Birthday Invite/Siblings WWYD?

[Paige]

I am having a difficult time deciding what to do about a birthday invite we've received. A neighbor has invited my 2 older girls and said little DD is not invited. Normally, this would be no problem. The problem is, that almost every day all of my DDs and this child, along with about 5-6 other kids that are invited to the party play for hours. They play at my house, they play at their houses; if older DDs are busy, she'll ask for little one and they all play happily. My older girls are in 4th grade, this child is in 2nd, and DD is in 1st. The other children invited are about the same age and I suspect my older girls are the oldest ones invited and I know there are many other 1st graders in the group.

 

We were told that this child was only allowed to invite a certain number. This party is being held at the neighbor's house and I am sure that they will be outside running around. I think it is terribly insulting and rude. Although they've played together daily for months, I've heard that this child is sometimes rude to little DD. Maybe she doesn't like her as much. IMO, this child is generally not so nice. She says rude and inappropriate things, convinces my kids to do things they know are wrong, does not respect my no, and comes to tattle on my kids to me every single time one of them does something she doesn't like. I let them play, but with reservations. It would be very difficult to exclude her. This child's mother invited 2 other children that her child did not want to invite because they are neighbors and the other mothers are friendly with her. I'm not enemies with her or anything, but we're just not more than acquaintances and don't have any relationship beyond saying hi at the driveway.

 

WWYD? It would be different if it wasn't literally going to be adjacent to my yard and it didn't include kids that my little DD is better friends with than my older DDs. Older DDs desperately want to go. I may be able to send little DD to someone else's house for the day, but it would be hard to completely avoid it because it is on a school night. Mostly, though, I am annoyed at the mother for allowing it, and if she has no idea what her child is doing, I'm angry that the girl would think this is ok. Little DD was right there when she came to invite the girls (they were all playing!) and she invited the big ones and another friend who was there and told DD she was not invited. Ugh. Little DD is surprisingly cool about it all. Me? Not so much. I am tempted to just say that is enough and none of mine should play with her anymore. That would be very difficult to enforce, however, and it would force the other kids to pick who they will play with. I don't want to create unnecessary drama.

[Ellie]

I'm sorry you feel that way, but really, it isn't rude not to invite all of your children. It may be awkward, so yes, it will probably be a good idea for your little dd to go do something else during the party.

 

That the birthday girl is herself rude and socially unattractive is a different issue. :glare: And it's probably a contributing factor to why you're so upset.

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry it's such a sticky situation. It would make my "mama bear" rise up a bit, too.

I am of the opinion, however, that people may invite whomever they wish to their events.

 

I would let the big ones go to the party and take the little one to dinner and a movie, or something else that would be special fun. Since she's not upset, I would hide your indignation and ruffled feathers from her.

[gardenmom5]

your youngest dd has not been invited.  from "what you've heard" the girl doesn't like your youngest and doesn't hide it, but you allow her in your yard to play with your other children anyway. 

 

you have two choices.   send the girls who were invited or keep them all home.

 

 

[Ewe Mama]

I would say we weren't available and take my family out for dinner to avoid the party altogether. The way your neighbor handled the " invitation" and simultaneous rejection of your youngest while she was standing there was terrible and tactless. Yes, she can invite whomever she wants to, but to tell your little dd she is not invited to her face would make me see red.

[QueenCat]

I could understand if they didn't invite one who was far apart in age but this is the opposite. It's not something I'd do as a host........

[Paige]

I agree that they can invite whoever they want. My older DDs want me to ask if little DD can come and I said absolutely not. I told them they make their own choices about what is best for their family and we must make our own choices for our family. Frankly, if little DD was invited at this point, I don't think I would let her go. I'm only deciding if I let older DDs go because they want to, or make them stay home. I sort of fear letting them go anyway, because I know the birthday child can be so mean and has such poor judgement.

 

It's not that the other girl doesn't like the little one, but I think she doesn't like her as much. She'll come over and ask for her by name. This child doesn't treat anyone well, IMO.

 

That the birthday girl is herself rude and socially unattractive is a different issue. :glare: And it's probably a contributing factor to why you're so upset.

 

:grouphug:

Absolutely. I am so tired of dealing with her and this is the most recent and most annoying of a string of annoyances. Just before she invited my older DDs, the older ones had come back crying and furious from her house because she had just left them without saying anything while they were playing some kind of hide and seek. She went into her house to watch a movie with another friend and didn't say bye. But, all was forgiven when she came back an hour later with the invitation. Little DD didn't care, she was just like, "that's the way she is." Nobody fights when she isn't there and someone always gets upset when she is.

[Starr]

I do not handle these things as well as your youngest. I would think of something so fun that all my kids would want to do it instead of the party.  :leaving:

[Mandylubug]

Well if your younger DD already understands, let her plan something fun to do just with you during party time. Or if you want to eliminate the friendship, then don't let any attend.

[*Lulu*]

I think I would make alternate fab-u-licious (DD's word of the moment) plans for that night and send your regrets.

 

The more wonderful your plans the less put out your older girls will be.

 

Also, a great time to start teaching about best friends, good friends, sometimes friends, acquaintances, and what our expectations and boundaries should be with each group. (I'm guessing chicky-poo is in the third group.)

[Tap]

I would plan a special evening for all my kids and not send any of them.  

 

I absolutely agree that guest lists should be set by the host, but guests also have the choice on whether to attend an event.   It doesn't sound like you really want your girls hanging with this girl anyways, so why bother encouraging it.

 

Since it was a verbal invite, I wonder if the parent even knows what is going on.  I would call the mom with you regrets and leave it at that. 

[bettyandbob]

If the birthday girl were in 4th grade and your older girls were in 4th and 5th, while the younger was 2d, I'd say there was nothing wrong with the invitation. 

 

However, in the circumstances you have described, I would decline the invitation. I would mark the date on my calendar and go do something fun away from home that day. I would simply say "Sorry, older dds will be unable to come." I wouldn't even say " we are busy that day", just say they can't go and nothing more. 

[KungFuPanda]

If the little girl was too mean to play with, you would have ended all of the interaction by now. The problem is you are concerned your daughter will be hurt. It's important to learn that you're not entitled to an invitation to everything and to not get mad at your friends for not inviting you to every event they have.

 

In this case, I'd send the older girls to the party and take the youngest to a movie or something.

[zoobie]

If the birthday girl is someone with whom you do not want your kids around because of her behavior, then decline the RSVP and discourage them from playing together. They don't have to spend time with her simply because she lives nearby.

[Santi]

Yes, she has a right to choose each guest herself. I still find it rude to invite 2 sisters you hang out with and leave out the third. I'd think of something fun to do and invite the older dd's and younger dd. If the older ones didn't want to come I'd let them go to the party and focus on something fun for younger dd while they're gone.

[J-rap]

I know some people believe that kids should be able to invite whomever they want, but I've never felt that way.  I think it's up to the parents to set a gracious example for their children, and insist that they consider the feelings of those involved -- or not involved.  That was one of the requirements for having birthday parties in our house.  So, sometimes they would have to invite someone who wasn't on their list, simply because it was the nice thing to do.  However... if even the parents aren't thinking along those lines, I guess there's not much you can do.  And in all honesty, it doesn't sound like the greatest environment for your 1st grader anyway (but of course that's difficult to explain to your daughter).

 

It's a tricky situation;  as others have said, I'd either send the older two and do something really fun with the 1st grader, or politely decline altogether because of another commitment.  (And make it a fun one!)

[Mom0012]

I am normally not for requiring all children be included in every activity. In this case, because all the children are in the same age range and play together daily, there is no way any of my children would be going to this party.

[Paige]

If the little girl was too mean to play with, you would have ended all of the interaction by now.

I would have if she didn't live next door, and didn't come begging to play 15 times a day rain or shine, and if her mother wasn't BFF w/our landlord. It's a sticky situation all around. I can't wait to move!

 

DH was fine with letting older DDs go until he learned how the invitation was given...several girls around, invites going out, descriptions of who will go and what will happen, and then, "But you aren't invited." Her mother may not know. We have a written invitation with no names on it. I can't believe DD is not mad. DH and I are on her behalf. Older DDs love themselves some mean girl- they've always gravitated to that kind of kid- but maybe little DD really is fine and is tired of her.

[RanchGirl]

I would not send any of the girls nor would I send a gift (which I usually do when they boys aren't able to attend a bday party) and I would take all 3 out somewhere fun.  I would not be comfortable sending the older dds to play with someone who clearly dislikes younger dd. 

[RanchGirl]

I would have if she didn't live next door, and didn't come begging to play 15 times a day rain or shine, and if her mother wasn't BFF w/our landlord. It's a sticky situation all around. I can't wait to move!

 

DH was fine with letting older DDs go until he learned how the invitation was given...several girls around, invites going out, descriptions of who will go and what will happen, and then, "But you aren't invited." Her mother may not know. We have a written invitation with no names on it. I can't believe DD is not mad. DH and I are on her behalf. Older DDs love themselves some mean girl- they've always gravitated to that kind of kid- but maybe little DD really is fine and is tired of her.

 

oh sheesh, this makes it even worse.  why do the older dds gravitate toward mean girls, even at the expense of younger dd?  I would work on that dynamic and not worry about this stupid party!

[Ravin]

If the concern was keeping the guest list short, they should have invited by family and left yours out if it put them over. Excluding one of three children in a family, closer in age to the birthday child than one who was invited, is simply rude. I would say no and tell your older girls why, because their sister's feelings are more important than the birthday girl's whims.

[Ravin]

I would have if she didn't live next door, and didn't come begging to play 15 times a day rain or shine, and if her mother wasn't BFF w/our landlord. It's a sticky situation all around. I can't wait to move!

 

DH was fine with letting older DDs go until he learned how the invitation was given...several girls around, invites going out, descriptions of who will go and what will happen, and then, "But you aren't invited." Her mother may not know. We have a written invitation with no names on it. I can't believe DD is not mad. DH and I are on her behalf. Older DDs love themselves some mean girl- they've always gravitated to that kind of kid- but maybe little DD really is fine and is tired of her.

I would check with the mom.

[Paige]

oh sheesh, this makes it even worse.  why do the older dds gravitate toward mean girls, even at the expense of younger dd?  I would work on that dynamic and not worry about this stupid party!

We are working on it. They are terribly shy and so they like to have a friend who is assertive and outgoing so they can stay quiet. You'd think they'd like other shy girls, but then nobody talks so a friendship can't begin. They like the loud, bossy types because those types are more likely to approach them first and don't mind when DDs don't do much talking. DDs are usually very sweet but they tend to be scared to speak up when someone is being mean, and they are more forgiving than I am. I know it's a problem- I shudder to think of how that could play out when they are teenagers.

[Alice]

I would have if she didn't live next door, and didn't come begging to play 15 times a day rain or shine, and if her mother wasn't BFF w/our landlord. It's a sticky situation all around. I can't wait to move!

 

DH was fine with letting older DDs go until he learned how the invitation was given...several girls around, invites going out, descriptions of who will go and what will happen, and then, "But you aren't invited." Her mother may not know. We have a written invitation with no names on it. I can't believe DD is not mad. DH and I are on her behalf. Older DDs love themselves some mean girl- they've always gravitated to that kind of kid- but maybe little DD really is fine and is tired of her.

 

You could ask the Mom. It might not change how you feel about the girl, but it might effect your relationship with Mom in the future. I had a sort of similar situation with a good friend who sent an invite to her son’s party. Son is 11, and one of my 10 year olds best friends  but they often play with my middle son, age 7. It wasn’t clear who the invite was for, so I just asked. “Did you mean to include H. or was this just for C.?†I told her either was fine, I just wanted to make sure. Our situation was different because she assumed her son had meant just my older son but then asked him and he said no, he wanted to have younger son too. Even so, it might help how you interact with the family (and it sounds like you don’t have a choice of whether or not to interact) if you knew this was more of a 2nd grader acting mean vs. a mother/family leaving out part of your family. 

 

I also would focus on the fact that you dd is not upset. I think sometimes as parents we go into mama bear mode and want to protect our kids. But if you dd really isn’t upset about it, that shows some really important character traits on her part: she doesn’t care about what others do, she doesn’t need someone else’s invitation to feel validated/happy, she isn’t one to get hurt easily, maybe she can discern that the other girl is  mean and doesn’t really want to go. Regardless, those are all fabulous life skills and it might be good to affirm them. You could tell her how proud you are of her for not letting it bother her and then ask her what she would like to do for special time since sisters get to go to party. And then do something fun. 

[Guest submarines]

My main concern would by why your older DDs "desperately" want to go to a birthday party of a child who is rude and mean in general, and to their younger sister in particular. The situation with that child doesn't seem to be healthy for your family. 

 

[Catwoman]

oh sheesh, this makes it even worse. why do the older dds gravitate toward mean girls, even at the expense of younger dd? I would work on that dynamic and not worry about this stupid party.

:iagree:

 

If the neighbor girl is having a "mean girl" effect on your older dds, there's no way I'd let any of your kids play with her. Your older dds are too old to be influenced by a second grader, anyway -- they should be setting an example for her on how to behave, not the other way around. It doesn't sound like there is any benefit at all to this "friendship."

 

She sounds unpleasant and rude, so I can't understand why you would want any of your children to either play with her or attend her party.

 

And FWIW, if I were you and your dh, I would be having a private discussion with your older dds about how they need to stick together and defend each other when someone is mean to any of them. In this case, I would be very disappointed in the older girls for not immediately standing up for their little sister when the neighbor girl was mean to her.

[KungFuPanda]

I would have if she didn't live next door, and didn't come begging to play 15 times a day rain or shine, and if her mother wasn't BFF w/our landlord. It's a sticky situation all around. I can't wait to move!

 

DH was fine with letting older DDs go until he learned how the invitation was given...several girls around, invites going out, descriptions of who will go and what will happen, and then, "But you aren't invited." Her mother may not know. We have a written invitation with no names on it. I can't believe DD is not mad. DH and I are on her behalf. Older DDs love themselves some mean girl- they've always gravitated to that kind of kid- but maybe little DD really is fine and is tired of her.

I'm not saying don't deal with the situation. I'm saying that sabotaging a child's birthday party isn't the best moment to finally address the issue. It seems more 'mean girl' than what the little girl is doing especially considering your child is handling it so maturely.

[momma2three]

I don't think I'd take the word of a 2nd grader about an invitation list.  I'd ask the mother right away.  "My girls are excited about Sally's party.  I just wanted to clarify that only the two older ones are invited?  My youngest was a little hurt to hear this, but I explained that sometimes not everyone can go to every party."

 

If the mother really does say that your youngest isn't invited, I would not send any of them.

[SKL]

Yeah, if the invitation didn't have names on it, you really need to clarify (with the parent) who is invited.

 

If you are not happy with who is invited send nobody.  Go somewhere else at that time.  I would not force my kids to sit and watch a birthday party going on next door and thinking they should have been participating in it

[Catwoman]

I don't think I'd take the word of a 2nd grader about an invitation list. I'd ask the mother right away. "My girls are excited about Sally's party. I just wanted to clarify that only the two older ones are invited? My youngest was a little hurt to hear this, but I explained that sometimes not everyone can go to every party."

 

If the mother really does say that your youngest isn't invited, I would not send any of them.

That's an excellent point. If the girl handed your dds a blank invitation, her mom may very well have intended it to be for all of your girls. I can't imagine that the mom would invite two of three sisters who all play with her dd every day. It doesn't make sense, unless the mom is an adult version of a mean girl.

[Paige]

I'm not saying don't deal with the situation. I'm saying that sabotaging a child's birthday party isn't the best moment to finally address the issue. It seems more 'mean girl' than what the little girl is doing especially considering your child is handling it so maturely.

Would it be sabotaging it to decline? She's got other kids coming and I'm not looking to get her in trouble w/ her mother by approaching her before the party. It's obvious she doesn't want DD there, so if I do speak to her mother, it would be after the fact.

 

After getting some perspective here, I'm leaning towards letting them go if they want. Maybe. I do want DDs to learn to speak up for themselves and choose good friends, but maybe it would work better if we rewarded little DD for her good attitude and let older DDs figure some things out for themselves. I like the idea of praising little DD for her good attitude and self respect. I can tell that the older ones are finally starting to pick up on the fact that she's not very nice. I fear if we force an end to the friendship, they'll see us as the bad guys and forget that she's been mean. I'd like them to get to the point that they no longer want to be around her. I may have to suck it up and go outside with them in the cold so I can monitor what's really going and intervene.

 

As for why they are desperate to go...sadly, they are homeschooled and don't get many invites to birthday parties since leaving PS.

[RanchGirl]

We are working on it. They are terribly shy and so they like to have a friend who is assertive and outgoing so they can stay quiet. You'd think they'd like other shy girls, but then nobody talks so a friendship can't begin. They like the loud, bossy types because those types are more likely to approach them first and don't mind when DDs don't do much talking. DDs are usually very sweet but they tend to be scared to speak up when someone is being mean, and they are more forgiving than I am. I know it's a problem- I shudder to think of how that could play out when they are teenagers.

 

Glad you are working on it, you're way ahead of half the parenting population just by being aware of what's happening!  I have only boys so I'm no expert on navigating mean girl territory (we know a few mean boys but have been able to identify and avoid them for the most part).  The family loyalty thing is huge with me though so I have pretty strong feelings on that.  If my "sheesh" post came across to you as overly blunt or accusatory, please know that was not the intention.

[PentecostalMom]

I would check with the mom.

 

This.

[SKL]

I would also note that just because the 2nd grader didn't feel like inviting your youngest DD at a particular moment, that doesn't mean she doesn't want her there, period.  Young kids can be very fickle, being someone's "friend" one minute and "not friend" the next and back to "friend" again before you know it.  I would ask the mom and if she's invited, ask your little one if she wants to go.

[LMV]

We have five daughters (ages 1, 3, 5, 9, and 13) still living at home so in general I don't feel that an invitation extended to one child must include all children in the family.  I wouldn't prohibit my nine year old from attending a party because her younger sisters weren't invited.  Having said that, both of the following aspects would give me a little pause...

 

IMO, this child is generally not so nice. She says rude and inappropriate things, convinces my kids to do things they know are wrong, does not respect my no, and comes to tattle on my kids to me every single time one of them does something she doesn't like.

 

 

Older DDs love themselves some mean girl- they've always gravitated to that kind of kid- but maybe little DD really is fine and is tired of her.

 

 

Both of these aspects make me really question the value of a friendship with this child for any of your children. I generally feel that as parents we really shouldn't pick our children's friends so I wouldn't prohibit the relationship outright but I think I would definitely set some limits around it.  If I felt that this child made poor and unsafe decisions (which at her age may really have more to do with the degree of guidance and supervision the adults in her life provide than anything else) then I might only allow them to my children to play with this girl at our home when either DH or I could supervise.  I might prohibit attending the birthday party if I felt that there would not be adequate supervision at the party.  I would not allow this child to treat any of our children unkindly so that would signal that the play session was over.  If one of our children were unkind to their siblings at this child's urging then I would address that with appropriate consequences (which might include a reprieve from this "friend" coming over to play).  If our children were violating other conduct or safety expectations during the play session that would also terminate the play session and be addressed with appropriate consequences.  Ultimately this child would learn treat others kindly and play safely, at least in our home, or I suspect our children would grow tired of these play sessions and their resulting consequences. 

 

 

[Eagle]

I would let the Mom know dd1 and 2 are unable to attend. If she asks about dd3 you can mention that she was told she couldn't come. Have a discussion with your girls about always being there for each other, and how being mean lost this girl 3 presents. Then take your girls somewhere fun during the party.

 

ETA: I don't think all children in a family have to receive invites to parties. However, you don't hand out invites in front of people who aren't invited, and you never tell someone specifically that they are NOT invited.

 

If the mom says all three are invited I wouldn't let them go at this point. If the girl told your dd she wasn't invited she would likely be mean to her when she arrived ("why are you here? I didn't invite you")

[Word Nerd]

DH was fine with letting older DDs go until he learned how the invitation was given...several girls around, invites going out, descriptions of who will go and what will happen, and then, "But you aren't invited."

I'm with your DH, though in general I don't think all siblings need to be invited to the party of a mutual acquaintance. For me that kind of meanness would be a dealbreaker, though, and no one would be attending even if the mom did say younger DD could come too. I would plan a fun family outing so they won't be home to see the party going on. I'd also put as many limits as possible on their playing together. Sorry it puts you in such an awkward situation.

[Word Nerd]

I'm not saying don't deal with the situation. I'm saying that sabotaging a child's birthday party isn't the best moment to finally address the issue. It seems more 'mean girl' than what the little girl is doing especially considering your child is handling it so maturely.

Sabotage? That seems a rather melodramatic way to describe declining an invitation. The party will go on without them.

[NorthwestMom]

As a young child, a girl on our street had a birthday party and invited every other child on the street but me (10+ girls).  And then they proceeded to prank phone my house during the party. This was done with full knowledge of the mom. 35 years later it is still a vivid childhood memory.

 

Don't think this will end with attending the party.  Even if they don't go so far as to call your house  :glare:, there will be talk afterwards about how awesome it was, and favors will be given and admired. There's no way I'd send 2 out of 3 kids to this party, especially with the way this was handled.  I am firmly in the "something SUPER fun at the same time, away from home" camp.

[KungFuPanda]

Sabotage? That seems a rather melodramatic way to describe declining an invitation. The party will go on without them.

I think it's melodramatic to attach such malice to an 8-year-old girl. It sounds like the OP would have happily sent all three girls to the party, but since they weren't treated like a package deal the girl is suddenly a bad influence and a horrible child?

[ThisIsTheDay]

WW*I*D?  I would begin disengaging my kids from the friendship. It would have nothing to do with the birthday invite. You don't like her much, she is not very nice, and your kids are not using good judgment when she is around.  I would be promoting the family relationship and reinforcing the idea that we all stand  up for each other. That doesn't mean that we need to go to parties in a group, but it means that we stick together, and as a group, we be sure that everyone is playing nicely together. If it's our friend, or if it's our sibling, we encourage niceties and fairness while playing. If it's an invitation and it's not issued fairly, some of us don't go just because we want to really badly.

 

If the older girls were excluded and the one closer in age to the neighbor were included, the invitation would be fair.  It's not.  I'd take my kids out to do something fun, skip the party, and look at this as an opportunity to build up my children's sibling relationship. But that would continue on long past the party evening.

[Paige]

Don't think this will end with attending the party.  Even if they don't go so far as to call your house  :glare:, there will be talk afterwards about how awesome it was, and favors will be given and admired. There's no way I'd send 2 out of 3 kids to this party, especially with the way this was handled.  I am firmly in the "something SUPER fun at the same time, away from home" camp.

Ugh! Good point. How are 7/8yr old girls so mean? And, you know, I think it's about a boy. How ridiculous? DD has a little friend in the neighborhood that she gets along with very well. He moved in a little less than a year ago and is a nice kid. He's shy and she's the only one who would play with a boy at first. He's in 2nd grade like the other girl. Last week, DD was talking to him and this girl came over and teased them and said she was going to take their picture and put it on FB and say they were in love. WTH? My DD was upset about that and she doesn't even know what FB is! This boy is coming to the party...it's all kinds of ridiculous, but maybe she's picking on little DD now because she's jealous. She wasn't pointedly mean to her until rather recently, about the same time as this little boy got the nerve up to come over and play more.

[Catwoman]

I think it's melodramatic to attach such malice to an 8-year-old girl. It sounds like the OP would have happily sent all three girls to the party, but since they weren't treated like a package deal the girl is suddenly a bad influence and a horrible child?

Well, Paige already described this girl as "not so nice," and said she says rude and inappropriate things, is a tattletale, doesn't treat anyone well, and is a mean girl.

 

I don't understand why any of her dds want to play with the kid or attend her party. She doesn't sound at all appealing.

[Catwoman]

Ugh! Good point. How are 7/8yr old girls so mean? And, you know, I think it's about a boy. How ridiculous? DD has a little friend in the neighborhood that she gets along with very well. He moved in a little less than a year ago and is a nice kid. He's shy and she's the only one who would play with a boy at first. He's in 2nd grade like the other girl. Last week, DD was talking to him and this girl came over and teased them and said she was going to take their picture and put it on FB and say they were in love. WTH? My DD was upset about that and she doesn't even know what FB is! This boy is coming to the party...it's all kinds of ridiculous, but maybe she's picking on little DD now because she's jealous. She wasn't pointedly mean to her until rather recently, about the same time as this little boy got the nerve up to come over and play more.

Everything you tell us about this child makes her sound worse and worse.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't understand any of this. Why are you letting any of your kids play with her? :confused:

[Joker]

None of us would go. Older is often doing things that younger is not invited to but it has never bothered me (even though they are both in middle school).

 

I would not be okay with older being invited in front of younger by someone they both hang with though. It is rude.

 

I may be influenced a bit right now by the fact that older asked her friends to include younger in their Halloween festivities. It wasn't something we expected or asked of her but she felt it was the right thing to do. I'm still reeling from the sweetness of it all.

[Paige]

I'm sorry, but I don't understand any of this. Why are you letting any of your kids play with her? :confused:

At first, I felt sorry for her. She was only 5, she'd hang out by the fence looking into the yard pitifully anytime anyone- even just Dh- was outside. Her family life is chaotic. She was 5 and was outside alone- no siblings or other kids on the street at the time- for hours and hours. We have an awesome playset. Hers had been destroyed in a storm. I couldn't turn her away. We had just moved and my kids didn't have any other friends here either, and 5yr olds, even annoying ones, can't really be all that mean. Every time she'd do something, I'd tell DS she was practically a baby- not even in K- and he shouldn't let her get to him. She was never mean to my girls then but said things that made me raise an eyebrow and displayed poor judgement.

 

As she got older and more involved with PS and other activities, she got meaner and more disrespectful. As more kids move into the neighborhood, she's getting worse. It's like she's playing them all off each other. It's hard to disengage now. I still feel sorry for her too. It's hard to see her alone, staring sadly at our house if nobody else is available to play with. I wouldn't say her situation is neglectful, but it's sad, IMO. I think her mom may be working at home or studying or something and tells her to stay outside a lot. She looks so pitiful and sad when we have to send her away. See? Now I'm going all soft and thinking I should let her in the house more and be more hands on with them.

[ThisIsTheDay]

See? Now I'm going all soft and thinking I should let her in the house more and be more hands on with them.

 

I honestly think that's a nice idea--but you've been doing that for two (or more?) years, and she still doesn't seem to be able to respect the rules in your home. I think there comes a time when you have to put the emotional well-being of your kids over a possibly emotionally needy neighborhood child.  It's a tricky balance though, and all of us here probably have our own different ideas on when it's too much.

[Catwoman]

At first, I felt sorry for her. She was only 5, she'd hang out by the fence looking into the yard pitifully anytime anyone- even just Dh- was outside. Her family life is chaotic. She was 5 and was outside alone- no siblings or other kids on the street at the time- for hours and hours. We have an awesome playset. Hers had been destroyed in a storm. I couldn't turn her away. We had just moved and my kids didn't have any other friends here either, and 5yr olds, even annoying ones, can't really be all that mean. Every time she'd do something, I'd tell DS she was practically a baby- not even in K- and he shouldn't let her get to him. She was never mean to my girls then but said things that made me raise an eyebrow and displayed poor judgement.

 

As she got older and more involved with PS and other activities, she got meaner and more disrespectful. As more kids move into the neighborhood, she's getting worse. It's like she's playing them all off each other. It's hard to disengage now. I still feel sorry for her too. It's hard to see her alone, staring sadly at our house if nobody else is available to play with. I wouldn't say her situation is neglectful, but it's sad, IMO. I think her mom may be working at home or studying or something and tells her to stay outside a lot. She looks so pitiful and sad when we have to send her away. See? Now I'm going all soft and thinking I should let her in the house more and be more hands on with them.

You're not her mother, and quite frankly, if there are times when no one will play with her, maybe she brought it on herself with her rude behavior.

 

Why do you feel sorry for a kid who is mean to your own children, and who manipulatively plays the kids in the neighborhood off each other? That makes no sense at all to me.

 

Stop worrying about that girl and put your own children first. You've given this neighbor kid plenty of time to learn how to behave properly, and she has gotten worse instead of better. How mean is she going to have to get before you finally realize that her "friendship" is not benefitting your girls in any way, shape, or form?

 

I'm with your dh. The kid sounds like a real troublemaker. I can't figure out why you want your children to have even more contact with her, and invite her into your home when she is MEAN.

 

I admire you for being so kind and caring, but in this case, you're dealing with a situation where your own children are being treated poorly by the neighbor girl, and IMO, that is entirely unacceptable.

[mom2bee]

Yes, she can invite whomever she wants to, but to tell your little dd she is not invited to her face would make me see red.

What is the best way to explain that some is NOT invited? Telling them honestly and to their face is better than any number of sideways and possibly more hurtful ways.

 

This is an honest question: What is a better way to explain to someone that they aren't invited?

[Ravin]

I would not wait until after the party to talk to the mom. I would decline the invite for all 3 girls and tell birthday girl's mom that it was because of how her DD gave the invite and specifically told your youngest she wasn't invited. This is because if my DD pulled such a stunt, she would be in big trouble. An apology would be in order and I'd consider canceling the party or requiring she forfeits presents to Toys for Tots or such, depending on her contrition and effort to make it right.

 

If the mom doesn't take the rudeness seriously, it changes nothing for your family if you decline the invite. It does send a message to your girls that such behavior is acceptable if you let any of them attend.