What do you say to someone recently returned from serving in Afghanistan, Iraq, etc.?

[J-rap]

I struggle with this.  A couple years ago, I was volunteering with a woman whose husband just returned from serving two terms in Iraq.  We weren't friends, but we knew each other somewhat from our kids being in the same activities for several years.  I thought I should say something to let her know I cared, and that I was happy for her that her husband was home.  I told her how wonderful it must be to have her husband home again, and asked her how he was doing.  She flew off the handle with me, and told me she couldn't believe I had the gall to ask that, as though he were just returning from a vacation or something.  She went on tell me that no one gets it.  No one gets how terrible it is and everyone asks such shallow questions.  Wow.  That threw me for a loop!  I think I'm smart enough to know it wasn't at all like a vacation over there, though naturally I can't imagine what it was like.  I'm sure she and her husband had a lot going on trying to deal with it all.  I obviously hit a very raw nerve.

 

So now I'm gun shy.  Last night, I sat across the table from a young man who I just met that evening.  So we had some typical getting-to-know-you questions, and he told me about his new job after returning from Afghanistan.  It seemed like I should acknowledge his being in Afghanistan, since he had brought it up and it is such a big deal, and I didn't want him to think I was ignoring that.  So, I asked him how long he had been in Afghanistan, and he politely answered me, but then that was it.  That's fine.   But then I felt like I should at least say something to show that I cared, like, "Thank you for serving," or "It must be nice to be home."   Yet I had no idea of the right thing to say in that situation.  So instead, there was kind of a momentarily awkward silence and I changed the subject and began asking him about his new job.  

 

I think this is harder when it's with people you don't know well, but you still want to show your support and be polite about it.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

Huh.  Can't say that I quite understand that response, but maybe he wasn't in a good way when he got back? 

 

Years ago I chatted with a woman regularly who had a husband in the military.  He had a lot of mental health issues as a result.  When he came home he was drunk regularly to cope.  So I imagine that she wasn't always so glad he was home.  She probably wished things could be different.

 

I think it is ok to say nothing.  If you don't know the situation, it's hard to know what to say.  Sometimes saying nothing is perfectly fine. 

[Barbara H]

"Thank you for your service" is polite and I'd just go with that.

[Valley Girl]

Wow. Sorry you got hit with whatever that woman was dealing with. I'm not military, so maybe I'm clueless. But I'd think "Welcome home--thank you for your service" would be appropriate.

[FaithManor]

I always say "Thank you for your service. I am honored by your family's sacrifice for America." It works well and especially if you don't know the situation well.

 

 

[Beaniemom]

Homecoming and adjustment to life together can be rough. I'm sorry you had such a negative reaction from the woman you spoke to. Perhaps it was just a very bad time for them. When we were going through that adjustment period I know sometimes it felt awkward for people to remark on how nice it must be for dh to be home because I didn't really feel happy that he was home. I hope I was more gracious in my answers to those who inquired though.

I know with my dh something simple like "thank you for your service" is appreciated. It is fine to comment and then move on to another topic if the person does not seem to want to expand on it. It is very nice that you want to express your appreciation.

[WagsWife]

That lady's response was strange. There is a lot of stress that comes with a loved one being deployed anywhere, and even more so if it is war zone. Homecomings are typically happy...but the adjustment can be difficult. Sometimes the stress can be overwhelming-causing a member or spouse to not act in the best way. Your question was very nice and appropriate. Their situation may have been on the more stressful end of things, but IMO she was out of line. As a military wife, I have been hit with all kinds of stupid, careless...and clueless comments/questions...your's wasn't any of those.

 

"Welcome home, thank your for your service." (Or any similar variation) is always appropriate.

[Xahm]

It sounds like the woman was having a rough adjustment period. I hope I would have followed up with an apology for offending and an offer to go to coffee so she could tell me what it is really like and get to vent a bit, but I probably would have stood in awkward silence.

My husband is National Guard, formerly active duty who served two tours. He hasn't been deployed except for lots of one month here and there stuff, but I hate when people do the "thank you for your service" thing. It feels so rote. I won't yell at you, I'll just smile and move on, but I really don't like it and neither does he. He almost never gets thanked for his everyday work as a police officer, which is a job he likes less, gets paid less for, and is about equally dangerous, as well as being more helpful to the people who thank him for his military service. I know there are tons of bad cops but there are also tons of bad soldiers.

That was just the rant I think when people thank me for my husband's military service. Good to get off my chest, and I'm sure others enjoy being thanked. It certainly isn't rude to do so, but try to say it in a personal sounding way.

Another thing to chat with with a recently returned vet is his military job. It may not be the most exciting topic of conversation, but most soldiers I talk to enjoy letting you know whether they were infantry, intelligence, logistics, etc.

[Tita Gidge]

 When we were going through that adjustment period I know sometimes it felt awkward for people to remark on how nice it must be for dh to be home because I didn't really feel happy that he was home.

 

This was true for us, also.  Maybe part of the woman's lashing out was also feeling a bit of guilt these feelings. We're supposed to be 100% thrilled our spouse is home but when he's unrecognizable and broken, what's there to be happy about?  

 

For me it was a roller coaster of emotions - so glad to have him home, but also put off by the interruption to the flow that had become our lives; happy to have him home, but not happy to deal with the fallout it took on him and the residual fall out it had on our children; relieved he was home, but resentful of the military's lack of support and my husband's initial refusal to seek any form of treatment for his non-physical scars.

 

And if I'm 100% honest, I really struggled with the adulation my husband received from strangers.  Didn't they know how hard it was on me?? Multiple tours, young children, a job of my own, constant worry (he's a front line soldier), juggling finances, dealing with kids whose friends talked about the war death tolls, etc. all of it.  I think they didn't know, because unless they were wives how could they possibly? He got to go off and play soldier, he was doing what he loves. I had to keep all the plates spinning at home.  But at the time I wasn't thinking with reason, I was just depressed and feeling guilty for feeling the way that I did. And I probably snapped at some well-meaning people who couldn't have known.  

 

FWIW my husband was always very uncomfortable with someone thanking him for his service. It's a job, and one he chose to do. He accepted it but never wanted to talk about it or discuss it. He probably came off as awkward. My BIL, on the other hand, is in a desk job in the Reserves and is happy to rake in the public praise - go figure. 

 

I'm sorry your well wishes weren't received in the manner in which you intended them. I hope that doesn't prevent you from being YOU and expressing your appreciation. It's really a wonderful thing, and I bet more people are glad to hear it than not - even if it takes them some time to find that appreciation. That's reflective of them and where they are - and not of you.

[Garga]

Well don't do like my 22-year old self and ask, "Did ya kill anyone?"

 

Urgh. I was such a moron in my 20's.

 

Story: My coworker was in the marines, which was a bit of a shock to me as he was a doughy, pale, slightly overweight guy who worked in IT. He looked about as far from a marine as you could imagine and he was only about 28 or so, so it's not like he had 40 years between him and his service.

 

Anyway, he was part of the gulf war back in the early 90's and was posted somewhere in the middle east. My goofy self asked, "Did ya kill anyone?"

 

He just stared at me with a blank look and didn't answer. Later in the day, he told me about how they set up camp in the desert, not knowing they'd set up right on top of an enemy bunker until the enemy soldiers started pouring into their camp from underground. He didn't give details, but yes, he killed in his service to this country.

 

I know that none of you would ever be stupid enough to ask that question. Jeesh. Sometimes I just shake my head at the person I used to be. I'm not sure I'd like 20-something me if I met her now. She was pretty clueless.

 

ETA: I think I felt bold enough to ask the question because he didn't *look* like a marine and I guess I thought he just sat around filing papers all day. I thought I was being "funny." I sort of thought he'd laugh along and say, "No! I was just a paper filer!" Or something. I learned that day never, ever to judge a book by its cover.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Garga

[Kristie in Florida]

I will ask my husband when he wakes up from his nap.

 

I understand her response.

 

The PTSD is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

 

My husband is home for always now because he was injured. No civilian job is quite the same. He misses it.

[RoundAbout]

My husband was active duty Marine infantry and did 8 military deployments before he retired a few years ago, and really there's no right thing to say.  I hated people feeling sorry for me or saying things that emphasize how different my experience is from the norm: "Wow, I can hardly manage my husband being gone a week, I don't know *how* you do it for a whole year!" or "I can't believe you had a baby by yourself!" Gee, thanks, it's not like I had a choice. During a deployment  I just kind of want to get on with my life, and drawing attention to something uncomfortable, difficult, and unusual doesn't help.  The best friends were the ones who didn't make a big deal out of it but just made an effort to keep me included in things.  

 

Asking how a service member is after their return is also a sticky.  Not every service member had a difficult time or a combat related job, and even plenty who did see tough things return home just fine and without PTSD.  So it can be kind of insulting to assume there is a problem or someone's spouse is  wreck. And if there IS a problem its not something that's going to be discussed casually.  So there's just no way to win.

 

Don't get me wrong, that woman was rude, but sounds like she had reached the breaking point a long time ago.  

 

I think the best thing to do is just treat it like a normal job.  If they want to talk about it they will.  

[ThisIsTheDay]

This was true for us, also.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I don't know the "right" thing to say, but thank you for sharing and your honesty.  I'm sorry, and I hope that things have continued to improve. 

 

  :grouphug: :grouphug:

[mamiof5]

Such a sensitive subject!! I would think that a "thank you for your service, welcome home" would be appropriate. I just can't imagine what families go through before, during, and after their deployment/return home. Words can never express how thankful I am towards military families. Not only the soldiers, but their wives, children, parents, siblings etc, just anyone involved or affected by the process. THANK YOU! May the Lord bless you all.

[Reefgazer]

"Welcome home!"

[Rachel]

I've only known two people who have served in Afganistan. The one I knew well enough to say, "welcome home." I'm good friends with his wife and had been in touch with her throughout his tour and had arranged for people to help her with child care and meals. He was very thankful to me for all I had done for her and I felt awkward because I didn't feel like I had done much or near enough. Looking back he may have been trying to deflect the conversation so that it wasn't about him.

 

The other person I have met is a youngish guy who served toward the beginning of the war over there. He has been back for a long time so I asked general questions. Through my brother I learned about some of the things he has nightmares about still, it has to be tough serving in a war.

 

I think the woman you encountered had an over the top reaction, but you may have caught her on an off day too.

[Ravin]

"Welcome home" is good. I've always thought "Thank you for your service" is trite. People offer it the same whether you served last year or ten years ago, in peace or war. 

 

If you really know the person and want to be supportive, "wow, that sounds like quite a transition. Anything I can do to help y'all out?" might be in order, but a casual acquaintance? Not so much.

[lovinmyboys]

I don't think you did anything wrong. That woman was upset and took it out on you.

 

Having said that, I have been very bitter about my dh's multiple deployments and sometimes the kind sentiments seemed trite. I dont really know what I wanted people to say. Honestly, I don't think I liked anything people said. But, that is on me, not the people who were trying to be kind.

[DesertBlossom]

Wow. I wonder what was going on that made her react that way.

 

My DH just deployed. There's no active conflict where he's at, which I am so grateful for. I can't imagine that kind of worry or stress. But I do appreciate when people ask how I am doing or how he is doing. Even if it's fairly superficial conversation, I appreciate knowing people are thinking about us.

[Lanny]

Thank you for your service!   We appreciate the sacrifice you and your family made!   

[J-rap]

Another thing to chat with with a recently returned vet is his military job. It may not be the most exciting topic of conversation, but most soldiers I talk to enjoy letting you know whether they were infantry, intelligence, logistics, etc.

 

So, you mean to just ask them, "What did you do while over there?"

[J-rap]

 

 

And if I'm 100% honest, I really struggled with the adulation my husband received from strangers.  Didn't they know how hard it was on me?? Multiple tours, young children, a job of my own, constant worry (he's a front line soldier), juggling finances, dealing with kids whose friends talked about the war death tolls, etc. all of it.  I think they didn't know, because unless they were wives how could they possibly? He got to go off and play soldier, he was doing what he loves. I had to keep all the plates spinning at home.  But at the time I wasn't thinking with reason, I was just depressed and feeling guilty for feeling the way that I did. And I probably snapped at some well-meaning people who couldn't have known.  

 

 

  That's a very good point.  Thanks for sharing.

[J-rap]

Well don't do like my 22-year old self and ask, "Did ya kill anyone?"

 

Urgh. I was such a moron in my 20's.

 

Story: My coworker was in the marines, which was a bit of a shock to me as he was a doughy, pale, slightly overweight guy who worked in IT. He looked about as far from a marine as you could imagine and he was only about 28 or so, so it's not like he had 40 years between him and his service.

 

Anyway, he was part of the gulf war back in the early 90's and was posted somewhere in the middle east. My goofy self asked, "Did ya kill anyone?"

 

He just stared at me with a blank look and didn't answer. Later in the day, he told me about how they set up camp in the desert, not knowing they'd set up right on top of an enemy bunker until the enemy soldiers started pouring into their camp from underground. He didn't give details, but yes, he killed in his service to this country.

 

I know that none of you would ever be stupid enough to ask that question. Jeesh. Sometimes I just shake my head at the person I used to be. I'm not sure I'd like 20-something me if I met her now. She was pretty clueless.

 

I'm sure we all have embarrassing recollections from that age!  I sure do.  

[J-rap]

Quite frankly, I get her response. I totally do.

 

Don't engage. If someone is freshly home, chances are that they don't want to talk about their experience. There are still things my own husband won't talk about from his time in Iraq, six years later.

 

Yeah, it ain't easy. That freak-out that occurred on the first trip to the grocery store a few days after his return? They probably don't want to talk about that. The night terrors that occur every night for weeks, if not months, after returning? They probably don't want to talk about that. The panic attacks that occur every time a helicopter flies overhead? They probably don't want to talk about that. The misplaced anger that gets directed at the kids? Probably not that either.

 

Just say, "Welcome home" and leave it alone.

 

And should I say anything to his wife?  Like, "I'm glad to hear your husband is home"?

[J-rap]

 

My husband is home for always now because he was injured. No civilian job is quite the same. He misses it.

 

 

I'm very sorry to hear that.   :grouphug:

[happypamama]

We would say, "Welcome home!" And if we see someone in uniform or someone that we know has recently returned, we would say, "Thank you for your service." I think it's important to recognize that their service to our country is different from ours, that it is of a different note than DH's day job. And when particularly applicable (often around the holidays, for instance, where they're missing Christmas to protect our country), we would say, "Thank you for your sacrifice," and we would absolutely extend that to their spouses and children. I want our military personnel (and our firefighters, policemen, and other emergency workers, to a degree) to know that we, the people they're putting their lives on the line for, know and appreciate what they do.

 

So, THANK YOU, military members and your families, thank you, thank you, from my family for all that you do and for all that you sacrifice!

[Xahm]

I personally would say something like "oh, my husband was infantry in Iraq, but he wanted Afghanistan instead. What was your MOS?" I wouldn't want to sound like what I was asking was code for "did you shoot someone," but if I'm talking to a soldier (or airman, marine, etc) I want to give them a chance to brag on themselves or their unit, if they are so inclined.

So, you mean to just ask them, "What did you do while over there?"

[MercyA]

To the person in the military: "I'm glad you're back."

To the spouse: "I'm glad he/she is back."

 

And then, maybe, "What are you / what is he doing now?"

[StartingOver]

My son served in Afghanistan. The first time he was home and someone said, "Thank you for your service", he was polite. But later we talked. He really wishes folks would just say "Welcome home", and leave it at that. He and many of his friends have said the same. They say it's those that didn't come home that people should thank.

 

If you know them well simply say " I am here." PTSD is just so hard.

Edited February 8, 2016 by StartingOver

[MSNative]

I wonder if it is a generational thing. My father is retired military. He always thanks returning military personnel for their service ask taught us to do so too. Of course he started serving in the Vietnam era and still vividly remembers all the insults thrown at him and other while in uniform.

 

I also remember talking to a neighbor whose husband was a WWII vet. She explained how hard it was to be the spouse left at home. And just seeing all that my mom went through moving every 18mos. I always make sure that I thank spouses too!

 

Totally agree with thanking firemen, policemen and utility line men. We bring our local area ones homemade (ok from a box but they wouldn't want it if I made it from scratch) brownies. It's harder with utility line men so we just write thank you notes to our utility company and ask them to pass on our appreciation.

[Kristie in Florida]

Ditto. And I'm not sure people understand that the person is forever changed. The husband I have now is not the same person I married.

It explains the ten year gap of my children's ages. I never know what to say when people ask. It's not like I can say, "well we had to heal and then fall in love again."

[StartingOver]

I wonder if it is a generational thing. My father is retired military. He always thanks returning military personnel for their service ask taught us to do so too. Of course he started serving in the Vietnam era and still vividly remembers all the insults thrown at him and other while in uniform.

 

I also remember talking to a neighbor whose husband was a WWII vet. She explained how hard it was to be the spouse left at home. And just seeing all that my mom went through moving every 18mos. I always make sure that I thank spouses too!

 

Totally agree with thanking firemen, policemen and utility line men. We bring our local area ones homemade (ok from a box but they wouldn't want it if I made it from scratch) brownies. It's harder with utility line men so we just write thank you notes to our utility company and ask them to pass on our appreciation.

I think it is generational. I have many family members from Vietnam to Afghanistan.

 

My son would never be rude but he flinches. He thinks of it as his job, he volunteered, he asked for it.

 

To him his dad doesn't get thanks for being a mechanic every day, so why should he.

 

He has a ton of guilt about those he couldn't save either, medic.

[Pam in CT]

I'd like to thank everyone who has participated on this thread.  Lots to think about.  

 

:grouphug: to all spouses who have dealt / are still living with re-integration difficulties.  Holding you in the light.

[J-rap]

I'd like to thank everyone who has participated on this thread.  Lots to think about.  

 

:grouphug: to all spouses who have dealt / are still living with re-integration difficulties.  Holding you in the light.

 

Yes, I agree.  Thank you everyone.  I really appreciate your sharing and your insight.  It is a lot to think about.

[fraidycat]

Another mlitary family here who rather NOT hear "Thanks for your service/sacrifice".

 

A simple "Welcome home" is fine when speaking to the service member.

"I'm here if you need anything" for closer friends.

"I'm glad he/she is back" for family of service people is sufficient.

 

The lady you spoke to was WAY out of line, though. Yes, she has stress, but everybody does. Military families don't have a "special snowflake" corner on the stress market. She doesn't get a "get out of jail free" card for her outright rudeness just because her husband was deployed.

[fairfarmhand]

And should I say anything to his wife?  Like, "I'm glad to hear your husband is home"?

 

My bff is a military wife. I think she'd like this and would also appreciate some acknowledgement that she had a difficult time too.

 

Also, including that "I know re-entry can be hard and quite an adjustment for all. I'll be thinking of you all."

 

Because the kids had been used to a certain routine and Dad being back home, while wonderful, was just different. If dad has some issues, it's doubly difficult. Add to that some very small people who only have foggy memories of this guy called Daddy...and Dad feeling like a fish out of water...it's hard.