Annoyed with youth group leader

[Moxie]

Thus is just a vent unless someone has any ideas about this coat.

 

We have a youth leader at our church. She's so nice but she has these big ideas that never pan out. Last night, to teach the teen group that "every person is important" she had them throw paint filled balloons at a canvas. They were outside so 13dd had her white coat on. You can guess what happened. The youth leader assured me that "it is water-based paint so it should wash out". Well, water-based and washable are two separate things because I've washed it twice and it is still just as bright as it was.

 

Crap like this always happens with this woman. She is really nice and means well but she always plans these big activities for silly reasons.

 

I'm really annoyed about this coat getting ruined.

[ErinE]

:grouphug: Water-based paint doesn't mean washable. I would be tempted to ask the youth leader in a passive-aggressive manner: "The stain on my daughter's coat isn't coming out. Do you have any suggestions to remove the stain?" :sleep:

 

I've noticed youth leaders do this all the time. I think it's part of the "relating to youth" aspect. They're fun! exciting! relating! while mom and dad clean up the mess.

 

Did your dd have fun?

[bettyandbob]

She probably should have advised kids about not getting spattered or warned about dress before the meeting. I'd also expect a 13 yo to be aware as well. I guess for future events send child with change of grubby clothes to use if necessary.

 

A white coat would be a disaster for anyone, including me, in my house.

 

Oxi clean?

[HRAAB]

No ideas about the coat, except trying vinegar and Purex maybe. About the youth group leaders, I could fill multiple pages with vents.

[Mimm]

I probably wouldn't get too worked up about it. I also wouldn't buy my kids a white coat, personally. I feel like, when you're wearing white clothes, you have to be all vigilant about keeping them clean, more than with any other color. I rarely wear white myself. My life is just too messy.

 

Is there only one color on the coat? Maybe it could be dyed. :)

[PeachyDoodle]

How does throwing paint-filled balloons teach one that "every person is important"??? :confused1:

 

I hated this kind of stuff when I was a teen. I hate it even more now that I'm an adult. I'm just not "fun" and "relate-able," I guess. I don't understand why adults who work with teens seem to believe that they have to think and act like teens in order to relate to teens. Don't teenagers appreciate adult role models who are actually adults? I know I did.

 

Hugs, OP. Wish I had a good idea about the coat, but I don't. Maybe the local dry cleaner could help?

[Tap]

I would contact a dry cleaner and see if they can get it out.  If you can't afford the cleaner, maybe the church will help pay for it.  Even if you do get it out, I would mention it to her, so she knows in the future.

 

I guess this is a just a life experience situation.   As you seem to know, but the leader did not, not all water based or washable paint, will come out of all fabrics.  Some are more washable that others and some times the fabric just doesn't want to let go of the dye.  Roseart brand is one of the worst I have seen for claiming washablity, but ends up staining way more that it washes off of. 

 

Sorry, I hate it when things like that happen.  DD has a brand new pair of shoes ruined the first day of school with paint one year, when the kids worked on painting a large outdoor mural. I cleaned them up the best I could. She just wore them the rest of the year anyways, but it always bugged me when I saw it.  In my daughters case, it was acrylic paint that washes up with water when wet, but not after it dries. The teacher had them wear smocks and didn't think about the shoes.  LOL  Teacher just didn't think that one through. DD wasn't the only one with paint splattered shoes that year.

Edited January 14, 2016 by Tap

[mom2samlibby]

I'd be upset about the coat too, but on the flip side, your daughter knew she was wearing a white coat.  Why didn't she take it off?   If you know this type of thing is an issue with the leader, I'd send her on Wednesday night in older clothing. 

 

I'm guessing the youth group leader didn't plan this too far in advance since notice wasn't given to the students/parents.  Our youth group leader always did a shaving cream war in May.  They kids were told well in advance to wear old clothes since it stains and to bring towels to wipe it off.  

 

 

[Guest]

She wore the coat because they were outside and it was 22 degrees. Dd isn't a messy kid; the coat has survived fine until last night. And if she had taken it off, she would have just ruined her shirt.

[Baseball mom]

Youth leader should have announced sometime before. "we will be using paint, wear old clothes". 

 

Teens do  not always think about splatters and being careful with their clothes.

Edited January 14, 2016 by Baseball mom

[Rosyl]

I empathize with you.  (Ours has a food war every august....the kids are covered in chocolate syrup, ketchup and every other gross condiments  big mess, no purpose)

[mom2samlibby]

She wore the coat because they were outside and it was 22 degrees. Dd isn't a messy kid; the coat has survived fine until last night. And if she had taken it off, she would have just ruined her shirt.

 

Ah, thought maybe you were in a slightly warmer area.  It was 50 here yesterday.  That sounds like a strange activity to do in weather that cold.

 

I'd think that is a spring/summer activity when kids would be wearing fewer clothing items.  

[HRAAB]

How does throwing paint-filled balloons teach one that "every person is important"??? :confused1:

 

I hated this kind of stuff when I was a teen. I hate it even more now that I'm an adult. I'm just not "fun" and "relate-able," I guess. I don't understand why adults who work with teens seem to believe that they have to think and act like teens in order to relate to teens. Don't teenagers appreciate adult role models who are actually adults? I know I did.

 

Hugs, OP. Wish I had a good idea about the coat, but I don't. Maybe the local dry cleaner could help?

I have a teen who despises all the "fun and games" activities at youth group. Their new youth group leader has started an apologetics class, and my dd attended for the first time last night. She enjoyed it so much. No games, ridiculous activities to teach a specific lesson, no loud music making the walls vibrate. Just discussion while seated around a table. Dd said it was nice to be finally be treated as if she actually knew something and was serious - like an adult. As I've told her, she's appears to be in the minority, but he still had a fairly good sized group last night.

[Guest]

Ah, thought maybe you were in a slightly warmer area. It was 50 here yesterday. That sounds like a strange activity to do in weather that cold.

 

I'd think that is a spring/summer activity when kids would be wearing fewer clothing items.

Which is typical of this woman. She probably planned this as an indoor activity and then thought better of it at the last minute. She is not a detail person. I love her and I work with her a lot but she drives me nuts every time!

[PeachyDoodle]

I have a teen who despises all the "fun and games" activities at youth group. Their new youth group leader has started an apologetics class, and my dd attended for the first time last night. She enjoyed it so much. No games, ridiculous activities to teach a specific lesson, no loud music making the walls vibrate. Just discussion while seated around a table. Dd said it was nice to be finally be treated as if she actually knew something and was serious - like an adult. As I've told her, she's appears to be in the minority, but he still had a fairly good sized group last night.

 

I would have LOVED something like that as a teen! And my dd10 would love it now. Kudos to your youth leader for seeing that many teens are capable of much more than they're given credit for! And kudos to your dd for taking her faith seriously, too.

 

[Catwoman]

I would be angry, too. The woman may have meant well, but she probably has a lot of very annoyed parents on her hands right now. I'm sure your dd's jacket isn't the only thing that was ruined. I can picture paint-splattered coats, gloves, hats, Ugg boots... :glare:

 

I think it's kind of ridiculous for anyone to suggest that Moxie's dd shouldn't have been wearing a white jacket. Why shouldn't a teen have a white jacket? :confused: I would agree that she shouldn't have worn nice clothes if she had been informed about the paint, but she wasn't, so there was no reason for her to have been wearing old clothing.

[happi duck]

Ime, the youth group leaders were clueless and also never accepted help. So frustrating!

 

Regarding the coat, if you haven't already, check the stain chart for Carbona Stain Devils. There might be a formula for paint. If there isn't one listed, try Carbona's customer service.

[wintermom]

Which is typical of this woman. She probably planned this as an indoor activity and then thought better of it at the last minute. She is not a detail person. I love her and I work with her a lot but she drives me nuts every time!

 

Sometimes the creative ideas person needs a practical person to point out the little details that make things run smoothly. 

[itsheresomewhere]

Try using Buncha Farmers Natural Stain Remover on the jacket.   It removed some paint nicely from DD's sweater.  

[mom2att]

I have a teen who despises all the "fun and games" activities at youth group. Their new youth group leader has started an apologetics class, and my dd attended for the first time last night. She enjoyed it so much. No games, ridiculous activities to teach a specific lesson, no loud music making the walls vibrate. Just discussion while seated around a table. Dd said it was nice to be finally be treated as if she actually knew something and was serious - like an adult. As I've told her, she's appears to be in the minority, but he still had a fairly good sized group last night.

 

If only . . . my son would LOVE this! We started going to Bible Study Fellowship because ds had trouble with even the Bible studies at our church being less-than-serious. Never mind the Wednesday night "outreach" chaos!

[Liz CA]

Well, I suppose there are two ways about this. You can be upset with the youth group leader or you can tell your kids to be proactive and excuse themselves from such activities or take off clothing (if possible) they don't want ruined.

[forty-two]

Sometimes the creative ideas person needs a practical person to point out the little details that make things run smoothly. 

 

So very true.  Dh is a pastor and a big idea person (who's not so great on the details) and his youth co-leader is very practical - she thinks of all the little details that dh doesn't - they complement each other very well.

[Ellie]

Thus is just a vent unless someone has any ideas about this coat.

 

We have a youth leader at our church. She's so nice but she has these big ideas that never pan out. Last night, to teach the teen group that "every person is important" she had them throw paint filled balloons at a canvas. They were outside so 13dd had her white coat on. You can guess what happened. The youth leader assured me that "it is water-based paint so it should wash out". Well, water-based and washable are two separate things because I've washed it twice and it is still just as bright as it was.

 

Crap like this always happens with this woman. She is really nice and means well but she always plans these big activities for silly reasons.

 

I'm really annoyed about this coat getting ruined.

 

I totally despise activities like that.

 

I want mature adult leaders who actually teach spiritual things, no youthful "adult" leaders who think their meetings have to be fun and games.

[Lawana]

Well, I suppose there are two ways about this. You can be upset with the youth group leader or you can tell your kids to be proactive and excuse themselves from such activities or take off clothing (if possible) they don't want ruined.

For health's sake, it is good to let go of bad feelings about past situations and outcomes.

 

On the other hand, with this person in charge, these types of situations will likely happen again. The burden here, IMO, lies with the activity planners to give families reasonable notice for the kind of activities planned, rather than a parent to try to instruct a child for any possible situation that might possibly arise. A youth should not reasonably have to withhold participation due to a leader's lack of planning. That is awkward at best.

 

As others have suggested, a detail person needs to be assigned to work with this leader to head off future issues.

 

Edited for typo

Edited January 14, 2016 by Lawana

[PrairieSong]

Ugh, I would be upset, too. What the heck was throwing paint balloons at a canvas really supposed to show them? If you want to teach them that each person is important, do some charitable work for someone. Work in a soup kitchen or do yard work for an elderly person. I am tired of activities that are supposed to make things "relevant" but end up doing little if anything.

 

So sorry about the coat! I have no advice about removing the paint but I would definitely tell the youth leader.

[mamiof5]

Poor call on activity...and weather!! 22 degrees doesn't call for outside activities unless you are a penguin and feel like making a snowman. Sorry, not teasing you...I just shivered at the thought of it, I don't like cold weather.

Coat stain? I have had a very easy fix for a couple years now, just put regular laundry detergent on stain (dab it), let it sit for a while and handwash? Add more and repeat if needed? Not sure if it works with paint stains, but has worked with blood stains, ketchup and other hard ones to remove. Good luck!!!

ETA: I use liquid laundry detergent, not powder

Edited January 14, 2016 by mamiof5

[Ailaena]

 

Sorry that happened to your dd. A similar thing happened to my dd in 2nd grade, and I was SO annoyed. The teacher somehow forgot to put smocks on the kids during art and yeah. And dd was so shy she didn't want to rock the boat and mention it :/

 

Anyways, not two days ago, SIL told me she got paint out of her light carpet with a magic eraser! The stain is completely gone, and it was, maybe a 3" circle. Good luck!

[zoobie]

That's completely insane. Are all of the kids' coats ruined? If it's not washing out of white, it might not wash out of any of the other colors of coats. Or their pants. And shoes?!? Who has time on a weeknight to wash shoes and coats in time for them to dry for the next morning?

[Annie G]

That would annoy me.  I'd be just as annoyed about jeans, shoes, or shirts being splattered. The leader should have told the kids to wear old clothes and warned them about splattered paint. Yeah, at 13 kids are starting to be responsible for their things, but they need some help with that- in the form of telling them it might be a messy activity. 

 

I'd be annoyed about the activity even if things weren't stained...it sounds like one of those activities that I think have, at best, marginal value.  Was this really the best way for the leader to convey the point that every person matters? Ugh. 

[zoobie]

That would annoy me.  I'd be just as annoyed about jeans, shoes, or shirts being splattered. The leader should have told the kids to wear old clothes and warned them about splattered paint. Yeah, at 13 kids are starting to be responsible for their things, but they need some help with that- in the form of telling them it might be a messy activity. 

 

I'd be annoyed about the activity even if things weren't stained...it sounds like one of those activities that I think have, at best, marginal value.  Was this really the best way for the leader to convey the point that every person matters? Ugh. 

 

Every person matters except your mom who's going to have to wash all of this crap and possibly buy you new clothing.

[Annie G]

Every person matters except your mom who's going to have to wash all of this crap and possibly buy you new clothing.

 

Yeah, and she's also probably the one who got out in 22 degree weather to drive you to youth group, and hurried to get dinner served so you could eat before you left.     

 

If my kids every attended a youth group with mature leaders and decent activities I probably wouldn't be so snarky.  You'd think that with FOUR kids that one was bound to have a good experience. Nope. 

[HSmomof2]

I would be very unhappy about the coat, too. Maybe a dry cleaner can help. Especially, when this leader has a history of poor decisions.

 

Hearing people's stories makes me very thankful for our church's youth leader. She's fun and relatable and the kids love her. But, she can be serious and is a mom of teens herself, so has a lot more common sense than many of the very young leaders I hear about.

[OnTheBrink]

Our youth leader would plan things my dd hated, so she'd not go. Then he or his wife would question her about why she was "isolating" herself. So, she started going to events she hated, but would just stay on the sidelines and talk to her friends. Then she'd be chastised for not participating. It was a no-win situation. Now that she's out of high school, she's questioned about why she isn't a youth group sponsor. She  helps with junior church, she helps with music ministry, she has a part time job and goes to college full time. I don't know wth they want from her. 

 

I'm starting to really, really dislike youth groups.

[happi duck]

I would be very unhappy about the coat, too. Maybe a dry cleaner can help. Especially, when this leader has a history of poor decisions.

 

Hearing people's stories makes me very thankful for our church's youth leader. She's fun and relatable and the kids love her. But, she can be serious and is a mom of teens herself, so has a lot more common sense than many of the very young leaders I hear about.

Omg! They let an actual parent have something to do with youth group leadership?!? *faints*

 

Seriously, that's great! Any leaders I've known have been young, kidless and ime clueless! But they were so cooool and loved to be the ones the kids ran to instead of parents.

 

 

.

Edited January 15, 2016 by happi duck

[Laurie4b]

I would contact the youth leader and ask the brand name of the paint and then call the manufacturer and ask them if they have instructions for removal. That will be your best source for actually getting it out. It also lets her know without a direct confrontation that the paint is not coming out. 

 

My guess is that in this instance, she mistook "water based" for "it washes out in water" and probably meant well. 

 

If it doesn't come out, I'd be tempted to tell dd that is her youth group coat from now on. 

[HSmomof2]

Omg! They let an actual parent have something to do with youth group leadership?!? *faints*

 

Seriously, that's great! Any leaders I've known have been young, kidless and ime clueless! But they were so cooool and loved to be the ones the kids ran to instead of parents.

 

 

.

That's pretty much what I've heard from other people, too. Our youth leader is a very cool mom (much cooler than me😊). The youth group is a big group and they have a lot of fun, but it's also discipleship based. They meet in small groups for part of their youth group time, and all the small group leaders are parents as well.

 

Homeschool groups, however, we've not been so fortunate....but that's a whole other thread.ðŸ˜

[J-rap]

I just wanted to say, your story reminds me of when my daughter colored her hair with a "washable" blue hair dye.  So not washable!

[Seasider]

Sometimes the creative ideas person needs a practical person to point out the little details that make things run smoothly.

True! I am known for saying that everyone needs a Simon Cowell in their lives at one time or another.

[ktgrok]

Omg! They let an actual parent have something to do with youth group leadership?!? *faints*

 

Seriously, that's great! Any leaders I've known have been young, kidless and ime clueless! But they were so cooool and loved to be the ones the kids ran to instead of parents.

 

 

.

 

I'm very glad our parish here considers youth group part of Faith Formation, so it's under the direction of a mature adult. They have college age kids that help out, but the priests and a grown adult with children of her own run it and are there to supervise. 

[Pam in CT]

Re: coat -- I have an artiste daughter who has, uh, gotten a lot of "water-based" paint onto a lot of clothes over the years.  When all normal efforts fail, my last-ditch effort before ditching the item is to try the industrial rug cleaner solution that you get when you rent the carpet cleaner.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  Good luck.

[Annie G]

I just wanted to say, your story reminds me of when my daughter colored her hair with a "washable" blue hair dye.  So not washable!

 

Ugh- we had that experience one Halloween. Dd was like 13 and that dye lasted for MONTHS...but of course it didn't remain a pretty blue....it morphed into a grayish greenish awful color that took forever to go away. 

 

I believe that's the last time she bought hair dye at Hot Topic! (Although it did coordinate with the fact that her hair was a Hot Topic in our house for quite a while. Christmas pics from that year are memorable)

[J-rap]

Ugh- we had that experience one Halloween. Dd was like 13 and that dye lasted for MONTHS...but of course it didn't remain a pretty blue....it morphed into a grayish greenish awful color that took forever to go away. 

 

I believe that's the last time she bought hair dye at Hot Topic! (Although it did coordinate with the fact that her hair was a Hot Topic in our house for quite a while. Christmas pics from that year are memorable)

 

That was our experience too!  It just turned into this awful ugly shade.  The really bad part is that we needed to take passport photos for an upcoming trip.  We finally had to pay money to have her hair professionally bleached and then re-colored to match her natural hair color.  That was an expensive lesson!

[Guest]

I'm very glad our parish here considers youth group part of Faith Formation, so it's under the direction of a mature adult. They have college age kids that help out, but the priests and a grown adult with children of her own run it and are there to supervise.

This woman is in her 50's with a grown son. I'm sure she just wants to make the group fun so the kids keep coming.

[8circles]

How irritating. Sorry about the coat.

[HRAAB]

All our past youth group leaders have been adults (they have to be adults) plus the core members have to be over 18.  All but one leader has been married with children.  Didn't make any difference.  Every week was a party.  Ridiculous games and nonsense.  Maybe it wouldn't have seemed so ridiculous if it wasn't every single week.  It was usually mayhem in the hall where they meet.  It didn't seem to make any difference whether the group leader was older, married with children or not.  I think they believe that's what they have to do to get young people to come.

 

Their new group leader is a man, about 50, married with a family.  While they still have games, parties, and a lot of noise, it's not every week.  Plus, he seems to have better control over these kids (high school group).  When he calls for quiet, they get quiet.  He is about 6'5" with a big voice, so that probably helps.  He is introducing more serious studies - such as the apologetics class.  Games, parties, fun is all well and good when balanced out with more serious study.  I'm impressed so far, and that is the first time I've said that in over 10 years.

[redsquirrel]

I would say something to her. I get that you love her, and I get that she drives you NUTS.  I really do.

 

I would take her aside and tell her that the next time she is planning to use paints etc you would appreciate a heads up, as a parent, to have the kids wear old clothing or something that can be stained with no regrets.  I would flat out tell her that the paints absolutely stained your daughters coat and now it is tie dyed.  She will protest and claim that it was 'waterbased paint' and you can sort of sigh and shrug your shoulders and chalk it up to these new fangled synthetics, and be that as it may, you are having to get her a new coat. You don't have to ask her to replace the coat etc b/c that is waaaay more trouble than it is worth.  And you love her. And she drives you nuts.  

 

I am sorry.

[Samm]

I would have to chalk up the coat to total loss.  It has to be trashed or donated by what you say.  No use putting more any more emotions or time into it.  If you're saying this activity is typical of her, then I'd steer clear from any sort of "adventure" type things this person leads where a kid could have a really bad outcome due to impractical adult preparation.  Things like retreats, hikes, or even field trips.  It's too bad that the cost being a supposed free spirit seems to be as the expense of logic.  Energy in a youth leader is good, but I still don't get the connection between paint balloon-lobbing and 'every person counts' either.

[Rebel Yell]

Back in Nov DD13 wore her favorite sneakers (just regular Chucks) to a youth group event that we new would include outdoor sportsing. One of the youth leaders (mid/late 20s, married, papa-to-be) got his football cleats tangled up in her shoelaces and tore her shoe. He felt horrible, and offered to replace the shoes. (aprox $50, if new- the shoes were less than a year old)

 

I refused to let him pay for them- I told him we take our chances at events where we know there will be sportsing. Plus I was glad it was her shoe that took the force of the impact, not her ankle. The football game was THE point of the event- not just some people tossing a ball around while waiting for late-comers or rides or whatever.

 

If her shoes or a major item of clothing had gotten ruined at a normal youth group meeting (and paint, outdoor sports, etc) are not a typical part of the regular plan I would have been upset and had a harder time refusing replacement.

[Guest]

The leader did talk to me and offer to replace the coat if I can't clean it but I'm not going to let her do that.

I let the coat soak in bleach water overnight and it is still just as painted. We might try to dye the coat just for fun.

[Guest]

She probably should have advised kids about not getting spattered or warned about dress before the meeting. I'd also expect a 13 yo to be aware as well. I guess for future events send child with change of grubby clothes to use if necessary.

 

A white coat would be a disaster for anyone, including me, in my house.

 

Oxi clean?

 

This. The youth leader at our current church and the one we attended in FL both communicate with the students AND parents. They always let the parent know when the kids will be doing something messy so they can dress accordingly. Letting the parents know works because not all the kids are good at listening and remembering. :)