Are you all tired of talking about houseguests?

[Wabi Sabi]

I have a house guest question: 

When you have someone staying with you who keeps a different schedule than your family, do you adapt to their schedule or do you expect them to just roll with your routine? 

We have a friend visiting in a couple of weeks with two children who go to bed much earlier than mine in the summer, and it is expected that the children will want to have a sleepover. How do I handle it if her kids need to go to bed when it is still daylight but they want my kids to sleep with them? My kids simply aren't going to be capable of going to sleep that early. We don't have blinds to block out the light, and our house is small, so we wouldn't even be able to put her kids to bed and go talk in the living room without the noise carrying. 

Also, my friend has told me that her children get up early, no matter what, and make a lot of noise. We are not early risers. I mean, no one is sleeping in until noon, but we're sure as heck not up at 6am either. We usually eat a big, late breakfast/brunch and then dinner. She says her children will be chewing their arms off. It's also complicated because my children really struggle with her kids' very intense personalities- they're just a lot to handle. 

Honestly, it's a couple weeks away and I'm already stressed out, but not having them visit isn't an option. Take my word for it when say that we're obligated.

Please don't quote in case I decide to delete. I would hate for her to stumble across this, but I really need to get an outside perspective of how to graciously handle the situation. 

 

[Tanaqui]

I think the answer to these problems has a lot to do with how old all these kids are. I'd use a different approach with a set of toddlers than with kids who are all teens, you know?

[prairiewindmomma]

As far as breakfast goes, lay out some cereal and muffins and fruit the night before, and let them know that milk, etc. is in the fridge. They can eat when they want, and there's no need for you to be up with the sun.  As far as going to bed goes, if they go to bed early, they do.  I certainly wouldn't be extra quiet in the living room during reasonable evening hours. Maybe around 11 pm I'd be quiet.

 

I have a friend who is on medication that makes it hard for her to go to sleep before 2 am. Consequently, she gets up around lunch time. When she comes to visit, she'll keep her normal hours and we'll keep hours.  We're happy to see her and we'll all be patient and flexible. :)

[regentrude]

I would not expect young children to deviate from their accustomed sleep schedule.

I would, however, expect their parent to ensure that kids accustomed to early rising remain quiet until the hosts wake up.

 

So, if they want to go to bed early, I would provide a room in which they may do so - without forcing my own kids to go to bed as well. As a good hostess, I would make sure they find a self serve breakfast in the kitchen to eat if they get up super early.

 

Edited June 15, 2016 by regentrude

[Wabi Sabi]

I think the answer to these problems has a lot to do with how old all these kids are. I'd use a different approach with a set of toddlers than with kids who are all teens, you know?

They are 7 and 10. 

[Tanaqui]

Okay, 7 and 10 is old enough to understand "I know you're excited to start the day, but my kids are still sleeping so you need to do quiet things. You can read, or you can draw, or you can go outside after you have this light breakfast of cereal and fruit (or yogurt and fruit, or eggs and toast - whatever's simple and easy)." And it's old enough for your kids to understand the same thing in reverse - "Listen, you know how sound carries in this house, now it's time for us to do quiet things. If you want to play and talk, go outside."

 

It's also old enough to understand "I know you want to spend time with your friends, but if you all go to bed now you'll just spend a few hours talking and you won't sleep. Socialize when you're awake, guys!"

 

With that said, is it possible you can compromise a bit? Like, if they go to bed an hour before your kids do, can you and your friend try having her kids go to bed 30 minutes late and yours 30 minutes early, sort of meet in the middle? (And you could spend the next 2 weeks offset by 15 minutes instead as preparation.) Or is it, like, they go to bed at 7 no matter what and your kids stay up till 10:45?

[Tap]

For our younger kdis we don't do full sleep overs but do a mock sleep over instead. Maybe that would work.

 

Everyone gets dressed their PJS and settles in for a movie and popcorn.  They have fun, eat snacks and then....everyone goes home to their beds. 

 

Maybe you can institute that rule for the week.  Mock sleep overs and then your kids go back to quiet play and hers go to sleep.  :0)

 

 

[marbel]

Is there a room where all the guests can sleep together?   I would try to do it that way.  Then, when those kids are ready for bed, they can go in the room and shut the door; the parents can join them when they are ready.  And the parents can help the kids be quiet in the morning when they wake up early.  Having breakfast stuff out for them is a good idea. 

 

If they really want a sleepover experience, pick one night where the kids can all be together.  The early sleepers will likely not fall asleep as early as usual under those circumstances, and it won't hurt them to deviate from their routine for one night. 

 

 

 

[Wabi Sabi]

I would not expect young children to deviate from their accustomed sleep schedule.

I would, however, expect their parent to ensure that kids accustomed to early rising remain quiet until the hosts wake up.

 

So, if they want to go to bed early, I would provide a room in which they may do so - without forcing my own kids to go to bed as well. As a good hostess, I would make sure they find a self serve breakfast in the kitchen to eat if they get up super early.

Our house is small enough that once one person is up, awake and moving about, the entire house is generally woken as well, no matter how polite and quite one tries to be. 

[Annie G]

7 and 10 are old enough to stay up a little later than usual AND if they are in bed but you guys are talking in another room, they should be fine. We grew up that way- always heard my folks talking or watching tv as I was going to sleep.  That's also plenty old enough to be fairly quiet when they get up in the morning, and to eat a simple breakfast. 

 

I feel for you- this friend wants you to accommodate her kids' needs but isn't willing to bend to what your family is used to.  Have you stocked up on chocolate or something to help you get through this visit? It sounds like a doozy. 

[bolt.]

I think I'd mostly have each individual family roll with their own routine -- and just go the earlier part of the morning and the later part of the evening separately. I think, since it's a vacation, you might observe her keeping her kids up at least a little later than usual (but maybe not).

 

If her kids are sleeping, you should help yours keep it down. If your kids are sleeping, she should help hers keep it down -- perhaps watch TV or go outside. As for sleep over scenarios, warm your kids that if they want to sleep with her kids, they have to be prepared to go to bed early. (That's just the cost of wanting to sleep over with early-to-bed friends.)

 

For food, just keep good stocks of food available. Encourage her to feed her kids anything she thinks is good at the hours they find ordinary. Let her feel welcome to cook or serve cold food -- whatever she prefers. If you go on an outing, respect that she might need to prepare a picnic lunch. If your kids horne in on their meal times (which make great snack times!) make sure you then step up with preparing whatever you end up calling that meal/snack. If her kids horne in on your brunch, be sure to have enough to share freely.

Edited June 15, 2016 by bolt.

[regentrude]

Our house is small enough that once one person is up, awake and moving about, the entire house is generally woken as well, no matter how polite and quite one tries to be. 

 

In that case,  you'll just have to suck it up and get up early as well. 

 

I have never made this experience, even in small apartments (as long as there is a door, I have slept, while DH was entertaining guests on the other side of that door), so I have a hard time imagining how a quiet person wakes people sleeping in another room, but you are probably just light sleepers. In that case, just gotta live through it.

[Ethel Mertz]

Our house is small enough that once one person is up, awake and moving about, the entire house is generally woken as well, no matter how polite and quite one tries to be. 

 

Ear plugs for the sleepers? What time do the visiting kids go to bed? What time do your kids go to bed?

[zoobie]

Well, a little of both. Some kids just aren't flexible on sleep schedules, so you have to be as respectful of each other as possible. I wouldn't do mass sleepovers. They'll be spending the days together; that's plenty. The guests can fix breakfast for their own family or go out. You're not running a B&B.

[Wabi Sabi]

In that case,  you'll just have to suck it up and get up early as well. 

 

I have never made this experience, even in small apartments (as long as there is a door, I have slept, while DH was entertaining guests on the other side of that door), so I have a hard time imagining how a quiet person wakes people sleeping in another room, but you are probably just light sleepers. In that case, just gotta live through it.

A combination of me being a light sleeper, creaky floors, thin walls, the only bathroom is just a few feet away from my bed, our dogs who will start to bark and whine once people start moving around... 

 

Just the sound of someone opening/closing a door will wake me every single time. 

 

But yes, you're right. Ultimately we're just going to have to live through it. It's only few days... 

[Wheres Toto]

I have a very small house and it's the same way.  Every bedroom opens off the living room so there's no way to keep things quiet, unless people are really deep sleepers.

 

I like the compromise - 1/2 hour early/1/2 hour late - if the times aren't too different. 

 

In your situation (but given our house since we don't have these details) and the flex bedtimes won't work, I would probably go sit out on the deck when they first put the kids to bed to give them time to settle down and then go inside and watch tv (volume low), read or play a game until everyone else was ready to sleep.  In the morning, I would ask them to grab their breakfast (I like the idea to put out simple things) and go eat it out on the deck, then play outside (if that's not too close to bedrooms, my yard is in the back and the bedrooms are in the front) maybe even go to a park or for a walk or read or quietly play a game.

 

Although I think your guest announcing that the kids will be up early and be loud, like there's no way around it and she's not willing to work on it, is kind of rude.

 

ETA: since I just read that you are a light sleeper right next to the bathroom - you might want to ask them to not flush if anyone gets up in the middle of the night.  That was the general policy in our house because the bathroom is right next to the kids room and nobody wants to be waking up little kids in the middle of the night.  Not as much of an issue for us anymore, but it sounds like it could be for you.

Edited June 15, 2016 by Where's Toto?

[mathnerd]

My friends are super early risers with small kids. When they visit, they wake up early, use that time to shower and change and they head out of my house for a short walk and play in our local public school's playground. By the time that they are back, all of us are up and ready. They are considerate friends and make sure that they stay out of the house when we are sleeping in the mornings. I put out bananas, apples, boxes of chocolate milk, cereal, granola bars and plates and bowls so that they can get a bite if they need to. When we are all up, we have a regular breakfast together.

[Wabi Sabi]

Ear plugs for the sleepers? What time do the visiting kids go to bed? What time do your kids go to bed?

She prefers her children to be in bed by 8 pm, and says that she will let them stay up an extra 30 minutes for special occasions. They are up at 6 a. 

 

In the summer, when the sun doesn't even set until well after 9 pm, my kids are usually up until 10ish and will generally get up around 7:30/8 am. 

[Jan in SC]

Are they staying at your house the entire time? If not, pick one night to have them sleep over and keep them up late, then be prepared to be up early the next morning. A night or two shouldn't be awful, but more than that and they should be given a list of hotels.

[Ethel Mertz]

I forgot to ask how long they're staying. I'm tempted to say keep your kids on their regular schedule. If you have a decent yard (and it's safe), I'd think about putting kids in tents.

[regentrude]

She prefers her children to be in bed by 8 pm, and says that she will let them stay up an extra 30 minutes for special occasions. They are up at 6 a. 

In the summer, when the sun doesn't even set until well after 9 pm, my kids are usually up until 10ish and will generally get up around 7:30/8 am. 

 

It often is not really possible for a person who is usually awake at 6 to simply sleep in, even if they stay up later. They will still wake up as early as always and just be tired and cranky for the day.

Ask me how I know.

[SKL]

I would set them up with something quiet to do on their own when their friends are sleeping.  For the early birds, and for the night shift.  Perhaps some books or puzzle books with booklights.

 

Chances are that both your kids and their kids will adjust a bit and it will be OK.

[QueenCat]

They are 7 and 10. 

 

At that age, they are capable of adapting to the host family's schedule. Have easy food available if they need it.

[shawthorne44]

I'd ask the guest parent to take the guest kids outside to play until X a.m. so they don't wake the rest of the house.  

It seems fair for your kids to either be quiet or play outside until bedtime when the guest kids go to sleep.   

[QueenCat]

How many nights are they staying for?

[Tita Gidge]

I have a house guest question: 

 

When you have someone staying with you who keeps a different schedule than your family, do you adapt to their schedule or do you expect them to just roll with your routine? 

 

 

For me it's situational. If the visitor has kids I plan to do more adapting, but it's generally give-and-take. Kids in this context (to me) would be aged 10 and under. Visitors are an inconvenience, even when we love them. It's a matter of framing it right to suffer get through it.

 

Most kids on the upper end can self-entertain if they wake up early, but not all can or will so I plan for the worst case - which is me waking up on their schedule. It sucks, but I consider it the ugly side of hosting or having visitors LOL. The pretty side is we get a visit. At minimum, my kids get a great visit out of it and I'll do most anything for them :) [That's the crap I have to tell myself on those early mornings so I don't spread my special breed of sunshine 2-3 hours before my normal waking time. It mostly works!]

 

It's hard to go to bed early, or on time even, during summer when the sun is out and you can hear the entire neighborhood enjoying the evening outdoors. The visiting mom has to know that her kids will want to stay up a bit later. I'm not sure where she lives, but this is especially true if she's not used to fighting the late-setting sun. I love Ethel Mertz's idea of a backyard tent. 

 

Visiting Mom might be content that they're contained and "working on sleep" in that regard ... but the kids can still visit and wind down. Visiting Kids will drift off sooner; Host Kids may, too, if they're outdoors - but if not, they can self-entertain. Give them a flashlight, call it a night.

 

If she's staying with you, Visiting Mom can be in charge of continental breakfast - serving kids outdoors even, since she'll be up. If only the kids are staying with you, leave out breakfast for them and hope that buys you time. Just as Visiting Kids stayed up a bit later, your family gets up a bit earlier. It all comes out in the wash. 

 

If the tent idea won't fly, I'd just let her know that you're concerned about the challenges of a sleepover and say, "Here's the only way it'll work..." and leave it up to her. It may mean plumping everyone down in the living room for a family movie, where her kids may fall asleep early and yours stay up until their normal bedtime. Breakfast still gets left out for the morning. You still wake up earlier, sorry!

 

Intense personalities are challenging. Try to include as much physical and outdoor play as you can. It makes the tent idea all the more appealing LOL. Prep your kids ahead of time with an "out" - e.g., they can say they have to poop or shower and take 5-10 minutes in the bathroom to get a break. We have one intense friend and whenever he comes over I let my kids self-soothe with Skittles. For your kids, maybe it's a soda pop or gum or gluten-free-Paleo-friendly muffins.

 

Bad habit, I'm sure, setting them up to self soothe with sugar but it's a tangible way they can remember to regroup and count quietly to 10. It keeps their mouth occupied instead of screaming, "OMG SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A MINUTE!" And this is something we learned the hard way after really hurting the feelings of a friend they cared about but who very challenging to be around.

[HomeAgain]

Smile, shrug, and tell your friend, "When in Rome..." :D

 

I am terrible host in the morning because while I wake early, I need time to center before I start my day.  When we have guests I pick up muffins or pastry the evening before and leave them on the counter along with glasses, plates, napkins and a note explaining yogurt and oj is in the fridge, coffee pot just needs you to hit start, and please feel at home and help yourself. 

[mamiof5]

No idea how I'd handle it. If I was the guest I'd try my very best to accommodate to your house rules and routine, instead of the other way around. My kids wake up early? Quietly I'd get them out of the house (a walk, a neighborhood park, something!!) so we wouldn't wake you all up. Breakfast is later?? I'd make sure I had snacks, and brought them for our walk/outing. Sleepover? Would try to find a reasonable bedtime that also works for you. Not trying to bash your friend, but if I was the guest I'd accommodate to your routine as much as possible.

[Shellydon]

White noise machines for everyone.

[Jyhwkmama]

If I had strong feelings about keeping my kids on their home schedule, I would stay in a hotel. This does not sound like a compatible situation.

[TammyS]

Well, I'm one who has a "kids in bed early" lifestyle, so I sympathize with how hard this is going to be on both sides.

 

First preference: put them up in a hotel.  No kidding, you will all be happier.  They can get up on their schedule, eat breakfast, whatever, then come over for the day.

 

Second preference: put all the kids outside in a big tent.  Let them stay up until they fall down (this may not be good if the kids tend to meltdown, however).

 

Third preference: you're going to have to suck it up and get up earlier.  There is just no way for them to get up without waking the household, so you may as well get used to the idea.

 

Honestly, I learned this past summer that I hate house guests.  We had another family come and park their camper in our yard.  And they all behaved wonderfully, it was nothing "bad", but I just don't like dealing with people almost every minute of the day for days on end. I like my routine and I like sticking to it.  I was so happy to see them go. 

[Rachel]

I would suggest putting a noisy fan or white machine in your room to help block out noises. If the kids get up at 6, have a simple breakfast available, a pile of books for them to read, and make sure they know how to use your tv. Tell your guests you normally are up around 7:30.

 

When I am a guest I feel it's my responsibility to entertain and keep my kids quiet so we don't disturb our hosts that might be on a different schedule. I know we can't always ask our guests to do the same though.

[xixstar]

We will have this soon and I am already getting anxious. Except we are the awake early hosts with a small house. Guests (adult, teen, preteen) will be sleeping in the living room. We don't go to bed early at least but compared to her kids, we are us early.

 

Our living room is the only social place in the house and the only room with a/c other than the bedroom an this will be in the heat. Guests will have to wake when we come down because the futon will have to be put back into couch formation. We have a small living room to begin with that only seats 4 and somehow we will have 9-10 people here (luckily one of my children and my spouse will be gone most of the time).

 

I am still a little with books in the beds but we have no toys in the bedrooms, everything is in the living room. So there is t anywhere else for us to go in our own house.

 

I am struggling to see how this can go well and wondering why I said we could host....

[nd293]

It's not clear how long your guest will be staying, but for one night sleepovers we handle it like this:

 

At our house: we usually keep them outdoors as long as possible, eat dinner by 6:30 latest and schedule a movie in bed from 7:30pm onwards. Early to bed children can fall asleep if they need to. The kids are allowed electronic time in the room when they wake early. If I hear them they are hushed. However it's very hard to keep any two kids who are conscious quiet enough for me to sleep so I expect to be awake by 6am. I don't get up earlier though. I also try to make the room as dark as possible.

 

At other people's houses: ds takes an audiobook and the mother is informed that he may listen in bed for as long as needed. He wakes up whenever the early riser does and deals with it.

 

I know people who set up a "quiet room" for guests who might actually want to sleep when they are having kids over for a slumber party. This room is out of bounds for other kids.

 

If the family is staying with you rather than just the kids sleeping over and if it's more than just a day or two I'd let the mother know the movie-or-quiet room options, and that your family has a 'no noise before 7am' rule and tell her you'll stock breakfast-on-the-go items for her if she needs to take the kids out to a local park until then (yoghurt, muffins etc).

 

I absolutely hate sleepovers at our house for just this reason: I always end up tired and cranky the next day. The kids handle it much better!

[Anne in CA]

Can you set up a tent in the yard to be a fort? Then your kids could hang out out there when her kids need to go to sleep and sleep as late as they can. You could put lots of pillows and blankets out there and even maybe an old TV and make it like glamping. All the kids could play there sometimes in the day, but your kids could sleep there so the guest kids could find the bathrooms and things easily at night.

 

I would plan on snacks for her kids for the times you aren't able to cook meals. Like, my sister always has biscuits and jam for early risers when she has lots of houseguests. Anyone can always fix that, but she makes a brunch and a dinner later. I would have lots of cheap carbs available for her kids to snack on and stick to your normal meal schedule. Your friend can play short order cook for her kids if she wants, but you might need to let her know things like, "I need all the eggs in the drawer," or "Don't mix all the nuts together and keep them for yourself."

[TammyS]

Oh, here's an idea....how about board your dogs while you have the guests?  Then they won't start barking the first time someone stirs (which I totally get,  because my dog does the same thing....sometimes I lay in bed needing to go to the bathroom, but am reluctant, because if I do, she'll start barking to be taken out).   Then maybe the early risers could get up quietly and let you sleep...especially with the addition of noise machines?

[Starr]

If they are staying with you everyone will be going to sleep late and getting up early. By the time they leave you will all crash for a week.  :grouphug:  You can give them a room to go to bed at their regular time but if the house is small they may not go right to sleep. But it will give your kids a couple of hours without them to do what they want. :D

[J-rap]

For a longer stay like that, we would stick with our schedule but let them know that they are welcome to set their own schedule.  Of course for a special occasion, we might adapt to their schedule for a day or two.