Is SAHM/W no longer a valid life choice?

[Rachel]

I just thought of three people I know in which the wives are youngish, don't work, and don't have kids.

 

All have some sort of health issues though that make working difficult.

[J-rap]

I think it's a valid choice and I know many who do this.  That said, I do think it's harder these days.  I think it's more difficult for families to live a middle class life on one income.  I know many, many families who have worked around both parents working while raising a family, in creative ways.  For example, many of my friends are couples who own their own business and can be flexible and take turns with their work hours or do some work at home.  Others have shifts where one works in the morning, and then is home in the afternoons as the kids come home from school, and the entire family is together through the evening meal -- when the second goes to work.  Or one of the parents is a teacher and takes off in the summers to care for their kids.

 

I think that is more the norm these days, in my circle:  both parents working but at least one of them is able to be flexible enough that they barely need outside child-care.  I'd say it's about equal as far as the one who is more flexible:  sometimes it's the mom, sometimes it's the dad.

 

 

[Bluegoat]

Demographically, many of the families here who have SAHPs, and the kids are in school, are indeed military.  Flexibility for deployments ad moving more often is a big part of it.  I was in a similar situation for a time as my husband worked away from home half the year - the complications of adding a second income didn't easily make up for the money of doing so.

 

I also saw more SAHPs when I lived in a smaller, rural town, that was an agricultural center.  It was a combination I think of fewer jobs available, lower COL, and more of an active tradition of the home as a workplace in itself which came from the farming tradition.

[Lady Florida.]

Of course it's a valid choice. However, when I think about it all of the sahms I know either homeschool or have children who are not yet in school. I'm sure there are other sahms around here not in one of those two categories, but since I run in a different circle (bubble as you say), I wouldn't know how to find them.

[creekland]

It's rare in our public high school for the mothers of the students to not have jobs.

 

I think quite a few stay home when kids are young and day care would cost a ton, but many work - at least part time - once the kids are in school.

 

I know personally I need a job and part time works quite well for me.  I was never mentally happy staying home full time.

 

I have no problems with others who choose differently though.  Any choice a couple decides upon for them is a valid choice.  I wouldn't look down on any student who told me his mom didn't work (and they were financially ok).  I just can't remember the last time I heard or saw that...

 

I'm trying to think of anyone I know in my IRL circles who doesn't have young kids or a job (or retired from one) and I'm not coming up with anyone.  But that could just be the company I choose - very self-selecting.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I think society is "designed" with two incomes in mind.  But that doesn't make SAHM an invalid choice, just a harder choice, financially.  

 

Are there people who would scoff at a woman who is "only" a SAHW or SAHM?  Absolutely!  

 

Doesn't make them right.

[kroe1]

Yes, it is still a valid choice, but as always, a risky one without some employable skills to fall back on.

[trulycrabby]

Come to north Alabama, there are lots of SAHM's here!

[G5052]

I think it's a valid choice and I know many who do this.  That said, I do think it's harder these days.  I think it's more difficult for families to live a middle class life on one income.  I know many, many families who have worked around both parents working while raising a family, in creative ways.  For example, many of my friends are couples who own their own business and can be flexible and take turns with their work hours or do some work at home.  Others have shifts where one works in the morning, and then is home in the afternoons as the kids come home from school, and the entire family is together through the evening meal -- when the second goes to work.  Or one of the parents is a teacher and takes off in the summers to care for their kids.

 

For us, working was initially a choice to keep me current in a low-level way in my field one night a week, but over time we needed the income. Scrimping to the bone wasn't going to do it. We cut cable, had no cell phones, no vacations, no dryer, one vehicle, etc. etc. Leaving the area wasn't an option because of access to medical specialists.

 

I do agree that there has been a shift in the economy that makes it tougher to do on one income, but families and churches are also not helping to the level that they used to.

 

In my in-law's day, it was the norm for the church to jump in when there was a surgery or such and immediately provide help on many fronts including financial help. That seems rare now from what I've seen. Some of the homeschool moms I know who are working are paying off significant medical bills.

 

And college is more expensive than ever. I know some who are working primarily for that reason too.

[MercyA]

I was a SAHW long before having my daughter. I have a college degree and no desire to work outside the home, ever.  :001_smile:

Edited March 7, 2016 by MercyA

[Arcadia]

A lot of SAHMs locally are actually WAHMs or real estate agents or freelancers. My area does not project a feeling of financial stability.

 

At the time recession started in California which was about a year before it was officially acknowledged, many SAHMs started looking for work to offset the instability of single income. My kid's public school teacher was layoff. School librarians were lay off. When I calculated unemployment benefits at that time, hubby would be able to get $450 per week from the state but COBRA would cost $500 per adult. Even hubby was looking at the possibility of getting a weekend job just in case of retrenchment.

 

I can still afford to be a SAHM because my parents (pensioners) can afford to tide us over in a financial crisis. Else I woild be looking for a work from home and/or weekend job now to cushion the instability.

[Reefgazer]

The only SAHMs I know are also homeschoolers.  I think they are going the way of the dodo, unfortunately.

[Guest]

There are plenty around here doing it who don't homeschool. Probably 50/50.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I do agree that there has been a shift in the economy that makes it tougher to do on one income, but families and churches are also not helping to the level that they used to.

 

In my in-law's day, it was the norm for the church to jump in when there was a surgery or such and immediately provide help on many fronts including financial help. That seems rare now from what I've seen. Some of the homeschool moms I know who are working are paying off significant medical bills.

 

<snip>

 

This is true  The "church ladies" who were available for babysitting or other help are all at work now.   And many churches just don't have money (I am not talking about wealthy mega-churches) to help with large financial needs.

 

I've always been involved with the "meal ministry" in whatever church I've belonged to.  It is getting harder and harder to find people who are able to drop off a meal for a family with a new baby or sickness.   And (this may sound ungrateful but I'm going to say it anyway), sometimes people bring things that are no help at all anyway - like a whole raw chicken to roast.  Or a box of pasta and a jar of sauce.  Those are food donations, not meals.  But, I think people want to help but are so overwhelmed with their own lives they feel they can't do any more. 

 

A few years ago a woman in our church - single, middle-aged, no family - needed surgery and was going to be off her feet for a couple of weeks.  We were hoping to find some people to not only stop by with meals, but to hang out with her a while, maybe wash dishes, you know, provide a little companionship and help. It was really hard to find people able/willing to do it.  One woman actually suggested that I just take her a big frozen lasagne and a couple bagged salad kits so "she can just eat that for 3 or 4 days."    Oh boy, that's love some and care, eh?    Another person said "why doesn't she just hire help?"  as if that is something just everyone can do. 

 

Sorry if this is too much of a derail.  My point is that when everyone is working, the community loses out a bit.  Bolt said this beautifully upthread.

 

[J-rap]

 

 

And college is more expensive than ever. I know some who are working primarily for that reason too.

 

This is very true!  It's the main reason my own mother went back to work.

[PeachyDoodle]

I don't know any moms in my age group who stay at home exclusively after all their kids are school-aged. They might stay at home and homeschool, or stay at home but work part-time during school hours.

 

I can't say for sure what I'd do if the kids went back to school, but honestly, our home runs so much more smoothly when I am here. I handle the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shuffling to and from activities and appointments, and all the long-range planning (finances, etc.). DH makes the money. I know MANY couples who divide up their household duties differently, but this is the arrangement that works far better for us than any other we've tried. I am terrible at going out every day and dealing with people; he is terrible at thinking and planning and anticipating all the million little things that we need to get done. This is the perfect scenario for us; hopefully it never has to change. I thought I would hate being a SAHM, but it turned out to be my calling.

 

So, definitely still a valid choice, but definitely a less-chosen option these days.

[pinkmint]

*

Edited March 7, 2016 by pinkmint

[NorthwestMom]

I am a feminist and I believe in having all of the range of life choices available to women - so being a SAHM is clearly one of many valid choices.

 

Who really cares what other people think anyway? Everyone should do what works best for themselves.

[wendy not in HI]

I am a stay at home mom with my kids in school.  My oldest is 21 and in college, and my youngest is 12 and in middle school.  Next year we will have 2 in college and 2 at home.  I find that there is plenty to do with my time. My husband is in the military and we move every couple of years, which makes cultivating a career even less appealing.

 

I have not actively looked for work, but have fallen into teaching violin lessons.  I am a violinist and play with community orchestras when available in our local area.  When our amazing teacher moved, I was unable to find a slot for my two kids, so I decided to teach them to fill the gap until a new teacher would let us in.  That turned into others asking if I could teach their children... and now I have 10 students!  I have been teaching for about 5 years in 2 different locations, and i think I'm pretty great   ;) That has been fun, and it's nice to have a little (teeny tiny bit of) added income, but all of my lessons happen during that busy afternoon time.  I don't love the evening shuffle on my two busiest teaching days... It is also difficult to keep a violin studio with a military career - I helped my last batch of kids find new teachers, and will do the same for my current students when we move this summer.  It takes about a year to get a good batch of students going, and if we will only be in our new home for 2 years, it can feel sort of pointless...

 

I also give a large amount of my time in service.  I am currently working hard to help a new nonprofit get up on its feet - and working at least part time (without pay) to make that work.  In the past I have been very involved in pta and military spouse groups and church volunteering.

 

Anyway, I have several friends who are stay at home moms.  Some have family businesses that they support.  Some are "just" moms.  Most fill their time with family, volunteer, working out, aging relatives, big gardens, chickens, etc.  I think having the flexibility to "just" be home is a huge blessing.  And not just for me - I know that it has helped our family thrive through move after move and deployment after deployment.  

Edited March 7, 2016 by wendy not in HI

[HeWillSoar]

I knew plenty of other SAHMs when my kids were younger but as they went to school, all the moms got part time jobs.  All of them but me.  Almost all of them started working as a preschool teacher, except for one who had a nursing degree and she was able to get back into that.  I wasn't interested in working with young kids and  I was having a hard time deciding what I would want to go to school for. There was still plenty to do at home, plus I wanted summers off to spend with the kids and I wanted to be there when they got home from school, weekends off, etc.  I became content with still being a SAHM but wished that there were other  older SAHMs that I could connect with.  I still see it as a valid choice and think that there is much value to my family in doing that.  Now I'm homeschooling and will be over 50 before I'm finished.  I may work a little retail job or something to help the youngest through college at that point. 

 

 

Edited March 7, 2016 by HeWillSoar

[El...]

Whatever other people want to do is fine and valid, IMO.  For me, and really just me, I would not want to be a SAHW.  It happened for about 2 years after I left the AF and before we had our first child, and I was so, so bored.  Actually, I think I was depressed.  It was a learning experience that I wouldn't want to repeat.  I need to be very active.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

In terms of what ppl think, I have never encountered anyone who was negative about it.  Most of the time they make comments to me like lucky you I wish we could afford it.  To which I generally think BULL CRAP.  They choose to live a lifestyle that requires more money is what they generally mean.  Which is fine.  I'm not pooing on that choice, but it is not a fact that they cannot afford to live on less money.  I'm not referring to a situation where both spouses earn minimum wage.  I mean other coworkers of my husband, who I am certain make more money than he does, claiming they cannot afford to live on that amount of money so their spouse must work. 

 

 

[PineFarmMom]

Yes. It is a very valid choice. I chose it over a job that paid quite well. The last time I worked in that field was nearly 13 years ago. I have watched women with lots of money and women with little money make that choice. For us, our income was low without my job. We took the leap of faith and God has provided more opportunities for my husband and he makes more now than we both did together when we were both working. I have watched several women make that choice for their families and I have watched God provide. A lot of the time the choice is followed by a conviction that it is the best choice for the family!

Edited March 7, 2016 by Texas T

[PineFarmMom]

 

It's a worthy cause and that's why I do it. But it's not the norm in my world.

This!!

[Stellalarella]

American culture places a high value on individual choice.  Being a SAHM/W is a valid choice because we love our choices here in America.  

 

Because it isn't a popular choice though, I can't use bandwagon demographics to support my choice.

 

Perhaps to many I'm like the triceratops in the Enormous Egg, an oddity who consumes way more grass than the museum can afford.  

[kubiac]

It's an economic thing. Or a perceived economic thing. People don't feel safe raising a family on only one income.

 

Observation: Here in California, I have observed that the women most likely to be SAHMs are the wives of technology guys. I see two causes for this: (1) Tech guys have virtually guaranteed jobs and high incomes for as long as they choose to work in that field, so it's possible for the family to survive long-term on one salary. (2) Tech is so all-consuming that the family decision re work-life balance is simply that one partner will work and the other will take care of the home, rather than both of them trying to do some work and some childraising/housework.

Edited March 7, 2016 by kubiac

[poppy]

I am a feminist and I believe in having all of the range of life choices available to women - so being a SAHM is clearly one of many valid choices.

 

Who really cares what other people think anyway? Everyone should do what works best for themselves.

 

I absolutely agree with this.

I will say, though, that I think the rise in cost of living associated with having a two income family (which can make it harder to SAH) is certainly a product of women having access to careers they didn't just a few decades ago.  It's bemoaned a bit on this thread, but I think it is a marvelous thing.  That families can choose to have to income, at the cost of scrambling a bit on evenings / weekends, for financial stability, their own professional satisfaction, and offering a different sort of role model for girls that was uncommon when I was a little kid, where all the women were teachers, tellers, nurses or state employees.  Oh, waitresses.

 

I am a SAHM and glad to be, I am a role model, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that there are a lot fewer than their used to be.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Although I often wonder how I should answer the question, "Do you work?"  The other day someone called to ask me some research/survey questions.  That was one of the questions and the choices were part time, full time, or homemaker.  I do more than clean my house.  I homeschool my kids and it takes quite a bit of my time.  Tuesday through Friday that is pretty much what I'm doing almost all day long. 

 

BUT...nobody really pays me.  So I guess it's not considered a real job.  I still think it is a job though that isn't quite within the realm of homemaker.

 

 

 

 

[redsquirrel]

Well, of course it is a 'valid choice' in that it exists and people make that choice. It is not a typical choice. Depending on where you live, your class, your religious background etc, people will see different things, but for the nation as a whole it is becoming unusual.

 

I, for one, can't imagine staying home if I wasn't homeschooling. I think I would go insane. I would be absolutely out of reasons not to do the housekeeping, and that would probably kill me. I am currently a mixture of loving homeschooling and not wanting to ever, ever stop, and being very excited about not homeschooling and getting back into the workforce in a few years.

 

I do think I would be very, very surprised if one of the teenage girls I know told me she wanted to be a stay at home mother. All the ones I know are planning for college and careers. The couple of young women I know who were homeschooled through high school, are all graduated from college and some grad school and happily working in their fields. The one who is a mother of  young children is not planning to homeschool. She loves her work as a minister and doesn't want to give it up.

 

Even when I was growing up in the late 70s and 80s, I don't remember ever hearing one of my peers say she wanted to be a stay at home mother.  I can't remember anyone having a stay at home mother. They all worked, but I don't remember knowing any difference between full and part time. There was one young woman who said she wanted to be a secretary, because she didn't want to go to college.  FWIW, she did go to college and she is the owner of several successful restaurants in the south. To be clear, not everyone in my high school class went to college. There were plenty that didn't, but they were generally doing vocational training to be beauticians  or 'business'.  Remember 'business' in high school? You learned word processing and short hand etc and could get a job right out of college in an office.

[poppy]

I am a feminist and I believe in having all of the range of life choices available to women - so being a SAHM is clearly one of many valid choices.

 

Who really cares what other people think anyway? Everyone should do what works best for themselves.

 

I absolutely agree with this.

I will say, though, that I think the rise in cost of living associated with having a two income family (which can make it harder to SAH) is certainly a product of women having access to careers they didn't just a few decades ago.  It's bemoaned a bit on this thread, but I think it is a marvelous thing.  That families can choose to have to income, at the cost of scrambling a bit on evenings / weekends, for financial stability, their own professional satisfaction, and offering a different sort of role model for girls that was uncommon when I was a little kid, where all the women were teachers, tellers, nurses or state employees.  Oh, waitresses.

 

I am a SAHM and glad to be, I am a role model, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that there are a lot fewer than their used to be.

[Night Elf]

It is for me and my mom! I won't go back to work unless it's truly necessary but frankly I don't see that happening. My mom worked for years while I was growing up. It was only because it was necessary while she was single. As soon as she remarried, he told her he had no problem with her quitting work forever. They don't have a lot, but they get by. Mom is 73 and sometimes thinks of looking for a cashier job but my stepdad knows she doesn't really want to work so he tells her they are fine and not to worry.

[regentrude]

It is a valid choice if that is what works for you and your family.

 

This said: the majority of the moms in my homeschool group work part time or have their own business. I personally do not know any women who stay home after their kids are in school, with the exception of foreigners who do not have a Green Card and are thus not allowed to work.

[regentrude]

In terms of what ppl think, I have never encountered anyone who was negative about it.  Most of the time they make comments to me like lucky you I wish we could afford it.  To which I generally think BULL CRAP.  They choose to live a lifestyle that requires more money is what they generally mean.  Which is fine.  I'm not pooing on that choice, but it is not a fact that they cannot afford to live on less money.  I'm not referring to a situation where both spouses earn minimum wage.  I mean other coworkers of my husband, who I am certain make more money than he does, claiming they cannot afford to live on that amount of money so their spouse must work. 

The "cannot afford" issue is a question of lifestyle and goals in life.

A person could afford to stay home, but then the family might struggle paying for college. So, if part of their "lifestyle" choices includes funding college education, then the spouse truly cannot afford to stay home.

If their goal were sending the kids to community college and then taking out loans, they could.

 

I don't think it is "bull crap" to prioritize things like this. Or to put a high priority on family travel and, for example, foster a strong relationship of the kids with their grandparents overseas. Just different choices and priorities. Owning a house with bedrooms for each child as opposed to living in a one room shack is, in the end, a choice.

Edited March 7, 2016 by regentrude

[EmseB]

Whatever other people want to do is fine and valid, IMO.  For me, and really just me, I would not want to be a SAHW.  It happened for about 2 years after I left the AF and before we had our first child, and I was so, so bored.  Actually, I think I was depressed.  It was a learning experience that I wouldn't want to repeat.  I need to be very active.

 

The SAHWs (all two of them) I know are very active in their communities (and I'm not talking about frivolous social clubs, either).

 

I will say, on a subtle level it's this kind of sentiment that makes people think that staying at home is not a valid choice.  Like, somehow not having an income means one is not "very active".

[Arcadia]

(1) Tech guys have virtually guaranteed jobs and high incomes for as long as they choose to work in that field, so it's possible for the family to survive long-term on one salary.

I know many retrenched tech guys and ladies in Silicon Valley. Hubby's ex-colleagues has been calling and emailing him for job hunting help because it is easier to get a job interview with employee referral. Hubby's ex-boss was recently retrenched due to restructuring at a top software company.

 

As for surviving on one income, it helps to keep mortgage at 30% or less of take home pay and to dump as much money as possible into emergency savings to tide over unemployment.

[Stellalarella]

Individualism is a lot of work.  One has to constantly reinvigorate the internal fires behind those personal choices because there isn't much external support.

 

If you wanted to be a SAHM/W and you saw many others taking that path, you could easily lean on the collective "wisdom," and proceed with your desire.  It's not an arduous decision.  It works the same way for deciding to send your kids out into the neighborhood to play.  If all the folks on the street do it, if all the folks in your town do it, you just don't stew over it.  

 

But if you are the only one, or one of few, the decision making process is supported only through internal energy.

 

Which, quite frankly, is just harder.

 

I'm not saying it's bad to make that choice for oneself, I'm just saying it takes more effort.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

The "cannot afford" issue is a question of lifestyle and goals in life.

A person could afford to stay home, but then the family might struggle paying for college. So, if part of their "lifestyle" choices includes funding college education, then the spouse truly cannot afford to stay home.

If their goal were sending the kids to community college and then taking out loans, they could.

 

I don't think it is "bull crap" to prioritize things like this. Or to put a high priority on family travel and, for example, foster a strong relationship of the kids with their grandparents overseas. Just different choices and priorities. Owning a house with bedrooms for each child as opposed to living in a one room shack is, in the end, a choice.

 

Then again people don't tend to operate that way.  If they make more they spend more, but not necessarily on things like college.  For example, they will likely have a more expensive home and more expensive cars.  They still may be taking loans out come college time. 

 

But, again, it is their choice to do that.  I just don't know why they call me "lucky".  This is not luck.  This is in part a choice we made.

[Doodlebug]

Perhaps what you're picking up on is that being a SAHP ceases to be practical on many levels when children leave the home.  

 

In general, we place a great deal of value on practicality.  Efficiency.  It's from this place that many of us initially chose the vocation of being the SAHP.  

 

But there are terribly valid reasons for staying home even when it is no longer the most practical choice.  

 

Similarly, I wish being an artist were more practical... I choose it anyway.  

 

[mathnerd]

It is a valid life choice - but, all the ones that I know are rich too, so they can afford to do it in our high COL area.

 

BTW/ all the SAHM's that I know of are never home! They are always driving their kids around for sports, music, tutoring etc.

Edited March 7, 2016 by mathnerd

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think if I didn't homeschool and my kids were in school, I might not necessarily get a job.  I'd have more time for hobbies or for something out of the house (if I wanted that).  But at this point I think I'd be pretty miserable having to work a lot.  The biggest reason is that I do everything around here.  My husband doesn't really do anything around here.  He goes to work and comes home and pretty much just does whatever he wants.  It might be in part because that is something he got used to.  Since I'm here to do stuff, I do it.  I'm fine with that.  But I can't imagine being able to do all of that AND work.  And I wonder if he'd pitch in without me having to constantly ask him to.  I pretty much never get time off.  Even on vacations, I do whatever work needs to be done.

 

The only exception is my husband will fix things around the house, but I always help.  Whenever we have to renovate or repairs something, I'm right there in it with him. 

 

And I'm not saying he does nothing.  He earns the money.  He goes in every day even if he doesn't feel like it.  He deals with the crap he deals with.  Although he has a desk job.  It's not too grueling. 

[FaithManor]

It is absolutely a valid life choice. Unfortunately for many, and possibly in the future for most, not a viable economic choice.

[medawyn]

I haven't worked since I got married (moved right after the wedding, and pregnant six months later).  At this point, I don't plan to return to the workforce, regardless what the educational needs of our children end up being.  

 

Should our economic situation change dramatically - mostly DH not being able to work - I could find myself back at work, of course, but the plan is currently for me to be a SAHM/W for the duration and then we can enjoy his retirement together.

[pinkmint]

I provide childcare, education and manage many household matters, for example, and it is seen as invalid by some people because they happen to be my own kids. If I were getting paid to do it for someone else's kids/ household or they were getting paid to do it for mine, it would all of a sudden be seen as valid to these same people. 

 

Getting paid = valid to some people, I guess. 

 

 

 

 

 

[pinkmint]

As far as being a valid economic choice it is getting harder and harder each passing year. I know many women do it because their husbands make decent money but some of us make huge sacrifices to do. Being a one very-modest-income family, and being a SAHM, I in no way feel like I am doing what is normal or expected or supported. But I do it because my time being present and available with my kids is worth more than any job I can think of. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I provide childcare, education and manage many household matters, for example, and it is seen as invalid by some people because they happen to be my own kids. If I were getting paid to do it for someone else's kids/ household or they were getting paid to do it for mine, it would all of a sudden be seen as valid to these same people. 

 

Getting paid = valid to some people, I guess. 

 

Yep

 

I take care of a lot of little details that in and of themselves seem small, but believe me they add up and if I didn't have the time to do them, I'd have to pay someone to do them. 

[Murphy101]

It's still valid, it's just not much respected.

 

Hence the comments of "doing nothing" if they aren't being paid.

 

I'm doing a lot more than nothing with my life. It's just not appreciated by anyone outside my family.

 

Until someone wants me to do something for them. Then suddenly they have all this appreciation for knowing someone who "doesn't work". Oh wait. No they don't. Because they presume I'm doing nothing and so of course can do anything for them. 😒

 

I feel what I do has immense value to my family and to society.

 

If I found a passion I needed a job to pursue, then I suppose I might do so. I have nothing against working folks. But I don't think there's any job that could compensate for what our family would sacrifice so I could work right now.

 

I figure when all the kids are grown, I'll do what sahw used to do and just volunteer more and or become more involved in my other interests and other ways of caring for my family.

 

I guess if I got desperate for money I might work, but then again, all the desperate scenarios I can think of would also make the necessity of a present parent even more vital, so I don't even know about that.

[Bluegoat]

The "cannot afford" issue is a question of lifestyle and goals in life.

A person could afford to stay home, but then the family might struggle paying for college. So, if part of their "lifestyle" choices includes funding college education, then the spouse truly cannot afford to stay home.

If their goal were sending the kids to community college and then taking out loans, they could.

 

I don't think it is "bull crap" to prioritize things like this. Or to put a high priority on family travel and, for example, foster a strong relationship of the kids with their grandparents overseas. Just different choices and priorities. Owning a house with bedrooms for each child as opposed to living in a one room shack is, in the end, a choice.

 

Yeah, I don't buy it when people who live in nicer houses than I do, or go on vacations every summer, or for that matter just want to save enough to pay for their kid's university, tell me I'm lucky and they wish they could stay at home too but they cannot afford it.  They could afford it, they aren't willing to. 

 

It's no different than if I said "gee, I really wish my husband could magically make as much as your families combined salary, so we could have a higher standard of living but I could stay at home." 

 

That would be a pretty tacky thing to say.

[redsquirrel]

Then again people don't tend to operate that way.  If they make more they spend more, but not necessarily on things like college.  For example, they will likely have a more expensive home and more expensive cars.  They still may be taking loans out come college time. 

 

But, again, it is their choice to do that.  I just don't know why they call me "lucky".  This is not luck.  This is in part a choice we made.

 

That is super judgmental.  How do you know how people 'tend' to operate.  My sister works full time and claims to not be able to afford homeschooling for just that very reason. She and her husband have a low debt load, have money saved for college, have a large retirement nest egg, have money in savings for emergencies etc. They  have obviously made much better financial choices that my family has. We have nothing saved for college, no savings etc. But we have homeschooled. Whose to say who has made the 'better' choice for their family? I am not always convinced it was us, that is for sure. I know there are people who homeschool who have managed to get debt free etc. Good for them. It would be feasible for us with a second income.

 

People 'tend' to want to raise their kids in a nicer neighborhood. One that feels safe, where they can have a bit of yard. The vast majority of the US population doesn't live in rural areas, the cities and surrounding areas are where the jobs are. So, to live in the less rural areas people have to pay more for that land then is typical for the rural areas.

 

The family friendly neighborhoods also have...good schools. And that translates into higher school taxes in most places.  Which means a higher cost of living. Some people can swing that on one salary and some can't

 

For me to be a homeschooling parent, that meant living in the 'worst' school district because the houses were MUCH cheaper.  That was a big trade off.  If I weren't homeschooling, I would not live in this neighborhood. I wouldn't have considered it. If you moved my house a few blocks north and east it would more than double in value, and so do the mortgages. The schools are considered among the best around. People often assume we homeschool because of where I live, that we chose to homeschool to avoid the school. Nope, we live here because it means our mortgage was low and we can afford to live on one salary.

 

The key thing is that we knew before we had kids that we wanted to homeschool. That guided our decision as to where we settled down. Even if we had continued renting, we still would not be able to afford to have me at home without living on this side of town. The rents in the nicer neighborhoods with better schools are well beyond what we could afford. We could have continued renting in the rural part of the county, but again, the schools out there are not what I would have wanted for my kids. And I am not certain we could have afforded the rent for a 2 bedroom apartment, even in the rural areas, in a place I would have wanted to live. Some of the cheaper rental areas out in the country are pretty dodgy. 

 

So, if you are someone who didn't know before conception that you wanted to homeschool, you might have made perfectly valid choices about where you want to raise your kids that make it impossible to be a single income family. That doesn't mean you are a profligate spender, it means that you want to live in a neighborhood where you can walk the streets safely after dark.  I don't think there is anything selfish or thoughtless about that choice.

 

And, I also think a lot of people give lip service with the 'I always wanted to homeschool', but it's not something that is a real desire. It's like how I always wanted to teach the boys to ski. I guess if we rearranged our finances in a pretty big way, and had the boys quit their weekend commitments, then I guess I could spend every weekend on the slopes with them. But, in reality, I don't have the money to pay for lift tickets for a family of four, a hotel for the weekends, $ for renting or buying skis, food while staying in hotels etc.  So, we can't afford it. It's not that we don't have the money, it's that we have decided to do something else with it, something that is equally valuable and I don't regret, but there will always be a part of me that wishes I could have done it.  I have friends who do and that is great. But it isn't a real priority.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah, I don't buy it when people who live in nicer houses than I do, or go on vacations every summer, or for that matter just want to save enough to pay for their kid's university, tell me I'm lucky and they wish they could stay at home too but they cannot afford it.  They could afford it, they aren't willing to. 

 

It's no different than if I said "gee, I really wish my husband could magically make as much as your families combined salary, so we could have a higher standard of living but I could stay at home." 

 

That would be a pretty tacky thing to say.

 

LOL

 

Although I wish I had the nerve to say it.

 

I think though that for the most part people don't care that deeply about what I do.  They are just making conversation.  Even the line about all the luck I have is probably not something they thought about. 

 

 

[Crimson Wife]

I would like to know when and why the term Stay at Home Mom came about. When did housewife or homemaker stop being descriptive enough? I actually fairly dislike seeing the SAHM phraseology everywhere as it makes me always feel conscious of a line drawn in the sand. To me it says A) that having kids somehow justifies staying home, because otherwise it isn't a justifilable choice in the opinion of some, and those Some felt I must need to delineate myself as raising children rather than being "just" a homemaker supporting my husband, and B) I am also calling myself out as the opposite of a Working Mom, because homemaking isn't considered a viable path in life. It is just one of those things that annoys me. I call myself a housewife and yet just about everyone refers to me as a SAHM. It drives me crazy. I am proud to be a housewife and I hope if my daughters so choose to be one one day, they have husbands who will step up to the plate and support them in that choice.

 

To each her own. I, personally, *HATE* the term "housewife" and much prefer the term SAHM. I'm not home to be a maid but a mother. Anybody can do menial housecleaning tasks like scrubbing toilets but not everyone can do a good job raising a child.

 

I don't care if other women choose to prioritize housework over being a mom and/or holding paid employment. Knock yourself out maintaining a Martha Stewart-worthy home. Just don't expect me to embrace the "housewife" label for myself.