Would you want to know?

[Scarlett]

It's difficult to gauge (for me, in this situation) if this is a "minor" thing to this lady or not. One thing I've learned from years on this forum is that what one person sees as major is just meh to another and vice versa.

 

Also, it's not a one time thing. For example he didn't sneak out to *A* football game once. He's going out to all the football games. Maybe this was a poor analogy but i am trying to remain vague. Please don't tear my example apart. :). That's more why I felt she should know. If it were a one time thing there is the whole bad judgment call, moment of weakness thing. Now it's premeditated and purposeful.

This deliberate on going deceit makes me lean even further toward telling. I would be furious with a friend who kept such information from me. And often deceit in one area indicates deceit in another area....you really have no way of knowing how your piece of truth will help her fill in the pieces.

[Scarlett]

Can you get some mutual guy-friend to give the husband a come-to-Jesus talk about intimacy and secrets and healthy marriages? If you can't talk the husband into telling, I would not go directly to the friend with it, and when she finds out I would not let her know that I knew all along. That kind of you-knew-and-I-didn't dynamic just adds an unnecessary layer of stress on top of the stress of not being as intimate with your partner as you believed you were.

 

To me this is another layer of dishonesty on top of the husbands. Not only did my husband keep a secret my friend continues to pretend she didn't now even after I found out.

 

This type of discussion helps me to solidify why I feel the way I do about these issues.

[Dandelion]

Since it's an ongoing thing, I find it really odd that your friend is supposedly in the dark about this while you somehow know about it. Are you sure she doesn't know?

[dragons in the flower bed]

To me this is another layer of dishonesty on top of the husbands. Not only did my husband keep a secret my friend continues to pretend she didn't now even after I found out.

 

If it turns out that there are major negative consequences beyond those caused by the husband's secret-keeping, then it might be appropriate to apologize to your friend for not protecting her when you had the chance. But what are the consequences of hiding from her that you knew? None. None except preventing one more layer of hurt.

 

I went the total raw tell-everything honesty route once, after I'd done something hurtful. After I'd told the main thing, there were some extra details left to tell. I did tell those details, but I was telling just to tell, just to get out of the secrecy place. And all those were perceived as unnecessarily hurtful; they were received not as a total coming-clean but as spiteful extras thrown in just to jab. Yes, being open, honest and direct is an important thing, and yes, I hold to that whole be-an-open-book principle dearly, but it is important when dealing with hurt people to discern what revelations are necessary and which are rubbing their noses in it.

 

[Word Nerd]

I'm really curious how you know all about this secret with such certainty but his wife does not, and I would imagine that she would wonder the same thing. I'm not sure what I would do in this situation.

[Scarlett]

If it turns out that there are major negative consequences beyond those caused by the husband's secret-keeping, then it might be appropriate to apologize to your friend for not protecting her when you had the chance. But what are the consequences of hiding from her that you knew? None. None except preventing one more layer of hurt.

 

I went the total raw tell-everything honesty route once, after I'd done something hurtful. After I'd told the main thing, there were some extra details left to tell. I did tell those details, but I was telling just to tell, just to get out of the secrecy place. And all those were perceived as unnecessarily hurtful; they were received not as a total coming-clean but as spiteful extras thrown in just to jab. Yes, being open, honest and direct is an important thing, and yes, I hold to that whole be-an-open-book principle dearly, but it is important when dealing with hurt people to discern what revelations are necessary and which are rubbing their noses in it.

 

I agree telling everything you think feel or know isn't always necessary. But with husbands and wives I DO think there should be no secrets.

 

I am going through a situation right now where I know things that would hurt my good friend.....but it has to do with actions of her in laws....and it is nothing directly against my friend.....and she knows the overall attitude of her in laws....so telling her ongoing incidents would not be helpful.

 

But if her husband was doing the same thing....I would tell her in a heartbeat.

[plain jane]

I'm really curious how you know all about this secret with such certainty but his wife does not, and I would imagine that she would wonder the same thing. I'm not sure what I would do in this situation.

Honestly, it's just because you don't know the whole story. If you knew the whole story you wouldn't bat an eye as to how I know. It sounds way worse because I am purposely being vague and withholding details.

 

I bear no ill will towards this couple, quite to the contrary, and I am not involved at all in what is going on. I just happen to be in the know.

 

I'm not angry with *what* the dh is doing. I'm more disgusted by the secrecy of it and the reason behind the secrecy. I don't really want my friend to know. It will hurt her. I know this much. I don't know if she would want to be told. I know I would but everyone is different. Plus it's easier to ask advice on a forum of people who have no friendship or connection with the people.

[plain jane]

Since it's an ongoing thing, I find it really odd that your friend is supposedly in the dark about this while you somehow know about it. Are you sure she doesn't know?

I'm not certain she doesn't know. :)

[Tap]

I would try to determine if it was a 'personal choice issue' or a 'marriage issue' and decide where I wanted to go from there.

 

To me:

A personal choice issue is something like a vegetarian eating an occasional hamburger, an ex-smoker having a cigarette, a dieter eating inappropriately, someone oogling a person other than their SO.... , seeking knowledge about an opposing point of view  (reading books from a different faith/ reading literature on an opposing candidate in an election), withholding the true about a serious situation but no one was hurt (got an expensive speeding ticket etc)

 

A marriage issue would be spending larger amounts of mutual money inappropriately and in an ongoing manner (ie gambling, partying, shopping, donations etc). Having a issue where a court case would be involved. Infidelity based on the belief system of either party in the marriage (some would only consider that sex, others would consider p*rn/strip clubs in this).  A major internal compass change like person having changed faiths, jobs, political affiliations (only major ones), schools, etc.  Alcoholic/addict starting up old habits or hanging out with old buddies/old locations.

 

 

 

If you are considering telling, I would be very careful and consider how confident you are in the knowledge. I have been told things about dh before that people 'knew were true' and they were false.  Dh is a person with a common look about him.  He looks like a common business man 6", 180lbs, sandy hair, medium complexion, short hair. I have even had to do a double take sometimes thinking I see him out in public, and then realize it isn't him.  My own sister once told me he was 'having dinner with another woman, when he was with me and we weren't at that restaurant.  I have this happen every couple of years, where someone tells me my husband was up to something, when I know he was not. I am used to it and I don't hold it against the person who tells me. 

 

 (making up a gambling situation) If I was going to tell I would likely approach it from a 'I am not wanting to cause any trouble, but sometimes I see this guy that looks a lot like Robert going into the Poker hall across the street from my work, on what I assume is his lunch.  I have not talked to this person so I don't know more details than that. I have no idea if this person is gambling or just visiting a friend, but I just wanted you to know because of Roberts previous issues with gabling".    It allows for the assumption of innocence.  It allows for the wife to say that she already knows.  It allows the information to be presented in a non-accusing way, but still be said.

 

If I ran into my friends husband who is an alcoholic buying a 6 pack.  I would go to her and say "did Robert say we saw each other at the corner market the other day?"  and let the conversation go from there.

 

 

[Farrar]

Like others are saying, if it's about money (more than just a small amount for whatever activity this is, but a significant spend), addiction, or anything illegal or clearly immoral, then I'd definitely tell.  If it's something that is pretty run of the mill, but you know your friend dislikes it (say, indulging in regular sweets or playing very small stakes poker with friends or something along those lines which some people disapprove of) or involves an ongoing relationship (not an affair, but a friendship) with someone she dislikes, I might just let it go and not stir the pot.

[gardenmom5]

It's difficult to gauge (for me, in this situation) if this is a "minor" thing to this lady or not. One thing I've learned from years on this forum is that what one person sees as major is just meh to another and vice versa.

 

Also, it's not a one time thing. For example he didn't sneak out to *A* football game once. He's going out to all the football games. Maybe this was a poor analogy but i am trying to remain vague. Please don't tear my example apart. :). That's more why I felt she should know. If it were a one time thing there is the whole bad judgment call, moment of weakness thing. Now it's premeditated and purposeful.

 

is it illegal or immoral?  there are legal things that can still end up very destructive.  drugs, gambling, porn, etc.  those should be told.

 

is it something that could end with them losing their house?  Is it something that could land him in jail? those should be told because if they were to go "there", she would be directly affected.

 

only you can decide because you know your friend - would it be something that would be a big deal to her, or "meh".  only you know what you witnessed him doing, and how many times you actually witnessed him doing.

 

[JustEm]

I would tell no matter what it meant for my friendship with her or how it made her feel.  I would not consider a person a friend if I found out they are keeping a secret from me about my dh that affects my life (which it clearly does if you think she would be hurt by the knowledge.)  

[Scarlett]

I would try to determine if it was a 'personal choice issue' or a 'marriage issue' and decide where I wanted to go from there.

 

To me:

A personal choice issue is something like a vegetarian eating an occasional hamburger, an ex-smoker having a cigarette, a dieter eating inappropriately, someone oogling a person other than their SO.... , seeking knowledge about an opposing point of view (reading books from a different faith/ reading literature on an opposing candidate in an election), withholding the true about a serious situation but no one was hurt (got an expensive speeding ticket etc)

 

A marriage issue would be spending larger amounts of mutual money inappropriately and in an ongoing manner (ie gambling, partying, shopping, donations etc). Having a issue where a court case would be involved. Infidelity based on the belief system of either party in the marriage (some would only consider that sex, others would consider p*rn/strip clubs in this). A major internal compass change like person having changed faiths, jobs, political affiliations (only major ones), schools, etc. Alcoholic/addict starting up old habits or hanging out with old buddies/old locations.

 

 

 

If you are considering telling, I would be very careful and consider how confident you are in the knowledge. I have been told things about dh before that people 'knew were true' and they were false. Dh is a person with a common look about him. He looks like a common business man 6", 180lbs, sandy hair, medium complexion, short hair. I have even had to do a double take sometimes thinking I see him out in public, and then realize it isn't him. My own sister once told me he was 'having dinner with another woman, when he was with me and we weren't at that restaurant. I have this happen every couple of years, where someone tells me my husband was up to something, when I know he was not. I am used to it and I don't hold it against the person who tells me.

 

(making up a gambling situation) If I was going to tell I would likely approach it from a 'I am not wanting to cause any trouble, but sometimes I see this guy that looks a lot like Robert going into the Poker hall across the street from my work, on what I assume is his lunch. I have not talked to this person so I don't know more details than that. I have no idea if this person is gambling or just visiting a friend, but I just wanted you to know because of Roberts previous issues with gabling". It allows for the assumption of innocence. It allows for the wife to say that she already knows. It allows the information to be presented in a non-accusing way, but still be said.

 

If I ran into my friends husband who is an alcoholic buying a 6 pack. I would go to her and say "did Robert say we saw each other at the corner market the other day?" and let the conversation go from there.

She says it is an ongoing thing so I don't think it is a case of mistaken identity.

 

But I do agree there are some things that would be petty.....but she says she knows her friend would be upset/hurt by whatever it is.

 

I had a friend once who knew her friends husband was cheating. She started a conversation with her friend like this thread...sort of a vague...would you want to know if it was you. Wife said yes. So my friend told her.

 

That approach might work.

[Ripley]

I worked with a man who was a cross-dresser. Our jobs demanded many overnights away from home, so we saw him in drag quite often. It was unspoken but understood that this was something he did away from home. He had two "uniforms" - one for originating and terminating flights, and a second wardrobe that he wore for all other business in between. I knew his wife on a social basis, for more than 10 years. She and my roommate/colleague were very good friends, often vacationing together. 

 

There is no way she couldn't have known. And yet, I think she didn't. Whether that was self-preservation or denial, she's not unusual in only acknowledging what she wanted to. I don't know that it was ever spoken between them, but they evolved into a marriage where maybe this secret was better off being secret. And maybe not "secret" so much as "I don't know how to handle this, so you do what you want and I will pretend not to know you do."  More like a shared secret in one sense, but is acted out in private - with both parties agreeing to and preferring that arrangement, perhaps implicitly if not explicitly.

 

It all finally came to a head when he decided to move forward with a $ex ch@nge. His wife could not accept this, and divorced him. He was the ugliest woman I've ever seen, but you never saw one more at peace and happy. When it became official at work with his new name and everything, there was a lot of controversy. Those who didn't travel with us weren't used to seeing him as a female, and were incredulous on his wife's behalf: Those of us who did travel with him regularly had already spent years wondering about the situation at home - did she know? if she did, why did he have two uniforms? if she didn't, should we tell her because we'd want to know?

 

My roommate had been especially torn during the early years, but had decided she'd offer nothing but would also deny nothing, if asked. It came out that the wife hadn't known, not really, though she had long suspected something was off. When she found out that we at work all knew, I know she was hurt but I think she was more embarrassed than anything. For him, for herself, for the illusion she had - and thought we shared - of her marriage. She needed time, but the wife is now much happier also - maybe because she's free of a burden she didn't realize she had been hiding when her former husband was closeted.

 

I'd take my former roommates approach: don't offer, don't deny.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Is it something that is a grey area - something that some people might think is a sin (like having one beer with the guys) but others wouldn't (because they say the sin is drunkenness and not drinking itself)?  If the wife would be upset because she is more legalistic than the husband then I wouldn't say anything.  Sexual stuff would not fit in this category for me because to me that goes against the whole marriage vow of holding someone exclusive.  

[momto10blessings]

Hell yes I'd want to know.

[5of5]

Like a poster said up-thread, you could broach the general topic of spilling-the-beans with her. You could explain how you discussed this with a group and was surprised at the range of opinions. But only you would know to what extent you could pull this off versus your friend seeing through the ruse.

[Barb_]

In the situation you describe, no. I wouldn't tell. The thing is, oftentimes spouses really aren't the last to know. Deep down they suspect or even have a pretty good idea of what is happening. For whatever reason, she's biding her time until she is emotionally prepared to deal with the matter. Maybe she'll decide to let it slide altogether. It's her right to do that, I think. Bringing it up forces the issue. It's embarrassing. Even if the friend had no inkling of the situation, she is often not appreciative that suddenly there are now three people involved in what is really just between the two of them. She may wonder who else knows and as someone mentioned up thread, what your motives are for telling. In your case, it sounds to me that you are so annoyed with her husband that telling her friend would be at least partially motivated by the desire to punish her husband.

 

If you sincerely want the situation to change for your friend's benefit, and I'm sure you do, then the husband is the one you should confront. Tell him you know and that you are pretty sure others know as well. It's only a matter of time before she finds out and you don't want your friend hurt. Yes, that means there's a chance he could get away with what has already transpired, but the point is to get him to stop what he's doing with minimal disruption to your friend's life, right?

[Barb_]

She says it is an ongoing thing so I don't think it is a case of mistaken identity.

 

But I do agree there are some things that would be petty.....but she says she knows her friend would be upset/hurt by whatever it is.

 

I had a friend once who knew her friends husband was cheating. She started a conversation with her friend like this thread...sort of a vague...would you want to know if it was you. Wife said yes. So my friend told her.

 

That approach might work.

People will almost always say yes. No one wants to admit they might rather not know. There is another sizable percentage who believes they'd want to know until the thing actually happens. Deep down none of us want to believe our spouse capable of doing something behind our backs. I've been married for over 20 years, and there have been a handful of times earlier on our marriage when I'd learned things on my own that I'd wished never would have happened. But we were able to work through it largely because no one else we had in common knew it. If a friend had co me to me with the information, I might have had a harder time reconciling with my husband after my trust was breached, I don't know. It's also likely I would have had a harder time remaining friends with someone who was intimately familiar with the worst period in my marriage. Honestly I'm not sure how I would have handled that. Thankfully it wasn't an issue.

[QueenCat]

Are you 100% sure that what you think is going on, is actually going on?  Are you 100% sure that the spouse doesn't know?  Is it something that would put the spouse or children in danger?  

 

This........ She may know but not tell you, even if you are a very good friend.

[SKL]

If it's bothering you so much, it must be one of those things I'd want to know, and would have to know in order to make important decisions:  Homosexual?  Bankrupt?  Fired?  Using an alias?  Still married to someone else?  Father of a child she doesn't know about?  Gambling?  Breaking the law?  Looking at porn?  Dying of cancer?  Getting a vasectomy when she wants kids?  Filthy rich and hiding the bucks somewhere?

 

Then again, there are some things that I probably wouldn't tell because it wouldn't be damaging enough to interfere.  Sneaking a smoke?  Trying on her panties?  Joking with his drinking buddies about her abundant derrierre?

[73349]

If you do decide to tell, consider the medium. I'd rather get a note in the mail from a friend rather than talking about it in person, especially if it really was a shock.

[Audrey]

I need to be vague but I am tormented by this and am not really thinking rationally.

 

For some time now I have been made aware that my friend's dh is keeping a secret from her.  I can't go into details for so many reasons.  It's likely not marriage breaking but I know it would make her very mad and hurt.  I'm mad that I am in this situation of having to know this because I don't know what to do.  If it were me, I would want to know.  But, because I am on the flip side, I don't want to cause unnecessary discord in a marriage.  I truly don't know if she has suspicions or if this would hit her out of left field.  This isn't hear-say or rumors; it's fact.  Her husband is _________ so it's not like I would be stirring up trouble based on a rumor.

 

I think I should let sleeping dogs lie, but it makes me so angry whenever I see him and I hurt for her that I know and she doesn't. And I don't want her to find out I knew all along and never told her.  Ugh.

 

The things I ponder on Christmas night. WWYD?

 

 

What I bolded above is because you've already answered your own question.  Also, it's not your marriage, so it's not your business.  Period. 

[mhaddon]

I would want to know. I can't stand secrets, I don't even make purchases (even for a few dollars) without discussing them with my husband each day. We don't keep anything from each other, he's my best friend. Can you talk to him and get him to tell her? That's a sticky situation.

[Mrs Mungo]

If it is something like he went to a strip club, I wouldn't care.

If she didn't care, then he probably wouldn't keep it a secret. Plenty of men have issues with things like this that do affect their marriages. If he was keeping *secrets* like this, (edited because why does my phone constantly change commas into exclamation marks?) then I would want to know.

[SproutMamaK]

I would tell, but I would do so with the full realization that by doing so I was making my friend uncomfortable, and that I had taken on a role in her marriage that no one should ever have to be in. There is a very good chance that you will be sacrificing your friendship so that your friend can be more aware of the reality of her marriage... and I would hope that one of my friends would be willing to take that chance and make that sacrifice.

 

You say you don't know what she would do, and you don't think it would break apart her marriage but that you know if would cause a signifcant amount of discord. In my opinion, whether or not it's a marriage-breaker and how much damage it will do to her marriage should be up to your friend to decide, with her eyes wide open.

 

Of course, you could always just send an anonymous message if you don't want to deal with the fall-out personally. Either way, as a wife I can't imagine any situation in which someone keeping such a big secret from me would be a good or appreciated thing. Her hisband is doing the wrong thing by keeping such secrets from his wife, but that doesn't mean that you have to be dragged into his deception.

[lavender's green]

If it's not illegal, highly immoral, or commonly recognized as marriage-destroying, or harmful to your friend's health, or extremely damaging to her finances, I'd just leave it be.  It's their issue and no one else's. 

 

And you know what?  If it's none of the above, I honestly wouldn't want a friend to tell me.  I'd probably already know deep down that something was off, and would have my own reasons for ignoring it.

 

 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

What I bolded above is because you've already answered your own question.  Also, it's not your marriage, so it's not your business.  Period. 

 

This.

 

At the end of the day, it isn't your marriage. If it isn't life threatening/dangerous, keep out.

[AlmiraGulch]

Not picking on you.....but I will never comprehend this reasoning. To me my friend being harmed ( and to me dishonesty and betrayal are harms) IS my business.

 

Like you, I never, ever want to see my friend harmed.  And there are certainly circumstances where I would RUN to my friend (like child abuse, for example) to tell her if I thought she didn't know.  

 

Nobody knows what happens behind someone else's closed doors, though, no matter how close you think you are.   The OP doesn't know for sure that her friend doesn't already know.  If she does, then someone bringing it to her attention could cause more embarrassment or discord or anything than if the person had said nothing in the first place.  That would be my hesitation.

[Berta]

I'm thinking she already knows and just isn't saying anything. There is probably an understanding between husband and wife, one that most wouldn't understand, and that is why it is not "public knowledge" so to speak.

[Scarlett]

I just posed this question to my dh and my dss12 and both looked as if I had grown two heads for even asking. Of course tell they say! So I take comfort that I am married to someone who sees it the same as me.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I just posed this question to my dh and my dss12 and both looked as if I had grown two heads for even asking. Of course tell they say! So I take comfort that I am married to someone who sees it the same as me.

 

That is good :)

[Melissa in Australia]

If it were related to sex, drugs, alcohol abuse, gambling, etc. Then yes I would want to know. Anything criminal or abuse or addiction related. Other than that, I would stay out of it.

 

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

This deliberate on going deceit makes me lean even further toward telling. I would be furious with a friend who kept such information from me. And often deceit in one area indicates deceit in another area....you really have no way of knowing how your piece of truth will help her fill in the pieces.

 

:iagree:

[PeterPan]

If you do decide to tell, consider the medium. I'd rather get a note in the mail from a friend rather than talking about it in person, especially if it really was a shock.

I think I've been seeing too many commercials for that medium on TLC.  I read this as consider *a* medium, hehe.  Go to the reading together, the psychic reveals it and takes the onus...   :lol: 

 

Seriously, don't do that, but it would be different!  

[Guest submarines]

Honestly, it's just because you don't know the whole story. If you knew the whole story you wouldn't bat an eye as to how I know. It sounds way worse because I am purposely being vague and withholding details.

 

I bear no ill will towards this couple, quite to the contrary, and I am not involved at all in what is going on. I just happen to be in the know.

 

I'm not angry with *what* the dh is doing. I'm more disgusted by the secrecy of it and the reason behind the secrecy. I don't really want my friend to know. It will hurt her. I know this much. I don't know if she would want to be told. I know I would but everyone is different. Plus it's easier to ask advice on a forum of people who have no friendship or connection with the people.

 

I frankly don't get as to why this extent of being vague is so important. Is this something so specific that it would be googleable? Can you think of a similar situation and give us a better idea?  Why it is important to keep it a secret here as to how you came upon this information, whether it is first hand etc? Sure, it is easy to ask advice here, and we can all speculate and draw from other experiences, but the quality of advice (if there's such a thing lol) suffers.

 

So, *what* her DH is doing could be completely innocent in other circumstances, but your concern is that he's doing it in secret? And regularly? Would it have been better if it was a one time thing?

 

In other words, it is the seeming deceit that is a problem, not the actual act / state of being?

[gardenmom5]

, whether it is first hand etc?

 

and if it isn't "first hand", it's *just* gossip.  it could be accurate, plausible, or totally off-base.

[Trish]

I was in this situation once, to tell or not to tell.

 

I did NOT tell, the MAIN reason being, the woman's children were of late elementary, early middle school ages. And I thought telling would at a minimum cause a lot of marital strife, and could end the marriage. So I kept the info to myself "for the sake of the kids." I figured the marriage might be headed toward the rocks anyway, maybe, but at least the kids would be older if/when the parents broke up. (they DID end up getting divorced 5-6 years later when the kids were late high school/college age)

 

I don't know if it was the right decision. I felt like it wasn't my decision to make, no matter what I did. So I put myself in the kids' shoes (instead of the wife's) and went from there.

[plain jane]

Thanks, everyone.  I appreciate being able to bounce ideas off the collective Hive and the chance to learn from the experiences of others.  I said it upthread and I have thought about it some more and I am not going to say anything.  I agree with what a lot of posters have said, on both sides of the issue.  There have also been some perspectives I hadn't considered.  In the end the desire to butt out of it wins over.  I really don't want to be involved.  I know that *I* would want to know but the PP who said that everyone says they'd want to know but perhaps they don't, really resonated with me. I'm not a believer that ignorance is bliss, but that's just me.... and if there's one thing I've learned from years of participating in this forum, it's that not everyone thinks like me.  :)

[Melissa in Australia]

Then the jerk DH is empowered to continue his deceitful behavior by people not telling his wife.

[Joker]

Then the jerk DH is empowered to continue his deceitful behavior by people not telling his wife.

 

We don't really know if he is a jerk. The OP feels that way but there is much she hasn't shared and that we, and herself, do not know.

 

The OP said she wasn't even sure if the wife knew or not. She also said it wasn't infidelity. We don't really know if it is deceitful since we don't even know if it is a secret. It may be something the OP would not like or not like her dh doing, but we do not know if it is something another woman would like.

 

I would question a friend who came to me thinking she was telling me something 'bad' that I already knew or didn't consider bad. I would wonder why she felt such a need to share. I would think it was more for her own benefit than my own. Since the OP isn't really sure about who knows or what they consider acceptable, I think it is wise to keep it to herself.

[Guest submarines]

Then the jerk DH is empowered to continue his deceitful behavior by people not telling his wife.

 

We really can't say if he's a jerk, unless we know what's going on.

 

I'll give you an example of my own DH's "deceitful" behavior. When we were both students, I once vented to a friend that we didn't have any money, and that I thought DH's eating out while at work was wasteful, and that I was planning to make sure he took home made lunch to work. So we chatted away, and that was done.

 

Then DH and I talked about it, and it really made sense for DH to buy lunch as it was important social time for him and his coworkers and his boss. And that was done.

 

Months later, my "friend" shared, with much drama, that she's been observing DH eating at the food court almost daily (she worked in the same building). Yep, she was sharing his "secret" with me. She was sure I'd be appalled. She was sure that DH was lying to me about not eating out. I, on the other hand, was quite irked that she was "observing" my DH for me.

 

The OP seems to be quite genuinely upset, so possibly it is not something like our eating out "deceit" of the days past, but she hasn't shared any relevant information here. She also implied that she's disgusted with the deceit, not necessarily with the actual act that is being supposedly lied about. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the DH is necessarily a jerk.

[Catwoman]

It's difficult to gauge (for me, in this situation) if this is a "minor" thing to this lady or not. One thing I've learned from years on this forum is that what one person sees as major is just meh to another and vice versa.

Also, it's not a one time thing. For example he didn't sneak out to *A* football game once. He's going out to all the football games. Maybe this was a poor analogy but i am trying to remain vague. Please don't tear my example apart. :). That's more why I felt she should know. If it were a one time thing there is the whole bad judgment call, moment of weakness thing. Now it's premeditated and purposeful.

Here's my problem with this thread -- not that anyone cares what my problem is, but I'm posting it anyway.

 

If the guy isn't secretly gay, and he hasn't cheated, gone out to strip clubs every night of the week, used drugs, robbed banks, or done anything that would cause his wife to leave the marriage, why can't you just stop being so cryptic and mysterious and just tell us what he did?

 

Seriously, there is no way that any of us can be of any real help to you if you don't tell us what's going on, and judging by all of your posts to this thread, it's not something that will land the guy in jail or ruin anyone's life, so I'm finding all of the pussyfooting around to be kind of irritating.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know someone is going to get annoyed with me and say that you're guarding your friend's privacy and I shouldn't be so nosy, but on a forum where no one knows your real name, let alone your friend's name, I don't see why you wouldn't post what's going on. If you want to know what people would do in your situation, it's pointless to start a thread about it if you're not going to give us the slightest clue about what that situation actually is.

[Melissa in Australia]

We really can't say if he's a jerk, unless we know what's going on.

 

I'll give you an example of my own DH's "deceitful" behavior. When we were both students, I once vented to a friend that we didn't have any money, and that I thought DH's eating out while at work was wasteful, and that I was planning to make sure he took home made lunch to work. So we chatted away, and that was done.

 

Then DH and I talked about it, and it really made sense for DH to buy lunch as it was important social time for him and his coworkers and his boss. And that was done.

 

Months later, my "friend" shared, with much drama, that she's been observing DH eating at the food court almost daily (she worked in the same building). Yep, she was sharing his "secret" with me. She was sure I'd be appalled. She was sure that DH was lying to me about not eating out. I, on the other hand, was quite irked that she was "observing" my DH for me.

 

The OP seems to be quite genuinely upset, so possibly it is not something like our eating out "deceit" of the days past, but she hasn't shared any relevant information here. She also implied that she's disgusted with the deceit, not necessarily with the actual act that is being supposedly lied about. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the DH is necessarily a jerk.

 

I guess everyone looks at this through their own lenses of experience.

 

 I have a relative who had a friend who they knew was using drugs. they had seen them using them. He didn't tell the spouse because he didn't want their friend to have marital trouble. So he was empowering their friend to continue in his behaviour.

 

The OP didn't say that it wasn't drugs or gambling, only that it wasn't sexual in nature. not everyone looks at drug use or gambling  addiction as the end of a marriage but they both have a very high chance of causing strife in a relationship. 

[Negin]

but on a forum where no one knows your real name, let alone your friend's name, I don't see why you wouldn't post what's going on. If you want to know what people would do in your situation, it's pointless to start a thread about it if you're not going to give us the slightest clue about what that situation actually is.

:iagree: . My thoughts exactly. 

[Scarlett]

We really can't say if he's a jerk, unless we know what's going on.

 

I'll give you an example of my own DH's "deceitful" behavior. When we were both students, I once vented to a friend that we didn't have any money, and that I thought DH's eating out while at work was wasteful, and that I was planning to make sure he took home made lunch to work. So we chatted away, and that was done.

 

Then DH and I talked about it, and it really made sense for DH to buy lunch as it was important social time for him and his coworkers and his boss. And that was done.

 

Months later, my "friend" shared, with much drama, that she's been observing DH eating at the food court almost daily (she worked in the same building). Yep, she was sharing his "secret" with me. She was sure I'd be appalled. She was sure that DH was lying to me about not eating out. I, on the other hand, was quite irked that she was "observing" my DH for me.

 

The OP seems to be quite genuinely upset, so possibly it is not something like our eating out "deceit" of the days past, but she hasn't shared any relevant information here. She also implied that she's disgusted with the deceit, not necessarily with the actual act that is being supposedly lied about. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the DH is necessarily a jerk.

Again though this not a problem with telling the truth. It is a problem with a friend who went just a little too far by observing your dh.....and for this is not one of the things that I would feel obligated to ' tell' my friend. Otoh I would not go out of my way to keep it from my friend....and the nature of my communicative style is that I would mention seeing him at the food court.

[SKL]

What I don't understand is, why is the OP so upset if it isn't something bad enough to wreck a marriage?

 

Not everyone has the same standard of openness in marriage.  Not everyone needs or wants that.

[Laurie4b]

 but on a forum where no one knows your real name, let alone your friend's name, I don't see why you wouldn't post what's going on. If you want to know what people would do in your situation, it's pointless to start a thread about it if you're not going to give us the slightest clue about what that situation actually is.

 

I understand not sharing the info. There are so many people on this board that none of us really knows whether someone we know IRL is also on this board . Given that it's a homeschool board, I think it's even likely that we all know other posters and don't realize it --at first. It can also happen, though, that another person we do know IRL could realize who we are by the details of what we post. That has happened to me once, in a thread that was not at all a private thread. But it means I don't now post anything private here.

 

Additionally, if it was specific info shared, such as "gambling addiction" and spouse later finds out and starts googling "gambling addition," spouse could possibly find the thread. Stranger things have happened on the internet.

[Laurie4b]

I agree telling everything you think feel or know isn't always necessary. But with husbands and wives I DO think there should be no secrets.

 

I am going through a situation right now where I know things that would hurt my good friend.....but it has to do with actions of her in laws....and it is nothing directly against my friend.....and she knows the overall attitude of her in laws....so telling her ongoing incidents would not be helpful.

 

But if her husband was doing the same thing....I would tell her in a heartbeat.

 

I don't agree when there is an affair involved. I've never seen it help, but only hurt, when the aggrieved party pushed for details. To know the who, why, when, how the deceit was accomplished is important,  but a lot of details about the what... only hurtful. I think that's what the pp was getting at.

[gardenmom5]

 I have a relative who had a friend who they knew was using drugs. they had seen them using them. He didn't tell the spouse because he didn't want their friend to have marital trouble. So he was empowering their friend to continue in his behaviour.

 

The OP didn't say that it wasn't drugs or gambling,

 

and people have repeatedly said if it was drugs, they'd tell.  she has neither confirmed it was nor denied.  but drugs as an infraction have been repeatedly addressed by respondents.  most drugs in most states are illegal.  she has implied it wasn't illegal.