What is the point of charging an adult child "rent" if you are planning on "returning" the money?

[unsinkable]

And keeping it a "secret" until she moves out and you give it back? " Oh, here's your money! I was saving it for you all along! Isn't this wonderful?!?" Uh, no, not in my opinion.

 

Either you need the money, in which case you'd spend it.

 

Or you're acting like a secret piggy bank for an "adult" who should be learning to save and budget.

 

So, what am I missing?

 

EDITED TO ADD:

 

I want to hear specifically the reasoning behind TAKING the money, holding it in SECRET and then RETURNING it.

[Amy in NH]

Some teens would be inclined to just blow all their money on frivolous stuff instead of saving for a first/last/security, and then continue living off of mom/dad's good graces expecting not to be thrown out when the time comes.  It is a forced savings account and a way to teach how to budget for rent each month.  I don't know about the "secret" part - but I think it is a good idea to do this as an agreement.

[Wilma]

If it were me, the money saving would not be a secret.

 

I would frame it as: if you were living in an apartment, you would be paying at least $x, so let's start with you setting aside half of that each month, before you do anything else with your money. As you get more hours at work, you can figure out a way to save a little more. That way, when you're ready to get set up on your own, you'll have a nice bit of savings to get you started.

 

It would be coaching, and the money would be in their account, not mine. Also, I would hope that unless there were some unusual circumstances, the kid would be leaving sooner rather than later, and they'd be working towards that independence.

[SproutMamaK]

Or you're acting like a piggy bank for an "adult" who should be learning to save and budget.

 

 

 

My oldest is 9 so obviously I have no horse in this race as of yet, but from what I've heard on here, it seems that the "learning to save and budget" was the point. It puts the child in a position where they learn ways to consistently meet financial responsibilities each month. It's not about the parent "needing the money" (though they sometimes may), but about helping the adult child learn basic financial management skills even if they're not quite ready to be out on their own.

 

From the posts I've seen people make here about it, it seems the "giving back the money later" is largely incidental; it's more of a house warming gift when they do eventually move on, but having it be the same money that was paid out along the weight adds an extra emotional signifiance to the gift.

 

I don't think it's something I plan on doing, I'm just explaining my perception of what I've read here on the boards.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

My oldest is 9 so obviously I have no horse in this race as of yet, but from what I've heard on here, it seems that the "learning to save and budget" was the point. It puts the child in a position where they learn ways to consistently meet financial responsibilities each month. It's not about the parent "needing the money" (though they sometimes may), but about helping the adult child learn basic financial management skills even if they're not quite ready to be out on their own.

 

From the posts I've seen people make here about it, it seems the "giving back the money later" is largely incidental; it's more of a house warming gift when they do eventually move on, but having it be the same money that was paid out along the weight adds an extra emotional signifiance to the gift.

 

I don't think it's something I plan on doing, I'm just explaining my perception of what I've read here on the boards.

 

This is my perception of it as well.

[unsinkable]

My oldest is 9 so obviously I have no horse in this race as of yet, but from what I've heard on here, it seems that the "learning to save and budget" was the point. It puts the child in a position where they learn ways to consistently meet financial responsibilities each month. It's not about the parent "needing the money" (though they sometimes may), but about helping the adult child learn basic financial management skills even if they're not quite ready to be out on their own.

 

From the posts I've seen people make here about it, it seems the "giving back the money later" is largely incidental; it's more of a house warming gift when they do eventually move on, but having it be the same money that was paid out along the weight adds an extra emotional signifiance to the gift.

 

I don't think it's something I plan on doing, I'm just explaining my perception of what I've read here on the boards.

It's not a "gift," IMO.

 

It just all seems so manipulative.

[Danestress]

I can envision a kid living at home and working, but not really appreciating how much money it takes to save money enough to move out, put down a deposit on an apartment, etc.  Some kids are more amenable to hearing from parents on these matters and accepting their guidance and mentoring.  Other kids are resistant. 

 

I can imagine parents being fine with a kid living at home and working, but also feeling that their child needs to be saving money so that this is a temporary situation.  The parents might think that this is the best way - that they really don't want the year (or whatever agreed to period) to be extended, and they also know that if the kid can't afford to move out, a homeless shelter will not be an option they want to push, so a little "forced savings" plan might work best for them and for their family.  Yes, it would be great if the kid had the maturity to already know how to live within his means and save for his future.  It would be great if he or she would work with the parents to make that happen.

 

But people are not necessarily totally mature and reasonable because they have reached a particular birthday.  As is true with younger children, parents often really do know their own children, the personalities and needs, and the family's needs pretty well, so if this is what they think is best for their family, I tend to believe them. If that seems like a mistake for YOUR family, I also believe you.  Some parents really just don't believe that family members should have to pay "rent" so they don't actually want to keep the money and don't actually need the money, but are trying to help the kid live frugally for their own future. 

[vonfirmath]

It's secret so the kid doesn't depend on that. They Really Get Used to spending that portion of their income on rent. Which makes them more able to move out in the end and handle the rent on their own place.

 

The lump sum when moving out can help with new expenses at the place they move into. (And makes the parent feel better about charging rent if they don't really need the money, even if it is in best interest of the child to get used to paying it)

 

 

It's not a "gift," IMO.

It just all seems so manipulative.

 

 

What do you mean its not a gift? If its all secret, the kid paid the money in rent with no expectation of getting it back. The parents don't HAVE to give it back. If the parents choose to give it back anyway, it is ABSOLUTELY a gift.

 

[SKL]

I think the "secret" part of it might be because we really don't know if we're going to need that money at some point.  It would be better not to promise to give it back.

 

The taking part is so that the young adult gets a more realistic view of how much it costs to live / how much free spending money one has as an adult.  Presumably it cuts down on frivolous spending and encourages budgeting.

 

The giving back part might be because some folks don't feel comfortable with the idea of making their kids pay to live in their house.

 

I don't know what I'll do when my kids are that age.  It depends on a lot of things that are currently uncertain.

[SKL]

What if you have a bunch of kids, though - wouldn't the "secret" be out once the first kid gets his money back?  :P

[vonfirmath]

What if you have a bunch of kids, though - wouldn't the "secret" be out once the first kid gets his money back?  :p

 

If the kid talked. ANd if the parent always did things 100% the same with each child.  Honestly, the way the gift is given back the kid may not even realize it was the same money they paid for rent in the first place.

[SKL]

If the kid talked. ANd if the parent always did things 100% the same with each child.  Honestly, the way the gift is given back the kid may not even realize it was the same money they paid for rent in the first place.

 

Well, the parent has no control over whether the first kid is going to talk.  And if he does, and the parent doesn't do the same with each child, then that is likely to get ugly....

[catz]

My oldest is 13, but for a kid that struggles financially making good decisions forcing their hand by making them pay rent/expenses doesn't seem like a bad idea. If it works out later that you could gift a secure young adult a portion of a down payment on a house or something out of rent paid, I guess I don't have a problem with that either. There are more reasons to charge a young adult living at home living expenses other than you can't afford to have them there.

 

I had a brother who was enabled to make poor decisions financially into his 30's and honestly, he's still not the best. He always had plenty of money (or credit) for the latest technology or beer. He lived with my parents for several periods after college, and never contributed a dime to the household by claiming poverty. He and his wife live paycheck to paycheck to this day. I hope not to be in a similar position with my own kids.

 

Different approaches are needed for different kids as they age. Just because a young adult SHOULD be budgeting and saving on their own, doesn't mean some don't need a kick in the pants to get started. I suspect situations like this come up on a kid by kid basis. Not everyone will stay home or move home after college and need a kick in the pants. I was very independent by the time I graduated from college even if I had to live on ramen and share a small apartment with someone.

[unsinkable]

It's secret so the kid doesn't depend on that. They Really Get Used to spending that portion of their income on rent. Which makes them more able to move out in the end and handle the rent on their own place.

 

The lump sum when moving out can help with new expenses at the place they move into. (And makes the parent feel better about charging rent if they don't really need the money, even if it is in best interest of the child to get used to paying it)

 

 

 

 

What do you mean its not a gift? If its all secret, the kid paid the money in rent with no expectation of getting it back. The parents don't HAVE to give it back. If the parents choose to give it back anyway, it is ABSOLUTELY a gift.

I mean the money is not a gift. If the parent was planning on returning the money, the parent was acting as a bank. Do you thank the ATM for its gift when you withdraw your money from it?

 

The "gift" might be "letting" the child live with you, basically rent free for a period of time. But I don't think of that as a gift, because it is a lie and manipulation. The child thought she was paying rent.

[vonfirmath]

Well, the parent has no control over whether the first kid is going to talk.  And if he does, and the parent doesn't do the same with each child, then that is likely to get ugly....

 

Depends on how you raised your kids. My parents don't do everything the same with my sister and I. But we aren't the same people. We're fairly well established adults now and nothing has gotten ugly yet.  They even (gasp) paid more money for my wedding than my sister's (My (younger) sister's wedding came first. My parents were in a better financial state when I got married, 7 years later.)  I know there are other inequities, but not the details and when they have apologized for certain decisions, I've been "there's nothing to apologize for" They treat each of us within the limits of their abilities and our needs.

 

[unsinkable]

I think the "secret" part of it might be because we really don't know if we're going to need that money at some point. It would be better not to promise to give it back.

 

The taking part is so that the young adult gets a more realistic view of how much it costs to live / how much free spending money one has as an adult. Presumably it cuts down on frivolous spending and encourages budgeting.

 

The giving back part might be because some folks don't feel comfortable with the idea of making their kids pay to live in their house.

 

I don't know what I'll do when my kids are that age. It depends on a lot of things that are currently uncertain.

Thanks for the thoughts on the secret part...that is something I can understand a bit.

[Catwoman]

I don't really know. Maybe they keep it a secret because they don't know whether or not the kid will ever be a good money manager, and don't want him to count on getting the money back at a certain point?

 

I'm thinking that they might charge the room and board so the kid learns how to budget his money, and if he shows that he's responsible with it, they gift him the money back at a later date to help him with a big expense, because they know he won't squander it all on something stupid.

 

I don't understand doing something like that with a kid who already knows how to save money, but maybe I could understand it if I had a kid who spent every nickel as soon as he got it, because I might figure the money was safer with me than immediately spent.

 

I'm not sure about the secret part, although after reading all of those articles about Rachel Canning and how she claimed her parents made a lot of financial promises to her and was willing to go to court to get what was "hers," maybe the secret thing makes more sense than I would have previously thought.

 

Again, I'm just guessing here. I never had to pay any room and board, and I don't intend for my ds to have to pay me anything, either, so I'm just sort of thinking out loud about why someone might do it.

[Haiku]

I don't know, because I would never charge my adult child rent, secretly save it, and then return it to them. I would just charge them rent. Period.

[Danestress]

I mean the money is not a gift. If the parent was planning on returning the money, the parent was acting as a bank. Do you thank the ATM for its gift when you withdraw your money from it?

 

The "gift" might be "letting" the child live with you, basically rent free for a period of time. But I don't think of that as a gift, because it is a lie and manipulation. The child thought she was paying rent.

 

Maybe.  I guess it depends on the hearts and minds of the people involved.  I don't doubt a parent who claims that they agreed the child would pay rent, the child did pay rent, the rent became the parent's money, and the parents separately agreed that they would gift that money back to the child eventually, even though it was technically their money and they didn't "have" to. 

[JFSinIL]

Some teens would be inclined to just blow all their money on frivolous stuff instead of saving for a first/last/security, and then continue living off of mom/dad's good graces expecting not to be thrown out when the time comes.  It is a forced savings account and a way to teach how to budget for rent each month.  I don't know about the "secret" part - but I think it is a good idea to do this as an agreement.

 

This.  At least, in the case of my dd, that is.   

If she knew we were (IF we were) saving the money, then she'd take it all less seriously, too.  Why try and save up for first/last/security deposit to move out from parental control when you know the old folks are saving it for you?   I know this is what she'd think, and then spend every penny not going to paying us rent instead of saving it!!!   

 

Now - I wish I did not have to charge rent at all - but with this kid, if we didn't, she'd spend it all on eating out, clothes, concerts, etc.  She'd never save enough to move out on her own.  Of my four kids, this kid is the one we HAVE to charge rent - in fact, we had to make the amount of rent reflect whether or not she took classes (in addition to working full time) at the local community college in order to get her to work on a degree.  If she didn't care to go to school, then she could pay us MORE rent, reflective of what it would really cost her to live elsewhere - or live elsewhere.  Hey - as she has said, she is an adult and can do as she pleases now.

 

Thing is, as I have told her, we parents are adults, too - and can do as we please, too - and it would NOT please us to fully support any adult not attending school at least part-time!  (oh, she so did NOT like that bit!!!!;-)

 

 

My kid sister in S. Calif, where it is more costly for young adults to move out, has let both her adult sons live at home for years, paying their gas and car insurance, not charging them rent - these are MEN either with a college degree and a full-time job or a full-time job and attending college part-time.   Sis has complained she can't get her Visa bill below $6,000 - I hate to think how much interest she pays!

 

Each man has proudly shown off very expensive electronics, guns, suits of armor (one is into battling on weekends with sword and shield) - costly hobbys they can afford since Mommy isn't charging any rent or making them cover their car costs!!!!  The oldest , age 27, JUST moved out - FINALLY! 

 

 

[FaithManor]

I don't know anyone who secretly banks it and then plans on giving it back. I have known parents who didn't need it but were trying to get kids who tended towards impulsive spending and were very poor with money to become responsible. They could have just tossed them to the curb as a life lesson, sink or swim. But, they instead charged rent to help them figure out what it really took to survive on their own. When the time came, if the adult child was acting responsibly and was ready to move out, or had saved enough to move out, they gifted it back or a portion of it though there was never any agreement to do so.

 

I have a friend whose parents made the deal that if their kids were 3.5 GPA students and scored a 24 or higher on the ACT, they would pay the balance of their tuition, room and board, at reasonably priced schools (they gave a range to their kids before college applications went out so their kids wouldn't get their sights set on unaffordable schools) after scholarships and any aid they received was taken off...the dad took on carpentry work in addition to his regular job to beef up their savings during the college years since they were paying out on their kids bills. But, the catch was that the student HAD to graduate in 5 years with their BA/BS unless there was a mitigating circumstance such as a severe health crisis. Otherwise, said adult child had to start making payments to mom and dad to pay the college money back to their retirement accounts. The first two did exactly that and graduated on time, debt free due to mom and dad's ability and willingness to pay. The third went to school for two years, decided he didn't like college life, and dropped out. The two years served him well so he was able to get a decent job, and he over a course of four years, paid his parents. They had been able to increase their retirement funds a lot during those four years and decided that they really didn't want to keep the money, but knew that they were doing him a favor - maturity wise and he had been the on that gave them the most trouble in this department - to make him keep up his end. So, when he got married two years after paying it back, they gifted it to him at his wedding. It provided the down payment for a house.

 

Now that said, we can afford to help our adult children get launched so we won't charge rent to them as long as they are in college or working responsibly towards financial independence. However, we do expect them to be excellent, contributing members to the household. I'm not cleaning up after them, cooking their meals, and turning my life upside down for irresponsible 20 ish year old offspring. I would consider charging them R&B if they needed me to do that in order to help them grow up! I am not sure what I would do with the funds if we didn't need it in the household budget. I could see us saving it, and then maybe gifting it back later when the child is mature and doing the right thing, or saving it in case they should ever have an emergency and need assistance.

[goldberry]

I would be charging rent.  If I needed it, it would be spent.  Otherwise, I might consider saving it for future use.  I figure there will be times in the future she will need help from us, and it would be nice to have that extra put away and it would be available. 

 

It wouldn't be a secret, because I wouldn't view it as "her" money at that point.  If she pays me rent, it is my money.  If I have some leftover to gift her or help her, that's a separate deal. 

 

So I guess, I don't really agree with the "keeping, saving it for them, and gifting it back".  Although the end result MIGHT be similar.

 

My kid will pay a small amount of rent whether I need it or not because that is her responsibility once she reaches a certain age.  It has nothing to do with what I plan to do with the money, that is my choice.

[myfunnybunch]

From the posts I've seen people make here about it, it seems the "giving back the money later" is largely incidental; it's more of a house warming gift when they do eventually move on, but having it be the same money that was paid out along the weight adds an extra emotional signifiance to the gift.

 

This is my understanding as well. I don't see it as a secret; rather, I see it as money belonging to the parents that's being set aside to use at their discretion, including the possibility of giving it to the adult child as a gift later. If it hasn't been necessary to use it for another purpose before the adult child moves out, it's nice to be able to give it as a gift. If it was necessary to use it due to unexpected circumstances or to alleviate the cost of having another adult living in the house, the adult child didn't know that it was being set aside for them in the first place.

 

I also think some parents are uncomfortable with the idea of profiting from their children, especially those starting out on their adults lives.

 

Cat

[myfunnybunch]

If the parent was planning on returning the money, the parent was acting as a bank. Do you thank the ATM for its gift when you withdraw your money from it?

 

I don't know about that. Banks have no emotional investment in helping their customers start their adult lives on a good financial footing. Banks exist to make money. When you pay the bank, the bank has no plan to return it. If the adult child does not know that the parents are planning on returning it, they are not treating or thinking of the transaction as a savings account at a bank. They see it as a payment for room and board.

 

Parents do have an emotional investment in the future of their children. If a family is financially well-off enough to support the adult child even if the child did not pay rent, but feels that it is in the adult child's developmental and financial interest to take on adult financial responsibilities, then surely setting the money aside for the adult child's future is a reasonable use for that money. For example, we set aside part of our exchange student stipends for our children's college funds. I see no substantial difference between doing that and setting aside part or all of a rent payment from my adult child to help further that adult child's future. It's still my money to use as I please.

 

Cat

[unsinkable]

It's the SECRET part I'm wondering about.

 

I understand the rent, the saving, the returning. I don't understand the deception.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I don't know about that. Banks have no emotional investment in helping their customers start their adult lives on a good financial footing. Banks exist to make money. When you pay the bank, the bank has no plan to return it. If the adult child does not know that the parents are planning on returning it, they are not treating or thinking of the transaction as a savings account at a bank. They see it as a payment for room and board.

 

Parents do have an emotional investment in the future of their children. If a family is financially well-off enough to support the adult child even if the child did not pay rent, but feels that it is in the adult child's developmental and financial interest to take on adult financial responsibilities, then surely setting the money aside for the adult child's future is a reasonable use for that money. For example, we set aside part of our exchange student stipends for our children's college funds. I see no substantial difference between doing that and setting aside part or all of a rent payment from my adult child to help further that adult child's future. It's still my money to use as I please.

 

Cat

 

:iagree:  Also, we knowingly put money into the bank so it will be there to withdraw when we need it. In the original scenario, the child doesn't know that money is being set aside for them, so they don't have any expectation of it coming back to them. As far as they know, that money is gone. If the parents give it back rather than spending it themselves, it is a gift to the child.

 

I agree that it IS a manipulation, but I find lots of things in parenting to be manipulation. I wish my parents had manipulated me a bit rather than feeling that I should learn about money issues entirely on my own. I had a job from the time I was 13 on, all the way through college. I was never required to pay any rent or for any of my schooling and I spent every penny I earned on food, clothes, movies, etc. I ended up with $35,000 of credit card debt that took me years to pay off. I definitely learned the hard way, and it's a mistake I'll surely never make again, but it impacted my entire life and still does to this day. If my parents had taken a more active role in helping me learn to manage money, maybe I wouldn't have had to learn that lesson in such a difficult way. 

[Sandragood1]

I lived at home while I earned my BS degree. My parents did not charge me rent, paid for my auto insurance, and helped my buy a car to get to school and my part-time job. However, once I graduated I was charged rent, or room and board, if you prefer. My parents did not need the money.

 

It was less than I paid to rent a room in a group house when I moved out a year later. There was no expectation of receiving it back.

 

When I bought a house a few years later they "returned" it in the form of help with a down payment.

 

I had no problem paying rent. The rule was if you are over 18 and not a full time student you need to contribute to the household financially. I will do the same with my kids.

 

We do our kids no favors when we extend their childhood dependence on us. The clock of their lives is ticking and they are making decisions about their lives. They need to make those decisions based in the real world where they must pull their own weight. Otherwise their choices are skewed.

 

Of course, home is always the place to come for help, when you need to catch your breath, or life has dealt a cruel hit to them. That is not the same thing as being a crutch.

 

Btdt

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

It's the SECRET part I'm wondering about.

 

I understand the rent, the saving, the returning. I don't understand the deception.

 

As others have pointed out, for some kids, knowing about the money being saved for them will be a disincentive to actually learning how to manage and save--like, "Why do I need to put my into my savings account when I know my parents are doing it for me?" If you know your parents are going to bail you out yet again at some point in the future, you may be less inclined to actually change your thinking/spending habits. I was that kid. My parents paid for college in full, even as I was working my way through, even as I dropped classes and had to pay extra for summer classes to make up for it. My dad pointed this out to me but still ponied up the money. Financial lessons were not real to me as long as I knew my parents would save my butt. My parents even offered to pay off my huge credit debt at several points. Thankfully, I was old enough to know better by that point and refused to let them, but it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I was mature enough to do that. 

[trulycrabby]

Well, it might be a "secret" so the kid doesn't hassle or beg for the money in the savings account. Just a guess, as I am not personally in this type of situation with DS20.

[catz]

It's the SECRET part I'm wondering about.

 

I understand the rent, the saving, the returning. I don't understand the deception.

The families I know who've done this haven't started it thinking now I'm going to deceive my adult child. Adult kid pays rent. Parents don't need the money and some or all of it accumulates in an account. Young adult grows up and shows good money management skills and responsibility. Parents decide to gift all or a portion of the money back to the kid for a house, wedding, or education.

 

I also know one family who did something similar, that ended up just needing to kick the kid out no financial strings attached after hemming and hawing over it. I can also see letting money accumulate in an account and having some sort of crises (health issue, job loss) that might force you to tap that money not leaving you in a position to help a young adult with a first house or a fancy wedding. I think parents probably cross these bridges as they get to them. This doesn't strike me as the most horrible deception of all times by any stretch. I just don't see what the big deal is.

 

Ultimately, I would consider any money given back to an adult child a gift and not a given.

[Hyacinth]

I see the two actions as separate issues.

 

You charge rent because some young adults need that financial discipline in preparation for the "real world."

 

You give them a chunk of money at a later date because you want to give them a gift.

[unsinkable]

Well, it might be a "secret" so the kid doesn't hassle or beg for the money in the savings account. Just a guess, as I am not personally in this type of situation with DS20.

I can see this, in a way.

 

But since we're talking about adult kids, wouldn't it be better to deal with learning NOT to hassle and beg?

[Jenny in Florida]

It's the SECRET part I'm wondering about.

 

I understand the rent, the saving, the returning. I don't understand the deception.

 

 

I guess I perceive a difference between a "secret" and a "surprise."

 

It's not something we've done or expect to have any reason to do. However, as I understand it, the idea is to help the young person learn good money management habits, get used to the routine of meeting obligations like rent first, etc. The side benefit is that, if the parents chooses to set aside this extra income from renting space in their home, the parents then have a nice chunk of money that can be given as a gift to the young person at an appropriate time.

 

I don't see if as any different than if I, for example, were to take on a part-time job and, without telling my family member that I was doing so, bank all or most of my paychecks from that job with the intention of surprising that family member with a nice, big check later.

[zoobie]

It's the SECRET part I'm wondering about.

 

I understand the rent, the saving, the returning. I don't understand the deception.

I'm not at this stage, and I have no idea what I would do in practice. In theory, I think there's a difference in the lesson learned by the young adult paying rent/board/whatever it's called with no expectation of return and someone who's only participating in the agreement because of what he will get back out of it.

 

There could be a difference in paying the rent vs making savings payment. No attitude of "well it's my money anyway."

 

There could be a difference in the person demanding the money back early or without upholding his/her end of the deal.

 

The baby birds may be less likely to leave the nest. Hey, it's not costing me a dime to live here!

 

I didn't live at home after leaving the nest so to speak, but I would not have felt deceived if my parents returned any rent/board to me and said, here honey, we are proud of you for finding an apartment and saving up for it. Good luck! To me, that would have been a saving face scenario as well. I wouldn't have wanted to have lived at home, and paying rent would have made me feel better about it. I would've been really uncomfortable with living there and then holding my hand out as I left.

[trinchick]

When I was an adult child living at home (after graduating from college), I paid rent (my mom called it "board") and it was not returned. Frankly, that money was an important part of my mother's budget at the time, and I was glad to help her.

 

If my kids were to live at home after college graduation, I would also ask them to contribute in some way. Thank heavens, DH and I are quite comfortable, and I don't foresee needing them to pay - however, I firmly believe that no one lives for free, even young adults, and they need to get used to contributing.

 

We don't handle our finances in such a way that we would have a pool of money that was the child's contribution (in a separate account or earmarked line item), so I don't think we'd ever give it back to a child, as "Surprise! We've been saving your money for you, now here it is back!" However, having had the additional contributions over a period of time would likely give us additional funds that we could apply to helping said child later on, either through a more generous wedding gift or assistance with a down payment, etc. Note that this would be a gift, not likely even close to the same amount as the child contributed to the household over the duration of her/his residency (could be more or less), and would be completely at our discretion. 

[Tammyla]

I can't really speak for others as to why they keep it a secret, but my guess would be that they don't truly know how long the adult child will live with them, and may need the money at some point. 

 

Something might occur like retirement, illness, or loss of job etc, and they would need it.  Taking it and saving it (secretly) allows the parent the flexibility to return/gift it or to use without feeling obligated and guilty.

 

 

 

 

And of course their adult child may suffer from any number of things and actually need help saving for the future one way or the other.

[Truscifi]

I mean the money is not a gift. If the parent was planning on returning the money, the parent was acting as a bank. Do you thank the ATM for its gift when you withdraw your money from it?

 

The "gift" might be "letting" the child live with you, basically rent free for a period of time. But I don't think of that as a gift, because it is a lie and manipulation. The child thought she was paying rent.

 

I have known two families who did this with adult children. In both cases it was not a guaranteed thing from the beginning that they would give the money back. In one case they kept the money in a separate account to cover any emergencies for that adult child. None came up, so when she got engaged they gave her the money to help cover extra wedding expenses. In the other the adult child paid a small amount for room/board in cash weekly. The mom kept the cash to cover car repairs for the family car the adult child was using, but wound up getting a raise and not needing to use that money. So when the son was ready to move out she gave him the money to buy furniture for his new place. I do think of both of those as gifts, and so did the people receiving them.

 

Even if the parent started out planning to return the money that doesn't remove the learning experience for the child of having to budget and pay living expenses, nor does it obligate the parent to give the child the money if the child makes poor choices. I don't see how it is a lie.

 

ETA - Not the same thing, but dh borrowed money from his parents to buy a refrigerator when we got our first house. They saved the money he paid them back with and used it to buy savings bonds for our oldest. They still used it to benefit our family, and apparently planned to do so from the start since they didn't really need the money. Do you consider that a manipulation as well? (Not asking snarkily, I'm really curious.)

[myfunnybunch]

It's the SECRET part I'm wondering about.

 

I understand the rent, the saving, the returning. I don't understand the deception.

It all comes down intent. I suppose if I was deliberately not telling them for the purposes of not telling them and thought of it as keeping a secret from them, it could be considered deceptive.

 

But I don't share all the details of my finances and financial decisions with my children, minor or adult. I don't see that as manipulative or deceptive. If I choose to set aside money in hopes of helping my adult child in the future, it's my business, no matter where that money comes from. It's still my money to use, whether I choose to give it away, donate it, put it in my retirement fund, go on a fancy vacation, buy ten thousand Chia pets..... I can choose to share or not share that information with my adult child. If I choose not to share that I am setting aside that money for that adult child's future use (or wedding or down payment on a house), that doesn't mean it's a secret any more than if I chose not to share with them that I was saving for a new furniture set or a European vacation. It's my money, my business.

 

There's also a very practical reason for not saying anything: If some kind of family emergency arises, the adult child hasn't been counting on the money and won't be upset if it needs to be used for medical bills or major home repairs or a new car or whatever comes up for the family. IMO, it's the parents' money to be used at the parents' discretion until the moment it's used.

 

Cat

[CAMom]

I'm answering before I read anything else. :)

 

I've thought about doing this. As of now, my college student does not have to pay any rent. We have an agreement with him that he can live here for free as long as he is in school full time.

 

However, in the event that he wants to live here after school, he will pay rent. As of now, I plan to stash that money away without telling him. After all, it's rent and it's my money. :) I don't necessarily need the money (at least not at this point) but I don't think it's helpful to just let him live here for free indefinitely. 

 

Because it's my money, I can do whatever I want with it. If I want to bless him with the gift of giving it to him when he moves out, I think it's great. It would be a gift. I would keep other gifts a secret so why wouldn't I keep this one a secret?

 

If it came to pass that we needed the money or that he became an irresponsible jerk I'd have no obligation to give it back to him. If I told him ahead of time that I was holding onto it to give it back to him, then wouldn't I be obligated to give it back? It would essentially be his money then.

 

I much prefer to consider it my money. Not a savings account for him. But a gift I can give him at some future point. :)

[unsinkable]

Well, thanks, everyone.

 

I think the words matter, as does the intent. And the best way for families to thrive is to be upfront about everything.

 

(BTW, I wasn't in this situation as an adult child...my parents died when I was a teenager.)

[Carrie12345]

It's the SECRET part I'm wondering about.

 

I understand the rent, the saving, the returning. I don't understand the deception.

 

I don't consider it deception.

To me, it seems like a very realistic way to get a young adult to adjust to set monthly expenses while also figuring out their other saving and spending goals.  The concept of "that money is gone toward rent" is very different from "that money is gone until Mom and Dad give it back to me and I already know 25 different frivolous ways to spend it."

I'd rather my children learn the former than screw around with the latter.

(Not that I have plans to do this. Just musing.)

[elegantlion]

IMO it's less secret and more unspoken. It wouldn't be automatic payback because what if they're a lousy money manager. coming from a household where I learned NO money management skills  before I left home, it would be a continuation of the training we've already done. It would be my money, not theirs. If an emergency arose and I needed it, it would be used. The giving of money when they left home would be done as a sign of trust and almost as a passage to adult responsibilities. I wish my parents had done more teaching of financial management instead of just showing me where the emergency checkbook was. 

 

My goal would be that 1. he's already in the habit of paying rent 2. he has an understanding of how his budget may work outside of my house, 3. I recognize him as an adult, and 4. the giving back could be helpful for those unintended expenses that seem to come up when you move out, utility deposits, a can opener, ice trays. 

 

Will I ever be in position to do this? I don't know. Right now if I had extra rent it would go toward expenses, but that may not always be the case (hopefully). 

[Arcadia]

I want to hear specifically the reasoning behind TAKING the money, holding it in SECRET and then RETURNING it.

 

My parents and grandparents did not charge "rent" and the kids (my uncles and aunts, cousins, sibling) leave the nest when they marry.  So it could be anytime from 23 to 30 years old.

However we are expected to contribute financially a comfortable amount when we start working on a permanent full time job even if the parents don't need any money.  So it is not rent since nobody gets "kick out" at 18 and are welcome to stay until their marital home is ready.    I have single elderly cousins who are financially well off and staying in their parents home to take care of their mother (my uncle has passed). I also have single cousins who have bought their homes in their 30s when they don't think they will find a life partner. 

As for holding it in secret and then returning it,  that depends on the family financial situation.  Some of my uncles and aunts are very well off so giving an amount greater than whatever their kid's financial contributions over the years at their kids weddings is easily done. Some are comfortably well off and can return the entire amount if they want to.  Some have insufficient savings for retirement and may or may not be able to return anything back.  

For example, my paternal grandparents needed the money from all their eight kids so my dad gets nothing back and he had expected nothing.  My maternal grandparents were comfortable financially when my mum married and she gets a nice sum back plus extras. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I mean the money is not a gift. If the parent was planning on returning the money, the parent was acting as a bank. Do you thank the ATM for its gift when you withdraw your money from it?

 

The "gift" might be "letting" the child live with you, basically rent free for a period of time. But I don't think of that as a gift, because it is a lie and manipulation. The child thought she was paying rent.

 

The way I look at it is charging "rent" or "board" is just requiring an adult child to be a contributing member of the household and to make sure that they are not taking things for granted.  I could choose to give a similar amount back as a gift as a later date.  Our plan for our kids is that after graduation, if they are not in school full time, they need to be working.  They can live at home rent-free (abiding by house rules for peaceful coexistence) for a year while working full-time in order to save up a nest-egg to become independent.  After a year, they can either move out or pay rent.  (If we were having significant financial difficulties, I would expect them to pay rent sooner.)  I can choose at a later date to give them a large financial gift more or less equivalent to what they paid me.  But I don't look at it as a requirement. 

 

We did the forced savings with their allowance when they were younger so they got the idea of saving.  My kids tend to be very frugal with money. 

[Chris in VA]

It seems to me it's just a bit of grace. I see it as an unexpected and kind thing to do.

[gardenmom5]

I'm answering first so my reply will not be colored by other answers.

 

I know people who have done that.  they want the child to have the experience of paying grown-up bills, and being a responsbile adult.  if they weren't paying rent, or knowing their parents were saving the money with plans to give it to them later, it hardly does anything to develop grown-up maturity/reponsilbity of coughing up a big chunk of change every month like grown ups do for things like rent/mortgage. 

 

they also know how expensive getting started in life can be, and want to give them a little something to get launched (for school, for getting their own place, etc.).

 

ultimately, it is a gift.  the parents do not have to give it to them, they want to.

[Luanne]

My sister-in-law's parents did this.  When she moved out to marry my brother they returned all the money she had paid in rent since she graduated from college.  She was just excited and happy to have the money at a time when she really needed it.  I know she didn't get angry and she had to have known her parents didn't actually need the rent she was paying them those years.

[unsinkable]

Boy, it must really bother people that I value honesty in family relationships.

 

Two one star voters!

[Truscifi]

Boy, it must really bother people that I value honesty in family relationships.

 

Two one star voters!

 

I think it is silly to vote down threads (or up for that matter), but I suspect the implication that anyone who disagrees with you *doesn't* value honesty in family relationships is what bothered those people.

[unsinkable]

I think it is silly to vote down threads (or up for that matter), but I suspect the implication that anyone who disagrees with you *doesn't* value honesty in family relationships is what bothered those people.

But they're lying. That was the premise of my thread. They say they are charging "rent" then they give the money back. That is a lie, an untruth, a deception...pick a word.