momofkhm Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 We got a call last night from one of my cousin's. Well, the husband of a cousin and he immediately asked to speak to my husband. No "hi, how are you?" :-) They talked for a few minutes. They are both "marry ins" and have made a connection through the years. It seems his daughter is getting married next fall. And we are invited. My parents won't be. Most of this side of the family won't be. But we will. The actual cousin is one my mom would say she is close to. (They are within 5 years of each other.) M grew up on the family farm. Mom spent summers growing up with the cousins on the family farm. So how am I supposed to say I'm going to M's daughter's wedding knowing mom wasn't invited? It's 10 months away. It' a long time for something to slip. AND they are sending us one of those save the date magnets for the fridge. Mom will be here in that 10 months. I can see it now "I wonder why I don't have one yet?" Awkward! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 So the cousin called and said, "You are invited, but X, Y and Z are not"? I think fridge magnet is the least awkward part of this scenario. Wasn't that a weird call to receive? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Strange. They basically put it on you to explain why the others aren't invited and that's not cool. I could see a return phone call saying, "Hey, you know what - we do appreciate the invite but with it you've put us in a bit of an awkward situation. Do you think, since this is your decision, you could be the ones to explain this to X, Y and Z instead of dropping that in our laps?" the magnet doesn't have to go on the fridge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Sounds like the "could" in your title is optimistic. I like Milovany's response, unless you can just stick your head in the sand altogether. I hope it stood at awkward and doesn't get to painful. Maybe they are just trying to keep the wedding small? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I wouldn't be posting that magnet on the fridge because it sounds like it will only lead to hurting your mom's feelings and be a constant reminder to you that the wedding is going to be awkward. Are you surprised that your parents aren't invited or did this come out of the blue? Because you don't sound surprised so I think you must be aware of some huge rift. I'll be the odd one out and say that unless my parents did something awful to deserve to be excluded from a family event, I'd probably just skip the wedding and send a gift. The bride and groom have complete control over who is and who is not invited- I'm not suggesting they are obligated to invite anyone they don't want there. They shouldn't feel pressured to invite someone just because it's family. But invited guests may also decline the invitation without pressure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I wouldn't be going if my mom would be expecting go, had done nothing to warrant being excluded, and it would hurt her- and I live 1000 miles away from her. I wouldn't put anything on the fridge and make a note to send a gift instead. I also wouldn't bring it up with her and would probably lie about being invited if she did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Hell no, I wouldn't go. :) Love me, love my mom. (Especially if my mom is the blood connection between the bride and me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 We got a call last night from one of my cousin's. Well, the husband of a cousin and he immediately asked to speak to my husband. No "hi, how are you?" :-) They talked for a few minutes. They are both "marry ins" and have made a connection through the years. It seems his daughter is getting married next fall. And we are invited. My parents won't be. Most of this side of the family won't be. But we will. The actual cousin is one my mom would say she is close to. (They are within 5 years of each other.) M grew up on the family farm. Mom spent summers growing up with the cousins on the family farm. So how am I supposed to say I'm going to M's daughter's wedding knowing mom wasn't invited? It's 10 months away. It' a long time for something to slip. AND they are sending us one of those save the date magnets for the fridge. Mom will be here in that 10 months. I can see it now "I wonder why I don't have one yet?" Awkward! Yes, it could be awkward. But it's not up to you to have to explain the reasoning behind someone else's guest list. That's THEIR job if people have questions. Let the hosts handle any awkwardness. If you're asked, just honestly answer, "Gee, I don't know why. Why don't you give them a call?" Now if you do know other people are being excluded from spite or some such thing, that's a different story. I still wouldn't get in the middle of it and wouldn't try to speak for the hosts, but I might politely decline and just send a gift. Hope you get through it with a minimum of headaches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherry in OH Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Are you being invited as a relative, as a friend of the father of the bride, or as someone significant to the bride? If the invitation is as a relative, then it seems strange to exclude most of the family. As a friend of the bride’s father who just happens to be a relative is more understandable. The bride and groom may have allotted a certain number of guests to their parents. Your mom and her cousin may have been close as children, but are they close now? Closer than other friends? If the bride is inviting you, it is because she would like you to be there. I come from a large family. The extended family is not always invited to weddings. Sometimes just the aunts and uncles are invited, sometimes just the close in age cousins, sometimes the whole family, and sometimes none. The bride and groom get to choose the invitees. If they want a small wedding, they can’t invite everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 If you think you will go, you should tell cousin you do not plan to hide your invite from your mother. I don't know if I would do this, but: You could even put the "save the date" hoping she will notice. When she says "why don't I have one of those?" you could say you have no idea why and suggest she call her cousin to find out if hers was lost. It would not be dishonest to say this, because you don't know why your mom is excluded. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I wouldn't assume the bride and groom have complete control. It depends who is paying for this wedding. It may be for the type of wedding they want and can afford, they had to pick and chose and need a hard limit on numbers. That said, I think that's kind of a weird way to pick and chose though knowing that there would be awkwardness. Like my mom has like a dozen aunt/uncle pairs and around 50 first cousins. We invited the aunt/uncle pairs and did not go into her first cousins. That seemed like a clean way to chose. I would also not be answering for the hosts by any stretch. It seems like of course your parents will find out there was a wedding. I'd let that drama unfold with out me. If this were a wedding I'd normally attend, I'd go. If not, I think it's fine to decline too if it will be awkward. There may be more back story we don't know and even the OP might not know the whole story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Are you being invited as a relative, as a friend of the father of the bride, or as someone significant to the bride? If the invitation is as a relative, then it seems strange to exclude most of the family. As a friend of the bride’s father who just happens to be a relative is more understandable. The bride and groom may have allotted a certain number of guests to their parents. Your mom and her cousin may have been close as children, but are they close now? Closer than other friends? If the bride is inviting you, it is because she would like you to be there. I come from a large family. The extended family is not always invited to weddings. Sometimes just the aunts and uncles are invited, sometimes just the close in age cousins, sometimes the whole family, and sometimes none. The bride and groom get to choose the invitees. If they want a small wedding, they can’t invite everyone. This makes sense--that perhaps OP is being invited as friends of the father. I come from a large family too and dh and I decided to have a very small reception--my parents, siblings, grandparents, a few of our closest friends and ONE aunt out of my mother's 7 siblings. Her 2 dc were the only cousins invited. I was closest to them growing up, not to any of the others. (Since the wedding was in my hometown dh's family just couldn't afford to attend. We had a reception in his hometown later.) In contrast my sister and her dh, who also comes from a large family, invited the entire extended family--there were hundreds of guests at their reception. We each did what worked best for us. Maybe this is a case of trying to limit the number of guests and not intentionally trying to offend. OP sorry you're in such an awkward situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 So, I guess the big question is..'Why were you invited?'. It is the cousins daughter right? Just because your mom and the cousin have been semi-close, that doesn't automatically mean she gets invited to the daughter's wedding. It depends on who is making the guest list. I had a very small wedding that I paid for myself. It never occurred to me to handle my invitations based on who my mom was/wasn't close with. I invited the few people in my life who I was closest too and family relations honestly never factored into it. If it was a large wedding with the parents paying, then that would feel very different. You say most of your family isn't going to be included....is that also true for his family? Or is the wedding very one-sided? Are you close with the daughter? I am assuming there was a reason for this, and it can be explained pretty simply to your mom. It is not your duty to do so though, so don't burden yourself with that emotional luggage unless you feel you must get it out in the open to avoid some big secret-holding-stress building up in you. Just don't put the magnet on the fridge and don't say anything until your cousin has a chance to do so. I would even call the cousin who is close to your mom and ask her to call your mom directly, so you mom knows ahead of time and doesn't get blindsided by family chatter of who was invited and who wasn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I don't think it's particularly strange or awkward. It's not like most of the family is invited and your mom is not. I would simply tell my mom that I didn't think they were inviting very many people from that side of the family. If I didn't know why I was included, that's exactly what I would say: Hardly any of the aunts or cousins are invited. I'm not sure how we made the cut! I wouldn't take it as a slight against my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 My prepared answer would be: "I don't know, why don't you ask him/them?" It's not your problem that you got invited, it's not your party. I'd leave or remove the magnet off the fridge, too, especially when mom visits. No need to raise the issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 You just need to go. You do not know why they did not invite the other person. And that is not your concern. If you would otherwise go, then it is wrong to refuse to go unless they invite the people you think they should have invited. You are not in charge of the guest list. When someone refuses to go because another person was not invited, then that someone is trying to force their will on to the guest list. The guest list is their business. And you do not have to put the magnet up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Do you know why your parents aren't invited? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I wouldn't be posting that magnet on the fridge because it sounds like it will only lead to hurting your mom's feelings and be a constant reminder to you that the wedding is going to be awkward. Are you surprised that your parents aren't invited or did this come out of the blue? Because you don't sound surprised so I think you must be aware of some huge rift. I'll be the odd one out and say that unless my parents did something awful to deserve to be excluded from a family event, I'd probably just skip the wedding and send a gift. The bride and groom have complete control over who is and who is not invited- I'm not suggesting they are obligated to invite anyone they don't want there. They shouldn't feel pressured to invite someone just because it's family. But invited guests may also decline the invitation without pressure. I strongly disagree with this. This puts an obligation on the bride and groom to start a family war of he said, she said in fighting over why the parents were excluded. And it could be a simple thing of wedding size. We don't know. But what we do know is that the OP is not paying for the wedding so OP should not assume to have a choice in the guest list. If OP refuses only based on wanting someone else invited, then the OP is the one in the wrong. I have people I do not invite to things. And that is between me and that person. It is not something I should have to air to everyone so that others can "accept" that I won't include them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 We got a call last night from one of my cousin's. Well, the husband of a cousin and he immediately asked to speak to my husband. No "hi, how are you?" :-) They talked for a few minutes. They are both "marry ins" and have made a connection through the years. Right here, you say the two made a connection through the years. Not that it is anyone else's business why the guest list is how it is, if you need an explanation, then I would go with this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I strongly disagree with this. This puts an obligation on the bride and groom to start a family war of he said, she said in fighting over why the parents were excluded. And it could be a simple thing of wedding size. We don't know. But what we do know is that the OP is not paying for the wedding so OP should not assume to have a choice in the guest list. If OP refuses only based on wanting someone else invited, then the OP is the one in the wrong. I have people I do not invite to things. And that is between me and that person. It is not something I should have to air to everyone so that others can "accept" that I won't include them. I have no idea what about my post warranted this response. My response clearly indicated that the OP does NOT have the right to dictate who is invited, nor is it asking for any justification from the bride or groom as to why the OP's parents aren't invited. Being invited to an event does not mean there is an obligation to attend, and I said that in the same situation, I would not attend. You're absolutely right that when you don't invite someone that it's between you and that person. I never said otherwise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I think the call is what made things awkward. If I received that call I'd feel burdened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I have no idea what about my post warranted this response. My response clearly indicated that the OP does NOT have the right to dictate who is invited, nor is it asking for any justification from the bride or groom as to why the OP's parents aren't invited. Being invited to an event does not mean there is an obligation to attend, and I said that in the same situation, I would not attend. You're absolutely right that when you don't invite someone that it's between you and that person. I never said otherwise. Because you said you would skip the wedding unless you had personal knowledge of something bad your parents did. That is wrong and that is an attempt to dictate the list and control it. You would go if the hosts invited who you felt should be invited, you would withhold your presence if the host did not invite those you wanted invited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Because you said you would skip the wedding unless you had personal knowledge of something bad your parents did. That is wrong and that is an attempt to dictate the list and control it. You would go if the hosts invited who you felt should be invited, you would withhold your presence if the host did not invite those you wanted invited. why would that be wrong. You don't have to get in the middle and find out why some people are invited or not. But if getting the invitation and attending is going to hurt mom's feelings more than the personal importance being there for the event then don't go. There's nothing wrong with being support of a friend or family member's feelings and you don't even have to tell anyone that's what you are doing and why. You just say you are unable to go. Done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Because you said you would skip the wedding unless you had personal knowledge of something bad your parents did. That is wrong and that is an attempt to dictate the list and control it. You would go if the hosts invited who you felt should be invited, you would withhold your presence if the host did not invite those you wanted invited. The only control I have is whether I attend or not. And I thought it was clear that I wasn't asking the hosts to change the guest list. Nor am I going to be the one to tell my parents they aren't invited to a wedding. You sound way more upset over this than the OP so perhaps you're reading more into this based on some family history you've death with. My response was just an innocent 'I don't want to get involved with family drama' and attending the wedding of a cousin's child is just not a big deal to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Because you said you would skip the wedding unless you had personal knowledge of something bad your parents did. That is wrong and that is an attempt to dictate the list and control it. You would go if the hosts invited who you felt should be invited, you would withhold your presence if the host did not invite those you wanted invited. I am also one who said I wouldn't go. No where did any of us say that we would call them up and tell them why, so, no we are not trying to dictate who they invite. I would simply RSVP that I cannot attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 When your Mom learns of the wedding I would act surprised that Mom wasn't invited and respond "I have no idea - maybe your invitation was lost in the mail? You'd best call Cousin X and ask!" Then let Cousin X deal with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 If you want to go to the wedding, then go. You are not in control of the guest list, and not responsible for explaining who is or is not invited. If you don't want to go, even if it's because your parents were not invited, then don't go. You are not responsible for offering an explanation to anyone (the hosts or your parents) beyond, "I'm sorry. We're unable to attend." Politely declining an invitation is not controlling, or attempting to control, the host's guest list. (Naturally, declining by saying "If my parents can't come, I won't come," is not courteous and therefore does not meet the definition of "politely declining.") It's simply choosing not to attend the event. It's really no one's business why you chose not to attend. :grouphug: I can see why it's awkward. But really, you just need to decide to go or not go, and let your parents (and everyone else not on the guest list) and the hosts sort out the rest. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 We got a call last night from one of my cousin's. Well, the husband of a cousin and he immediately asked to speak to my husband. No "hi, how are you?" :-) They talked for a few minutes. They are both "marry ins" and have made a connection through the years. It seems his daughter is getting married next fall. And we are invited. My parents won't be. Most of this side of the family won't be. But we will. The actual cousin is one my mom would say she is close to. (They are within 5 years of each other.) M grew up on the family farm. Mom spent summers growing up with the cousins on the family farm. So how am I supposed to say I'm going to M's daughter's wedding knowing mom wasn't invited? It's 10 months away. It' a long time for something to slip. AND they are sending us one of those save the date magnets for the fridge. Mom will be here in that 10 months. I can see it now "I wonder why I don't have one yet?" Awkward! Considering your description of the situation, I am wondering why you would go to the wedding if your mom isn't invited. :confused: My mom's feelings would come first. And I would discuss the situation with Mom, rather than try to hide it from her. Who knows -- she might already know the family can't afford to invite a bunch of people or that there are other reasons that might make perfect sense, and she may not be upset at all if you were invited and she wasn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I don't understand why you would feel the need to hide anything. Your cousin chose to not invite some relatives, so the relatives can address that with her if they want to know why. If you are asked why they weren't invited simply say you don't know why but if they call the cousin I'm sure she has a reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I don't understand why you would feel the need to hide anything. Your cousin chose to not invite some relatives, so the relatives can address that with her if they want to know why. If you are asked why they weren't invited simply say you don't know why but if they call the cousin I'm sure she has a reason. :iagree: I don't know why you would feel awkward at all. You didn't make up the guest list. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I wonder how you know that you were invited but others weren't? Did they say that? Did they give a reason? I never know who else is invited when I receive an invitation or a save-the-date card so I'm assuming that this must have been specifically pointed out. If the reason is one that still honors your mother then I would go (like limited space and you are esp. close to the bride or groom). If the reason is disrespectful of your mother (for example they are harboring a grudge because they don't like her pumpkin pie recipe) then I would decline the invitation. But my mother's feelings are a higher priority for me than a cousin's, so YMMV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
songsparrow Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 From a practical standpoint, if you are the only relatives from your side of the family who are being invited, will you know anyone else at the wedding? Will you enjoy yourselves if you don't know anyone else there (other than the bride and her parents, who you will only see briefly)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 In a close family, this would be weird or awkward. However, if the bride and groom are choosing not to invite people they have to real relationship with, it doesn't seem strange. It may even be preferable to being fake about it and soliciting gifts from people who never speak to you. Go if you want to go. It's a few hours out of one day. No reason to discuss the event with those who weren't invited. There are other topics for conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 We got a call last night from one of my cousin's. Well, the husband of a cousin and he immediately asked to speak to my husband. No "hi, how are you?" This may be culturally strange or rude to you, but it's well within the range of normal for where I live and who I interact with. I don't think there's anything at all odd about his. :-) They talked for a few minutes. They are both "marry ins" and have made a connection through the years. It seems his daughter is getting married next fall. And we are invited. My parents won't be. Most of this side of the family won't be. But we will. The bride and groom can invite or exclude anyone they want for any reason they want and don't owe anyone an explanation. My guess is that it's a smaller wedding or there are challenging dynamics you aren't privy to that caused the limited guest list. Don't worry about it because it really isn't any of your business either way. I'm not saying that in a nasty tone, I'm being matter of fact. The actual cousin is one my mom would say she is close to. (They are within 5 years of each other.) M grew up on the family farm. Mom spent summers growing up with the cousins on the family farm. So how am I supposed to say I'm going to M's daughter's wedding knowing mom wasn't invited? Don't intentionally bring it up but if she somehow finds out and asks you about it or if it somehow slips in normal conversation just say so matter of factly that you were invited and tell her you're going or not going-whatever it is you decide. If you're asked why they weren't invited tell the truth, "I have no idea. You'll have to ask them." It's 10 months away. It' a long time for something to slip. AND they are sending us one of those save the date magnets for the fridge. Mom will be here in that 10 months. I can see it now "I wonder why I don't have one yet?" You're under no obligation to put anything on your fridge for any reason. Don't out the save the date magnet on the fridge. To help avoid awkwardness you can choose to write the wedding date on your calendar and put it somewhere mom won't see it when she visits. You're not obligated to go just because you're invited and you're not obligated to not go because mom and/or other relatives weren't invited. Choose whether or not to go to the wedding based on your relationship to the bride and or groom, your schedule and your finances if those are factors. Don't insert yourself into the bride and groom's or their parent's relationship with your mother and other relatives. Don't get into choosing sides in a quarrel that's real or made up in the heads of those invlved. Frankly, it's none of your business. If you go, go with a happy for the bride and groom attitude and don't spend the whole time thinking about how awkward it is that some relatives aren't there. Be there in the moment enjoying it for what is, not fretting about what it isn't and making pleasant chit chat with whoever the bride and groom did end up inviting. Awkward! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 In a close family, this would be weird or awkward. However, if the bride and groom are choosing not to invite people they have to real relationship with, it doesn't seem strange. It may even be preferable to being fake about it and soliciting gifts from people who never speak to you. Go if you want to go. It's a few hours out of one day. No reason to discuss the event with those who weren't invited. There are other topics for conversation.This is how I feel. Go or not. Don't flaunt it but don't fear it. If your mom needs an explanation, tell her you don't know the whys but she could call the host herself if she must. There are extended family members I know my kids would prefer not to invite to big events because of untrustworthy past behavior. People all the time cull guest lists to keep expenses in line. The host doesn't really owe anyone an explanation. HS Mom in AZ summed it up really well in the post above!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I find it interesting that some people wouldn't discuss the situation with their moms. My mom passed away several years ago, but when she was alive, we talked about pretty much everything, and if something like this has happened, I probably would have called her right away to let her know what was going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 If you want to go, go. If not, don't. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If you're the only relatives on your branch invited, then that means they feel they have a special relationship with you that they don't have with everyone else. Sometimes people have special relationships. It's ok to have special bonds with some people and not others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.