It is amazing how much family can hurt!

[dirty ethel rackham]

I shouldn't be shocked. But, I really didn't see this coming. Ever since my mom died, there has been some distance between me and my siblings. I know they thought of me as the granola oat square of the family, emphasis on "granola" because we are somewhat crunchy and "square" because we behave like adults around alcohol and believe in setting positive examples for our kids. Actually, I am super square because I don't drink (not opposed to social drinking, but it just isn't a good choice for me.)

 

Mom was always the glue that held the family together. Since she's been gone, I have been left out of so many things. Partly because I still have children at home and partly because of dh's family responsibilities with aging relatives. They have had Christmas without us (an out of town sibling hosted it.) Family members have come into town, visited one sibling, but not even called me.

 

I was terribly hurt when the only person in my family to acknowledge my son's graduation was my brother, despite everyone getting an invitation to his graduation party. For my nieces and nephews, I went to every birthday party, graduation party, sent cards for everything, etc. I put up with teasing ("can't you take a joke?") from siblings and and thinly veiled insults from inlaws in order to have relationships with my nieces and nephews. Ds didn't even get a phone call from his godmother, nor a note on facebook from any of my relatives. No one RSVP'd. But, I focused on enjoying the people who came.

 

Well, one niece is getting married this winter. We received an email notice about it a few months ago from my brother. One of my siblings actually called me to arrange for us all to use her time-share for the wedding. I had almost made the plane reservations, using up all of our credit card miles. Since then db, niece's father, has left his wife. They have had a marriage in name only for at least two decades and only stayed together for the kids and for financial reasons. She is one of the most unkind people I have ever met. For example, when my dad died and I broke down crying, she said that she didn't understand why everyone was so upset, since he was "old" (age 69.) Whenever she came to my house, she would insult my cleaning (Okay, so I didn't take a long q-tip to clean the insides of my cellular shades?!?!), my cooking (it was either too healthy, or not healthy enough or too much work, or I didn't put much effort into it, etc.) Many times, I wanted to tell her to walk out that door and don't let it hit her in the a$$ on the way out. But, I didn't. I smiled politely and moved on.

 

Now, I found out that we have not been invited to the wedding, but other siblings have been. Db is not paying for the wedding (he gave them a choice - pay for college or pay for a wedding) and STBXSIL and my niece didn't ask his input on anything. I feel like I was kicked in the gut. I have watched out for my brother when he drank too much and have driven him home (his wife never showed up when she could get away with it.) I got chewed out via facebook by her when I didn't do that after a family gathering. Geeze ... my brother is 58 years old. As much as I try to watch out for him, I have to leave when too much alcohol is flowing and things turn from PG rated to R. Where was she? Oh, and the family who were invited? My siblings who drink too much and think it is hilarious to be in their mid 50's and wasted. I wanted to go because I miss my nieces and nephews, most of them are in their mid-twenties and I don't see them since Mom is gone. I miss my siblings, despite our dysfunctional relationships.

 

I know I have to get over this, but it is really hard.

[Heather in WI]

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[mommaduck]

:grouphug: You have a good life and I'm betting on jealousy. It hurts, but that's because you care. YOU are a decent human being. Pray for your neice. Send her a card congratulating her on her upcoming nuptials. Send her a Christmas card. You never know, when she gets to the mothering stage, she just may think about things and realise who she really wants her kids around and who she wants to be more like. You have set a good example for both your children and for your neices and nephews.

 

Many Blessings to you, hon.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: I am so sorry you are hurting. :grouphug:

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I am sorry. Try to focus on your own wonderful immediate family if that helps.:grouphug:

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You don't have to get over it-it DOES hurt and what they did totally sucks and they should all be screamed at for being asshats.

 

Let it hurt and cry and then, just quietly close the door.

[justamouse]

:grouphug: You have a good life and I'm betting on jealousy. It hurts, but that's because you care. YOU are a decent human being. Pray for your neice. Send her a card congratulating her on her upcoming nuptials. Send her a Christmas card. You never know, when she gets to the mothering stage, she just may think about things and realise who she really wants her kids around and who she wants to be more like. You have set a good example for both your children and for your neices and nephews.

 

Many Blessings to you, hon.

 

:iagree:

[Tap]

:grouphug:

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Yes, and it doesn't get better until you are too old to care. :grouphug: We all wish decency in the world, and hope more than that for it in the family.

 

Look on the bright side: it isn't one of your CHILDREN not inviting you. That happens, too.

[justLisa]

Mean people suck.

 

I am sorry. Just cut them out. :grouphug:

[OLG]

:grouphug: Sometimes it seems like dysfunction is restricted to our family alone but it abounds. As PP suggested, reach out to your niece, keep in touch and forget about the others for now. Sounds like they are swimming in their own problems and probably it has never crossed their minds that they are neglecting you, you know?:grouphug:

[ma23peas]

Bad news is you've got a bag full of lemons...good news is you have had a lifetime of making lemonade so you are pretty good at it!! Much better to be in your state of mind than your brother's...can you imagine the life he has chosen?

 

I would make a point to find out where she is registered or think of something your mother would have sent to her...be that side of the family to do what your mother would have done..in time, those nieces/nephews may reach out and know they know your motivations are out of love. :grouphug:

[jrn]

:grouphug:

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, that bites!

[Merry]

...

[dirty ethel rackham]

Bad news is you've got a bag full of lemons...good news is you have had a lifetime of making lemonade so you are pretty good at it!! Much better to be in your state of mind than your brother's...can you imagine the life he has chosen?

Thanks for the lift. I can't blame my brother in all of this. He was the one who stuck it out in a loveless marriage - his biggest mistake was going through with the wedding when he had doubts. I could write pages and pages of crap he put up with. She chose to stay as well, preferring the financial comfort of his salary, rather than living within her own means. They have lived largely separate lives. He rarely complained. Instead, he doted on his children, being very involved in their lives and escaped into a bottle of gin on his own time. The non-invite was very the influence of my STBXSIL. And to think I thought I had earned her respect over the years. Db was shocked and dismayed when he found out.

 

I would make a point to find out where she is registered or think of something your mother would have sent to her...be that side of the family to do what your mother would have done..in time, those nieces/nephews may reach out and know they know your motivations are out of love. :grouphug:

 

Thanks so much for saying this. I totally forgot that I have several boxes of my mom's things that I was saving for wedding gifts. Should I be evil and send her the Capodimonte Rose that her mom gave my mom one Mothers' Day or should I give her something that was more meaningful to my mom? (Okay, the rose thing was a joke. STBXSIL had a thing for those, bought many off of HSC and gave them as gifts.)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Yes, and it doesn't get better until you are too old to care. :grouphug: We all wish decency in the world, and hope more than that for it in the family.

 

Look on the bright side: it isn't one of your CHILDREN not inviting you. That happens, too.

 

Thanks to all of you for reading and letting me vent. On the bolded, my children know better. I have a whole bunch of mother guilt I could heap upon them if they chose that path:D.

[mommaduck]

Honestly, I don't think it would be mean. Give her both what her mother gave her grandmother AND give her something that was wholly grandma's. You can even put in a note that the one was gifted to her grandmother by her mother and thus you thought that she might like to have it now, since grandma is gone. Also give her a bit of history on the other item.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

 

I have had similar experiences with family. They are happier without me, and it just hurts.

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[AStableBeginning]

:grouphug: You have a good life and I'm betting on jealousy. It hurts, but that's because you care. YOU are a decent human being. Pray for your neice. Send her a card congratulating her on her upcoming nuptials. Send her a Christmas card. You never know, when she gets to the mothering stage, she just may think about things and realise who she really wants her kids around and who she wants to be more like. You have set a good example for both your children and for your neices and nephews.

 

Many Blessings to you, hon.

 

:iagree::grouphug::grouphug:

[CatMomof3]

All I can say is :grouphug::grouphug:

[Samiam]

I would try to be the better person and send a gift to the niece.

 

As a "child" growing up in a family of aunts and uncles who all had issues amongst themselves, that I didn't really understand, I missed out on relationships with my aunts and uncles. I knew them when I was younger, knew them well enough to love them and like them, but around age 9-10 that is when the family bickering began for whatever reason. We lived spread out in the mid-west, so if people didn't make the effort to see each other, then we didn't.

 

So there were several years that I had little extended family. Then I became a self-absorbed young twenty-something and thought mainly of myself, and my immediate life. Even for milestones for me during that time period, wedding (albeit small); first born child, I didn't really reach out to my aunts/uncles to share my life because they weren't really part of my immediate life,and they never reached out to me. There wasn't hard feelings on my part, simple a "don't really think about them much".

 

Now in my mid-thirties, having created my own little family, and saw some of my aunts and uncles a large family reunion, I realize that I miss them! I remembered how much I liked them! I wish I had stayed in closer contact with them.

 

My point is here, that if I were in your shoes, I would extend yourself kindly and graciously to your neice, without regard to your exSIL. Don't play her game and send a gift that spites. Send a gift with love and kindness.

 

As your niece matures, perhaps she will realize that regardless of what her mother thinks, you are actually a very kind aunt! If you do the right thing, she can only look back and see that.

[athomemom]

:grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

[besroma]

:grouphug: I am sorry this is happening.

[QueenCat]

:grouphug:Ellen:grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

Well, there is some good news and some bad news. The good news is that our family has not been singled out. Several other siblings didn't make the cut. None of my sisters were invited. The bad news. Apparently, only those dear niece is in contact with are invited. But, she didn't mention that she never responded to the facebook friend request of anyone in my family, nor did she give me her address when I asked her, nor did she acknowledge the graduation gift I gave her through her dad when she graduated from PA school. Whenever she posts pics with her mom or dad in them, I usually make a nice comment. She invited several of my sister's adult children (her cousins), but not my sister. My brother is fuming mad. I am sure my uninvited sister who's children are invited is having a tantrum.

 

This is just so puzzling. She has always been such a nice girl and has often called her mother out on her bad behavior. I am the only family member who has always been civil to STBXSIL despite the times I wanted to chew her out. She reached out to me about my brother's drinking, but, when I refused to treat him like one of my children, she tried to guilt trip me.

[Denisemomof4]

Families are tough. I am so sorry for your hurting heart.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[KnitWit]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry.

[kalanamak]

My brother is fuming mad. I am sure my uninvited sister who's children are invited is having a tantrum.

 

Is it possible she is having a small wedding with just "friends". Some young people forget that friends move on, and family often doesn't, and even the "uncool ones" become more interesting as you mature.

[Merry]

Is it possible she is having a small wedding with just "friends". Some young people forget that friends move on, and family often doesn't, and even the "uncool ones" become more interesting as you mature.

 

That's entirely possible what Klanamak said about "friends". When my ds got married last summer, the photographer took hundreds of pictures of him, his bride, and his friends and almost none of his family members. There is only one picture of my husband and me, none of ourselves with our son and bride, and one group picture. When I brought it up with him later, he did not understand why we were upset. Friends were more important to him. It's different now but maybe that's part of what your niece is going through now but after she's married, family will become more important to her.

 

ETA: Never mind what I said above. After reading the later posts, I realize my post doesn't apply to your situation. Sorry about the whole thing.

Edited July 12, 2012 by Merry

[Lizzie in Ma]

I am so sorry. That is just so wrong. :grouphug::grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

It is a smaller wedding (the size I wanted ours to be.) The whole family is shocked. It's just not how weddings have been done in our family, where family came first ... children were welcome ... even infant nieces and nephews took precedence over friends. But it is also very clear that it is about my SIL getting back at my brother. When I've seen my niece over the years, she never treated us like the uncool ones, unlike some of my other nieces and nephews. I have always made an effort to have a relationship with her (and all of my relatives.) After we found out who was and was not invited, my original "uncool" concerns have disipated and have been replaced with just plain hurt that my SIL would use a wedding to get back at my brother. I know that all of my SIL's family are invited.

 

The only positive things I can say is that my sisters are actually united in something <wry smile> and I didn't blow all of our frequent flier miles on tickets.

[mommaduck]

Your brother needs to sit down and have a long talk with his daughter. He's the only one that can point these thing out to her. You can just be supportive of him and love her from a distance for the moment.

[Hope44]

I shouldn't be shocked. But, I really didn't see this coming. Ever since my mom died, there has been some distance between me and my siblings. I know they thought of me as the granola oat square of the family, emphasis on "granola" because we are somewhat crunchy and "square" because we behave like adults around alcohol and believe in setting positive examples for our kids. Actually, I am super square because I don't drink (not opposed to social drinking, but it just isn't a good <a class="inlineAdmedialink" href="#">choice</a> for me.)

 

Mom was always the glue that held the family together. Since she's been gone, I have been left out of so many things. Partly because I still have children at home and partly because of dh's family responsibilities with aging relatives. They have had Christmas without us (an out of town sibling hosted it.) Family members have come into town, visited one sibling, but not even called me.

 

I was terribly hurt when the only person in my family to acknowledge my son's <a class="inlineAdmedialink" href="#">graduation</a> was my brother, despite everyone getting an invitation to his graduation party. For my nieces and nephews, I went to every birthday party, graduation party, sent cards for everything, etc. I put up with teasing ("can't you take a joke?") from siblings and and thinly veiled insults from inlaws in order to have relationships with my nieces and nephews. Ds didn't even get a phone call from his godmother, nor a note on <a class="inlineAdmedialink" href="#">facebook</a> from any of my relatives. No one RSVP'd. But, I focused on enjoying the people who came.

 

Well, one niece is getting married this winter. We received an email notice about it a few months ago from my brother. One of my siblings actually called me to arrange for us all to use her time-share for the wedding. I had almost made the plane reservations, using up all of our credit card miles. Since then db, niece's father, has left his wife. They have had a marriage in name only for at least two decades and only stayed together for the kids and for financial reasons. She is one of the most unkind people I have ever met. For example, when my dad died and I broke down crying, she said that she didn't understand why everyone was so upset, since he was "old" (age 69.) Whenever she came to my house, she would insult my cleaning (Okay, so I didn't take a long q-tip to clean the insides of my cellular shades?!?!), my cooking (it was either too healthy, or not healthy enough or too much work, or I didn't put much effort into it, etc.) Many times, I wanted to tell her to walk out that door and don't let it hit her in the a$$ on the way out. But, I didn't. I smiled politely and moved on.

 

Now, I found out that we have not been invited to the wedding, but other siblings have been. Db is not paying for the wedding (he gave them a choice - pay for college or pay for a wedding) and STBXSIL and my niece didn't ask his input on anything. I feel like I was kicked in the gut. I have watched out for my brother when he drank too much and have driven him home (his wife never showed up when she could get away with it.) I got chewed out via facebook by her when I didn't do that after a family gathering. Geeze ... my brother is 58 years old. As much as I try to watch out for him, I have to leave when too much alcohol is flowing and things turn from PG rated to R. Where was she? Oh, and the family who were invited? My siblings who drink too much and think it is hilarious to be in their mid 50's and wasted. I wanted to go because I miss my nieces and nephews, most of them are in their mid-twenties and I don't see them since Mom is gone. I miss my siblings, despite our dysfunctional relationships.

 

I know I have to get over this, but it is really hard.

 

Haven't read all of the replies, but here goes.

 

Hugs and I have to ask after reading the part about showing up for your brother and driving him when he was drunk, have you ever joined a support group for loved ones of alcoholics like al-anon? What you have described going on in your extended family is the loooooong tentacles of alcoholism. It has been going on for generations in my family.

 

My father is 85 years old, caring for my 81 year old mother with dementia. He is abusive. He is violent. He is an alcoholic and he is enabled by four of my siblings. Last year, he shot a gun in my brother's house when he was drunk and angry. He was mad at her. Guess what? Due to the nuttiness that comes with enabling addicts, she was taken back to him eleven days after he did this by my very own brother and sister who were in the house when he shot the gun off. Yep. That brother is also an alcoholic. That sister won't even let alcohol into her home, but she is so much blinded by her own enabling and the facade that comes with the lies alcoholism creates, she ENDORSES my dad's behavior even though she says she "hates" alcohol.

 

There are some incredible websites, books, groups, that can help. I truly believe alcoholism is the driving dynamic in your situation with your siblings. Believe me, I've been there done that. There are different "cliques" within my siblings too. It is sick and it is wrong what is happening to you, but know that there isn't a "magical" sentence you can tell them that will open their eyes.

 

So sorry you're going through this.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I know that much of my family has alcohol abuse problems. My brother is a functional alcoholic (never missed a minute of work or a family responsibility due to drinking.) Many other family members are party drunks. My dad was a functional alcoholic. In my early twenties, I was on my way there with them, but had a wake up call when I sunk into a deep depression. Dealing with depression made me rethink alcohol use, which is primarily why I don't drink at all. I've given up being the conscious for the group seeing that I didn't have much support, although a handful of people expressed concern to me privately. I choose to participate in activities with them where alcohol use in minimal. When things start progressing to frat party level, we leave. That is the only way I have been able to have relationships with any of them. Funny how the frat-party level of drinking didn't happen until most of their children were older. Most of my family is much older than me and they have adult children. My younger sister and I are the only ones with children still dependent on us. But she and I aren't very close due to her uber-competitive nature.

[Hope44]

Isn't it interesting with an alcoholic parent, it wreaks havoc with the children, even as they become adults? It doesn't surprise me you have a competitive sibling (and I'm positive it is uber competitive). So much insecurity and mistrust as we grow up with an alcoholic parent stifles maturing past the sibling rivalry stage. ALL of my enabling siblings (and there is only one other sibling who refuses to enable) are stuck at a maturity level of about age twelve. They are jealous, "surfacy," competitive (even as I try to disarm them and give them nothing to compete with). I have learned that my relationships with them will have to remain guarded until they come to reality that a) Dad is a violent, abusive, alcoholic and not a "hero" b) They have participated knowingly and unknowingly in enabling his addiction c) There are others in the family (several siblings) with addiction problems and now some of their adult children are ALSO alcoholics.

 

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I will be praying for you. Inevitably, I have found the toxic behavior of family members reaches a high point during funerals and weddings within the family.

[fairfarmhand]

:grouphug: You have a good life and I'm betting on jealousy. It hurts, but that's because you care. YOU are a decent human being. Pray for your neice. Send her a card congratulating her on her upcoming nuptials. Send her a Christmas card. You never know, when she gets to the mothering stage, she just may think about things and realise who she really wants her kids around and who she wants to be more like. You have set a good example for both your children and for your neices and nephews.

 

Many Blessings to you, hon.

:iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

Well, there is some good news and some bad news. The good news is that our family has not been singled out. Several other siblings didn't make the cut. None of my sisters were invited. The bad news. Apparently, only those dear niece is in contact with are invited. But, she didn't mention that she never responded to the facebook friend request of anyone in my family, nor did she give me her address when I asked her, nor did she acknowledge the graduation gift I gave her through her dad when she graduated from PA school. Whenever she posts pics with her mom or dad in them, I usually make a nice comment. She invited several of my sister's adult children (her cousins), but not my sister. My brother is fuming mad. I am sure my uninvited sister who's children are invited is having a tantrum.

 

This is just so puzzling. She has always been such a nice girl and has often called her mother out on her bad behavior. I am the only family member who has always been civil to STBXSIL despite the times I wanted to chew her out. She reached out to me about my brother's drinking, but, when I refused to treat him like one of my children, she tried to guilt trip me.

 

This looks to me like a very clumsy attempt to restrict the guest list to save money. Just a thought.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Ellen:grouphug: