Would you rather your child be kind or smart?

[8circles]

Define the terms how you will. This was discussed on another board I used to frequent and it was eye-opening to me. Just wondering how this board sways.

 

Id rather people didn't argue.

 

Im going to try a poll. Id love explanations if possible, especially for 'other' response.

 

ETA: To some people this is coming across differently than I intended, like an anonymous scolding. I see how it could be taken that way. I'm sorry, that isn't my intention. I tried not to give too many explanations myself because I didn't want to skew the answers. I answered 'kind' and there is no question that I think several people on the boards aren't kind. I wasn't thinking of them when I started the poll, not that I think they would have cared anyway. But several of the answers give explanations as to why 'kind' wouldn't be the answer & I think those answers make a lot of sense. I find it tremendously helpful to me to know why other people have a different view on these matters. I'm able to be more patient & empathetic as a result. No offense meant whatsoever.

Edited August 31, 2012 by momoflaw

[Dory]

I answered other and will probably be one of the few that does. I'm not sure what is meant by 'smart'. I don't know if I've ever thought about it in depth, but can smart really exist apart from kind? Or do they come at the same time? Is gentle different than kind? Or are they the same thing in a different form? I think empathy is something that a person learns, but can one be kind and not be empathetic?

I think this poll has got my mind working too much for this hour.:tongue_smilie:

[Catwoman]

I picked smart, assuming that the "kind" option was a nice kid, but dumber than a box of rocks. I was looking at the question from an "all or nothing" point of view.

 

Obviously, I would hope that he was both kind and smart, but a smart kid will have opportunities that a kind-but-dopey kid won't, and I'm thinking that it's possible to model and demonstrate kindness to a smart kid, so hopefully he will learn compassion and kindness in time, but you can't necessarily fix stupid.

 

I know. I know. I should have picked "kind." It's the nice thing to do. It would have shown that I was a person whose heart was in the right place.

 

I guess I blew it.

 

How about this? If my smart kid isn't very nice, I'll beat the kindness into him! :D

 

Except that I'm too kind to do the whole "beating" thing.

 

Was this a trick question? :D

[8circles]

I picked smart, assuming that the "kind" option was a nice kid, but dumber than a box of rocks. I was looking at the question from an "all or nothing" point of view.

 

Obviously, I would hope that he was both kind and smart, but a smart kid will have opportunities that a kind-but-dopey kid won't, and I'm thinking that it's possible to model and demonstrate kindness to a smart kid, so hopefully he will learn compassion and kindness in time, but you can't necessarily fix stupid.

 

I know. I know. I should have picked "kind." It's the nice thing to do. It would have shown that I was a person whose heart was in the right place.

 

I guess I blew it.

 

How about this? If my smart kid isn't very nice, I'll beat the kindness into him! :D

 

Except that I'm too kind to do the whole "beating" thing.

 

Was this a trick question? :D

:lol:

Thanks for the explanation.:001_smile:

[8circles]

I answered other and will probably be one of the few that does. I'm not sure what is meant by 'smart'. I don't know if I've ever thought about it in depth, but can smart really exist apart from kind? Or do they come at the same time? Is gentle different than kind? Or are they the same thing in a different form? I think empathy is something that a person learns, but can one be kind and not be empathetic?

I think this poll has got my mind working too much for this hour.:tongue_smilie:

 

Yeah, they're hard to define I think. Thanks for answering. :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do people have much choice over "smart"? I understand that you have a choice over how you use your intelligence but otherwise it seems you are somewhere on the smart continuum whether you want it or not. "Kind" is a character issue. So I would want my child to choose kindness no matter how smart he was.

[8circles]

Do people have much choice over "smart"? I understand that you have a choice over how you use your intelligence but otherwise it seems you are somewhere on the smart continuum whether you want it or not. "Kind" is a character issue. So I would want my child to choose kindness no matter how smart he was.

 

It was more of a "if you could choose" question.

[Catwoman]

Do people have much choice over "smart"? I understand that you have a choice over how you use your intelligence but otherwise it seems you are somewhere on the smart continuum whether you want it or not. "Kind" is a character issue. So I would want my child to choose kindness no matter how smart he was.

 

Now, see, that was the right answer.

 

I should have just waited for you to post your reply and then done one of these: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

My post probably succeeded in offending both smart and kind people everywhere. And that's saying something, because I was hardly even trying. :tongue_smilie:

 

My only hope is that this thread will be so over-shadowed by the Bill Nye the Science Guy thread, that no one will ever read my post.

[Mergath]

If I had to pick one, I'd go with being kind. Kindness brings more joy to you and the people around you than intelligence ever will.

[mytwomonkeys]

kind definitely. you can be smart and lack wisdom completely. you can be a smart serial killer, or a smart thief, or a smart a$$ -- you get the idea. kindness though. that is a rare gem and a blessing.

[Pink Fairy]

Kind. Smart and evil can go together, but kind and evil don't.

[AK_Mom4]

I voted "other".

 

I don't think defining yourself as being "the smart one" or "the kind one" is a good thing. I would not choose either label for my kids.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If I had to pick one, I'd go with being kind. Kindness brings more joy to you and the people around you than intelligence ever will.

 

:iagree: And 'smart' can so easily become 'smart-@ss', whereas 'kind,' by definition, lacks that evil tendency.

[Catwoman]

I voted "other".

 

I don't think defining yourself as being "the smart one" or "the kind one" is a good thing. I would not choose either label for my kids.

 

How about if they're just "the kind of smart ones?" :D

[Abigail4476]

How about if they're just "the kind of smart ones?" :D

 

:lol:

[8circles]

I voted "other".

 

I don't think defining yourself as being "the smart one" or "the kind one" is a good thing. I would not choose either label for my kids.

 

Thanks for your response. I wasn't thinking of labels, just which characteristic would you choose for them if it were possible.

[Joker]

I picked kind. I don't think many have a choice in the smart department. If you're question was I had to choose between kind or smart, I would still choose kind. I would rather have a kind and not so smart child than a mean and smart child.

[Crimson Wife]

I've known too many individuals who were intellectually brilliant but total @$$holes (pardon my French but there's really no better word to describe them).

 

I would find it rather frustrating to be the mom of a sweet-but-slow kid because I need to work on my patience, but at least I wouldn't worry about him/her potentially turning into a sociopath.

[Desert Rat]

Hmm... Well, I have one of each and I value both for different reasons.

 

My oldest is brilliant. I mean Einstein brilliant. Started reading at 2. Always amazes us with his knowledge. BUT, he lacks empathy. Big time. We've worked really hard over the last several years to get him to understand social cues and niceties. When he is kind, it's a shock and very exciting for us.

 

My youngest is the kindest child I've ever met. He intentionally looks out for his friends and family. From the time he was 2, he would ask anyone who offered him anything if he could have one for his brother, even though his brother never asked for one for him. It never mattered. He isn't too shabby in the brains department either. Just not as showy as his brother and more of an average learner.

 

I love my 12yo's intellect. I love that I can discuss topics with him and have an adult conversation. I think he will go far in any field he chooses. I hope he will find friends who accept him. He has a lot to offer.

 

I love my 9yo's gentle spirit. I love his kindness and his intuitive nature. He knows when I could use a hug, even if I don't realize it. He will make a wonderful spouse and caring father. I hope he has the opportunity to share his love with many people. They would all be privileged. I fear his fragility though. He could easily turn hard if his heart is abused.

 

I'm in a rare position to see these traits in two great kids.

[fraidycat]

I chose other. I want both. I want them to be kind, but I also want them to be "smart enough" not to get walked all over due to their kindness, KWIM?

[Rosie_0801]

I'd rather my children did not grow up to be the sort of people who inspire these types of questions. Questions like these sound reprimands in poll format.

 

Rosie

[Aelwydd]

I answered "other." I don't see these traits as mutually exclusive, or really on the same spectrum.

 

I have seen really intelligent people act with unfailing charity towards people less intelligent, and much more crass.

 

I have also witnessed a group of mentally challenged adults ganging up on one of the more profoundly disabled individuals and call him retarded. They had a regular pecking order among them, and they wouldn't be described by any as "smart."

 

I think that intelligence and empathy are just two different measures of ability in an individual. Having a super intelligent, but less empathetic person doesn't mean he or she will have any less ability to bring joy or happiness to others. What if that profoundly brilliant sociopath or the gifted autistic person discovers the cure for HIV?

 

What if the kind person is too superficial or unintelligent to recognize when kindness is actually an invitation to predators or other evil people to take advantage?

 

There is no clear cut win-lose here IMO. My ds shows an aptitude in both areas of intelligence and empathy. I want him to develop those, but in counter-balance to other character traits that may serve to give him a more nuanced and realistic view of the world around him.

[Audrey]

Define the terms how you will. This was discussed on another board I used to frequent and it was eye-opening to me. Just wondering how this board sways.

 

Id rather people didn't argue.

 

Im going to try a poll. Id love explanations if possible, especially for 'other' response.

 

 

I will answer with a story:

 

Armand works odd jobs for just about anyone and everyone in our little town. He picks up bread from the store for both the restaurants. He will even get other groceries for them. He does grocery shopping for shut-ins. He works as a field hand for many farmers. He is the only person who will livestock-sit for a farmer. He does small handy-man jobs for many people. He will taxi people to the big hospital for their treatments. On top of all of that, he serves with the volunteer fire department.

 

I have never seen Armand without a smile on his face or without a friendly bit of conversation for you. He is, without a doubt, the kindest man in this entire community. Armand will also tell you that he is retarded before he does any work for you because he feels it is only fair to let you know.

 

I'd rather have another 300 Armands in this town over the 300 who think they're the brightest pennies in the pack.

[Soror]

I've known too many individuals who were intellectually brilliant but total @$$holes (pardon my French but there's really no better word to describe them).

 

I would find it rather frustrating to be the mom of a sweet-but-slow kid because I need to work on my patience, but at least I wouldn't worry about him/her potentially turning into a sociopath.

 

:iagree: I'd hate to have to give up my brains to be kind but being smart is not a virtue and many people seem to think it makes them morally superior.

[tex-mex]

If I had to pick one, I'd go with being kind. Kindness brings more joy to you and the people around you than intelligence ever will.

:iagree:

 

Having taught Special Ed for a season... I have discovered that the kindest, sweetest people are those in the below average intelligence scale. Both my SIL (brain trauma injury) and sister (mental illness and low IQ) are the sweetest ladies I know -- despite the hard knocks of life that hit them, they bounce right back up and keep on going with a positive note. Both gals have every right to be bitter and angry at the raw deal life dealt them, but they choose to love others.

[Aelwydd]

:iagree:

 

Having taught Special Ed for a season... I have discovered that the kindest, sweetest people are those in the below average intelligence scale. Both my SIL (brain trauma injury) and sister (mental illness and low IQ) are the sweetest ladies I know -- despite the hard knocks of life that hit them, they bounce right back up and keep on going with a positive note. Both gals have every right to be bitter and angry at the raw deal life dealt them, but they choose to love others.

 

 

See, maybe my experience is an outlier, but my previous work in mental health exposed me to many times of mentally disabled/ handicapped people. And they turned out to be just like most everyone else. Some were angels, some were just a mixed bag, and some were just plain a$$holes, who acted abusive towards each other and their caretakers.

 

I have noticed in our culture an increasing trend of demonizing intellectualism, while exalting individuals of limited or subpar intelligence, as if just being born with Down's Syndrome makes them better and kinder human beings. IME, it depends on the individual, how they were raised, and their own innate character traits. There are many mentally challenged folks who are raised by families that do not discipline them, out of pity for their disadvantage. As a result, by the time these individuals reached adulthood, and programs such as the one I worked in, they were quite self-centered and acted like spoiled brats.

 

Again, the presence or lack of intelligence is a separate issue from kindness. You have have an overlap of each area, and you can have a an abundance in one and a deficiency in the other, and mentally disabled people are no more exempt from this than those of average or above-average intelligence.

[Skadi]

I've seen several studies that strongly correlate empathy with intelligence. The higher the intelligence, the more empathy. Regardless of race, gender, economic background. I'll try to dig those up, for anyone who is interested. The exception to this general rule of intelligence=kindness are people who were born with chromosomal abnormalities and various other conditions. These are exceptional cases, and as anyone who has studied intelligence will tell you, a person with, say, Down's Syndrome and an IQ of 60 is not at all the same as a person without it who also has an IQ of 60. Their brains are totally different. I answered the poll as "can't be kind without being smart first" in the assumption that we are talking about the majority of the population.

Edited August 31, 2012 by Skadi

[Rebecca VA]

Intelligent people may have a greater ability to imagine themselves in someone else's shoes; however, that doesn't mean they always act accordingly. I might see a homeless person in the snow and realize he's miserably cold, but not give him a coat because I'm such a busy person and my time is so extremely valuable (smirk).

 

I think less-intelligent people have a greater need to seek love. Some seek love by being kind (smiling and hugging), some by making themselves too available sexually, others by showing off and trying to grab attention. They need that attention because there's just not that much going on in their minds. That sounds really cruel, and I don't mean it to be at all. They're seeking stimulation and affirmation from external sources.

 

I know everyone is going to jump in with an anecdote about how my generalization isn't true for someone they know, but I do think there is a certain amount of truth to what I'm saying.

[Night Elf]

I have to choose kind. If I see it as all or nothing, as my personality is wont to do, then I'd rather my kids me kind and dumb and be surrounded by people that want to be near them, then smart and mean and be alone because no one wants to be near them. Sorry for the run on sentence.

[Onceuponatime]

It is smart to be kind. :D

[Mommyfaithe]

I voted "other".

 

I don't think defining yourself as being "the smart one" or "the kind one" is a good thing. I would not choose either label for my kids.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I want my kids to be smart......and kind, but labels tend to shackle.....and, I have seen kindness become manipulative as easily as smartness.....

[ailysh]

I chose kind because it had to be either/or. otherwise, like everybody else I'm sure, I would say both! :001_smile:

[shanvan]

I answered other and will probably be one of the few that does. I'm not sure what is meant by 'smart'. I don't know if I've ever thought about it in depth, but can smart really exist apart from kind? Or do they come at the same time? Is gentle different than kind? Or are they the same thing in a different form? I think empathy is something that a person learns, but can one be kind and not be empathetic?

I think this poll has got my mind working too much for this hour.:tongue_smilie:

 

I answered 'other' too b/c they are not mutually exclusive and I refuse to pick just one.

[Miss Marple]

Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" – she always called me Elwood – "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

—James Stewart as Elwood P. Dowd

 

(One of my favorite movie lines :001_smile: )

[Onceuponatime]

Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" – she always called me Elwood – "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

—James Stewart as Elwood P. Dowd

 

(One of my favorite movie lines :001_smile: )

 

 

My kids have discovered this movie and we've watched at least half a dozen times since Christmas.

[8circles]

I'd rather my children did not grow up to be the sort of people who inspire these types of questions. Questions like these sound reprimands in poll format.

 

Rosie

 

Oh my. No, im not reprimanding anyone. I'm sorry it's come across that way.

 

Like I said, someone asked this question years ago on a different board and I found the answers intriguing. I think that many of the explanations are things that I never thought of and make a lot of sense, even though the answer is different than mine. That's all.

[Kathryn]

I answered "other." I don't see these traits as mutually exclusive, or really on the same spectrum.

 

I have seen really intelligent people act with unfailing charity towards people less intelligent, and much more crass.

 

I have also witnessed a group of mentally challenged adults ganging up on one of the more profoundly disabled individuals and call him retarded. They had a regular pecking order among them, and they wouldn't be described by any as "smart."

 

I think that intelligence and empathy are just two different measures of ability in an individual. Having a super intelligent, but less empathetic person doesn't mean he or she will have any less ability to bring joy or happiness to others. What if that profoundly brilliant sociopath or the gifted autistic person discovers the cure for HIV?

 

What if the kind person is too superficial or unintelligent to recognize when kindness is actually an invitation to predators or other evil people to take advantage?

 

There is no clear cut win-lose here IMO. My ds shows an aptitude in both areas of intelligence and empathy. I want him to develop those, but in counter-balance to other character traits that may serve to give him a more nuanced and realistic view of the world around him.

 

I answered 'other' too b/c they are not mutually exclusive and I refuse to pick just one.

 

I know this is a hypothetical question, but I really can't answer it. I wouldn't want one extreme over the other.

 

:iagree: I've seen dumb and smart kind people and kind and mean smart people. I don't find them mutually exclusive, so I can't pick one or the other.

[The Girls' Mom]

Kind.

 

My oldest dd was incredibly blessed with being kind. She is the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. (and she was just born that way...her dad and I really cannot take any credit for it) It has touched the lives of many more people than any level of intelligence I've seen. (FWIW, she's fairly smart too, but that is not her most noticable trait)

[shanvan]

I'd rather my children did not grow up to be the sort of people who inspire these types of questions. Questions like these sound reprimands in poll format.

 

Rosie

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I want my kids to be smart......and kind, but labels tend to shackle.....and, I have seen kindness become manipulative as easily as smartness.....

 

I voted "other".

 

I don't think defining yourself as being "the smart one" or "the kind one" is a good thing. I would not choose either label for my kids.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: with each of these--just didn't see them earlier.

[Parker Martin]

Corruptio optimi pessima.

 

Kind.

 

Also, obviously most people would want both. That is not interesting. What people would choose if forced to make the choice--that is interesting.

[elegantlion]

I can't really answer either:

 

I want my ds to be smart enough to know when to shut his mouth and not have to be right all the time.

 

I want him to be kind enough not to tell off those people that aren't smart enough to shut their mouths.

[Blueridge]

Kind. No contest in my mind.

[8circles]

I added this to the OP as well:

 

To some people this is coming across differently than I intended, like an anonymous scolding. I see how it could be taken that way. I'm sorry, that isn't my intention. I tried not to give too many explanations myself because I didn't want to skew the answers. I answered 'kind' and there is no question that I think several people on the boards aren't kind. I wasn't thinking of them when I started the poll, not that I think they would have cared anyway. But several of the answers give explanations as to why 'kind' wouldn't be the answer & I think those answers make a lot of sense. I find it tremendously helpful to me to know why other people have a different view on these matters. I'm able to be more patient & empathetic as a result. No offense meant whatsoever.

 

Thanks for all the answers! I don't have time to reply to individuals right now as we've got to start lessons.

[Entropymama]

I think I know where you're going with this. I read a blog post once from a woman who said their family prioritized character over education. It was long, but the point was that they would stop academics to teach their kids kindness, generosity, obedience, etc. It wasn't that they wanted their kids to be uneducated, but they figured if you got to be an adult that was mature, self-reliant, kind, etc., you could learn the rest later.

 

That makes sense to me.

[a27mom]

Well Kindness is an action. Intelligence is a natural trait. You can choose to be kind. You don't get as much choice when it comes to intellectual capability.

 

It is kind of like asking if you would rather your kids are pretty or polite. Kwim

 

Of course "smart" could mean wise. But it is unwise to be unkind, so I think that would be more difficult to answer.

 

By the way I chose kind. My kids happen to both be pretty smart, that is genetics, I can't really affect that. Kindness is something I can influence.

[BigMamaBird]

I'd rather my child be kind. People will remember your kindness far more than your smarts. I've met a lot of folks who weren't particularly bright but were the nicest people to be around, on the flip side, I've met some smart people who are just intolerable to be around.

[swellmomma]

I answered kind. I took the question as an all or nothing type thing, and honestly I don't care if my kids were dumb as can be as long as they had a good heart, happy to help others etc. If by smart the thought is above average intelligence I really don't care. My kids could be completely average or below average and I would still love them completely and be happy with and for them if they were kind. I would not feel the same way if they were indifferent, or cold or mean to others. They could be the smartest person in the world but (again looking at an all or nothing thought) if they are not kind I would want to have nothing to do with them, and would be quite disappointed in them.

 

Part of what went through my mind is special needs kids. I have 3 of them. At this point none are dumb as in below average intelligence but I did think about kids who are, those with mental retardation, down syndrome etc. They may not be "smart" but often they are the kindest, sweetest people you will meet.

[swellmomma]

I think I know where you're going with this. I read a blog post once from a woman who said their family prioritized character over education. It was long, but the point was that they would stop academics to teach their kids kindness, generosity, obedience, etc. It wasn't that they wanted their kids to be uneducated, but they figured if you got to be an adult that was mature, self-reliant, kind, etc., you could learn the rest later.

 

That makes sense to me.

 

In Alberta we have to register with a school board to homeschool. My board actually is excellent on promoting classical education, offering amazing courses etc. So they value education BUT on the review forms we fill out at the start and end of each year to discuss the kids goals and progress the first 1/2 of the form is all about character traits. Yes the core subjects are discussed, but this form we fill out with the facilitator focuses on character traits. And if the character traits are slipping so to speak they will often suggest backing off on academics to focus on them. Yet at the same time they are striving to provide courses on the great books, euclid's geometry, latin, ethics etc. I agree that character comes first. Character is who you are at the core, intelligence is just how smart you are.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I added this to the OP as well:

 

To some people this is coming across differently than I intended, like an anonymous scolding. I see how it could be taken that way. I'm sorry, that isn't my intention. I tried not to give too many explanations myself because I didn't want to skew the answers. I answered 'kind' and there is no question that I think several people on the boards aren't kind. I wasn't thinking of them when I started the poll, not that I think they would have cared anyway. But several of the answers give explanations as to why 'kind' wouldn't be the answer & I think those answers make a lot of sense. I find it tremendously helpful to me to know why other people have a different view on these matters. I'm able to be more patient & empathetic as a result. No offense meant whatsoever.

 

Thanks for all the answers! I don't have time to reply to individuals right now as we've got to start lessons.

 

Eh - it's a bit of a silly question simply because we can't really choose about the smartness of our kids and we don't have to choose between teaching our kids kindness or academics since we can teach both. But I answer lots of silly questions on this board. Which isn't scolding you for asking the question. I just wouldn't spend too much time mulling over the answers or get hot and bothered about any of it, which is why I'm surprised that it would have led to an argument on your other forum!

[8circles]

Eh - it's a bit of a silly question simply because we can't really choose about the smartness of our kids and we don't have to choose between teaching our kids kindness or academics since we can teach both. But I answer lots of silly questions on this board. Which isn't scolding you for asking the question. I just wouldn't spend too much time mulling over the answers or get hot and bothered about any of it, which is why I'm surprised that it would have led to an argument on your other forum!

 

Well, I don't think its a silly question. Im not hot and bothered about any of it. I wouldn't have started the thread if he answers were likely to bother me. I don't honestly remember if there was an argument on the last board. I *do remember the explanations that gave me insight into a different point of view. I put in the 'no argument' bit because arguments often happen when not expected.

 

I realize that this isn't a practical question.