Wwyd? Christmas related.

[TammyS]

 You don't want to wake up one day when you're 50 and wonder how it happened that you are always walking on eggshells around your dh and suppressing everything you want just so he won't treat you poorly. It's no way to live.

 

This.

 

There is a reason why there is a serious increase in the number of people who are middle aged, have been married a long time, and are getting divorced.  Because eventually someone (usually the wife) wakes up and realizes (decades too late) that she's sick of the ______ and she's done.

 

You can fight the nonsense, or risk being one of those women one day.

[TammyS]

. There would be no drama and marital strife over this accident on his part.

 

 

 

It wasn't an accident.

 

An accident is running into someone at the store while you are buying their gift.

 

An accident is the kid seeing it in the trunk or the closet before you had a chance to wrap it.

 

This wasn't an accident.  The kid was with him when he bought it.  That's being a jerk who doesn't care to make the slightest effort to do it right.

[Bluegoat]

It wasn't an accident.

 

An accident is running into someone at the store while you are buying their gift.

 

An accident is the kid seeing it in the trunk or the closet before you had a chance to wrap it.

 

This wasn't an accident.  The kid was with him when he bought it.  That's being a jerk who doesn't care to make the slightest effort to do it right.

 

I believe she meant accidentally disappointing him.  Not everyone cares about surprises, especially when they are barely surprises to begin with.

[Alicia64]

Were your dh's actions kind of out of spite, or was he just clueless?  That would make a difference for me.  If he's usually opposed to presents and thought he was being respectful of your desires but he just did it clumsily, that's one thing.  If he's dragging his feet and purposely did this in a way that was being spiteful or rude, that's another thing.  You probably have an idea which it is.  If it's the second, then I'd definitely sit down and talk with him now.  And not even about this in particular, but about compromising and letting it go.  And I agree, that now is definitely the time to do this.  Just discuss things calmly and openly.  Then, I'd probably get one more gift that's a surprise, if this is important to you and the kids.  Or, do you have stockings?  Then I'd have all of the stocking stuffers be a surprise, for sure.

 

Just wanted to add though, that I was a peeker when I was a kid!  I can't believe I did that, but it was always so easy to just open the hall closet door and see what my Christmas gifts were!  For several years, I knew exactly what I was getting, but I was just as excited.  I bet as Christmas gets closer, your son will become more excited about his gift too. 

 

I'm pretty sure he's just clueless. He has some Asperger's. He's not opposed to presents.

 

Discussing things w/ him is a no-go. I've tried. He walks away. Or stomps away. He veers from being very, very sweet to acting like he is in this situation.

 

At this point, he's defensive.

 

Am I having a great relationship? No. But I'm able to compartmentalize enough so that I can take really good care of my boys, do my 1/4 time job (which I love), and have a few fun hobbies.

 

I can't tell you how much this thread and everyone's comments have helped me. It's so easy to feel like the crazy one in this kind of scenario and to have your feedback helps so much.

 

A million thank you's!

 

Alley

 

[Alicia64]

This.

 

There is a reason why there is a serious increase in the number of people who are middle aged, have been married a long time, and are getting divorced.  Because eventually someone (usually the wife) wakes up and realizes (decades too late) that she's sick of the ______ and she's done.

 

You can fight the nonsense, or risk being one of those women one day.

 

CatWoman and Tammy: You're both absolutely right. I woke up a long time ago, but have never felt enraged enough to leave and take away homeschooling from my kids. Putting my kids in school and leaving them w/ Dh never seemed smart. So I've plugged on. Don't get me wrong, the kids live in a fairly strife-free house. I compartmentalize pretty well and Dh is very into work.

 

I'm not sure how to "fight the nonsense". I've tried and it seems not fixable. Or I'm not fighting right. Or. . .

 

I want to add -- and should have from the beginning -- that Dh has Asperger's. So there is a high quotient of clueless-ness, defensiveness, "I know best-ness", etc. I've read the books that divorce in Asperger marriages is very high. I just have never wanted my kids to deal with him on their own. He loves the boys very much and is a very playful, great dad in many ways -- with some difficult glitches.

 

Alley

[gardenmom5]

mm.  I am trying to picture how this happened. 

 

Or was the kid nagging in the store?

 

I doubt the child was nagging, then dad bought him the gift in front of him.  Had that been the case, I seriously doubt he'd be upset it wasn't going to be a surprise.

 

I recall one christmas (I was four or five), seeing something I *really* wanted.  I begged my mom to get it.  she caved, and bought it right then (which even as a small child I understood) - I "did my best" (wink, wink) to 'forget' what it was so I would "be surprised".  (at least, I promised her I would . . . )

 

 

eta: I have one who had horrible gift anxiety as a child (panic attack quality).  there were a few times I would have to assure him he was getting what he wanted just so he'd calm down.  he'd never complain about his surprise being ruined.  

[gardenmom5]

I believe she meant accidentally disappointing him.  Not everyone cares about surprises, especially when they are barely surprises to begin with.

 

OP's son does.  that's why he went to mom, he was upset his surprise was ruined.  and it was going to be a surprise. (if dad hadn't purchased the gift in front of him.)  her boys make a list of three items - knowing they will probably only get one of them. they're surprised by which one their parents chose.

 

Edited December 14, 2015 by gardenmom5

[Alicia64]

I doubt the child was nagging, then dad bought him the gift in front of him.  Had that been the case, I seriously doubt he'd be upset it wasn't going to be a surprise.

 

I recall one christmas (I was four or five), seeing something I *really* wanted.  I begged my mom to get it.  she caved, and bought it right then (which even as a small child I understood) - I "did my best" (wink, wink) to 'forget' what it was so I would "be surprised".  (at least, I promised her I would . . . )

 

 

eta: I have one who had horrible gift anxiety as a child (panic attack quality).  there were a few times I would have to assure him he was getting what he wanted just so he'd calm down.  he'd never complain about his surprise being ruined.  

 

Right. My son didn't drag Dh into the store, they were already there for another event. And Dh knew that the Dr. Who set was on my son's wish list. So, out of pure logic: he bought it right then and there.

 

I don't think he was trying to be mean. He's just out to lunch. The problem is that when I explain the lack of consideration for our son and how Xmas works, he just got defensive and essentially said I was over reacting. That's the problem. He's not open to hearing differing views. Although he'll likely never do this again.

 

But he can't just say, "Oh, my bad, that was clueless. Won't happen again. How should we fix this?"

 

Alley

[JessReplanted]

That would make me completely crazy. And my goodness, 3 gifts is not too much.

[gardenmom5]

Right. My son didn't drag Dh into the store, they were already there for another event. And Dh knew that the Dr. Who set was on my son's wish list. So, out of pure logic: he bought it right then and there.

 

I don't think he was trying to be mean. He's just out to lunch. The problem is that when I explain the lack of consideration for our son and how Xmas works, he just got defensive and essentially said I was over reacting. That's the problem. He's not open to hearing differing views. Although he'll likely never do this again.

 

But he can't just say, "Oh, my bad, that was clueless. Won't happen again. How should we fix this?"

 

Alley

 

can you examine how you phrase things?  is it possible to rephrase things in a way that he won't become so defensive?  even if that means assuring him you know he didn't deliberatly ruin the surprise.

 

dh used to also be very defensive, I had to relearn how I spoke about things (both of our family's dynamics were bad on communication, so I had to learn how.).  then he can also be clueless. . . . . .

[Alicia64]

can you examine how you phrase things?  is it possible to rephrase things in a way that he won't become so defensive?  even if that means assuring him you know he didn't deliberatly ruin the surprise.

 

dh used to also be very defensive, I had to relearn how I spoke about things (both of our family's dynamics were bad on communication, so I had to learn how.).  then he can also be clueless. . . . . .

 

Hi Garden! Yes, you're right. There are times he does things and I'm like, "you've got to be kidding." Honestly, I'm usually startled. But I've tried over the years to say it this way, that way, the other way -- and I get nowhere.

 

I'm open! How are you saying things that helps?

 

Alley

[Garga]

In your husband's defense, that Doctor Who Lego set can be pretty impossible to get. It's been sold out on the website pretty much for the entire 2 weeks it's been available. I ordered it on Dec 1st (the first day that it was available) and I still haven't gotten it in the mail (and no email about it and no tracking number, so I'm kinda thinking something is really wrong with me getting it--I need to contact Lego about it.)

 

He might have realized, "I'd better get this right now before it's gone," and he'd have been right.

 

Of course, it sounds like this is all part of a pattern and even though it was probably best *in this case* for him to get the gift immediately, it sounds like overall you have a burden to bear and I'm sorry.

 

I wish I could help you know how to talk with your DH that he can better hear without reacting so negatively. Does anyone with Asperger family members have any suggestions? Or people with it themselves? Or is each person different? That might make a great new thread.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Garga

[fairfarmhand]

Hi Garden! Yes, you're right. There are times he does things and I'm like, "you've got to be kidding." Honestly, I'm usually startled. But I've tried over the years to say it this way, that way, the other way -- and I get nowhere.

 

I'm open! How are you saying things that helps?

 

Alley

 

Suggests:

 

"Hey Dad! Kudos for getting that! It can be hard to find this time of year! You know, though that surprises are a big deal for ds. Maybe next time we can think of a way to sneak it out of the store. Or at least try to conceal it somehow. I remember once my mom bought (blank) and was trying so hard to hide it from me. It was so sweet that she was trying to surprise me, and I had to be really careful to not give away that knew about it."

 

And most of us do have a holiday/birthday story like that. And it is a special memory of a family member at least TRYING to make a surprise for us.

[Miss Peregrine]

In the case of the Dr Who set, it may be a good idea he bought it while he saw it in front of him. That set is flying off the shelves and may not have been there when you went back to get it without the kid. It is a Lego Ideas set. Too bad he couldn't figure out a way to get it without your kid seeing it though.

This is what I was going to say.

[Dmmetler]

Honestly, the Doctor Who set is hard to find in stores this year, and runs pretty high from third party sellers, so I can kind of understand buying that one even if the child is there.  Last year, we ended up doing that when we found the research station in a Lego store over Thanksgiving, and while we tried to avoid DD seeing it, I don't think it was a big surprise. Similarly, I bought the Doctor Who set when I found it in Toys R. Us even though DD was there, because it was sold out on Lego.com, and most of the prices I found elsewhere were quite high.

 

I would suggest buying another surprise, but sometimes, when it's a really hard to find item, you have to buy it when you find it. Having said that, we do several gifts, so some are always surprises, and do have grandparent gifts as well, so it's not the case that knowing one gift ruins the surprise factor.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I don't think you're wrong but I understand your dh too. I was brought up with no surprises, no Santa, few gifts. Just another day with better food. Even after 30 years of marriage I don't get dh and his Christmas hullabaloo. I try but...yeah, hard to understand.

[happypamama]

After reading your additional info, I can see why it made sense to your DH, and I'm glad your son will be getting the item he really wants. I can see why he is a bit bummed that he knows about the surprise.

 

I think I'd get some smaller surprise gifts for your son, just so that he does have something surprising. And I'd wrap the Lego set anyway.

 

Would your DH understand a bit better if you typed out your thoughts? It helps to take some of the emotions out of a discussion and lets you make all of your points without anyone reacting in the middle. Your DH sounds like a generally decent father, if a bit clueless about what matters to the boys. (DH and I sometimes have these sorts of discussions, not about this topic, but about the larger family dynamic. I grew up the oldest of four, while he grew up with one sister six years younger. So the concept of a close in age peer, lots of siblings, stuff like that just doesn't always occur to him the same way it does to me. And there are parts of our kids' personalities that I don't get, and he does, so I turn to him a lot about what's behind some of it.)

[Bluegoat]

I doubt the child was nagging, then dad bought him the gift in front of him.  Had that been the case, I seriously doubt he'd be upset it wasn't going to be a surprise.

 

I recall one christmas (I was four or five), seeing something I *really* wanted.  I begged my mom to get it.  she caved, and bought it right then (which even as a small child I understood) - I "did my best" (wink, wink) to 'forget' what it was so I would "be surprised".  (at least, I promised her I would . . . )

 

 

eta: I have one who had horrible gift anxiety as a child (panic attack quality).  there were a few times I would have to assure him he was getting what he wanted just so he'd calm down.  he'd never complain about his surprise being ruined.  

 

I would not assume that.  I once searched for the gifts and found them, as a kid.  Christmas day was a let-down.  Oops.  Kids don't necessarily realize these things until they actually experience them.  Sometimes desire for a great gift even gets in the way of leaving room for a surprise, and kids go through a period of only wanting one thing, before realizing that isn't what they find really fun about the holiday.  If the son was saying that was the gift her really wanted, maybe the dad though - well, ok, if that is his choice, I'll get it.

 

 

OP's son does.  that's why he went to mom, he was upset his surprise was ruined.  and it was going to be a surprise. (if dad hadn't purchased the gift in front of him.)  her boys make a list of three items - knowing they will probably only get one of them. they're surprised by which one their parents chose.

 

 

If the dad didn't realize he was going to be disappointed, it was still a mistake, not just being a jerk as a pp suggested. THe son said this to the mom, afterwards.  Did he say it to the dad at the time?  Probably not, and maybe for a few reasons.

 

Saying the dad was doing it be spiteful is kind of out there, it seems pretty unlikely.  Most parents don't want to ruin Christmas for their kids just to be jerks.

[ktgrok]

ah, sounds like his heart was in the right place, but he didn't communicate it well to your son. That's typical with asperger's. He could have (should have) said, "hey, they have it! I can buy it right now, to make sure you get it, if you want, but of course that means you won't be surprised. If I don't, they may not have it later. What do you want me to do?"

[elegantlion]

I can see both sides, definitely would not have taken the chance on the product being sold out if I went back. I can see a kid being disappointed that there was no surprise. I can see getting upset with passive-aggressive stuff (I'm divorced, so I'll just leave that one alone as I get it). 

 

For a couple of Christmases we would do gift in an opposite manner. We also didn't have a lot of extended family, so my mom and dad would give us money to buy our own gifts. We'd head to the mall, buy what we wanted and wrap it up so everyone else was surprised. It worked good after we got a certain age and toys were no longer top on the list. In fact, my parents had decided that is how we're doing Christmas this year before my dad passed away. So I already have the money from them for gifts and a large supply of books will be on my doorstep this week. I'll wrap them myself. 

 

Just adding that as a thought. 

[Xahm]

Just had a thought. Would it work in your family culture to make a treasure hunt for your kids this year? Like, in their stockings they find the first clue and their presents are else where? That way you surprise them without buying new presents. My dh's family used to do stuff like that. One clue was usually a puzzle they had to put together and the clue was on the back.

[gardenmom5]

Let him.  Then pretend like you can't see any of it.  Makes passive-aggressive people crazy.

 

dh would be excruciatingly cheerful and positive with my grandmother.  he'd turn everything she'd say around to "look on the positive side".  oh, your oncologist declared you cancer free after five years - you should be so happy.  that's wonderful.

 

 

she hated - and I meant *HATED* talking to him.  she'd go out of her way to avoid talking to him.

[PeterPan]

What you *could* do is *keep* the Dr. Who lego set, buy another present for Christmas (since you're trying to limit to one), and give it to the dc at his b-day or easter or another occasion.  If you do that, obviously you'd need to sorta of ignore the other boys' lists too or else trump his Dr. Who with something even cooler he didn't know he wanted.

[Lori D.]

Just had a thought. Would it work in your family culture to make a treasure hunt for your kids this year? Like, in their stockings they find the first clue and their presents are else where? That way you surprise them without buying new presents. My dh's family used to do stuff like that. One clue was usually a puzzle they had to put together and the clue was on the back.

 

LOVE this idea! How fun!

 

Another idea to add surprise without buying additional presents: wrap up all of your special Christmas books and for the 24 days before Christmas (or for however many books you have -- maybe that's 8) alternate days of DSs getting to pick a book and unwrap it and read it aloud together over hot chocolate and cookies. Make that a tradition and add a new book each year. If you don't have any, what about seeing if the library still has any Christmas books on the shelves and wrapping those up for this year, and then returning them after Christmas, since the point is a surprise gift to unwrap. 

 

Another fun surprise present tradition (but does involve purchasing more presents) might be to get an inexpensive small item for each person (yourself included), wrap them and make sure the tags are hidden (or, go without tags!), and use the presents as part of a holiday centerpiece for your Christmas Eve or Christmas Night dinner, and at the end of dinner, everyone finds their gift to open. Or, if no tags, have fun opening and swapping (although, Aspberger's DH may not be able to handle this unless it's made very clear that the purpose is for a GAME and for fun, not that a specific gift was meant for a specific person and it all got "messed up".) Maybe have a theme each year -- one year, a different set of card games (and then the whole family plays a different card game each night during the week between Christmas and New Year's). Another year, everyone gets one of puzzles that are metal objects linked together and you have to figure out how to unlink them. . Another year, small "fidget" toys -- slinky, magnets, koosh ball, bendy figures, etc. Another year, everyone gets a book of optical illusions, or favorite type of puzzles (mazes, crosswords, Sudoku, hidden picture puzzles, etc.) See this recent thread for some ideas: "Christmas Eve gifts for a crowd".

 

Another thought: if DSs are not part of the gift shopping/wrapping/giving, it's time to start!   :) Make Christmas gift shopping a fun special time -- first take one DS out and he gets to buy (or make) a special gift for each family member, and then another day take the other DS. If you think DH can handle it, you could ALL go, and you take one DS to one mall store to shop for brother and dad, while DH takes the other to shop for you; then half way through, switch which parent has which child.

 

HUGS and best wishes that this can all ultimately work out well for everyone.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Lori D.

[happi duck]

Now *I* want the Doctor Who Lego set!!

 

(Though I'm a little bitter because my kids, and I'm sure lots of others, repeatedly contacted Lego suggesting Doctor Who. The fact that now it's "wow, what a great idea" is like "what?" Their response before was that DW didn't have a wide enough appeal. *glares* isn't it like the longest running sci-fi show? How did Prince of Persia make the cut back then?)

 

Sorry for the rant!

 

:)

[vonfirmath]

Now *I* want the Doctor Who Lego set!!

 

(Though I'm a little bitter because my kids, and I'm sure lots of others, repeatedly contacted Lego suggesting Doctor Who. The fact that now it's "wow, what a great idea" is like "what?" Their response before was that DW didn't have a wide enough appeal. *glares* isn't it like the longest running sci-fi show? How did Prince of Persia make the cut back then?)

 

Sorry for the rant!

 

:)

 

Have your kids look at Lego Ideas -- a platform for suggestions such as these. This is the process Dr. Who went through to become a set. through this platform, even standalone sets can occasionally make sense without having to have 4-6 sets for an idea.

[Twolittleboys]

Could you maybe explain nicely to dh that you understand why he bought the set quickly (as apparently it is hard to get) but that it is important to ds to get a surprise? An option might be to put the Lego set aside for ds's birthday (if that isn't too far in the future/if you think he will still want it then) and get him something else now? That way you would have a surprise for Christmas but really won't buy more than planned (as you would have to get a birthday present anyway). Of course that won't work if ds will be disappointed with anything else...

[happi duck]

Have your kids look at Lego Ideas -- a platform for suggestions such as these. This is the process Dr. Who went through to become a set. through this platform, even standalone sets can occasionally make sense without having to have 4-6 sets for an idea.

I don't think Lego Ideas existed at the time. If it had Lego could have caught the Doctor Who wave much sooner! :)

[Rosie_0801]

This.

 

There is a reason why there is a serious increase in the number of people who are middle aged, have been married a long time, and are getting divorced.  Because eventually someone (usually the wife) wakes up and realizes (decades too late) that she's sick of the ______ and she's done.

 

You can fight the nonsense, or risk being one of those women one day.

 

I'm not sure why you put "or" in that sentence. It can just as easily be "you can fight the nonsense and risk being one of those women one day."

 

But the OP says she compartmentalises. That sucks, but it's probably for the best.  :grouphug:

[kbutton]

Right. My son didn't drag Dh into the store, they were already there for another event. And Dh knew that the Dr. Who set was on my son's wish list. So, out of pure logic: he bought it right then and there.

 

I don't think he was trying to be mean. He's just out to lunch. The problem is that when I explain the lack of consideration for our son and how Xmas works, he just got defensive and essentially said I was over reacting. That's the problem. He's not open to hearing differing views. Although he'll likely never do this again.

 

But he can't just say, "Oh, my bad, that was clueless. Won't happen again. How should we fix this?"

 

Alley

 

 

:grouphug:

 

The good news: he won't do the same thing again. The bad news: If he's like a couple of quirky people near to me, he'll find ten other unexpected things to do that are equally as frustrating and fall into the same category of cluelessness. It's maddening.

 

I like the idea of trying to rephrase things (liked fairfarmhand's example) and maybe strategizing together ahead of time about how to handle/discuss/mitigate these sorts of incidents in general. It's helped here, though it's imperfect. This social stuff probably seems kind of random to him and common sense to you--that's a really big gap to overcome, and it might be part of what makes him defensive even if he isn't expressing that or even agreeing with that idea. 

 

Hang in there. I totally know where you are coming from but with different specifics.

[Daria]

Id also vote for return and get one of the other gifts on the list. Then your son would be really surprised!

 

I'm all for surprises, but if he wanted the lego, and then didn't get it, that wouldn't be the kind of surprise I think of when I think of Christmas.

[Aura]

A little off topic, but I just thought I'd point out that not everyone likes surprises. My dh doesn't like surprises, and it used to drive me bonkers, until my ds turned out to be the same way...and then it finally dawned on me: they both prefer being able to look forward to something. For them, that was better than having a surprise thrown at them. Even Christmas, they like looking forward to getting a specific gift under the tree.

[Critterfixer]

I'm so bad that I won't buy anything for anyone unless they see it, pick it out and approve it. Seriously. While both boys admit that it would be fun to be surprised on Christmas, I'm lucky that they understand that this is one of Mom's weird little quirks. The only reason I do it is because I can't pick out a good gift, and I only want to be sure that they get what they really would like. And there is always the concern that something won't arrive in time. So we shop early and online.

I just got done telling DH that when he finds what he wants, he should get it and I'll put a bow on it. I seriously cannot do the gift giving thing AT ALL and never have been able to. I like to give gifts, but for me it is always the thrill of having found, purchased and let the person know that I got just what they wanted...I totally forget that some people really do like to be surprised. Sigh.

I picked out two books this year that were not approved by either child. I really hope I got it right...

[Plink]

I'm pretty sure he's just clueless. He has some Asperger's. He's not opposed to presents.

 

Discussing things w/ him is a no-go. I've tried. He walks away. Or stomps away. He veers from being very, very sweet to acting like he is in this situation.

 

At this point, he's defensive.

 

Am I having a great relationship? No. But I'm able to compartmentalize enough so that I can take really good care of my boys, do my 1/4 time job (which I love), and have a few fun hobbies.

 

I can't tell you how much this thread and everyone's comments have helped me. It's so easy to feel like the crazy one in this kind of scenario and to have your feedback helps so much.

 

A million thank you's!

 

Alley

 

If he is on the spectrum, writing him a note might help. You can put all of your thoughts and reasons down, and not have to worry about him leaving mid-stream. He will then be able to process the facts without having to simultaneously deal with your emotions.

[Alicia64]

If he is on the spectrum, writing him a note might help. You can put all of your thoughts and reasons down, and not have to worry about him leaving mid-stream. He will then be able to process the facts without having to simultaneously deal with your emotions.

 

Plink: I've known this advice and forgotten it a million times. I'm going to print out your comment and tape it in my calendar.

 

Okay, I overreacted and he said I was being overboard and now we're barely speaking. Plus I ordered more surprises which he's not thrilled about.

 

How do I smooth things down w/ someone on the spectrum? I've learned a lot from this thread and I need one more great plan b/c he's really mad and not speaking at this point.

 

Alley

[Innisfree]

Speaking carefully here, and gently...

 

Autism is a complex neurological condition which varies widely in its expression, as I'm sure you know. People with autism vary widely.

 

Has your husband actually received a diagnosis of aspergers/autism?

 

If so, you've probably talked with professionals about how to effectively interact with him. Not all people on the spectrum are the same, and no one approach is going to apply.

 

Based on my limited experience with one dd on the spectrum, I would say if I "overreact," there will be problems. At the moment I'd back off, give him time to cool down, and later try to discuss things calmly.

 

But... It just isn't as simple as you imply with "how do I smooth things down with someone on the spectrum?"

 

First, he's himself. Not my dd, not that person's son, even if they are also on the spectrum.

 

If it were that simple, if it were a formula to follow, all our lives would be much easier.

[Alicia64]

 

But... It just isn't as simple as you imply with "how do I smooth things down with someone on the spectrum?"

 

First, he's himself. Not my dd, not that person's son, even if they are also on the spectrum.

 

If it were that simple, if it were a formula to follow, all our lives would be much easier.

 

Believe me, I've had years to realize that it's not simple. I'm not implying that it is. I was just hoping for a few ideas. Even "back off" helps. I've read a lot of books and -- I guess -- haven't really internalized how to help things be easier.

 

Because I do get startled and go bonkers when he does something that I think is "nuts."

 

He refuses to have an eval. Period. He refuses to even look at the situation of Asp. But I don't need an expert to tell me. I had friends and family tell me. . . long before I even really saw it.

 

Your "back off" idea actually helps. I think I've pursued in the past and made it worse.

 

Alley

[vonfirmath]

If he is on the spectrum, writing him a note might help. You can put all of your thoughts and reasons down, and not have to worry about him leaving mid-stream. He will then be able to process the facts without having to simultaneously deal with your emotions.

 

Wow. I did not know this. It may help with my husband as well. He has some indications of being on the spectrum, though he's never been diagnosed.

[Tanaqui]

How do I smooth things down w/ someone on the spectrum? I've learned a lot from this thread and I need one more great plan b/c he's really mad and not speaking at this point.

 

Well, we're all individuals. You know your husband a lot better than I do, certainly :)

 

However, I have to concur with what was said earlier. Sometimes some cooldown time is important. If you figure that you overreacted and this isn't part of a frustrating pattern of behavior, then a simple sorry and some space should do it, you don't need to rehash the whole situation. I know this sounds contrary to what I said earlier, which was "calm down and then talk about behavioral expectations in a relationship", but it's not - that advice was given under the assumption that you were accurately reflecting on how he acts frequently, not being really irked and annoyed in the moment. We've all done that. Man, I wish I could be accurate all the time!

[ktgrok]

Yes, give him time. And then be VERY matter of fact, and NOT emotional. Say you are sorry you got so upset, you know he was trying to do the right thing and you are grateful he got the gift given how hard it is to find. Then explain that you know it doesn't make much sense to him, but some people really do want to be surprised, and that's why you ordered a few extra surprises. Most aspie people I know HATE surprises, so he really probably doesn't understand. 

[itsheresomewhere]

In your husband's defense, that Doctor Who Lego set can be pretty impossible to get. It's been sold out on the website pretty much for the entire 2 weeks it's been available. I ordered it on Dec 1st (the first day that it was available) and I still haven't gotten it in the mail (and no email about it and no tracking number, so I'm kinda thinking something is really wrong with me getting it--I need to contact Lego about it.)

 

He might have realized, "I'd better get this right now before it's gone," and he'd have been right.

 

Of course, it sounds like this is all part of a pattern and even though it was probably best *in this case* for him to get the gift immediately, it sounds like overall you have a burden to bear and I'm sorry.

 

I wish I could help you know how to talk with your DH that he can better hear without reacting so negatively. Does anyone with Asperger family members have any suggestions? Or people with it themselves? Or is each person different? That might make a great new thread.

Contact Lego. I ordered it on the 6th and got it already. And I got a tracking number for it the day it was delivered.

[Garga]

Contact Lego. I ordered it on the 6th and got it already. And I got a tracking number for it the day it was delivered.

:( I contacted them yesterday. I got a canned email saying, "We'll contact you in a day or two." I'm guessing they'll contact me in 2 days since they didn't contact me today.

 

Sigh. It's the only present I'm getting for DH. But at least he's a big boy and if it doesn't arrive until after Christmas he won't cry.