If your kid is "good", you're naive

[Ginevra]

This really bugs me. Anyone else?

 

My 18yo DD is off to the beach with three girlfriends. These young ladies don't trouble me and I am hardly ever troubled by DD's behavior/decisions/choices. They are good-hearted young adults.Do I think it is impossible they might be drinking alcohol while on this vacation? No, not impossible. Not impossible that drugs could be involved, not impossible there are boys stopping over, not impossible that stuff is going on that would curl my arm hair. But I don't think it highly likely.

 

This makes me deluded, though, so says BIL. I repeatedly said, "I am not being that 'not MY kid' mom; but with this child, and these friends, I really don't think anything extremely out there is going on." He just shook his head and insisted ALL teens do these things. (i'm talking like bee r b@ongs, indescriminant boy activity, mary jane toking, etc.)

 

I am not naive. I did things Mom and Dad did not know about, too, but this was TAME stuff. Is it really so impossible that four young ladies on Senior break are pretty much having clean fun together away from home? The first day, DD texted me they were eating crabs and watching a movie - "The Emporer's New Groove."

 

Just really bugs me that people believe there is no such thing as teens having fun without being out-of-bounds ten minutes after they are out of parental view.

 

ETA: fix tag

[Dmmetler]

FWIW, I was that kind of kid, too. They do exist. My APO chapter in college regularly had co-Ed sleepovers in church fellowship halls and camping trips when we were doing community service, with no chaperones. Nothing happened. And what about all those young LDS missionaries? I really don't think most of them are out raising h@@@ as soon as they're out of their parents' sight.

 

I'm not going to say it's a parenting thing, because two individuals have very different impulse control levels, even within the same family, but if you think these girls can handle it-and they've handled freedom in the past, being on vacation together is no different.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

My kid is playing music at coffeehouses and festivals all over my city. I know he's rubbing shoulders with semi-shady characters, but I also know he tends to bump into family friends everywhere he goes, and they say he's behaving himself. I'm pretty sure my son is who he says he is, since he's never claimed to be perfect in the first place.

 

I've got a young friend who is 24 and one of the best blues guitarists in the world, according to his many competition trophies. He travels alone as a musician and claims a pretty moral life, and I believe him, too. His parents and all his many friends trust him for anything; he's just the faithful and good type. Again, not perfect, but clean and sober and a respectable young man.

 

I think your BIL is foolish. Parents lose enough sleep over real problems that we do know about, or dangers we know our kids are playing with. We don't need to make up stuff and mistrust our young adults on principle! Besides, how disrespectful is that. If you tell a person you don't trust them and they'll never be able to please you, soon you won't be able to trust them and they won't even care to try to make you proud.

 

What's the point of raising kids if you can't even enjoy them!

[bettyandbob]

Even if you are naive, it's not BILs place to inform.

 

And your dd is an adult so theoretically your job is done and it does you no good to attempt to control or speculate.

 

Really BIL is telling you that he did these things, that his kids did these things or he flat out expects them too. He probably has the naive belief that he can keep a child who is bent on doing these things from following through. He's naive--they will sneak.

 

Nothing you can say to the guy. Just nod and walk away.

[creekland]

My guys don't go along with the partying crowd.  It's just not something they like.

 

They inherited it from their parents I suspect as neither hubby nor I cared for it either.

 

My dad was positive I'd get into trouble when just hubby and I took a spring break trip together to FL one year.  We ignored him and had a blast "our style" - not one single alcoholic beverage or illegal drug involved.

 

It was the first of our many travels together.  We're still going strong... ;)

[Guest]

My kid is playing music at coffeehouses and festivals all over my city. I know he's rubbing shoulders with semi-shady characters, but I also know he tends to bump into family friends everywhere he goes, and they say he's behaving himself. I'm pretty sure my son is who he says he is, since he's never claimed to be perfect in the first place.

 

I've got a young friend who is 24 and one of the best blues guitarists in the world, according to his many competition trophies. He travels alone as a musician and claims a pretty moral life, and I believe him, too. His parents and all his many friends trust him for anything; he's just the faithful and good type. Again, not perfect, but clean and sober and a respectable young man.

 

I think your BIL is foolish. Parents lose enough sleep over real problems that we do know about, or dangers we know our kids are playing with. We don't need to make up stuff and mistrust our young adults on principle! Besides, how disrespectful is that. If you tell a person you don't trust them and they'll never be able to please you, soon you won't be able to trust them and they won't even care to try to make you proud.

 

What's the point of raising kids if you can't even enjoy them!

The bolded is what I was thinking especially. His oldest child is only 12, but BIL has a small herd of kids to launch - aren't they kind of screwed before they even get there?

[bettyandbob]

I still resent the lack of trust and respect my parents had for me. I never did those things. But they didn't trust anyway. I thought I'd moved passed my hurt, but things have come up in the last couple of years. Like the reasons why my dad used to have a very close relationship with my oldest and how he trashed it all by himself.

 

Your trust makes your relationship with your dd stronger. You've done a good job.

[creekland]

To continue with our "still going strong" bit, here's a pic of the sunset we watched last night (looking west across Lake Ontario - this is the view from inside our cabin, though hubby took the pic out on the front porch).

 

Disclaimer:  We did all stay up until midnight playing games and laughing... so I suppose maybe that could be stretching "trouble" a tad.

 

 

Our morning view... in spite of staying up late, we are still able to get up in the morning!

 

 

If this is "trouble,"  I love it and don't want to change!

 

YMMV

[Guest]

Beautiful, Creekland!

[creekland]

I should note that while that is our morning view, that pic was taken in the afternoon two days ago...  I wasn't mean enough to make hubby run out there and take another pic of the same view this morning.  I am mean enough that he's fixing breakfast though... :lol:

 

(That would mean he's washing blueberries... otherwise we're all just getting our own bagels or toast or whatever else suits our fancy that we brought along.)

[Sk8ermaiden]

The people I know who say things like that - they usually spent their youth getting into trouble. And hanging out with others who got into trouble, so in their very narrow experience, it's a true statement. All teens are waiting for their chance to break all the rules and anyone who doesn't believe it is just like all those adults they fooled when they were younger. 

 

My friends and I never did anything that would have upset our parents too much and we had plenty of opportunity. 

[Guest]

The people I know who say things like that - they usually spent their youth getting into trouble. And hanging out with others who got into trouble, so in their very narrow experience, it's a true statement. All teens are waiting for their chance to break all the rules and anyone who doesn't believe it is just like all those adults they fooled when they were younger.

 

My friends and I never did anything that would have upset our parents too much and we had plenty of opportunity.

Yes, this - he basically said as much. "Oh, you sound just like my buddy 'Matt's' mom. She thought Matt could do no wrong, but he was the worst one!"

[Sunshine State Sue]

Really BIL is telling you that he did these things, that his kids did these things or he flat out expects them too.

:iagree:

 

My guys don't go along with the partying crowd.  It's just not something they like.

 

They inherited it from their parents I suspect as neither hubby nor I cared for it either.

I am not a partyer.  My shady excursions (there were a few) were really quite tame.  Cripes.  I've never even tried weed.  I don't think I've ever even been offered it.  Dh was a partyer in his youth, but that changed before we met. 

 

As far as I can tell, ds is not a partyer.  He's shared some of his experiences with me that surprise and delight and impress me.  He is much more mature than I was at his age.  I fully expect he will have his own shady excursions, and I expect them to be equally tame.  I don't expect him to share them with me, though.

 

Your BIL's experience is not an everyman experience.

 

ETA:  And furthermore, out of my 18 nieces and nephew (youngest ones just graduated high school), there is only 1 who I have concerns about.  The rest have had no problems.

[BlsdMama]

Your BIL makes me sad. He's jaded. I'd hate to be his kid - they might as well be awful because Dad will never believe they're great kids.

 

I was an awful teen. My dad thought I was awesome. Was he deluded? Only a little but his faith in me inspired me. ;)

[Slache]

I'm sorry. Good job on raising such a good kid. It would bother me too. I hate the "wait until they're older". I know they'll be different as teens and there will be more struggles, but that doesn't mean they'll be bad.

[Tanaqui]

What exactly does he think you can/should do to prevent a grown woman from doing whatever the heck she likes? You're not the boss of her anymore!

 

And no, not all teens are like that. When I was still a minor I had no curfew (provided I informed my mother ahead of time) and could do what I liked, and all I ever did with that freedom was stay too long at the bookstore or library sometimes. Whoo, living the high life!

[creekland]

  I've never even tried weed.  

 

Both I and at least two of my guys could have it we wanted to.  Youngest even goes to a "Top 10 for Reefer Madness" school.  We just have absolutely no desire.  It's not a pull/temptation we resist at all.  No desire simply means no desire.

 

Middle son turned 21 this month.  He went out with friends.  I asked him (jokingly) if they had a strip club and/or bar picked out.  He told me they were going to a new (to him) Cambodian restaurant with several unique varieties of tea... that would have to be close enough.   :lol:

 

Not everyone gets the same highs from the same things.  My family gets ours from traveling and laughing - enjoying life via "our" fun stuff.  I'd be wasting my money on weed or oodles of alcohol (or up to date clothing/shoes or new cars/furniture, etc).  That same amount of money can get me to new places for my own travel junkie highs.

 

Some argue that we waste a ton of money traveling.  To each our own for our highs.

[GailV]

FWIW, I was that kind of kid, too. They do exist. My APO chapter in college regularly had co-Ed sleepovers in church fellowship halls and camping trips when we were doing community service, with no chaperones. Nothing happened. And what about all those young LDS missionaries? I really don't think most of them are out raising h@@@ as soon as they're out of their parents' sight.

 

I'm not going to say it's a parenting thing, because two individuals have very different impulse control levels, even within the same family, but if you think these girls can handle it-and they've handled freedom in the past, being on vacation together is no different.

No great insights except that our APO chapter had co-ed trips, and it would never have occurred to me that drinking, drugs and wild sex might happen. Fun, fun group, great memories.

[Hikin' Mama]

My philosophy was that until they have done something untrustworthy, I will trust them. My kids were good teens. Did they ever do something I wouldn't have approved of? Could be. But they never gave me problems in high school, which is probably why I loved the teen years so much. We had pretty open lines of communication and failure was allowed. Good grief, I still fail; I couldn't expect them not to. :) So when they did something, they weren't trying to hide it. For example, when my oldest (he was almost 21 and lived on his own by then) found out his girlfriend (now wife) was pregnant, I was the first person he told. Was I happy about the situation? No. But I'm very proud of how my son stepped up and took responsibility in the situation.

 

I think it's bad parenting to expect wrongdoing on the part of your kids before you're even aware of it happening.

[Mom22ns]

The people I know who say things like that - they usually spent their youth getting into trouble. And hanging out with others who got into trouble, so in their very narrow experience, it's a true statement. All teens are waiting for their chance to break all the rules and anyone who doesn't believe it is just like all those adults they fooled when they were younger. 

 

My friends and I never did anything that would have upset our parents too much and we had plenty of opportunity. 

 

Yep, this.

 

I never did anything my parents would have been too upset about. I lived by my own standards and hung out with others with similar standards. My parents had few rules and gave us very free rein. It wasn't a lack of opportunity that kept me out of trouble.

 

People tend to think their own experience is universal. Not all kids are good. Not all kids are bad. Not all kids are looking for the first opportunity to rebel, but some are. There is no reason to think you are being naive.

[8filltheheart]

Same here.  I am the youngest of 6.  Several of my older siblings were live on the edge type of teens.  Not me.  I am the antithesis of them (still.)  I see the radically different personalities in my own children.  Some I just shake my head and tell them they are responsible for their (poor) decisions.  Others would never even think of doing things their siblings do.  I am not stupid.  I know which kids are which.  

[The Girls' Mom]

I feel like most teens operate well with a level of trust.  My kids know that the freedoms they get are related to the amount of trust I have for them.  Right now, they have a lot of freedom because they have done nothing to cause me to lose trust in them.  They have not been sheltered from the consequences suffered from foolish behavior, both in their personal lives and the population in general.  They are smart kids.  I know they'll test waters and make mistakes, but I don't think they operate on the idea that they need to push every boundary and go wild as soon as they are out of my sight.  I treat them like people that deserve respect, not brats that are out to cause trouble, and in turn they act like people that deserve respect.

My mom never believed a thing I told her.  I was basically a good kid, but she ALWAYS thought the worst.  Eventually, I quit caring, told her what she wanted to hear, and then did whatever the heck I liked.  I drank, was wild, and out to all hours because it stopped mattering if I did or did not...it was assumed I was anyway.

[quark]

Sometimes I wish I had done something small...I don't mean anything hugely crazy. Something small and a little wild just to not be the totally most naive teen in the group. The wildest thing I did was to go on a motorbike with a friend who was a guy to an audition because there was no other available transport and I told my parents that very night.

 

My parents always thought the worst too but eventually let me go and trusted me and it would have seriously affected me to break their trust.

[Guest]

I feel like most teens operate well with a level of trust. My kids know that the freedoms they get are related to the amount of trust I have for them. Right now, they have a lot of freedom because they have done nothing to cause me to lose trust in them. They have not been sheltered from the consequences suffered from foolish behavior, both in their personal lives and the population in general. They are smart kids. I know they'll test waters and make mistakes, but I don't think they operate on the idea that they need to push every boundary and go wild as soon as they are out of my sight. I treat them like people that deserve respect, not brats that are out to cause trouble, and in turn they act like people that deserve respect.

 

My mom never believed a thing I told her. I was basically a good kid, but she ALWAYS thought the worst. Eventually, I quit caring, told her what she wanted to hear, and then did whatever the heck I liked. I drank, was wild, and out to all hours because it stopped mattering if I did or did not...it was assumed I was anyway.

This is my philosophy, too. Unless I see evidence that things are not okay, I am going with the probability that my trust is not misplaced. I am aware that kids can go down a stray path, even with very good upbringing, so I'm not thinking my kids could NEVER go astray, but I do think I know DD well, AND I know the friends well. The liklihood of crazy-bad stuff going on is very low.

 

In my convo with BIL, I finally just said, "Maybe she is (doing those things). I doubt it, but anything is possible." I guess that satisfied him well enough.

[maize]

I wasn't a wild kid.

 

Neither were any of my siblings.

 

My parents seemed to trust us, we made a few minor dumb mistakes, similar to things my parents themselves talked about.

 

Sometimes those were things my parents didn't know about at the time, but they are the kind everyone laughs about when they do come out.

[EmilyGF]

This really bugs me. Anyone else?

 

My 18yo DD is off to the beach with three girlfriends. These young ladies don't trouble me and I am hardly ever troubled by DD's behavior/decisions/choices. They are good-hearted young adults.Do I think it is impossible they might be drinking alcohol while on this vacation? No, not impossible. Not impossible that drugs could be involved, not impossible there are boys stopping over, not impossible that stuff is going on that would curl my arm hair. But I don't think it highly likely.

 

This makes me deluded, though, so says BIL. I repeatedly said, "I am not being that 'not MY kid' mom; but with this child, and these friends, I really don't think anything extremely out there is going on." He just shook his head and insisted ALL teens do these things. (i'm talking like bee r b@ongs, indescriminant boy activity, mary jane toking, etc.)

 

I am not naive. I did things Mom and Dad did not know about, too, but this was TAME stuff. Is it really so impossible that four young ladies on Senior break are pretty much having clean fun together away from home? The first day, DD texted me they were eating crabs and watching a movie - "The Emporer's New Groove."

 

Just really bugs me that people believe there is no such thing as teens having fun without being out-of-bounds ten minutes after they are out of parental view.

 

ETA: fix tag

While I dipped my toes into the bad crowd (especially during junior high - once interviewed with a group of friends at a coffee shop about our drug use to realize that I was the only one who didn't use), I never went any farther because I knew how much my parents trusted me and I didn't want to lose that trust. 

 

I think distrusting (in some occasions) can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

 

Emily

[Kareni]

 

Middle son turned 21 this month.  He went out with friends.  I asked him (jokingly) if they had a strip club and/or bar picked out.  He told me they were going to a new (to him) Cambodian restaurant with several unique varieties of tea... that would have to be close enough.   :lol:

 

Ahh, ... TeA!  Yep, we've heard about that here on the boards.

 

 

My 18yo DD is off to the beach with three girlfriends. These young ladies don't trouble me and I am hardly ever troubled by DD's behavior/decisions/choices. They are good-hearted young adults.

I hope that your daughter and her friends have a wonderful (and safe) trip.

 

Regards,

Kareni

 

[Guest]

Ahh, ... TeA! Yep, we've heard about that here on the boards.

 

 

Regards,

Kareni

 

CREEKLAND! I cannot believe you are encouraging your adult son to sample "unique varieties of TeA" at a "Cambodian restaurant"!

 

 

:D

[Hoggirl]

This is my philosophy, too. Unless I see evidence that things are not okay, I am going with the probability that my trust is not misplaced. I am aware that kids can go down a stray path, even with very good upbringing, so I'm not thinking my kids could NEVER go astray, but I do think I know DD well, AND I know the friends well. The liklihood of crazy-bad stuff going on is very low.

 

In my convo with BIL, I finally just said, "Maybe she is (doing those things). I doubt it, but anything is possible." I guess that satisfied him well enough.

Then I think you are doing it just right!!

[scoutingmom]

Another person with a squeaky clean teenaged past. I had no curfew because I never needed one.I did date someone 10 years older than me, but nothing happened as I didn't allow it.

[creekland]

CREEKLAND! I cannot believe you are encouraging your adult son to sample "unique varieties of TeA" at a "Cambodian restaurant"!

 

 

:D

 

Well, he is 21 now.  It's time he learned about some things in life, right?  I had him give up watching Barney last summer.  It was a little rough, but he did eventually get over it.   :coolgleamA:

[Teachin'Mine]

Ahh, ... TeA!  Yep, we've heard about that here on the boards.

 

 

I hope that your daughter and her friends have a wonderful (and safe) trip.

 

Regards,

Kareni

 

 

Did anyone catch this comparison of s@x with having a cup of tea?

 

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/the-best-analogy-for-sexual-consent/story-fnet0gt3-1227258447745

 

 

I wonder if the blogger got ideas from TWTM!   Great analogy either way. 

[texasmama]

Yes, it bugs me. It smacks of "I know your kid better than you do."  No, I don't think so.  And I am the very opposite of naive.

[Guest]

Did anyone catch this comparison of s@x with having a cup of tea?

 

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/the-best-analogy-for-sexual-consent/story-fnet0gt3-1227258447745

 

 

I wonder if the blogger got ideas from TWTM! Great analogy either way.

Yes, I love that blog post!

[vonfirmath]

This really bugs me. Anyone else?

 

My 18yo DD is off to the beach with three girlfriends. These young ladies don't trouble me and I am hardly ever troubled by DD's behavior/decisions/choices. They are good-hearted young adults.Do I think it is impossible they might be drinking alcohol while on this vacation? No, not impossible. Not impossible that drugs could be involved, not impossible there are boys stopping over, not impossible that stuff is going on that would curl my arm hair. But I don't think it highly likely.

 

This makes me deluded, though, so says BIL. I repeatedly said, "I am not being that 'not MY kid' mom; but with this child, and these friends, I really don't think anything extremely out there is going on." He just shook his head and insisted ALL teens do these things. (i'm talking like bee r b@ongs, indescriminant boy activity, mary jane toking, etc.)

 

I agree with you, NOT your BIL. not ALL teens do those things. Maybe all his friends did, but that says more about the people he hung out with.  I wasn't even interested in doing any of those and the closest the kids I hung out with came to them were when the girls would "rate" the butts of boys (which I thought totally silly). I knew some of it was going around, sure. But it wasn't the majority or something that people even said "I sure wish I could go to that party (with alcohol) but I can't because my parents would find out for sure"  There were just a chunk of kids that were not interested in "having fun" in ways that were going to mess with our mind and thinking.  That didn't even sound like fun.

[creekland]

There were just a chunk of kids that were not interested in "having fun" in ways that were going to mess with our mind and thinking.  That didn't even sound like fun.

 

Going to alcoholic parties, using any sort of recreational drug, sleeping around for fun, all of those had the same appeal as buying and smoking cigarettes to me and the group I hung around with - meaning a "yuck" appeal factor.  We did drive "the strip" once, then looked at each other wondering what was supposed to feel so special about it.  We all voted and went to a house and chatted instead.

 

I went to parties twice, both times wondering why.  I drank until I got drunk (in college) once and woke up the next morning feeling just fine (no hang over), but it seemed like a waste of time (not money as the alcohol was given to me).  I've never felt the need to smoke a thing.  The idea repulses me.

 

I've literally NEVER understood the appeal for any of those things - even having given a couple of them a try.

[FaithManor]

 

 

Middle son turned 21 this month.  He went out with friends.  I asked him (jokingly) if they had a strip club and/or bar picked out.  He told me they were going to a new (to him) Cambodian restaurant with several unique varieties of tea... that would have to be close enough.   :lol:

 

 

 

.

:lol:  :lol: :lol:  This is just sooooo my dd! 

 

Oldest boy's idea of a party is pizza, root beer, and discussing Tokein, Lewis, and the Inklings! C.S. would have liked this kid.

[J-rap]

Your BIL never knew anything else, so he can't imagine anything else.  Too bad. 

 

Just the other day my daughter who recently graduated from college was telling me that maybe she should have done a few "bad" things while she was still in school, since that's about the only time you can sometimes get away with it...   ;)

[shawthorne44]

I heard a related thing the other day in the parent waiting area at DD's ballet class.  The other two mothers in the room said that if you don't "party" when you are a teenager, then you will do it when you are older, i.e. their age. They looked at me like I had three heads (not just two) when I said that wasn't true, that I had never an inclination to do drugs and my drug knowledge comes from TV, mostly Law and Order.  I also never binge-drank or did anything sexually I'd be embarrassed to tell my husband.  

 

My parents were young adults in the late 60's.  They get really annoyed when people say that "Everyone" was doing drugs then.  They didn't, and neither were they hippies.  

[Guest]

I heard a related thing the other day in the parent waiting area at DD's ballet class. The other two mothers in the room said that if you don't "party" when you are a teenager, then you will do it when you are older, i.e. their age. They looked at me like I had three heads (not just two) when I said that wasn't true, that I had never an inclination to do drugs and my drug knowledge comes from TV, mostly Law and Order. I also never binge-drank or did anything sexually I'd be embarrassed to tell my husband.

 

My parents were young adults in the late 60's. They get really annoyed when people say that "Everyone" was doing drugs then. They didn't, and neither were they hippies.

Yeah, one of my SILs makes this "argument," too. She was not involved in the conversation when BIL was talking, but in an unrelated conversation the same day, she was saying something like this. I think she just says this to make herself feel better about the partying her own kids did.

 

This same SIL was also proffering her "wisdom" that once girls are teens, they are instant bitches. Other SIL was agreeing with the inevitability of bitch-morphosis. I remained reticent. Presumably, I am the only person on earth who has a teenaged daughter (been a teenager for eight years now) who has never called or described her this way. ;)

 

Actually, I think words are important. What you choose to call someone or something has a lot of predictive power as to how you will experience them/it.

[Annie G]

It annoys me when people make blanket judgements like that. Maybe because he was doing things as a teen that he shouldn't have been doing he justifies it by saying they all do. And we're stupid for believing it. He said naive but I think he really meant stupid- at least that's how people acted when they said I was being naive about my kids. 

 

Oldest dd did not have sex before marriage.  Everyone told me how naive I was to believe that.   It really made me mad, especially since her younger sister had already engaged in relations with a boy and I didn't freak out and deny that!    

 

 

[teachermom2834]

I think the fact that you acknowledge that it is possible makes you not naïve.  The parents I think are naïve are the ones that believe that no how, no way, is their child ever making a questionable choice.  I find that naïve.  I think it is naïve to believe full heartedly that you get 100% truth, whole truth, nothing but the truth, 100% of the time from teenagers.  I know others will bristle at that but it is just what I have seen play out with my own dc and those around me.  All kids that I think are very good kids.

 

There are lots of good kids.  I don't think it is naïve to believe or state that it would be unlikely or out of character for these kids to be behaving badly.

 

 

 

 

[creekland]

I think it is naïve to believe full heartedly that you get 100% truth, whole truth, nothing but the truth, 100% of the time from teenagers. 

 

Just teenagers?   :lol:

 

I think it starts at birth and ends with death as an overall generalization.

 

But this in no way means all are out doing things they probably shouldn't be...

[elegantlion]

I was a semi-wild child. Ex was 100x worse than me - thankfully we didn't know each others as teens. I'm 48 and my parents might still cringe if they knew some of the stunts I pulled. 

 

Things is, I really think this generation of kids as a whole is different. I read a headline the other day about teens now having less s*x than my generation (can't find it to link it). I know ds is not alone in not caring about getting a driver's license. I think they see the world differently. 

 

I know for ex and I we used ourselves as bad examples and have been honest with ds, such as "because we did x at this age, we are now having to deal with y all these years later." 

 

I'd probably be naive if I thought ds never did something he didn't tell me about, but I know he's not out partying like I did at that age. 

 

 

[teachermom2834]

 

Just teenagers? :lol:

 

I think it starts at birth and ends with death as an overall generalization.

 

Agreed...just pointing out that I do think those parents are naive. I have heard many a parent say that they know their child would never lie. I admit I do think that is naive.

 

I know some really sweet, kind, good girls from a great family. Love the girls, trust them, don't think they would ever party or be reckless. Their mother has told me they don't text boys, aren't allowed to text boys, etc. Well, my boys put their phones on my nightstand overnight and I can tell you- these girls do, in fact, text boys :)

 

I think they are great kids, it just really illustrated to me how parents can be naive.

 

However, the OP does not sound naive to me at all. And there are lots of kids that make good choices. Partying is not a given.

[Bluegoat]

I wasn't a very wild teen.  Most of that didn't appeal to me, and what did seemed like it would be too much trouble to deal with.  Then my parents really would have needed to keep tabs on me.  I was not an open kid - I didn't tell my parents much of what went on and would not have wanted to, I was really very private at that age.  They trusted me anyway though, and i was generally allowed to do most things that I asked with not many questions, even co-ed camping. 

 

There is really a kind of person who is so limited that he thinks everyone wants to do all the things they shouldn't.

 

I kind of think there is a point at which you have to give teens a fair bit of freedom to navigate things.  They are at an age when in many societies they would be starting to work or even marry and have kids, they are ready for a lot more self-determination than they often get and they won't finish maturing if they can't exercise that.

 

My wildest period was actually well after I left home in my early 20's.  But by that time I had had quite a few years of practice and decision making and taking care of myself.

[swimmermom3]

This is my philosophy, too. Unless I see evidence that things are not okay, I am going with the probability that my trust is not misplaced. I am aware that kids can go down a stray path, even with very good upbringing, so I'm not thinking my kids could NEVER go astray, but I do think I know DD well, AND I know the friends well. The liklihood of crazy-bad stuff going on is very low.

 

In my convo with BIL, I finally just said, "Maybe she is (doing those things). I doubt it, but anything is possible." I guess that satisfied him well enough.

 

You sound like a reasonable, balanced, experienced parent. :D

 

It's not naive to acknowledge that things could happen.  A naive parent is the one that insists that their child could never do x,y, or z.  I've lived long enough that I make no sweeping generalizations about my children or my pets or even myself.

 

[luuknam]

Your BIL makes me sad. He's jaded. I'd hate to be his kid - they might as well be awful because Dad will never believe they're great kids.

 

My wife (A) as a teen was sent by her parents to some therapist, because they were concerned about her. So, A talks to the therapist, and then the therapist turns around and tells A's parents she thinks A does drugs (and they believe the therapist). A at that point in time had never done any drugs.

 

Later, for some reason I don't recall, A gets sent to a different (private) school, and since it's the middle of the school year, the kids there assume she got kicked out of her previous school and the stoners figure she's one of them. Guess what... A figures that if her parents already believe she's using drugs, she might as well, so she starts smoking weed. Ironically, her parents never figured *that* out, since she was careful to make sure she got good grades so as to not arise suspicion.

 

Fast forward some and she was dealing drugs (XTC) at raves, and tried all sorts of drugs, including heroin once.

 

Now, I don't want to blame all of that on some false accusations by her therapist and her parents about her being on drugs before she ever tried them, but I doubt it didn't have an impact.

[luuknam]

I heard a related thing the other day in the parent waiting area at DD's ballet class.  The other two mothers in the room said that if you don't "party" when you are a teenager, then you will do it when you are older, i.e. their age.

 

I totally intend to find myself a drug dealer when I'm an octogenarian or so. For now, the only drug I've ever done was half a joint... which paradoxically inspired me to manically clean my room. Until I'm in a retirement home though, I think I'm going to stick with stuff the doctor prescribes and a real pharmacy supplies. I don't want to worry about what some random pill is possibly laced with and all the other nonsense that can happen with illegal drugs. Not worth the risk/hassle.

[luuknam]

P.S. I've had sex with only one person in my life, ever. And I got really drunk only *once*... when I was 19, at my parents' house (legal drinking age there is 16). I guess I'm annoyingly good in those regards.