Things are better on the surface...

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm trying. I thought of myself before as very well-grounded in my faith, and I still believe, but I can't seem to hold on to comfort for even a minute. Along with hating myself for being...not good enough (as I truthfully always suspected anyway), I'm also angry with myself for not being able to cling to my faith in any tangible way. It's there, but it's not comforting at the present time.

 

This is a lie that can destroy you, Julie. You are amazing! God didn't make you for nothing. He made you for something. He is there to shoulder your burdens, but you must actually hand them over. It is hard, I know. I know. You can do this.

 

From someone who has been at the bottom of the pit of despair... there comes a time when you must choose to be happy, and commit to that choice ... a minute at a time, an hour at a time, a day at a time, a week at a time, a month at a time... until you are there.

 

Well, first of all... his seeking someone else is not about you. Stop pretending it is. It is his failing alone. If you keep clinging to this notion that it is about you, you cannot get over it. The fault is on him. Stop taking on his failure as your own.

 

I agree on both counts.

[Liz CA]

I don't for a minute think you are boring. That sounds like his projecting his issues onto you. You are a wonderful person. Don't listen to anything else! Maybe he needs the job outside the home.

 

Yes, it does sound like trying to shove some of the blame onto you.

You can become "more interesting" in a number of other ways. Read books together and discuss, take dancing classes, go to garage sales and refurbish furniture...and more.

[Mrs Mungo]

Yes, it does sound like trying to shove some of the blame onto you.

You can become "more interesting" in a number of other ways. Read books together and discuss, take dancing classes, go to garage sales and refurbish furniture...and more.

 

I agree. I think growing and experiencing new things *together* can be a great thing.

[Pixjen]

Well, first of all... his seeking someone else is not about you. Stop pretending it is. It is his failing alone. If you keep clinging to this notion that it is about you, you cannot get over it. The fault is on him. Stop taking on his failure as your own.

 

THIS. I went through this with my ex, who sought out two relationships in the brief year that we were married. It absolutely, positively has NOTHING to do with you.

 

I know what that emotional roller coaster feels like. The feelings of anger, betrayal, and the soul rending feelings of self-doubt. I already had terrible self esteem issues before I discovered what was going on (twice!), and my feelings of self worth were completely in the toilet by that time.

 

In my case, my ex was a complete sleaze and went off and did the same thing to his next two wives. Not saying your hubs is going to do that...just that it's all about the choices HE is making, and has nothing to do with YOU. :grouphug:

[Alte Veste Academy]

:grouphug:Julie:grouphug:

 

I have read this thread as well as your others and I am furious for you. Just furious. And then it occurred to me that I haven't heard you sound furious. You sound hurt, of course. You, your marriage, your family have all been badly hurt. But you have also been wronged. You did no wrong!

 

Guess what. I am a pretty boring wife too. Well, my DH is about as boring as I am. We are boring. Sometimes we get frustrated with that and try to get more active or have people over or blah blah blah, but then we are just boring again. Surprise! That's life! Is your DH just the cat's pajamas? Does he read The Economist and is his nightstand stacked up with half the books from the best seller list? Does he have fulfilling, rewarding hobbies and spend hours upon hours imparting his skill and wisdom to the kids? Does he play in the local orchestra and volunteer at the food pantry? I am not saying he is not a good man, deep down, a good man who made a terrible mistake. And gosh, maybe he does all those things and more. Or maybe he is boring too. So he is bored. And he got himself some excitement and then, appropriately, felt deeply ashamed. But he is making another, equally terrible, mistake now and that is allowing you to feel in any way responsible for his terrible choice. So here I am, a stranger, pissed off for you. And I want you to love yourself enough to get pissed off too.

 

He is projecting his own feelings onto you. I am sure his self-esteem is in serious jeopardy right now as well because of the impending loss of your farm. That is huge. And men can be awful about taking out their frustration and fear on those around them. So may I suggest that when you are criticizing yourself and you can't get these sad and self-deprecating thoughts out of your head, replace them with some righteous indignation and then keep on moving until you can just dismiss the thoughts out of hand when they occur to you. See him as a wounded animal lashing out if you must. Literally visualize that if it helps. But also visualize yourself wrapped up in your own love.

 

ETA: If you are fully committed to taking on an interesting hobby, might I suggest a punching bag? :D So good for stress relief! I don't know how you feel about cursing but doing it extraordinarily loudly all alone is super rewarding too. I'm generally not a fan but sometimes...

Edited August 28, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy

[myfunnybunch]

I'm trying. I thought of myself before as very well-grounded in my faith, and I still believe, but I can't seem to hold on to comfort for even a minute. Along with hating myself for being...not good enough (as I truthfully always suspected anyway), I'm also angry with myself for not being able to cling to my faith in any tangible way. It's there, but it's not comforting at the present time.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh, honey. My heart just hurts so much for you.

 

You don't have to be "good enough" for God. You are already perfectly and beautifully who He created you to be. He is walking beside you through this valley, and He is clinging to you.

 

And I agree with many other posters: Your husband's choices are about him. They are not a reflection of who you are. I know how it feels to be blindsided. Sometimes it is easier to believe that we are to blame because it means we have some measure of control, but the reality is you did not do this.

 

You are strong and brave, and breathtakingly honest, which can be painful and difficult but will help you on the road to real healing. You will come through the other side of this. I am praying for healing and health. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Kim in Appalachia]

We have had counseling together for 3 months. Dh is better. I am trying to be, but failing. It seems like only a matter of time before I'll no longer be able to keep it mostly in my head. Dh is, in fact, trying very hard, but I can sense a bit of frustration from him that I'm not getting over it faster, not just for his benefit, but also for my own. I think he's worried (as am I), that I am permanently "broken". :sad:

 

I don't know if you can just "get over it". And you are hurt. Pain takes time, real time. You need to learn how to cope with what you feel and how to slowly build up what you had. You will always have scars. None of it will just go away. You are putting too much pressure on yourself, and your dh is too. You still need counseling. You need to give yourself a lot more time without pressure or expectations about how you should feel or react. :grouphug:

[LaxMom]

I don't know if you can just "get over it". And you are hurt. Pain takes time, real time. You need to learn how to cope with what you feel and how to slowly build up what you had. You will always have scars. None of it will just go away. You are putting too much pressure on yourself, and your dh is too. You still need counseling. You need to give yourself a lot more time without pressure or expectations about how you should feel or react. :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: I agree. At 3 months, I was biding time until the future date I had picked to walk out the door if there wasn't marked progress. At 3 years - and a major rebuilding of our relationship, and generally happy, normal life - I can feel myself getting tense and irritable approaching the anniversary. Now, it's a slight cranky spot in the year; then it was still very much touch and go.

 

I'm PMing you with a resource I found very helpful.

[Heather in Neverland]

:grouphug:Julie:grouphug:

 

I have read this thread as well as your others and I am furious for you. Just furious. And then it occurred to me that I haven't heard you sound furious. You sound hurt, of course. You, your marriage, your family have all been badly hurt. But you have also been wronged. You did no wrong!

 

Guess what. I am a pretty boring wife too. Well, my DH is about as boring as I am. We are boring. Sometimes we get frustrated with that and try to get more active or have people over or blah blah blah, but then we are just boring again. Surprise! That's life! Is your DH just the cat's pajamas? Does he read The Economist and is his nightstand stacked up with half the books from the best seller list? Does he have fulfilling, rewarding hobbies and spend hours upon hours imparting his skill and wisdom to the kids? Does he play in the local orchestra and volunteer at the food pantry? I am not saying he is not a good man, deep down, a good man who made a terrible mistake. And gosh, maybe he does all those things and more. Or maybe he is boring too. So he is bored. And he got himself some excitement and then, appropriately, felt deeply ashamed. But he is making another, equally terrible, mistake now and that is allowing you to feel in any way responsible for his terrible choice. So here I am, a stranger, pissed off for you. And I want you to love yourself enough to get pissed off too.

 

He is projecting his own feelings onto you. I am sure his self-esteem is in serious jeopardy right now as well because of the impending loss of your farm. That is huge. And men can be awful about taking out their frustration and fear on those around them. So may I suggest that when you are criticizing yourself and you can't get these sad and self-deprecating thoughts out of your head, replace them with some righteous indignation and then keep on moving until you can just dismiss the thoughts out of hand when they occur to you. See him as a wounded animal lashing out if you must. Literally visualize that if it helps. But also visualize yourself wrapped up in your own love.

 

ETA: If you are fully committed to taking on an interesting hobby, might I suggest a punching bag? :D So good for stress relief! I don't know how you feel about cursing but doing it extraordinarily loudly all alone is super rewarding too. I'm generally not a fan but sometimes...

 

I love this response.

 

I am so sick of men making women feel like if they were just more this or more that then the man wouldn't have to cheat. Give me a break.

 

I give you credit for even trying to make it work. ANY effort from you no matter how small, he should be grateful. :glare:

 

I would have walked as soon as I found out.

 

 

.

[chickenpatty]

:grouphug::grouphug:Praying for you. :grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

Let others pray for you. I know when I've gone through some rough times, I couldn't pray for myself...it was all I could do to hang on, but I did find comfort knowing that others were praying for me. So, don't be afraid to ask for prayer! :grouphug:

 

This. I found this true in my own life too.

[KnitWit]

:grouphug::grouphug: Praying for you! You have been given some awesome counsel and encouragement in this thread. Speak the TRUTH to yourself. :grouphug:

[8circles]

I love this response.

 

I am so sick of men making women feel like if they were just more this or more that then the man wouldn't have to cheat. Give me a break.

 

I give you credit for even trying to make it work. ANY effort from you no matter how small, he should be grateful. :glare:

 

I would have walked as soon as I found out.

 

 

.

:iagree:

 

I can't say much because I'd end up breaking a board rule. You didn't cause this. You can't fix what caused this. You need to HEAL because you've been hurt and that is a long and slow process. If he isn't 100% on board with that, he isn't doing as much work as you think. Sounds like he just wants it to go away, like a child who misbehaves but then balks at the consequences or laughs because they don't want to accept the gravity of the wrong.

 

I think, instead of trying to put on a brave face, you need to be more honest with your Dh about just how much damage he's done. He doesn't get to just move on and be impatient for you to follow.

 

:hugs: you are loved. You are strong. You are precious. You are worthy. You are beautiful.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

People who look elsewhere do it to fill an empty spot inside themselves. I had an aha moment when my xh said something to me that made me realize I could have been June Cleaver with Barbie's face and body, and he still would have cheated. If your dh was bored, it was because the routines of life can feel boring, not because you are boring. You were raising his kids, for pete's sake. There isn't anything "out there" that is more important or exciting than that, and if he forgot it for a little while, that is his shortcoming, not yours.

 

I think you can expect the pain to be pretty raw for about a year. Your dh needs to be patient and realize that you can't just snap your fingers and be over it.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Blueridge]

Julie, you came to my mind just yesterday. I am so glad you stopped by and shared. :grouphug::grouphug: Of course, I echo the sentiments of all the ladies here. This was not your fault. I don't want to get off into husband bashing... I think, in an attempt to 'make up for it seeming to be your fault', you have tried to keep a happy face, be brave, understanding, strong, self sacrificing, perfect, so that your Dh will have nothing to complain about or regret. I think that may be the problem. You deserve to feel angry. Even Jesus displayed anger on occasion! I'm sorry to say this, but your Dh is being selfish by just wanting it all to disappear, or implying that if were this way or that way, nothing would have happened. Every time he sees your sad face, it reminds him of his failings. Give yourself time and stop trying to act perfectly normal for his sake. I think he would actually feel better if you stopped blaming and criticizing yourself. He needs to see that you value yourself. Don't make yourself the sacrificial lamb. You are a beautiful woman, obviously because of the extent to which you will go for the good of everybody else. Speak loving words to yourself today. God can make beauty from the ashes...

You need to be sure that you are eating enough, because hair loss can also be caused by malnutrition. B vitamins are good for stress. And please do something simple to treat yourself, like putting on some nice smelling hand lotion or wearing something that you love to wear. The little things you are willing to do for yourself really do matter!

Edited August 28, 2012 by Blueridge

[Impish]

Well, first of all... his seeking someone else is not about you. Stop pretending it is. It is his failing alone. If you keep clinging to this notion that it is about you, you cannot get over it. The fault is on him. Stop taking on his failure as your own.

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Jaxmum]

Prayers for you all, Julie. I understand very well. I will PM some info.

[Julie in CA]

I've hesitated to post details, because of forum policy, and a need not to have the thread closed/deleted. Still, I want to clear a few things up, because I realize I've painted my dh in a really bad light (not that he doesn't deserve it, but...).

 

There doesn't seem to have been a physical affair at all, and there doesn't seem to even have been much of a conscious emotional connection on dh's part.

 

Dh was/is way over his head stressed about business, was hiding that from me, and found someone who was both knowledgeable, fun, and willing to talk with him about cows/dairy. He was able to share the business aspect, and it began as a stress reliever. To a certain extent, he was hooked on that, and not the particular person.

 

As things became worse with the business, he relied more and more on having that avenue of stress release, even to a point of compulsivity/perhaps obsession. Close to 1000 calls over 9 months, and the most painful part was that dh would go outside in the middle of the night to call her while I was sleeping, and that it was someone I knew and that dh and I saw several times a week in a social context.

 

Dh had compartmentalized and justified it as business conversation (and you'd have to know my dh to believe, but I do think it was mostly business conversation and not any romantic notions on dh's part). Still, she was 25, talking to a married man in the middle of the night, and keeping it secret from the wife. I don't look at either of them as blameless. :glare: It's also clear from the call records that even though after 9 months the other woman called it off, dh continued to pursue conversations with her occasionally over an additional 9 months (ouch).

 

Dh is very sorry, but he does think I should be better by now. Something the counselor said during one session could certainly be construed as meaning that I should be getting better by now. I heard the counselor say that I should be starting to see some of the good aspects of this, such as the fact that dh didn't seem to have any physical/truly emotional ties, and that he was apologetic and had discontinued the relationship. Dh heard the counselor say that I should be beginning to feel much better. :001_huh:

 

Either way, I'm not there. At all.

I'm going to get some help, really! I am clearly falling apart, and it's not pretty.

Thank you all for your help, advice, and kind words. If you've sent me a private message, please know how valuable it is to me, even though I'm not quite up on responding. And to all of you who have been sending me :grouphug: and praying, I can feel it.

[Julie in CA]

Perhaps this is the solution I've been looking for! :tongue_smilie:

[Alte Veste Academy]

Perhaps this is the solution I've been looking for! :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol::lol::lol: You haven't lost your sense of humor, Julie. You're going to be fine. :grouphug:

 

I get what you're saying about your DH and it not being physical. That is some relief, of course. One of my best friends went through something very similar to you. Her husband formed an intense friendship and camaraderie with a female soldier during a deployment that lasted well into reunion and the following year. It almost ripped her family apart and it was a good year before she wasn't sick to her stomach every minute of every day. That doesn't sound like good news but it might be useful to hear that even when it's not physical, the hurt is still great enough to persist. Their marriage has recovered now, by the way.

 

:grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

"an intense friendship and camaraderie"

This is probably a really good way of describing what happened, though the obsessive part of it worries me. Does one really suddenly "get over" that sort of thing? Can you really go from talking to someone that much (even about professional things) to not talking to them and actually not miss them? :001_unsure:

 

He really doesn't seem to miss it. In my mind though, I don't see how he could possibly not miss her. :confused:

[Amy in NH]

 

Still, I am not ok. My hair is falling out, I don't have a moment of peace inside my own head, and I think I may slowly be going insane.

 

How to forget the past, and how long might it take?

I simply do not think I can take many more weeks/months/days of thinking these same thoughts.

 

When I felt like this was when I went to seek help from my physician. I hope you can find some peace.

[Susan C.]

This is probably a really good way of describing what happened, though the obsessive part of it worries me. Does one really suddenly "get over" that sort of thing? Can you really go from talking to someone that much (even about professional things) to not talking to them and actually not miss them? :001_unsure:

 

He really doesn't seem to miss it. In my mind though, I don't see how he could possibly not miss her. :confused:

 

I don't know board rules, so (and he didn't talk to you that much and it feels like he is rejecting you). And that HURTS.

 

But on the realistic side, it was obsessive and not normal at all. And maybe you don't want to talk with him a lot yet. Your call. I like what K a T H * e G * f f o * d husband said after an affair, that he will spend the rest of his life proving to her he was the man she thought she married. I pray you are seeing that effort from your dh, if you do, you can be encouraged.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Starr]

Whatever he was doing, it wasn't with you and he kept it a secret. I think he should be thinking of things to make you happy. It's never going to go back to the good ole days and that isn't your fault. It will have to be something different.

[Alte Veste Academy]

This is probably a really good way of describing what happened, though the obsessive part of it worries me. Does one really suddenly "get over" that sort of thing? Can you really go from talking to someone that much (even about professional things) to not talking to them and actually not miss them? :001_unsure:

 

He really doesn't seem to miss it. In my mind though, I don't see how he could possibly not miss her. :confused:

Here's what I wonder. Are you and your DH talking more openly now than before? In counseling, I assume (and hope!) that you're speaking openly and honestly to one another. About the business, family, fears, hurts? Guys don't necessarily need to talk as much as we do. They don't seem to need to talk through things ad nauseam. But they do need to talk some, and they definitely need to vent stress. If we're not hearing it, if they feel we're not open to it, if we shut them down when they express worry or (and this is a major biggie) if they see that sharing their own worries and insecurities makes us sad, upset, angry, scared, etc., they stop. DH would sooner drop dead of a coronary than give me stress. Ironically, him holding in stress and keeping his worries from me is far worse for me than sharing. Maybe that was what happened in your case? I don't know, of course. ETA: I am seriously not excusing him. And I am NOT blaming you. Don't even know if any of this applies at all. But circumstances happen, for better or worse.

 

I'm going to slide into speaking about myself here because I want to stop making generalities. DH got really upset with me once, seemingly out of the blue, about his feeling that I don't let him get upset. I was all :confused:. And then I realized he was right. When he came to me with negativity, I unwittingly shut him down by pointing out this or that positive thing. I was trying to make him feel better but he said it really just made him feel like he couldn't express negative thoughts. Truthfully, it made me sad if he was upset. Now, this is ironic because I feel the same way sometimes and I know it's typical of men to try to fix their wives' problems instead of just saying, "I know. It's rotten. Would you like some cookies, Sweetie?" :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, I still don't think that you are in any way to blame and I'm not excusing his actions, but my point here is that if your lines of communication are more open now than they were before he started talking to her then, yes, it's entirely possible that he doesn't miss that connection because he feels secure again (or still) in sharing his deep, dark stuff with you.

 

I am also going to say here that although I said I was furious on your behalf, I would not personally for one second have considered leaving the marriage if I were you. The happy years you have had, the kids, building your life life, your shared history, everything... It's not worth throwing away, literally or figuratively, in terms of divorce or emotional distance. Here is where "for better or for worse" arrives. And you can turn worse into better. You were injured and so it's natural to want to protect yourself, make changes that you feel will insulate you from future hurt. But if he says he's moved on, it is very likely that he has.

 

It's certainly not fair to you that you're being made to feel like some kind of healing dawdler. :glare: But maybe it would help you to see his moving on in terms of letting go of the idea of her.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Alte Veste Academy

[Negin]

This blog from a very good online friend of mine (and the comments) may be of help to so many of us. Her kids are now grown. She homeschooled them.

And this one, which I haven't read yet is said to be good also.

[Negin]

I don't for a minute think you are boring. That sounds like his projecting his issues onto you. You are a wonderful person. Don't listen to anything else! Maybe he needs the job outside the home.

:iagree:

[Negin]

I haven't tried taking any iron, but it probably wouldn't hurt for me to take a vitamin supplement of some kind. My complexion, which even in puberty remained "peaches & cream", has become a disaster of painful facial blemishes--as if I weren't wretched enough. :glare:

Julie, :grouphug:, as if you don't have enough to deal with already. I have posted a few times here with hair loss tips and I can post skin care ones also. I just didn't want to overwhelm and hijack this thread. Let me know if you'd like the links or the tips. I just think that it's very understandable to have skin and hair problems during this hell-ish time. All this really and truly sucks. I'm just so very sorry. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for and think of you. :grouphug:

[Negin]

I am furious for you. Just furious. .

Me too. Extremely furious. :glare:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug:Julie:grouphug:

 

I have read this thread as well as your others and I am furious for you. Just furious. And then it occurred to me that I haven't heard you sound furious. You sound hurt, of course. You, your marriage, your family have all been badly hurt. But you have also been wronged. You did no wrong!

 

Guess what. I am a pretty boring wife too. Well, my DH is about as boring as I am. We are boring. Sometimes we get frustrated with that and try to get more active or have people over or blah blah blah, but then we are just boring again. Surprise! That's life! Is your DH just the cat's pajamas? Does he read The Economist and is his nightstand stacked up with half the books from the best seller list? Does he have fulfilling, rewarding hobbies and spend hours upon hours imparting his skill and wisdom to the kids? Does he play in the local orchestra and volunteer at the food pantry? I am not saying he is not a good man, deep down, a good man who made a terrible mistake. And gosh, maybe he does all those things and more. Or maybe he is boring too. So he is bored. And he got himself some excitement and then, appropriately, felt deeply ashamed. But he is making another, equally terrible, mistake now and that is allowing you to feel in any way responsible for his terrible choice. So here I am, a stranger, pissed off for you. And I want you to love yourself enough to get pissed off too.

 

He is projecting his own feelings onto you. I am sure his self-esteem is in serious jeopardy right now as well because of the impending loss of your farm. That is huge. And men can be awful about taking out their frustration and fear on those around them. So may I suggest that when you are criticizing yourself and you can't get these sad and self-deprecating thoughts out of your head, replace them with some righteous indignation and then keep on moving until you can just dismiss the thoughts out of hand when they occur to you. See him as a wounded animal lashing out if you must. Literally visualize that if it helps. But also visualize yourself wrapped up in your own love.

 

ETA: If you are fully committed to taking on an interesting hobby, might I suggest a punching bag? :D So good for stress relief! I don't know how you feel about cursing but doing it extraordinarily loudly all alone is super rewarding too. I'm generally not a fan but sometimes...

:iagree::iagree::iagree:This is EXCELLENT, and her words are MUCH kinder than the ones I would have said. I will leave it at that because I don't want to hurt or anger you, and I also don't want to get banned.

 

Your husband is lucky you are putting up with him.

[Denisemomof4]

I love this response.

 

I am so sick of men making women feel like if they were just more this or more that then the man wouldn't have to cheat. Give me a break.

 

I give you credit for even trying to make it work. ANY effort from you no matter how small, he should be grateful. :glare:

 

I would have walked as soon as I found out.

 

 

.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:And I want to point out how hard it is to heal when the assaults keep coming. Maybe he doesn't want you to believe HE is the problem, which he CLEARLY is, so he keeps you in the place of fear, loneliness and hurt?

 

How DARE he put this on you.

 

Again, he is lucky you are still there.

[nono]

Boring. Snort! Like he's some anti-boring hunk? Please.

 

Get him off the pedestal, and start treating him like the person he is. It's very uncomfortable for men when they are lionized and know they don't deserve it.

 

Next opportunity that he's annoying hit him with a pillow. Or throw (something light, like a pillow) at his head. And then stare him down and say, "AM I BORING NOW?" Find random opportunities like this to get YOUR side out. Don't wait for permission. Just do it. And too bad about "how long it is taking." He started this mess. He needs to understand he doesn't get to determine when it is over. You do. That's the only way it is fair.

 

FTR, I wouldn't have left my dh over this type of thing either. No reason to consider breaking up a family everytime someone does something stupid. And, yeah, I'm sure you've done stupid things too. Not to the same level, but it isn't a contest, ya know? ;)

 

:grouphug:

 

Also, maybe you don't want the drug? Are any of your symptoms side effects of the particular one you are taking? Just a stray thought...

[Osmosis Mom]

You need to get your feelings out in the air. Like have a screaming fit or get really angry with him. Too many emotions bottled up. I know you have also been talking about your weight and it seems you have a low self-esteem -well, now is the time to reclaim your self and become the woman you are inside, emotionally speaking, not about the weight.

 

I agree that people make choices and that others cannot be blamed for those. If you were my girl friend in RL, then I would suggest you find something outside of him to satisfy you and give you a feeling of competence. Make him re-want to pursue you and treat you like his queen and appreciate you. Not sure if cooking at a nursing home for a minimum wage is going to be it (or a cause for burn out). I am also wondering why you have to carry the financial burden and be the catapult for how happy he is feeling?

 

You should go get a make-over. It will spill over into your heart. Get an interest or do something that will take you our of the zone of trying to please him and solving his problems and re-discover yourself. Even you mentioned you might consider moving form the place you have lived in since age 10......lots of status quo and a dh seemingly relying on you to carry the burden, yet, he chose to share his woes with someone with whom he had no strings attached. Seems he is really the one in a crisis, not you.

[Negin]

Rather than quoting everyone on this page - Denisemomof4, nono, and Alta Veste Academy ... just wanted to say that their words (and pretty much everything I've read on this thread) is gold and that I :iagree:.

 

You need to get your feelings out in the air. Like have a screaming fit or get really angry with him. Too many emotions bottled up.

Yes.

May I also add that I like Nono's idea of throwing a pillow. Seriously.

 

If you were my girl friend in RL, then I would suggest you find something outside of him to satisfy you and give you a feeling of competence.

This is absolutely key.

 

You should go get a make-over. It will spill over into your heart. Get an interest or do something that will take you our of the zone of trying to please him and solving his problems and re-discover yourself.

I agree with this. This sort of thing is essential - healthy eating, exercise, make overs, do things that make YOU feel good. Be selfish for a change. Not that it is selfish, but you KWIM. Sounds like you've been giving, giving, giving. It's your time now. There should be zero guilt. You deserve the best. :grouphug: There might be a beauty school or massage school near you that does services for cheap. You could treat yourself to a pedicure that shouldn't cost too much. You could get a make over at a department store for free. Treat yourself and talk to yourself as you would to your own daughter, to a dear friend. :grouphug:

 

Seems he is really the one in a crisis, not you.

Yep. :glare: :mad:

[jenbrdsly]

I saw this article in the paper today about how dairy farmers are really suffering, and it made me think of the OP. :crying:

 

:grouphug: