Would you go?

[zoobie]

This made me cry. I just got off the phone with Anna. A direct quote from her: "You are the better person. You have more grace. So you need to do this."

 

I have been told that countless times by her and my mom since Sarah and I became estranged. And every time I wonder why they want me to subject myself to her abuse.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have a lot to think about tonight.

You're the better person so you should come and get treated like crap for them to pretend there's one big happy family? No.

[Rosie_0801]

This made me cry. I just got off the phone with Anna. A direct quote from her: "You are the better person. You have more grace. So you need to do this."

 

I have been told that countless times by her and my mom since Sarah and I became estranged. And every time I wonder why they want me to subject myself to her abuse.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have a lot to think about tonight.

 

They suck. All of them.

 

 

To the bolded, they want you to subject yourself to her abuse so they don't have to.

[gardenmom5]

This made me cry. I just got off the phone with Anna. A direct quote from her: "You are the better person. You have more grace. So you need to do this."

 

I have been told that countless times by her and my mom since Sarah and I became estranged. And every time I wonder why they want me to subject myself to her abuse.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have a lot to think about tonight.

 

have you asked them why? they really have alot for which to answer.   are they so depserate for everything to be peachykeen and dandy they ignore reality?  denial is NOT a river in egypt.

 

given the history of their telling you "you have more grace" - and yet they still chose her over you, i'd be pretty hurt.  and I wouldn't feel guilty NOT seeing them at christmas.  you can see them another time.  you can tell them if it would make them feel better - sarah can get your phone number and address anytime. if she wants to reconcile you're willing to listen.  (listening =/= reconciliation.)  the ball is in their court - they need to actually do something instead of demanding you doing something.

[SparklyUnicorn]

This made me cry. I just got off the phone with Anna. A direct quote from her: "You are the better person. You have more grace. So you need to do this."

 

I have been told that countless times by her and my mom since Sarah and I became estranged. And every time I wonder why they want me to subject myself to her abuse.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have a lot to think about tonight.

 

You do not need to do this.

[gardenmom5]

fwiw - my sister was so weary of my grandmother's (and her inlaws) holiday games - she started going out of town for christmas.  every year, they'd go stay at a b&b for a week.  originally - it was about getting away from family with which she was uncomfortable, eventually it became their family tradition.

 

eta: after *one* christmas with grandmamma - dh refused to EVER go to her house again.  we eventually developed our own traditions.

[marbel]

This made me cry. I just got off the phone with Anna. A direct quote from her: "You are the better person. You have more grace. So you need to do this."

 

I have been told that countless times by her and my mom since Sarah and I became estranged. And every time I wonder why they want me to subject myself to her abuse.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have a lot to think about tonight.

 

That is emotional blackmail, pure and simple.

 

Family members stand side by side with the "better person."  That isn't what's happening here. 

 

:grouphug:  I'm sorry.  Enjoy your Christmas without the extended family.  Get together with them another time - or not.   

 

[BlsdMama]

Garga,

Good questions. My parents and Anna have chosen to see Sarah solely because she lives the farthest away. (It's close to a 15 hour drive.) Due to her work schedule, she often comes back to visit at most once a year (and sometimes not at all).

 

A hotel would be about 45 minutes away. 

 

As for picking sides, yes, if my parents and Anna had to choose, they would choose Sarah. I hate knowing/admitting it, but it's true. They fully admit that it is Sarah who is most at fault but they choose her. "It's just how she is. We need to love her as she is." Those are refrains I have been told repeatedly.

 

I am am certain as I can be that Sarah would rather not see me/my family (based on conversations with Anna).

 

 

The fact  is that parents often "side" with the difficult child because the "easier" child will acquiesce.  It's unfair, but it's true.  ETA: I have seen this play out time and again in my own extended family.  I am the "go along" one.  And you know what? I resent it.  It's unfair.  But at the same time I do not regret putting relationships (with my mom and dad) in front of being right or standing my ground.  I wouldn't call it pride exactly (standing your ground) but at the same time, it's not something pleasant to think on or snuggle up to.  I worry (probably like your husband) that you would regret this decision of staying home if something unfortunate happened.

 

How long has it been since you and Sarah have been estranged?  This is unfair for me  to bring up, but it has a purpose.  My dad and his oldest brother were estranged for several years.  It wasn't entirely one person's fault and frankly it shouldn't have happened but it did and both were (defend ably) put out.   However, I think it caused my GRANDPARENTS the most strain and pain.  This is hurting you and Sarah far less than it is your parents.  It pains them to make choices and it pains them to have the two of you estranged I am sure.

 

If it were me?  I would probably stay an hour away at a hotel.  Drive to the hotel, drop by mom and dad's for dinner for a few hours, go back to hotel, spend the night, go home the next morning.  Is it fair?  No.  Is it right?  No.  But your parents will know you gave it an honest effort and I don't think you'd regret that choice.  My only question would be, if your parents pass while the estrangement is still ongoing, would you regret not going?  It's a drama queen question, but one worth mulling over.

Edited November 30, 2015 by BlsdMama

[8circles]

The fact  is that parents often "side" with the difficult child because the "easier" child will acquiesce.  It's unfair, but it's true.  ETA: I have seen this play out time and again in my own extended family.  I am the "go along" one.  And you know what? I resent it.  It's unfair.  But at the same time I do not regret putting relationships (with my mom and dad) in front of being right or standing my ground.  I wouldn't call it pride exactly (standing your ground) but at the same time, it's not something pleasant to think on or snuggle up to.  I worry (probably like your husband) that you would regret this decision of staying home if something unfortunate happened.

 

How long has it been since you and Sarah have been estranged?  This is unfair for me  to bring up, but it has a purpose.  My dad and his oldest brother were estranged for several years.  It wasn't entirely one person's fault and frankly it shouldn't have happened but it did and both were (defend ably) put out.   However, I think it caused my GRANDPARENTS the most strain and pain.  This is hurting you and Sarah far less than it is your parents.  It pains them to make choices and it pains them to have the two of you estranged I am sure.

 

If it were me?  I would probably stay an hour away at a hotel.  Drive to the hotel, drop by mom and dad's for dinner for a few hours, go back to hotel, spend the night, go home the next morning.  Is it fair?  No.  Is it right?  No.  But your parents will know you gave it an honest effort and I don't think you'd regret that choice.  My only question would be, if your parents pass while the estrangement is still ongoing, would you regret not going?  It's a drama queen question, but one worth mulling over.

 

This is awful, awful, awful advice.  By posting this you are continuing the abuse that the OP suffers from in her family.  How despicable.

 

You're right about one thing, it isn't pride that stops people from being willing to be abused.  It's recognizing your worth as a human being.  I'm fairly certain the OP isn't snuggling up to the fact that she'll be without her parents and sister this Xmas.  Neither would she be snuggled up to being the doormat.  Is that what YOU snuggle up to?

 

It causes the rest of her family more pain that SHE is being treated poorly?  THEY don't know what to do when someone treats one of their children badly?  Are you freaking kidding me?

 

I'm flabbergasted that anyone could type that up and not realize how bass-ackwards is it.

[Anne in CA]

To all the people who may not understand hotels in the middle of nowhere, the sort of "hotels" in the middle of nowhere are probably not the sort of place you would want your own family to be over a holiday. I live in the middle of a national forest. The nearest "hotel" to me is thirty minutes away in perfect weather. Over Christmas? No way. The snow that may or may not be makes that trip extremely dangerous, my nearest neighbor is mostly titanium from a bad accident he had in bad weather even knowing the road inside and out his whole life. Doing such a road with a car full of kids over the holiday would be really, really, really irresponsible.

 

Hotels in the middle of nowhere are MOTELS. They are small, cramped, with bad beds and no dining available. In small towns there are probably not restaurants open around a holiday, so, if Sarah ruins Christmas the OP and her family could probably not get a meal of any kind without going a long way or even home. That would be the case here for sure.

 

OP, your grace needs to extend to your kids, not Sarah. Anna is not being fair.

 

Also, am I the only person worried about the teen that Sarah is adopting? Sarah cannot get along with her own relatives, she has a dog that bites people, and she is supposed to care for a teen that has been through a lot???

[Rosie_0801]

 

If it were me?  I would probably stay an hour away at a hotel.  Drive to the hotel, drop by mom and dad's for dinner for a few hours, go back to hotel, spend the night, go home the next morning.  Is it fair?  No.  Is it right?  No.  But your parents will know you gave it an honest effort and I don't think you'd regret that choice.  My only question would be, if your parents pass while the estrangement is still ongoing, would you regret not going?  It's a drama queen question, but one worth mulling over.

 

Why doesn't the last honest effort count? Why not the one before that?

 

 

What 8circles said. I'm sure you mean well, but you're behaving like a flying monkey for people you've not even met.

[Jyhwkmama]

45 minutes is not too far to drive for peace of mind and family privacy. If you do go, absolutely get a hotel room(s).

[BooksandBoys]

The fact is that parents often "side" with the difficult child because the "easier" child will acquiesce. It's unfair, but it's true. ETA: I have seen this play out time and again in my own extended family. I am the "go along" one. And you know what? I resent it. It's unfair. But at the same time I do not regret putting relationships (with my mom and dad) in front of being right or standing my ground. I wouldn't call it pride exactly (standing your ground) but at the same time, it's not something pleasant to think on or snuggle up to. I worry (probably like your husband) that you would regret this decision of staying home if something unfortunate happened.

 

How long has it been since you and Sarah have been estranged? This is unfair for me to bring up, but it has a purpose. My dad and his oldest brother were estranged for several years. It wasn't entirely one person's fault and frankly it shouldn't have happened but it did and both were (defend ably) put out. However, I think it caused my GRANDPARENTS the most strain and pain. This is hurting you and Sarah far less than it is your parents. It pains them to make choices and it pains them to have the two of you estranged I am sure.

 

If it were me? I would probably stay an hour away at a hotel. Drive to the hotel, drop by mom and dad's for dinner for a few hours, go back to hotel, spend the night, go home the next morning. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. But your parents will know you gave it an honest effort and I don't think you'd regret that choice. My only question would be, if your parents pass while the estrangement is still ongoing, would you regret not going? It's a drama queen question, but one worth mulling over.

I disagree. I would explain my side to my parents and move on with my own boundaries. I've wasted 8 years giving my brother the benefit of the doubt, setting appropriate boundaries with him, but, in my heart, believing that he was just young and oblivious, despite him not speaking to me since we flew our entire young family acoss the country for his wedding (where my boys were not involved because they didn't "have any nephews," and said this in font of m boys. I kept the peace.

 

Mt new SIL purposeful scheduled her baby shower when my mother has plane tickets to visit m and her grandchildren. They expected my mother to cancel the already purchased tickets. They lectured her for choosing the existing, cognizant grandsons over their unborn baby. While purposely causing the conflict.

 

Recently, I learned that my brother decided years ago that we are not worthy of a relationship because we have different political opinions. He's been telling everyone we know about this. We don't even talk politics...why would we?

 

The moral: I've put years into this relationship and I and my children have been treated like carp (eating foods the kids can't eat due to allergies in front of the kids, while laughing and taunting), (no nephews? He had two nephews, but they were my sons, not our other brother's). With this new info, I've drawn that boundary. I'll never again bow to his whims and put my kiddos on the block so we can play nice at holidays.

 

Hang in there and stand up. You matter too.

[SereneHome]

Obviously, I don't know anything about you or your relationship with your parents or Anna, but from your OP and follow up posts it really doesn't sound like they care too much about your emotional well being.

 

For that reason alone I would not be going.  And it wouldn't have anything to do with pride or ego, but my emotional health.

Edited November 30, 2015 by SereneHome

[Word Nerd]

This is hurting you and Sarah far less than it is your parents.

 

You can't possibly know that.

[Little Nyssa]

Another take: I would think that the teen who is being adopted would need the first holiday to be quiet and low stress, not at an over-crammed house with people who are not sure they are going to get along.

[Aiden]

I'm so sorry your family is putting you in this situation.

 

In your situation, I honestly think that I would not go. I would stay home and enjoy a peaceful Christmas with my immediate family. If I wanted to enjoy time with my parents and nice sister, I'd do that some other time if possible. If that wasn't possible, then I may just have to tell them something along the lines of "You acknowledge that Bad Sister is wrong, yet you expect me to accept her abuse for the sake of your emotional well being. My emotional well being counts, too, and I'm not sacrificing it for her or to make you feel better about the situation. I never want to put you in the situation of choosing between me and her, and I try hard not to. However, in this situation, she's put you in the position of having to choose, and you chose her. That hurts me. But you've chosen Christmas with her instead of me, and that's the choice we'll all have to live with now."

 

If your husband really wants to go, and if you really want some time with parents and good sister around Christmas, then I would drive the 3 hours on Christmas Eve, the day after Christmas, or sometime near then (not on Christmas Day) and spend a few hours with them. Then I'd drive home that night. We used to do this when I was a child, visiting a grandmother who lived 2.5 hours away--it was important to my father that we have Christmas morning at home, we kids didn't like visiting my grandmother, and it was important to my grandmother to have a big "whole family" celebration. So we'd get up early Christmas Eve, be at her house by around 10am, have a big Christmas lunch-dinner, "do Christmas" (gifts) with granny and the aunts and cousins, and leave by 5 or so to be home by 8pm. In your situation, I would not feel obligated to do this, but it could be the compromise solution if you really want time with the extended family while limiting time with Bad Sister.

[abba12]

I was the compliant siblings who would get along. My sister was the loud one with the bad attitude. Even in childhood, that resulted in me doing all the chores because 'its just easier than asking Sister to' (said directly to me) and watching my sister go on special trips with my mum without me because 'she is having trouble at school and needs some extra attention and focus, but you're doing well, you don't need mum as much' (ha! if only they knew)

 

The idea that 'youre better than them' so you should subject yourself to abuse to keep the peace and make everyone else happy is wrong and unfair. I don't stand for it any longer and neither should you. 

[marbel]

<snip>

 

How long has it been since you and Sarah have been estranged?  This is unfair for me  to bring up, but it has a purpose.  My dad and his oldest brother were estranged for several years.  It wasn't entirely one person's fault and frankly it shouldn't have happened but it did and both were (defend ably) put out.   However, I think it caused my GRANDPARENTS the most strain and pain.  This is hurting you and Sarah far less than it is your parents.  It pains them to make choices and it pains them to have the two of you estranged I am sure.

 

<snip>

 

I suspect it does cause the OP's parents much pain, but they are contributing to it themselves. 

 

As for whether they hurt more than the OP, well...

[TammyS]

This made me cry. I just got off the phone with Anna. A direct quote from her: "You are the better person. You have more grace.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Just be honest and say, "You know what?  I really don't. I do not have more grace.  Not today.  Not for this. And even if I did, it doesn't mean that I need to do this over Christmas."

 

The guilt trip is really just unbelievable. 

 

Look, I'm a Christian.  I believe in grace, and forgiveness.  But that does not imply that we need to do everything under other people's terms.  Could you just imagine the implications?  Every time someone treats you badly they could then require you to sign up for a repeat course under the heading of "you have more grace"?!

 

Also, you now have a new piece of information to deal with.  There is a relationship to heal with your sister.  But there is also one to heal with your mother and other sister.  And healing means to SET RIGHT, not to "set in a way to make other people happy and smiley".

 

And there is nothing to say that those things should, or even can be, done over Christmas.

 

I think your sister just confirmed for you that you NEED to stay home.

[TammyS]

  My only question would be, if your parents pass while the estrangement is still ongoing, would you regret not going?  It's a drama queen question, but one worth mulling over.

 

But it's not like the estrangement is going to be healed over Christmas.  At best it can be faked. More likely it will be made worse by the tension of the situation. 

 

What if she goes and her children have to watch while her sister (and probably her other sister and mother, too) treat her abusively?  That's abuse of the children, IMO, and potentially damaging to her ability to parent (because it is very damaging to a parent's authority for children to see other adults, particularly adults they love and respect, disrespect their parents)?  What if she goes and there is a fight and then her parents die?

[TammyS]

This is awful, awful, awful advice.  By posting this you are continuing the abuse that the OP suffers from in her family.  How despicable.

 

 

While I also disagree with her advice, I believe that it was coming from a sincere place of trying to help the OP.  And as Christians we ARE called to bear insults patiently.

 

I think calling her despicable is mean.  She's wrong, but she's not despicable.

[TammyS]

 

Also, am I the only person worried about the teen that Sarah is adopting? Sarah cannot get along with her own relatives, she has a dog that bites people, and she is supposed to care for a teen that has been through a lot???

 

Yeah, it's really weird.  And a tense holiday isn't how I would want to introduce that teen, either.

 

[elegantlion]

What would tick me off is that they took the choice away from you. Stay away and you're the bad daughter, show up and subject yourself the the abuse then you get the pat on the back. 

 

Absolutely you have the right to not go and it sounds like it would be best for all. 

 

They have chosen sides and that might irritate *me* enough to go, be uber nice at dinner, stay in a hotel, and not let them play me. But my son is older, holidays are not that magical around here, and I'm old enough to put up with some discomfort to let people who play games like this realize I *AM* above it all. It's not for me to be flexible, it's for me not to let them dictate what you do on your holiday. You planned on being around family, that is what I would do. 

 

Now I'd have that conversation in my head a thousand times and then probably decide not to go. I hate feeling left out and *for me* it sounds like they just left you out after you made plans. 

Edited November 30, 2015 by elegantlion

[gardenmom5]

While I also disagree with her advice, I believe that it was coming from a sincere place of trying to help the OP.  And as Christians we ARE called to bear insults patiently.

 

I think calling her despicable is mean.  She's wrong, but she's not despicable.

 

turning the other cheek is NOT the same thing as *deliberatly* subjecting ourselves to someone who is going to abuse us.   even anna lays manipulative guilt trips, i wouldn't consider her a dependable safe person.

 

I had an emotionally and pyschologically abusive grandmother.  as I prayerfully sought guidance on how to handle the relationship with her - I had a verse of scripture JUMP off the page at me. bascially -  'we are not required to *subject* ourselves to our enemies'.  and yes, my grandmother was my enemy. she sought to control and destroy my spirit to feed her own ego.

 

OP - with this new revelation that anna lays guilt trips (re: manipulation) - and expect you to comply out of guilt, i would suggest some distance while you figure things out.  it sounds like there is more family dysfunction than you might realize, and that needs to be sorted out so you have your head on straight and don't repeat the same processes with your own children.

 

eta: I consider blsdm advice - extremely naive, out of touch with reality, at best.

Edited November 30, 2015 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

I'm so sorry your family is putting you in this situation.

 

 However, in this situation, she's put you in the position of having to choose, and you chose her. That hurts me. But you've chosen Christmas with her instead of me, and that's the choice we'll all have to live with now."

 

May I tweak?

 

 * you cancelled already made plans* with me,  and "you've chosen Christmas with her".

 

 

says alot about them.

Edited November 30, 2015 by gardenmom5

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry for your pain, OP.  Yes, I would be explicit.  "I care about all of you but it is unfair that even though you acknowledge my sister is in the wrong, I am expected to constantly turn the other cheek and experience ongoing emotional abuse.  We had plans.  You changed them for her.  Would you change them for me?  Or is she more worthy than I am in some way?  I need peace in my life.  I need to be treated with respect by my family.  Since that isn't what will happen at Christmas, we will not be coming.  If everyone wishes to come to our house, they are more than welcome, but we will be experiencing a positive, stress free Christmas at our house, either way.  We are not interested in ongoing childish drama for our holidays."

[8circles]

While I also disagree with her advice, I believe that it was coming from a sincere place of trying to help the OP. And as Christians we ARE called to bear insults patiently.

 

I think calling her despicable is mean. She's wrong, but she's not despicable.

I didn't call her despicable, I think her advice in her post is.

[Tammyla]

Being the better person does not mean you have to subject yourself to disrespect and more abuse.  The whole situation just makes me sad.  On whether I would go or not, the fact that your family had plans with you and then changed them without consulting you...That would make me feel unvalued, loved, respected; and it would be a big reality check / heads up that this is how they will treat you and expect you to take it   because they place your sisters feelings and love above yours.  (My impression from reading is that your (mean-sister isn't the one wanting to makeup, but that your family wants to pretend everything is all good for the holiday.)

 

I should probably delete this post, but I think you should only go if it's what you really want, while realizing that things are going to be the way they are. :grouphug:

[Mimm]

Editing follow up post out...

 

With this information, I wouldn't go, AND I wouldn't bother finding another date to celebrate with people who would ditch me like that. Enjoy your quiet happy little holiday with people who want to spend it with you.

[kewb]

No, I would not go.  It sounds like a toxic situation and I would avoid it al all costs.  You don't have to be the better person and put up with it.

[barnwife]

But it's not like the estrangement is going to be healed over Christmas.  At best it can be faked. More likely it will be made worse by the tension of the situation. 

 

What if she goes and her children have to watch while her sister (and probably her other sister and mother, too) treat her abusively?  That's abuse of the children, IMO, and potentially damaging to her ability to parent (because it is very damaging to a parent's authority for children to see other adults, particularly adults they love and respect, disrespect their parents)?  What if she goes and there is a fight and then her parents die?

 

Interestingly, this is what finally caused the estrangement. When I was 8 months pregnant with our oldest I was the victim of more of her verbal abuse. I was just going to accept it and move on as I always had done. And then I thought, "In a month I will have a baby. Do I want him or her to see me being treated this way? Do I want him or her to grow up believing that it's okay for mom (or him/herself) to be treated this way?"

 

And I put my foot down. When DS was born, I attempted to contact Sarah and let her know. She never responded, despite multiple attempts on my end.

 

Yeah, it's really weird.  And a tense holiday isn't how I would want to introduce that teen, either.

 

The first reaction of many people upon hearing that she was pursuing adoption was "Adopting a what?" 

 

That's out of my control though.

 

Yes, I know this situation causes my mom pain. In fact, Anna laid that on me yesterday too. "Can't you just come to dinner to make mom happy?" (My answer was no.)

 

Again, thanks to everyone who has responded. It's giving me a lot of things to think about before I contact my mom and Anna today or tomorrow.

[Mimm]

The more I read of this thread, the more firmly I would refuse to go and probably take a break from parents and a sister who treat me like I'm expendable.

[Seasider]

Nope. Stay home and make wonderful memories with your own family. Personally, I think it's pretty crummy that everyone bailed on you. Of course your op didn't include why you are estranged from your sis (and it's none of our business), so we can't consider that factor, but unless you're willing to go in carrying a big olive branch, stay home. But if possible, I'd think about doing what I could to make the newest cousin feel welcome.

[Tammyla]

OP...If you haven't read the book BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend... You should read it; it would help you whether you choose to go or stay away.   Many libraries have a copy;  I'd loan you mine if you were nearby. :grouphug:

[SproutMamaK]

I have nothing else to add to everyone's already good advice, I'm just throwing my opinion in to the "HECK NO" camp. There may be a time and a place to work towards healing, but this situation is DEFINITELY. NOT. IT.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 2, 2015 by ^ 022

[Aiden]

Considering the updates--specifically the guilt trips "good sis" is laying on you--I'd not go. Your family probably doesn't mean to hurt you, but they're trying to take the easy way out, not noticing or caring that it's at your expense.

 

I'd start establishing good boundaries with all of them.

 

Boundary one: If you change plans at the last minute to accommodate someone who abuses me, I'm not going along with it.

 

Boundary two: I do not respond positively to attempted guilt trips--my automatic answer when you try to guilt me into something is no.

[Lisbeth]

Team don't go.  Be a model of self-respect.  Let them howl and guilt trip all they want.  If they want to put dysfunction on a pedestal, let them reap the fallout of that choice all on their own. 

 

I refuse to be a prop in the annual "we're just a big, happy, normal family" performance that my MIL wants to put on.  I think she wants to mainly get pictures and "proof" of how happy and together her (scary, scary) family is.  Several family members are actively mentally unstable or not people I want my kids to be around for other behavioral reasons.  So yeah, in her mind I am the "difficult" one who wants to "ruin" her holiday.  The one who refuses to rugsweep often gets more venom and blame than the actual sources of the issues in the family. 

 

I'm ok with that.  "I don't care what you think about me, I don't think about you at all." - Coco Chanel.   Yes, I have a bunch of quotes I use to remind myself of the attitude I want to have with difficult people. ;)

 

[Jyhwkmama]

Interestingly, this is what finally caused the estrangement. When I was 8 months pregnant with our oldest I was the victim of more of her verbal abuse. I was just going to accept it and move on as I always had done. And then I thought, "In a month I will have a baby. Do I want him or her to see me being treated this way? Do I want him or her to grow up believing that it's okay for mom (or him/herself) to be treated this way?"

 

And I put my foot down. When DS was born, I attempted to contact Sarah and let her know. She never responded, despite multiple attempts on my end.

 

The first reaction of many people upon hearing that she was pursuing adoption was "Adopting a what?" 

 

That's out of my control though.

 

Yes, I know this situation causes my mom pain. In fact, Anna laid that on me yesterday too. "Can't you just come to dinner to make mom happy?" (My answer was no.)

 

Again, thanks to everyone who has responded. It's giving me a lot of things to think about before I contact my mom and Anna today or tomorrow.

 

Keep in mind that you don't need to justify your declination of the invitation. An invitation is not a summons and no one owns the control about where you spend your holiday time but you. Go with a form of "that doesn't work for me" or "sorry, but I already have plans here at home". 

 

There is absolutely no need to go there and be a human meat shield, taking abuse. 

[texasmama]

(((Hugs))) OP

 

I support you setting healthy boundaries and refusing to be emotionally blackmailed into being treated badly.

 

If it helps, my family is doing the same this year with dh's family.

[marbel]

Team don't go.  Be a model of self-respect.  Let them howl and guilt trip all they want.  If they want to put dysfunction on a pedestal, let them reap the fallout of that choice all on their own. 

 

I refuse to be a prop in the annual "we're just a big, happy, normal family" performance that my MIL wants to put on.  I think she wants to mainly get pictures and "proof" of how happy and together her (scary, scary) family is.  Several family members are actively mentally unstable or not people I want my kids to be around for other behavioral reasons.  So yeah, in her mind I am the "difficult" one who wants to "ruin" her holiday.  The one who refuses to rugsweep often gets more venom and blame than the actual sources of the issues in the family. 

 

I'm ok with that.  "I don't care what you think about me, I don't think about you at all." - Coco Chanel.   Yes, I have a bunch of quotes I use to remind myself of the attitude I want to have with difficult people. ;)

 

This is so true.  I was always the whistle-blower in my family.   I've noticed that one of my sister's kids is often in the same position.  This is the kind of thing that carries on, generation to generation.  I've made a conscious effort to stop it at me and not let it get down to my children. 

 

[Seasider]

PeachyDoodle, your summary is spot-on. As for why DH wants me to consider it, he is pretty close with his siblings. And he really, truly likes my parents and Anna. He knows that my mom would love to have us all together to celebrate. So he's trying to be a peacemaker, I'd guess.

 

 

 

But it's not his place to be the peacemaker here. After this incident, it will be your mom and Anna who owe it to you to extend the next invitation to reestablish fellowship. That's my take, anyway.

 

From a previous post, you stated:

" This made me cry. I just got off the phone with Anna. A direct quote from her: "You are the better person. You have more grace. So you need to do this."

I have been told that countless times by her and my mom since Sarah and I became estranged. And every time I wonder why they want me to subject myself to her abuse.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have a lot to think about tonight."

 

IF (note big if) your staying away because you're the bigger person results in forward motion to repairing relationships, her statement might have some element of logic in it. But you are being punished for good behavior. Where did that ever get any relationship?

 

It's time you not only declined to go, but don't go down without telling them exactly what you think about their reasoning. It purely stinks.

 

:grouphug:

Edited November 30, 2015 by Seasider

[Carol in Cal.]

Interestingly, this is what finally caused the estrangement. When I was 8 months pregnant with our oldest I was the victim of more of her verbal abuse. I was just going to accept it and move on as I always had done. And then I thought, "In a month I will have a baby. Do I want him or her to see me being treated this way? Do I want him or her to grow up believing that it's okay for mom (or him/herself) to be treated this way?"

 

And I put my foot down. 

 

I had a similar experience, except it was physical.  I have a relative who is hateful toward me to the point of injury, but always with plausible denial and apologies.  I avoided it as much as possible for a long time, but when he forced a hug on me that actually injured my neck so badly that I had to take prescription anti-inflammatories around the clock for 4 days, in front of my daughter, I put my foot down.  I reflected a fair amount on the fact that he doesn't do this to anyone else.  And, predictably enough, the fact that I told him (nicely) not to touch me anymore the next time he tried to hug me made me into the anti-family horrible person for about two years.  Sigh.  It was all a game all along, as is common in such situations, and he played it out in the immoral way that he does everything like that.

 

I'm comfortable letting the chips fall where they may, despite my high priority on extended family, because I'm not willing to normalize that kind of thing to my daughter.

[Lady Florida.]

I'm with those who say don't go. Why subject yourself, your children, and your husband to what you know will be an unpleasant Christmas?

 

 

But it's not his place to be the peacemaker here. After this incident, it will be your mom and Anna who owe it to you to extend the next invitation to reestablish fellowship. That's my take, anyway.

 

 

 

 This is similar to another thread, but in the other thread the poster is the DIL and trying to get her dh to go and make peace. Just as many of us told her she should defer to her dh since it's his family, your dh should defer to you because it's your family.

 

Also, unless I'm missing something you aren't cutting off contact with your mom and other sister. You simply won't visit them while abusive, estranged sister is there. That shouldn't surprise them. If they get angry at you for that it's going to be difficult, but trying to always be the "better person" doesn't mean being a doormat.There is nothing unreasonable in choosing not to ruin your holiday.

Edited November 30, 2015 by Lady Florida

[Rosie_0801]

 It's giving me a lot of things to think about before I contact my mom and Anna today or tomorrow.

 

Keep it brief.

 

If you must contact them at all, that is.

 

Haven't you already said you're not seeing them for Christmas? If so, there's nothing else that needs to be said on your side and nothing you wanna hear from theirs!

[8circles]

Thinking of you, barnwife.