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Come rejoice with me!!! (CC)

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My dad is OFF THE VENTILATOR! :party:

 

Praise JESUS! He's healing my father! God is SO good!

 

Dad hasn't needed the ventilaor for two days now. He's still got his trach, because the doctors need to be cautious in removing it. He is still getting oxygen to his trach, to help keep his blood oxygen saturation levels up while his lungs continue to get stronger. The doctors don't want to remove the trach until well after dad's off the oxygen all together, has been breathing 'regular air' for a while, and his lungs are still getting stronger/doing well. Because if they remove the trach to early, dad could have a relapse and end up back on the ventilator, and NO ONE wants that.

 

I just can't believe it. Two weeks ago, we were preparing to say goodbye to dad as he laid in a drug induced coma, fully dependant on the ventilator for his every breath. And now; now dad's off the vent completely, and he even can WALK from his bed to a chair! I have to hold back tears every time I talk to him about how happy I am with how well he's doing.

 

Now, for a bit of frustrating/irritating news, that is driving me batty...

 

My mother. Oh help me, she's on my very, very last nerve. Same with my two sisters. For REAL.

 

My older sister and I both talked with dad starting about five days ago about removing the DO NOT RECUSSITATE order mom placed on him while he was in the coma. Now, we supported that decision *THEN* as the best thing for dad. However, now that he's doing so much better (ya know, relatively speaking :tongue_smilie:, he still has months and months of hospitaliziation/physical therapy/rehab ahead), we thought it should be HIS decision on if he still wanted that or not.

 

Well yesterday, he decided to have the DNR removed, and apparently my mother TRIED TO TALK HIM OUT OF IT. :glare: Who DOES that?! WHO? What in the WORLD?!

 

And now she's pushing and nagging and totally annoying dad, because she's claiming he's being LAZY with his physical therapy. :001_huh: No. Just no. The doctors all tell ME and DAD how fantastic he's doing, how no one can believe that he's doing as well as he is. Well, turns out mom is being this way because dad's going to have to move to a hospital a whole two miles away soon, because they have a better rehab program for where he's at right now. He can't stay at HER hospital until he's able to do THREE HOURS A DAY of physical therapy. And he's just not there yet. But get this; the REASON mom's annoyed at dad being moved to the other hospital? It will be less convenient for her. Yep, that's why. Because, you know, it's SO HARD AND EXHAUSTING for her to go visit him at another hospital TWO MILES AWAY after she gets out of work, so there's just no way she'll be able to do it every day.

 

:001_huh:

 

My sisters and I all live an HOUR away. We have families we're raising and/or full time jobs. We all are still willing, able, and HAPPY to go be with dad as much as we can. None of US are complaining about it. But my mother, who is all of 54 years old, in perfectly fine health, and lives RIGHT there in the SAME city as both hospitals, can't bring herself to be inconvenienced by having to visit dad in another hospital.

 

She won't quit accusing my sisters and I of 'coddling' dad. I swear, that woman. No joke, my older sister told me that mom's about to drive her away from coming around, she just can't take her anymore. I just encouraged her to keep coming for dad.

 

Honestly, I can't WAIT for dad to get moved to the other hospital, so that we girls can go see him without mom there. And dad is so totally fed up with mom that the other day, he told the doctor to kick mom out of the room because she was nagging him so much. He begs me and my sister to stay with him as long as we can, and he kicks mom out of the room. Something's wrong with that picture.

 

And if you read all this vent, bless you. :001_smile: I wanted to share the good news about my dad, but I needed to vent about mom, too. :tongue_smilie:

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Rebecca VA

Rebecca VA

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Oh, Bethany! Praise God for His healing goodness!!!!

 

Your sweet dad needs to be careful about his physical therapy. My dad died because he pursued physical therapy too vigorously too soon after a major stroke. I wish he had slowed down and let his body heal more carefully.

 

I'm so, so happy for you! Your mom needs to have a talk with a pastor or counselor. She is not being a loving helpmeet to your dad.

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Oh, Bethany! Praise God for His healing goodness!!!!

 

Your sweet dad needs to be careful about his physical therapy. My dad died because he pursued physical therapy too vigorously too soon after a major stroke. I wish he had slowed down and let his body heal more carefully.

 

I'm so, so happy for you! Your mom needs to have a talk with a pastor or counselor. She is not being a loving helpmeet to your dad.

 

Pfft. Tell me about it. :glare:

 

But to be blunt, I doubt it would do any good for her to talk to a pastor or counselor at this point. They've been married 29 years, and mom has never, EVER been a good helpmeet to dad. I can't begin to tell you how bad it's been. I have to keep myself in check, because I honestly believe that the stress she's caused my dad at how horrible she is to him is why he had the heart attack in the first place. Let's just say that she is NOT a role model for me in my pursuit of being a supportive helpmeet to my own husband. And they were in marriage counseling for YEARS before this happened with my dad, and it's done NO good. She needs a radical, total change in her heart attitude regarding her role as a wife. I know the Lord can do great things; but she'd also have to be willing and WANTING to change; and I've never, EVER seen her express a desire to do so.

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Hunter's Moon

Hunter's Moon

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:party:

 

And :grouphug: for the frustration you are dealing with. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but try not to focus on the drama from your mother about your father being moved. Focus on your father and his miraculous recovery. Don't allow him to push too hard, especially if he is doing so because the pressure from your mother.

 

The whole trying to talk him out of his DNR decision is beyond words :glare:

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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:D <- - - -is the big smile on my face right now!!!

 

:party:

 

(and sorry about your Mom. There are no words, really.)

 

:party:

 

And :grouphug: for the frustration you are dealing with. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but try not to focus on the drama from your mother about your father being moved. Focus on your father and his miraculous recovery. Don't allow him to push too hard, especially if he is doing so because the pressure from your mother.

 

The whole trying to talk him out of his DNR decision is beyond words :glare:

 

 

 

 

Heather and Stephanie, thank you. :001_smile:

 

And you both are right. There really *are* no words about my mom. Well, ok, there ARE words. But not any I should use as a good Christian lady. :tongue_smilie:

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TranquilMind

TranquilMind

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My dad is OFF THE VENTILATOR! :party:

 

Praise JESUS! He's healing my father! God is SO good!

 

Dad hasn't needed the ventilaor for two days now. He's still got his trach, because the doctors need to be cautious in removing it. He is still getting oxygen to his trach, to help keep his blood oxygen saturation levels up while his lungs continue to get stronger. The doctors don't want to remove the trach until well after dad's off the oxygen all together, has been breathing 'regular air' for a while, and his lungs are still getting stronger/doing well. Because if they remove the trach to early, dad could have a relapse and end up back on the ventilator, and NO ONE wants that.

 

I just can't believe it. Two weeks ago, we were preparing to say goodbye to dad as he laid in a drug induced coma, fully dependant on the ventilator for his every breath. And now; now dad's off the vent completely, and he even can WALK from his bed to a chair! I have to hold back tears every time I talk to him about how happy I am with how well he's doing.

 

 

 

AMEN! So glad he is doing better!

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mumto2

mumto2

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I am so glad to hear your wonderful news! His recovery is amazing. My mil was like your mom. Just keep moving forward around her -- it's great your dad can make his own decisions now! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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Chris in VA

Chris in VA

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So happy for you re your dad--:grouphug: re your mom.

 

I will say that God can miraculously give the desire to change, too, so I'll be praying along those lines for your mom. It sounds to me like she is very scared/stressed and venting using her pattern of harping/criticizing that you've mentioned. I'm sorry.

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Desert Rat

Desert Rat

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Bethany, I'm so thrilled for you and your dad! What a wonderful turn of events! I loved, loved, loved reading that this morning.

 

Is it time to talk to your mom about divorce? She doesn't seem happy and seems like she willingly wants him to die. For me that would mean me sitting down and giving her permission to walk away from this situation completely and start another life. Ugh. You and he don't need that around.

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happyhomemaker

happyhomemaker

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:party::party:

Praise God for the healing your dad is experiencing!!!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

I'm so sorry your mom and sisters are making this time frustrating. I hope your dad can get more rest at the new hospital.

 

The comment about your mom and the DNR is very worrying to me. Is there any way your dad would consider naming you as the one to make medical decisions on his behalf in case he goes downhill again?

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elfgivas

elfgivas

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i really liked the idea of you speaking to your dad's doctor about speaking with your mom about not stressing him.

 

it could have a double whammy effect. because she works at the hospital, she will have a fellow colleague asking her to back off. she may well give way more weight to that than if anyone else said something to her. it would be best if the doctor didn't mention that you'd expressed concern. maybe if you spoke to the nurse your dad asked to have your mom kicked out, and see what she advises....

 

:grouphug:

ann

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J-rap

J-rap

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:party::party:

Is there any way your dad would consider naming you as the one to make medical decisions on his behalf in case he goes downhill again?

 

I agree with above.

 

That is truly wonderful news about your dad!! I'm very happy for you.

 

Your mother clearly seems dysfunctional. Why would you expect anything different after 29 years? (And I mean that gently, of course. I'm so sorry it is that way.)

 

Try and move ahead working for what's best for your dad, concentrating on what a blessing it is to have this extra time with him.

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Tammyla

Tammyla

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Oh, I'm so happy to hear your dad is recovering, and he is so blessed to have his daughters in his corner.

 

I'm saddened by your mother's actions and attitude. My mil was the same way and sadly, (I believe) caused my fil to give up on his recovery. Please encourage yourself and sisters to stay strong for your dad.

 

You may even consider consulting with the hospital to have himself or you and your sisters legally designated to make those medical decisions. Your mom doesn't sound like the best choice right now. (I totally get that this is devastating to a family, but it might be his best chance at recovery.) My dh and his sister both wish they had more say in the medical decisions.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I apologize for my post, but my experience with someone having full medical power over someone who was at his weakest has left me with a very heavy heart.

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I'm afraid the way I worded my OP wasn't very clear. My sisters are not being a burden/hindrance to dad at all; just my mom. Mom is driving all three of us sisters *and* dad completely crazy with the way she's acting.

 

And ladies, you've brought up a good idea. Perhaps on Sunday when I get to see dad again, I can talk to him about the idea of an advanced directive, and naming either me or my older sister as his medical 'voice' if he can't speak for himself again.

 

 

Kalah, as far as divorce...

 

My mother actually *has* discussed that with me in the recent past; obviously before the heart attack. However, our religious beliefs don't permit her to divorce him. But, there is the option of legal separation, which leaves dad being covered by her health insurance, which is good. She wants to leave him becaues she sees him as such a burden. I want her to leave him so that he doesn't have her around pulling him down, making him feel like he's nothing. Good grief; why did she marry him if she doesn't want to love on him, support him, encourage him? I honestly don't understand. And she claims to be a Christian woman! Lady, read the Bible already!

 

It's just a sad, ridiculous state that my mom isn't being a supportive, loving helpmeet to my dad. He just deserves so much better than that. Well ok, none of us 'deserve' anything, really. I just wish my dad could have that in his wife is all.

Edited by bethanyniez
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That's EXCELLENT news!!! Your dad needs to express his DNR desire to doctors. If something happened to him and only mom was around......

 

I don't know what to say about your mom, but for your own sanity, please try to emotionally disconnect from her. And your dad has to go home with her. :sad:

 

I honestly wish he didn't. I wish we had room for him to live with us. But we don't. And even if we made room, that'd make too many waves in the family; mom is one of those 'everything needs to LOOK good to OUTSIDE people' kind of people. Keeping up appearances is VERY important to her. So she'd not 'let' dad live with us anyway, because then that'd look bad on her.

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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:party::party:

Praise God for the healing your dad is experiencing!!!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

I'm so sorry your mom and sisters are making this time frustrating. I hope your dad can get more rest at the new hospital.

 

The comment about your mom and the DNR is very worrying to me. Is there any way your dad would consider naming you as the one to make medical decisions on his behalf in case he goes downhill again?

 

EXCELLENT idea. You clearly have his best interest at heart.

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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I'm afraid the way I worded my OP wasn't very clear. My sisters are not being a burden/hindrance to dad at all; just my mom. Mom is driving all three of us sisters *and* dad completely crazy with the way she's acting.

 

And ladies, you've brought up a good idea. Perhaps on Sunday when I get to see dad again, I can talk to him about the idea of an advanced directive, and naming either me or my older sister as his medical 'voice' if he can't speak for himself again.

 

 

Kalah, as far as divorce...

 

My mother actually *has* discussed that with me in the recent past; obviously before the heart attack. However, our religious beliefs don't permit her to divorce him. But, there is the option of legal separation, which leaves dad being covered by her health insurance, which is good. She wants to leave him becaues she sees him as such a burden. I want her to leave him so that he doesn't have her around pulling him down, making him feel like he's nothing. Good grief; why did she marry him if she doesn't want to love on him, support him, encourage him? I honestly don't understand. And she claims to be a Christian woman! Lady, read the Bible already!

 

It's just a sad, ridiculous state that my mom isn't being a supportive, loving helpmeet to my dad. He just deserves so much better than that. Well ok, none of us 'deserve' anything, really. I just wish my dad could have that in his wife is all.

 

Why does she view him as a burden? how has he been as a husband to her? i know your mom is acting crazy but if she has mentioned recently how she would like to leave, and she's treating him so badly, I wonder if there is stuff going on in the marriage that perhaps you don't know about?

 

But surely it sounds like she should not be the one making decisions about his care or life.

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No, my dad is not a burden really. And trust me, I know more about their marriage than I really *should*, because mom dumps it all on me.

 

Dad has struggled with depression his whole life. So sometimes, he's not that 'fun' of a person to be around. He's just down, you know? But he was taking meds for that which were helping (before the heart attack).

 

My mother is just an extremely self-centered, all about me and my needs kind of person. She doesn't want to be put in the position where she has to exert any extra energy, strength, or care towards dad.

 

And that makes me very sad.

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Tammyla

Tammyla

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:grouphug:Bethany:grouphug:

 

You really are in a difficult spot. I don't want to add to your worries, but your mother sounds very much like my mil. My dh and his sister really didn't believe she would ever make the choices she did... because a wife wouldn't do that. Kwim?

 

Do try to get someone other than you mother designated legally to make the medical decisions as soon as possible.

 

(If you dad is able to express his wishes, the hospital can do the paperwork without involving your mother.) Informing her once its done rather than asking her, may be the easier option.

Edited by Tammyla
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