Neighbor's kid keeps coming over

[PrairieSong]

And who runs errands every single day? That is crazy.

 

Someone who wants a break from her intense kid, maybe.

 

[Joanne]

A few things:

1. Before setting boundaries, it might help to take a step back from the judgment. Your OP is quite heavy with judgment.
   
2. You give mixed signals. Your own words are you don't mind them playing together, that it was an agreed on "trade" but your post was open that it isn't working for you.
   
3. You haven't been firm with her or the child. You can't hold them to a standard of behavior you have not communicated.
   
4. If someone said to me "it's not like you are doing anything" in response to my kind hostessing of their child, that would be the end of the relationship. Period.
   

[Parrothead]

Someone who wants a break from her intense kid, maybe.

 

I know, right? I wondered if her errands included 30 minutes sitting at Starbucks.

[Giraffe]

 

I know, right? I wondered if her errands included 30 minutes sitting at Starbucks.

 

Of course - don't all errand trips include this?! :tongue_smilie:

[Catwoman]

And who runs errands every single day? That is crazy.

 

I'm out of the house pretty much every single day, whether it's running errands, mindless shopping, or going out for coffee or lunch, but my ds always comes with me. I would never dream of pawning him off on a neighbor -- that would be so RUDE!

 

And needless to say, none of the neighbor moms would even think of asking me to watch their kids while they went to the store, because they know it's not going to happen. They always ask one particular mom... the one who doesn't know how to say no. (And I know she wants to say no, but she doesn't have the nerve to do it.)

 

OP, don't be "the mom who doesn't know how to say no!"

[laundrycrisis]

Don't do what I did. I was tense and often miserable and had many, many days derailed due a neighbor with boundary problems, for four years, because we were afraid of fallout from setting boundaries in a push-comes-to-shove kind of way. The neighbor family had no such inhibitions about aggressively taking advantage of us, to the point that it was literally stalking at times.

 

I finally did blow up and deal with things. There was fallout, and a lot of tension at home over it, and we don't have much of a relationship at all with these neighbors anymore, but we have all survived this, and life has been so much better since this was resolved. I feel it is unfortunate that they couldn't be reasonable before it came to that point, and that our son has pretty much lost a friend he enjoyed, but overall it's been for the best and I wish I had dealt with things that firmly from the first day it was a problem. My memories of those years with our boys would have been so much nicer if I had not allowed this carp to continue. :( Another family who was affected by the same people actually sold their house and bought an indentical house less than 5 miles away - the boundary issues with the family were that bad.

 

Here is what you need to do - when you know she is home, go knock on the door. Inform her that the arrangement of swapping child care is not working for you and you will no longer be doing this with her, and it is not okay for her to leave her kid with you while she runs errands anymore. Also, all playtime between the kids from now on will occur outside only, in the front yards, and your son is only available to do this when it works for you. Also tell her you do not want their son banging on your door before x am, ever, and that if he is yelling through the door, you will automatically be telling him no.

 

Your neighbor sounds quite pushy. Expect her to get pushier, maybe even quite nasty about this. This would be her attempt to bully you into letting her continue to have her way with your time and space. Let it roll off your back.

 

The ONLY way you will ever be able to enjoy any peace in your home with a neighbor family like this nearby is to make these boundaries out of cast iron.

[SKL]

There is a big difference between a kid coming over and asking if Little Johnny can play, and kicking and yelling at your door. Since it seems nobody has told this child the difference (or he didn't listen when they did), you should tell him yourself. You might be surprised how effective it is for an adult other than Mom to tell a child off (gently but firmly). Just say "that is not the right way to knock on a door. (Demonstrate the right way.) From now on if you do ___, you will not be allowed in at all and I may have to call your mother and tell her why." Child will probably run away and hide the first time, but it will most likely get through to him.

 

As for the arrangement with the mom. You agreed to it, it sounds like. Just because you are not taking advantage of the mutual agreement does not mean the other mom is wrong for doing so. You need to cancel the agreement explicitly. Figure out what does work (e.g., only one day per week), state it, and stick to it. If the mom breaks the deal, point it out to her. Tell her that you were planning to do ABC since it was not your day to watch her kid, and now you will have to do ABC on your otherwise open day. Don't sound too nice about it.

 

To me, it would really seem strange to be told that my kids could only spend time with your kids on one day per week, say. Kids ought to be playing together. Especially kids who don't go to school / daycare. On the other hand, I would be completely understanding if you said they could only play outside, or between certain hours, etc.

 

And as for the child's general behavior, it's the same as when he bangs/kicks on your door. Tell him that is not allowed and if he does it, he will be sent home for the remainder of the day. Then absolutely follow through. But let him redeem himself on another day.

[LaughingCat]

My neighborhood growing up was majorly free range growing up (as in "get out of the house and don't come back until dinner") but none of us were free range at 5 years old. I wasn't out by myself knocking on anybody's door as a 5 yo - I was allowed out only in my own yard (and woe betide me if I didn't stay there!)

[freeindeed]

Agreeing that you must set boundaries, be firm and direct, and then stick to it. You are completely being taken advantage of, and only you can stop it.

[freeindeed]

Oops...double post

[momto3innc]

I'm fairly non-confrontational, but obviously this needs to be confronted. I would probably be tempted to "blame" it a bit on school.

 

I would probably say, "You know, we've been super laid back with our schooling so far but are going to start to do quite a bit all morning, M-F and then have some quiet/rest time after lunch. As a result, little Johnny cannot come over in the mornings or early afternoons. Thanks for your understanding. If he does, open the door, say you are not available, say goodbye. Do not for any reason let him in your house. Now school may very well be some very intense block building :) Who cares? It's your day.

 

Then, I would also say, "because of my schedule getting busier, I can only watch little Johnny one afternoon a week for 3 hours (or what have you...and this only if you want to). Please check with me ahead of time to make sure that day will work. Thanks!"

 

Other ways mentioned are definitely more direct. But since I'm kind of a wimp...this is probably what I would do. Actually it's kind of what I do. When people ask me to watch their kids on days the ps is out, I often say, "Sorry, we have school that day." This should be enough. We are educating our kids. It's a job.

[zoobie]

Some of the best advice I've gotten: NO is a complete sentence.

 

You can say "no" politely. With a smile even. But adding "sorry" or otherwise couching it gently does not work with some people. Clearly this neighbor has no problem being assertive with her needs and does not take hints.

 

If the kid beats on your door, you tell him, "Honey, do not beat on my door. If you do that, the answer will always be no." And then follow through! :)

[QuirkyKapers]

What is the problem with neighbor kids? Here is my take:

 

When I say no, the kids can't play. They argue and want to know why.

When my kids say no, they can't play. They argue. They tell my kids go ask your mom again. My kids say no, my mom said no and come inside.

One day, the kids said they were going to stay in our backyard until they came out. My kids came in. (He left. It wasn't a warm day.)

One day, he told my kids well, who am I going to be able to play with? They shrugged their shoulders and came in.

 

I have said no, they can't play kickball in the front yard backyard only. They know this is one of my rules. They know why I don't like it, the ball goes in the street. (The cars go down the road at maddeningly fast speeds. In fact, a car has swerved off the road twice and gone through our front yard both times). They don't care. They still ask. I still say no. every.time. and they still argue. They know the house rules. I have told them. They have repeated them back even. You don't follow than you are asked to leave. They know that just because they are told to leave one day, doesn't mean they aren't invited to back ever. I am careful that if they were univited because of behavior that the next time they come over, I tell them it is o.k. to play.

 

They come over my house and ruin my kids backyard things. They ruin my stonewalk way (literally picking up big stone slabs and moving them.)Yes, I have confronted and told them not to do that. They look and me and smile and say o.k. The next time it is off to destroy something else. They have littered in our yard. I have seen it and told them to pick it up. They look at me and say they didn't do it. I tell them I saw them. They smile and pick it up.

 

They argue with my husband. My husband told the kids they needed to go home because of behavior and the child had the audacity to tell him, he could be at our house because his mom told him he could be there. After much, can I just reiterate much, arguing, he left.

 

Here's the bottom line for me, I don't have the emotional energy to deal with children who are going to come over my house and argue with me about what I am saying. That is why I tell them no and only have them over about once a week. I set firm boundaries but I can understand wanting to hide in in the house. I only have so much emotional energy and after dealing with arguements in my family, I really don't feel like or want to deal with arguments with children. Yes, I have talked to the parents. Yes, the kids are going to argue. However, when my kids tell them my mom said we can't do that or they are being rude and calling my kids names and my kids are telling them it is unacceptable, why than should I invest my emotional energy having them here every. day. Yes, I have been told it could be my mission.

 

Is it really being unreasonable to say, I don't want the neighbor kids here every day? Especially since I just want to have some downtime after I am done schooling them and before my dh gets home, which inevitably is the time the neighbors are coming over?

 

I think if someone is comfortable handling conflict, these types of things probably just roll off their back. I hate conflict. I can set good boundaries, but it is hard. Especially since growing up, I wasn't allowed to have healthy boundaries. What I thought, felt- didn't count. It was discredited. Most of the time, I was told what I thought was wrong or it wasn't loving toward the other person or I was selfish and just thinking about myself. I have worked hard on boundaries. So, the way I deal with this is to limit the play. Maybe it is wimpy. But I can own my wimpyness in light of the fact that I know my wimpy now is less wimpy than my wimpy before :tongue_smilie:

[Momof3littles]

Quirkycapers, I totally, totally understand! BTDT, and I'm the same way. We've dealt with quite a bit of the same stuff.

[Tammi K]

 

To me, it would really seem strange to be told that my kids could only spend time with your kids on one day per week, say. Kids ought to be playing together. Especially kids who don't go to school / daycare.

 

 

Really?

I can't tell you that I only want your kids to come over one day a week?

I can't have plans, even if my plans involve indoor things for my own children, and allow your child to be part of my schedule one day a week?

My kid has to play with yours? Especially because he doesn't go to school?

 

I don't see how you get to make that decision for someone else. If I only want to allow one day a week for my children to have outside interests that's my decision.

[laundrycrisis]

I don't get it. What's the problem? She asks if they can play, you either answer yes or no. There's nothing wrong with a kid wanting to play, IMO.

 

 

It's a totally different dynamic when the child's parents are intentionally sending the kid over as a way to get him out of their own hair, or actively working to manipulate lots of time in which their child is being watched for free by a neighbor so they can go do what they want. In our case, the kid was encouraged to not take no for an answer, and invite himself into our time and space, and when that didn't work, a parent or older sibling would show up with him and make the case...or the parents were actually calling us when we weren't even home and trying to get committments out of us for times for him to come over. Hard to explain but it went way beyond just telling a child that our child wasn't available to play right now.

[Parrothead]

 

Really?

I can't tell you that I only want your kids to come over one day a week?

I can't have plans, even if my plans involve indoor things for my own children, and allow your child to be part of my schedule one day a week?

My kid has to play with yours? Especially because he doesn't go to school?

 

I don't see how you get to make that decision for someone else. If I only want to allow one day a week for my children to have outside interests that's my decision.

 

 

That is not what she said. She just stated her opinion that she thinks it strange if the neighbor kid can only play one day a week. I would think it strange also.

 

You took her opinion awfully personally.

[kiwik]

I would think it strange to say you can only play together one day a week too. It wouldn't seem odd to say only after lunch or whatever. I also would consider letting my kids knock on the door before mid morning a bit unreasonable too.

 

I have a friend who has a similar problem with a neighbour kid who turns up the minute she gets home from work and has been known to play in her yard or borrow her son's stuff while they are out.

[Um_2_4]

Just from experience, unfortuantly, I would just say no and not give reasons. If you use "school work" as a reason, this type of person may see a potential for free schooling for her child and say "oh, well since they are close in age you can teach them together, won't that be fun for them!"

Ask me how I know.

I had issues with neighbor kids, but not to that level. Luckily my dh was friends with their father so he was able to say something in passing. I just had to lay down my guidelines for that family: only in the front and only on weekends. Being pg with the twins, I just could not handle the level of destruction those kids brought.

 

[SKL]

Really?

I can't tell you that I only want your kids to come over one day a week?

I can't have plans, even if my plans involve indoor things for my own children, and allow your child to be part of my schedule one day a week?

My kid has to play with yours? Especially because he doesn't go to school?

 

I don't see how you get to make that decision for someone else. If I only want to allow one day a week for my children to have outside interests that's my decision.

 

 

Of course it is your decision. But I still think it is a bit strange. For the average child, free play time with other kids is healthy. Of course not *all the time,* but within respectful boundaries.

 

Now if you have other stuff to do on some days of the week, that's very understandable. My kids are hardly ever home, so I understand that. When we are home, one of my kids has a lot of remedial work to do, and the other one is frankly not very social. But I go out of my way to get them into situations where they have free play time with/around other kids (none happen to live in our neighborhood). I think it's important.

 

You don't seem to like the little boy in question, because he hasn't been raised the way your son has. But that's always going to be the case when your kids hang out with other kids. In my opinion, keeping a child away from other kids because you may have to do damage control later is not helpful. Kids need to learn that other families are different and your rules still apply to your kids and your house.

[Mandylubug]

I think there is a difference between playing with neighbors and free range children. When we were active duty living on post; there were so many kids that were free ranging like a bunch of chickens. I sent post-iits with my info for their parents to call me to arrange play time and they never called. They just let their kid roam. I personally think it is sad. I say set firm boundaries with the kid and walk over to the neighbor and set the same boundaries.

[*Michelle*]

Goodness. I must be the meanest parent in the neighborhood. I've only really had to deal with one kid so far, but I never had any qualms about turning him out as soon as he acted up. Either play by our rules or go somewhere else. We are a little oddball when it comes to neighbors, though. We really try to maintain a polite distance. I don't feel like having to be friends with people just because we happened to buy houses on the same street. We're friendly enough to know their names and concerned enough to call the police if we ever see someone breaking into their homes. I refuse to be a prisoner in my own house or feel like I can't be outside with my kids for fear that I'll wind up babysitting half the block.

 

Yes, I am cold, cold-hearted. :cool:

[unsinkable]

I think there is a difference between playing with neighbors and free range children. When we were active duty living on post; there were so many kids that were free ranging like a bunch of chickens. I sent post-iits with my info for their parents to call me to arrange play time and they never called. They just let their kid roam. I personally think it is sad. I say set firm boundaries with the kid and walk over to the neighbor and set the same boundaries.

 

Could you expand on what you think is sad?

[Mandylubug]

 

 

Could you expand on what you think is sad?

 

I think allowing children to roam the neighborhood constantly, not communicating and respecting your neighbors privacy and never controlling your children to not harrass your neighbors is sad on behalf of the parents. I allow my children to play with the neighbors but they know if they are busy to come home. They aren't allowed to go over until after a certain time period and vice versa with our current neighbors. Their child knows when I say they can't play they leave. My point was I have been in the annoying situation when the neighbors children weren't taught proper behavior and it is annoying.

[Catwoman]

Goodness. I must be the meanest parent in the neighborhood. I've only really had to deal with one kid so far, but I never had any qualms about turning him out as soon as he acted up. Either play by our rules or go somewhere else. We are a little oddball when it comes to neighbors, though. We really try to maintain a polite distance. I don't feel like having to be friends with people just because we happened to buy houses on the same street. We're friendly enough to know their names and concerned enough to call the police if we ever see someone breaking into their homes. I refuse to be a prisoner in my own house or feel like I can't be outside with my kids for fear that I'll wind up babysitting half the block.

 

Yes, I am cold, cold-hearted. :cool:

 

I'm right there with you. :)

[SKL]

Well, I was pretty free-range as a kid. And at the same time, my mom did NOT allow other people's kids into our house. We were to play outside if we wanted to be with the neighbor kids.

 

Requiring the kids to play outside (if with the neighbor kids) is pretty self-regulating if you think about it. There's only so much to do out there, nothing to eat, and it gets cold / hot after a while. Rainy days are out. It's also a lot less likely that the neighbor kid is going to make a mess or break something you care about if you don't let them in the house.

 

I do not agree that kids playing outside means you're babysitting the other person's kid. If that is how you feel, though, why not send them to the other kid's yard, so it's his parent who is having to babysit?

 

Whatever you decide, stick to it so that you aren't doing things with resentment.

[Danestress]

 

 

When I was a kid it was the same. Other kids could play in our yard, but not generally come in. And no, my mother didn't feel obligated to babysit them when they were over in our yard. We weren't five though. I just wonder if the other parent would expect that? I wouldn't, but then I wouldn't send my 5 year old to a stranger's house.

 

I agree. Two five year olds without older siblings need some frequent checking on at the very least.

[laundrycrisis]

Although I assume this might resolve itself next school year? Is that child going to school soon? Then this won't be a factor all year long every day.

 

 

I thought my situation would be resolved by the child starting school. It wasn't. I still had problems after school, every school holiday and break, and all summer long. I used to dread summers. I planned our routine to have us out of the house for several hours every morning for the first two weeks of summer break, hoping to stop this child from establishing a pattern for the whole summer of waking up and heading to our front door every day.

 

The only way to deal with this is to set boundaries now. Neighbor child should not be expecting to be allowed to dominate the time of the OP's child. Neighbor child's parent should not expect to be able to use the OP's child and parent as her plan for "dealing with" her own kid.

 

We were afraid of being disliked by neighbors. Over the long run, me not being able to have any peace in our home because I felt like a sitting duck, and knowing that our house was being watched for us to return home whenever we went out, or not being able to relax about not having our days disrupted, was much worse.

[SKL]

 

When I was a kid it was the same. Other kids could play in our yard, but not generally come in. And no, my mother didn't feel obligated to babysit them when they were over in our yard. We weren't five though. I just wonder if the other parent would expect that? I wouldn't, but then I wouldn't send my 5 year old to a stranger's house.

 

But I got the impression they are next-door neighbors. (Maybe I'm wrong about that.) Each parent would be able to peek out the window from time to time as the kids play in their adjoining yards.

 

I have memories from as young as my 4th birthday when I was playing at the next-door neighbor's yard with just the kids outdoors. Doesn't seem to be an extreme idea to me. Then again, I don't consider it necessary to be right there when a 4yo / 5yo play outdoors, assuming there are no obvious dangers such as a pond.

[unsinkable]

I think allowing children to roam the neighborhood constantly, not communicating and respecting your neighbors privacy and never controlling your children to not harrass your neighbors is sad on behalf of the parents. I allow my children to play with the neighbors but they know if they are busy to come home. They aren't allowed to go over until after a certain time period and vice versa with our current neighbors. Their child knows when I say they can't play they leave. My point was I have been in the annoying situation when the neighbors children weren't taught proper behavior and it is annoying.

 

Thanks.

 

I don't necessarily equate free range children with disrespectful children.

[SKL]

Thanks.

 

I don't necessarily equate free range children with disrespectful children.

 

I agree. But at the same time, kids will act differently from the way they were "taught" if their parents are not around and other parents allow stuff. Back in our free-range neighborhood, parents had no problem telling other people's kids off, or sending them home when their behavior was annoying. Kids quickly learn that if they want to play in X's yard, they have to follow the rules of X's parents.

[Guest submarines]

That is not what she said. She just stated her opinion that she thinks it strange if the neighbor kid can only play one day a week. I would think it strange also.

 

You took her opinion awfully personally.

 

It is strange if the kids are getting along splendidly and are good friends. In the OP's situation the visiting child is a lot of work for her as she has to supervise so much. The kid is being sent there to be babysat for free! Yikes!

 

I'd love if my kids had good friends on the street so that they could spend hours playing. Unfortunately, we've gone through similar issues of the kids knocking on the door despite signs not to knock (and a baby napping) and the kids emotionally bullying my kids, and I had to set very strict boundaries. Now they are not friends at all, and everyone's relieved.

[Parrothead]

Well, I was pretty free-range as a kid. And at the same time, my mom did NOT allow other people's kids into our house. We were to play outside if we wanted to be with the neighbor kids.

 

Requiring the kids to play outside (if with the neighbor kids) is pretty self-regulating if you think about it. There's only so much to do out there, nothing to eat, and it gets cold / hot after a while. Rainy days are out. It's also a lot less likely that the neighbor kid is going to make a mess or break something you care about if you don't let them in the house.

 

I do not agree that kids playing outside means you're babysitting the other person's kid. If that is how you feel, though, why not send them to the other kid's yard, so it's his parent who is having to babysit?

 

Whatever you decide, stick to it so that you aren't doing things with resentment.

 

I agree with you about kids playing outside meaning one is not babysitting. Unfortunately some parents don't agree. A few years ago when I lived in a kid friendly neighborhood, I had one set of parents show up at my door trying to make me responsible because their kid got hurt playing with the neighborhood kids. In their crazy opinion just because my kid was one of the kids playing and the incident happened across the street of my house in the empty house's yard it was my responsibility. Strange complicated logic there.

[KungFuPanda]

 

 

I agree with you about kids playing outside meaning one is not babysitting. Unfortunately some parents don't agree. A few years ago when I lived in a kid friendly neighborhood, I had one set of parents show up at my door trying to make me responsible because their kid got hurt playing with the neighborhood kids. In their crazy opinion just because my kid was one of the kids playing and the incident happened across the street of my house in the empty house's yard it was my responsibility. Strange complicated logic there.

 

WOW, they sound like interesting people.

[Momof3littles]

I agree about supervision and liability. I am fine with my kids playing outside while I check on them or watch out the kitchen window while prepping dinner. Our issue, as I mentioned upthread, is that the kids who pop over all of the time in my neighborhood are a bit impulsive. The eldest will swing sticks, run people over, etc. I don't think he's a bad kid, but he's the kind of kid that has trouble anticipating the outcome of his actions and just kind of attracts bad outcomes. He will ride his bike and accidentally crash into a kid, get on, and do it again in 5 mins even though he's 8. So yeah, when he's over, I absolutely feel like I have to supervise, or my kids will get hurt (especially my almost 3 yo). When it is just my 3 kids, I feel like watching out the window and checking on them is fine. When the other kids are over, there's no way that's adequate. I don't think I should have to keep the almost 3 yo inside just because the other kids are over. I don't dislike the neighbor kids, but they do require more supervision IME than my own kids. One of their mom's rules is that they can't climb trees. My kids are normally allowed to within reason. However, every time they are at my house, their kids climb trees, even though I tell them beforehand (and my own kids while they are over ) that there's no tree climbing. Period. If I look out the window, the neighbors are inevitably in a tree. If they fall, I don't trust it won't be "my fault" because I wasn't out there supervising. The neighbor kids have a pool, and if I send my kids over there, I don't always trust there is supervision. The ladder isn't always away, etc. I've witnessed it more than once. So I'm not okay with my kids wandering over there to play, and their mom doesn't supervise. And I'm telling you, the older kid in particular tends to always accidentally injure someone. I happens regularly with him. Not a bad kid, but definitely impulsive and doesn't think before he does something. I don't need my kids getting a large stick to the face because no one is there to tell the other kid to put the sticks down.

[Parrothead]

WOW, they sound like interesting people.

 

Yeah, this is the same kid who emptied my linen closet contents on to the floor. No home training at all. Then after the parents showed up at my door demanding to know what happened outside I told dd enough. We moved a few months after that.

 

There are so many nutballs out there. I wonder if they are all related in some way. Maybe they share some wild nutball ancestor or something.

[Catwoman]

I agree. Two five year olds without older siblings need some frequent checking on at the very least.

 

I agree.

 

And I wouldn't trust the other mom to do it, because it sounds like she's already trying to avoid watching her own child, so I would never count on her to watch mine.

[Catwoman]

 

It is strange if the kids are getting along splendidly and are good friends. In the OP's situation the visiting child is a lot of work for her as she has to supervise so much. The kid is being sent there to be babysat for free! Yikes!

 

I'd love if my kids had good friends on the street so that they could spend hours playing. Unfortunately, we've gone through similar issues of the kids knocking on the door despite signs not to knock (and a baby napping) and the kids emotionally bullying my kids, and I had to set very strict boundaries. Now they are not friends at all, and everyone's relieved.

 

:iagree:

 

The thing I don't understand is that some people seem to think the OP has some sort of obligation to let her child play with this bratty neighbor kid.

 

Just because they're neighbors doesn't mean they have to be friends.

 

The main issue here is that the other mom is taking advantage of the OP and using her as a free babysitter. The OP is not happy with the intrusion. She has stated that she and her kids were a lot happier before the neighbor kid situation started, and that she wishes she could go back to the way things used to be. So why is it so important that she make compromises and have her child play with the neighbor kid on a regular basis? Why shouldn't she be able to simply tell the neighbor that things aren't working out, and that the kids will only be able to play together occasionally?

 

Sometimes it's OK to just say no and be done with it.

[SKL]

:iagree:

 

The thing I don't understand is that some people seem to think the OP has some sort of obligation to let her child play with this bratty neighbor kid.

 

Just because they're neighbors doesn't mean they have to be friends.

 

The main issue here is that the other mom is taking advantage of the OP and using her as a free babysitter. The OP is not happy with the intrusion. She has stated that she and her kids were a lot happier before the neighbor kid situation started, and that she wishes she could go back to the way things used to be. So why is it so important that she make compromises and have her child play with the neighbor kid on a regular basis? Why shouldn't she be able to simply tell the neighbor that things aren't working out, and that the kids will only be able to play together occasionally?

 

Sometimes it's OK to just say no and be done with it.

 

The OP said she doesn't mind the kids playing together.

 

I agree (and said) that she needs to establish boundaries for both behavior and reasonable play times. I just think a boundary as extreme as "only on X day" would not do her own kid any favors. From the sound of things, her 4.5yo doesn't have anyone else to play with except his 2yo sibling.

[Wheres Toto]

I don't have a problem with free-range kids but I do think 5 is young to be wandering around a neighborhood. I would also expect any parents to be at home ready to deal with any problems while their kid is outside playing, not assuming that some neighbor was watching them.

[laundrycrisis]

:iagree:

 

The thing I don't understand is that some people seem to think the OP has some sort of obligation to let her child play with this bratty neighbor kid.

 

Just because they're neighbors doesn't mean they have to be friends.

 

The main issue here is that the other mom is taking advantage of the OP and using her as a free babysitter. The OP is not happy with the intrusion. She has stated that she and her kids were a lot happier before the neighbor kid situation started, and that she wishes she could go back to the way things used to be. So why is it so important that she make compromises and have her child play with the neighbor kid on a regular basis? Why shouldn't she be able to simply tell the neighbor that things aren't working out, and that the kids will only be able to play together occasionally?

 

Sometimes it's OK to just say no and be done with it.

 

Exactly. We are not in any way obligated to make time in our private lives and space in our private homes to provide entertainment for someone else's child. It doesn't matter at all if anyone else thinks the OP's son would benefit, or she should be more understanding about the other mom needing a break, or whatever. Living near another child does not make us in any way obligated to welcome the other child into our family's private time and space. Some of the posts here seem to convey an attitude of entitlement regarding kids playing together. Private homes are private homes. We should never feel that our children are entitled to another family's time and space, period. Our children are our responsibility, and the only time, company and space we are entitled to is our own.

 

We have a really good arrangement with the family next door to us. They have two girls about the same ages as our two boys. If their kids are out front, they can play. If our kids are out front, they can play. And there very occasionally is some door-knocking on a nice day, but it's never excessive, the kids from both households have no issue with being told, "not today" or "not right now". There is no expectation of going into each others' houses, or of anyone leaving their kids with the other parents, and the amount of time they play together is never excessive. If there is a friend visiting at one house, the kids from the other house automatically don't interrupt the playdate. There are very nice boundaries established, and we are really comfortable with this. Because of this, I would not mind at all if one of both of their kids were occasionally left with us during a quick errand, because I know it would be a very occasional thing, of very short duration. Our kids play together when they want to and when it works out for both families. When someone doesn't want to or it doesn't work out, it's no big deal. There is never any pressure or expectation. This is how neighbor kids playing together should work. Nobody should ever feel pressured, obligated or encroached upon.

[PrairieSong]

 

There are so many nutballs out there. I wonder if they are all related in some way. Maybe they share some wild nutball ancestor or something.

 

Sorry but I couldn't resist.

 

http://fun-ideas.blogspot.com/2011/02/far-side-again.html

[SKL]

 

Exactly. We are not in any way obligated to make time in our private lives and space in our private homes to provide entertainment for someone else's child. It doesn't matter at all if anyone else thinks the OP's son would benefit, or she should be more understanding about the other mom needing a break, or whatever. Living near another child does not make us in any way obligated to welcome the other child into our family's private time and space. Some of the posts here seem to convey an attitude of entitlement regarding kids playing together. Private homes are private homes. We should never feel that our children are entitled to another family's time and space, period. Our children are our responsibility, and the only time, company and space we are entitled to is our own.

 

 

I'm not sure we're speaking the same language. Personally I do not recommend inviting the neighbor kids into one's house, nor allowing door-knocking at all hours. That's a whole different thing from saying our time is "private family time" 24/7. I'm sorry, but who needs that much private family time?

 

It is good for all of our kids to have time to hang out together doing non-directed kid things. This is actually a proven fact, but I don't have cites and don't intend to go find them. This is just one of many things we tolerate for our kids even if it isn't necessarily our personal cup of tea.

[laundrycrisis]

I'm not sure we're speaking the same language. Personally I do not recommend inviting the neighbor kids into one's house, nor allowing door-knocking at all hours. That's a whole different thing from saying our time is "private family time" 24/7. I'm sorry, but who needs that much private family time?

 

It is good for all of our kids to have time to hang out together doing non-directed kid things. This is actually a proven fact, but I don't have cites and don't intend to go find them. This is just one of many things we tolerate for our kids even if it isn't necessarily our personal cup of tea.

 

The problem the OP is having is not that they play together, but a problem of the neighbors' - both the child and the mother - expectations. They are excessive and encroaching. Both the child and the mother sound quite pushy about this expectation of playtime whenever the neighbor child, or his mother wants it. OP's alarms are going off, and there is a good reason for this.

 

She wants to set limits on the time her son is available to play as a means to change the neighbor family's expectations. This is a healthy, constructive thing for her to do. It is important to her to set some boundaries regarding this neighbor child. She is at risk of not having the peaceful enjoyment of her own home and children if she doesn't establish those boundaries.

 

In our situation, the neighbor was quite cheesed off whenever I said no, not today, not right now, not until after 10 am or 3 pm, etc. She was at times aggressive and/or manipulative, and very confrontational, about getting our kids together playing. Why ? Because her household wanted their child out of their hair for a while, and she had a huge sense of entitlement about using playtime with other kids as a solution to dealing with her own child. The OP should be very wary of this situation, and get it under control quickly.

[Catwoman]

 

I'm not sure we're speaking the same language. Personally I do not recommend inviting the neighbor kids into one's house, nor allowing door-knocking at all hours. That's a whole different thing from saying our time is "private family time" 24/7. I'm sorry, but who needs that much private family time?

 

It is good for all of our kids to have time to hang out together doing non-directed kid things. This is actually a proven fact, but I don't have cites and don't intend to go find them. This is just one of many things we tolerate for our kids even if it isn't necessarily our personal cup of tea.

 

I don't think it's up to us to decide how much private time another family needs.

 

I didn't get the impression that anyone here was saying it was a bad idea for the OP's child to have a chance to play with other kids. That said, why does it need to be this one particular kid? There are plenty of ways for the OP to find playmates for her child, without necessarily having that playmate be a neighbor.

 

Additionally, many neighborhoods simply don't have kids who go outside and play very often, and I don't think it's the end of the world if a 4.5yo child spends most of his time with his mom and a younger sibling (or just his mom, for that matter.) There are many families who don't have the opportunity to send their young kids out to play, or even to drive places for playgroups or whatever, and those kids turn out just fine.

[SKL]

I don't think we disagree about the need for boundaries. I do think the OP unwittingly set herself up for this by not setting any boundaries up front, but that happens to all of us at times. I hesitate to assume the neighbor is intentionally taking one-sided advantage. Now if she's flatly told that xyz can't happen any more and she does it anyway, that would be different.

 

I think often we get irritated and assume others will know how we feel about things. Often the other person does not know we're inconvenienced until we outright tell them. It's uncomfortable to have to do so, but it's really on OP to set the matter straight.

[SKL]

I don't think it's up to us to decide how much private time another family needs.

 

I didn't get the impression that anyone here was saying it was a bad idea for the OP's child to have a chance to play with other kids. That said, why does it need to be this one particular kid? There are plenty of ways for the OP to find playmates for her child, without necessarily having that playmate be a neighbor.

 

Additionally, many neighborhoods simply don't have kids who go outside and play very often, and I don't think it's the end of the world if a 4.5yo child spends most of his time with his mom and a younger sibling (or just his mom, for that matter.) There are many families who don't have the opportunity to send their young kids out to play, or even to drive places for playgroups or whatever, and those kids turn out just fine.

 

It's not the end of the world for a child to grow up without other kids to play with, but it's not ideal either.

 

OP implied that the child doesn't have any other peers to play with, and said that she doesn't mind these two kids playing together. She just needs to set boundaries she can live with. Some folks seemed to suggest extreme boundaries IMO, which I believe would be unhealthy for her kid.

[Catwoman]

I don't think we disagree about the need for boundaries. I do think the OP unwittingly set herself up for this by not setting any boundaries up front, but that happens to all of us at times. I hesitate to assume the neighbor is intentionally taking one-sided advantage. Now if she's flatly told that xyz can't happen any more and she does it anyway, that would be different.

 

I think often we get irritated and assume others will know how we feel about things. Often the other person does not know we're inconvenienced until we outright tell them. It's uncomfortable to have to do so, but it's really on OP to set the matter straight.

 

I definitely agree that the OP needs to speak with the neighbor and set boundaries.

 

I do think, though, that the neighbor is intentionally taking advantage of her.

 

And the kid sounds like a rude little monster. I wouldn't want him playing with my child.

[SKL]

I definitely agree that the OP needs to speak with the neighbor and set boundaries.

 

I do think, though, that the neighbor is intentionally taking advantage of her.

 

And the kid sounds like a rude little monster. I wouldn't want him playing with my child.

 

For all we know, the other mom is on another forum complaining about the neighbor boy who came to her house and demanded four popsicles. ;)

 

Kids are going to do what they get away with.

[PrairieSong]

The OP hasn't responded since her first post, has she? We can all give our opinions about what she should do, whether the other mom is taking advantage, etc., but I am wondering what the OP thinks about it all. We can philosophize all day long about the situation after reading one description of it, but she is the one who is living it.

 

OP, do you care to share any more about this? Has anything else happened?