Neighbor's kid keeps coming over

[macmacmoo]

My boys are 4.5 and 1.5 years old. I only run errands one day a week to keep gas costs down and to prevent buying more than we need.

 

My neighbor is also a stay at home mom, her boys are 5 and 5 months.

 

Her eldest keeps coming over. Use to come around lunch, now before we even have breakfast. He pounds and screams and kicks at our door if we don't let him in. He can see us, we can't really hide in our own house. Our car is sitting on the driveway so he knows we are home.

 

We are suppose to "trade" watching the kids, but it's rather one sided. He's been over every day the past two weeks. his mom has come over to chat/ watch 15% of the time. I let my son go over by himself once, during the two hours she gave them four posicles, and my son was taught to climb bookcases. Since then when he goes over I go over along with the toddler. But they have cats and I'm allergic so i end up being miserable.

 

And then there is the fact she runs errands just about every other day and only takes the baby with her. Its one thing to watch and be able to send them home. Really annoying when you can't. She says she'll watch my kid when i go out, but I like taking my kids shopping. My eldest thinks its something fun and special to ride in shopping carts.

 

He's mom like that they play together says my son is a good influence. Alas its not going the other way. He's mom describes him as intense, i would say aggressive and in your face. I can't get much done because i'm having to actually watch them and break things up constantly. My toddler is tough and able to handle the older boys.

 

I miss the way things use to be before they moved in, just me and my boys. I hate that story time is just at bedtime now. that the ubber light "homeschooling" i'm doing with my eldest is at bath time because its the only time i can squeeze it in.

 

I don't know how to say no or set boundaries with her. I'm not very confrontational. I tried bringing it up and she responded "it not like you're doing anything else." which left me speechless on so many levels. and the reason why she does come over all the time is because she has to watch the baby or is busy cleaning or is running errands.

 

I don't mind them playing together, my kids have no other friends in the area. but I'm burning out. advice?

[Jean in Newcastle]

You know the answer - it is to learn to set boundaries and to say no. There is a good book called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I would recommend it.

[Grover]

"We are homeschooling and are unavailable before X time on M - TH, and unavailable at all on Friday through Sunday. Please keep your child home."

 

Unattended child turns up = take home. No one home? Warn her once then call child protection / local police about an abandoned child.

[Lily_Grace]

Hang a sign on your doorknob. Smiley face means he can come play, frowny face means come back another time.

[Catwoman]

You know the answer - it is to learn to set boundaries and to say no. There is a good book called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I would recommend it.

 

Jean is right.

 

You already know what you need to do.

 

You don't try to hide in your house or make excuses. You JUST SAY NO.

 

You need to tell her that your current arrangement isn't working and you won't be able to trade babysitting with her any more, nor can her child come over unannounced whenever she feels like sending him.

 

Your neighbor is not your friend. She is using you and playing you for a fool -- and you're allowing her to do it. What's the worst thing that could happen if you tell her how you really feel? The worst thing is that she will get upset and not want to be your friend any more... and I'm not sure I can see any down side to that.

 

The woman is a user and she found the perfect victim in you, because she figures she can boss you around and make you do whatever she wants, simply because you don't have the guts to stand up to her.

 

Don't let this happen to you. Get tough, Mama! If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Do it so your life can get back to the way it used to be, before you got involved with your neighbor and her kids.

 

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you, because that's not my intention at all. It's just that it makes me so angry when nice people are used and mistreated -- and that's exactly what's happening to you.

 

If you can't get up the nerve to tell her in person, write her a note, send her an email, or do whatever else it takes to get through to her that you're done babysitting for her kids, and that your kids aren't available to play at any given moment, so she needs to call and check with you before she sends her kid over to your house. (And personally, the kid sounds like a brat, so I'm not even sure why you would want him around your children at all. At that age, having no friends is a lot better than having a bad influence like that boy.)

 

You dont have to be nasty or rude about any of this. You just need to be direct and firm.

 

But do it. You will be so much happier the minute you've told her.

[MistyMountain]

I agree with everyone else. Set boundaries and tell him no. If you can't get the schooling you want to get in and you are not enjoying it then say no. I had kids knocking on my door. At times I let them over but most of the time I said no because I wasn't up for watching other kids. Her going to the store is taking advantage and I would not put up with that.

[Tenaj]

This is such a tough situation because, after all, you still have to live next to them! I had this situation going on a few years ago with our neighbor - four year old just knocking constantly! Drove me batty. I did speak to the Mom about it and was told, "He's just being friendly and I'm not going to stifle that part of his personality". Hmmm . . . I didn't know what to say to that.

 

I just started being very matter-of-fact with the kid. When he knocked, I would go to the door and tell him to go back home that if he saw my kids outside then he could come over and play. I did NOT let him in my house at all. They played outside and that's it. The Mom did try to leave for errands a few times and I just explained that I couldn't watch him because . . . . most of the time it was because we suddenly had an errand to run ourselves.

 

It never really stopped until they moved :( After they left some things came to light that indicated that their home was probably not a very pleasant place to live and then I felt some guilt. The stepfather was abusing the stepdaughter. Mother was on drugs. She actually broke into our house after they moved and stole money from us. Now I just feel sorry for the little guy and wonder what's happening with him.

 

I wish I could have been a more positive influence in his life but at the time, I had a house full of infants and toddlers and school-age children and they are my first responsibility.

 

Your kids are more important than other peoples' kids no matter what. Be firm, be consistent and don't stress if you need to tell him 15 times a day at first. My little nuisance did eventually cut it down to about 4 times a day which was still annoying but not as bad as the every 5 minute thing.

 

I just thought of something else . . . if he's five, he'll probably be going to school next year? That will naturally help cut down on the interruptions for at least part of the time.

[SKL]

Tell both the child and his mother that he can come over during X time of the day, but not at other times.

 

Then when he shows up early, say "it's not X time yet. You can come back at X time."

 

If he overstays, say "It's X time now. See you tomorrow!"

 

You can also make rules about them playing outside vs. inside. Don't allow things you're going to resent later. Frankly, that's not fair to the neighbor child.

 

I see absolutely nothing wrong with kids playing together with the neighbor kids every day. It's actually a wonderful thing. I wish we had some young kids in our neighborhood. However, boundaries really are necessary. A 5-year-old child can understand them.

[melissad2]

I have a neighbor kid who comes over every day after school. EVERY DAY. I had to start telling her "sorry we can't play today, try again tomorrow". I don't know why people let their kids do stuff like that but you're just going to have to say NO!

[Danestress]

I believe you have to be honest. Normally I am ok with polite lies, but this woman sounds aggressive and they live too near you.

 

It's ok to say, "We don't want to play today. We are having a family day." Or "I am tired and don't want to watch extra kids today." If you get any push back at all you can just tell her, "I really like being with just my children some days. Why don't we plan to play on Wednesday?"

[NotSoObvious]

We've had kids like this in the neighborhood. I just answer the door and say we can't play and tell them when they can come back.

[Guest submarines]

Do you have her phone number? If her child bangs on the door and won't leave, give her a call and tell her to pick him up. She's using you and she isn't a friend.

 

If she refuses to pick him up, call the non-emergency police number and ask them for advice.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: I totally agree with Jean; your local library may have the book BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend.

 

 

Family time is perfectly normal and it isn't unreasonable to expect her to follow your schedule. Personally, I'd consider putting up a two sided flippable sign that says playtime or family time. I would answer the door and say it isn't playtime or it's family time, and you need to go home. This can be said in a pleasant voice with a smile, and after a while he and the mother will get the message that you are not an on-call free sitter.

 

 

(How lucky she must feel getting her errand, housework and some free time from her son while you do all the work.)

[5forMe]

I wouldn't want this woman for a friend because this "friendship" is one sided. She is using you.

 

Her kid is a handful and she wants a place to send him when she is tired of dealing with him.

 

I probably would have lasted two days of this and then I would have put an end to it and she probably wouldn't speak to me again. Frankly I wouldn't care.

 

Good luck!

[unsinkable]

I have a neighbor kid who comes over every day after school. EVERY DAY. I had to start telling her "sorry we can't play today, try again tomorrow". I don't know why people let their kids do stuff like that but you're just going to have to say NO!

 

This used to be called childhood back in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s.

[Tammyla]

Oh, and I would insist that the young man, knock or ring the bell politely. If he kicked and pounded on my door; that would be an automatic suspension of visits for a week. And I let the momma know my new policy / policies.

[Tammyla]

It is okay to say no, for no good reason. Remind yourself that it is okay to say no and give no reason other than, this is not a good time or it doesn't work for us.

 

"Sorry, that's not possible at this time." You may need to get a sticky note and post this on your door, so that you can just look at it and repeat it until they get it.

[blondeviolin]

Hang a sign on your doorknob. Smiley face means he can come play, frowny face means come back another time.

 

I'd try something like this first.

 

I'd also talk to mom and let her know that your kids enjoy playing, but sometimes you're busy and so that sign will be best for all involved.

[Wabi Sabi]

I'm not sure I understand the problem with him coming over?

 

We also have a five year old neighbor boy who likes to come over frequently. He's what you might call an "intense" kid as well. I can't imagine ignoring him or trying to hide as he's knocking on the door. If it's not a good time we simply tell him that the kids can't play right now. Likewise, when he's over and we've had enough, I have no problem telling him that it's time for him to go home and will escort him to the door. Or, sometimes I'll have my oldest walk the kid home.

 

What happens if you simply tell him that your kids can't play at the moment? Surely he wouldn't stand on your porch kicking and screaming...or would he, LOL? :crying:

[Wabi Sabi]

I have a neighbor kid who comes over every day after school. EVERY DAY. I had to start telling her "sorry we can't play today, try again tomorrow". I don't know why people let their kids do stuff like that but you're just going to have to say NO!

 

I don't get it. What's the problem? She asks if they can play, you either answer yes or no. There's nothing wrong with a kid wanting to play, IMO.

[vonfirmath]

This used to be called childhood back in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s.

 

I was a child in the 70s and 80s and we didn't knock on neighbor's doors to play every day.

[Guest inoubliable]

Didn't we have another thread similar to this a while back?

Sounds just like it. Sounds like OP doesn't like the kid and the mom. Sounds like OP is finding excuses to not take the other mom up on her offer to watch OP's kids so she can justify not wanting to have the neighbor's kid over.

Anyway, what's with the shift from neighborhood kids being outside ALL day and/or playing with the neighbors with every spare minute they have?? I'm just 33 and *I* remember a childhood filled with endless hours outside with friends (run of the neighborhood or not) or at friend's houses playing. Sad that parents/kids now are so busy that they don't have time to play, or that they're so distracted by their electronic devices that they can't pause a game/movie/song to get outside and play with a friend, or that they're paranoid/being brought up in paranoia so that they end up being isolated from people not like them. I digress. I know.

[Ellie]

Girl, you have to put on your big girl panties, answer the door, and say "Orkie cannot come out now. Please go home. And don't bang on my door again."

 

I understand your being terribly annoyed that he comes over that early. Sheesh. What is his mother thinking?? However, I do NOT understand why you don't open the door and tell him to go home. Do it. You don't have to tell him why, or tell him when to come back, or talk to his mother, or anything. Just tell him no.

[Ellie]

I was a child in the 70s and 80s and we didn't knock on neighbor's doors to play every day.

 

I was a child in the 50s and 60s, and we didn't knock on neighbors' doors to play every day. And even if I don't remember doing it but we actually did, lol, there is no way on God's green earth that any one of us would have banged on the door and shouted if no one answered. :blink: If we had, our mothers would have found out, and life as we knew it would have been over. :ack2:

[unsinkable]

Yeah, we needed all you non-knockers for kickball.

 

Thanks for nothing.

[Word Nerd]

"No one can take advantage of you without your permission."—Ann Landers

You need to decide if your negative feelings about this situation are greater than your fear of confrontation. Given the audacity of telling you "it's not like you have anything else to do" (except provide her free daily babysitting services, apparently), she probably won't accept no for an answer without pushing back. Be prepared for the resistance and remain firm. "This arrangement isn't working for us. We are available after X p.m. on XYZ days." I think the green light/red light sign might be a useful visual reminder for the boy. When it's red, don't knock. When he knocks/pounds/screams at the door, tell him, "We can't play right now. Come back at X time."

 

You also don't owe anyone on this board an explanation for why you'd like a break from watching this child all. the. time.—and there's nothing wrong with that.

[melissad2]

 

 

I don't get it. What's the problem? She asks if they can play, you either answer yes or no. There's nothing wrong with a kid wanting to play, IMO.

 

She doesn't ask. She doesn't take no for an answer. I just have to keep telling her. She doesn't often knock (I often leave the front door unlocked). She grates on my nerves and her grandma thinks its ok for me to be her after school baby sitter apparently. I told her the baby was sick and she didn't need to come in so she says "well I had it two days ago"....well that's probably why the baby is sick!?!? I've never lived in a true neighborhood where kids come and go. I've always lived out in the country with no neighbors so all visits were prearranged by parents who had to drive their kids wherever they were going.

 

ETA... I learned to lock my front door real quick :)

[Trish]

I was a child in the 70s and 80s and we didn't knock on neighbor's doors to play every day.

 

Yes, same era (70s not 80s), and we pretty much DID go to the neighbors every day to ask kids to play. Not always the same neighbor, though, and sometimes they got to our house before we got to theirs. We generally played outside, not inside. Usually the inside door was open, and we called for the person in a singsongy voice through the screen door. "Oh, So-and-So." Then if nobody heard us we'd ring the bell. If they couldn't come out and play they would say so, or the mom would tell us.

 

If we were inside nobody's mom, including mine, had trouble telling anyone else's kids when it was "time to go home," or "you can come back after lunch," or whatever.

 

But we only had one car and my father had it at work, so there were no errands to run.

[GSOchristie]

We have a problem with my son and our neighbor, they love each other beyond compare. I, however, don't want them to play every day. This kid's dad actually does come over every time, so then I feel like I have to "entertain" him instead of working on lesson plans, menus, etc, which is what I generally do while my kids play in the cul de sac. Since it has been cold, the kid asks if Asher can play inside, which I would be fine with, only they play video games the whole time. I don't know how to phrase it without sounding like a condescending jerk, "we only allow him 20 minutes of screen time a day, and that is while I am cooking dinner, so sorry, he can't play inside because that is all your kid wants to do inside.". I finally explained to Asher that he could choose three days per week to play with him, one inside (either our house or his), two outside. On the other days, I just tell him we can't play, we have other things to do.

 

Of course, this kid is extremely polite and well-behaved, much more so than Asher, so he just says, "okay". If he didn't, I think I would just close the door saying, "bye" as I did.

[Word Nerd]

I don't get the hostility directed at the OP and others who prefer some boundaries. So neighbor kids playing together has to be all or nothing? It doesn't count as being a friendly neighbor unless you are willing to let them play whenever they want for as long as they want?

[MeghanL]

Yeah, we needed all you non-knockers for kickball.

 

Thanks for nothing.

 

 

:rofl:

[unsinkable]

 

 

Yes, same era (70s not 80s), and we pretty much DID go to the neighbors every day to ask kids to play. Not always the same neighbor, though, and sometimes they got to our house before we got to theirs. We generally played outside, not inside. Usually the inside door was open, and we called for the person in a singsongy voice through the screen door. "Oh, So-and-So." Then if nobody heard us we'd ring the bell. If they couldn't come out and play they would say so, or the mom would tell us.

 

If we were inside nobody's mom, including mine, had trouble telling anyone else's kids when it was "time to go home," or "you can come back after lunch," or whatever.

 

But we only had one car and my father had it at work, so there were no errands to run.

 

YES! To the sing-songy voice! We'd call, "Oh, Mike-y! Canyoucomeouttoplay?" This was in one neighborhood in the city.

 

When we moved to the suburbs, we knocked or rang the bell.

 

[KungFuPanda]

"We love spending time with little Johnny, but we're just not built to have company every day. It's over stimulating for all of us. Also, I need to get Jr. used to a regular school routine. I need to plan our time with little Johnny so that we can really enjoy it and look forward to it. It's generally calm here and Little Johnny adds a level of excitement that we need to be prepared for. If it works for your schedule, we'd like to see him from 2-4 on Mondays and Wednesdays."

 

She won't like it because she's sending him over whenever he gets on her nerves. However, you have to insist that she stick to the schedule or she will continue to walk all over you. You can also put out an object or flag when he is welcome to come over. The child will learn that if the garden gnome isn't on the front steps than you are not up for company and won't open the door unless its an emergency. (Mom not wanting to take him to the grocery store is NOT an emergency.)

[unsinkable]

 

 

So neighbor kids playing together has to be all or nothing?

 

Yes.

 

It's black or white.

 

Ebony or ivory.

 

ETA: when I originally quoted WordNerd, this was her entire post. She has since added several more sentences but I had fast fingers I guess...

[TammyinTN]

Honestly...I would get this in check asap. State the times to the mom that are good for you. She will adjust or move on. Also, that little man needs some rules which since he's in your home you should have no trouble putting into place. He either follows them, or there are consequences. I would have them outside burning energy when the weather is nice and really come up with so boundaries as to behavior and times that are good for you. When we lived in a neighborhood with lots of kids I painted a rock. Red sad face=not available, yellowsmiley face = ring the bell we can play. It worked like a charm. Good luck!

[*Lulu*]

 

 

I was a child in the 50s and 60s, and we didn't knock on neighbors' doors to play every day. And even if I don't remember doing it but we actually did, lol, there is no way on God's green earth that any one of us would have banged on the door and shouted if no one answered. :blink: If we had, our mothers would have found out, and life as we knew it would have been over. :ack2:

 

I remember playing own our neighborhood in the 80's and we didn't knock on doors everyday. That is because everyone was already outside.

 

I wish my kids could have a taste of that freedom where we live now, but we have no kids in our area of the neighborhood that are in thier age range. Having kids knocking at my door wanting to play with my crew would be an incredible gift.

[kitten18]

Yes, same era (70s not 80s), and we pretty much DID go to the neighbors every day to ask kids to play. Not always the same neighbor, though, and sometimes they got to our house before we got to theirs. We generally played outside, not inside. Usually the inside door was open, and we called for the person in a singsongy voice through the screen door. "Oh, So-and-So." Then if nobody heard us we'd ring the bell. If they couldn't come out and play they would say so, or the mom would tell us.

 

If we were inside nobody's mom, including mine, had trouble telling anyone else's kids when it was "time to go home," or "you can come back after lunch," or whatever.

 

But we only had one car and my father had it at work, so there were no errands to run.

I agree. Though I do feel for the OP. I would try the smiley face/sad face sign on the door and tell the little boy "ds can't play right now, we're reading/doing chores/having family time".

[*Lulu*]

I don't get the hostility directed at the OP and others who prefer some boundaries. So neighbor kids playing together has to be all or nothing? It doesn't count as being a friendly neighbor unless you are willing to let them play whenever they want for as long as they want?

 

Of course not!

 

The OP needs to dig deep and find a way to voice her needs to the neighbor. If she does not want to watch the kid, don't watch him. If it is a good time to play, let him play. If he is kicking her door, tell him to knock it off. If the other mother is using her, put up some boundaries. Let's just not vilify children everywhere who knock on doors to play or parents who allow this.

[Momof3littles]

We did a flag outside at one house. If it was out, it meant my kids could play.

 

In my current house we had to set boundaries with the neighbors across the street. Within 2 weeks of us moving in, they would be over at our house playing even when we weren't home. When I told them they couldn't do that, they would always have a response about how it was fine, they were safe. I rapidly realized these kids needed very, very firm boundaries. We've lived here for 2 years now, and I still rarely have them inside my house as they can destroy things in a heartbeat. I have three kids and am not a neat freak, but I won't allow them to rip up our playroom in 2 minutes flat.

 

My kids have always enjoyed physical work outside, like gardening, mulching, using a wheelbarrow, etc. I've found the neighborhood kids really enjoy doing this with us, so I tend to include them in that if they want to participate. THe oldest could really benefit from more structure and more outside time on the whole. I suspect he's probably ADHD. As he's gotten older he rarely plays outside at all. THe kids play hours of video games all day every day. But yet when they see my kids doing outside tasks, they do seem to really enjoy it.

 

In any case, some kids and adults just need really, really firm boundaries. I learned quickly that this neighborhood kid needs me to be very direct. If my kids need to come in to eat, I need to explicitly tell him playtime is over and that if my kids go back outside, they'll knock on his door...otherwise he hovers in my yard or just outside of it, waiting for them to come out. If I'm even a little wishy washy, he sense it and pushes really hard on the boundaries.

[Word Nerd]

Of course not!

 

The OP needs to dig deep and find a way to voice her needs to the neighbor. If she does not want to watch the kid, don't watch him. If it is a good time to play, let him play. If he is kicking her door, tell him to knock it off. If the other mother is using her, put up some boundaries. Let's just not vilify children everywhere who knock on doors to play or parents who allow this.

 

Fair enough.

[PrairieSong]

Wow, this poor kid does not sound like someone I would want my child playing with, and I'd be ticked that another mother was using me for free babysitting whenever she had an errand to run, or just wanted a break from her intense kid.

 

I don't see a problem with kids knocking on each other's doors--my kids and their friends have done it--but seriously, pounding and screaming and kicking the door? Coming over before breakfast? Being aggressive so you have to break up fights? I would be setting some firm boundaries. Today. Maybe they will respect your boundaries, or maybe the mom will be ticked and they won't have anything more to do with you. Either way, you're ahead.

[Wabi Sabi]

I don't get the hostility directed at the OP and others who prefer some boundaries. So neighbor kids playing together has to be all or nothing? It doesn't count as being a friendly neighbor unless you are willing to let them play whenever they want for as long as they want?

 

No hostility, I'm just suggesting that there's nothing wrong with a 5 y/o asking if his friends are available to play and likewise, there's nothing wrong with the parent firmly telling the child that the kids aren't free to play at the moment and/or that's it time to go home. I don't understand why anyone would hide inside from a 5 y/o instead of just being direct with the child. Poor kid is probably confused!

[briansmama]

I had a next door neighbor like that- she was thrown into being a stay-home mom and hated it. She would tell me how boring it was, etc. I was a new mom who chose to stay home for many reasons who loved it. She asked me all.of.the.time to watch her kids. If I was outside with mine, hers would come out too without her and I'd be watching all 3.

 

I had a hard time confronting her too because my ds liked her kids (though he was only a toddler) and I don't think she was ever trying to be mean or use me. I think she honestly didn't enjoy being home with her kids and was overwhelmed.

 

What worked really well was to just start saying no, sorry, we have other plans this week. She didn't have to know our plans were just to head for the library story time! And, when her 4yr old would show up at our door, I would answer, smile and say hi, and that sorry, we aren't available to play today. When he asked why, I would say we are doing family things.

 

It's tougher for you because you are committed to being home most days (which is such a good thing, and I wish I would have just stayed home more with my dc when they were so young). One thing that staying home offers your children is a set rhythm to their day. If you keep that rhythm going, you will be so motivated to nix any interruptions to that, and others will know what to expect (if you don't do this already).

 

So, even now as my boys are 6 and 9, our neighborhood playtime is after daily quiet time. My boys know they don't play with the neighborhood kids until 3pm each day.

 

Maybe set this rhythm and your neighbor will quickly catch on? And, I wouldn't host her ds in my home or go to their house. I would explain that you are working really hard to establish a healthy rhythm to your children's day and their playtime with friends is now going to be after quiet time/naps at 3pm. Then, take the toddler and head outside with balls, bubbles, etc and let the older 2 play together and the little one chase them. Once you get tired, pack everything up and say "ok, have a nice evening friends! Time for our family to head in."

 

[Danestress]

 

No hostility, I'm just suggesting that there's nothing wrong with a 5 y/o asking if his friends are available to play and likewise, there's nothing wrong with the parent firmly telling the child that the kids aren't free to play at the moment and/or that's it time to go home. I don't understand why anyone would hide inside from a 5 y/o instead of just being direct with the child. Poor kid is probably confused!

 

Well, I guess maybe the OP needs to help him not be confused. I think she is actually confused herself about the level of tact and patience one owes a five year old. How many times a day is she obliged to answer the door and give him the same speech about it not being a good time? If she is in the middle of changing a diaper and doesn't answer the door, is she supposed to accept that he's confused and therefore entitled to kick the door and scream?

 

If the kid is screaming and kicking at her door, I think he sounds like a child with a major issue. That's just not normal for a five year old, and one way to help him with his 'confusion' would be to tell him quite directly that this is unacceptable, that he is not welcome back until further notice, and that she is not obliged to answer the door just because someone rings. But that probably would seem really mean to some people even if most other people, even five year olds, don't need to be told these things.

[Snow]

It's amazing how pushy some kids (and moms) can be. We have a neighbor kid who has banged and kicked at our door...it was shocking and took me a second to process. I think it's important to follow up with the parents on that stuff and let them know. I mean, if my kid was banging on someone's door, I wouldn't know. So I walked the kid home and said to the mom, well we had an okay time, except in the beginning kid was kicking our door and I had to tell him that was just not okay. Dont you agree...

 

One time dh answeered the door and when we said we couldn't play. Kid says, why? Dh says, well we have to run to Target. Kid says, well why can't just one of you go, like Kate? :blink: Dh was right on it though and says, well, we like being together :o. Sadly, I think that's a foreign concept for these kids....doing something *together* as a family or even running errands....like, for fun???

[unsinkable]

Trying to post quickly so my dog can be under Kate's...i think they are cousins.

[Joker]

I grew up in a neighborhood where we knocked on each other's doors daily, but we never kicked or screamed. Sometimes no one would answer the door even when home and we knew to move on. Also, my mom would have never left to run errands while we were playing outside or in anyone's home at that age. She would have called us home to go with her. Sometimes the parents would say it was ok to leave us to play but mom would not just assume.

 

I think you need to talk to the mom and tell her sometimes you can't get to the door because you're busy and he needs not to throw a fit. I would also tell her if she needs you to watch him that she needs to ask first. You need to be able to say no if you don't want to do it.

[Momof3littles]

Well, I guess maybe the OP needs to help him not be confused. I think she is actually confused herself about the level of tact and patience one owes a five year old. How many times a day is she obliged to answer the door and give him the same speech about it not being a good time? If she is in the middle of changing a diaper and doesn't answer the door, is she supposed to accept that he's confused and therefore entitled to kick the door and scream?

 

If the kid is screaming and kicking at her door, I think he sounds like a child with a major issue. That's just not normal for a five year old, and one way to help him with his 'confusion' would be to tell him quite directly that this is unacceptable, that he is not welcome back until further notice, and that she is not obliged to answer the door just because someone rings. But that probably would seem really mean to some people even if most other people, even five year olds, don't need to be told these things.

Yep, we went through this too. The neighbor boys across the street that I mentioned upthread were 4 and 7. They would ring my doorbell several times a day, which doesn't sound like a big deal, unless you have an infant and have that disturbing BFing, naps, etc. They'd ring the bell, the dog would bark, baby would wake up, nearly every day. I tried a politely worded sign, and then figured out that the 7yo couldn't (or wouldn't) read it, even when hung OVER the doorbell. If I said it wasn't a good time, they'd knock 1-2 hours later and ask if it was a good time. Or wander into my backyard to see what was going on. I also felt like if we were out at all, it was an open invite. Sometimes I didn't want it to be an open invite, iykwim. The older has no safety awareness at all, and would mow over my toddler, accidentally whack him with a stick or bat, whatever. I don't think it is my obligation to supervise him when I didn't invite him. I sometimes want my kids to play outside while I watch from the window and get dinner started, etc. I can't do that with these kids over. They also will show up and play for a while and then tell me they were vomiting yesterday, kwim? The parent knows they are over but doesn't feel the need to say hey, today might not be the best day to hang out with friends. The whole thing taken together just feels unfair sometimes.

 

My kids have freeranged a bit in both of our last homes, but with certain rules and expectations in place. In my current and previous neighborhood, that was quite common. In many ways it was nice, but it also comes with challenges. Sometimes I didn't want a gaggle of kids at my house that were then my responsibility to watch. In my last house, I was 39 weeks pregnant, packing for an out of state move, etc. and there would be 6-8 neighborhood kids wandering over to play in my backyard. I was okay with my 6 and 3 yo playing in the yard while I'd pop out to check on them, watch from the window, etc. but I can't do that with the whole neighborhood over. Everyone knew we were moving, I was super pregnant, etc. yet no parent seemed to think maybe their kids should *ask* to come over vs. show up. And I might not care too much, but these days I worry someone will get hurt and then it will be your fault as a parent for not directly supervising.

 

I definitely value having a neighborhood where kids play outside, and it was a priority for us, especially with HSing. But I do find that some kids really need boundaries. It was frustrating to feel like the official hang out house when you don't always want to babysit the whole neighborhood. I wish the other parents would teach their children to respect the boundaries, ask if it is okay to play and then abide by the adult's answer, respect other people's property, etc. I wish they'd also have the common sense to not encourage their kids to hang out and play when they were puking yesterday or while they have snot streaming out every orifice. I'm okay with skipping those days ;)

 

In one case, one neighbor was leaving their youngest son home alone (I won't go into details, but it was eyebrow raising. They are two highly educated professionals, and IMO this was not a gray area situation). The free ranging kids from across the street would knock on the door, and the very young neighbor left home alone would allow them in. THe free ranging parent had no clue the young child was home alone, and her kids were over there playing. You'd think this would have reinforced the danger of this scenario to both parties, but it hasn't! Young kid was too young and naive to be left home alone, answered the door and allowed someone in while there was no parent at home. The other parent continues to allow her kids free range when they habitually impose or make poor decisions. :confused1:

[PrairieSong]

Trying to post quickly so my dog can be under Kate's...i think they are cousins.

 

Well I hope they have manners and do not bang or kick on doors, and certainly not before breakfast, no matter how cute they are.

[Parrothead]

Sweetie, you are the grown up and in charge of your children. You are going to have to mom-up and say no. The kid is pounding and kicking at your door, you call his mom and tell her to come get her kid. You tell her that you are starting homeschooling and your kids won't be available until 2:30 in the afternoon.

 

She can find someone else to dump her kid on. And that is exactly what she is doing. Dumping him on you so she doesn't have to deal with her "intense" child. She needs to mom-up and parent her own kid.

 

And who runs errands every single day? That is crazy.