lollie010 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 DS 9yo has a habit of showing interest in something just long enough for it to require start up expense and energy on my part. A few weeks ago, out of the blue, with zero prompting from us, he wanted to sign up for baseball. That was fine with us, although we were a bit shocked because he had never wanted to play before. So, registration $65, new bat $45, cleats $35, glove $30, and pants $20. He had never played on a team before so we offered him a few private lessons so that he would be ready for the season $160. He did very well with the lessons and really seemed to enjoy it. Teams were assigned and he went to one practice. I was there the entire time. He did fine. The coach and the other kids were fine. When it is time for the next practice he did not want to go. When I inquired as to why, his only response is "I guess baseball is just not my thing." I refrained from listing all of the other activities that are just not his thing. Right now, his "thing" seems to be evading any sort of responsibility and arguing with his 4 yo brother. So, what would you do? Make him play? Let him quit? If he does quit, would you impose any consequence? So glad to have a place to come and talk these things over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 My instinct is that he finishes the season, then has a yard sale to sell the equipment to pay you back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChocolateReignRemix Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Finish the season out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara in AZ Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 That's frustrating. I just let DD4 drop out of a $20 beginning dance class through the city because she was refusing to even walk into the class room every week and I couldn't force her. But she's 4 and it was $20. At 8 and 10, we stress to our older kids that they made a commitment to the team and they need to honor it even on the days they don't feel like going to practice/game. I would encourage your DS to finish the season, but if he chose to drop out I would consider having him pay back part or all of the money you spent on equipment, but not the registration or private lessons he already took. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Based on his age, the level of investment, and the commitment he made to be part of a team, I would have him finish the season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kiddies Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Finish the season. I find with my 9 year, who LOVES sports, is that sometimes he just needs a nudge to go but once he is there he has a great time...its like he is having fun hanging out at home and doesn't want to shift gears. Could this be the case with your son? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Finish the season. And I don't always say that, but in this circumstance, considering how much he allowed you to invest, both emotionally and financially, and that you haven't seen any actual problems, I say require him to finish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 My youngest dd is just the same way. She begged last year to be on the Prep-Op Gymnastics team (to which she had been invited). I spent all the $$ to let her, mostly because I was so happy to see her excited about something, and I thought it would teach her commitment. Yeah, a few months in she wanted to quit. I did make her stay the year, but she did not do it again this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairProspects Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 We finished out the season last year when both my boys did the same thing. It made for some miserable practices and games, but at least they know what baseball is like now. Both boys opted not to sign up for baseball this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 At his age, I would make him finish the season. Encourage him to be positive and have fun. Encourage him to learn about the game and to make friends with his teammates. But also reassure him that he does not have to play again next season if he doesn't want to. But he does need to honor his commitment to the team and make the best of the current season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 DADDY and little boy would be havng a very frank conversation in my home Barring legitimate (narrow) circumstances, he'd be playing out the season. Pity the fool :D Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 With my kids, if they picked they activity they had to finish the season (or whatever time period the contract went). This rule was in place when oldest started sports. They also knew that if they stopped before the contract period/season finished they were not doing anything else during that time. For instance my dd's ballet is by the year. If she quit going before the year was up she would not be permitted to sign up for soccer or any other activity until after the year I'd paid for was complete. No one in my house tested that. Everyone finished the season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Another vote for "finish the season". I don't usually give that feedback but in this context, it is what I would suggest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Pretend for a second that the activity was totally free...... Would he be allowed to quit after attending just one practice where basically there were no problems? Or would you tell him he needed to get back out there and give it a certain number of days/classes/practices/meetings before declaring it "not his thing"? We tell our kids that if there is nothing "wrong", they need to give an activity a chance before they can quit - two weeks, a season, a month of piano lessons, etc. That was the expectation even when they were little - if you sign up, you have to give it a chance. So, in our family he would be out there at practice every day and expected to give it his best try. But if the expectation was set that "try it once is enough", then I would take this one as a lesson learned and stop signing him up for anything in the future. Nine is old enough to understand that breaking a committment has consequences. I am personally fine with bailing on an activity if something is wrong or they give it a try and hate it, even if it costs lots of $$$. But it sounds like you invested more $$$ into than he had interest. I have one kid that I have to go totally hands-off and show no enthusiasm about stuff or he wants to bail because the "parental pressure" is too high. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Were the other boys noticeably better than him? I would emphasize the need for practice to get better. Explain to him that it's normal to like things we are better at. If he practices, he will get better. If he gets better, he will enjoy it more. I disagre with the extremeness of Amy Chua (author of "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom"), but I think she made an excellent point about how we like the things we are good at. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 ack triple post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 If the activity was something you thought would be for fun and you chose for him, I would say he didn't have to keep going. But he asked for it and this is partly about following through on a committment he made. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 If there isn't an actual "problem" I insist my kids finish out the season - we talk about letting the team down, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I agree he needs to finish out the season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I have a daughter like this. Regardless of the discussion prior to sign-ups, there is always a time in the season that she's ready to quit. It is our rule that if you sign up to play, you're in for the season. This applies not only to sports, but extracurriculars in general. If it's a monthly activity, like gymnastics, then we fulfill our time that we've paid for and move on. When you (general) sign up for a team sport, other people are counting on you. It's for this reason, that I also do not take practices/games away from a child as a means of discipline. Not only that, but children need to understand what it means to keep your word / commitment. Because this is something we've experienced before, I typically do not spend much in the way of equipment. We buy used when at all possible, and if we can't buy used, we go the inexpensive route. If the following season, she is still interested in the sport (activity, etc.), then I'd consider nicer equipment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Make him play. You've spent the money based on his desire, now he needs to live up to his end of the bargain. If, after the end of the season, he no longer wants to play, then okay. If you keep letting him quit - especially after you've already dished out the money - you're not teaching him any responsibility for his decisions. His desire to play had a consequence (you spent money) and now he should do his part. My children take karate and I can't tell you how many times we've seen kids start, parents buy the uniform, and the kids quit after 2 or 3 weeks. The instructors get very frustrated because they see the kids ruling the parents - the kids not wanting to exhibit self-discipline and the parents not encouraging the kids to continue. If you keep letting your son dictate your actions now, what are you teaching him about committing to something and following through? Good luck - and let us know how the season goes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 This is not a 4 year old that you picked an activity to try for. Yes, my kid at that age would absolutely finish out the season. I paid for an acro class my 8 year old is not enjoying (and actually not learning a bunch from either). However, we did pay for her to do a performance and there is team work involved, so she's going to finish out through May. I think understanding the team aspect and that other people are relying on you to show up and do your part is a big lesson right there. I wouldn't make him continue, but yep, finish the season. ETA - honestly, my kids are slow starters at new activities. I don't think they even can tell if they like or not until they get a good 8+ weeks into something. I don't even think 1 practice is even a fair shake. Maybe a child looked at him funny or the weather wasn't ideal? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Did you tell him that if you signed him up, he would have to finish the season, or was he under the impression that he could do what he always does, which is give it a quick try and then quit? If he had every reason to expect that he would be allowed to quit whenever he wanted, let him quit and assume that you made a costly mistake by not setting some ground rules. If you told him he would have to finish the season before you'd allow him to quit, hold him to the commitment -- and I only say this because he isn't having any real problems with his coach or his teammates. If there was any kind of trouble brewing, I would let him quit. If you made him promise to give it a fair try, but weren't specific about it, tell him he has to keep participating for X number of weeks or a month, or whatever seems fair to you, and then let him decide what he wants to do. Basically, IMO, it all depends on what you told him when you signed him up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Finish the season. He chose it. If you or your DH had cajoled him in to trying it, then my answer would be different. But this is a case of learning to "lay in the bed you made". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 No matter what it is, a class, team or other activity, they are always informed that they have to see it out. So if the class is 8 weeks, they'll be going for eight weeks. If they committed to helping someone out over the weekend, that's what they'll do. If it's a sport for a season, they'll finish out the season. It's always been that way, no matter what the age. I don't have a money tree outback, nor does it fall from the sky for me, and they understand that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Did you tell him that if you signed him up, he would have to finish the season, or was he under the impression that he could do what he always does, which is give it a quick try and then quit? Herein, lies the problem. I am feeling a bit of guilt because I did not set this out in the beginning. I think I am seeing the fruit of some decisions I have made in the past to let things slide. He reminded me today that I had said "I am glad you are giving it a try." He took that as he was just trying something new without the commitment factor, which I thought was understood. Ugh. I think I made a few mistakes in all of this, too. Now I have to figure out how to turn this around and instill some responsibility, enthusiasm and committment in him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Herein, lies the problem. I am feeling a bit of guilt because I did not set this out in the beginning. I think I am seeing the fruit of some decisions I have made in the past to let things slide. He reminded me today that I had said "I am glad you are giving it a try." He took that as he was just trying something new without the commitment factor, which I thought was understood. Ugh. I think I made a few mistakes in all of this, too. Now I have to figure out how to turn this around and instill some responsibility, enthusiasm and committment in him. If he was under the impression that he could quit, I think the most you can do is ask him to stick it out for a few weeks and hope he's willing to make that compromise. I wish I had a different answer for you, but if someone told me, "I am glad you are giving it a try," I would assume that if I didn't like it, I could quit at any time. It stinks that you had to spend all that money, though. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 I wish that I had come to the Hive in the beginning before I started talking with him about it. I posted the question and then had to run out the door for practice at 4:00. He is a child who takes himself too seriously and is extremely sensitive. He was so upset that he did not want to practice. But, he willingly went by himself and told the coach how he was feeling about the season. He told him that he was a great coach, that baseball was harder than he thought it would be and that he did not think he could do it. The coach told him he thinks that he can do it and that he should take today off of practice and think about it. Although, I am disappointed about his lack of commitment, I am proud that he went up to the coach and talked it out. Now, I think I will step aside and let this be between him, his dad, and the coach! I appreciate all of the responses and will let you know how it all turns out. This parenting business is tough stuff. lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I wish that I had come to the Hive in the beginning before I started talking with him about it. I posted the question and then had to run out the door for practice at 4:00. He is a child who takes himself too seriously and is extremely sensitive. He was so upset that he did not want to practice. But, he willingly went by himself and told the coach how he was feeling about the season. He told him that he was a great coach, that baseball was harder than he thought it would be and that he did not think he could do it. The coach told him he thinks that he can do it and that he should take today off of practice and think about it. Although, I am disappointed about his lack of commitment, I am proud that he went up to the coach and talked it out. Now, I think I will step aside and let this be between him, his dad, and the coach! I appreciate all of the responses and will let you know how it all turns out. This parenting business is tough stuff. lol. I think that was a very mature thing for him to have done. You must be very proud of him. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 I guess I should change the title of the thread to what do you do if you have been a "softie" parent for nine years and you are not supremely happy with the results that you are seeing from that. Going to have to think all of this through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 I think that was a very mature thing for him to have done. You must be very proud of him. :) Thank you. I was very proud. I sat in the car and had a few tears, because it really is one of the bravest things he has ever done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 9 seems to be about the age for that. I have had a hard time getting more than one kid out of a car for practice. I would tell them they can sit on the sidelines and watch but they had to go to practice. Once they got on the field they got over whatever "it" was and had a great time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I guess I should change the title of the thread to what do you do if you have been a "softie" parent for nine years and you are not supremely happy with the results that you are seeing from that. Going to have to think all of this through. Well, FWIW, after reading about what he said to the coach, I have to tell you that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. You are obviously doing a lot of things absolutely perfectly! :grouphug: Try not to do too much thinking right now. You're frustrated about the baseball thing and all the money you may have spent for nothing, and that's never a good time to start making plans for change. It's too easy to start telling yourself that sweeping changes are needed RIGHT THIS MINUTE, when the reality is that all you might need to do is, when your ds wants to try something new, have him sign a little contract that obligates him to give it X amount of time before you'll consider letting him quit. But really, he sounds like a great kid -- and quite typical of many boys his age -- so I don't think you have a major problem here at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I don't think you need to tell him in advance that he has to stick it out for the season in order to make that the expectation. It simply is the expectation here. You sign up for it, you complete it. There is no "try it out and quit if you don't like it". You can always make that decision after the commitment is over. If you've ever been on the other side of putting teams together or coaching them, you see the price others have to pay for your capriciousness (general you, not you personally!). When players drop, it hurts the whole team. I'm on the organizing spring soccer side of things right now, and the nice,even balanced teams are all messed up when lots of kids drop. Worse if you have twin kids on the same soccer team decide to drop--1/6 of the team gone. I would make him stick it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I would make him finish the season. He made a commitment and he needs to honor it. I always told my kids when they wanted to do an activity that they were making a commitment. We would be taking money from the budget for other things to pay for the activity and that means they will participate to the best of their ability for the season. If they did not want to continue the next session/season they did not have to but they would honor the commitment they made. The caveat being if there was a situation that made it an unhealthy environment then they could drop at any time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Yes, finish the season. I would only have my child quit a team if there were serious problems with the coach or teammates, or for something unavoidable like health issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Finish the season. I find with my 9 year, who LOVES sports, is that sometimes he just needs a nudge to go but once he is there he has a great time...its like he is having fun hanging out at home and doesn't want to shift gears. Could this be the case with your son? Yes. He does not transition well. WE have a new baby and he just loves being home and snuggling with her. My youngest dd is just the same way. She begged last year to be on the Prep-Op Gymnastics team (to which she had been invited). I spent all the $$ to let her, mostly because I was so happy to see her excited about something, and I thought it would teach her commitment. Yeah, a few months in she wanted to quit. I did make her stay the year, but she did not do it again this year. That was part of it for us, too. He does not generally embrace new things so we were excited to see him wanting to play. Maybe the private lessons were a bit much. lol. But, he got really good in a short time. DADDY and little boy would be havng a very frank conversation in my home Barring legitimate (narrow) circumstances, he'd be playing out the season. Pity the fool :D Bill Great advice, Bill. I'm handing it over to dad. He coaches high school sports and should have some insight. Were the other boys noticeably better than him? I would emphasize the need for practice to get better. Explain to him that it's normal to like things we are better at. If he practices, he will get better. If he gets better, he will enjoy it more. I disagre with the extremeness of Amy Chua (author of "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom"), but I think she made an excellent point about how we like the things we are good at. That was the approach that I took. But, I think he was seeing that he had a long way to go. Because this is something we've experienced before, I typically do not spend much in the way of equipment. We buy used when at all possible, and if we can't buy used, we go the inexpensive route. If the following season, she is still interested in the sport (activity, etc.), then I'd consider nicer equipment. Very smart!! I don't think they even can tell if they like or not until they get a good 8+ weeks into something. I don't even think 1 practice is even a fair shake. Maybe a child looked at him funny or the weather wasn't ideal? You have obviously met my son. This is just the kind of thing that could derail him.lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Mine would play out the season and I'd buy new gear for the next sport after a LONG trial time (like, years). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Can I offer something from a coach's point of view? Dh is a coach and often has kids that are signed up but have absolutely no interest in playing, quit, and leave him short of players. Your son sounds very mature and responsible. He asked, he tried, and has determined that he doesn't want to play. Before he quits, I would have him contact the league and make sure that there is someone on the waiting list to fill his spot. If not, have him fulfill the commitment as a lesson learned. It just may turn out that he changes his mind and enjoys it. Practices are so very different than games. If there is someone to take his place, I would have him work some odd jobs around the house to pay off the equipment and lessons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nart Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Is this little league/ pony baseball or a rec league like one through the YMCA /parks and rec? Is it kid pitch (a kid throws it to the batter or do they use a pitching machine or the coach pitches). The answers matter because if it is kid pitch little league, 9 years old is late to start. Some kids have been playing baseball for FIVE years both in the spring and fall ball. It is one thing to have a coach pitch to you or hit at the batting cages and another to have a kid who is still working on accuracy pitch to you. The same thing about infield practice when you know the ball is coming vs. paying attention and fielding a ball when everyond is watching. He might really be scared. A few private lessons can't cover slowly getting used to having everybody watch you bat and field the ball. Can he bat last, play outfield, go to practices for a couple more weeks and ask to sit for the games if he is truly scared or worried about the pressure? Can he play down a division? Maybe I am completely off but it would be worth asking him if he is worried or scared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ccolopy Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 My kids would be sticking out the season, both to honor their commitment to the team (9 is old enough to understand this) and because "it's too hard" is never a good enough excuse in our house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live2Ride Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 DS 9yo has a habit of showing interest in something just long enough for it to require start up expense and energy on my part. A few weeks ago, out of the blue, with zero prompting from us, he wanted to sign up for baseball. That was fine with us, although we were a bit shocked because he had never wanted to play before. So, registration $65, new bat $45, cleats $35, glove $30, and pants $20. He had never played on a team before so we offered him a few private lessons so that he would be ready for the season $160. He did very well with the lessons and really seemed to enjoy it. Teams were assigned and he went to one practice. I was there the entire time. He did fine. The coach and the other kids were fine. When it is time for the next practice he did not want to go. When I inquired as to why, his only response is "I guess baseball is just not my thing." I refrained from listing all of the other activities that are just not his thing. Right now, his "thing" seems to be evading any sort of responsibility and arguing with his 4 yo brother. So, what would you do? Make him play? Let him quit? If he does quit, would you impose any consequence? So glad to have a place to come and talk these things over. Um...wouldn't happen here. He'd be playing. If our kids want to sign up, fine, but they finish out whatever they started for the season. It's been like that since they were small and will continue. It's never hurt them and makes them give it a real try, not just one lesson or game and then, nope don't like it.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I would require my kids to finish out the season. Quitting would not be an option. However, I wouldn't make a fuss about the expense of the equipment. And I wouldn't require him to play again. Lesson learned. The only way to know if you like something is to do it...for an entire season, not one practice. That is a character building experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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