Would you marry a man you would never love if...

[Dealea86]

Assuming there weren't any other reasons to not marry him (for example, I have a very clear idea in my mind what 'decent' means, and part of that would include him being of my religion, which would give him certain ideas about a marriage commitment), then yes I think I could.

 

For our premarital counseling, DH and I read His Needs, Her Needs. It's a great marriage book, but its main focus is affair-proofing your marriage. One of the main points I took away from the book is that many people become attracted to the person they spend the most time with. I think DH was a great example of that. When I first met him, I wanted nothing to do with him. I thought we were nothing alike, he was too wild and crazy for my tastes, and I didn't even find him attractive. And yet, over time that opinion changed. How much more so would that happen when two decent people are trying to make a marriage work?

 

Of course, the OP said someone you could never love, but I just don't believe that. If he really is a decent man, I think I could learn to love him.

 

"Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." -C.S. Lewis

 

I think if I had to pick, I'd pick Friendship over Eros.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I think marriage is hard enough with the man I love to pieces.

 

 

:iagree: Exactly. There is NO WAY I would ever marry a man I didn't love. I would rather be dirt poor with somebody I love than wealthy with somebody I don't love.

[FaithManor]

Well, believe it or not, it is harder on the man to not be loved than the wife to not be in love. I've heard this over and over from the older generation in my family that had "pragmatic" marriages.

 

My grandfather REEEEEEAAAAALLLY wanted to marry my grandmother. He was 7 years older and frankly, a catch. My great-grandmother was certain he was the right man for my grandmother. She had met him, went on a few dates, and determined that she was not interested. Her parents, very strict, very much of the mindset that girls marry straight out of school, settle down, and become respectable mothers, were mortified that she had rejected him as well as other suitors and had plans to attend college. They told her she could marry him or be thrown out of the house and disowned. Without any financial support and her relatives unwilling to take her in and stand up to her folks, she had no choice. She never said her vows and yet the magistrate signed the license.

 

My grandfather was ecstatic. He just knew that it wouldn't take her long to fall in love with him. He was handsome, had a business, was a truly lovely, amiable person, and adored her. Nope! Oh, she did perform her wifely duties and they ended up having a little girl within two years, but it was awful. Grandpa was over the moon for his little girl while my grandmother spent weeks crying because she knew this baby meant she would probably be with him forever.

 

The marriage was a disaster for 8 years. They had three children and though my grandmother was an excellent cook, mother, and housekeeper and lived up to his 1940's era expectations, when he got home from his 3 years in the navy in WWII, he announced that he could no longer live with someone who didn't love him and wouldn't miss him when he was gone. He announced he was moving away. My grandmother, faced with single parenting three children in 1946 decided she should try harder on the emotional front and asked for another year.

 

They stayed together. Now, the good news is that by the time they were grandparents, they adored each other. They did eventually become happy and content with one another and were married 53 years before grandpa passed. But, I can tell you that my grandmother, though it was clear during my lifetime that she truly came to love my grandfather, was scarred from the arranged marriage. We grand girls always heard, "Now listen here. When you grow up, you do what you want. Get married, don't get married, go to college, don't go to college, have babies, don't have babies...and don't think because you are a woman that you have to settle because society thinks you should."

 

There was another marriage of "contentment and convenience"...mutually and amiably agreed upon in my family. My aunt never told anyone the truth that she had not loved my uncle, but had decided to make a "rational" decision. She was suicidal on more than one occasion...wanting out and not wanting to go through the pain of divorce. Now, as an older woman, she really just hopes she'll die before he does. It isn't pretty. My uncle, a tender and loving man who unfortunately, made some mistakes early on in the marriage that did not promote bonding, grieves to this day. My cousins have been deeply wounded because they KNOW their mother regrets ever having them. None of these relationships are healthy.

 

So, no....too many bad stories in my family. Dh is my soulmate and best friend. I could not have it any other way.

 

I think that while people MAY grow to love one another and certainly there is a lot of choice in that, I also know it doesn't always happen and that some people are so hardwired to need that relationship, they may think

they can do it, and then end up in a lot of internal pain...the kind of pain that can't be hidden from spouse and children.

 

Oh and many of dh's co-workers from overseas had arranged marriages. It's kind of weird because it all seems very business like and no one seems to have the slightest attachment to anyone else. Very, very strange and they think it's really bizarre that he "loves" me and wants to spend time with me.

 

Faith

[shinyhappypeople]

Exactly! A decent man, a good husband and father, and you are content with your life? I can't imagine NOT loving him over time.

:iagree:

[FO4UR]

Lol, let's just say most months he makes more money in a month then I do in 6 months, not out of shape either lol. Truth be told we dated years ago but I felt we made better friends. Now I'm moving out of state and he wants to try wooing me in hopes I'll stay. Called this morning wanting to take me and the kids to Disneyland on a 2 day hopper pass and hotel accommodations with our own room (he loves seeing kids happy, his dd is spoiled rotten from trips like that, shes got some high expectations of a future DH lol).

 

 

 

Go to Disney. Let him try to woo you.

 

 

Keep your eyes open though...and if it's too good to be true, it probably is. If he's not a predatory creep trying to Wowza you with a flashy trip to Disney and tales of how $$$ he is, then he just may succeed in his endeavors.;)

[Catwoman]

Lol, let's just say most months he makes more money in a month then I do in 6 months, not out of shape either lol. Truth be told we dated years ago but I felt we made better friends. Now I'm moving out of state and he wants to try wooing me in hopes I'll stay. Called this morning wanting to take me and the kids to Disneyland on a 2 day hopper pass and hotel accommodations with our own room (he loves seeing kids happy, his dd is spoiled rotten from trips like that, shes got some high expectations of a future DH lol).

 

Is there anything specific about him that makes him unattractive to you? Does it feel more like a brother/sister thing or something along those lines?

 

Have you spent any time alone together, like for a weekend without the kids? You might be more attracted to him if you were doing romantic things, rather than family-type stuff.

 

I don't know if you have any sort of religious or moral issues with a little romance before marriage (and I definitely don't expect you to talk about it here!) but if I was in your position, I'd want to find out if I would like the more intimate aspects of the relationship. He might turn out to be a real studmuffin and you'll wonder what you were thinking when you thought you weren't attracted to him.

 

I keep thinking that if he seemed incredibly nice and decent and a great father -- the "perfect on paper" type -- maybe you're thinking of him in a more friendly way than if he was a little more of a hot, s*xy, bad-boy type. But maybe he's more... ummm... exciting... than you think he is. I know that when I was younger, the nice guys seemed kind of boring, so that's why I'm mentioning the possibility. (Hey, I never claimed to be Einstein. :tongue_smilie:)

 

Now that I'm older and hopefully wiser, I wouldn't toss this guy to the curb until I was sure I couldn't get hot and bothered over him. But if I truly believed I would never be able to think about him "in that way," I would send him on his way, so he could find someone who would fall in love with him, because it wouldn't be fair to marry a man for whom I didn't have romantic feelings.

[Night Elf]

I know this in my head but I can't image having sex with someone I dont love or even have romantic feelings for.

 

This is what bothers me most. Sex is so intimate. Having a temporary fling is one thing, but being expected to perform "wifely duties" on an ongoing basis with someone I wasn't sexually attracted to is so unappealing. It would feel nonconsensual, forced and would likely lead to major resentment.

 

I also wonder what the man's perspective is in this scenario. Does he know this woman isn't in love with him and would be marrying him out of convenience? If not, how horrible for that man. Can you imagine marrying someone you thought loved you and you find out he/she doesn't really feel that way? I would be devastated.

[BlueTaelon]

Assuming there weren't any other reasons to not marry him (for example, I have a very clear idea in my mind what 'decent' means, and part of that would include him being of my religion, which would give him certain ideas about a marriage commitment), then yes I think I could.

 

For our premarital counseling, DH and I read His Needs, Her Needs. It's a great marriage book, but its main focus is affair-proofing your marriage. One of the main points I took away from the book is that many people become attracted to the person they spend the most time with. I think DH was a great example of that. When I first met him, I wanted nothing to do with him. I thought we were nothing alike, he was too wild and crazy for my tastes, and I didn't even find him attractive. And yet, over time that opinion changed. How much more so would that happen when two decent people are trying to make a marriage work?

 

Of course, the OP said someone you could never love, but I just don't believe that. If he really is a decent man, I think I could learn to love him.

 

"Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." -C.S. Lewis

 

I think if I had to pick, I'd pick Friendship over Eros.

 

Wayyyy back when our kids were little, like toddlers and we were dating he told me about a few things he did as a police officer to people down on their luck (homeless, ect) and it just instantly changed how I saw him. I mean, I do not see how someone could find pepper spraying a homeless persons sleeping place during the day funny. There were a couple instances of similar actions, he showed no remorse or regret and that just sits wrong with me. That's how I know I could never love him. For all intents he seems to be a good man as far as taking care of family and such but in his heart he doesn't have the heart I'd want in a life mate.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Wayyyy back when our kids were little, like toddlers and we were dating he told me about a few things he did as a police officer to people down on their luck (homeless, ect) and it just instantly changed how I saw him. I mean, I do not see how someone could find pepper spraying a homeless persons sleeping place during the day funny. There were a couple instances of similar actions, he showed no remorse or regret and that just sits wrong with me. That's how I know I could never love him. For all intents he seems to be a good man as far as taking care of family and such but in his heart he doesn't have the heart I'd want in a life mate.

 

Then he is not a decent man with a character that you could respect. And if you couldn't respect him (in his core) then you are correct, I don't think you could love him. I would say "no thank you" to the weekend because in my opinion it would be using him to lead him on.

[Meriwether]

A decent man would never ask any woman to perform wifely duties in the bedroom if she was not interested in that kind of relationship.

 

I disagree with this.

[swellmomma]

Then he is not a decent man with a character that you could respect. And if you couldn't respect him (in his core) then you are correct, I don't think you could love him. I would say "no thank you" to the weekend because in my opinion it would be using him to lead him on.

 

:iagree:I said I would marry without love if he was decent. That description is of a bully not a decent man. No way in he** would I marryhim or allow him access to my kids. I would never settle for a bully.

[raceNzanesmom]

I think marriage is hard enough with the man I love to pieces.

 

Exactly.

[Geo]

I voted No, because marriage is hard enough even when you adore your

partner....I can't imagine working through life's trials with someone I don't

love and adore...just because he has money. I don't love money enough, and besides, there isn't enough money in the world, anyway. ;)

[Caitilin]

Then he is not a decent man with a character that you could respect. And if you couldn't respect him (in his core) then you are correct, I don't think you could love him. I would say "no thank you" to the weekend because in my opinion it would be using him to lead him on.

 

:iagree: he is not the decent man you need. :grouphug:

[Dory]

I did marry a man I didn't love. It was the best choice I had at the time in my life. If the man is a man of good character, love eventually happens. It just takes hard work and time. I'm 10 years into the marriage now and I don't know what I would do without him. I love him now, even if there was no love in the beginning.

[BlueTaelon]

Then he is not a decent man with a character that you could respect. And if you couldn't respect him (in his core) then you are correct, I don't think you could love him. I would say "no thank you" to the weekend because in my opinion it would be using him to lead him on.

 

Your right, didn't really think about it till tonight. He's bugged me over the years as to why I won't marry him when we would both benefit from it. I've told him I don't love him and I don't really believe in marriage but he's never given up hope. I've made it very clear I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with him again. I see him as a friend which I dont take lightly and he knows that.

[KidsHappen]

If it was a platonic relationship (just for companionship), sure but I could not have a sexu@l relationship with someone I did not love.

[BlueTaelon]

:iagree:I said I would marry without love if he was decent. That description is of a bully not a decent man. No way in he** would I marryhim or allow him access to my kids. I would never settle for a bully.

 

Never thought about it being bullying. It's been 20+ years since the action, it's the lack of regret/remorse that gets me.

[abacus2]

Then he is not a decent man with a character that you could respect. And if you couldn't respect him (in his core) then you are correct, I don't think you could love him. I would say "no thank you" to the weekend because in my opinion it would be using him to lead him on.

 

:iagree:

[maddykate]

I voted yes. Love can grow over time.

[Catwoman]

Wayyyy back when our kids were little, like toddlers and we were dating he told me about a few things he did as a police officer to people down on their luck (homeless, ect) and it just instantly changed how I saw him. I mean, I do not see how someone could find pepper spraying a homeless persons sleeping place during the day funny. There were a couple instances of similar actions, he showed no remorse or regret and that just sits wrong with me. That's how I know I could never love him. For all intents he seems to be a good man as far as taking care of family and such but in his heart he doesn't have the heart I'd want in a life mate.

 

If you haven't spoken about these particular incidents for several years, you really have no idea how he currently feels about what he did many years ago. For all you know, he is now very remorseful.

 

People can change a lot over the course of several years, so if this is something that bothers you (and it would definitely bother me,) I think you should ask him about it. Get him talking about the old days when he was a young police officer, and see what he says. If he doesn't mention the incidents that concern you, come right out and casually ask him to tell you the stories again, so you can find out if he still thinks they are funny.

 

Normally, I would tell you to just drop the guy, but if he seems like a different kind of man now, I wouldn't just assume that his feelings about his past mis-steps are the same now that they were many years ago.

 

How many of us, if we had it to do over again, wouldn't change some of the things we did when we were younger?

 

I'm not defending the guy's past behavior, but I also wouldn't condemn him for life over some rotten things he did years ago, if he is genuinely sorry about what he did back then. And if it turns out that he still sees nothing wrong with what he did, you'll know for sure that there is no possibility that he's the right man for you. I might say there was still hope for a relationship to work out if the guy just seemed a little boring to you, or something like that, but it's a whole different ball game if he still has a mean streak -- at that point, he is not only wrong for you; he might also be dangerous. I would be very worried that he might be abusive to you or your children if he still believed that hurting and tormenting people was funny.

Edited May 28, 2012 by Catwoman

[EthiopianFood]

Wayyyy back when our kids were little, like toddlers and we were dating he told me about a few things he did as a police officer to people down on their luck (homeless, ect) and it just instantly changed how I saw him. I mean, I do not see how someone could find pepper spraying a homeless persons sleeping place during the day funny. There were a couple instances of similar actions, he showed no remorse or regret and that just sits wrong with me. That's how I know I could never love him. For all intents he seems to be a good man as far as taking care of family and such but in his heart he doesn't have the heart I'd want in a life mate.

 

I would never want someone like this in my home, my bed, or around my children. Period.

[SKL]

I guess I'm confused. It sounds like you're disgusted by the way he thinks about certain things, but if that is the case, you would not be considering this question at all, right?

 

What I'd do is tell him what your hesitation stems from. See what he says about it. If nothing else, at least he will understand that he needs to stop wasting his time wooing you.

 

I was dating a guy who seemed to have character issues like that. It got to the point where I was afraid of him. It's kind of scary to think that I seriously considered marrying him, partly because of my biological clock (though we did have good chemistry in some ways too).

[WishboneDawn]

Nm

[REv1053]

It's been 20 years since this incident happened, and 10 years or more since he told you about it. I think it's time for another conversation. It sounds like a deal breaker for you and he deserves to know why.

[Heather in Neverland]

Since I think of real love as a choice, not something you fall into, then yes I think I could.

 

:iagree:

[Kathryn]

:iagree:I said I would marry without love if he was decent. That description is of a bully not a decent man. No way in he** would I marryhim or allow him access to my kids. I would never settle for a bully.

 

:iagree: if he still feels the same way. people can change.

 

If you haven't spoken about these particular incidents for several years, you really have no idea how he currently feels about what he did many years ago. For all you know, he is now very remorseful.

 

People can change a lot over the course of several years, so if this is something that bothers you (and it would definitely bother me,) I think you should ask him about it. Get him talking about the old days when he was a young police officer, and see what he says. If he doesn't mention the incidents that concern you, come right out and casually ask him to tell you the stories again, so you can find out if he still thinks they are funny.

 

Normally, I would tell you to just drop the guy, but if he seems like a different kind of man now, I wouldn't just assume that his feelings about his past mis-steps are the same now that they were many years ago.

 

How many of us, if we had it to do over again, wouldn't change some of the things we did when we were younger?

 

I'm not defending the guy's past behavior, but I also wouldn't condemn him for life over some rotten things he did years ago, if he is genuinely sorry about what he did back then. And if it turns out that he still sees nothing wrong with what he did, you'll know for sure that there is no possibility that he's the right man for you. I might say there was still hope for a relationship to work out if the guy just seemed a little boring to you, or something like that, but it's a whole different ball game if he still has a mean streak -- at that point, he is not only wrong for you; he might also be dangerous. I would be very worried that he might be abusive to you or your children if he still believed that hurting and tormenting people was funny.

 

It's been 20 years since this incident happened, and 10 years or more since he told you about it. I think it's time for another conversation. It sounds like a deal breaker for you and he deserves to know why.

 

:iagree: Lay it all out on the table. Then you'll both know once and for all where things stand and you can give it a try or move on.

[southcarolinamom]

No. never. ever.

[Mommyfaithe]

Yup....in a heartbeat. Especially if I never had to worry about money or my children being cared for or loved.

He would have to be a decent, loving kind man. He would have to be sweet and kind to me. Love can happen and grow if you decide to love someone. I deeply believe love is a choice. The man I married 26 years ago was a different guy than the boy I met four years previously and is a completely different person today. I am different too. There are many days, weeks, months....where I choose to love and not walk away. My dh is a good man. He loves our kids. He works hard and provides well. He is a person though....and people have clashes and power struggles and disagreements. That happens even in the best of marriages where both people married for " love".

 

I think arranged and marriage for family growth, or a contractual agreement between parties for a mutual benefit can work out beautifully as long as all cards are on the table to begin with.

Edited May 28, 2012 by Mommyfaithe

[Dealea86]

Then he is not a decent man with a character that you could respect. And if you couldn't respect him (in his core) then you are correct, I don't think you could love him. I would say "no thank you" to the weekend because in my opinion it would be using him to lead him on.

 

Agreed. I would never marry a man who I couldn't respect, no matter how attracted I was to him. If there's something that glaring on his character - unless he now shows great remorse about it - then I would say he doesn't qualify as decent and isn't marriage material.

[Mommyfaithe]

Then he is not a decent man with a character that you could respect. And if you couldn't respect him (in his core) then you are correct, I don't think you could love him. I would say "no thank you" to the weekend because in my opinion it would be using him to lead him on.

 

:iagree:

[Danestress]

or security, or the "warm feeling" they get from being taken care of - at least not without full disclosure of expecting to be left alone in the bedroom. This just seems bizarre to me.

 

I would DATE a man I didn't love who seemed like good "life time companion" material, and if I fell in love with him over time, then yes, I would marry him. But I think the man in question probably deserves to be loved - really truly loved - and so do I. If I can't give him that, I don't think it's right to marry him because it would be a good deal for me in terms of finances and getting husbandly care. It would be a bad deal for HIM if I don't love him.

 

Further, I am sort of imagining a wealthy, decent man who would be a great Dad and is gorgeous, and I am wondering what the "catch" might be. Low intelligence, picks his nose, no sense of humor, inadequate personal hygiene. I can't sign up for this until I know, lol.

[HappyGrace]

NO, I was totally with you til we got to the pepper spray post. Go with your gut on what you felt before when he showed his true colors.

[stripe]

someone who while you would never love

 

That is kind of a silly statement, though. WHY would she never love him? Why wouldn't a kind, supportive, decent man be worth loving? These are the things that irritate kind, gentle men.

 

(eta: Oh, I missed that part. Knowing you dislike someone is kind of a bad start for marriage.)

 

 

In exchange, you and your children will be well cared for by a decent man.

Are these the woman's kids or their own kids together? It's not clear from the question. Is this woman desperate in some way? The idea that the woman will be emotionally remote for the whole marriage sounds creepy. One has to be careful this isn't prostitution. You give me a place to live, I sleep with you.

 

Otherwise, I don't see anything wrong with a friendly sort of love. People want different things. I think security and reliability are undervalued in modern American culture. People find 'booty calls' to be more their style.

[Danestress]

That is kind of a silly statement, though. WHY would she never love him? Why wouldn't a kind, supportive, decent man be worth loving? These are the things that irritate kind, gentle men.

 

 

 

I don't think we love people in a "spend our life together" kind of way just because they are decent people. I know dozens of really great men who are decent, good men and nice fathers, and I don't want to marry them. I myself am an attractive, decent woman, and I don't think every man should fall in love with me just for that. There would have to be more, right? Some combination of my kind of interests and intelligence, and humor - shared values and desires.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Danestress

[JumpyTheFrog]

Then he is not a decent man with a character that you could respect. And if you couldn't respect him (in his core) then you are correct, I don't think you could love him. I would say "no thank you" to the weekend because in my opinion it would be using him to lead him on.

 

I agree. You don't respect him. I would never marry a man I didn't respect.

[Parrothead]

Yes, I could do it. It wouldn't be ideal, but could be done if both parties were up front with expectations.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I had a boyfriend once (long distance) where he adored me, but I started to detest him. I took him to the prom and while there, wished I had gone by myself. Unfortunately, I waited a few more months to dump him.

 

When I was older, I realized that I didn't respect him, and that's why I had started to detest him.

 

One of my friends is married to a man that (In my opinion) she doesn't respect and hasn't for a long time. They've had kind of a rough marriage. She once told me she considers participating in bedroom activities to be her "ministry" to him...meaning she isn't interested, but participates because she thinks her religion requires it.

 

I think they'll stay together for life because they don't believe in divorce, but I don't think they'll ever be happy. She just doesn't like him, and although she doesn't say anything about it, it comes across in the way she treats him (and the way their kids treat him, too).

[intp4yhwh]

I know this was the norm long ago but not anymore I don't think. Anyway, would you marry someone who while you would never love you would be content with. You would of course be expected to perform your wifely duties in the bedroom and out. In exchange, you and your children will be well cared for by a decent man. You would get to travel quite a bit as well.

 

Our society doesn't often focus on the difference between 'love' and 'being in love'.

 

If this is a 'decent man' that you would be 'content with' you will come to love him - especially if you 'perform your wifely duties in the bedroom' and are satisfied. Women are wired that way - during the big 'O', oxytocin is released in the body. Oxytocin is a 'bonding hormone'. That's why it's in the body in such large amounts during childbirth - it ensures the mother will bond with the baby.

 

On the other hand, if his personality grates on yours, you could be miserable the rest of your life - but this doesn't sound like the case.

 

As for the ooy, gooy feeling of being 'in love' - couples that have been married for years upon years will sometimes tell you that over the course of their marriage, they've fallen in and out of love a few times. I think that's perfectly normal, and probably one of the reasons the divorce rate in our country is now so high. The couple decides they're no longer 'in love', so they separate.

[Crimson Wife]

Never thought about it being bullying. It's been 20+ years since the action, it's the lack of regret/remorse that gets me.

 

Guys often do dumb stuff when they are younger (I think it's the testosterone) and those in positions of power are often tempted to abuse those positions. I wouldn't necessarily hold something that happened 20 years ago against someone. If what happened really bothers you, have you tried telling him that?

[elegantlion]

Lol, let's just say most months he makes more money in a month then I do in 6 months, not out of shape either lol. Truth be told we dated years ago but I felt we made better friends. Now I'm moving out of state and he wants to try wooing me in hopes I'll stay. Called this morning wanting to take me and the kids to Disneyland on a 2 day hopper pass and hotel accommodations with our own room (he loves seeing kids happy, his dd is spoiled rotten from trips like that, shes got some high expectations of a future DH lol).

 

so it's not hypothetical.

 

Wayyyy back when our kids were little, like toddlers and we were dating he told me about a few things he did as a police officer to people down on their luck (homeless, ect) and it just instantly changed how I saw him. I mean, I do not see how someone could find pepper spraying a homeless persons sleeping place during the day funny. There were a couple instances of similar actions, he showed no remorse or regret and that just sits wrong with me. That's how I know I could never love him. For all intents he seems to be a good man as far as taking care of family and such but in his heart he doesn't have the heart I'd want in a life mate.

 

 

 

Then he is not a decent man with a character that you could respect. And if you couldn't respect him (in his core) then you are correct, I don't think you could love him. I would say "no thank you" to the weekend because in my opinion it would be using him to lead him on.

 

:iagree:, but I also agree that you need to discuss it again. If this is the stumbling block to respecting him, ask. I would be tempted to take him up on the trip(maybe that's being opportunistic) and observe him. Nothing like a weekend at an amusement park to see someones true colors.

 

What he did was atrocious, but he could also feel that way now. My concern would be his compassion for people he views as "less than". Watch how he treats wait staff and employees, other families standing in line. I think these would be big indicators of who he is NOW. After the trip, if you observe and notate (like in your head, not on paper because that could look weird :tongue_smilie:) you'll have a clearer idea of if he is worthy of respect.

[Scarlett]

I know this was the norm long ago but not anymore I don't think. Anyway, would you marry someone who while you would never love you would be content with. You would of course be expected to perform your wifely duties in the bedroom and out. In exchange, you and your children will be well cared for by a decent man. You would get to travel quite a bit as well.

 

Well, I can't answer that because I believe most people that you could stand to live with you could grow to love. I think kindness, respect, care of family, financial support...those are much more valuable than people realize. I think there needs to be some initial attraction...I certainly would not want to be repulsed by my husband physically.

[Lady Florida.]

No, I couldn't and wouldn't. I was raised by a single mom. She struggled at times but never considered trading her integrity for security. She had more than one marriage proposal that she turned down because she didn't (and couldn't grow to) love the guy. She discussed these issues with me when I was old enough to understand.

 

While I wish she would have found someone she could care enough about to share her life with, I'm thankful for what she taught me about being true to yourself.

 

I agree with other posters that it's possible he could feel differently about what he did, and that you should discuss it with him. Respect is more important than love, and if you can't respect him then you shouldn't even consider being with him long term. I couldn't even be friends with someone I don't respect, let alone be his life partner.

[Scarlett]

so it's not hypothetical.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:iagree:, but I also agree that you need to discuss it again. If this is the stumbling block to respecting him, ask. I would be tempted to take him up on the trip(maybe that's being opportunistic) and observe him. Nothing like a weekend at an amusement park to see someones true colors.

 

What he did was atrocious, but he could also feel that way now. My concern would be his compassion for people he views as "less than". Watch how he treats wait staff and employees, other families standing in line. I think these would be big indicators of who he is NOW. After the trip, if you observe and notate (like in your head, not on paper because that could look weird :tongue_smilie:) you'll have a clearer idea of if he is worthy of respect.

 

Yes. Especially to the bolded. When I read about the pepper spray my stomach turned....but then again I've done some things that turn my stomach to think about them and I would hate to be judged for the rest of my life for my sins. The real key is how does he feel NOW. What is his current character?

[chepyl]

This strikes me as beyond dumb. When I think dumb...I think of a guy who egged someone's house or toilet papered someone's car. Not pepper spraying homeless people.

 

Oh...and then that he doesn't even feel sorry about it?

 

It sounded like he sprayed their beds while they were gone. It is not a thing a nice person would do, but ot Is not the same as spraying a person and laughing about it. He likely never saw the effects it had on the homeless people.

 

He may feel differently about what he did now, you can only ask.

[Kathryn]

Yes. Especially to the bolded. When I read about the pepper spray my stomach turned....but then again I've done some things that turn my stomach to think about them and I would hate to be judged for the rest of my life for my sins. The real key is how does he feel NOW. What is his current character?

 

It sounded like he sprayed their beds while they were gone. It is not a thing a nice person would do, but ot Is not the same as spraying a person and laughing about it. He likely never saw the effects it had on the homeless people.

 

He may feel differently about what he did now, you can only ask.

 

:iagree:

[Rebel Yell]

The Bible commands wives to respect their husbands, not to love them. So, if he was a decent man whom I highly respected I believe it could work. I think it would also take the right combination of people- if both were committed to making the marriage work, and both decent, kind, caring people- I think a marriage like that has equal or greater potential than "red hot love" with one or both parties being jerks, selfish, cruel, etc.

 

I also think that, in time, participation in the wifely duties could certainly lead to affectionate feelings and eventually, love. Especially considering that love is a verb- a choice of actions, not only a lovey feeling that comes and goes.

 

But I would never have believed all of this when I was young, stupid, and unsaved. :lol:

[Danestress]

But I would never have believed all of this when I was young, stupid, and unsaved. :lol:

 

When I was a young woman and read Anna Karenina, I was just desperate to tell her, "Stop this thing with Vronsky. Your husband is good enough. Be a good wife, it will work out." Same with Madame Bovary. I honestly believed that if she would just be sweet to Charles, try to love him, be a good wife, her life would be okay. I was definitely wanting these beloved literary characters to play it safe and get with the program.

 

Now that I am a woman who has experienced passionate love with her husband, who has had a 19 year marriage to a man who is endlessly interesting, entertaining, attractive and challenging, I see how trapped these women were trapped by a society that expected them to settle for a dutiful, placid, but passionless marriage. I still think they made pitiful choices and that Vronsky was a bad, bad decision, lol. But I also understand that there is so much more to marriage that getting along okay, having similar goals, and every one being decent and nice. Now days, I can't think of why a young woman would enter into a passionless marriage. Why not date and see if that real love and passion comes, instead of deciding that if you marry, eventually it will be there. Maybe it won't. Maybe he is boring and not all that bright, and you will never really adore him.

[Joanne]

Yes, but "marry" does not automatically mean sexual intimacy to me.

 

I voted yes, but will note that I will never marry again.

[FaithManor]

When I was a young woman and read Anna Karenina, I was just desperate to tell her, "Stop this thing with Vronsky. Your husband is good enough. Be a good wife, it will work out." Same with Madame Bovary. I honestly believed that if she would just be sweet to Charles, try to love him, be a good wife, her life would be okay. I was definitely wanting these beloved literary characters to play it safe and get with the program.

 

Now that I am a woman who has experienced passionate love with her husband, who has had a 19 year marriage to a man who is endlessly interesting, entertaining, attractive and challenging, I see how trapped these women were trapped by a society that expected them to settle for a dutiful, placid, but passionless marriage. I still think they made pitiful choices and that Vronsky was a bad, bad decision, lol. But I also understand that there is so much more to marriage that getting along okay, having similar goals, and every one being decent and nice. Now days, I can't think of why a young woman would enter into a passionless marriage. Why not date and see if that real love and passion comes, instead of deciding that if you marry, eventually it will be there. Maybe it won't. Maybe he is boring and not all that bright, and you will never really adore him.

 

Yes, I think that when one has experienced soooo much more from their marriage, the concept of "settling" is very upsetting.

 

As for what the Bible says, I do agree that women need to respect their husbands if their spouses are respectable people. But, the reason that the Bible does not allude to loving them is because all of those marriages were arranged. The women had NO choice. It was a done deal. As women encountered the Gospel and the way in which Jesus challenged society in its views of women (the woman at the well, the woman "caught in adultery" - where was the other half of that sin???? - encouraging female followers and spending time instructing them, his treatment of Mary Magdalene, his rebuking of the disciple for his attitude about the woman who expressed faith and touched his garment, caring more about Martha's faith then about her role as "cook, housekeeper, hostess", worrying about what would become of his mother and sisters while dying on the cross, etc. clearly he modeled a 180 in attitude about women), one of the things that happened was that female followers began exercising their new found freedoms in Christ in unsettling ways that was disrupting marriages and families. Note that the man was instructed to Love his wife as Christ loved the church...totally, 100% sacrificial and that was completely opposite of the message of ancient societies as well! Even Paul gave women power in the bedroom....totally unheard of, instructing wives and HUSBANDS to not deprive one another except by mututal agreement.

 

In western culture, women have the choice. I cannot see Jesus being thrilled with marriages in which the woman marries for financial convenience and does not love the man she pledges to spend the rest of her life with. I cannot imagine he is okay with "love, honor, and cherish" being uttered at the ceremoney when in fact it is a lie because said woman does not love or cherish. Note that in arranged marriage societies it is not expected for a woman to make such a promise...they KNOW she is not marrying for mututal respect, to be cherished, to be loved, to become "one" with her husband. It's a legal arrangement agreed upon by the parents. What the kids feel has nothing to do with it and they are expected to make the best of it. Since they have no other expectation, they don't bring anything else to the marriage. But, in the west, we have some expectation of some attachment to the other person and the marriage vows that are exchanged in most western cultures today reflect that. I would not encourage people to lie before the magistrate, the judge, the cruise ship captain, or the clergyperson (to name a few of the individuals endowed with the legal rights to perform marriage rites).

 

For non-Christians, none of this is meaningful. If this is not your faith, you may bring an entirely different interpretation of the marriage relationship and marriage vows to the discussion. But, I think that if we are going to bring up what the Bible says, then one thing we should consider is WWJD and I don't think that the situation the OP described would be one that he would encourage.

 

Faith

Edited May 28, 2012 by FaithManor
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