Do you get a mom break?

[redsquirrel]

absolutely and even when my kids were babies. Even if it was just going to the public library for an hour and reading magazines.  I need some time to spend doing things that aren't dictated to me by others.

 

I might go for a walk, sit and read a book in a park, go out for coffee with a friend. 

 

I find if I don't get that time, I end up staying up late just to have some time to myself, and that's not always so good for me. 

[vonbon]

My goal is to swim 10 days / month.  It's about 2 hours to get there, swim, shower, drive home.  I don't know that it's "relaxing", but it's great exercise and I'm thankful for the quiet mental break.  For several years, I would just catch a break when I could.  This led to a lot of burn out and frazzle.  

 

DH travels quite a bit throughout the year, so I take breaks any time he offers.  I will occasionally change our school schedule around for breaks because, over the long haul of the year, we are ahead academically anyway.  If a break can happen on a weekday (rare), we'll catch up by making the other schooldays of that week a bit longer or more intense.  I've gone on a modified year-round schedule the last couple of years to work in more flexibility with our schedule.  

 

We used to pay for childcare 1-2 days/month.  This was OK but if it didn't work out for some reason (illness, etc.), the more weeks that would go by, the more stressed-out I would become.  

 

Several wise women who are past the young child-raising stage have told me they should have taken more breaks or found something interesting for themselves to do outside of parenting.  I see quite a few homeschooling families here who have tight-knit family in the area to rely on; it seems like that might make it easier / less stressful. 

 

My hat's off to the poster above who is mothering 4 children alone and still getting out to exercise.

[Guest]

He's not going to make plans for you. (Nor should he have to honey. Saying this gently.)

 

Make your own.

 

Go.

 

GO!

 

I am telling you, you don't realize what you're missing.

 

If you can't think of anything to do, we can start a thread with ideas and then you just pick a thing (at random if necessary) and go do it.

[Joker]

I definitely did when mine were younger. I would usually hit the library nearby for about an hour. The quiet was awesome! I took my time to look through books and came home ready to do dinner and our usual night time routine. Dh did work outside the home but also felt that he took breaks during the day. He worked for a place that basically had it's own campus. It came with two cafeterias, a YMCA, Starbucks, and walking trails around lakes. He took a lunch almost every day and got out and he also would do some meetings via phone while walking outside. He didn't come home tired and was happy to give me time to myself. 

 

Now, they are teens and both in ps. Dh also now works from home. He and I both have lots of of kid free time at the moment and are enjoying it. 

[mamiof5]

There's absolutely no way I'd make it without breaks. And I'm not talking grad school, or grocery shopping, or errand running...that doesn't count as a break for me. Dinner with friends, a pedicure, a massage, time in Adoration with the Lord (by myself)... I need it. I know your dh is tired after work, but so are you after a long day. If you feel you need a break SCHEDULE IT and make it happen! Don't wait until you are exhausted and burnt out :( You can be a better mom, wife etc if you carve a little time for you.

[Tsuga]

I was talking to a friend recently. She has one child, a 1 year old. She was saying that she regularly takes a mommy break. She'll eat dinner with her husband and daughter and then head out the door to take a walk, visit a friend, or go shopping. Another friend said she regularly does the same thing. An older lady said that she couldn't have survived child rearing without regular breaks like these. These are my stay at home mom friends. I'm not sure about my working mom friends.

 

Do you normally get a break during the kids waking time? Is this something that is pretty common?

 

I babysit from home 3 days a week, have a 2 and 4yo, am going to grad school (online). I don't normally take a break for myself between 7a-8/9p when they kids are in bed. My friend seemed shocked, but I didn't think it was that odd.

 

When my kids were that age we were in deep doo doo in the recession. So we didn't have many breaks and my ex-husband had joined the military.

 

However, I kept working from home. I paid a sitter to watch them while I got stuff done a few times a week, and they went to pre-school. My work was my break.

 

It was sanity-saving. Of course I had them myself since he was in basic, and then stationed overseas, then deployed, etc. Still.

 

If you get time to yourself to do your classes when your DH is "on" with the kids, I think that's fair enough.

 

Life is tough and free mommy time is a luxury in my opinion. I don't begrudge anyone that time, but I don't think it's always a must-have for everyone.

 

Good luck with your studies!

[ReadingMama1214]

This made me really smile big. When my ds was 2 (he is now almost 21) I would go to the tanning salon every day after dinner, leaving the kids with their dad. He was a real handful. At night I used to pray HUGE prayers of thanks that he was still alive after the day's antics. I was a very, very tan mom, lol. But I NEEDED those breaks.

I think part of it is the temperament of my 2 year old. He's very go go go and sounds a lot like your son. Pair that with a spirited, emotional, and sensitivity sensitive 4 year old and most days I am depleted at the end of them. Went out for wine and dessert with a friend tonight. Feel much better now. Unfortunately she moves in September.

[Tap]

I have always worked outside the home, so it isn't unusual for my husband to care for the kids.  

 

My oldest child, was a super easy child.  Any time I took him shopping in a stroller, he fell asleep.  He would go with me if I needed him too without complaint, but he would rather stay home.  He never had separation anxiety or any problems being with anyone happy to watch him (His dad, daycare, family....whomever).

 

 

My next oldest is a fireball and wears her emotions on her sleeve.  She wanted to always be with me and had massive anxiety anytime I was gone.  I needed a break from her, whether or not she wanted one from me. 

 

My next is special needs and mentally exhausts me to.the.core.  I HAVE to take a break from her.  If I didn't I am sure I would literally go insane. She is one of those people who can make me so very angry that I can't see straight.  We allm DH, DS and I,  have times  (DS is her personal caretaker at daycare) where we tag team in another family member to deal with her. 

 

 

On top of working 40 hours a week, I am gone at least one evening a week.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Tap

[Guest]

I have regularly taken breaks since my kids were babies. When they were little nurslings, the break was rarely more than three hours long. But just about every week.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I think I just want him to innitiate as a way of showing he cares. I'm not sure that's going to happen though or that it should.

 

Oh, honey, please don't do this.  Please don't put that on yourself or your husband.  His sarcasm aside, it sounds as if he is willing (if not eager) to do it, but he wants you to plan it.  He's telling you to do it. So do it.

 

"I really need to get away from the house and kids for a while.  Will you be home on Tuesday night [saturday morning, Sunday afternoon, whatever]?"

 

"I've been invited to a Mom's Night Out on Wednesday, May 25. I see there is nothing on the calendar that night.  I'm planning to go so please be sure to get home on time."

 

If your husband has an erratic work schedule or travels, it's going to be harder.  My husband used to travel a good bit and often had evening meetings, so I couldn't just decide to go do something without clearing it with him first.  It was a scheduling thing, not a willingness thing.  If your husband is home most nights, it should make it easier. 

 

If he says no to a certain night, have an alternate date ready.  If he won't promise to be home ever, tell him you need to get away and will start looking for a babysitter to hire if he can't stay home with his children once in a while.

 

 

 

 

[Garga]

That sounds fabulous. My issue is that I am not terribly assertive. DH doesn't tend to express much beyond sarcasm when I talk about him having kids or doesn't seem super excited. I brought it up tonight and he said "you just need to make plans and do them" and when I addressed the fact that he doesn't encourage me to go out or expresses lack of desire he says "I don't mind doing it, I'm not going to say I want to, but I don't mind it" and that "I'm going to be sarcastic either way".

 

The thing is he gets a lot of time out. Last weekend, on Mother's Day, he went to the store with his dad and they just happened to stop at a brewery for over an hour. He mentioned that he "couldn't promise he won't go to a brewery this weekend again with his dad" when I expressed frustration he was surprised. I do think I need to start being more assertive and not worry about his feelings. I think I just want him to innitiate as a way of showing he cares. I'm not sure that's going to happen though or that it should.

Sounds like you want your dh to be someone he's not. That happens from time to time, where we want something from our spouse that just isn't them. He's not going to suddenly turn tender about this issue and say, "Sweet munchin, I'll stay with our angels while you go out." Nope. Not gonna happen.

 

You're going to have to make a plan (like he said), and say, "Poochie, I'm gonna start taking breaks every week. I'm thinking Thursday night will be best for our schedule. I'm gonna go to XX place this Thursday at 6. I'll be back around 8. Does that work for you?"

 

And you also might want to read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It talks about the different ways that people interpret love. Some people feel loved when they receive a gift, some people feel loved when someone does a kind act for them, some feel loved when someone speaks tender words to them, etc.

 

it sounds like you have a love language that your dh isn't speaking. Because there is absolutely no problem here in regards to you getting a break. Your dh is able and willing to watch the kids (albeit with some sarcasm thrown in) and yet the above post sounds like you are waiting for him to plan your outing for you. That's just not going to happen. Plan your own outing to a quiet restaurant and read The Five Love Languages while you're there to figure out why you need your dh to plan your outings for you. I suspect that you feel love through "acts of service", where you feel cared for when someone does something nice for you: like planning an outing for you.

 

The book will help you to express what you need to dh, so you don't become immobilized over issues like this in the future.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Garga

[Alice]

My husband and I both work part-time and both stay home part-time so our situation is a little different. But we both do things on our own sometimes. We don't really have scheduled times but I meet some friends for coffee on a semi-regular basis. I encourage dh to go out and golf or play tennis on the weekends. He actually goes out less on his own than I do although he's more of an extrovert. I think the difference is that for him he still feels like it's relaxing if he's doing something leisure related and the kids and I are there. As an introvert I need some amount of time alone and I make sure to get that or I get really cranky. That might just be a walk alone or a trip to the library on my own but it's essential for me. Or sometimes he'll take all the kids out on a bike ride or something and I'll stay home. 

 

It's hard with little ones, like it sounds like you have. At that age there were days where I met dh coming in the house and said something like I'm leaving for an hour. I would go sit in a parking lot somewhere and have a soda in the car and read a book. It does get better as they get older. 

 

I will agree with the above posters that sometimes you have to just be very clear about what you want. I've told this story here before but a few years ago for my 40th birthday I told dh that what I really wanted was to go to a hotel and stay for 24 hours on my own so I could just be alone and read. He was happy to give it to me but thought it was weird and said so. I also told him that I realized I had been waiting for years for him to think of this as a gift for me as to me it was the perfect gift but then I realized he would never think of it. He admitted that no, he would never have thought of it. But I did it, it was wonderful and now I do it every year around my birthday (and the 24 hours has gotten longer since the kids have gotten older). There was part of me that felt guilty asking for it and really wanted him to just know me and think of what I would want. Then I realized that was silly and it was never going to happen. 

 

 

[Night Elf]

I could always go out when my kids were young, weekday nights or weekends. DH was home. He could parent as well as I could.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yes I did/do.  I have always had something going that's just for me.  I get a lot more time to myself now that my kids are getting older than when they were babies, but I still got some time to myself then too.

 

 

[lailasmum]

I used to. I'd managed to go our about once a week or at the minimum once a fortnight but that has completely stopped. Part of that is that my mum would look after my kids but she'ds getting older and her health isn't so good so I don't feel I can expect that from her anymore. I also had a couple of years when I'd get a longer weekend away on my own for something usually in early spring. It was good. I haven't done that this year. I am going to try to get away next year though. I think if I didn't have my youngest I'd not feel the need at this stage because my eldest is really easy going, however my youngest is a very intense person and being away from him for a bit really helps me to cope.

[Wheres Toto]

I used to, then it stopped when I was working full time (I was out of the house with no kids all day anyway).  I really have to start it up now that I'm home again. 

 

Usually I would go out after dinner to Panera or a local coffee shop with my computer or to read.  Sometimes shopping but I tried not to spend too much money.  Sometimes I would go to a movie with my oldest.  Usually a couple times a month.

 

For a while, dh would take the kids to visit his parents (about 2 hours away) for the weekend once a month and leave me home to do deep cleaning and relax.  He hasn't done that as much in the past couple of years but hopefully he'll start going at least every other month.  His parents are getting older so it would be good for him to see them more.

 

I've been taking a lot of time away from the kids lately.  My stepfather recently passed away and I've been doing a lot of stuff with my mom.  Not "fun" stuff, just funeral plans and getting through masses of paperwork, and helping her rearrange her house.  We do go out to lunch before or after errands but mostly this isn't really a break.

 

My kids do have drop-off activities for an hour or less each night.  I don't find it's enough time to really do anything except run quick errands and I find it stressful to have to keep that close a watch on the time.

[TammyS]

I was talking to a friend recently. She has one child, a 1 year old. She was saying that she regularly takes a mommy break. She'll eat dinner with her husband and daughter and then head out the door to take a walk, visit a friend, or go shopping. Another friend said she regularly does the same thing. An older lady said that she couldn't have survived child rearing without regular breaks like these. These are my stay at home mom friends. I'm not sure about my working mom friends.

 

Do you normally get a break during the kids waking time? Is this something that is pretty common?

 

I babysit from home 3 days a week, have a 2 and 4yo, am going to grad school (online). I don't normally take a break for myself between 7a-8/9p when they kids are in bed. My friend seemed shocked, but I didn't think it was that odd.

 

The question is, are you happy with the situation?  Personally, if we didn't have quiet time everyday, I'd lose my stuff.  But I'm an introvert with a high need for peace and the occasional uninterrupted thought (my brain is simply not strong enough to process a complete thought that gets interrupted repeatedly).  But none of that need matter to you.  The only thing that need matter to you is: are you happy with what you've been doing, or do you feel like you would benefit from some daily downtime?

[Spryte]

No.

 

And I want one.

[HS Mom in NC]

Yes, I do.  The frequency and duration have changed over time. My husband gets a break sometimes too.  We think it's what partners do for each other when they can.

My husband works from home and teaches all the Jr. High and Sr. High level math and science in our homeschool.

Edited May 15, 2016 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[lovinmyboys]

I don't get breaks as often as I would like, but some of that is my fault. There is a part of me that feels guilty wanting a break, so I don't take the opportunity. I don't think I should feel guilty, but I do so I am easily swayed into not taking a break.

 

For instance, my Dh was home several days last week by bedtime. He could have done bedtime but the kids wanted me to and I felt guilty to tell them no. The other day, Dh took them to the park and I said I was going to stay home and read. But, alas, they begged me to go too so I did. I tried to tell them I had been with them all day and I would be the next several days while Dh was out of town. I let my guilt win. I do enjoy putting them to bed and I had fun at the park, but those were basically my only shots at a "break" and I didn't take them because I felt guilty.

 

So, my advice is to take a break when you get a chance and don't feel guilty about it.

[Arcadia]

I think I just want him to innitiate as a way of showing he cares. I'm not sure that's going to happen though or that it should.

My hubby is no planner. His way of showing he cares is by executing whatever I plan. If I wait for him to initiate, almost nothing would get done. It is the same thing as some guys know what their wives want for presents while my hubby prefers that I just tell him preferably with the model number of first choice and alternatives as well.

 

Plan your equivalent of mommy's night out and let him know he needs to keep those time free. Some of my friends with husbands working irregular hours join the YMCA because of the free childcare while they hit the gym and Zumba or aerobics class.

[DawnM]

Yes.  When my kids were little I was working and going to school, but I still went out to dinner when I could or met friends for Saturday brunch.

[lllll]

nm

Edited May 16, 2016 by _ ?^..

[Chelli]

That sounds fabulous. My issue is that I am not terribly assertive. DH doesn't tend to express much beyond sarcasm when I talk about him having kids or doesn't seem super excited. I brought it up tonight and he said "you just need to make plans and do them" and when I addressed the fact that he doesn't encourage me to go out or expresses lack of desire he says "I don't mind doing it, I'm not going to say I want to, but I don't mind it" and that "I'm going to be sarcastic either way".

 

The thing is he gets a lot of time out. Last weekend, on Mother's Day, he went to the store with his dad and they just happened to stop at a brewery for over an hour. He mentioned that he "couldn't promise he won't go to a brewery this weekend again with his dad" when I expressed frustration he was surprised. I do think I need to start being more assertive and not worry about his feelings. I think I just want him to innitiate as a way of showing he cares. I'm not sure that's going to happen though or that it should.

 

 

My dh would never initiate because he doesn't notice things like that. I guess I'm too good at looking like I have everything under control!  :lol:

 

My strategy was to be logical and present my wishes to him. I started with pointing out that homeschooling on top of mothering and taking care of the house adding a full time job, a full time job with no days off. I told him that I needed some down time each week that could be counted on for me to get out of the house and get away for a bit. I told him I would be taking three hours every Monday evening unless there was another day that worked better for him during the week. During that time he would be responsible for feeding the kids (I could grab whatever he needed from the story on grocery shopping day) and putting them to bed. I needed this to happen every week barring an emergency or something with work that he absolutely couldn't get out of.

 

Basically I didn't give him a choice, I told him I had a need (personal time), why (all day, every day with the kids) and how (three hours every Monday). He was fine with it and totally supportive. Even if he hadn't been I still would have done it because as others have stated, they are his children too and it won't kill him to spend three hours with them alone each week.

 

To be honest, it's turned into something the kids look forward to as much as I do. They ride bikes with dad, eat ice cream and frozen pizza for dinner, play board games, etc. They love spending time like that alone with their dad and I get time alone to just be Chelli again not mom or wife for three hours. Win, win.

 

My vote is to not ask, but tell him this is what is going to happen. You can compromise on the details.

[Danestress]

Yes. It was a rare day that my DH didn't have half an hour in the evening to manage kids while I took a walk (or got in bed with ear plugs and a book). Even if I didn't get a major break, everyone needs a little time off. Sure, he came home wanting to relax. I also like to relax. I tried to give him time, he tried to give me time. By and large, he found pleasure in the kids so that helped.

[wintermom]

Yes, when the dc were young I did need, and take, breaks. Sometimes they were with friends, more often just me getting out of the house with no dc just to shop. By the time we had 3 dc, I started training regularly with Taekwon-do twice a week. This was awesome, as it was time to be me (and not a mom), it was physically and mentally challenging, and it really was a benefit for me during the days when I was at home with the young dc. My dh noticed this benefit - me being happier and more energetic - and would encourage me to get out training if I felt too tired to go. 

 

Just like you can't run a vehicle into the ground and never give it gas and a tune up, you can't do this to your own body. Take care of your physical, mental and spiritual self so that you can be the best wife and mommy possible.

[rebcoola]

Yes I've always had breaks but when the kids were young my husband's job was different and he just couldn't provide them regularly.  We had no family anywhere near us and moved their when I was 7 months pregnant so no support system.  My break were childcare at the Y, weekly Bible study and Sunday service.  I wouldn't have survived those years without those 2 hour blocks of time.  

Edited May 14, 2016 by rebcoola

[lovinmyboys]

I really like this. And just want to say... that often women (not shaking my finger at anyone here, I'm talking about women I know IRL) think that their husband gets a break by being at work. Well, maybe some do. Mine never had a job that was a break. So I was sympathetic when my husband came home exhausted. Well, I still am, but the kids bathe themselves and all that now, so it's not so intense.

 

He got more lunches out. That was about it for breaks during his workday. :001_smile:

 

It's a good thing to work out together.

I do agree that dads need breaks from work/parenting as well. IME (and this is backed up by research) it is easier for the dad to get a break at home than the mom. There is a meme going around Facebook where the kids ask the mom a million questions and they ask the dad one- "where's mom?" That is how it works at my house. I can sit down to read and my kids don't leave me alone-they can't find their favorite stuffed animal, they don't know how to spell a word, they need a drink, etc. Dh will sit down to read a book and actually get to read.

[KungFuPanda]

I was talking to a friend recently. She has one child, a 1 year old. She was saying that she regularly takes a mommy break. She'll eat dinner with her husband and daughter and then head out the door to take a walk, visit a friend, or go shopping. Another friend said she regularly does the same thing. An older lady said that she couldn't have survived child rearing without regular breaks like these. These are my stay at home mom friends. I'm not sure about my working mom friends.

 

Do you normally get a break during the kids waking time? Is this something that is pretty common?

 

I babysit from home 3 days a week, have a 2 and 4yo, am going to grad school (online). I don't normally take a break for myself between 7a-8/9p when they kids are in bed. My friend seemed shocked, but I didn't think it was that odd.

 

I've been getting regular breaks for over a decade now, but it's isn't really start until my youngest was four. Having been on both sides, I see no valid arguments against anyone taking some time alone, but I don't think everyone NEEDS it to be healthy. Usually, these decisions are more about the mom's personality and support system than anything else.

[KungFuPanda]

That sounds fabulous. My issue is that I am not terribly assertive. DH doesn't tend to express much beyond sarcasm when I talk about him having kids or doesn't seem super excited. I brought it up tonight and he said "you just need to make plans and do them" and when I addressed the fact that he doesn't encourage me to go out or expresses lack of desire he says "I don't mind doing it, I'm not going to say I want to, but I don't mind it" and that "I'm going to be sarcastic either way".

 

The thing is he gets a lot of time out. Last weekend, on Mother's Day, he went to the store with his dad and they just happened to stop at a brewery for over an hour. He mentioned that he "couldn't promise he won't go to a brewery this weekend again with his dad" when I expressed frustration he was surprised. I do think I need to start being more assertive and not worry about his feelings. I think I just want him to innitiate as a way of showing he cares. I'm not sure that's going to happen though or that it should.

Your DH said to plan something and do it. That's the closest you're likely to get to an invitation. Nobody is going to beg you or offer to suffer with you. Part of a mom's role in home organization is prioritizing her own breaks so she doesn't get fried out and resentful. Sarcasm isn't a real obstacle here.

[EMS83]

If nap time counts, then yes.  No one really naps anymore (except me!), but we still have a 2 hour quiet time.  Do I leave the house without them?  Rarely.  But we get two date nights each month, where the kids stay overnight with each set of grandparents.  Sometimes I'll go grocery shop alone.  Typically my friends and I just get the kids together; they play and we talk.  My husband is more than willing to have the kids while I go do take a walk or get coffee, though.  I just haven't taken him up on it yet.  Any kind of break is good; I think there are a lot of ways to accomplish that.  Whatever works for you and your family is great!

[SparklyUnicorn]

A mom break? What a hilarious concept.

 

I did get breaks (as I said), but I will say that I never felt truly off the hook.  I'd be thinking about my kids the whole time or whatever else it was I had to do. 

 

One thing I found especially irritating was not being able to enjoy vacations at all.  Now my kids are older and I think this might be the first time I'll get to somewhat enjoy our vacation coming up.

[marbel]

I did get breaks (as I said), but I will say that I never felt truly off the hook.  I'd be thinking about my kids the whole time or whatever else it was I had to do. 

 

One thing I found especially irritating was not being able to enjoy vacations at all.  Now my kids are older and I think this might be the first time I'll get to somewhat enjoy our vacation coming up.

 

I sometimes wonder if I will ever wake up in the morning without immediately thinking of what needs to be done for, with, or about my kids, whether it's that day, or in the near future.   Health issues, medical/dental appointments, transcripts, driving lessons, college visits, standardized tests... every single day there is something I have to think about, plan for, or get someone to do.

 

Maybe when they are full-grown independent adults, I'll be able to relax.  Certainly not even through the college years. 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I sometimes wonder if I will ever wake up in the morning without immediately thinking of what needs to be done for, with, or about my kids, whether it's that day, or in the near future.   Health issues, medical/dental appointments, transcripts, driving lessons, college visits, standardized tests... every single day there is something I have to think about, plan for, or get someone to do.

 

Maybe when they are full-grown independent adults, I'll be able to relax.  Certainly not even through the college years. 

 

 

I find it's not as crazy as it was years ago.  There were moments then where I wondered if I would ever feel normal again.  I do feel more normal.  I know, whatever that means. 

 

Although, I could do without the worrying.  I worry about my kids too much.

[Joanne]

When my kids were little, I rarely had a break. Not separating from my kids became an identity; I was fairly protective and defensive about it.

 

I think it hurt me, and my marriage, and my mothering.

 

Regular breaks would not have saved that marriage, but it would have helped ME as a person, and allowed me to develop as an adult - not "just" a mom.

 

I am a strong introvert, so not having a break drained me.

 

This is one of the choices I would change if I had a do-over.