How late would you expect a college student living at home to stay out

[Only me]

My dd is 21 and doesn't usually go out a lot while she is living at home. She of course goes out when she is at college and I don't worry about her. I trust her judgment but for some reason it seems different when she is living at home. Back when I was her age I thought clubs closed at 1 but maybe I'm just old and not remembering correctly lol. I'm pretty sure when I was living at home I would try to be home by 1 or so or occasionally 2 if we went to the city. At college I still think I was usually back by 2.

 

Dd still isn't home and it is almost 3. She was texting her younger sis earlier in the evening but she hasn't heard from her in a few hours. It's foggy out tonight so I'm starting to get a little worried. I know that she's an adult and has the right to stay out late but I'm thinking from now on I would like her to text me if she is going to be home after 2 just out if courtesy and just because she is part of our household. Do you think this is reasonable?

[Lavandula]

I think it's completely reasonable. She is an adult but she's also living in your house, and you set the rules. It isn't hard to send a quick text.

[Colleen]

Hate to admit it, but my oldest, while home from college, has at times not even come home.  Happened twice this week, and I was/am super upset.  Sure, I realize he's used to doing his own thing ~ like you said, when he's at college I can't keep tabs on his whereabouts.  But it's inappropriate when he's living at home to just stay out until all hours or end up sleeping at a friend's house without even contacting me.  It's easy enough in this day and age to call/text/message.  

 

So, to answer your questions:  How late would I expect a young adult to stay out?  Late ~ even all night.  Is it reasonable to tell them to contact you if they're going to be out after a given hour?  Yes, I think it's reasonable.  I also think it's reasonable to expect them not to at times.  Honestly, this is a really difficult in-between stage and as irritated as I get with my son, I can totally see from his perspective that my expectations don't make sense.

Best to you.  

[Only me]

Ug. I remember being her age but i never stayed out past 3 when i was living at home. I was far from perfect but never would have done that to my parents. While at college was different. I just heard from her and they are on their way home but it is 3:15. She didn't text until I finally texted her. Would you be a little annoyed if you were me? She said she was planning on staying at friends. She has always been good about texting before so this is new territory.

[Mrs Mungo]

Well, I would expect any person living in my home that I cared about to keep me aware of their plans, whereabouts and/or well being. It is required as basic respect and politeness. I would expect it of a spouse or an adult sibling or anyone. I text or call my kids when I am running late. Part of being a responsible adult is communicating with people who care about you.

[Lavandula]

If this is the first time it has happened I wouldn't be annoyed - she may have forgotten, or not even realized that you wanted her to text. I do understand being annoyed by that, I just personally wouldn't. Talk to her tonight, or tomorrow about it. I'm sure she'll understand you wanting to hear from her. 

[Colleen]

Well, I would expect any person living in my home that I cared about to keep me aware of their plans, whereabouts and/or well being. It is required as basic respect and politeness. I would expect it of a spouse or an adult sibling or anyone. I text or call my kids when I am running late. Part of being a responsible adult is communicating with people who care about you.

 

Eh, I dunno.  I don't think adults need to keep strict tabs on one another.  It would almost strike me as odd if my son was compelled to check in and tell me his whereabouts each and every time he's gone.  Like tonight, he said they were probably going to go into town to hang out, and that he'd stay the night at a friend's house.  I don't need or want him to contact me with his specific plans, where he's at, etc.  And that's my own son.  I can't fathom expecting such a thing of an adult sibling.

 

If this is the first time it has happened I wouldn't be annoyed - she may have forgotten, or not even realized that you wanted her to text. I do understand being annoyed by that, I just personally wouldn't. Talk to her tonight, or tomorrow about it. I'm sure she'll understand you wanting to hear from her. 

 

I agree.  Now, in my case, my annoyance stems from the fact that my son stayed out one night and then the very next night ~ after I'd told him it wasn't appropriate ~ did it again.  THAT is upsetting, imo.  But in this case, you haven't even chatted about it with your daughter before.

[Only me]

Yes mrs mungo. That is what I'm trying to get her to understand. She has never stayed out past 1:30 or so before while living at home and last summer she always texted if she was going to be later than expected. She knows I would expect it. It's now almost 3:30 so I'm a bit frustrated with her lack of respect for the family. Not only were we worried since it is super foggy out but she will wake the dogs and wake the family when she gets home. Right before she left she said she would keep me posted so she definitely knows we expect a text if she is running late.

 

It's not that I expect to know her every move. If I knew she was planning on staying at friends house it would have been fine but staying out past 3:30 and not texting me I feel isn't right.

[Colleen]

Yes mrs mungo. That is what I'm trying to get her to understand. She has never stayed out past 1:30 or so before while living at home and last summer she always texted if she was going to be later than expected. She knows I would expect it. It's now almost 3:30 so I'm a bit frustrated with her lack of respect for the family. Not only were we worried since it is super foggy out but she will wake the dogs and wake the family when she gets home. Right before she left she said she would keep me posted so she definitely knows we expect a text if she is running late.

 

Imo I think you ~ many of us do this ~ are looking for justification for your upset.  The simple truth is that you wanted to know where she was and wanted her to get home.  Understandable.  I think it's a bit unrealistic, though, to expect a 21 year old to be home at an hour such that they don't wake the dogs & family, isn't it?  I mean, if she'd come home at 1:30 wouldn't the dogs be asleep by then anyway?

[Only me]

You are probably right about that Colleen but I guess dh and I are just new to this. Also on the weekend it's not rare for my other kids to be up until 1 or so. It wouldn't upset me as much at that time but of course by 4 everyone is normally sleeping.

 

I think perhaps my parents had different expectations when I was her age. When I was at home from college I would not come home at 4 am. I knew my dad would probably not fully go to sleep until I got home and he had to work early the next day. At college when she is on her own living in her apartment it's her business when she gets home.

[Colleen]

You are probably right about that Colleen but I guess dh and I are just new to this. 

 

I understand.  My son is only 19 (as of two weeks ago) and I'm already dealing with it.  I don't have the support of my husband and that makes it even tougher to figure out what line to take.  Honestly, I have so much else to deal with, I can't sit here fretting about what time a young adult is or isn't home.  Maybe that sounds harsh, but when he stayed out all night on New Year's Eve, I pretty much decided I wasn't going to spend the next decade of my life arguing the importance of communication with a series of young adult males. ;-)

[Only me]

She is home. We had a good conversation (her choice. I told her that it could wait until morning but she insisted). Part of the problem is that she has always been a goody two shoes so this is definitely new territory. She knows the family isn't thrilled but there was no yelling. I'm sure her brother and sister will give her bit of a hard time since she kept them up. I told her our expectations but we certainly all make mistakes. Thanks for listening :)

[creekland]

I'm with Seekinghim on this except that it's not a "my house my rules" thing, it's just common courtesy.  No matter who leaves and goes somewhere or does something, they let the rest of us know where/what and a rough time that they expect to be home.  It could be hubby heading to a job site, me heading to the grocery store, or one of the kids heading out with friends.  Sometimes plans can and do change, of course, but it's incredibly easy to call and inform everyone else.  It's not an "asking permission" sort of thing.  It's pure common courtesy so others aren't worried about car accidents or merely so we can plan who's going to be here for meals/chores. 

 

I generally sleep through the boys coming home now.  ;)

 

Oh, and my first thought now when I don't hear from them as expected isn't that "something happened," it that their cell phone probably died.  We've been working on the idea that they can use a peer's phone to contact us if plans/hours significantly change.  They're pretty good at it at this point.

 

Glad all worked out well with the OP in the end.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I just go to bed and don't worry but if you want a text you need to talk and make your expectations clear.

[Guest]

I'm with Seekinghim on this except that it's not a "my house my rules" thing, it's just common courtesy. No matter who leaves and goes somewhere or does something, they let the rest of us know where/what and a rough time that they expect to be home. It could be hubby heading to a job site, me heading to the grocery store, or one of the kids heading out with friends. Sometimes plans can and do change, of course, but it's incredibly easy to call and inform everyone else. It's not an "asking permission" sort of thing. It's pure common courtesy so others aren't worried about car accidents or merely so we can plan who's going to be here for meals/chores.

 

I generally sleep through the boys coming home now. ;)

 

Oh, and my first thought now when I don't hear from them as expected isn't that "something happened," it that their cell phone probably died. We've been working on the idea that they can use a peer's phone to contact us if plans/hours significantly change. They're pretty good at it at this point.

 

Glad all worked out well with the OP in the end.

Completely agree. It is so easy to keep family informed of one's whereabouts at this point, it's common courtesy.

[Carrie12345]

I don't like the idea of adult curfews UNLESS late homecomings do disturb the rest of the family.  Dh comes and goes at late/early hours pretty frequently, and we don't usually notice.  The dog barely notices at this point, lol.

But contact is a must, including pre-planning.  A 3am text saying "Decided to crash somewhere else tonight" wouldn't be contact, imo, b/c I'd be asleep at 3.  Saying you'll stay somewhere else BEFORE you leave is communication.  Saying you'll be in by 2 is communication. Being in by 2 is then respect for your loved ones.

 

For some reason, my mother tried to give me an 11pm curfew (same as my 15yo sister) when I went home for the summer. And then got annoyed when I spent most of the summer staying at friends' houses.  Will a curfew kill a young adult? Of course not. But they (I) might be dramatic enough to FEEL as though it will, lol.
(I officially moved out after that summer.)

[creekland]

Yeah, it is probably more common courtesy here as well.  Honestly, my kids are so good that I don't have to resort to the my house, my rules thing.  ( Well, except we did have to invoke that recently with oldest.  He downloaded some program so that he could watch the world cup on the UK streaming.  It masked where you were from.  He told us he did it.  His dad and I were very uncomfortable with that.  Since we are responsible and paying for the internet we asked him to please not do that.   He was a little irritated at first, but agreed and said it was our house so we get to set the rules, but if it was his house...  Then he grinned and said if it was his house he would be paying for ESPN so it wouldn't be an issue.. Since he doesn't have a job, he guessed he shouldn't complain..  He understood and was pretty good natured about it.  He probably can't wait to get back to college where he has access to ESPN all the time.

 

But yes, most things are common courtesy around here as well.  I tell them where I am going.  In fact, oldest checked with me yesterday to see what was going on.  I told him we were seeing Maleficent and then to get my daughter a black dress for her orchestra camp and some teal shirts for youth camp, but I guess he didn't realize how long shopping could take and just wondered where we were.  Grin, we still call my in-laws when we return home from visiting them.  If we don't, they call us to make sure we got home ok!!!!

 

Hmm, well... considering we use Tunnel Bear to watch the Olympics from the BBC and the America's Cup when it's on, I guess your son could come here to watch the World Cup games?  ;)

 

I'm of the belief that important things like that shouldn't be on paid cable exclusively, so have no ethical issues at all going around the system.

 

But back to the original deal - yes - we still call my parents and my in-laws when we return on trips from seeing them (and vice versa).  I think it's human nature to want to know that loved ones are ok after braving roads and highways. 

 

[kewb]

As late as they want. I would expect a courtesy text or call letting me know if they are planning on staying out all night so I don't stay up all night thinking they are dead in a ditch somewhere and I would let them know that was my expectation.

[Tap]

Even when I was growing up in Oregon, bars served until 2:30am and then stayed open until about 3 for people to finish up.  We often went to breakfast after that so getting home at 3:30 or later wasn't uncommon.  LInk to last call times in each state. Some dance clubs will clear alcohol after that and then stay open even later. 

 

DS19 just walked in the door and in is 4:30am.  It is fine with me.  I just ask him to let me know if he is staying the night away from home, which he does quite often. He is pretty good about it, but forgets on occasion. Part of the reason I am not that worried, is that I can always call him if he forgets to call. I do prefer for him to text me, so if I notice he is not home when I wake up in the middle of the night (like tonight ;0/  ), I can just check my phone and know he is safe.

[wintermom]

I think that adult children temporarily returning home from college is a challenge. They haven't exactly moved out to a new residence of their own, but they are transitioning toward that (with many wanting to be out already, and they just can't afford it). Then from the parents' side they don't necessarily want their child out of the house because they enjoy spending time with them again. They want to be gracious hosts, but they don't deserve to be free hotels either.

 

I would imagine that the best thing would be to have the parents of the house specifically state their expectations regarding all sorts of things, and let the adult child decide whether they will follow the expectations or pay for their own place in order to live exactly how they choose (though there are expectations of behaviour pretty much everywhere).  

[mom@shiloh]

Five of my children are grown.  Now that they are used to their independence, they will be sure to let me know when they will be back if they are staying with us for a visit and they go out.  At this point I think that it has nothing to do anymore with the parent/child relationship, it is just common courtesy. I would expect that of any guest staying in my house.  There's a bit of a transition time in there during the college years where the protocol changes from permission to information, but it sounds like you handled it gracefully, op.  

[Haiku]

I would expect her to stay out as late as she wanted.

[Carrie12345]

Even when I was growing up in Oregon, bars served until 2:30am and then stayed open until about 3 for people to finish up.  We often went to breakfast after that so getting home at 3:30 or later wasn't uncommon.  LInk to last call times in each state. Some dance clubs will clear alcohol after that and then stay open even later. 

 

DS19 just walked in the door and in is 4:30am.  It is fine with me.  I just ask him to let me know if he is staying the night away from home, which he does quite often. He is pretty good about it, but forgets on occasion. Part of the reason I am not that worried, is that I can always call him if he forgets to call. I do prefer for him to text me, so if I notice he is not home when I wake up in the middle of the night (like tonight ;0/  ), I can just check my phone and know he is safe.

 

When I was old enough to drink, we'd go to the club that closed at 2, then hop over to the next county that served until 3, lol.

(Being oldest children who could loan cars to younger siblings in exchange for designated driving was awesome!)

And going to a diner afterward was pretty much a social requirement in NJ.

[Hikin' Mama]

My oldest lived here while he went to college and didn't have a curfew. I did ask for a text if he was going to be exceptionally late or spending the night with a friend in the next town over, where he worked and went to school. I just wanted to know he was okay. On the rare ocassions this happened, he complied.

 

My middle one just got home from his first year at college, but he's living away from home right now helping his uncle build a cabin. I would have the same policy for him and did at Christmas time when he was here.

 

A related funny: middle child just got home from college last Friday and I had asked him to send me a text before he left so I would know when to expect him. It's approx. an 11-hour drive. He said, "Mom, I'll send you a letter. No one writes letters anymore." Well, on Monday, I got a little orange post-it note in the mail that said, "I'm leaving now." Ha ha! He keeps me laughing!

 

Hockeybaseballmom, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to send a text telling you about what time you can expect her or if she's spending the night somewhere. Even if I was asleep when I got the text, I would check my phone when I woke up and see that my child was accounted for. If I go somewhere and am out longer than I thought, I call my husband to let him know just as a commom courtesy. I go hiking alone a lot and I always give my mom a detailed description of where I'll be and when I should be back. I do this mainly so that someone will come looking for me if I don't return! :)

[lmrich]

When you late, you call. Or text.

 

That is all. No matter how old you are. No matter what.

[ThisIsTheDay]

. I know that she's an adult and has the right to stay out late but I'm thinking from now on I would like her to text me if she is going to be home after 2 just out if courtesy and just because she is part of our household. Do you think this is reasonable?

 

I wouldn't necessarily agree that she has the "right" to stay out late.  It is your house and your rules (and maybe you're paying for part of her college too).  That would be something that you decide for the people living in your house.  But my answer to your question would be Yes, I think it is entirely reasonable to expect a courtesy text.

 

 

She is home. We had a good conversation (her choice. I told her that it could wait until morning but she insisted). Part of the problem is that she has always been a goody two shoes so this is definitely new territory. She knows the family isn't thrilled but there was no yelling. I'm sure her brother and sister will give her bit of a hard time since she kept them up. I told her our expectations but we certainly all make mistakes. Thanks for listening :)

 

She wasn't home. She did not keep them up.

 

Glad you were able to resolve everything quickly and peacefully!

 

[1GirlTwinBoys]

I had to stay with my mom for a short time when I was 30 and I still had to go by her rules.  At the time I thought it was totally ridiculous, but now that I have children of my own, I will be the same way.  They will always respect my home and my rules.

 

Also, there's an old saying:  Nothing Good Happens After Midnight  :huh: 

[Caroline]

MY 19 year old DS is home from college for the summer. The first week or so, it was really tough. My instinct was to wait up for him to come home, especially the first time he drove downtown to visit his girlfriend at school. We had a storm, as often happens in the evenings in summer. But it all turned out ok. He made it home safely. 

 

He goes out a few nights a week--to visit his lovely girlfriend, to play soccer, to hang out and play Magic, to go to the movies, whatever. I can't stay up until all hours of the night. I would appreciate a text if he isn't coming home at all, just so I don't panic the next morning. He doesn't have his own car, so if we need the car, he has to bring it home. Since DH works from home and I don't work in the summer, we can usually get by with one car, unless the little kids need to be two different places at once. I had to make the conscious decision that I could go to sleep before he got home. He doesn't wake up the household when he gets home late. He also doesn't drink, so maybe that makes things easier?

 

But, I didn't know where he was when he was at school. For all I knew, he was bar crawling around LIttle Five with his fraternity every night. When they road tripped, he let us know. (By the way, who knew that Georgia Tech fraternities have their formals in other states? Not me.) 

 

That is how we handle it at our house. No curfew. A text if he isn't coming home at all, which hasn't happened, yet.

[Murphy101]

Mine don't even stay awake that late bc they have full time jobs.

 

I'd be concerned. Everyone in our house always does the, "I'll be home for dinner or not" and the "I'll be home no later than ___." And we expect a call if they are going to miss a dinner they said they would be here for or be out later than they told us. My dh does it. I do it. Everyone here does it. It's just the considerate thing to do?

[unsinkable]

I had to stay with my mom for a short time when I was 30 and I still had to go by her rules. At the time I thought it was totally ridiculous, but now that I have children of my own, I will be the same way. They will always respect my home and my rules.

 

Also, there's an old saying: Nothing Good Happens After Midnight :huh:

But that's when we gonna let it all hang down, chug-a-lug and shout, stimulate some action, get some satisfaction, find out what it is all about, shake your tambourine, (cuz it's gonna be peaches and cream) cause talk and suspicion, and give an exhibition.

 

That's all good stuff!

[elegantlion]

 

 

That is how we handle it at our house. No curfew. A text if he isn't coming home at all, which hasn't happened, yet.

 

This is my plan if it's ever an issue. I lived as a single adult with my parents for a time (before cell phones) and that was the freedom I had. 

 

My views might differ between 19 and a 21 year old, however. 

 

If he states he'll be home by 1 and changes his mind a text should happen. If he says he doesn't know if he'll be home, then please text if you decide not to come home. I can see him being out all night as he already stays up late and has been known to stay up all night at home on occasion. He's more likely to be hanging at a friends or at the game shop that stays open until 1 am rather than a club. 

 

Also, if he stays here and attends college, the university is 30 minutes away via highway. I'd rather he crash with someone than drive home tired. 

[Caroline]

 

 

Also, if he stays here and attends college, the university is 30 minutes away via highway. I'd rather he crash with someone than drive home tired. 

 

Yes, I would rather him crash with someone than drive home tired.

[texasmama]

As a college student living at home, I had no curfew.  I did let my parents know when to expect me - and when not to expect me.  I think this is a courtesy.  My college girl does not stay out late too much.  She sometimes works late, and she sometimes stays at a friend's house.  She is pretty considerate to let us know her general schedule, but she has a pretty sedate social life.

[AmandaVT]

When you late, you call. Or text.

 

That is all. No matter how old you are. No matter what.

 

When DH is going to be later than expected from work or band practice or out with friends, he calls or texts. Same for me. We were just at my father's house for the weekend last week and I went out to dinner one night and let everyone know what time I was planning on returning. It's polite, IMO, to do so. 

[regentrude]

I want to be informed about plans and want a heads-up that it will probably be getting late. This suffices. I do not need to know a precise time, and I do not set curfews for older teens/young adults - because I will not be awake at those times to enforce them anyway.

 

If I know DD is in the city with friends to see a play it means the earliest they get back into town will be 1am, and they'll probably be sitting and talking and it might be 3am... as long as I know that she is out and planning to be late, I will simply go to bed. Whether she comes at 1am or 3am or 5am is irrelevant, because nobody will be awake at either time.

 

ETA: I do expect a text if she is not coming home until actual morning. Because she is not allowed to drive between 1am and 5am by state law, if she misses the 1am window, she has to stay over at her friend until she is legal to drive again. In this situation, I find a text on my phone upon waking up.

[KungFuPanda]

Wait? The whole family waited up for her? That might be stranger than her being out so late. She probably assumed the whole house was asleep, and didn't want to wake anyone with her texts to report the exact hour of her arrival.

 

I do think that when you live with someone you should tell them when you expect to be home and contact them if the time changes significantly. However, if you've never told her this she just might not know. She'd certainly have no reason to suspect that the whole family would stay awake half the night.

[Night Elf]

My dd is 22 and texts me to check in and give me a guess as to when she expects to come home because she knows I worry. So I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect that from anyone who lives in the house. She rarely stays out beyond 2am though. I keep my cell phone next to my bed in case she texts me.

[creekland]

Wait? The whole family waited up for her? That might be stranger than her being out so late. She probably assumed the whole house was asleep, and didn't want to wake anyone with her texts to report the exact hour of her arrival.

 

I do think that when you live with someone you should tell them when you expect to be home and contact them if the time changes significantly. However, if you've never told her this she just might not know. She'd certainly have no reason to suspect that the whole family would stay awake half the night.

 

I think it's important to remember the circumstances.  This had never been done before.  It's foggy out.  Car accidents can and do happen on a daily basis worldwide.  I personally know people IRL who have been severely injured or killed in them including students and including teenagers of parents I know well.

 

She's not answering texts and had been earlier.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to think, that in this situation, that everyone was concerned and opted to wait up.

 

It's WHY there needs to be common courtesy in a loving family.  ;)

 

[Danestress]

I told my son when he was home from college (and he lived here a year after too), that choosing to be here is choosing to be in a family. So while I never set a specific time, I (and DH) told him he needs to keep in mind the hours that working people with kids keep and to respect the life style we have. I did not charge him rent, and did not consider him totally a free agent to do whatever he wanted. I pointed out that his parents, aunts, uncles, our friends etc would not need to be told to keep normal hours when they are living with a family. If he wanted more freedom he could have gotten an apartment.

 

It wasn't a source of much conflict. We did have to be firm that he either was staying with us or staying elsewhere, but he could not use our home as a base and then be spending nights at his girl friend's place or 'crashing' on buddie's sofas. It happened occaisionally, and occaisionally he stayed out really late. That was ok. But in general, staying/living in our home with young kids was just different than college life. He got it.

 

So I guess I would say that I preferred no 'rules' but needed a general acknowledgement of the principle.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

But contact is a must, including pre-planning. A 3am text saying "Decided to crash somewhere else tonight" wouldn't be contact, imo, b/c I'd be asleep at 3. Saying you'll stay somewhere else BEFORE you leave is communication. Saying you'll be in by 2 is communication. Being in by 2 is then respect for your loved ones.

 

What about fluid plans? I know when I was young, we'd just go "out" and see where the evening took us. I may have planned on being home, but then someone mentioned an after hours club, or decided to go out to eat, or just decided I didn't feel like driving so crashed with a friend.

 

At 21, I certainly didn't have every moment of my life planned out. If they text you at 2 or 3, is that truly unacceptable? Wouldn't you prefer that to not being communicated with at all.

 

I turn my ringer off when I'm ready to go to sleep, but if I wake up for the restroom or anything, I just check for texts. Usually my son will text "I'm home" when he gets here because I sleep through him coming in, but when I wake up I can know if he's in or not. He also may text "staying with ___." I appreciate it and certainly don't give him a hard time.

 

I had LOTS of great fun when I was young, and don't begrudge my kids that same experience. You only live once.

[Crimson Wife]

We lived with my parents for a year when DH was in grad school. I was 26 so of course I didn't have a curfew, but out of common courtesy I did let my folks know when I expected to be back and called if I was significantly delayed. I didn't have texting capability on my phone then, but these days, I'd probably text.

 

ETA: One time we chose to stay at a hotel because I drank on an empty stomach and wound up more affected than I normally would be on a couple glasses of wine. THAT was an embarrassing call but better a bit embarrassed than trying to drive home while tipsy.

[regentrude]

But contact is a must, including pre-planning.  A 3am text saying "Decided to crash somewhere else tonight" wouldn't be contact, imo, b/c I'd be asleep at 3.  Saying you'll stay somewhere else BEFORE you leave is communication.  Saying you'll be in by 2 is communication. Being in by 2 is then respect for your loved ones.

 

But plans can change, because situations can change. The student might realize she is too tired to drive safely, the weather might have turned nasty, or she might have had an unplanned drink. I much prefer that my kid realizes when she is in no fit state to drive safely, decides that staying put is prudent, and feels that she can simply let us know without fearing we get mad.

[mom2scouts]

My 19 year old son lives at home and goes to the local college.  He's not my first adult child and I'm comfortable letting him come and go as he pleases.  I do often ask him his plans as he walks out the door, but they're not always specific and he does check in from time to time.  He's also in the military, so it seems a bit strange to set a curfew for a guy who's considered old enough to be sent to war.

[Caroline]

But plans can change, because situations can change. The student might realize she is too tired to drive safely, the weather might have turned nasty, or she might have had an unplanned drink. I much prefer that my kid realizes when she is in no fit state to drive safely, decides that staying put is prudent, and feels that she can simply let us know without fearing we get mad.

 

I agree with this. I want my kids to make good decisions without fearing we get mad.

[elegantlion]

I agree with this. I want my kids to make good decisions without fearing we get mad.

 

Yes, I'd prefer ds be able to come home, not specifically home when I wake up in the morning. Another caution I have about deciding to drive home at 1 or 3 a.m. is that when bars close (don't remember exactly what time around here). People that have had too much to drink will be getting behind the wheel, like it or not. I'd rather ds not be on the road for the time period all the bars are shutting down. 

[KatieJ]

3 of my 4 kids lived at home for the most part before they got married. I did expect them to keep me informed of their plans and when they expected to be home for the night.  As others have said, it's common courtesy.

To avoid too much worrying on the nights they were going to be out later than I was willing to stay up, we came up with this plan.

 

I would leave a light on in the back hallway. When they got home they turned the light off.   Then I could go to sleep and if I woke up wondering if I had slept thru them coming home, I could just open my eyes and check the light to see if it was on or off.  If it was really late and the light was still on, I could then decide whether or not I wanted to get up and try to contact them.

[MBM]

Years ago when they stayed with us during college summers, our two older kids, who are now in their late 20s and living independently, would call or text to let us know if they would be staying out late or crashing at a friend's apartment.

[ocelotmom]

But plans can change, because situations can change. The student might realize she is too tired to drive safely, the weather might have turned nasty, or she might have had an unplanned drink. I much prefer that my kid realizes when she is in no fit state to drive safely, decides that staying put is prudent, and feels that she can simply let us know without fearing we get mad.

 

Not to mention that young adults with few responsibilities are often rather spontaneous in their planning. I would fully assume that any stated plan would change because, oh, the playground equipment looked enticing, or someone got it into their head that they really wanted to watch a particular movie, or they got told about a party.

 

For me, it comes down to how much I want them to stay at home. If I want an adult child to live at home, I'm going to have to compromise and respect their autonomy as an adult. If they're mooching off me for free housing and I'd really rather they get a job and a roommate and stay at college, then "My house, my rules" is a good tactic.

 

That said, I don't think expecting a simple check-in is unrealistic. I have that rule for DH - if he's out after midnight he needs to send me a message periodically, so I can check it if I wake up and he's not there.

[Joker]

When I was still living at home after high school, all my parents wanted to know was if I would be home at all. I rarely knew a time but if I did I would let them know that. This was before cell phones and they just didn't expect to hear from me and they didn't stay up and wait for me.

 

Mine aren't there yet (my oldest is 14) but I don't think dh or I would expect a lot of checking in.

[Only me]

Wait? The whole family waited up for her? That might be stranger than her being out so late. She probably assumed the whole house was asleep, and didn't want to wake anyone with her texts to report the exact hour of her arrival.

 

I do think that when you live with someone you should tell them when you expect to be home and contact them if the time changes significantly. However, if you've never told her this she just might not know. She'd certainly have no reason to suspect that the whole family would stay awake half the night.

Actually I meant she woke ds up. Ds was asleep but of course woke up when the dogs barked at 4 am. Dh had been sleeping but when he happened to wake up at 2:30 and she wasn't home then he stayed up since he was concerned especially since she hadn't answered her sisters text. Her 19 year old sister has insomnia so to be honest she would be up until 1 or 2 anyway but she was also getting nervous since she couldn't get a hold of her sister. Not sure if she fell asleep but of course the dogs woke her up if she didn't. Me I'll admit I was up. Initially I just couldn't sleep due to other reasons but once dh woke up and asked me if I had heard from dd we were both concerned and then I waited up for her. So I didn't want you to think we were all sitting in the family room waiting for her to come in. It wasn't like that.

 

Really it's a bunch of things all put together that had me upset. She had never stayed out that late before so this was new territory. In the past she would text if plans changed and she would be home later but it used to be a lot earlier. She also said that she would keep me posted if their plans changed so since I didn't hear from her and her sister didn't hear back from her it was a cause for concern. I really don't think that it's about the time since if she had texted us we wouldn't have been concerned. I will admit that in our circumstances her getting home at 4 isn't a good thing. At college she can do it all she wants but waking up the family at 4 isn't really fair. And finally another aspect that I didn't talk about last night is that a friend of hers died in a crash 6 months ago so it's hard for us not to think about that when it is foggy out, it is 4 am and we haven't heard from her. I know we can't protect her and or wouldn't be fair for us to put that on her but under the circumstances her lack of communication worried us even more. It's not about giving a curfew to a 21 year old it's just about common courtesy. If she had texted me to say she would be home at 4 instead of the time we thought she would be home and has been home in the past (1 or so) then I wouldn't have been worried. I would have gone to sleep. Probably would have been a little annoyed with her at 4 am waking everyone up but it would have been a whole different story if she has texted.