Things are better on the surface...

[Julie in CA]

The people in my life seem to be doing the right things now.

The farm is bad, but will probably last another 4-5 months.

I'm able to get my part-time job done and I might have a lead on a full-time position that I can do in addition to my part-time I already have.

I am almost ready for dds to start their schoolwork for this year.

 

Still, I am not ok. My hair is falling out, I don't have a moment of peace inside my own head, and I think I may slowly be going insane.

 

How to forget the past, and how long might it take?

I simply do not think I can take many more weeks/months/days of thinking these same thoughts.

[Susan C.]

Wounds take awhile to heal.

Try to keep on keeping on.

Time does heal.

Try not to dwell on it all the time, watch a movie or whatever distracts you to give yourself a break.

:grouphug:

[Lawana]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

if you get the full time job, will that keep your mind occupied?

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

:grouphug: I've been thinking about you. Julie.:grouphug:

[DianeW88]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug: I hope it gets better soon.

[Starr]

Oh Julie :grouphug: Days, months, years. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Carol in Cal.]

It's a process, not instant. No one should make you feel bad for feeling bad. Are you by chance trying antidepressants, though? Sometimes a short course is really helpful.

[SonshineLearner]

This may or may not be a good suggestion. I've heard that if you allow yourself a set amount of time to grieve each day, that it allows healing but yet moving on. So say, from 4:0 to 4:30 you think about how you don't like what happened... and yet the rest of the day you focus on what will happen... (and be positive :))

I'm really sorry... relationships are harder work than anything else!! And there are no "go home" times like with a job...

:(

[Julie in CA]

Are you by chance trying antidepressants, though? Sometimes a short course is really helpful.

Yes. Wellbutrin on board. I shudder to think of what this would be like without that assistance.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have no idea of your spiritual beliefs so please don't be offended at the following suggestion. I find that claiming some of God's promises to repeat over and over help me when my thoughts are destructive.

[Julie in CA]

This may or may not be a good suggestion. I've heard that if you allow yourself a set amount of time to grieve each day, that it allows healing but yet moving on. So say, from 4:0 to 4:30 you think about how you don't like what happened... and yet the rest of the day you focus on what will happen... (and be positive :))

I've heard that this is a good idea, but I'm so very far away from that.

Everything I see is a reminder in one way or another.

I don't even need hours of not remembering, I'd just be so relieved for a moment or two without the thoughts that keep playing in an ongoing loop in my mind.

[Julie in CA]

I have no idea of your spiritual beliefs so please don't be offended at the following suggestion. I find that claiming some of God's promises to repeat over and over help me when my thoughts are destructive.

I'm trying. I thought of myself before as very well-grounded in my faith, and I still believe, but I can't seem to hold on to comfort for even a minute. Along with hating myself for being...not good enough (as I truthfully always suspected anyway), I'm also angry with myself for not being able to cling to my faith in any tangible way. It's there, but it's not comforting at the present time.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[sparrow]

:grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

if you get the full time job, will that keep your mind occupied?

No, but it will mean that I will need even more to appear to be fine.

It will also mean a total 60 hour work week, plus homeschooling and taking care of family, and trying to ride out bankruptcy and be a comfort to dh, who might believe life without the farm is just not worth living. I'm having trouble viewing the full-time in addition to part-time being anything other than really, really difficult. I also have a huge hesitation about leaving dh alone without wifely companionship for even more time. His way of dealing with stress and loneliness in the recent past has not been healthy. :crying:

Edited August 27, 2012 by Julie in CA

[Negin]

Julie, you have been in my prayers and thoughts a lot.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[In the Rain]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

 

Is there any way, any where, you can get counseling? You need someone to help you. You need an objective, outside voice. Your dh needs counseling too, but he may be unwilling.

 

Honestly, I don't think I could handle and part time and full time job, plus try to deal with everything you are dealing with. It would seem like a full time job is enough. But I know you are doing what you need to do. It just seems so hard. :grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

:grouphug:

 

Is there any way, any where, you can get counseling? You need someone to help you. You need an objective, outside voice. Your dh needs counseling too, but he may be unwilling.

 

We have had counseling together for 3 months. Dh is better. I am trying to be, but failing. It seems like only a matter of time before I'll no longer be able to keep it mostly in my head. Dh is, in fact, trying very hard, but I can sense a bit of frustration from him that I'm not getting over it faster, not just for his benefit, but also for my own. I think he's worried (as am I), that I am permanently "broken". :sad:

[Michelle in AL]

I've been where you are and more. Here's what worked for me:

 

Eat and sleep well, even if it means taking sleep aids.

Yoga everyday to calm the soul or meditation. Some type of exercise.

Journal. This is the #1 most effective thing for me when I felt like I was going crazy. If I die and anyone finds it they will think I am the most bitter, hateful woman in the world, but writing down how I felt helps better than anything.

 

For my own confidence, working and going back to school helped tremendously, as did the time with other adults that I work with that have become like family to me (even the crazy bad ones)!

 

Although my outcome is probably different than what you want, and my circunstances were very different, I can truly say that I came out better, stronger and happier. It can be done.

 

Also, make sure you have an hour to do something you like everyday, even if it's only reading a book.

 

I really had to stick to this regimen to get me through. My own personal counselor helped a lot too.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you. It's not easy.

[Negin]

Michelle, your tips are really helpful. Thank you for sharing.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[SunnyDays]

Hugs to you Julie. I hate to give a pat answer, but these things take time. If anyone in your life is telling you that you should just be "over" things by now, it doesn't work that way.

 

I read a good tip once that if you find yourself worrying and obsessing about something, stop and close your eyes, take a deep breath, and choose to engage your mind in something else. A book, a TV show, a learning session with your child, something. Or have a song you can pop into your head. It's not a cureall, but it may give you a few minutes of peace.

 

Can certainly understand your concerns about the potential job. Sorry if I missed this, but is it one where you'll have to be out and with people all day? In otherwords, will you have to be "on" all the time? Although that's one kind of stress when some days, you'd probably just rather curl up in a corner... it will force your mind to be on other things. And the money would certainly be nice. I'm not telling you that you should take it, but just a perspective.

 

Just many, many hugs to you. :grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

Can certainly understand your concerns about the potential job. Sorry if I missed this, but is it one where you'll have to be out and with people all day? In otherwords, will you have to be "on" all the time? Although that's one kind of stress when some days, you'd probably just rather curl up in a corner... it will force your mind to be on other things. And the money would certainly be nice. I'm not telling you that you should take it, but just a perspective.

 

Cooking in a nursing home kitchen. Not super-exciting, and depressingly minimum wage, but if I can juggle that job, my restaurant job, and homeschooling/housework, I should be able to put away a little bit of cash to help us along when everything else is gone. :001_unsure:

 

Thanks so much for your advice.

[Mommyfaithe]

Julie, you have been in my prayers and thoughts a lot.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Mine too. I am sorry it is so hard. I am rooting for you....

[Sparkle]

Let others pray for you. I know when I've gone through some rough times, I couldn't pray for myself...it was all I could do to hang on, but I did find comfort knowing that others were praying for me. So, don't be afraid to ask for prayer! :grouphug:

[Michelle in AL]

Julie, I just read the part where you will be working 2 jobs and homeschooling. I say this very kindly and gently, but that probably isn't the best thing for anyone right now. I would consider putting the kids in school or not taking one of the jobs.

[Impish]

Julie, I just read the part where you will be working 2 jobs and homeschooling. I say this very kindly and gently, but that probably isn't the best thing for anyone right now. I would consider putting the kids in school or not taking one of the jobs.

:iagree:More on your plate isn't what you need right now :grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

Julie, I just read the part where you will be working 2 jobs and homeschooling. I say this very kindly and gently, but that probably isn't the best thing for anyone right now. I would consider putting the kids in school or not taking one of the jobs.

It's...um...complicated.

 

One of the issues appears to have been that I'm not very interesting and should maybe broaden my horizons. Dh seems to think we'd have more to talk about at the end of the day if I were a little more out in the world. It was one of the things that...seemed appealing in someone else. Obviously I can't be everything (like 25, slender, and without family duties/responsibilities :glare:), but it's true that I've really devoted myself to household & family and may be a little one-dimensional, kwim?

 

For my part, I'm feeling intense pressure about losing the farm (and everything else), and if I can earn a few dollars and seem more appealing at the same time, all that I have to lose is some hours from my day. I've never been afraid of work, but I don't know what's worse--not taking the job, staying home and available to family, missing out on the financial benefit, and seeming like a boring person, or working too many hours, leaving dh with too much time on his hands when I'm unavailable, and putting some cash away for the storm I know is closing in.

 

Maybe it's true that my dc are older now, and it's time for me to work hard in a different way than I have in the past. I. Just. Don't. Know...and it's hard to determine the right thing to do when my brain feels so broken. What if I stay home, and along with all of the boring stuff I was before, now I'm also cRaZy? Not sure that's the improvement we're looking for. :001_huh:

[Starr]

I don't for a minute think you are boring. That sounds like his projecting his issues onto you. You are a wonderful person. Don't listen to anything else! Maybe he needs the job outside the home.

[4kiddies]

It's...um...complicated.

 

One of the issues appears to have been that I'm not very interesting and should maybe broaden my horizons. Dh seems to think we'd have more to talk about at the end of the day if I were a little more out in the world. It was one of the things that...seemed appealing in someone else. Obviously I can't be everything (like 25, slender, and without family duties/responsibilities :glare:), but it's true that I've really devoted myself to household & family and may be a little one-dimensional, kwim?

 

Julie, I realize you don't know me from anyone but I have been following your story and I just had to say this...do not let him in ANY way make you feel that you are to blame for HIS indiscretions..That is his fault and ONLY his fault!

[sbgrace]

Oh Julie. I'm sorry you're facing so much upcoming while trying to heal from the past too. :grouphug:

 

I'll pray for you. I don't know if it's any help but you're just not far enough out to have it not hurt and haunt so much I don't think. I'm sorry it's so dark. :grouphug: FWIW, those actions had absolutely nothing to do with you/what you weren't. Infidelity, in any form, is about the person engaged in it and their issues much more than anything else. If you're being told if you were x and y it wouldn't have happened it's false and indicative there is a whole lot of internal work to do in your spouse. Is he getting individual counseling? Are you seeing repentance and remorse? Maybe you're blaming yourself rather than being told these things. Our maybe that was said early on when blameshifting was still happening? I hope it's not presently being said. It's not true and was never true. Please don't take it on yourself in that way.

 

I'm sorry Julie.

Edited August 28, 2012 by sbgrace

[Michelle in AL]

:grouphug: Know you are enough!! :grouphug:

 

Take this with a grain of salt, but I think the person who loves you should love you for who you are. You are probably a kind, caring, calm, loving wife and mother who provides a caring home for her family.

 

In my marriage we went through a near failure of a business. This seemed to be a bad mix for middle life when men are often reevaluating themsleves and their life. Instead of facing reality or what they can change, they often blame others. "I would be happy if you would just________________." Life would be better if you just would let me ____________________. I would love you more if__________________.

 

Sometimes we have to take ownership for these things, but sometimes it can be misplaced blame for a life that is out of control.

 

You are worth being loved for who you are. A counselor separate from your MC might be able to help you with that. School or work may help things, but you don't need to do them all at once. Just a little bit outside the home may help in the things to talk about dept, but you can't be the answer to everything (teacher, attentive wife, mother, financial provider).

[Just Kate]

I don't for a minute think you are boring. That sounds like his projecting his issues onto you. You are a wonderful person. Don't listen to anything else! Maybe he needs the job outside the home.

 

:iagree: I'm sitting here trying to figure out how this is all your fault and why you are the one feeling responsible for fixing things. From what I see of you on here, you are a very kind person who loves your family imensely. Please make sure you take the time to love yourself while walking this road. YOU are important too. Please remember this. :grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

I don't know if it's any help but you're just not far enough out to have it not hurt and haunt so much I don't think.

How far is far enough?

 

It's been a little over 3 months. How much longer? Is there any consensus about how long it usually takes to not feel quite so crazed?

 

And no, dh is not shifting blame in any way. It just seems logical to me that if I'd been able to fill the needs he found in someone else, he wouldn't have wanted the someone else. :confused: I admit to probably not thinking incredibly logically though.

[Audrey]

We have had counseling together for 3 months. Dh is better. I am trying to be, but failing. It seems like only a matter of time before I'll no longer be able to keep it mostly in my head. Dh is, in fact, trying very hard, but I can sense a bit of frustration from him that I'm not getting over it faster, not just for his benefit, but also for my own. I think he's worried (as am I), that I am permanently "broken". :sad:

 

 

From someone who has been at the bottom of the pit of despair... there comes a time when you must choose to be happy, and commit to that choice ... a minute at a time, an hour at a time, a day at a time, a week at a time, a month at a time... until you are there.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Audrey

[Little Nyssa]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Audrey]

How far is far enough?

 

It's been a little over 3 months. How much longer? Is there any consensus about how long it usually takes to not feel quite so crazed?

 

And no, dh is not shifting blame in any way. It just seems logical to me that if I'd been able to fill the needs he found in someone else, he wouldn't have wanted the someone else. :confused: I admit to probably not thinking incredibly logically though.

 

 

Well, first of all... his seeking someone else is not about you. Stop pretending it is. It is his failing alone. If you keep clinging to this notion that it is about you, you cannot get over it. The fault is on him. Stop taking on his failure as your own.

[Starr]

Well, first of all... his seeking someone else is not about you. Stop pretending it is. It is his failing alone. If you keep clinging to this notion that it is about you, you cannot get over it. The fault is on him. Stop taking on his failure as your own.

 

:iagree:

[Jackie in NE]

The people in my life seem to be doing the right things now.

The farm is bad, but will probably last another 4-5 months.

I'm able to get my part-time job done and I might have a lead on a full-time position that I can do in addition to my part-time I already have.

I am almost ready for dds to start their schoolwork for this year.

 

Still, I am not ok. My hair is falling out, I don't have a moment of peace inside my own head, and I think I may slowly be going insane.

 

How to forget the past, and how long might it take?

I simply do not think I can take many more weeks/months/days of thinking these same thoughts.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Julie, You've received some really good advice here. I, too, have been in a similar place. This is where the "rubber meets the road". By that I mean, when you feel like you're deep in the pit of despair, you simply must take care of your own needs. You must ignore any external expectations about how quickly you should heal, or how much you should work, or how together you should be, or about whether or not to homeschool. You must do those things that truly feed you. If it's relaxation that will feed you, go there. If it's your relationship with Christ, then spend time there. You must learn how to take care of yourself. It is the only way to heal, and the only way to prepare for the future. Be selfish. If you don't nurture yourself now, it will take longer to heal..... I wish you all the best. This is a hard road, but you CAN come out the other side stronger and happier. Godspeed. :grouphug::grouphug:

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: Julie, this hug seems so puny on the screen, but the feelings behind it are so much bigger in real life. You've been bruised and when we are older those bruises take longer to heal than they did when we were young girls.

[Desert Rat]

I think of you often, Julie.

I don't have any help really.

I can give you a quote that was on my fridge, in my car, and in my heart for the better part of 18 months during dh's lay off, under-employment and recovery.

"If you're going through hell, don't stop." Winston Churchill.

Hang in tight.

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug: I will PM you later when I get a chance.

[LizzyBee]

How far is far enough?

 

It's been a little over 3 months. How much longer? Is there any consensus about how long it usually takes to not feel quite so crazed?

 

And no, dh is not shifting blame in any way. It just seems logical to me that if I'd been able to fill the needs he found in someone else, he wouldn't have wanted the someone else. :confused: I admit to probably not thinking incredibly logically though.

 

People who look elsewhere do it to fill an empty spot inside themselves. I had an aha moment when my xh said something to me that made me realize I could have been June Cleaver with Barbie's face and body, and he still would have cheated. If your dh was bored, it was because the routines of life can feel boring, not because you are boring. You were raising his kids, for pete's sake. There isn't anything "out there" that is more important or exciting than that, and if he forgot it for a little while, that is his shortcoming, not yours.

 

I think you can expect the pain to be pretty raw for about a year. Your dh needs to be patient and realize that you can't just snap your fingers and be over it.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[jenbrdsly]

Julie, in the very first thread you mentioned your hair falling out. This seems really simple, but have you tried taking an iron supplement? That might help. Also, sometimes if you have anemia that can cause a lot of other issues too, like having trouble sleeping, concentrating, or general malaise.

 

:grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

Julie, in the very first thread you mentioned your hair falling out. This seems really simple, but have you tried taking an iron supplement? That might help. Also, sometimes if you have anemia that can cause a lot of other issues too, like having trouble sleeping, concentrating, or general malaise.

 

:grouphug:

I haven't tried taking any iron, but it probably wouldn't hurt for me to take a vitamin supplement of some kind. My complexion, which even in puberty remained "peaches & cream", has become a disaster of painful facial blemishes--as if I weren't wretched enough. :glare:

[Starr]

I haven't tried taking any iron, but it probably wouldn't hurt for me to take a vitamin supplement of some kind. My complexion, which even in puberty remained "peaches & cream", has become a disaster of painful facial blemishes--as if I weren't wretched enough. :glare:

 

You are not wretched. You are reacting normally for someone going through what you are going through. This didn't all happen because of you. Try to tell yourself at least one good thing about yourself every day. :grouphug:

[kitten18]

I've heard that this is a good idea, but I'm so very far away from that.

Everything I see is a reminder in one way or another.

I don't even need hours of not remembering, I'd just be so relieved for a moment or two without the thoughts that keep playing in an ongoing loop in my mind.

This sounds like anxiety (perfectly understandable). Can you ask your Dr. for something for anxiety in addition to the Wellbutrin? I like Xanax but it's relatively short acting, there are other anxiety meds that last most of the day.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Caitilin]

As far as supplements go, try taking some biotin to help with your hair (and probably skin too, to some extent). Also, take a good quality multi; chelated zinc has done wonders for my acne, so it might be worth a try for you too, though I have not had the stress you've had.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: you remain in my thoughts and prayers. Lord have mercy.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Liz CA]

It's a process, not instant. No one should make you feel bad for feeling bad. Are you by chance trying antidepressants, though? Sometimes a short course is really helpful.

 

Good idea! Are you both in counseling, Julie?

 

I have no idea of your spiritual beliefs so please don't be offended at the following suggestion. I find that claiming some of God's promises to repeat over and over help me when my thoughts are destructive.

 

This really does work! When those tapes start playing in your head, pray some of the great sections of the Psalms. Psalm 31:7-9 and 31:14-16