Jean in Newcastle Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 It seems like kind of a lose-lose situation. If you ask for no presents, it's awkward; if you say nothing, you end up swamped with more stuff you don't need. Do you have to tell them it's a birthday party? The invites could say something like, "Join us to celebrate Ben Franklin Day!" or whatever, and then when they get there say, "Oh, did I forget to mention that today is also dd's birthday? That was silly of me. Cake?" :D We've done that. It wasn't a big deal because the friend party was not on the birthday and while we had treats, we didn't have an actual birthday cake (that was for the family party). The child's birthday was never brought up and no one felt strange about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 It seems like kind of a lose-lose situation. If you ask for no presents, it's awkward; if you say nothing, you end up swamped with more stuff you don't need. Do you have to tell them it's a birthday party? The invites could say something like, "Join us to celebrate Ben Franklin Day!" or whatever, and then when they get there say, "Oh, did I forget to mention that today is also dd's birthday? That was silly of me. Cake?" :D We've done that. It wasn't a big deal because the friend party was not on the birthday and while we had treats, we didn't have an actual birthday cake (that was for the family party). The child's birthday was never brought up and no one felt strange about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeFe Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I always bring a gift. I just don't feel right about not bringing one. I try to make sure it's a useful but inexpensive gift like a game or art supplies, ect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I like the book exchange thing. another thing that I have done is just invite a passel of people over and when they are there serve cupcakes and sing happy birthday to the birthday kid. I get "Oh, why didn't you tell us?" I respond " Oh, she just wanted to hang out with friends, real low key thing. Didn't want anyone to feel like they had to bring presents. She's just tickled pink to spend the afternoon with the other kids. No big deal." This happened to my son once - it was totally awkward and I felt like we'd done something very wrong by not bringing even a card. I also felt a little tricked. It seems dishonest to invite someone over for a play-date and then find out they were purposely keeping the birthday party aspect from you. A couple of times my kids have been invited to a party where found after we got there that it was a birthday party. I felt very awkward. ... I see I'm not the only one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SorrelZG Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Whatever you chose to do, don't let it be out of concern for others judging your parenting decisions. I don't consider there to be a hard and fast rule - at times it's fitting to be considerate of the sensitivities of others in a certain setting by following the group's cultural etiquette and other times there are more important things to consider. Thanks to the parenting decisions we've made, regardless of how "mean" they would be judged to be by some others, our children get wildly excited about gathering with people and enjoy giving and don't expect stuff to be given them by others (granted, they expect dessert shamelessly). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greenmama2 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Well, I went to a "no gifts" party once and obeyed - and I was the ONLY ONE who didn't bring a gift for the child AND THEN the people did a gift opening anyways and it was sooo uncomfortable for me and my DD. I had spent a fair bit of time getting her to understand that we were respecting the child's family by not bringing a gift because they had asked us not to, even though we would like to give the little guy a present. We did make a card for him, but it was still embarassing how it unfolded. And DD told me when we got to the car afterwards, " Mom, you were wrong. We should have brought a present." I had to concede. Before that experience, I would have been fine with a "no gift" party. Now, I think they are terrible, and I will always bring a gift anyways (at least have it in the car). Those who say they don't get the problem with no gift parties have obviously never had an experience like this. I have and it seems so have many others on this thread. The biggest factor for me though is that it makes my children sad. They *like* to give & if they hear one of their friends is having a birthday the first thing they do is start talking about what they would like to give to their friend. As a parent obviously I want to encourage this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staceyshoe Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I must admit that I'm really confused by this whole thread. I am my children's parent. I require that they wear their seat belts. I make them eat some vegetables every day. I make them go to bed at their designated bedtime--which is decided by me, not them. We teach them to say "please" and "thank you" even when it's not what they want to do. We have decided to homeschool one child and not the other (who will be starting PS K in the fall). All of this is because I feel it is in each of my children's best interests. We attend birthday parties for other children where gifts are given. I am not offended by that. In fact, I think that's great. At this time, I don't personally think that a b-day party with presents would be a good thing for my own chlidren, given their unique personalities. I don't understand why a parent is criticized for making a decision like that for their child. Isn't it a parent's prerogative to make the decisions that he/she feels is in the best interest of the child? I would expect homeschoolers to be more supportive of doing something a little different because it's what the child needs. Maybe I'm missing something, but the strong opinions expressed here about parents making a decision for their own child are truly baffling me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 This is personal opinion only but I hate "no gift" parties. They are awkward for almost everyone involved, and there are always those who bring gifts anyway. I would feel mean, too. Kids that young love to feel celebrated and from friends' parties know gifts are part of it. My kids LOVE to watch other kids open gifts from them, and they love picking them out beforehand. I know it isn't about MY kids when it is someone else's party. I do get that. But I feel how I feel, even if I wouldn't say a word to the person inviting us. Looking back at my childhood, I loved getting gifts. Most do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 If I get an invitation to a no gift party, I bring one. I keep it hidden in my giant purse until I get a feel for what the rest of the guests have done. If they all brought gifts, I give it. If they didn't, I don't give it. We always give a book in a pillowcase for a present, so I can just give it to the next kid. I swear we go to birthday parties evey other weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SorrelZG Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 If you don't know people very well, maybe it's better to stick with what most people will probably expect. If this is a group of people you know well, then you know how they will feel about it and then this isn't much of an issue. That's a reasonable guideline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I don't think they would feel awkward about it, but be ready for some people to bring gifts anyway - it's happened at every no gift party I've been to, without exception, and it's bound to make things MORE awkward for those who listened to your no gift policy. KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 dp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexi Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 We often do no gift parties. Instead we've asked everyone to bring a book based on the theme of the party and we did a book exchange. One time we had everyone bring donations for a women's shelter. One time we had everyone bring donations for troops and we shipped a care package overseas. You could have everyone bring a toy to donate to a charity. I think people feel awkward not bringing something to a party so we focus on something we can donate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 We attend birthday parties for other children where gifts are given. I am not offended by that. In fact, I think that's great. At this time, I don't personally think that a b-day party with presents would be a good thing for my own chlidren, given their unique personalities. I don't understand why a parent is criticized for making a decision like that for their child. Isn't it a parent's prerogative to make the decisions that he/she feels is in the best interest of the child? I would expect homeschoolers to be more supportive of doing something a little different because it's what the child needs. Maybe I'm missing something, but the strong opinions expressed here about parents making a decision for their own child are truly baffling me. It is because in our culture, people bring gifts for the guest at a birthday party, and we don't get to make up new social rules based on what we think our children need. If the OP doesn't want people to bring gifts, then she should do as someone suggested: have a get-together without saying anything about its being a birthday party. Or as someone else suggested, the birthday girl can donate all the gifts to a charitable organization. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I find it odd that people are somehow "required" to have to deal with more "stuff" in order to follow some etiquette rule. In this day of overtaxed resources, hoarders, and rapidly expanding landfills, it is time to toss out some of the rules in order for us to function as a responsible society. Kids "expect" gifts at every party? Time to change that IMO. We have had no-gift parties for all of dd's nine birthdays. She has a generous and large extended family, a small bedroom, and a desire to be environmentally responsible. She has never had a problem with the policy and no one has ignored the no gift request. I think it is rude to foist unwanted gifts of someone just because it makes you feel better......especially when you have specifically been requested to refrain. Sorry, but that is my take. Far more rude than breaking some ancient "etiquette rule." Perhaps I am sick of constantly decluttering and simplifying and it is making me more sensitive about this issue. The party itself is treat enough for dd. And the people we invite to her parties know our family and know we mean no gifts when we request no gifts. I am usually a stickler for etiquette rules. I am one of the last of a dying breed to thank note writers and RSVP givers. But this is a rule that's time has come to go away. I grappled with the issue the first couple of birthdays. I worried about etiquette. I worried about offending. Then I got over it. My kid, my house, the space I have to look at every day.......I am willing to ruffle a few feathers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 No matter what you do, someone is going to be mad at you! I would just do what I wanted to do, and go into it knowing you will tick someone off. I think it's high time for "no gift parties" to become the new social norm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 It is because in our culture, people bring gifts for the guest at a birthday party, and we don't get to make up new social rules based on what we think our children need. If the OP doesn't want people to bring gifts, then she should do as someone suggested: have a get-together without saying anything about its being a birthday party. Or as someone else suggested, the birthday girl can donate all the gifts to a charitable organization. Sure we can make up new social rules for our children and families. It is not the law to follow social rules. We can ask people to follow different rules and those people are free to elect to not attend a party based on their opinion of that request. The OP does not have to trick people by not stating the purpose of the gathering if she does not want to. And invitees do not have to come. Some people will think it is rude to ask. As long at the asker is OK with that possibility, they should do what is best for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitestavern Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 My DD is turning 5 soon. We're having our usual family party where she'll get tons of gifts. My DD said she wanted to have a party with her friends as well. I can't combine friends and family into one party for various reasons so I figured I'd have a separate little friend birthday party for her. I don't want her friends to bring gifts, though. First of all, my DD has too much stuff as it is, especially with Christmas having been so recently. Second, I don't want people to not come because they can't afford a gift. I just want her friends to come over, have some cupcakes and ice cream, sing Happy Birthday, and play and have fun. Would that be wrong of me? Do you think people would feel too awkward not bringing a gift? Do you think people would not come because they'd feel awkward not bringing a gift? I think my DD would be ok with not getting gifts, but is it wrong to deny a 5 year old that part of her party? Thoughts? Suggestions? We had a big backyard birthday pool bash for ds's 10th this year. Because we had about 50 people, we clearly specified "no gifts please" on the invite. Well, every single family brought a gift except for two, who felt just horrible about not bringing anything. So you can certainly state that you'd like no gifts, but chances are that you will get them anyway. When my dd turned 4 she had a friend party where everyone was asked to bring one book, wrapped. Then we played a game where everyone got to pick a book other than the one they brought and it was theirs to keep. That went over well, and since books can be purchased inexpensively, it wasn't a hardship on any of the invited girls. We've also been to birthday parties where we've been asked to bring a donation for a local soup kitchen and also for a women's/children's shelter. Both of those invitations gave out suggestions for items to bring which fit pretty much every budget. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 In general, I think the culture of overindulging kids is one that deserves to be questioned I don't think anyone else thinks a party is over indulging. Tho I suppose if we are going to go down that road, the OPs child already had one party, so it may seem indulgent to have another. I'm surprised everyone is making this about parents. My kids are always excited to choose the gifts. And I doubt any of them would listen to the parent about not getting something. Even if I refused to take them shopping, they would make something. Or more likely give something they own. They aren't giving the gift bc it's a party. They are giving the gift bc it's a birthday of someone they like. Regardless of party or not, the receiver never has a say in demanding gifts. And it is always rude to refuse or criticize the gift given. It would never occur to me to tell people what to give bc I'm not going to assume they are giving anything. And I sure am not going to complain about what they give either. That is the essence of most poster's discomfort with someone telling people they can't give a gift or telling them what kind of gift to bring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I don't believe in being a slave to etiquette. I understood that the whole point of etiquette is to make people feel comfortable. If there is a way to have a no-gift party that leaves most people feeling comfortable, then go for it. I seem to recall a poster here once complaining about being invited to so many birthday parties for a family with many kids, because it was a burden to buy so many gifts. One would think that not having to bring a gift would be a relief to many. I also think that many folks would appreciate being invited to something that doesn't basically amount to a grab-fest. I guess I'm saying I don't think the old etiquette rule is fully in force any more. I like the idea of bringing a card and keeping a small gift on hand in case you find that everyone else brought a gift. And if you really want to give a particular child in your life a birthday gift, do so - but do it outside of the no-gift party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 We've had threads in the past where people post about how they feel about gifts. From what I remember those threads go something like this: Some people hate to buy them--they don't know what to get or they feel a gift should be given spontaneously and not forced at some predetermined event. Some people hate receiving gifts. They feel awkward about it, or worry about having to reciprocate, or hate having to deal with being dishonest if they dislike or don't need the gift. Other people adore buying gifts. They enjoy the challenge of finding something to bring a smile to a face. Some people adore receiving gifts. The idea that someone bought or made them them a little something warms their heart. How a person feels about giving/receiving gifts will strongly affect their answers to this thread. That's why the answers are so opposite. For the record, I adore buying gifts and adore receiving them. It makes me very happy. It is very hard for me to understand a kid's party without the whole gift giving part, but I am honestly trying to put aside my feelings and consider how I would answer if I was neutral about gifts. IF your child isn't into gifts, and if you are sure that a 4-going on 5 year old isn't, then it sounds like the book exchange is the way to go. Gift givers get to buy a gift. The non gift givers in this thread seem to be ok with something as neutral as a book. Clutter is to a minimum. Win-win. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Or have a Hobbit birthday party. For Hobbits, the birthday person buys a gift for each of her guests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I asked my kids about being told to bring donations or doing more of a gift/book exchange. They all said that sounds great. And asked what gift the kid would like. Apparently my kids would still bring a gift! lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarlaB Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I just hosted a no-gifts-please party for DD9....everyone understood, complied and we had a great time :) Ok- fine- one person brought a gift card but I chalked that up to language barrier issues (English isn't their first language). I had no idea that people felt so strongly that giving a gift to someone is a right I might be infringing on- LOL. My DD felt like a princess for a day- she was being honored, loved & treasured and it had nothing to do w/ gifts. Of course, this is her personality- she loves stuff just like any kiddo, but she loves people & parties more! And having the party (at a bounce house) was part of our gift to her- and as part of that included a 'no gifts' clause....I have issues w/ kiddos sitting and opening a stack of 20 presents. Sorry, but I just do. Certainly it makes them feel 'special', but not for reasons that I want to reinforce....'stuff' isn't what defines us OR our happiness, or at least thats something our family has been working on... IMHO, If you are invited to a party where this request is made, honor it. You have no idea what the parent might be trying to teach or instill in their child...or simply that they aren't a 'stuff' kind of family. You can absolutely honor the child- write a poem, a sweet note, an acrostic of their name, make a card, or give them an IOU card for a playdate.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I have never been offended at being invited to a "no gifts" party, either, and frankly don't even understand what kind of thinking could make someone be offended by it. I'm not sure I understand why anyone would be offended if someone invited them to a party and politely said no gifts? There are a number of reasons people get offended. One- it goes against convention and what is socially acceptable. Two- people don't like being old what to do with their money. Three- a great many people went against what is socially acceptable once. They were left standing there looking like Scrooge because everyone knows it is more acceptable to bring a gift if one is invited to a party. Four -for a number of people the Three Time rule goes into effect. They think the inviter is simply being polite by requesting no gifts. You know, the one were a person is given the opportunity to haggle over it but on the third insistence says, "oh, if you must. I'd be delighted to receive a gift." So the no gift request is a social minefield. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 There are a number of reasons people get offended. One- it goes against convention and what is socially acceptable. .... Am I the only person who thinks it's sad that it's more socially acceptable to do nothing for our kid's birthday than to do what we think is overall best for all involved? Personally I will never have a birthday party for my kids as long as I feel that no aspect of it may "go against convention" etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammyw Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Am I the only person who thinks it's sad that it's more socially acceptable to do nothing for our kid's birthday than to do what we think is overall best for all involved? Personally I will never have a birthday party for my kids as long as I feel that no aspect of it may "go against convention" etc. We've started doing intimate things (as a family or possibly with an additional friend or two), and I kind of like it better that way, now that we've started. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Am I the only person who thinks it's sad that it's more socially acceptable to do nothing for our kid's birthday than to do what we think is overall best for all involved? Personally I will never have a birthday party for my kids as long as I feel that no aspect of it may "go against convention" etc. I'm not looking for debate. Two people stated they didn't understand why people insist on bringing gifts. I just listed the few I've personally been privy to. As always, do what you think is best for you and yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammyw Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I, for one, am now totally understanding why people get annoyed by the "no gifts" invite. It clearly will not work out in most cases. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Lynn Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Interesting to read different points of view. Does anyone change their opinion based on the age of the child? What if ds or dd is turning 12? or 16? Do you think no-gift parties are more understandable or acceptable for an older child? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom in High Heels Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 We've done them before and put at the bottom, something like "instead of gifts, please feel free to bring a donation for [various places]" One year we did books, one year it was food for the local food bank (Indy's suggestion) and one year we did donations of pet food for our local shelter (again Indy's idea) because our oldest dog had passed the month before and he thought it was a good way to honor her. Indy always gets loads of gifts and IMO, it helps him learn to help others instead of wanting more, more, more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I, for one, am now totally understanding why people get annoyed by the "no gifts" invite. It clearly will not work out in most cases. Maybe I live in some strange corner of the world, but I have both hosted and attended dozens of no gift parties and I have not once seen someone bring a gift. It has not happened at any that I have hosted. And if it happened at a party I attended, it was handled in a way in which I was unaware of it. No gift children's parties are very common in my area. At least half, if not more, of the parties dd has been invited to are no gift. And I have noticed that at least one, and often more, kid shows up empty handed, or with a single hand-made card, to standard parties. We do live in a low-income area with very old and small housing, limited shopping options, and with a very environment-conscious population. Almost every party is a small cake-ice cream-games affair. No bounce houses, make-overs, bowling, etc...... As an aside, I do have one close friend who did have a problem with our no gift parties. Luckily, she is frank and told me this before dd's first party. She stated that she was going to bring a gift anyway as a protest to my "rudeness." When I pointed out how this would make the others feel, she agreed to refrain from bringing it to the party proper and would just give it to dd at another time. This happened until dd was about 5. Ironically, since that first birthday party, she had three kids. Her house is tiny and the STUFF was driving her nuts. Guess who has no gift parties for all of her kids now? And she quit giving things to dd for her birthday. I don't think people who insist on gifting for every occasion have experience dealing with small spaces and too much stuff. For those who say we can just donate the gifts the next day, I ask why even bother with the cycle to begin with? It seems very callous to turn around and donate gifts, even if you really do not have the capacity to keep them. Is it not kinder to ask people to refrain from giving rather than to scheme to get rid of gifts right away? Not to mention the trauma to the poor kid who is conflicted between parting with a gift someone they love gave to them and being able to actually move around their own bedroom? This coming from someone who was forced to dropped off brand new Christmas gifts before leaving town to travel back home this year. Dd had been gifted more than would actually fit inside our car. I have asked, begged, and pleaded with relatives to scale it back. They all know the size of our house, car, and dd's room. Dd is the only grandkid on both sides and everyone seems to be in a some sort of gifting contest with each other. It was clearly ridiculous to expect us to keep even a fraction of the gifts. I felt bad all around. I was not going to pay shipping to send things home that we were not going to keep anyway. And it simply would not go in the car. We feel very blessed that we have family that thinks about and cares for dd, but there is such a thing as too much. It is a BIG problem in our family and I simply cannot allow birthday parties to contribute to an already-big problem, rude or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Interesting to read different points of view. Does anyone change their opinion based on the age of the child? What if ds or dd is turning 12? or 16? Do you think no-gift parties are more understandable or acceptable for an older child? I almost think it goes the other way. Once a child is old enough to be responsible for the care and storage of their own belongings, it can be more up to the child. They are the ones who have to deal with it, they can decide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 My dd went to a party for a girl who wanted to help an animal shelter. The girl's mother had a list of things that were needed -- collars, leashes, even paper towels. We enjoyed picking out a few things at a local pet store. There were lots of wrapped presents (for the animals), but no "presents." The animal gifts forestalled the impulse to bring "just a little something" for the b'day child. Win-win, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 This coming from someone who was forced to dropped off brand new Christmas gifts before leaving town to travel back home this year. Dd had been gifted more than would actually fit inside our car. I have asked, begged, and pleaded with relatives to scale it back. They all know the size of our house, car, and dd's room. Dd is the only grandkid on both sides and everyone seems to be in a some sort of gifting contest with each other. It was clearly ridiculous to expect us to keep even a fraction of the gifts. I felt bad all around. I was not going to pay shipping to send things home that we were not going to keep anyway. And it simply would not go in the car. We feel very blessed that we have family that thinks about and cares for dd, but there is such a thing as too much. It is a BIG problem in our family and I simply cannot allow birthday parties to contribute to an already-big problem, rude or not. We meet at my parents' for family Christmas giving. If people give too much, I leave some at my parent's house so the kids have something to do when they go there. (Their house is plenty big enough.) If that offends anyone, they may feel free to give less next year. To be honest, I was the worst offender before I had kids. My relatives who threw birthday parties were low-income so I used to buy multiple gifts each year for each kid, thinking that they would appreciate it. (Nobody ever complained, as far as I know. They would actually note on their party invites a few gift preferences, e.g., what size the kid wears and what kind of kiddy toy theme s/he is into.) However, once I had kids, I saw how fast the "stuff" piles up. One then-childless aunt would never come over without bringing my kids each a gift - occasion or no. (My kids have a ridiculous number of childless aunties.) It's crazy. I hate to get rid of gifts, so I put a lot of effort into trying to organize them so they don't squeeze us out of our home. (And our home isn't tiny.) Plus, I hardly get to buy my own kids anything. So now, I honestly don't understand why more people don't go the no-gift route. Who ever got the idea that a party is about gift-giving, anyway? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 My dd went to a party for a girl who wanted to help an animal shelter. The girl's mother had a list of things that were needed -- collars, leashes, even paper towels. We enjoyed picking out a few things at a local pet store. There were lots of wrapped presents (for the animals), but no "presents." The animal gifts forestalled the impulse to bring "just a little something" for the b'day child. Win-win, imo. Another nice thing about this idea is that if someone does decide to bring the child a gift for herself to keep, it isn't as obvious/awkward for the others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshin Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I've been to two very successful no-gift parties. The first was a book exchange. The second was a craft party. The invite read not to bring any gifts because the children were making them at the party. My son and the other attendees had a blast painting a giant piece of fabric. When they were done, the fabric went over a PVC frame to make a play tent for the birthday boy's room. This was a very crafty mama and the tent looked great. The party recipients also tie-dyed and decorated their own t-shirts as party favors. It's also common in our circle for parents to list gift ideas on the invite (yes, I know this is against social conventions and common etiquette, but we all know each other fairly well and it's become our norm). Craft items, books, games and puzzles and the standard request, likely because parents find these less overwhelming and more useful than the plastic toy-of-the-month often given at parties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NancyNellen Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Maybe I live in some strange corner of the world, but I have both hosted and attended dozens of no gift parties and I have not once seen someone bring a gift. It has not happened at any that I have hosted. And if it happened at a party I attended, it was handled in a way in which I was unaware of it. No gift children's parties are very common in my area. At least half, if not more, of the parties dd has been invited to are no gift. Apparently we live in the same strange corner of the world! We've just always honored the wishes of the party-givers, assuming they had good reasons for making the choices they make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NancyNellen Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 There are a number of reasons people get offended. One- it goes against convention and what is socially acceptable. Two- people don't like being old what to do with their money. Three- a great many people went against what is socially acceptable once. They were left standing there looking like Scrooge because everyone knows it is more acceptable to bring a gift if one is invited to a party. Four -for a number of people the Three Time rule goes into effect. They think the inviter is simply being polite by requesting no gifts. You know, the one were a person is given the opportunity to haggle over it but on the third insistence says, "oh, if you must. I'd be delighted to receive a gift." So the no gift request is a social minefield. One- I have always been under the impression that the socially acceptable response to an invitation is to follow the wishes of the host. If the invitation asks for "black tie" it would be socially unacceptable to show up in jeans because I would be more comfortable. If the invitation says "it's a surprise!" it would be socially unacceptable to tell the celebrant because I am so excited and can't keep a secret. In both of those examples I have placed myself and my wants/desires above that of the hosts. That is bad etiquette! Two- If someone is so upset by being told what to do with their money (like, save it), then they are more than welcome to bring a gift at a different time, when it will not make others feel awful. To go against the host's wishes puts others in a very awkward and uncomfortable position, as we have seen in this thread. I, personally, am never put out by people asking me politely to save my money for something more important. Three- See number Two. If people actually honored the polite wishes of the host, NO ONE would feel Scrooge-like. No child would feel sad. Four- This I just plain don't undstand. Maybe that is because I'm firmly in the "mean what you say" camp. I was taught to have "my yes be yes, and my no, no." Anything else is just dishonest. I guess I am just glad that we switched a few years back from compulsory birthday parties to a special day together as a family at Disneyland. It's far less stressful. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Interesting to read different points of view. Does anyone change their opinion based on the age of the child? What if ds or dd is turning 12? or 16? Do you think no-gift parties are more understandable or acceptable for an older child? There is no *polite* way to tell people not to bring gifts. The only way to avoid telling people that you expect them to bring gifts but please don't is not to mention that the event is honoring a special occasion in someone's life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairy4tmama Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I didn't read all the replies but wanted to say that they are the norm here...we have been to more no gift parties than gift parties and we have had no gift parties more often than not. We have had and been to book exchanges and lego exchanges. I personaly like no gift parties better than gift parties both in terms of hosting and invitation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I think if a child reacted to no gifts at the party and didn't enjoy it, I'd probably think the parent didn't prep their child well for the event. My kids don't naturally associate birthday party = a pile of gifts, so to them, it is absolutely no big deal. I think it's a HUGE mistake to assume that a kid that has a no gift party is somehow being deprived of something. My kids practice giving and receiving all the time. They attend parties with and without gifts without issue, and in my area, it's like a 50/50 split. I've talked to them about the fact that they have a large extended family that enjoy gift giving, and not everyone has that situation. My kids probably get a minimum 10 birthday presents before we have a friend party due to large extended family (I've hinted to several that we could drop the gift exchange - no dice). They truly are spoiled rotten. In general, I think the culture of overindulging kids is one that deserves to be questioned. A birthday is special and does deserve celebration. The practice of gift giving to the extent it happens now is a relatively new one. And I do think it's respectful to honor how a particular parent decides to parent their own child, even if it doesn't align with how you parent. I do think just throwing a party and not mentioning the birthday works too and I wouldn't have a problem with that. A book, animal shelter, or food drive is a good idea too. I agree. I find it odd that people are somehow "required" to have to deal with more "stuff" in order to follow some etiquette rule. In this day of overtaxed resources, hoarders, and rapidly expanding landfills, it is time to toss out some of the rules in order for us to function as a responsible society. Kids "expect" gifts at every party? Time to change that IMO. We have had no-gift parties for all of dd's nine birthdays. She has a generous and large extended family, a small bedroom, and a desire to be environmentally responsible. She has never had a problem with the policy and no one has ignored the no gift request. I think it is rude to foist unwanted gifts of someone just because it makes you feel better......especially when you have specifically been requested to refrain. Sorry, but that is my take. Far more rude than breaking some ancient "etiquette rule." Perhaps I am sick of constantly decluttering and simplifying and it is making me more sensitive about this issue. The party itself is treat enough for dd. And the people we invite to her parties know our family and know we mean no gifts when we request no gifts. I am usually a stickler for etiquette rules. I am one of the last of a dying breed to thank note writers and RSVP givers. But this is a rule that's time has come to go away. I grappled with the issue the first couple of birthdays. I worried about etiquette. I worried about offending. Then I got over it. My kid, my house, the space I have to look at every day.......I am willing to ruffle a few feathers. I totally agree here. My house is 900 sq ft. There will soon be 6 of us living here. ALL of my children share a room. We simply CANNOT house a bunch of stuff. I would honestly be quite annoyed if I requested no gifts and people brought them anyway. THAT is rude, IMVHO. Who cares about the etiquette of it? My children aren't raised to believe that birthday=gimme gimme gimme. They know it's their special day and that we do celebrate them, but we can do that without gifts. Honestly, if my child threw a fit over not receiving gifts (barring that they'd been told/prepped ahead of time) they would be swiftly disciplined for that behavior. That's entitlement and it's ugly even on a 5 year old. We teach them that we don't have to have everything someone else has, so it shouldn't matter if they go to other parties and see kids getting gifts. We teach them to be content with what they HAVE. I told all family members this year to NOT buy my children toys for Christmas. We have enough. We cannot store anymore. Art supplies, crafts, books, puzzles were all acceptable, but NO toys. I don't think that was rude at all. I'm not telling anyone what to do with their money. If they don't want to choose one of the options that I provided, then they don't have to purchase anything at all. This is makes me thankful we stopped doing birthday parties. We do family outings for the day now of the birthday child's choice. So far, they've had far more fun doing that than having a party. To the OP: I like the book swap idea. Since your DD is already having an a birthday party with family, instead of doing a second party, why don't you just have a playdate and they can all make cupcakes together. You don't even have to make it a birthday event or mention it at all. Just invite her friends over for a good time. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 One- I have always been under the impression that the socially acceptable response to an invitation is to follow the wishes of the host. If the invitation asks for "black tie" it would be socially unacceptable to show up in jeans because I would be more comfortable. If the invitation says "it's a surprise!" it would be socially unacceptable to tell the celebrant because I am so excited and can't keep a secret. In both of those examples I have placed myself and my wants/desires above that of the hosts. That is bad etiquette! Two- If someone is so upset by being told what to do with their money (like, save it), then they are more than welcome to bring a gift at a different time, when it will not make others feel awful. To go against the host's wishes puts others in a very awkward and uncomfortable position, as we have seen in this thread. I, personally, am never put out by people asking me politely to save my money for something more important. Three- See number Two. If people actually honored the polite wishes of the host, NO ONE would feel Scrooge-like. No child would feel sad. Four- This I just plain don't undstand. Maybe that is because I'm firmly in the "mean what you say" camp. I was taught to have "my yes be yes, and my no, no." Anything else is just dishonest. I guess I am just glad that we switched a few years back from compulsory birthday parties to a special day together as a family at Disneyland. It's far less stressful. :-) As I said upthread, I'm not debating this issue. I simply answered a couple of queries a to why some people are offended by the request. You do what your conscious tell you to do. I really don't care to pursue this to an argument. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I think "no gift" parties are fine, and have never been offended by that request. As others have mentioned, there will sometimes be guests who ignore that request and bring a gift anyway. The best response to that is to quickly (but graciously) put the presents aside where others can't see them. I always honor the "no gifts" requests, but have frequently felt awkward when others do bring gifts. We attended a birthday party a few months ago for a friend of DD's (he was turning 5). They requested donations for a local animal shelter in lieu of gifts - the birthday boy had picked out the shelter himself. Attached to the party invitation was a list of items the shelter needed. We picked up a pack of paper towels and bleach. At the party, there was a large pile of donations - and zero birthday gifts. Because guests were provided with a specific list of items needed, it pre-empted the dilemma of people bringing birthday gifts despite the "no gifts" request. Everyone knew what to bring. Shopping for that list was easy. It was perfect IMO. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 It is because in our culture, people bring gifts for the guest at a birthday party, and we don't get to make up new social rules based on what we think our children need. If the OP doesn't want people to bring gifts, then she should do as someone suggested: have a get-together without saying anything about its being a birthday party. Or as someone else suggested, the birthday girl can donate all the gifts to a charitable organization. Personally, I think it's YOUR culture. It's not in my kids current mode of thinking. They've never been disappointed at a no gift party. They've been excited to get together with a larger group of friends they would normally get to. And they still get a reasonably large pile of gifts to open from their obnoxious relatives. When I was a kid and had parties, people brought tiny presents and often perishables. That is not what happens now when you open yourself up to receiving gifts. To ignore a parent's request is like attending a Bar Mitzvah as a Catholic and walking into it and trying to change it into a Confirmation. Just because it doesn't ring true for your family, doesn't mean it's not a perfectly good choice for another family. It's completely disrespectful. You can decline and RSVP because you're offended, or you can grumble under your breath the entire time if you want. But to ignore a parent's request is just rude. We've had several no gift parties without any issue at all. Again - it runs about 50/50 in our area. I still think the donation idea is a good way to go if you are in an area that tends to have many parties with gifts and you have a number of people who may be uncomfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 How a person feels about giving/receiving gifts will strongly affect their answers to this thread. That's why the answers are so opposite. And we cannot understand that not everyone feels the same. Just as my mil is always cold so thinks my children always need coats, even when their not cold at all. I HATE gift shopping. I find it painful. It is not my love language and a huge stress. I never can figure what people want. I hate the pressure of opening gifts. I hate birthday parties for kids and worrying about if I spent enough or it is the right thing, or if everyone is looking at what I brought and judging us. And goodness this is America if I want to throw a party with or without gifts that is my perogative, thank goodness there are no etiquette police. However, fwiw we just do small parties so I don't have to worry about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NancyNellen Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 As I said upthread, I'm not debating this issue. I simply answered a couple of queries a to why some people are offended by the request. You do what your conscious tell you to do. I really don't care to pursue this to an argument. Neither do I, Chucki. I actually meant to thank you for breaking it down so simply for me, as I was struggling with understanding the reasoning behind the "it's rude" point of view. I am sitting here with the flu and clearly have too much time on my hands...not to mention feeling just a tad grumpy. Have a great Saturday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 To ignore a parent's request is like attending a Bar Mitzvah as a Catholic and walking into it and trying to change it into a Confirmation. Just because it doesn't ring true for your family, doesn't mean it's not a perfectly good choice for another family. It's completely disrespectful. You can decline and RSVP because you're offended, or you can grumble under your breath the entire time if you want. But to ignore a parent's request is just rude. This is a really good point. When someone throws a party and invites you, you should conform to their wishes or not attend the party. The End. Imagine if I brought a ham to a Bar Mitzvah. When the invitiation clearly said, "Please do not bring any ham." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 My ds (almost 10) is having a birthday party in a couple weeks. We were discussing party options, and also gift options. (Here, at least among people we know, it is not unusual to have no gift or donation gift parties.) When I told ds about this thread, he said, "Really? So some people might think I was rude if I just wanted them to play and have pizza at my party, and I didn't want a birthday present? Weird." Which pretty much sums up my feelings too. (Well, except I don't think people who feel that way are weird, lol. I do, however, have a hard time understanding that perspective even though I do see the social logic. Probably it just has to do with the social circles/micro-cultures we move in.) To the OP, A birthday party is meant to celebrate the birthday child. I agree with the poster who said you should do what you want to do. If your child is okay with no gifts or with donation gifts, then let your guests know. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying to friends, "We enjoy your company and want you here to celebrate our special day." If someone (or more than one someone) brings a gift anyway, you just say, "Thank you," and set it aside for later. And if it seems too challenging, host the party and deal with the gifts later. We've had parties where a guest has brought a small toy we'd never in a million years known would delight our child. My children enjoy giving gifts, so when they attend a no-gift party, they will often make a lovely card, with a "time" gift, usually a coupon for a sleepover or a video game playdate. My children get the pleasure of giving something, the no-gift request is honored, it's a part of the birthday card so other guests don't feel awkward about not giving something, and all the children get special time together. Win-win-win-win. :) Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I'm not judging in the sense you are saying here. She wanted to know how people feel about this. I told her how I feel. I assumed she wanted honest answers. Otherwise I don't think this thread would be very useful to her at all. I do understand her point about too much stuff. It's not that I don't. I just believe it is a rare 5 year old who initiates charitable giving in place of birthday presents. I grew up with the custom of giving gifts for birthday parties. I grew up with lots of other customs (stuff like serving cookies and cupcakes at parties). Now suddenly everyone is offended by these traditions. I have gone to no gift parties and it wound up that many people still brought gifts. Then those who didn't felt weird. I take it most of the people she is inviting are pretty much strangers. If you don't know people very well, maybe it's better to stick with what most people will probably expect. If this is a group of people you know well, then you know how they will feel about it and then this isn't much of an issue. If the five year old loves the idea of charitable giving then have her donate her gifts to charity. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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