trulycrabby Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I am glad you are going. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Maddening. So sorry you are going through this. And sorry to your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I am so glad you decided to go! Praying for safe travels, for strength and guidance in this situation, and of course for your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Have a safe trip and I am holding you and your dad in the light. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minerva Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Keeping you in my thoughts as you head towards your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) Can you contact his doctor now, over the phone? I was able to get info on my mother's condition overseas via phone. I would circumvent stepmother and deal directly with medical professionals. If you feel you need to be there sooner, call the airline and see if they let you move the ticket to an earlier time. Just read your update. Safe traveling and journey's mercies. Edited December 8, 2015 by Liz CA 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I hope the you arrive safely and have a very uneventful drive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Thanks, guys. I'm driving down today after all. :( If you're the praying sort, you can say a prayer for us. Or send good juju. Or just good thoughts. I always use Quakerspeak in these situations - they say holding you in the light. I'm holding him in the light and all of us. Godspeed, friend. From someone who missed her own dad's passing due to mom minimizing the need to come home soon enough, you will not regret this decision. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I feel your pain so much. My dad has stage four non-small cell adenocarcinoma that has metastisized to the brain. He is 72 and in very poor shape. His prognosis is that WITH chemo he has at best 1 year. Yet my mom acts like everything is hunky dorry and he's just going to be cured by the chemo and he's going to do this juice fast thing which is going to starve the chemo (no, but since he's lost 45 lbs that he didn't have to lose to begin with I'm pretty certain it will starve him to death by default so in that sense I suppose one could claim it starved the cancer, sigh...), and they won't make any end of life plans leaving my brother and I "holding the bag" so to speak. And he has legal problems. After the cancer went to the brain, he went crazy, decided to kill my mom , and then commit suicide. He was so out of it he couldn't plan anything effective so thankfully, all she got out of the encounter was a broken ankle, but they still want to prosecute him even though it is proven it was the brain cancer that caused him to act that way. So, he still faces jail as a profoundly sick man, but she talks like he's getting cured and they are just going on with their retirement, traveling, camping, visiting relatives....she is in so much denial it staggers - even the doctors are very, very worried about how unrealistic she is. On top of which, she controls the flow of information so now that she has figured out that I do subscribe to the unicorn farting rainbows theory of cancer cures, she has shut down and doesn't want to tell me what his oncologist says or anything else, and when I take them to his doctors' appointments, I get kicked out of the room as punishment for being realistic. I am right there with you. And cancer is just evil, 100% villainous evil in cellular form. :grouphug: :grouphug: Praying for you. Faith, what horror. The legal system in your state must be wonky. How can they prosecute someone who needs full-time care and is not coherent by certification of his physicians? My bil has glioblastoma and I am wondering if it could reach this stage where he will have to be removed from family. Just wanted to mention that the part where your mother pretends they are going to live life as usual is probably the only coping mechanism she has right now and the one thing that keeps her from breaking down. My MIL is like that and it used to drive me crazy watching her denial in all kinds of situations but over the years I have come to realize it's her protection against reality. When reality hits she usually falls apart for a while. I will pray that the legal issues goes away and never rear their ugly head again. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vida Winter Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Prayers for safe travels and peace with mil. People sometimes say things on the phone that they would not dare say in person. Also praying for your father. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azucena Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I'm sorry for the news about your father. Holding you in the light. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Thanks, guys. I'm driving down today after all. :( If you're the praying sort, you can say a prayer for us. Or send good juju. Or just good thoughts. I always use Quakerspeak in these situations - they say holding you in the light. I'm holding him in the light and all of us. :grouphug: You're doing the right thing. I made several trips when my parent was dying and I'm very glad I did. My parent's spouse was just as dismissive of my concerns, but the hospice nurse was very helpful. She was also willing to talk to me, even if I didn't have medical authority over my parent. While you're with him, talk to him. My final conversations with my parent are some of my most precious memories. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Prayers, light, and peace to you and yours. Safe travels. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Farrah, I'm so sorry. You are an incredibly kind-hearted and grounded person, and she must be the devil to treat you that way while you are grieving. Please keep us posted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I am so sorry, Farrar. I do hope that the situation improves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPlaceLikeHome Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: I am sorry Farrar. You have my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RioSamba Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I'm so sorry Farrar. I just prayed for you and will continue to do so. My step-mother is quite similar, and I wish that I had great advice to offer you, but I only have sympathy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Entropymama Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I have nothing to say, except that I'm sorry and we're all with you in this. My dad had cancer as well. If you speak to his oncologist they may put you on the notification list, so the doctors will let you know what's happening instead of relying on your stepmom. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thanks, guys. I'm driving down today after all. :( If you're the praying sort, you can say a prayer for us. Or send good juju. Or just good thoughts. I always use Quakerspeak in these situations - they say holding you in the light. I'm holding him in the light and all of us. Praying here, and holding you and your father in the light. Please update us when you can, but if you're too busy, tired, or upset, don't worry about us -- just know that we are all here thinking of you and wishing the very best for your dad, and we'll see you when you get back here. :grouphug: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 I am so sorry. That adds to the grief you would already have because of your dad's illness. :grouphug: When you get down there, if he is conscious, get him to put you on HIPPA so you can get info directly. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 I'm so glad you are going. Have a nice, centering drive. I'm thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Keeping your dad and family in my thoughts :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Farrar, I'm so sorry. Safe travels, godspeed, holding you all in the light. {{Farrar & her dad}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 I'm so sorry about this, Farrar. Drive safely. You're in my thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootAnn Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Hoping you made it in safely by now. Prayers & calming thoughts heading your way. Dealing with a dying dad shouldn't be made any more difficult than it already is. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Hope you got in safely. Still in my thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thinking of you this morning! Praying you had a safe trip Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thinking of you today, hoping your trip was safe and that you're getting some actual answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thinking of you and your family today. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thanks for everyone's prayers and good thoughts. I'm exhausted, but here. It was pretty dire yesterday morning, like get the advance directives dire, but step mom actually made great decisions and he seems to have turned some sort of a corner. Things are not good and the everything will be fine mentality is still killing me a little but he's better than when I started the eleven hour drive and is clearly glad I came and even the nurses think he's better than yesterday, though that's tempered by the oncologist who was clearly upset at how bad things are. And, bonuses, I saw my formerly estranged brother and had a very good meeting. My mother is probably doing flips she's so happy. Step mom and I are playing nice. Turns out before our interaction she also was in a car accident. Assuming she doesn't call me missy again, I'm trying to just let it go. She managed things differently but that's okay. 39 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thanks for everyone's prayers and good thoughts. I'm exhausted, but here. It was pretty dire yesterday morning, like get the advance directives dire, but step mom actually made great decisions and he seems to have turned some sort of a corner. Things are not good and the everything will be fine mentality is still killing me a little but he's better than when I started the eleven hour drive and is clearly glad I came and even the nurses think he's better than yesterday, though that's tempered by the oncologist who was clearly upset at how bad things are. And, bonuses, I saw my formerly estranged brother and had a very good meeting. My mother is probably doing flips she's so happy. Step mom and I are playing nice. Turns out before our interaction she also was in a car accident. Assuming she doesn't call me missy again, I'm trying to just let it go. She managed things differently but that's okay. Just can't beat the face to face time. Thanks for the update, prayers for your stamina. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Hippa is your friend if your dad adds you. You can get info directly from the doctors this way even if not there in person. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) Thinking of you and your family. :grouphug: Edited December 9, 2015 by zoobie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Praying for you in your hard time. I am so, so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thanks for the update, Farrar. Good news about your brother. Hope that you have a good visit with your dad. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Praying for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Prayers and good thoughts to you and your dad. I'm glad you were able to go. May you have many sweet moments with your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 I'm glad you got there safely and am relieved to hear that your stepmom has been making good decisions on your father's behalf. I also admire you very much for your generous attitude toward your stepmom. I hope you and your brother keep getting along, too. If you can all stick together as a family, that will help a lot. :grouphug: Praying for your dad and for you and your whole family. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thank you for the good update. Glad you are there with your dad, good that he seems better today. And an extra bonus about your brother, and it must be so much easier to not be actively engaged with your dad's wife. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Faith, what horror. The legal system in your state must be wonky. How can they prosecute someone who needs full-time care and is not coherent by certification of his physicians? My bil has glioblastoma and I am wondering if it could reach this stage where he will have to be removed from family. We called adult protective services multiple times on my mom because she was NOT taking good care of my dad. She would withhold food and not bathe him when he needed it. He refused to press charges. Home health suspected abuse but responded by just refusing to go there for the treatments after mom harassed them verbally and threw things at them. He told his doctor not to push the issue. When they needed her OK for hospice, she refused. She had his medical power of attorney, and her doctor refused to certify her as incompetent (I tried). I wrote his doctor a long letter with all of the history and faxed it to her. She thankfully contacted the facility where he was staying and had them call her during one of the few times that he was awake and clear. She cancelled appointments to go there, and he signed his own hospice paperwork. So yes, if someone is not able to fend for themselves and is not being taken care of, you may have to intervene. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thanks for the update! I am glad you arrived safely and things are better today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Glad you arrived safely. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Thanks for everyone's prayers and good thoughts. I'm exhausted, but here. It was pretty dire yesterday morning, like get the advance directives dire, but step mom actually made great decisions and he seems to have turned some sort of a corner. Things are not good and the everything will be fine mentality is still killing me a little but he's better than when I started the eleven hour drive and is clearly glad I came and even the nurses think he's better than yesterday, though that's tempered by the oncologist who was clearly upset at how bad things are. And, bonuses, I saw my formerly estranged brother and had a very good meeting. My mother is probably doing flips she's so happy. Step mom and I are playing nice. Turns out before our interaction she also was in a car accident. Assuming she doesn't call me missy again, I'm trying to just let it go. She managed things differently but that's okay. You're a good person. We should all be so gracious under duress. I'm glad you decided to go. Try to rest. Barb 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 UPDATE: He passed away this evening. I had come home because he was was stable but it turned out one of his last real interactions was with me before I left. I was planning to go back tonight but now I'm going to wait for the funeral. Basically I keep going in circles- I literally went in a circle on 85 and I went to the airport and am now going home. Sigh. I'm frustrated that step mom and my dad made almost no funeral plans, but I don't have it in me to be bitter or anything. Thanks for the support and kind words, everyone. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I am so sorry for your loss, Farrar. May you live long and remember. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I am so very sorry, Farrar. I am very glad you got to spend some time with him. Peace to you and yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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