Funeral/Interment question

[Ginevra]

I saw some of the Duggar episode where they had the funeral for baby Jubilee. At the interment, they threw shovels-full of dirt on the casket/vault. I find that shocking. I have never seen this ritual at other funerals and we did not do this at my baby's funeral. The funerals I have been to have always had the casket above the gravesite and do not lower or bury it until everyone has left. Throwing dirt on my baby's casket would (it seems) have been literally impossible. There's already a powerful urge to not leave your baby somewhere without you.

 

What is your experience? Is this the tradition where you're from?

 

I'm going to go ahead and make this a poll, so it's easier to see the results.

[FaithManor]

Hmmm...I've seen it done this way but never for a funeral of someone I knew super well so I don't know if it could be a religious belief, ethnic tradition, etc. I have not seen it done often.

 

Faith

[Heather in Neverland]

It is not only VERY traditional with my family in the south, it is ONLY the family who buries the body. In fact, it is the family that "dresses" the body before the funeral.

 

When my grandmother died her daughters dressed her, did her hair and makeup and all of her sons and grandsons buried the casket in their shirts and ties while the entire crowd watched and sang hymns. It was very meaningful.

 

I can't imagine walking away from the casket as it still sat there out in the open... We bury our own.

[DawnM]

I have been to Jewish funerals where they did this. There is something powerful about physically bringing closure to death that I saw in the ashes to ashes, dust to dust ritual.

[Guest]

It is not only VERY traditional with my family in the south, it is ONLY the family who buries the body. In fact, it is the family that "dresses" the body before the funeral.

 

When my grandmother died her daughters dressed her, did her hair and makeup and all of her sons and grandsons buried the casket in their shirts and ties while the entire crowd watched and sang hymns. It was very meaningful.

 

I can't imagine walking away from the casket as it still sat there out in the open... We bury our own.

 

Fascinating. That is total news to me!

[Karen in CO]

It is not only VERY traditional with my family in the south, it is ONLY the family who buries the body. In fact, it is the family that "dresses" the body before the funeral.

 

When my grandmother died her daughters dressed her, did her hair and makeup and all of her sons and grandsons buried the casket in their shirts and ties while the entire crowd watched and sang hymns. It was very meaningful.

 

I can't imagine walking away from the casket as it still sat there out in the open... We bury our own.

 

Yes, This. Ashes to Ashes and Dust to Dust. Every family funeral I've been to includes the family lowering the body.

[tabrizia]

I have been to Jewish funerals where they did this. There is something powerful about physically bringing closure to death that I saw in the ashes to ashes, dust to dust ritual.

 

It is traditional for family to throw a shovel of dirt over the casket after it has been lowered in Jewish funerals. When my Grandfather died everyone related did so, even my at the time 2 year old son with help, my 1 month old daughter didn't, but if she had been older she would have with help.

 

I have been to Christian funerals where this was not done. And in the Hindu tradition the body is cremated so it doesn't happen there either.

[Sara in AZ]

My FIL was recently buried in a very large VA cemetary. The grave dedication was held at a special ramada. Then the hearse drove away to take the casket to the actual burial plot. I didn't even know where the grave was until we visited last week on Memorial Day.

[JennyD]

Yes. This is fairly standard at Jewish funerals. And it is very hard, although also quite meaningful.

 

I also once attended a Japanese cremation at the end of which the still-smoldering ashes were set out in a shallow box and all of the mourners used chopsticks to pick up shards of bone and put them in an urn. To say that I was taken aback would be an understatement.

 

OP, I'm so incredibly sorry about your baby.

[Guest]

Yes. This is fairly standard at Jewish funerals. And it is very hard, although also quite meaningful.

 

I also once attended a Japanese cremation at the end of which the still-smoldering ashes were set out in a shallow box and all of the mourners used chopsticks to pick up shards of bone and put them in an urn. To say that I was taken aback would be an understatement.

 

OP, I'm so incredibly sorry about your baby.

 

Oh my! That's...different. :tongue_smilie:

 

And thank you, for your kind sentiment.

[Mothersweets]

I've only seen dirt thrown onto the coffin in movies/tv. IRL, never.

[KrissiK]

I've never seen the casket lowered. Only on tv. And funerals are changing around here. Only about half the funerals I've been to in recent years have had the coffin present, and then it was always closed. I haven't seen an open casket funeral since my grandma died 20 years ago. Around here, funerals are tending toward a private graveside service first, and then a larger memorial service at the church with a meal after that. Recently we attended a memorial service that was 1 1/2 hours long but it was great. The man who passed away was youngish (62) and the memorial was upbeat, lots of stories, laughter, etc.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I've got quite a diverse background so I have been to various types of funerals. I have seen the coffin lowered and dirt added. It gave a sense of closure.

 

On a side note. When I hear of someone's funeral I have a hard time accepting that they are deceased. When I attend a funeral it helps me, personally. Watching the body lowered adds to that reassurance.

[momtoamiracle]

I'm in the south and we never do this.

 

 

the casket is left and buried after everyone leaves.

 

 

 

I myself prefer cremation and have a memorial service...

 

 

I find funerals barbaric.

[Kathryn]

It is not only VERY traditional with my family in the south, it is ONLY the family who buries the body. In fact, it is the family that "dresses" the body before the funeral.

 

When my grandmother died her daughters dressed her, did her hair and makeup and all of her sons and grandsons buried the casket in their shirts and ties while the entire crowd watched and sang hymns. It was very meaningful.

 

I can't imagine walking away from the casket as it still sat there out in the open... We bury our own.

 

I had to check your picture to see if you were one of my DH's many cousins. His grandmother died in January and this is exactly how it went. Exactly.

[MamaT]

It is not only VERY traditional with my family in the south, it is ONLY the family who buries the body. In fact, it is the family that "dresses" the body before the funeral.

 

When my grandmother died her daughters dressed her, did her hair and makeup and all of her sons and grandsons buried the casket in their shirts and ties while the entire crowd watched and sang hymns. It was very meaningful.

 

I can't imagine walking away from the casket as it still sat there out in the open... We bury our own.

 

I am also from the south, and that is how my grandmother was buried. It think it is being done less and less these days. I did not watch my parents being lowered. That was done after we left the gravesite.

[kricau]

Well, I have a shocker for you. I live in the "way deep" south, where funeral plots are usually disturbed by rising water :( So most of the "final resting places" are above ground, think mausoleum. And at my grandpa's funeral they did not actually bury him in the ground. They put his remains in with my aunt who had died 30 years ago. But only after they did the "fake" funeral where we all threw flowers on the casket. That was the only funeral I remember attending.

 

I think the throwing dirt on the casket is to symbolize you "burying" the person. Like closure.

[annlaura]

I just got back from my grandmother's funeral. I was surprised the casket wasn't lowered while we were there. The few other funerals I've been to, the casket was lowered and family tossed in flowers.

[Dobela]

I live in Arkansas, and have family here, along the Missouri border, and in Western Tennessee. I have seen both done, and it depends on the family how it is done. As recently as the 1970s my dad was helping take turns sitting with the dead in family homes because most people he knew simply could not afford to have a visitation service at the funeral home.

 

When my grandmother died in 2009, we didn't stay to watch her casket being lowered but instead stopped by the grave of one of my cousins several rows away. The cemetery staff thought we were gone and began to lower her casket and then use backhoes to shovel the dirt back in. My ds was 9 and happened to see this from afar. He has had lots of experience helping my dad drive his backhoe and looked at my dad (whose mother was being buried) and said, "Why didn't you let me do that? It would have been an honor to bury her body for you."

[Mom23Boys]

I live in Louisiana and have never seen the casket lowered. At the conclusion of the graveyard service, the pallbearers take off their boutonnière and place it on the casket while filing by (an arrangement of flowers is already on top of the casket). The funeral is then over and people leave. The funeral home comes later and lowers the casket.

[mommaduck]

It is not only VERY traditional with my family in the south, it is ONLY the family who buries the body. In fact, it is the family that "dresses" the body before the funeral.

 

When my grandmother died her daughters dressed her, did her hair and makeup and all of her sons and grandsons buried the casket in their shirts and ties while the entire crowd watched and sang hymns. It was very meaningful.

 

I can't imagine walking away from the casket as it still sat there out in the open... We bury our own.

:iagree:It's a very old tradition.

 

Now, I had no idea the Duggars lost a child?! Someone fill me in?

[Guest]

I've got quite a diverse background so I have been to various types of funerals. I have seen the coffin lowered and dirt added. It gave a sense of closure.

 

On a side note. When I hear of someone's funeral I have a hard time accepting that they are deceased. When I attend a funeral it helps me, personally. Watching the body lowered adds to that reassurance.

 

Funerals do help me, personally, to really believe they have died. I did not get to attend my grandfather's funeral (I was 11). I believe my family thought they were sparing me the grief, but I resented it for a long time. I did not have a sense of reality that he was gone.

 

:iagree:It's a very old tradition.

 

Now, I had no idea the Duggars lost a child?! Someone fill me in?

 

Michelle's 20th baby died in utero, around the 20th week. They named her Jubilee. I think Jubilee Shalom. They filmed the funeral, which I have my own opinions about, but there you go.

[mommaduck]

Funerals do help me, personally, to really believe they have died. I did not get to attend my grandfather's funeral (I was 11). I believe my family thought they were sparing me the grief, but I resented it for a long time. I did not have a sense of reality that he was gone.

 

 

 

Michelle's 20th baby died in utero, around the 20th week. They named her Jubilee. I think Jubilee Shalom. They filmed the funeral, which I have my own opinions about, but there you go.

We also had a stillborn at that stage. We were offered to either have a private ceremony if we asked a relative to use the foot of the grave of a relation or the hospital (Catholic) could hold onto the body and every three months such young stillborns were buried together with a ceremony. We went with the mass burial. A Baptist minister and an Eastern Orthodox priest oversaw the burials. There were many couples there. We had our family, several extended family members, and our minister there. The hospital also took pictures (not near as nice as the Duggar pictures). They are hidden away as they don't look very pretty due to the flash that was used. Gray pictures are definitely preferable with one that young. The next child carries Jubilee as a middle name.

Edited June 3, 2012 by mommaduck

[milovany]

I haven't actually been to a lot of funerals but the ones I've been to in the last couple of years have included having those in attendance putting shovelfuls of dirt on the casket that's down in the ground. It's the tradition in the Eastern Orthodox church.

[pfamilygal]

We also had a stillborn at that stage. We were offered to either have a private ceremony if we asked a relative to use the foot of the grave of a relation or the hospital (Catholic) could hold onto the body and every three months such young stillborns were buried together with a ceremony. We went with the mass burial. A Baptist minister and an Eastern Orthodox priest oversaw the burials. There were many couples there. We had our family, several extended family members, and our minister there. The hospital also took pictures (not near as nice as the Duggar pictures). They are hidden away as they don't look very pretty due to the flash that was used. Gray pictures are definitely preferable with one that young. The next child carries Jubilee as a middle name.

 

The next Duggar child? There isn't one. Jubilee was her latest pregnancy.

[Melissa in Australia]

Every funeral I have been to the coffin has been lowered during the ceremony, and the immediate family throws a small amount of dirt into the grave. Lots of people throw flowers in as well. If it is a mason, they through evergreen twigs ( no idea why). The complete filling in of dirt is completed after the funeral is finished when no one is around. I think they use machinery for that part.

[LucyStoner]

We usually have cremations in my family now that they are allowed by the church that most of my family belongs to. The urn is in a vault and then lowered into the ground as part of the graveside service. We generally throw flowers over the vault one it is in the ground. Then dirt. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Then we usually have a wake, with a lot of food and alcohol.

 

When we lost our last baby to unexplained fetal death, I chose to miscarry at home and we placed the baby in a small burial container provided by the cemetary. We wrapped the container in a homemade quilt. At the cemetary we knelt down and placed the quilt wrapped container ourselves. The few people there tossed in flowers at the end of the service and my husband and I filled the hole completely. For me it was nice to do it ourselves. It was just immediate family and we went home and ate a quiet meal.

 

I personally think that however someone deals with or processes the grief of a child is up to them and people should give a wide berth for family rituals that surround that process. I can't imagine putting that up on TV but if that is what works for them, fine.

Edited June 3, 2012 by kijipt

[momtoamiracle]

Well, I have a shocker for you. I live in the "way deep" south, where funeral plots are usually disturbed by rising water :( So most of the "final resting places" are above ground, think mausoleum. And at my grandpa's funeral they did not actually bury him in the ground. They put his remains in with my aunt who had died 30 years ago. But only after they did the "fake" funeral where we all threw flowers on the casket. That was the only funeral I remember attending.

 

I think the throwing dirt on the casket is to symbolize you "burying" the person. Like closure.

 

 

yes those are all over where I live in Louisiana.

[Liz CA]

In the old European tradition, the graveside service was conducted, people sang, then the dreaded moment came when the casket was lowered. Always, the most difficult time for everyone and then the closest family first, throws a shovel full of dirt or later, when I was older, I observed that they often just picked up a little dirt and let it fall in on the casket. Always, flowers were dropped in as well.

This sounds very similar to what others described as Jewish tradition but my observations were not Jewish funerals but all either catholic or protestant.

 

I know this seems extra painful but perhaps it was also a visual reminder of the end of earthly life.

Edited June 3, 2012 by Liz CA

[Mimm]

I've never seen it done in person, but I think I saw it in a movie or a book or something. I thought it was a beautiful and meaningful gesture. I seem to remember it being lowered and people threw hand fulls of dirt and flowers.

 

ETA: Whoops, didn't read the post above me. :) I guess I was remembering correctly.

[eloquacious]

If you see funerals in movies/shows set in the past, they almost always show this. We did it in Germany, as well as throwing roses. I was quite shocked when I attended my first U.S. funeral. In addition to being open casket (that was news to me!) they left the body above ground. I thought..."why are we even here? I thought it was to bury ____, not leave before the burying is done?"

 

ETA: It would seem to me that leaving the body aboveground is a newish thing, intended to make things easier. To me, I think it would make it harder... less final.

Edited June 3, 2012 by eloquacious

[eloquacious]

. My ds was 9 and happened to see this from afar. He has had lots of experience helping my dad drive his backhoe and looked at my dad (whose mother was being buried) and said, "Why didn't you let me do that? It would have been an honor to bury her body for you."

 

That is the sweetest thing.... and such depth from a 9 year-old!

[sewingmama]

Every funeral I've ever been to in Australia regardless of religious beliefs they have always lowered the coffin while everyone was there. I've never seen the dirt throwing thing -what normally happens here is that they lower the coffin and people can walk past and throw flowers on it if they want.

 

I couldn't throw the dirt -that would be just too much for me -but I could see how it would bring closure to some people. I think throwing the flowers symbolises the same thing but just in a more gentle way.

 

We generally don't have caskets here (way too expensive) we use coffins (smaller and cheaper) so there are usually a set of straps under the coffin and two men use the straps to lower it.

[higginszoo]

I've seen it both ways. In my family, we usually bring the casket (or now urn as cremation becomes more popular) to the gravesite, but the actual burial is later. To me, this makes sense, especially given the burial style that is used in New Orleans, where my family is from. The same raised gravesite holds many, many people. I believe the first person to be buried there was my grandmother's oldest, stillborn brother. He has been followed by his siblings (there were 5 more, including one with the same name who died in his 20s), some of their spouses, and at least one nephew (my stillborn uncle). The space is about 3 coffin widths wide, but I would estimate that there have been 15 people buried there. Because of this, as they dig in to make space, it's not uncommon to come across other remains, which wouldn't be something the family would probably want to see. The same with other branches of the family in crypts -- bringing the casket to the crypt is enough for most people, as there are other coffins already in there. I do remember peeking in when my other grandfather was buried, but that crypt only contains my grandfather and his parents.

[TranquilMind]

I saw some of the Duggar episode where they had the funeral for baby Jubilee. At the interment, they threw shovels-full of dirt on the casket/vault. I find that shocking. I have never seen this ritual at other funerals and we did not do this at my baby's funeral. The funerals I have been to have always had the casket above the gravesite and do not lower or bury it until everyone has left. Throwing dirt on my baby's casket would (it seems) have been literally impossible. There's already a powerful urge to not leave your baby somewhere without you.

 

What is your experience? Is this the tradition where you're from?

 

I'm going to go ahead and make this a poll, so it's easier to see the results.

It's an old custom. Dust to dust kind of thing. The body is just the shell, anyway.

 

But I do see your point.

[Mommyfaithe]

I saw some of the Duggar episode where they had the funeral for baby Jubilee. At the interment, they threw shovels-full of dirt on the casket/vault. I find that shocking. I have never seen this ritual at other funerals and we did not do this at my baby's funeral. The funerals I have been to have always had the casket above the gravesite and do not lower or bury it until everyone has left. Throwing dirt on my baby's casket would (it seems) have been literally impossible. There's already a powerful urge to not leave your baby somewhere without you.

 

What is your experience? Is this the tradition where you're from?

 

I'm going to go ahead and make this a poll, so it's easier to see the results.

 

We do this in the Jewish religion. It took every ounce of my being to heap the earth onto my father and my mother. It was also closure. It is what we do.....

[Guest]

The next Duggar child? There isn't one. Jubilee was her latest pregnancy.

 

I think Mommaduck meant that her next baby, after her baby who was stillborn, also has the name Jubilee.

 

I'm Jewish, and we take very seriously the mitzva of burying the dead. It is an act of love and respect - and it is physically done by the mourners and others attending the funeral. We take turns shoveling until the grave is filled in.

 

 

It is an act of service, of honor, of caring.... it is called the ultimate chesed... one you know the person you are giving to can never return...

 

It's funny how strong cultural programming is... I find the idea of leaving a loved one for strangers to bury deeply disturbing.

 

..it feels incomplete, like leaving a wedding before the marriage ceremony has occurred... no, deeper than that if it is my loved one...

 

I hadn't realized until you asked how strongly I feel about this, how deeply ingrained my culture is in my heart and psyche.

 

It is interesting. When I saw it on TV, I assumed this was a ritual that was different from my own experience. It's just that to me it seems horrible in a way to literally participate in the burial. I don't think I could have done it; I feel like I would have done something insane. :tongue_smilie:

[Slartibartfast]

In my family the immediate family usually leaves before the casket is lowered but someone further removed from the deceased will stay and wait until they bury the casket.

 

Someone always stays.

Edited June 4, 2012 by Sis

[PentecostalMom]

It is not only VERY traditional with my family in the south, it is ONLY the family who buries the body. In fact, it is the family that "dresses" the body before the funeral.

 

When my grandmother died her daughters dressed her, did her hair and makeup and all of her sons and grandsons buried the casket in their shirts and ties while the entire crowd watched and sang hymns. It was very meaningful.

 

I can't imagine walking away from the casket as it still sat there out in the open... We bury our own.

 

:iagree: This.

[BigMamaBird]

I have been to graveside services where the casket is not lowered until after the mourners have left and I have been to one where the daughter requested for them to lower her Mother during the service. The one for my Great Aunt, where they actually lowered the casket into the grave, was a bit more final feeling. I'd never seen it done before and I'll admit, it was a bit unsettling to me. You could tell the cemetary workers were stressed about it too. The lowering mechanism was being troublesome and there was a moment where the casket got off kilter.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

I have not been to many funerals, but they did lower the casket at my grandmother's funeral. I can't remember if anyone threw shovels of dirt on the casket, though.

[mommaduck]

I think Mommaduck meant that her next baby, after her baby who was stillborn, also has the name Jubilee.

 

 

 

 

yes, my own next child after our stillborn.

Edited June 4, 2012 by mommaduck

[Lacie]

In my experiences, most people left before the casket was lowered. But close family stayed behind until all the dirt was covered. We would watch them lower it, throw on dirt or flowers if wanted. Then they finish putting dirt in the grave. Usually some of those who left early prepared a meal for the family to have after they were done.

[nono]

 

I attended a Hindu funeral and everyone showered the body with flowers. The immediate family rolled the body down the center aisle and out of the room. We were told by friends that the family escorts the body to the cremation door.

 

Exactly the same for my dh's grandmother (Buddhist / Taoist) . Btw, in our case escorting included standing vigil while the casket (not coffin) was fed into the fire.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

I haven't seen it at any funerals IRL that I have attended.....but I HAVE seen it on television......

[dsmith]

I remember as a child the casket being lowered, and mourners throwing a handful of dirt or flowers onto the casket. At my grandmother's funeral, about 20 years ago now, the casket was partially lowered and everyone tossed flowers onto the casket. My father was laid to rest in a VA hospital, so we had to leave the casket in the chapel. It was very difficult to do. My mother was laid to rest this September with my father, and we also had to leave the casket in the chapel. I had to keep going back in, it was so hard to leave. I cannot tell you how disturbing it was to see the van pull up while we were still there, and the workers slide the coffin in roughly, and hearing it bang loudly into the van. I can still hear it clearly in my memory.

[Lucy in Australia]

It is not only VERY traditional with my family in the south, it is ONLY the family who buries the body. In fact, it is the family that "dresses" the body before the funeral.

 

When my grandmother died her daughters dressed her, did her hair and makeup and all of her sons and grandsons buried the casket in their shirts and ties while the entire crowd watched and sang hymns. It was very meaningful.

 

I can't imagine walking away from the casket as it still sat there out in the open... We bury our own.

 

This is us, too (except that we're not from the south - we're Australian Baptists with Russian roots :))

[Georgiana Daniels]

It depends....

 

The more "traditional" funerals I've been to (for the Native American side of the family) the men bury the family member. Some funerals in town we each sprinkle a handful of dirt. I think the preference of the family is paramount.