I need parenting advice

[lgliser]

I have probably posted about Sophie before but I think I need to vent and hopefully get some advice.

 

She's 9 and she has always been my quirky kid.  She can be the most delightful and the most frustrating child all in one day.  There are so many great things about her but she's one of those strong willed children who you don't want to break but you do want to harness their will so they can use it for good!

 

She has been diagnosed with ADHD so she gets distracted easily I guess.  The kids have "chores" (most are really just responsibilities like brushing their teeth, but some are actual chores) that they need to do every day.  She forgets something every day.  She has a checklist to help her remember but even still, something is always "forgotten."  And what IS done isn't done thoroughly.  From brushing her teeth the right way, to putting her laundry away in the right place, to her school work.  She is just one of those people who does the bare minimum. 

 

I think it's frustrating to me because I am with her all day every day so I get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I also feel like it's a reflection on how I have raised her and how I teach her. 

 

Things have been going on so long with her and it's just exhausting trying to figure her out and trying to remain calm and find a balance between disciplining her/teaching her and picking my battles.  Obviously DH is someone who parents her too and he certainly sees how she is, but he isn't with her like I am.  Sam with my mom and dad.  They see the kids a ton and they see it, but it's not the same and being with her all the time and having to deal with the tantrums, the overreactions to tiny things, the half-assing everything.  My point being that I just feel kind of alone. 

 

And poor Sophie has to deal with me.  I can't decide how to approach parenting her so one day I am really strict and simply don't allow her to do things the wrong way.  If she does them wrong, she does them again until they're right.  Then the next day I decide that I need to show more grace so I'm more lenient.  I know she's been feeling hopeless lately, like she can't do anything right.  :(

 

I'm having a hard time being the grown up - the mature one who can control their emotions.

 

So, I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm hoping to get but it does help me sometimes to just talk things out.  So thanks for letting me do that and hopefully I don't sound horrible.

Edited January 12, 2016 by lgliser

[theelfqueen]

My 14 year old son has a magical and personal ability to make me LOSE MY MIND.

I have zero advice and LOADS of sympathy!

 

[lgliser]

 

My 14 year old son has a magical and personal ability to make me LOSE MY MIND.

I have zero advice and LOADS of sympathy!

LOL I'll take it :)

[Arcadia]

Do you redirect her back to her checklist to show her that she still have task left?

 

My DS10 is able to repeat a three sentence instruction after hubby or I said it. However after doing the first task, he has forgotten what else we said. For example, I said awhile ago to him to brush his teeth and then play until bedtime. He forgot what to do after brushing his teeth.

 

Routine and checklist are very helpful for my this kid.

[lgliser]

 

Do you redirect her back to her checklist to show her that she still have task left?

I do.  And I get annoyed that I have to!  She could probably repeat a 3 sentence list of instructions too, but I can understand (especially with her ADHD) if she were to forget something or get sidetracked.  That's why I made the checklist.  I think she turns on autopilot and sometimes checks things off even when she hasn't done them, and then sometimes like I mentioned, doing them halfway. 

Of course, there are sometimes things I need her to do that aren't on a checklist and I know sometimes I do expect her to remember quite a few things.  And part of the problem is that all of her issues pile up and make me so frustrated!

[scoutingmom]

As you mentioned tantrums......

 

I'm reading "The Explosive Child", to try to figure out how to handle my 10yo dd..... and also seeing my now -adult step-daughter in it.....

 

Not sure how well it will work..... but a key point in it is that children will do well if they can.... negative behaviours indicate they are lacking in a skill...... (ie, difficulty staying focused on a task....)

 

Sympathy anyway

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

[maize]

ADHD mom of ADHD kids here.

 

I will say from my experience growing up that it is really hard on a kid to always be in trouble because your brain is wired the way it is wired. I thought for years and years and years that all my failures were because of lack of willpower. I was wrong. My failures were because I was an ADHD kid living with expectations designed for non-ADHD kids.

 

It might help to think in terms of scaffolding. The executive function part of her brain is underdeveloped--the part that handles impulse control and directed focus and acts as the scheduling and time keeping and reminder section of the brain. It's not that she is choosing not to use these functions, she may be using all she's got. But that's not good enough to meet non ADHD expectations. for now, you can do a couple of things: cut back and simplify your expectations, and assume that you are going to need to take the place of her mental secretary for now--you're in charge of executive functions. Then you slowly and carefully guide her in building up functional skills of her own, using whatever adaptations and accommodations work for her. I've done things like talking pill reminder alarms that go off six different times a day with different reminders. Above all, I try to let my kids know that I am on their side, working to help their growth and development. I'm here to support them, not to judge them; no kid wants to fail to live up to their parents' expectations, but ADHD kids often live with the reality of such failure day after day and year after year.

[Tsuga]

I'm not a good parent, so I don't have parenting advice.

 

I was also not a good kid--smart, enthusiastic, creative, loving, hopeful, but not good--so I guess there is hope.

 

I do want to say that you are not alone in feeling like you ought to be able to make this kid a square peg. I think we all feel that at times. "Why can't she just be SQUARE for once, this is IMPORTANT!"

 

I know I feel that about myself and my daughters.

 

And then I remember that I really hate all that talk about how important it is to be square and how I wish someone would tell all those squares how boring and uncreative and rigid they are and maybe they should spend a few days feeling bad about not being ROUND for awhile! Because seriously, who is to say that on-time remembering-everything is more important than truly living the flow or writing music? Nobody, that's who.

 

 

 

I thought for years and years and years that all my failures were because of lack of willpower. I was wrong. My failures were because I was an ADHD kid living with expectations designed for non-ADHD kids.

 

I agree.

 

I don't accept the ADHD label for myself (I got it accidentally while pursuing counseling for stress and organization) because I don't accept that someone who makes what I make, with my education and accomplishments, really has a "disorder". I think I have a great attention span when something is important to me.

 

That said, I think we can ALL improve quite a bit in most areas of our lives. Just because modern life is not friendly to creative / investigative types does not mean we do not have the responsibility to be our best selves.

 

But I'm trying to think about myself and my daughter more and more positively. Actually both my kids. One is passionate, moody, and defiant and the other one is just all over the place. Of course my ex-husband and I wouldn't have "normal" kids. All kids are awesome but ours are unusual and awesome.

 

Still, it's very frustrating to "fail" at the everyday.

 

I try to remind myself that not EVERY kid is writing poetry and songs every day, so what if they remember to change their socks? What is more important, music or socks?

 

I guess to some people it really is socks, which is kind of sad to me, but that's my opinion, not a universal truth. 

 

Is that in any way helpful? It always helps me to know that I'm not alone. Big hugs to you and Sophie. :)

[maize]

This website may be worth looking through:

 

https://www.understood.org/en

[Kiara.I]

Also, have a quick look at this one:

http://thechildwhisperer.com/getting-started/

I found that figuring out my child's type, and my own, was very helpful.  Sometimes they value things I don't.  Sometimes I value things they don't.  Sometimes if I can find a way to phrase something that meets something they value, the co-operation goes waaaaaaay up.

[myfunnybunch]

Hugs. I have a lot of "I get it" to offer.

 

I also have one piece of advice to add to to excellent advice you gotten above about scaffolding and appreciating her for who she is: Consistent expectations are crucial. If something is okay one day, and not okay the next, or vice versa, it makes it even more difficult for her to predict and order her world. For me, when I changed my expectations from "Did xyz get done? Was this task done properly?" to "Did he try his best? Was he successful in some areas?" it forced me to change my own thinking and encouraged me to be a guide and a mentor, which allowed me consistent yet flexible responses.

 

"Wow, you got five things done from your list. What did you miss? Let's move your washcloth next to your toothbrush so that you remember to do both tonight" (or "How can we set things up to make it easier to remember?") sure feels a lot better to say and to hear than "You forgot to put away your laundry again? It's on the list, why didn't it get done?" (And, FWIW, all of my nine year olds needed reminding to consistently follow their morning checklists. :) )

 

And don't be too hard on yourself, either, as you search for what works. Use the days you feel like you weren't on your game as learning opportunities, just like you want her to do. It's not easy. But she will learn and grow up and make mistakes and learn from them and figure out strategies that work for her, and I promise you won't be following her around reminding her to brush her teeth and pick up her socks when she's 25.

[kroe1]

I have no idea what the right way is when it comes to parenting. But, trying to make a kiddo do certain things a certain way when he is not wired that way is impossible sometimes and difficult at best.

 

I have to think of it like any other physical or deveIopemental feature of my child. If DD wanted to be a professional football player, it might be a bad choice. She is not physically capable of doing that job. Getting a whole list of chores done perfectly might not work either with her ADD. However, I can give her simple tasks, broken down into 3 minute parts at various times in the day, and I get things done.

[HomeAgain]

There was a chore checklist I saw on Educents a while back that had steps for each chore in a cute, picture map of the different rooms.  We did something similar here years ago with cards and strips.  The child had the strips to do each day with the chore name on it, and a corresponding index card in the same color that listed what I was looking for.  All I had to do was pull them out of the "Done" bin, check them, and if not up to standard put them back in the "To Do" bin while telling the child "You didn't complete the job.  Try again. The cards are on the bookcase if you need them."

 

It took the variable personal standard out of the equation.  *I* couldn't say it was done okay one day and give it a pass while holding him to the written standard the next.  He could measure his own work against a household standard and if he thought it passed, could argue for it.  But it let me become less emotionally involved and focus on teaching him/training him.

[Ottakee]

Lots of great advice already here.

 

You didn't mention meds (or your feelings on them) but I will say that they make a huge difference here....with chore completion AND more positive interactions with parents and siblings.

[Carrie12345]

:grouphug:

I feel like my house is covered in neglected, laminated checklists.

[The Girls' Mom]

I still have to remind my 19 year old to brush her teeth and put up her laundry.  However, she's managing full time college and a part-time job so I have hope.   She can handle the things that are important to her.

 

Like someone upthread mentioned, if it isn't important to THEM it doesn't get priority.  My ADD kid (young adult) is the sweetest person I know, but she really is scatter brained.  I've learned to let up on some things.  She will move out someday and chores that involve keeping HER house running will become important to her.  Or not...it'll be her house, so whatever.  So for the short time she's still here, I will keep reminding.  

I'll also remember the piles of unfolded laundry and the unmade bed that *I* have because those things aren't important to me, and I'm scattered too! lol.  

[Haiku]

My kids are the same way, and they don't have ADHD. Some of the wisest advice I received was "kids do what you inspect, not what you expect." I tie their privileges to their chores, and I check everything.

[bettyandbob]

My advice is to take of yourself and know how to burn your own stress. Yoga, running, hobby whatever. Do that daily. That way when you are dealing with this child you will not regularly boil over in frustration.

 

Patience, constant reminders, checklists. It may take years for her to internalize these strategies. In order to remain a good mother and wife you will need to employ strategies on yourself to maintain your balance and patience and not let this frustrate you. I say as the parent who frequently found an 8 year old naked while reading a book because he saw a book on the floor when he was supposed to be getting dressed--it didn't matter that he had no clothes on he was completely sidetracked from the task at hand.

[Faithr]

I think because I am ADD and several of my kids are, I honestly don't understand why reminding her to finish a task is an issue.  She's not done baking yet! You have to teach to the particular child.  With her condition, it is going to take reminding her 1000+ times.  That's just the way it is!  So as mama, my job is to remind 1000+ times.  It isn't a character issue or anything, it is just brain wiring.  Plus I am willing to bet most 9 yo's are not completely consistent on remembering to do chores. . . . So honestly I think if you shift your mindset (my 9 yo should always do her chores perfectly) to one that is more realistic (9 yo's often need to be reminded and my 9 yo has a condition that means she absolutely needs for me to help her in remembering things) it becomes a non-issue.  She is simply a person who will need to be walked through routine day after day before she gets it.  It's like kids with dyslexia, you can teach them phonics from age 5 to age 12 and then it suddenly clicks. But it isn't their fault!    It might just take that long.  Patience!  Special ed kids are great cultivators of patience in their parents!  

[Tanaqui]

Your daughter's nine. I think even without the ADHD, it's normal for nine year olds to "do the bare minimum" and to "need to be reminded to check the chore list" and so on.

[BlsdMama]

I have probably posted about Sophie before but I think I need to vent and hopefully get some advice.

 

She's 9 and she has always been my quirky kid.  She can be the most delightful and the most frustrating child all in one day.  There are so many great things about her but she's one of those strong willed children who you don't want to break but you do want to harness their will so they can use it for good!

 

She has been diagnosed with ADHD so she gets distracted easily I guess.  The kids have "chores" (most are really just responsibilities like brushing their teeth, but some are actual chores) that they need to do every day.  She forgets something every day.  She has a checklist to help her remember but even still, something is always "forgotten."  And what IS done isn't done thoroughly.  From brushing her teeth the right way, to putting her laundry away in the right place, to her school work.  She is just one of those people who does the bare minimum. 

 

I think it's frustrating to me because I am with her all day every day so I get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I also feel like it's a reflection on how I have raised her and how I teach her. 

 

Things have been going on so long with her and it's just exhausting trying to figure her out and trying to remain calm and find a balance between disciplining her/teaching her and picking my battles.  Obviously DH is someone who parents her too and he certainly sees how she is, but he isn't with her like I am.  Sam with my mom and dad.  They see the kids a ton and they see it, but it's not the same and being with her all the time and having to deal with the tantrums, the overreactions to tiny things, the half-assing everything.  My point being that I just feel kind of alone. 

 

And poor Sophie has to deal with me.  I can't decide how to approach parenting her so one day I am really strict and simply don't allow her to do things the wrong way.  If she does them wrong, she does them again until they're right.  Then the next day I decide that I need to show more grace so I'm more lenient.  I know she's been feeling hopeless lately, like she can't do anything right.  :(

 

I'm having a hard time being the grown up - the mature one who can control their emotions.

 

So, I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm hoping to get but it does help me sometimes to just talk things out.  So thanks for letting me do that and hopefully I don't sound horrible.

 

 

You vacillate between being really strict and extending grace because you are not sure of what her true capabilities are and you second guess yourself a lot.... 

 

First, you think her shortcomings are a reflection of your parenting.  Nope.  That's not it.  If Sophie has ADD/ADHD then Sophie has a BRAIN issue and IT (not you) is what is reflected in her inability to focus and get things done.

 

I think maybe the hardest thing about parenting is doing all the right stuff and then NOT seeing the results.  It's a lot like farmers... They plant the seed, but then, given weather conditions, you have to wait to see those seeds pop up, and even then it's a long way 'til the harvest.  It's even harder for you.  At least they know they should see germination in 23 days or whatever their number is.  You have to sow seed and you have no idea when you'll see baby leaves.

 

So here's my best advice.  Parent Sophie's HEART not Sophie's ACTIONS.  You'll see good fruit by parenting this way - I can't tell you when, but you WILL see it.

 

And when you parent the heart, rather than the actions, that's when you'll know whether to be strict or extend a lot of grace.

 

Real world example:

Sophie, list in hand and well versed on what she OUGHT to do, left her dirty clothes on her floor.  What happens when you tell her? Excuses.  Stop that the moment they come out of her mouth.  "No, Sophie, I don't want to hear the excuse.  I want you to walk over to your list, look at it, pick up your clothes and take them to the laundry room, then come back and cross it off.  Thank you."  This is isn't said in a sassy or rude voice, just very matter of fact.  And the thank you when she's done?  Cheerful and sincere.  

 

Why?  Because Sophie is going to take longer.  I used to get frustrated with Christian's handwriting - he's now 16.  It was only a couple of years ago when someone testing him for dyslexic told me, "And you've surely noticed he's severely dysgraphic?" Ahem. Cough.  No?  Ohmigosh.  Flashbacks of too harsh voice tone and sassy remarks when he was younger.  We used to tease him that he was pencil allergic. (Fun, not mean.)  

 

Many, many kids ago, I'd have told you that YOU are simply not being consistent enough.  Fortunately for you, in 2009, I gave birth to one of the most beautiful little girls EVER, and is seriously ADHD.  I have "busy" kids and La is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond that.  I had to learn to parent her by her heart and attitude, not by her actions.  Because her actions? Her helpfulness causes inevitable spills, breaks, and pain.  But her heart is the sweetest thing I've ever seen and if I didn't figure out a way to lower my frustration and love who she really IS then I was going to squish her little self and just frustrate me further.

 

So can I just say you are probably doing a SPECTACULAR job parenting her? By making lists and teaching her skills (over and over and over again) that you are doing all the RIGHT things and you are really EQUIPPING this child for future success.  Kids with serious ADD/ADHD will face a huge amount of struggles in this life - they are more at risk for low paying jobs, divorce, drug use....  My goal in life is to nurture a strong, beautiful, confident girl, who is aware of her shortcomings, and knows what tools she needs to utilize for success.

 

And, to sympathize with you, no one will ever know how hard we work.  They will see a crazy impulsive little girl compared to my sedate, well behaved Abigail.  But you know what? I put 4 TIMES the amount of parenting into La than Abbie.  It's just there, under the surface where no one can recognize it.

 

And that's especially hard for less experienced moms who aren't confident about how they parent.  If you look around for verification that you're parenting correctly you aren't going to get it and that is VERY unfortunate for you. :( It's hard on you.  (((((Hugs)))))  But you will be more confident if you parent for her heart attitude.  Because you'll see fruit there.  And eventually you will see fruit in other areas.  I would STRONGLY encourage you to keep a journal of struggles and joys, because the change is so subtle you won't see that something you struggled with last year is no longer a struggle.  It will be a HUGE encouragement to you to be able to come back a  year later and read your journal and realize she really is growing, succeeding, and moving forward.

 

ETA: And parenting multiples takes a special skill set of organization so I totally get your lists and and plans.  It's a well honed survival tool at this point. Honestly?  Your kids, especially Sophie, will thrive because of it, as long as you can use those as tools rather than as the iron fence.  I do not have multiples but I do have kiddos born in the same year and it's a little bit similar without that rough first year.  We have to be incredibly organized to get places, to keep the house liveable, to get laundry done without funky  smells, to make it to outside commitments, to get school done.  I actually think you are equipping her with skills by being organized and a list maker.  *However, and this is big, it really counts on your ability to see past the tools and parent her heart.  I *really* struggled with this because color coded schedules in thirty minute blocks are a thing of beauty to me.  And my attitude depended on the degree of success I  was having.  I finally had to accept the fact that as long as there were time increments I was not going to be able to see past that.  You may find you can't see past measuring your success based on the completion degree of the list.  If that is what you find, you'll have to ditch them and just go with a routine where : "It's time to gather laundry - we ALL get our laundry.  It's time to pick up our rooms, so we all go and pick up our rooms," rather than handing out a list, kwim? This is going to depend on your personality and how you use tools - whether it is as tools, or some kind of measurement of how you are doing as a parent, because if it's the latter, that's too much pressure on you mama. ;)

Edited January 12, 2016 by BlsdMama

[Jan in SC]

1.She's nine. Every nine year year old needs reminders. Your child just needs different reminders than others. That is okay.

2. You must treat the ADHD. If you don't want to do meds, fine, but find a treatment and actively use it.

3. Obedient children are not the most emotional healthy children. Yes- I will get flamed, but I don't care. If a child has no ability to make choice, it will be a difficult skill to learn later.

4. My guess- just a guess- is that your child needs a very creative outlet. If you can find a place for her to succeed, your home life will probably become easier.

5.Celebrate small successes even if you feel like you're handing out a trophy for just walking on the field. It's important to feel good at something. Build up her confidence with small things.

6.You are a good parent! You realize your frustrations and that is so important!

Bonus- anyone who says her nine year old doesn't need some reminders is lying.

[Jan in SC]

You vacillate between being really strict and extending grace because you are not sure of what her true capabilities are and you second guess yourself a lot....

 

First, you think her shortcomings are a reflection of your parenting. Nope. That's not it. If Sophie has ADD/ADHD then Sophie has a BRAIN issue and IT (not you) is what is reflected in her inability to focus and get things done.

 

I think maybe the hardest thing about parenting is doing all the right stuff and then NOT seeing the results. It's a lot like farmers... They plant the seed, but then, given weather conditions, you have to wait to see those seeds pop up, and even then it's a long way 'til the harvest. It's even harder for you. At least they know they should see germination in 23 days or whatever their number is. You have to sow seed and you have no idea when you'll see baby leaves.

 

So here's my best advice. Parent Sophie's HEART not Sophie's ACTIONS. You'll see good fruit by parenting this way - I can't tell you when, but you WILL see it.

 

And when you parent the heart, rather than the actions, that's when you'll know whether to be strict or extend a lot of grace.

 

Real world example:

Sophie, list in hand and well versed on what she OUGHT to do, left her dirty clothes on her floor. What happens when you tell her? Excuses. Stop that the moment they come out of her mouth. "No, Sophie, I don't want to hear the excuse. I want you to walk over to your list, look at it, pick up your clothes and take them to the laundry room, then come back and cross it off. Thank you." This is isn't said in a sassy or rude voice, just very matter of fact. And the thank you when she's done? Cheerful and sincere.

 

Why? Because Sophie is going to take longer. I used to get frustrated with Christian's handwriting - he's now 16. It was only a couple of years ago when someone testing him for dyslexic told me, "And you've surely noticed he's severely dysgraphic?" Ahem. Cough. No? Ohmigosh. Flashbacks of too harsh voice tone and sassy remarks when he was younger. We used to tease him that he was pencil allergic. (Fun, not mean.)

 

Many, many kids ago, I'd have told you that YOU are simply not being consistent enough. Fortunately for you, in 2009, I gave birth to one of the most beautiful little girls EVER, and is seriously ADHD. I have "busy" kids and La is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond that. I had to learn to parent her by her heart and attitude, not by her actions. Because her actions? Her helpfulness causes inevitable spills, breaks, and pain. But her heart is the sweetest thing I've ever seen and if I didn't figure out a way to lower my frustration and love who she really IS then I was going to squish her little self and just frustrate me further.

 

So can I just say you are probably doing a SPECTACULAR job parenting her? By making lists and teaching her skills (over and over and over again) that you are doing all the RIGHT things and you are really EQUIPPING this child for future success. Kids with serious ADD/ADHD will face a huge amount of struggles in this life - they are more at risk for low paying jobs, divorce, drug use.... My goal in life is to nurture a strong, beautiful, confident girl, who is aware of her shortcomings, and knows what tools she needs to utilize for success.

 

And, to sympathize with you, no one will ever know how hard we work. They will see a crazy impulsive little girl compared to my sedate, well behaved Abigail. But you know what? I put 4 TIMES the amount of parenting into La than Abbie. It's just there, under the surface where no one can recognize it.

 

And that's especially hard for less experienced moms who aren't confident about how they parent. If you look around for verification that you're parenting correctly you aren't going to get it and that is VERY unfortunate for you. :( It's hard on you. (((((Hugs))))) But you will be more confident if you parent for her heart attitude. Because you'll see fruit there. And eventually you will see fruit in other areas. I would STRONGLY encourage you to keep a journal of struggles and joys, because the change is so subtle you won't see that something you struggled with last year is no longer a struggle. It will be a HUGE encouragement to you to be able to come back a year later and read your journal and realize she really is growing, succeeding, and moving forward.

This.is.fabulous!

[fairfarmhand]

Thing One:

 

It's not your fault. It's not a reflection of you. Lay that down right now. You're taking her issues personally, so you can't look at your kid objectively. That's one reason why you're having a hard time maintaining your emotional equilibrium. It's a personal attack on your "mothering" that your kid's a hot mess. Don't do that. It's not about you. I promise if you can internalize that "Some kids are just a mess and need extra in certain areas" it will change your dynamic. I know this because I was there about 5 years ago. My  kid could have Jesus himself as a parent and she'd still be a wreck.

 

Thing Two.

Read The Explosive Child. This has been the most helpful book for my daughter and me. It is very, very step by step with real world examples. Get it today.

Edited January 12, 2016 by fairfarmhand

[fairfarmhand]

I do.  And I get annoyed that I have to!  She could probably repeat a 3 sentence list of instructions too, but I can understand (especially with her ADHD) if she were to forget something or get sidetracked.  That's why I made the checklist.  I think she turns on autopilot and sometimes checks things off even when she hasn't done them, and then sometimes like I mentioned, doing them halfway. 

Of course, there are sometimes things I need her to do that aren't on a checklist and I know sometimes I do expect her to remember quite a few things.  And part of the problem is that all of her issues pile up and make me so frustrated!

 

I found that I needed to reboot the way I handled forgetfulness and typical kid stuff "Whoops, Sophie, you checked off the laundry but you really didn't do it. Please go back and do it correctly." Cheerful. Smiling. Don'y get stuck in the negative dynamic where you're always griping and frustrated. Think "This is normal for a 9 yo Sophie." Don't expect her to be like every other 9 yo. She's lagging in some places and that's ok.

[VaKim]

Sounds pretty normal to me. Honestly. I remember when I was a kid, I literally just did not care enough to do all the things my mom thought I should do. My kids have been the same. All the kids I know are pretty much the same. Some of them are more compliant than others (mine are), but the not really caring is still there. I have just found that until they care, things will pretty much be the same. Mine are 21 and 17, and I still have to play drill sergeant on occasion. My oldest is better because she finally cares about making me happy, though she still doesn't really care about some of the things themselves (like keeping her room neat). 

 

When I grew up and had my own house and life, things mattered to me.

[katilac]

Your daughter's nine. I think even without the ADHD, it's normal for nine year olds to "do the bare minimum" and to "need to be reminded to check the chore list" and so on.

 

Very normal for kids across the board. 

 

When I was a growing up, my mom tried to establish a very reasonable routine: if there was a basket of clothes in the living room, I was meant to fold them. 

 

She got frustrated because I would just walk past them until reminded, so she decided to put them in my doorway instead, thinking that I surely couldn't ignore them . . . and I proceeded to step over the basket again and again, for two days, with no intent of being stubborn or obnoxious.

 

No ADD, I was just oblivious. 

 

My mom decided that she might as well just say "please fold those clothes" and be done with it. And now she gets to enjoy watching my kids walk past the laundry basket . . . 

[myfunnybunch]

 I say as the parent who frequently found an 8 year old naked while reading a book because he saw a book on the floor when he was supposed to be getting dressed--it didn't matter that he had no clothes on he was completely sidetracked from the task at hand.

 

:lol:  :lol: :lol:  

 

Yes.

 

I would regularly find ds sitting on his bed with his pants half pulled up, to his knees, reading a book.

 

:huh: Who forgets to *finish* pulling up their pants???? (My ds, that's who!)  So funny!

[Ellie]

I do.  And I get annoyed that I have to!  She could probably repeat a 3 sentence list of instructions too, but I can understand (especially with her ADHD) if she were to forget something or get sidetracked.  That's why I made the checklist.  I think she turns on autopilot and sometimes checks things off even when she hasn't done them, and then sometimes like I mentioned, doing them halfway. 

 

Of course, there are sometimes things I need her to do that aren't on a checklist and I know sometimes I do expect her to remember quite a few things.  And part of the problem is that all of her issues pile up and make me so frustrated!

 

I know it's easy for me to say, but don't get annoyed with her. Reminding her to check her check-list is part of your teaching her how to check a check-list. :-) And she's still just a little kid. Miss Manners reminds us that it takes 18 years of constant nagging to rear a well-mannered adult. :-)

 

There always needs to be someone in the family who remembers to check the check-lists, and it might as well be you. :-)

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I have probably posted about Sophie before but I think I need to vent and hopefully get some advice.

 

She's 9 and she has always been my quirky kid.  She can be the most delightful and the most frustrating child all in one day.  There are so many great things about her but she's one of those strong willed children who you don't want to break but you do want to harness their will so they can use it for good!

 

She has been diagnosed with ADHD so she gets distracted easily I guess.  The kids have "chores" (most are really just responsibilities like brushing their teeth, but some are actual chores) that they need to do every day.  She forgets something every day.  She has a checklist to help her remember but even still, something is always "forgotten."  And what IS done isn't done thoroughly.  From brushing her teeth the right way, to putting her laundry away in the right place, to her school work.  She is just one of those people who does the bare minimum. 

 

I think it's frustrating to me because I am with her all day every day so I get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I also feel like it's a reflection on how I have raised her and how I teach her. 

 

Things have been going on so long with her and it's just exhausting trying to figure her out and trying to remain calm and find a balance between disciplining her/teaching her and picking my battles.  Obviously DH is someone who parents her too and he certainly sees how she is, but he isn't with her like I am.  Sam with my mom and dad.  They see the kids a ton and they see it, but it's not the same and being with her all the time and having to deal with the tantrums, the overreactions to tiny things, the half-assing everything.  My point being that I just feel kind of alone. 

 

And poor Sophie has to deal with me.  I can't decide how to approach parenting her so one day I am really strict and simply don't allow her to do things the wrong way.  If she does them wrong, she does them again until they're right.  Then the next day I decide that I need to show more grace so I'm more lenient.  I know she's been feeling hopeless lately, like she can't do anything right.  :(

 

I'm having a hard time being the grown up - the mature one who can control their emotions.

 

So, I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm hoping to get but it does help me sometimes to just talk things out.  So thanks for letting me do that and hopefully I don't sound horrible.

 

First and foremost, her behavior at 9 is NOT a reflection of how you have raised her and how you have taught her.  It is a reflection of HER personal strengths and weaknesses and challenges.  Sometimes we need to stop saying "You should be able to do this!  Why can't you do this?!" and step back and accept that this is they way she is.  (or at least this is how she is NOW.) 

 

You say that she has a diagnosis of ADHD.  There is the problem.  She has a condition that makes these types of executive function tasks difficult to complete on her own (and checking the checklist is part of EF.)  You can pull your hair out, making yourself crazy that she isn't responding to discipline.  Or  ... you can change your expectations about how independent she can be about getting these things done.  This isn't a disobedience issue, per se.  This is a deficiency in executive function and she needs your help.  If your child had dyslexia, would you be pulling your hair out over the child struggling to learn to read?  She is struggling to manage and needs scaffolding for a bit longer.  And ... she is only 9. 

 

Please don't take this that I am criticizing your frustration.  I've been in similar shoes and know how frustrating it is.  I do get it.   I'm just hoping I can help you re-frame the problem  in a different light to help you cope.  (BTW, If you search the boards, there is a recent thread about adults here who have their own issues with executive function. A little bit vent-y and a little bit of self-deprecating humor.) 

[iamonlyone]

I agree with Dirty Ethel's post above. I learned about executive processing skills late in the game. (My son was midteens.) Suddenly everything made so much more sense! Lists can help people with EP issues, but they do not work well for my son. He can't work with linear, sequential things and make sense out of them. I helped where I could with organizational go-tos, but mostly I needed to change my expectations (which helped my inner exasperation).

 

At 18, my son still has weak executive processing skills—pretty much across the board. But he has finished a graphic design course at a technical college with great grades and is living a state away working in the Colorado Rockies and doing fantastic. Traditional schoolwork may never be his forte, but he is amazing with people and wildly creative artistically. Parenting him was harder than parenting our other children. Also, he struggled mightily with his self-image, but riding the crest of the chaos and making sure he knew/knows I love him and think he is awesome made so much difference.

 

Edited to add: There are books on how to strengthen executive functioning skills that might be helpful, both to identify particular areas of weaknesses and for strategies for how to address those areas.

Edited January 12, 2016 by iamonlyone

[bagel270]

Sounds like my 9yolds. Three so far. The almost 8yo will be the same way. 

[Lecka]

This is just my own reasoning, but when you have (presumably) two other kids who are meeting your expectations, and one who isn't, then why in the world do you feel like you are not being a good parent. 

 

Your two kids who are meeting your expectations are proof you have a lot of good things going for you as a parent.

 

Your one kid who is not responding in the same ways, is proof that she needs something more/different. 

[lgliser]

WOW.  Can I just start out with the biggest THANK YOU in the world?  I am beyond blessed to have this board at my fingertips.  Seriously.  I am simply overwhelmed!

 

A few answers to a few questions - we have actually tried meds for ADHD.  That was a very hard decision and it took us a while to come around and admit that meds may actually be needed!  She has 20 mg of Vyvanse and I think it helps a little.  I'm honestly not sure what to expect though and I think I try to see a change even if maybe there's not one.  I have heard people say that it makes all the difference in the world, so when I'm like "eh, there may be a difference," I'm not sure if I should take what I can get or try for a more "life changing" difference!  And then it doesn't help that there are still people in my life who are so against meds for something like this!  But that's another thread! 

 

Getting her a creative outlet - I would LOVE to and I've tried.  She is a budding artist and an AWESOME singer.  She likes the stage.  However, I am learning that even though I am totally following her lead in things that she seems to enjoy and things she's good at, if it's not her idea, she's not that into it.

 

The comment about parenting her heart - wow.  I really did need to hear that and I especially appreciate the real life example.  Because I have thought the same thing but wasn't really sure how to do it.  Your whole reply - you get it.  You get me. 

 

The reminder that I have 2 kids who (basically) do things the way they're asked - yep.  That makes sense.  And of course the reminder that she's 9!  And even my other two 9 year olds of course do need reminders.  But I suppose I jump to the conclusion that it's something I've done because... don't moms always blame themselves?  Not that we should, but it's just that mommy guilt. 

 

The reminder that ADHD is an issue!  It's a problem with wiring and some things are going to be HARD for her.  I know it, but the reminder is much needed. 

 

The understanding, compassion, well thought out advice, encouragement, reassurance, the NICENESS.  WOW!

 

I am going to research executive processing skills, I'm going to read The Explosive Child (the title speaks to me already)! and I'll check out the links given too. 

 

You all are just amazing.  Thanks you so so much!

Edited January 13, 2016 by lgliser