snickerplum Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Another ballet mom is asking me to take her daughter to Nutcracker rehearsal tomorrow night because she can't find a sitter for her baby who has been throwing up all weekend (and still is, as far as I know). Um... performances are this weekend!! And we're leaving town on Sunday for vacation. I cannot have/don't need sick children. I'm not having my daughter miss Nutcracker because she got germs from a fellow cast member. She could get the whole cast sick, really. And I don't want sick children on Christmas vacation. Been there, done that, bleh. WHAT do I SAY? I'm not going to lie, but it's hard to say, "no, I don't want your get my kid in my van." We live about 30 minutes from the studio, so it's not like she has a dozen moms to choose from... Awkward. Help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Can you Purell her before she gets in the van? I guess I'm just thinking she'll be there with your kid dancing anyway and that babies often get things no one else in the family picks up, at least in my experience. Otherwise, I think you just have to say, I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable doing that and take the consequences. It's a tough spot to be in. If it's like our studio, you can't not come to rehearsal or you'll be booted from the show. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Yeah that's tough. Honestly I'd probably come up with an excuse. We have to go to lunch with m-i-l that day. Need to give cousin ride that day. No room in the van. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickerplum Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 It seems as though it's working it's way through the family. The mom was sick all last week. And I don't want her daughter to have to be recast, but I also don't want my daughter to miss performance because she caught the virus. Grr. If they hadn't been sick I'd do it in heartbeat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Yeah that's tough. Honestly I'd probably come up with an excuse. We have to go to lunch with m-i-l that day. Need to give cousin ride that day. No room in the van. This is what I'd do, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 It's okay to say no. Asking you is probably just the most convenient. If she presses about why... it's okay to say that you really can't afford to knowingly expose your family to a virus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Might you be out earlier in the day and not coming directly from home? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 "Would it be ok if your dd wore a HAZMAT suit before getting in my car?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in OR Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 "I'm not able to help out this time. I hope you all feel better soon." Erica in OR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 It's okay to say no. Asking you is probably just the most convenient. If she presses about why... it's okay to say that you really can't afford to knowingly expose your family to a virus. I agree with the honest approach. I think it is incredibly nervy to knowingly expose another family to a contagious illness, so if anyone should be feeling awkward, it's the other mom, not you. I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to say I wasn't willing to risk my family's health. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
busymama7 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I agree with the honest approach. I think it is incredibly nervy to knowingly expose another family to a contagious illness, so if anyone should be feeling awkward, it's the other mom, not you. I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to say I wasn't willing to risk my family's health. On the one hand I agree but there have literally been dozens and dozens of times that one of my small ones has gotten sick(including a stomach bug) and no one else in the family got the slightest bit sick. It really would be very unfair to keep my teens home from activities etc when the baby is sick. If they start to feel sick then of course. But I can't quarentine the whole entire family for every illness. In the situation described if I asked I would explain that someone was sick at our house and I would totally understand if they didn't feel comfortable. I always give the other family an out and am not offended in the least if they take it. I am more likely to bundle up the sick one and wait in the car as miserable as that is. Sometimes it can't be avoided and it's often the little ones who suffer for having older siblings to run here and there and everywhere. On the reverse side I would probably take the girl. She's going to be at rehearsal anyways assuming the mom finds another way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I'd probably take her and then spray Lysol like crazy or something. But I know some people whose kids get sick too easily. They explain they have immunity issues and decline contact if they know someone is ill. I accept this and don't take it personally. Hopefully your mom friend would do the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I would just schedule myself to run errands before the practice even if it just means going to the library. Then you have the perfect excuse not to take her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 The kid isn't sick. What do you expect her mother to do ? Quarantine her? "Sorry kid, no nutcracker for you bc brother is sick" Who does that? well if I can't find a sitter for the sick one then yeah sorry not gonna make my little one suffer being drug out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If your DD has low immunity issues, she's susceptible in any public place. You aren't cancelling all her outings and rehearsals altogether, or are you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I think she is a little rude to ask, but I'd probably either make an excuse or disinfect my car afterwards. Being in the ballet together is not the same as being in a small space for 30 plus minutes sharing air. That said I get hating to disappoint your kid and in big families someone is always sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Just say no, sorry can't do it... Don't stress with finding a good reason; you have one. You don't want your family exposed and are taking normal precautions to avoid getting sick. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Too bad I don't live near you, I'd give her a ride. We don't often get sick and it isn't something I worry about a lot. I like the idea of hand sanitizer before and after. Chicken soup for everybody for lunch and citrus for breakfast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teresa in MO Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Since this is running through the family, not just the baby, and the fact that with most stomach bugs you are contagious before you come down with symptoms I would say no. There is a difference in your dd being at rehearsal with the girl and being in very close contact in a vehicle. So, "I'm sorry, but that will not work out for me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Yes if it was just the baby who was sick I'd take the girl but since you say its running through the family I absolutely wouldn't. One kid being sick is no call for quarantine. A stomach bug that multiple family members have had and it hasn't run its course yet is a reason to quarantine. I would be honest with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If you want to say no just say no and be up front about it. I can't take the chance of having a sick kid in my van. Not only do we have to get through the performance but then we leave on vacation. She might be upset, but she will understand. But, if the dancer has already had the bug I would take her. Stomach viruses are not spread through the air, so I would have her use sanitizer before she got in the car and it would prob be ok. I have been in the same situation and I did give the kid a ride and no one got sick. Our company travels and about an hour before the leaving time for a show, an email came through from a mom saying she was very sick and could not drive her kid. This is to a performance about 90 mins away. I knew that there wasn't much chance many other people had seen the email due to the timing and no one responded. I took the kid and no one got sick. I figured he was going to be in the dressing room with my son so there was little chance we weren't going to be exposed. But it was ok. Now, this year a flu like virus ripped through the ballet company leaving devastation in its wake. My son missed two performances due to fever, vomiting, bad cough, aches etc. That was spread through the air and they all got it at rehearsals. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If the girl isn't sick, I would insist on hand sanitizer and go ahead and take her. The risk of catching it in the car (as opposed to at the rehearsal) is quite small. If it had been the flu or a cold, I would be more leery since those are spread by droplet (cough, sneeze.) But, that said, we have had very few stomach bugs in our family and none that have run the course of everyone. Are we weird? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 You dd is going to be around this girl at rehearsals anyway, plus all the other children who are, or are on their way to becoming sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I'd add an stop or errand, and then honestly say, "I'm sorry, we have some other things we're planning to do while we're out so we won't be able to take her." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If the girl isn't sick, I would insist on hand sanitizer and go ahead and take her. The risk of catching it in the car (as opposed to at the rehearsal) is quite small. If it had been the flu or a cold, I would be more leery since those are spread by droplet (cough, sneeze.) But, that said, we have had very few stomach bugs in our family and none that have run the course of everyone. Are we weird? No, I think that's normal. I was pretty shocked a few years ago when DH brought something home and I caught it, because I'm usually the one who never gets stomach bugs. That time, none of the kids got it. A few months later, all the kids had something but DH and I didn't. And babies are simply more prone to bugs the rest of us have immunity to, right? I just figure there are so many ways to get sick this time of year, turning down this one request is not going to guarantee anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Stomach bugs seem (to me) to be HIGHLY contagious. In our family, we always ALL eventually get them. I agree that a rehearsal is different from 30 minutes in a van, sharing the same air. You can't control kids -- they cough, touch, tickle, whatever, especially when sitting near each other on a long, boring car ride. I don't think hand santizer would make me feel comfortable enough to do this right before Christmas. Any other time of the year, I'd probably risk it. I'd probably find a way to be busy before the rehearsal, because I'm a wimp like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in OR Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Stomach bugs seem (to me) to be HIGHLY contagious. In our family, we always ALL eventually get them. I agree that a rehearsal is different from 30 minutes in a van, sharing the same air. You can't control kids -- they cough, touch, tickle, whatever, especially when sitting near each other on a long, boring car ride. I don't think hand santizer would make me feel comfortable enough to do this right before Christmas. Any other time of the year, I'd probably risk it. I'd probably find a way to be busy before the rehearsal, because I'm a wimp like that. Agree with this. If it's the norovirus, hand sanitizer is useless. Based on our experience with this going through our family last year, I'd have no interest in risking it right before the holidays and a vacation. Erica in OR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Might you be out earlier in the day and not coming directly from home? This! I would be coming from the other side of town after having something to do that day beforehand. Full disclosure: I have done this before. In my case, I did something to make it true, but it was because I felt weirdly guilty. I have an overdeveloped guilty thing going on...which I have to work through a lot. I think it's not too nice from her end to expose you, potentially - though she probably isn't even thinking about it. So, yeah. Little white lies grease social interactions... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 You can train kids not to touch their eyes, nose and mouth, so that it's just an automatic habit, but in closed quarters in a car, stomach bugs seem to just find a way. Nasty virulent things. We had to do the "no eyes, nose, or mouth" touching reminders with my very allergic daughter, and she was so rarely sick as a side effect, that we just made it a household thing with our other kids. I also follow it. We are rarely sick. My child had the allergies before we started it, so I don't think "hygiene" caused her allergies. I do think antibiotics in the food supply probably did contribute (along with her genetic predisposition.) We are also not otherwise extremely hygienic (ie, we have dust, cat and dog dander, gardening, etc). Sorry to digress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wabi Sabi Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 well if I can't find a sitter for the sick one then yeah sorry not gonna make my little one suffer being drug out You're joking, right? I don't think you understand the level of commitment that is required to participate in any sort of professional production. My kids have been involved in theater and no, skipping a performance for which people have paid $50/seat because a sibling is sick is entirely unacceptable and puts everyone else in a very bad position. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 "I'm not able to help out this time. I hope you all feel better soon." Erica in OR This! You really don't need to give a reason for saying no. It's ok to just say, "I'm so sorry, I can't help out tomorrow." The vast majority of people will graciously accept that without questioning the why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickerplum Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 The kid isn't sick. What do you expect her mother to do ? Quarantine her? "Sorry kid, no nutcracker for you bc brother is sick" Who does that? Well this morning the mom is still sick and another brother making 3/4 of the house sick. Do I expect the mother to punish the daughter for others being sick? No, it's not her fault. At this point do i view her as a ticking time bomb? I sure do. It's making its way through the family. They have family nearby, so I think she's calling them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickerplum Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 I explained to her my thoughts and she understood. Her mother is coming to town anyway, so she might come a day or two early. I don't hide my children from society in order to avoid germs, but I don't purposely bring them in the car. And they're not around each other much at rehearsal. Tonight is costume fittings so they're there at totally different times. I feel good about my choice. Thank you for your thoughts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Those kinds of illnesses are extremely contagious, and I'll bet that the daughter is going to get it worse than the baby (that is typical). If it were me I would say, "You know, I don't think your daughter should go--what if she is carrying this germ and passes it on to the whole cast, right before the show AND right before Christmas? I know it's really rough to have her skip a rehearsal and maybe even the performance, but really, wouldn't you feel terrible if she got sick when she was far away from you, or if she got us and all the other families sick?" BTDT, missed Christmas due to a similarly selfish family who dosed up their kids for a rehearsal, and made everyone else sick. Ugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Well this morning the mom is still sick and another brother making 3/4 of the house sick. Do I expect the mother to punish the daughter for others being sick? No, it's not her fault. At this point do i view her as a ticking time bomb? I sure do. It's making its way through the family. They have family nearby, so I think she's calling them. Well, the fact that it continues to spread changes my earlier opinion. :) Glad there is family nearby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 For those of you relying on hand sanitizer... http://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/show-me-the-science-hand-sanitizer.html?mobile=nocontent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Those kinds of illnesses are extremely contagious, and I'll bet that the daughter is going to get it worse than the baby (that is typical). If it were me I would say, "You know, I don't think your daughter should go--what if she is carrying this germ and passes it on to the whole cast, right before the show AND right before Christmas? I know it's really rough to have her skip a rehearsal and maybe even the performance, but really, wouldn't you feel terrible if she got sick when she was far away from you, or if she got us and all the other families sick?" BTDT, missed Christmas due to a similarly selfish family who dosed up their kids for a rehearsal, and made everyone else sick. Ugh. I get what you're saying but oh man, I think I'd be annoyed if another mom said this to me, as if I can't figure that stuff out or hadn't thought of it already. To me that sounds very condescending and calculated to induce guilt. OP, glad you worked it out. I hope everyone has a successful performance! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 The kid isn't sick. What do you expect her mother to do ? Quarantine her? "Sorry kid, no nutcracker for you bc brother is sick" Who does that? If you know it's working its way through the house (OP said mom had it too), then yes - you absolutely say "sorry sweetie, we aren't going to risk an entire cast of children". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I am a user of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, but they are not as effective as soap and water for norovirus, which is a common cause of vomiting. If it were me, I would just say that I am paranoid about stomach viruses and we're going out of town Sunday. I don't think it is in any way rude or unkind to just be upfront about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I get what you're saying but oh man, I think I'd be annoyed if another mom said this to me, as if I can't figure that stuff out or hadn't thought of it already. I'd say it very kindly but I would also be clear, because it's easy to overlook stuff like this when you're dealing with a couple of sick kids over a period of time. The fact is, stomach flus are VERY contagious and she should not have been considering sending her daughter in the first place, let alone trying to send her in a van full of others who would then be pretty likely to catch it right before their performance and the holidays. That's inconsiderate at best. Usually I would be pretty diplomatic, but this is not one of those times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I'm glad you decided not to take her. I'm sorry the other family is sick, but there was no reason to expose your own family to such a contagious illness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 You're joking, right? I don't think you understand the level of commitment that is required to participate in any sort of professional production. My kids have been involved in theater and no, skipping a performance for which people have paid $50/seat because a sibling is sick is entirely unacceptable and puts everyone else in a very bad position. No not joking from a mom who had a daughter in cheerleading for over 10 years and so sad so sorry my kids health comes before anything else. It puts everyone in a bad position for it to spread the entire team I would think. I cannot believe anyone would compare the health of a child to how much someone paid. I find that unacceptable. I also find it funny that people on this very board will tell a mom who just had a baby they need to rest but a sick child needs to suffer?? That makes no sense. No I would not force my young child in a car sick as a dog so my older child can do something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 One of the best pieces of advice I read was to stop giving reasons/excuses when telling someone no. Just tell them politely no and leave it at that. "Sorry, I will not be available." "Sorry, not at this time." "Sorry, it won't work for me right now." Sorry, I can't." The reasoning for not giving an explanation is because people will almost always think that your reason is not valid and not agree with you. People have different priorities and different levels of comfort in all things. So an excuse for one person may seem stupid for another. Most people won't ask you why you have declined. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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