would you be upset by this

[Melissa in Australia]

I am posting this for a relative. The relative's partner thinks that they are being unreasonable and controlling. I am posting this poll with the objective of getting viewpoints from a wide range of people to support my relative.

 

 

Cannabis use is illegal in this country, growing and possession can result in up to 2 years jail.

 

 

 thank you

[Ipsey]

I voted "not a deal breaker" in the first and "that would change my view to 'yes'"--dealbreaker in the second.

 

That wasn't offered as an option in the second question, so that's why I'm clarifying here.

[Melissa in Australia]

I have edited the poll to include that option

 thank you

[Renee in NC]

Only in the second scenario is it a deal breaker for me.  In the first scenario I wouldn't like it, but would only object if it were around my children (not happening!)

[mytwomonkeys]

what is it? i googled it & it said it was a flower?

[elegantlion]

what is it? i googled it & it said it was a flower?

 

marijuana

[mytwomonkeys]

marijuana

oh. i feel stupid now, lol.

 

i will vote. but yes, it would be an issue for me if my husband smoked pot at all. major turn off & deal breaker.

[twoxcell]

 

 

Anything illegal when there are children in the family is a deal breaker for me.

 

 

Ongoing,recreational use, I'm outta there. 

That would not be happening around my kids, so either they would go or I would. I would hope for reconciliation after the issue had been dealt with and addressed. 

[Amy in NH]

If it was like a twice per year out with the guys kind of thing then I wouldn't let it bother me.  But I will not have drunk and/or high people in my house with my children.

[Dory]

Any illegal activity, if it is ongoing and if he isn't seeking help, would be a deal breaker for me. If he is seeking help then I would be more prone to sticking it out. If he has been back and forth on the issue in the past though, well obviously he isn't really wanting to stop then, so back to being a deal breaker.

[Joanne]

Relapsing behavior, even that prior to actual use of chemcials, would be a "deal breaker" for me.

Deal breaker is defined as separation, possible divorce.

 

I am not against recreational use of some substances, including marijuana. But use by a problem user is not recreational.

[Melissa in Australia]

nm.

[Joanne]

Thank you very much everyone. I will pass the results along to my relative. The relative was feeling very pressured that their stand was over the top and that nobody else in the world would have the same view.

 

Respectfully, you have many posts that are fairly intense on this topic. I think, instead of offering implied third party support, you encourage your relative to get help for themselves in terms of education about addiction, families impacted by addiction, and how those who have been in relationship with addicted persons become sick themselves.

In short, I'd suggest Al Anon to the family member.

[Melissa in Australia]

 nm.

[ksr5377]

My main issue is that it's illegal.  While I don't feel it should be, the fact is if caught, DH could go to jail.  Illegal activity is a deal breaker.

[Joanne]

 nm.

 

You deleted?

 

Anyway, the perspective of the addict would not be a factor for me. The biological and physiological reality indicates that use of chemicals is a problem.

 

If the individual ever did actually recover, they have been in relapse mode for a period of time before using. Their thought process will reflect that.

I would have very stringent rules and deal breakers for an intimate partner in recovery and this scenario would trigger known, communicated consequences.

 

I think your relative (the non addicted one) needs education and support in self care and being healthy.

[LucyStoner]

Recreational use of marijuana is not something I generally have problem with other people doing and I live in a state where it is being legalized (to the extent it can be given federal law).

 

That said, recreational use is not something I would find attractive in my spouse. At all. I don't think it would be a deal breaker (there was not to the best of my recollection an out in my vows over pot ;) ) but I would be very unhappy about it and would be concerned about the change. The cost and side effects are undesirable with me. Using pot is just not something I find amusing and I wouldn't want the smoke around my house or the smell on the person laying next to be in bed.

 

Though honestly, I would be more bothered/concerned about daily/regular tobacco use than I would be about very sporadic pot use.

 

I was a st8 edge riot grrl who married a feminist boy who still rarely drinks and like me has never even sampled recreational drugs. It would be a huge "where the frack is this coming from and why NOW?!" if I found out that he was now a smoker of any kind at all.

[Catwoman]

It wouldn't be happening in my house or in my marriage. My dh and I have been together for a very long time, and if he suddenly started using any kind of drug, it would be a huge red flag for me because it would be so out of character.

[J-rap]

This would never happen in my marriage, so I can't even fathom it really. But honestly, if I found out that cannabis helped the stroke recovery process -- and there are some studies out now that are looking into this -- then I really wouldn't mind! :)

[dancingmama]

It would be a dealbreaker for me because if hubby started using, there would have to be a huge underlying cause. By dealbreaker I mean separation for the safety of the children. Again, not because cannibus in itself is bad but because if my hubby started using, it would be completely out of character and indicative of bigger problems.

[SKL]

You said "partner" so I answered as if the couple were not married.  I answered that it would be a deal-breaker.  However, if we were married, I wouldn't get a divorce at the first hint of burning weed.  Once you're married you are supposed to try to work through things vs. run away from them.  But it would definitely not be "OK."

 

The suggestion that this position is "controlling" is a little scary.  Who's trying to control whom here?  The substance is illegal among other things.  Why should anyone ever be expected to allow it in one's home?  What other illegal, offensive things is this person demanding his partner to allow?

[twoxcell]

 

 

You said "partner" so I answered as if the couple were not married.  I answered that it would be a deal-breaker.  However, if we were married, I wouldn't get a divorce at the first hint of burning weed.  Once you're married you are supposed to try to work through things vs. run away from them.  But it would definitely not be "OK."

Exactly. I didn't mean by my comment that it would cause an instant divorce(I don't take divorce lightly at all), but I would not have my kids around that. My dh doesn't even drink so it is not really a scenario that I would ever see played out in real life. 

[RanchGirl]

It is obviously a major problem for a person with a past history of drug abuse to start using again.  It is so obvious that for your relative to need to be told this, is a big red flag for some kind of enabling/co-dependent/abusive relationship.  I think your relative needs more help than you or this board can offer -- are there support groups for spouses of drug addicts in your area?  Is he/she seeing someone? 

 

PLEASE tell me there are not children involved in this situation and we're dinking around with "is it a problem or am I being controlling".

[NASDAQ]

I'm not sure that general discussion about pot is helpful here. I have no problem with my husband drinking alcohol, because he's not an alcoholic. If he were (had been) an addict, I'd have a huge problem with it.

 

I think your relative/friend should get into Al Anon and get some intensive support with this.

[Tap]

It is legal in my state (Washington) so I would be upset, but not a deal breaker.  

 

If there was a previous problem and it started up again, yes it would be  a  deal breaker.  Deal breaker as in "move out, clean up, come back" not divorce at first toke.

[Chris in VA]

Deal breaker meaning separation and coming back after rehab and clean time.

 

Been there too many times. 

[Harriet Vane]

I am waaaaay too familiar with how marijuana changes a person. It's not harmless, not at all. I would have a pretty strong response to a partner using cannabis.

 

In your shoes, I would do what Joanne says. Support the sober partner and get him/her plugged in with a support group so that she/he can evaluate their options.

 

:grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

It would cause major issues here. I have nothing against pot smoking but if DH started it would represent a major character shift, a possible shift back to smoking which is too expensive for us and a major risk to his employment since he works in a job where safety is paramount and they do drug tests if anything goes wrong.

[Murphy101]

Cigarette smoking would be a deal breaker in this house.

 

So yes, it'd be a deal breaker if they were using pot too.

 

Legal doesn't change our deal breakers.

 

Adultery is legal, but that's not going to be tolerated either.

 

Doing something illegal just for the recreation fun of it? Risking our entire family for it? No.

[creekland]

Any sort of smoking would be a deal breaker here.  The only exception would be for true medical needs.

 

I detest the smell of smoke - regardless of source.  I wouldn't care if it were legal - it wouldn't change my views.

[Acorn]

Probably would be marriage ending here.  I don't really care if others use.  We have/had jobs dependent on not using, so it jeopardizes a career and family security for us.

 

For the record, cigarette smoke would be deal breaker due to allergies and asthma. 

[Parrothead]

It would be a deal breaker for me. Not because it is illegal, but because, by golly, it is time to grow up. Grow up and develop a coping mechanism or two.

 

In my mind I associate drug use/experimentation as something teens and 20-somethings do. I don't want to hear how tough it is out there or how horrible life has been. Face it, deal with it, be a mature and responsible adult and get on with the next thing.

[elfgivas]

initially i voted "deal breaker", but then it wouldn't let me submit without answering the "if you said no" second question.

 

so i voted "other", because if it were prescribed for pain, i would be supportive... that means it would be legal and useful. 

 

we do have a glass of wine most nights, so i am working to not be hypocritical in this......

ann

[Galatea]

My husband would get fired for using marijuana, so yes, it would be a deal breaker.  So many jobs include drug testing these days that I think it is a bad choice for a lot of people.  If, for whatever reason, firing was not an issue, I might be okay with the very rare recreational use (as in once a month rare) and not around our children.  But if the user has a history of progression to worse drugs from marijuana, then it would be an absolute deal breaker.  Some people have addictive tendencies, and when they do, you can't fool around.  Some people may scoff at the idea that it is an "entry-level drug" but that's exactly what it may be for a person prone to addiction.

[Mom0012]

Honestly, I wouldn't care about the cannabis use on a personal level, unless it was used in an addictive manner and was interfering with our life.  If it was used like an occasional beer, it wouldn't be a problem to me at all EXCEPT it is an illegal drug and I don't do anything illegal that would risk my children.  That is the bottom line for me.

[HelenNotOfTroy]

I voted based on it being illegal where they are.

[swellmomma]

I can't vote because it says it needs an answer in both sections.  For me it is a deal breaker right off the bat.  My ex huband smoked it once when I was pregnant with dd14, ds15 was about 5 months old.  He and his aunt were outside smoking it in the car.  That is where they spent the night, I locked them out.  I did not allow that in my home, I do not want it around my kids.  ds15 back then had just been weaned of a medication for his severe apneas of prematurity, and I didn't want any of that near him. I will never have a partner that uses that stuff even occasionally. Medical use for terminal illness is something I would open to discussion about however. I have never touched it and never will. 

ETA: I have several deal breakers, so it is not just weed, cigarettes and alcohol use(beyond the occasional drink a few times a year).  Usage of substances like all that is a very black and white issue for me.

[Spy Car]

It would be a deal breaker for me. Not because it is illegal, but because, by golly, it is time to grow up. Grow up and develop a coping mechanism or two.

Like learning how to make a good margarita? :D

 

Bill

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

It's a sticky wicket.  The feds said they won't interfere with the legalization in Colorado or Washington, but technically it's still not legal under federal law.

 

I'd have to get pretty desperate to go that route, but I've learned to not rule anything out (Stage IV will do that).   Cannabidiol is supposed to be on of several non-psychotropic derivatives with potential cancer benefits, so if it ever makes it to ingest-able or injection-able form, that will be a good thing. Seeing how fast the FDA moves, I won't hold my breath.

[Luanne]

My first husband (my daughter's father) has been using this drug on a regular basis for a long time and still does as far as I know.  It has ruined his life and would have ruined ours as well had he stuck around and not left.  The people I hear all the time saying there is nothing wrong with it have obviously never dealt with a person who uses it all the time.

[Joanne]

My first husband (my daughter's father) has been using this drug on a regular basis for a long time and still does as far as I know.  It has ruined his life and would have ruined ours as well had he stuck around and not left.  The people I hear all the time saying there is nothing wrong with it have obviously never dealt with a person who uses it all the time.

 

Please read with some discriimination. Posters in this thread and countless others have nearly all acknowledged the difference between use and misuse/abuse/addiction.

 

For example, I have often said that I am not anti-recreational use of marijuana. I know for an absolute fact that people can and do become addicted and that it has specific characteristics in terms of substance abuse and dependency.

[Slartibartfast]

Unless my partner has glaucoma, cancer, or chronic pain then I would have a HHUUUGGGEEE problem with it. 

 

I would not allow that in my home unless I lived in a state where it was permitted medically and only then if they had a real problem. I would not accept "I stubbed my toe I am going to smoke a bowl."

 

I don't care if others smoke pot but I would have a real problem with dh randomly picking up an illegal drug.

 

There is no way this would happen with my dh, he does not even drink.

[Parrothead]

Like learning how to make a good margarita? :D

 

Bill

Well, making a good margarita is a life skill. If one does it well enough, one can make money from that skill.