Passive-aggressiveness/silent treatments...

[Stacia]

How do you deal with people (adults) who do this? Sigh.

 

It makes things very stressful & awkward. It hurts too. (I know that's part of the intent behind it.)

 

Mostly just looking for jawm hugs as I don't expect real answers....

[Sobeknofret]

This is a favorite technique in both sides of our extended families. I used to try to try to not acknowledge it, but I finally gave up and just started calling people out on it. I'm 42 years old; I don't have the time or energy for childish manipulation games any more.

[*Lulu*]

Oh those are my favorites.

 

(Crap, I meant to type that with my sarcasm font.)

 

 

Sorry,

 

(((Hugs)))

 

I always think of all these awesome, pithy, comments to just put the PA PIA in thier place.........

 

Then usually take the high road so I can look at myself in the mirror later.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I don't think of myself as a passive/aggressive person, but I often see that silence is attributed to passive/aggressive personality.

 

 

I am stricken mute under stress. I don't mean to give out the "silent treatment" and I don't intend to hurt the person that I am in conflict with. If I could speak, I would.  It's just that I am overwhelmed and anxious and I can't speak.  I often have to have some space and time before I can speak and address the issue.  I'm sure it's frustration for the other person, but I assure you, it's frustrating for me too.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  

 

 

 

 

[PrairieSong]

I have a brother who has been estranged for many years, and I'm pretty sure he is passive aggressive.  He won't tell you what he wants (the passive part) but then whatever you do it's the WRONG THING.  And you should have KNOWN IT.  Part of me is glad that our family doesn't have to deal with it anymore. 

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.   :grouphug:   It is maddening.  I would say do not engage, do not participate in the drama.  Just change the subject, pass the bean dip, walk away, or hang up the phone.  You can't reason with them.  You can only hope they will see the light and get some help, but sometimes they can't or won't.   :grouphug:   :grouphug:

[PrairieSong]

I don't think of myself as a passive/aggressive person, but I often see that silence is attributed to passive/aggressive personality.

 

 

I am stricken mute under stress. I don't mean to give out the "silent treatment" and I don't intend to hurt the person that I am in conflict with. If I could speak, I would.  It's just that I am overwhelmed and anxious and I can't speak.  I often have to have some space and time before I can speak and address the issue.  I'm sure it's frustration for the other person, but I assure you, it's frustrating for me too.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  

 

I don't think this sounds like passive aggressive behavior, at least from what I have seen and read.

[Seasider]

Stacia, this has nothing to do with you, just an observation from my own experience.

 

It's ironic to find oneself labeled as the P/A (eta more commonly, the silent treatment) party when all one is doing is trying to quietly fly below the radar to avoid fueling the real P/A family member's erratic, outrageous response. Talk about a no-win situation.

 

Sigh. PA dealings are difficult from a wide variety of perspectives!

[unsinkable]

.

[Parrothead]

Unsinkable are you being passive aggressive and not speaking to those of us reading this thread? LOL

[unsinkable]

Unsinkable are you being passive aggressive and not speaking to those of us reading this thread? LOL

 

I meant to post a hug for stacia right underneath but the phone rang!

 

(((Stacia)))

 

I don't do well with the silent treatment. I'm sorry you're going thru this.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug:

 

I have found that the best thing to do with passive aggressive people is to pretend you have no clue that they're upset about anything, and to just do whatever you want, like everything is perfectly fine. And then if they get mad at you, you can reply, "Well, why didn't you just say something if you were upset? Do I look like a mind reader to you?" (Remember to look surprised and annoyed.) ;)

[DawnM]

My mother can be very passive/aggressive.  But believe me when I say that you don't want to actually call her out on it unless you want a tongue thrashing that will last until everything you have ever done in your life that she deems is wrong has come out of her mouth.

 

It is very uncomfortable either way.  She is mentally ill though and there really isn't a lot you can do.

 

 

:grouphug:

I have found that the best thing to do with passive aggressive people is to pretend you have no clue that they're upset about anything, and to just do whatever you want, like everything is perfectly fine. And then if they get mad at you, you can reply, "Well, why didn't you just say something if you were upset? Do I look like a mind reader to you?" (Remember to look surprised and annoyed.)

 

[Catwoman]

My mother can be very passive/aggressive. But believe me when I say that you don't want to actually call her out on it unless you want a tongue thrashing that will last until everything you have ever done in your life that she deems is wrong has come out of her mouth.

 

It is very uncomfortable either way. She is mentally ill though and there really isn't a lot you can do.

:grouphug:

 

That must be so hard for you. :(

[PrincessMommy]

I don't think of myself as a passive/aggressive person, but I often see that silence is attributed to passive/aggressive personality.

 

 

I am stricken mute under stress. I don't mean to give out the "silent treatment" and I don't intend to hurt the person that I am in conflict with. If I could speak, I would.  It's just that I am overwhelmed and anxious and I can't speak.  I often have to have some space and time before I can speak and address the issue.  I'm sure it's frustration for the other person, but I assure you, it's frustrating for me too.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  

 

This is me too... I am not someone who easily communicates... I hate talking about myself and my feelings. When I'm hurt or angry I need time to process.   I feel bad that my silence is usually attributed to being passive/aggressive.

[Guest inoubliable]

Ignore it when you can, maybe even permanently (like how I've just recently cut ties with my toxic family). Or be hurt but try to surround yourself with people who make you feel good and loved (currently dealing with a few people on this very board who have cut me out recently and I have no idea why). 

:grouphug: 

No real easy answers. It sucks when people... suck. :(

[unsinkable]

It sucks when people... suck. :(

 

There is a corollary to this:

 

"It's nice to be nice to the nice."

 

~~~Frank Burns, M*A*S*H*

[Murphy101]

I hate passive aggressiveness. Really really hate it.

 

But I don't consider this passive aggressive.

 

If they don't want to deal with me, okay then. Sure it hurts. Been there. But it's only manipulative if *I* let them manipulate me. If they don't want to talk, okay then. There's a whole world of other people to talk to. Worst case scenario, I will talk to myself or God. (Bit of hyperbole there.)

 

And once you know they are like that, you then know not to get suckered into thinking it's a genuine relationship again.

 

I'm a blunt person. I'll ask them point blank if I did something and are we okay or whatever. At that point, the ball is in their court to either be honest and work with me or write me off. (Which is what it feels like when they won't just get the pickle out their bum and talk to me.)

 

But I won't play that game. You don't want to answer my call or email or text anymore for reasons unknown or just because I didn't do what you wanted? Okay then. Sorry about that. Really. But understand I'm not going to be very interested when you finally get over yourself and decide you want to speak to me again (aka want something from me).

 

Brutal life lesson experience there. Mine anyways. YMMV.

 

(((hugs)))

[Kathryn]

I don't think of myself as a passive/aggressive person, but I often see that silence is attributed to passive/aggressive personality.

 

 

I am stricken mute under stress. I don't mean to give out the "silent treatment" and I don't intend to hurt the person that I am in conflict with. If I could speak, I would. It's just that I am overwhelmed and anxious and I can't speak. I often have to have some space and time before I can speak and address the issue. I'm sure it's frustration for the other person, but I assure you, it's frustrating for me too.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

This is me as well. DH is the total opposite and it drives him crazy. When we have a problem, he wants to keep on and keep on until it's hashed out and I just clam up and want him to go away so I can think.

[LMD]

My mother can be very passive/aggressive. But believe me when I say that you don't want to actually call her out on it unless you want a tongue thrashing that will last until everything you have ever done in your life that she deems is wrong has come out of her mouth.

 

It is very uncomfortable either way. She is mentally ill though and there really isn't a lot you can do.

Do we have the same mother?

[Stacia]

Thank you, everyone, for your hugs and comments. They certainly help today. Thank you.

 

He won't tell you what he wants (the passive part) but then whatever you do it's the WRONG THING. And you should have KNOWN IT.

Bingo. Perfect description. This method has been honed to a fine-tuned sharp instrument through generations of family members. At this point, I am stuck in the presence of this situation. Am trying to ignore it but the air is thick. Sigh. It is also extremely uncomfortable (& unfair, imo) to others that are also stuck here.

 

To be fair, I used to act this way sometimes -- trained by the best, you know. <insert sarcastic, rueful laugh here>. But, many years ago, I realized how awful it was to behave that way and spent a good amount of time retraining myself not to behave that way. So, it's sometimes hard to put up with the "experts" in it who seemingly enjoy & excel at it & have no desire to change. It's a family legacy after all.

 

Thanks again. Your hugs are helping me keep my sanity today.

[lea_lpz]

My mother can be very passive/aggressive. But believe me when I say that you don't want to actually call her out on it unless you want a tongue thrashing that will last until everything you have ever done in your life that she deems is wrong has come out of her mouth.

 

It is very uncomfortable either way. She is mentally ill though and there really isn't a lot you can do.

I have a mom like that. I have chosen to have nothing to do with her. Doing therapy together was revealing in that it made me realize I had nothing to save in this relationship.

[DawnM]

It is just good to know I am not alone.  She has gotten much worse with age too.  

[Twigs]

1st :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

How do you deal with people (adults) who do this? …

 

I tend to think that they respond the way they were taught early on, and have not learned better ways.

 

… To be fair, I used to act this way sometimes -- trained by the best, you know.…

again :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Cammie]

I believe the slient treatment is a form of abuse.  I looked up research and articles relating to it and forwarded to the person I was dealing with.  It is particularly effective, according to what I read, when used against women.  Something in our desire for connection and social belonging is deeply threatened by being shunned and ignored.  I don't know if that is true for everyone but it was true for me.  In our dynamic it was a power control thing for the other person and a social torture for me.  For the most party, once it was brought out into the open and discussed, it did decrease.

 

Hugs!

[lea_lpz]

It is just good to know I am not alone. She has gotten much worse with age too.

Yeah I think my mother has too. She kept threatening to cut me off of a relationship with her. I think it was more like having a temper tantrum because I was sick of letting her have her way all the time and refused to do that when it came to my family. When I called her bluff and said that I thought it was a good idea I imagine that blew up in her face but oh well.

[OrganicAnn]

On the "silent treatment" - there is a difference from someone saying "hey I need a little space to think about this" and a person trying to punish someone by ignoring them which is "the silent treatment".

 

I think it is most difficult to deal with a parent who is passive aggressive since the adult child gets lock into a cycle of reacting to the parent.    If possible, I think the best thing is to change the way you react to the p/a person.   Your reaction is the only thing you can control.  

 

I always want to 'misinterpret' the person's intent.   Silent Treatment "oh thank you for giving me some space.  That was so kind of you." 

[Truscifi]

I hate passive aggressiveness. Really really hate it.

 

But I don't consider this passive aggressive.

 

If they don't want to deal with me, okay then. Sure it hurts. Been there. But it's only manipulative if *I* let them manipulate me. If they don't want to talk, okay then. There's a whole world of other people to talk to. Worst case scenario, I will talk to myself or God. (Bit of hyperbole there.)

 

And once you know they are like that, you then know not to get suckered into thinking it's a genuine relationship again.

 

I'm a blunt person. I'll ask them point blank if I did something and are we okay or whatever. At that point, the ball is in their court to either be honest and work with me or write me off. (Which is what it feels like when they won't just get the pickle out their bum and talk to me.)

 

But I won't play that game. You don't want to answer my call or email or text anymore for reasons unknown or just because I didn't do what you wanted? Okay then. Sorry about that. Really. But understand I'm not going to be very interested when you finally get over yourself and decide you want to speak to me again (aka want something from me).

 

Brutal life lesson experience there. Mine anyways. YMMV.

 

(((hugs)))

 

This.  I have just gotten through this with someone I have been close friends with for 6 years.  I apparently did something to upset her.  I tried calling, texting, and FB messaging.  No response.  I finally concluded our friendship must not have been what I thought it was if she won't even put enough effort into it to tell me why she is upset.  So, moving on.  I have other friends.

 

[fraidycat]

I call people on it, then move on. I don't have the time, energy, or inclination to feed people's need for drama and attention, so I just don't. It is part of the reason I no longer have Facebook, too. Vague-booking really irritated me and got people hidden in a hurry. :)

[LostSurprise]

A lot of passive-aggressive people have trouble communicating negative emotions. They've been taught negative emotions are wrong. They may even worry that they could hurt someone if they don't hold back, bury things, walk away, keep quiet until the feelings pass. They've been taught that its part of being a 'good person.' 

 

If I notice someone this way I say something like, "I notice that you seem upset. I'm sorry if there's something I've done to offend you. Please help me figure this out." 

 

If they don't answer I give them the space to deal with emotions the way they do. That part has nothing to do with me. When they return I'll express happiness and either allow them to sidestep the situation or gently return them to it if I feel its important for us. I also tend to be more observant of the emotions of passive-aggressive people. I don't have to tiptoe around them, but a little care goes a long way to a person like this. Many times if you catch things early, before they're awash with emotion or frustration, you can talk things out. 

 

 

I don't know a lot of crazy, self-involved people though. Your mileage will vary. 

[DawnM]

Mine doesn't do this, but she plays the victim and starts her whole, "You don't really love me" routine.

 

This is obviously just a small glimpse......it is very stressful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah I think my mother has too. She kept threatening to cut me off of a relationship with her. I think it was more like having a temper tantrum because I was sick of letting her have her way all the time and refused to do that when it came to my family. When I called her bluff and said that I thought it was a good idea I imagine that blew up in her face but oh well.

[TammyinTN]

I'm dealing with this.  Last December I posted about my parents wanting us to load up and come for Christmas.  We have our 5 month old grand baby living with us, and it's a 5 hour trip to get there.  We had told them we would be staying home this year, but they were welcome to come.   They called Christmas Eve and were sort of short on the phone..kept telling them they could come, and we would love to have them.  I haven't heard from them since.  I did get a birthday card in February with a new address and phone number...they moved.   I'm simply done with them.  I love them, but will not enable them to act this way to us.   I wonder when and if my parents will ever grow up and act like adults?  I simply hope it's not to late. 

[hillfarm]

I have been accused of giving people the silent treatment, but I'd like to explain my motivation here.

 

I have a fairly good ability to say really hateful, mean things. Especially when I am angry. When I am upset, hurt and mad, I try not to talk to the person at all. I know that once I start talking, I may not have the self control to avoid making the situation even worse. It is much better for both of us if I keep silent until I have worked the adrenaline off and sorted through my strong emotions.

 

I don't do this to punish the other person. I do it to protect both of us. It adds fuel to my anger to be accused of trying to manipulate the situation by being passive aggressive or giving the silent treatment when I am just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I want to shout out, "PLEASE STOP PUSHING ME! "

[Trish]

:grouphug:

 

I have found that the best thing to do with passive aggressive people is to pretend you have no clue that they're upset about anything, and to just do whatever you want, like everything is perfectly fine. And then if they get mad at you, you can reply, "Well, why didn't you just say something if you were upset? Do I look like a mind reader to you?" (Remember to look surprised and annoyed.) ;)

I agree! Another advantage is you can say and do what you like without interference from this person. (right?) ;^) If it's someone you interact with a lot, I'd keep things light and cheerful, maybe directing comments toward them as needed, but not asking any direct questions. ("So, it'll be peanutbutter for lunch again today, I hope you don't mind!")

[Hoot]

I have been accused of giving people the silent treatment, but I'd like to explain my motivation here.

 

I have a fairly good ability to say really hateful, mean things. Especially when I am angry. When I am upset, hurt and mad, I try not to talk to the person at all. I know that once I start talking, I may not have the self control to avoid making the situation even worse. It is much better for both of us if I keep silent until I have worked the adrenaline off and sorted through my strong emotions.

 

I don't do this to punish the other person. I do it to protect both of us. It adds fuel to my anger to be accused of trying to manipulate the situation by being passive aggressive or giving the silent treatment when I am just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I want to shout out, "PLEASE STOP PUSHING ME! "

 

I could have written this.  It is exactly me.

[Farrar]

It usually takes me forever to figure out what was even happening.  I'm a bit passive-aggressive blind.  I was once followed around a store when my ds was a toddler and eating a graham cracker and the woman kept suggesting that I try the cafe and wouldn't I love the cafe and so on and so forth and finally it made me uncomfortable and I left the store.  And as I was leaving, I saw that they had a no eating policy.  Well, good grief, if she had just said that, I could have take the graham cracker away.

 

Of course, it's much harder when it's your family or friends.  But I still often don't read it until I've done something that somehow offends the person worse.  Because, you know, how dare I not cue in that their lack of response or their weird comment was meant to let me know they were ticked off.

[Anne in CA]

:grouphug:

 

I have found that the best thing to do with passive aggressive people is to pretend you have no clue that they're upset about anything, and to just do whatever you want, like everything is perfectly fine. And then if they get mad at you, you can reply, "Well, why didn't you just say something if you were upset? Do I look like a mind reader to you?" (Remember to look surprised and annoyed.) ;)

I have my own version of this for the p/a in my life and it does straighten her right up. She just cannot stay silent and scornful when everyone else is happy. She either has to throw a fit if it was legitimate, or swallow it if it wasn't, lol.

 

I turn on happy music around the house, involve everyone else in something fun or bake some treats and make lots of jokes. I refuse to get sucked in and it sure fixes the problem quick.

[Lucy]

I'm dealing with this right now in my family.  It's really hard!  ((hugs))

[shanvan]

A lot of passive-aggressive people have trouble communicating negative emotions. They've been taught negative emotions are wrong. They may even worry that they could hurt someone if they don't hold back, bury things, walk away, keep quiet until the feelings pass. They've been taught that its part of being a 'good person.' 

 

Yes!  I know someone like this.  IT drives me crazy trying to figure out what to do to help the situation when I cannot discuss what the problem is to begin with.  So, I go crazy making guesses and the p/a person prides herself on being the 'good' person who didn't say any of the things she was thinking.

[BigMamaBird]

I have been accused of giving people the silent treatment, but I'd like to explain my motivation here.

 

I have a fairly good ability to say really hateful, mean things. Especially when I am angry. When I am upset, hurt and mad, I try not to talk to the person at all. I know that once I start talking, I may not have the self control to avoid making the situation even worse. It is much better for both of us if I keep silent until I have worked the adrenaline off and sorted through my strong emotions.

 

I don't do this to punish the other person. I do it to protect both of us. It adds fuel to my anger to be accused of trying to manipulate the situation by being passive aggressive or giving the silent treatment when I am just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I want to shout out, "PLEASE STOP PUSHING ME! "

 

I struggle with this as well.  I'd rather not say anything than say what I KNOW will come out in a horrifically negative fashion.  I just don't have tact.

[KungFuPanda]

Just enjoy the silence. Seriously. Find something to do until the person comes around. You have to own your own reaction. Maybe the person is trying to punish someone. Maybe they just CANNOT rehash the same conversation so they're waiting for the chatty person to drop it and move on.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Just enjoy the silence. Seriously. Find something to do until the person comes around. You have to own your own reaction. Maybe the person is trying to punish someone. Maybe they just CANNOT rehash the same conversation so they're waiting for the chatty person to drop it and move on.

 

This, enjoy the silence. There isn't anything you can do. Just go about your day.