KinderSafari Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Oh wise parents of the homeschool world! To those who are willing to change and alter and keep their children's best interests in mind- any feedback for me on this? My will-be 10th grader is "gifted"! (Don't we all know that about our kids? :) ) She is gifted in hockey. :tongue_smilie: So my question is would you send your kids to live somewhere else so they could be more challenged in a sport (in this case to the grandparents)? Here's a little credibility on her giftedness: In 8th grade she was already told by an opposing team's coach if she ever wanted to play hockey in college, she should contact him. She is also contacted every year to play "elite" girls summer hockey in the state. Usually this is something the kids contact teams about and ask to tryout for. They have told her she doesn't even need to try out. The schools we are comparing (grandparents and ours) are academically equal, but she would be challenged with their hockey program, and she would be bored out of her mind here. Our kids records typically are 1 or 2 wins a season. Also, my daughter has never done well when she is the best one in anything. She plays down to the level of the other kids. So the concept of "being a star" or "being a leader" I don't really see as helping her other than being selfish. If it were MY strong Christian parents, I'd send her in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, my parents' city hockey program is just as "fine" as ours. My father-in-law and I have not gotten along so well, and he is an atheist. THAT is my biggest roadblock. It's not like he'll try to convert her to atheism, and I've already told her that's why I'm hesitating. He also knows where I stand on Christianity. And we agree to never talk about the issue. She would be going to school, going home to do schoolwork, participating in sports, and coming home on the weekends/vacations/summer. Last point to mention: She is not allowed to change her mind, by WI state rules for sports. If she practices even ONE time with any team, she "commits" to that team for one year from that date. If she wants to switch teams, she has to sit out of any sports or activities for one full year from the last time she played with a team. So basically, our decision is for the remainder of her high school years. FEEDBACK??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 In my family and in my culture, this is very common. I would send my child to live elsewhere for his/her benefit, or the benefit of our family - without hesitation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momma2three Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 So long as there's an agreement about your daughter being allowed to attend church and youth group and whatever else her religious needs are (and not just "allowed" obviously, but whatever driving her around is necessary, within reason of course), I would let her go. If it's a sport she loves, and she could be getting some serious college scholarships out of it, I would do what it takes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I would say yes, since she is coming home on weekends. If she is with your FIL weekdays only she will actually have little contact with him when you consider the commitments of school, homeworks and sports practice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 No, I wouldn't, especially not to an athiest family member, but probably not at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carpe Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I would if my inlaws weren't nuts :001_smile: Atheism wouldn't be a concern at all. He managed to raise your (presumably) devout husband just fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greenmama2 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I would say yes, since she is coming home on weekends. If she is with your FIL weekdays only she will actually have little contact with him when you consider the commitments of school, homeworks and sports practice. :iagree: She is lucky to have this opportunity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 If she wanted to go and had a good relationship with her grand father, and I trusted him, then yes, I would've. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Wouldn't there be a lot of games on weekends and vacations? Friends of mine have hockey kids, and dh grew up playing. They're never home on weekends! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 We are sending in our application to boarding school this week ... so my answer is yes. Our circumstances are different, but we are applying so that she will get opportunities she cannot get in most places in rural Alaska. Wherever we end up next will likely be incredibly low-performing (example: students just need to pass algebra to meet the math requirement to graduate). We want her to be fully prepared for college. Homeschooling her isn't an option - she needs outside accountability. If you have a good relationship with your dd (and I assume you do!), I think frequent visits and lots of phone calls/skype calls will help. As long as you and your IL's will agree on rules/restrictions so that you are on the same page, I think it could work well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes if it was what she wanted more than anything and with the understanding of what it means for her to choose this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fhjmom Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) I have considered the question theoretically since my children have hearing loss and many families choose to send their child to the state school for the Deaf. Many families I know have moved, some of them across state lines even, to have access to their school of choice and keep their child living at home. If I truly felt an opportunity was that important for a child, I would first consider moving he whole family. Second, I would clearly evaluate the big picture. What exactly is the goal of allowing your DD to play high school hockey? Is it to participate in a varsity program? Earn a scholarship? Shoot for the NHL? If it is a scholarship, is hockey truly he only way she will go to college? What about other non-sport considerations, such as academics. Will she have the same type of friend network available? What will happen to her high school social life if she comes home every weekend? Will she even be able to come home that often between games and tournaments or other activities? Will she want to? Here, most elite athletes in every sport play outside of school in select leagues. Is there an opportunity for her to do that? What message about values does it send your DD that sports participation have that high a value? (and before you say I just don't understand, I played soccer in college, worked as athletic trainer for a 2 time state championship football program in Texas and we are already facing some tough decisions with my 8 YO DD that plays competitive soccer). Honestly, based on what you shared here, no I would not. If it was a shot at an elite Olympic development team or something like that, maybe; but just another high school, even a really good one, I would not. The fact that she would not be living in a Christian home seals he deal even more, IMHO. In our state, It would ot even be legal. If it was discovered she changed residences, especially with her family remaining in a different district, based primarily on sports participation, she would be considered ineligible and the school could have to forfeit games if it was discovered after she had competed. Edited March 31, 2012 by fhjmom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 No, I would not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 So, he raised a son good enough for you to marry, but he's not a good enough grandparent for you to trust your teenager around? What, is atheism contagious or something? You already said that he wouldn't try to "convert" her, and has agreed not to discuss it, so why is that even an issue? I thought your concern would be missing her when I started reading this post. She's not a little girl, you already instilled your values in her, she's a big enough girl to follow through with her own beliefs now, isn't she? And she'll be with YOU on weekends so you can do your church thing or whatever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 So, he raised a son good enough for you to marry, but he's not a good enough grandparent for you to trust your teenager around? What, is atheism contagious or something? You already said that he wouldn't try to "convert" her, and has agreed not to discuss it, so why is that even an issue? I thought your concern would be missing her when I started reading this post. She's not a little girl, you already instilled your values in her, she's a big enough girl to follow through with her own beliefs now, isn't she? And she'll be with YOU on weekends so you can do your church thing or whatever. :iagree: My friend just left this morning to go home to Tiawan to visit her family with her 8.5 yo son. When they return in two weeks, she'll be bringing back a friend's 9 yo daughter. The girl will be living with them for the rest of this year and all of next so she can go to school here for awhile. Apparently it will give her a huge advantage with both her english and her education. She's 9, traveling around to the other side of the planet and living with family friends. They all look at it as the best thing for her educationally and for her future. So yes, if it was the best opportunity for her, I'd let her go. Isn't that why we homeschool? To give our kids the best opportunites? I see this as the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Toughie. I'd like to say I would not, but I haven't seen my DD beg for something very hard yet. There is a school nearby, elementary on up, which caters to gifted sports kids. A ton of them come without parents. And the kiddos seem to be just fine. I think you should just pray really hard about it, and the answer should come to you. If there is any gut aching at all, then the answer should be "no". In addition, what other influences will your DD face? Teens need their moms for so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoamiracle Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I have considered the question theoretically since my children have hearing loss and many families choose to send their child to the state school for the Deaf. Many families I know have moved, some of them across state lines even, to have access to their school of choice and keep their child living at home. If I truly felt an opportunity was that important for a child, I would first consider moving he whole family. Second, I would clearly evaluate the big picture. What exactly is the goal of allowing your DD to play high school hockey? Is it to participate in a varsity program? Earn a scholarship? Shoot for the NHL? If it is a scholarship, is hockey truly he only way she will go to college? What about other non-sport considerations, such as academics. Will she have the same type of friend network available? What will happen to her high school social life if she comes home every weekend? Will she even be able to come home that often between games and tournaments or other activities? Will she want to? Here, most elite athletes in every sport play outside of school in select leagues. Is there an opportunity for her to do that? What message about values does it send your DD that sports participation have that high a value? (and before you say I just don't understand, I played soccer in college, worked as athletic trainer for a 2 time state championship football program in Texas and we are already facing some tough decisions with my 8 YO DD that plays competitive soccer). Honestly, based on what you shared here, no I would not. If it was a shot at an elite Olympic development team or something like that, maybe; but just another high school, even a really good one, I would not. The fact that she would not be living in a Christian home seals he deal even more, IMHO. In our state, It would ot even be legal. If it was discovered she changed residences, especially with her family remaining in a different district, based primarily on sports participation, she would be considered ineligible and the school could have to forfeit games if it was discovered after she had competed. very good points. I probably would not. If it was my sister who would be looking after her exactly as I would, I MIGHT. but really, I'd rather my child be under my supervision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaz Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 It would be a "no" here. We'd look for other opportunities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 No, I wouldn't, especially not to an athiest family member, but probably not at all. :iagree: I also have a gifted athlete, so I get that part of it. My thought is that they will be in my home, under my (and dh's, of course) influence for a limited number of years in their life. I intend to make the most of that time, and wouldn't shorten it for a sport. That is just me, and I know other people who love their children just as much and choose differently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garness Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 no, I would consider moving my whole family though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 If I truly felt an opportunity was that important for a child, I would first consider moving he whole family. :iagree: The religion thing would not be an issue for me at all. The sending my child to live outside my family for 3 years would be a problem for me. For one year, maybe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 No, I would not. My kids may not have the best opportunities at all times, but they do have opportunities, kwim? It's not like a superior hocky (or academic) program is their one chance to break out of poverty or succeed in life. I do see how someone else might make a different decision, but it's important to do so with your eyes open. You are thinking that she will be home every weekend, holiday, and vacation, but how will that play out in real life? She is going to live there, go to school there, make friends there. Bit by bit, her social life is going to become centered there. There will be study groups and group projects, birthday parties, dances, and so on. The fact that she currently 'plays down' to the level of the other kids would also make me hesitate. A kid who is passionate about their interest and who already does absolutely everything possible to be the best they can be would be harder to turn down at my house. I can't imagine an opportunity that would actually have us say "yes" to leaving for the rest of their high school years, but it would be a tad more likely :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KinderSafari Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Thanks so much for all the feedback! It is SOOOO appreciated! A lot of the statements really stood out to me! I think I could tell by reading them what my answer is going to be. :) There were some where I just said: YES! That's exactly what I was thinking! And others where I thought: Oh, well, maybe I should think more about this! It's so nice to have a third "person" to bounce these things off of!! A few answers to questions people brought up: To clarify state sports rules here - yes it would be illegal to go live somewhere else and play for the team unless you are open enrolled, which is what we would do. And to prevent those sort of problems from hopping around to play sports, is why WI has the rule that if you switch schools (without your whole family moving) you would have to sit out of all sports and activities for a year before playing. Also - we have watched some of the girls college teams play and I was very surprised to see that there would be a real chance for her to play in a Division 1 school. Her goal is to go to the Olympics. Any of my husband's faith, comes from his mom and her influence. She has had MS for the last 10 years, so since his dad does all her care, they no longer go to church. Hockey games for youth take up weekends, but for high school, they typically play during the week. She would turn 16 in a year, and be able to drive herself to church, youth group activities, home on weekends, etc. So I think it's really this next year I'm having a hard time with AND being away from my daily influence! It's not "TIME" for any of my kids to leave yet!! :) (I think I will always think that!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 My father-in-law and I have not gotten along so well, and he is an atheist. I would not, based on this. Playing hockey with the potential for scholarship might benefit my daughter, but it's nothing compared to the eternal benefit that may be gained with her in my home for the next three years. I would never do anything to risk my teen daughter's heart for Christ. That's not to say that I would tell you to make the same decision. What's are you hearing from God? What is your dd hearing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 No where is more beneficial for a child to be than with parents. Assuming you aren't child beaters, serial killers or cannibals. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 is this field hockey or ice hockey? And if it's not a year round sport, what would she be doing during the season when she's not competing? Is there club hockey during the off season? I would be reluctant to do this. But I can see why one might chose to do it if the child badly wanted to. I can't resist begging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KinderSafari Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 I guess what bothers me too about the feedback we HAVE received, is that people in town would consider her (us) a traitor for leaving town to play somewhere else. :glare: They ask her "Don't you want to be a star?" (REALLY?? Is THAT supposed to be a goal??) At the end of the season, one of her coaches found out what we were considering and told her in the locker room in front of all the other kids "I am NOT coaching a kid that is going to go play somewhere else. You need to play for OUR team next year." In other words, we need to consider the TEAM first. Not what is best for our child. These attitudes are the same type of things I got when we first told people we were homeschooling. Very defensive. The homeschool questions were: "What? Our schools are not good enough for you?" "If you don't like the school, then YOU need to do something to change it - not leave it." How rare has someone said: What would be the best for YOUR CHILD? In fact, TODAY, one year after we have quietly been talking about the possibility with some of our friends - was the FIRST time anyone ever told us "You need to have her go play somewhere else. Our team will do nothing for her. She could really make it." I about dropped over in shock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 No - not for four years, even with weekends and breaks at home. I would definitely consider moving the whole family to best accommodate her. Is there any school not too far from you with a decent team? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) Oh wise parents of the homeschool world! To those who are willing to change and alter and keep their children's best interests in mind- any feedback for me on this? My will-be 10th grader is "gifted"! (Don't we all know that about our kids? :) ) She is gifted in hockey. :tongue_smilie: So my question is would you send your kids to live somewhere else so they could be more challenged in a sport (in this case to the grandparents)? Here's a little credibility on her giftedness: In 8th grade she was already told by an opposing team's coach if she ever wanted to play hockey in college, she should contact him. She is also contacted every year to play "elite" girls summer hockey in the state. Usually this is something the kids contact teams about and ask to tryout for. They have told her she doesn't even need to try out. The schools we are comparing (grandparents and ours) are academically equal, but she would be challenged with their hockey program, and she would be bored out of her mind here. Our kids records typically are 1 or 2 wins a season. Also, my daughter has never done well when she is the best one in anything. She plays down to the level of the other kids. So the concept of "being a star" or "being a leader" I don't really see as helping her other than being selfish. If it were MY strong Christian parents, I'd send her in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, my parents' city hockey program is just as "fine" as ours. My father-in-law and I have not gotten along so well, and he is an atheist. THAT is my biggest roadblock. It's not like he'll try to convert her to atheism, and I've already told her that's why I'm hesitating. He also knows where I stand on Christianity. And we agree to never talk about the issue. She would be going to school, going home to do schoolwork, participating in sports, and coming home on the weekends/vacations/summer. Last point to mention: She is not allowed to change her mind, by WI state rules for sports. If she practices even ONE time with any team, she "commits" to that team for one year from that date. If she wants to switch teams, she has to sit out of any sports or activities for one full year from the last time she played with a team. So basically, our decision is for the remainder of her high school years. FEEDBACK??? Me, pick me, I think I can help! I'll rephrase and you'll see what I think: Could I send my non-replaceable daughter, the gift God gave for me to raise to the glory of HIM, to live with a non-believer at a very critical stage of her life for the sole purpose of being good at a sport? ANd would that message send her the message that sports are important, so important that you would compromise your whole belief system and put her under the authority of a godless man. Hm. No. It would be incredibly unwise from a God honoring, train them up to what they should be, honor Him in what you say and do, keep Christ as your compass perspective. Don't think about what you want your daughter to DO but who you want her to BE. I think sports are GREAT. I think they CAN help shape who a child becomes. But at the cost you're talking about? Absolutely not. Pray about this one mama. And I want to kindly, gently add to be careful of where to turn for counsel. Listening to someone whose compass is not Christ and it is not pointing in the direction you need to be looking/heading is dangerous business. (Donning my flame suit) I don't blame you for asking in an open forum as I would be really confused as well, but do keep in mind that sometimes advice you get isn't coming from someone following the same roadmap. Something like sports could truly be another family's "ultimate." As Christians I think we can do MANY things (including sports) to the glory of Him who made us. But, when that thing becomes GREATER than serving Him in the roles He put us in (daughter, mother, counselor, etc) than that thing has become an idol and we've placed it on an altar, IMO. Edited March 31, 2012 by BlsdMama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starwarsmomma Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I did not read any of the responses, so forgive me if this has been said. I would NOT send my child anywhere for any "benefit" if the coast was to possibly risk their relationship with Christ. Nothing is worth more than my child's salvation. Sorry, that's just my 2 cents. :D Ducking back out now, before I get dogpiled. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KinderSafari Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 We have until the end of June to confirm open enrollment. I definitely see really valid points both ways and we change our mind from day to day (but we don't tell our daughter!) We tell her we are taking all the time we are allowed before we make our decision. Hopefully God will make it clearer to us before our deadline! Influence is huge. Especially in the teenage years. Influence of a grandparent. Influence away from home where I can't control it as much. Predicting the future just doesn't come naturally to me. :) At some point I need to let the kids be more independent. Should it be 18 years old - just black and white like that? If any of my kids would be fine, it would be her. I'm pretty sure. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I wouldn't do it. Not just for hockey. If it were hockey+a superior educational environment+a superior social environment (better quality of kids)+excellent role models on hand 24 hours a day, then yes, I would. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) nm Edited March 31, 2012 by Perry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KinderSafari Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 NOW, let's re-word this. Instead of say, sending her away because of a SPORT, what if I sent her away because of a fantastic scholastic/academic opportunity? Say,they have a fabulous academic program and kids in those classes score phenomonally on the ACT/SAT whatever, and she is an ace math student and we have horrible math teachers here. I don't know, I'm making this up. It seems to me a lot of response I'm getting (from friends) is - you'd do this for a SPORT?! I'd do this because THIS is the thing my child is passionate about, and does very well in, and I'm researching the different options available. I don't want someone to call us a "traitor". I don't want someone to say we're ridiculous for considering a change for "just a sport". I want someone to ask us the REAL questions. (Of course, this is my thread so I get to decide what's real. :) ) Like the questions you've been asking. :) WEIGH the influences. HOW MUCH do you trust her? HOW responsible is she? WHAT is GOD putting on your heart? COULD IT BE that God IS calling her to go there? COULD IT BE that God is calling us to let her go? Or would the only thing God would want is for her to be here? 24/7? Until she is 18? That magic age of wisdom for the era we're currently living in? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Forgive me if I sound cranky, I don't mean to... It sounds like the grandfather is caring for the grandmother, and so by and large your daughter would be left to her own devices at least 5 days a week, yes? Can we play the What If game? What if she gets a boyfriend or falls in with the wrong crowd? Granddad is busy with Grandmom and doesn't notice or doesn't know what do to about it. What if the boyfriend or wrong crowd causes something irrevocable in your daughter's life, that you couldn't see coming because you weren't there? Age 15 through end of high school? Lots of bad stuff can happen. They're still kids, as much as you want to believe they're not. What if she feels like she can't change her mind if it turns out that the experience of moving and playing and socializing at this school are not the rosy path of rainbows you both imagine? You are putting a lot of pressure on her about the next several years of her life based on this one decision. What if, outside of the influence of her Christian parents, her life takes a turn for the worse? It can and does happen, even with parents in the house, but certainly is more likely when no eyes are watching. Obviously, you will do what you think is best. I am just fearful for your daughter. I was a "really good kid" in high school, but I did some stuff that could have had disastrous consequences. There but for the grace of God... and maybe the ever-present support of my parents... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 No where is more beneficial for a child to be than with parents. Assuming you aren't child beaters, serial killers or cannibals. :iagree: I work at a school with boarding students. Their parents send them here either so they can learn English, get an American education and possibly go to an American university OR because the parents are missionaries in other countries where there are not good education options for their kids. Let me tell you, I see a lot of messed up kids with an excellent education but LOADS of resentment and emotional issues from being away from their parents. I would do a lot for my child in this situation, like move the family if necessary, but a child belongs with their parents. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 :iagree: I work at a school with boarding students. Their parents send them here either so they can learn English, get an American education and possibly go to an American university OR because the parents are missionaries in other countries where there are not good education options for their kids. Let me tell you, I see a lot of messed up kids with an excellent education but LOADS of resentment and emotional issues from being away from their parents. I would do a lot for my child in this situation, like move the family if necessary, but a child belongs with their parents. . Being sent to a boarding school, possibly against your wishes, is very different than living with grandparents while playing the sport that you love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 How is your daughter's relationship with her grandparents? Are they close? How do they feel about having her live with them (especially given your MIL's health)? Has she stayed with them for long stretches before? Have they hosted other grandchildren for extended periods (i.e., have they had a teenager in the house recently)? These factors would all be hugely important to me in making this sort of decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 No, I would not. :iagree: but it seems like you have made up your mind. NOW, let's re-word this. Instead of say, sending her away because of a SPORT, what if I sent her away because of a fantastic scholastic/academic opportunity? Say,they have a fabulous academic program and kids in those classes score phenomonally on the ACT/SAT whatever, and she is an ace math student and we have horrible math teachers here. I don't know, I'm making this up. It seems to me a lot of response I'm getting (from friends) is - you'd do this for a SPORT?! I'd do this because THIS is the thing my child is passionate about, and does very well in, and I'm researching the different options available. I don't want someone to call us a "traitor". I don't want someone to say we're ridiculous for considering a change for "just a sport". I want someone to ask us the REAL questions. (Of course, this is my thread so I get to decide what's real. :) ) Like the questions you've been asking. :) WEIGH the influences. HOW MUCH do you trust her? HOW responsible is she? WHAT is GOD putting on your heart? COULD IT BE that God IS calling her to go there? COULD IT BE that God is calling us to let her go? Or would the only thing God would want is for her to be here? 24/7? Until she is 18? That magic age of wisdom for the era we're currently living in? :) For what it's worth, it isn't the fact that it's for a sport that made me say no. It's the fact that these will be the last years you have with your daughter before she goes out into the world. I can't imagine giving up those years. Everything seems so certain now, but you don't know what those years will bring. Like it or not, your influence will become less important over the next few years whether she lives with you or not. It's the natural course of things that peers and independence will become increasingly important in the teenage years but, on top of that, effectively removing your influence in her life for the vast majority of the year? I wouldn't do it. No way. And, strangely enough (because I'm agnostic :tongue_smilie:), I agree with Kelly (BlsdMama). I don't personally have any problem with the fact that your FIL is an atheist. I actually want my kids to be exposed to people from a wide range of religions, financial situations, ethnicities, etc. It makes for a richer existence and better opportunities for discussing the "real life." However, I would have a serious problem with the idea of sacrificing my last few years of being in an optimal position to influence the heart and mind of my daughter. Or to just be an ear. The honor of being the ear. You know her now. Three years is a long time. There will be so much you won't know. So much there won't be time to tell. So many friends you might never meet. So much you will be unable to fully understand about her life because you will only be involved in a small fraction of it. So many, "How was your day?" conversations that won't even come close to telling the whole story of who she is becoming. It's not about control for me. It's not just about physical distance. It's about emotional distance. I can't imagine the drift that your relationship would naturally experience because of a choice to separate from your daughter for those last, potentially most important years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Me, pick me, I think I can help! I'll rephrase and you'll see what I think: Could I send my non-replaceable daughter, the gift God gave for me to raise to the glory of HIM, to live with a non-believer at a very critical stage of her life for the sole purpose of being good at a sport? ANd would that message send her the message that sports are important, so important that you would compromise your whole belief system and put her under the authority of a godless man. Hm. No. It would be incredibly unwise from a God honoring, train them up to what they should be, honor Him in what you say and do, keep Christ as your compass perspective. Don't think about what you want your daughter to DO but who you want her to BE. I think sports are GREAT. I think they CAN help shape who a child becomes. But at the cost you're talking about? Absolutely not. Pray about this one mama. And I want to kindly, gently add to be careful of where to turn for counsel. Listening to someone whose compass is not Christ and it is not pointing in the direction you need to be looking/heading is dangerous business. (Donning my flame suit) I don't blame you for asking in an open forum as I would be really confused as well, but do keep in mind that sometimes advice you get isn't coming from someone following the same roadmap. Something like sports could truly be another family's "ultimate." As Christians I think we can do MANY things (including sports) to the glory of Him who made us. But, when that thing becomes GREATER than serving Him in the roles He put us in (daughter, mother, counselor, etc) than that thing has become an idol and we've placed it on an altar, IMO. :iagree: especially the last paragraph. If she's really that good (Olympic level) she will get noticed and will go where she needs to - great high school team or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 And to add for your other questions - I wouldn't do it for a sport, a skill, theater, dance, ballet, or an academic reason. I went to boarding school for all of high school. It was good for me - but to say it could be a MINEFIELD is an understatement. Sending a kid to a distracted, unbelievinging, though well-intentioned grandparent - no dice. Dire circumstances, maybe. To possibly open a couple of doors that should open anyway, no. Not worth the risk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 NOW, let's re-word this. Instead of say, sending her away because of a SPORT, what if I sent her away because of a fantastic scholastic/academic opportunity? Say,they have a fabulous academic program and kids in those classes score phenomonally on the ACT/SAT whatever, and she is an ace math student and we have horrible math teachers here. I don't know, I'm making this up. It seems to me a lot of response I'm getting (from friends) is - you'd do this for a SPORT?! I'd do this because THIS is the thing my child is passionate about, and does very well in, and I'm researching the different options available. I don't want someone to call us a "traitor". I don't want someone to say we're ridiculous for considering a change for "just a sport". I want someone to ask us the REAL questions. (Of course, this is my thread so I get to decide what's real. :) ) Like the questions you've been asking. :) WEIGH the influences. HOW MUCH do you trust her? HOW responsible is she? WHAT is GOD putting on your heart? COULD IT BE that God IS calling her to go there? COULD IT BE that God is calling us to let her go? Or would the only thing God would want is for her to be here? 24/7? Until she is 18? That magic age of wisdom for the era we're currently living in? :) I would not do it for sports, and I would not do it for academics either. It's not even so much about FIL's beliefs - or lack thereof. It's about all that time away from her family. If you feel your daughter is being called to go to her grandfather, let her go see him some weekends. If you are thinking about having her live there for 4 years, I would strongly suggest having her spend her spring break living there, and as many weekends as you can between now and when you have to decide. It might help to make the decision very clear for her - one way or the other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Being sent to a boarding school, possibly against your wishes, is very different than living with grandparents while playing the sport that you love. :iagree: Good grief. But again - it's not uncommon for my culture, despite our strong filial ties, so apparently peoples' mileage will vary. Considerably LOL. I've benefitted greatly, and hold no ill will towards my parents, for being sent to live with relatives at various points during my life. But, my parents see wisdom in the collect (as do I.) They weren't going to limit our opportunities on the altar of independence or the delusion that they alone are capable of -or even always the best and only ones for- loving, guiding, and mentoring us well. So family culture will play a role, too. FWIW, I'm not Christian. I've never been, but I married and am raising Catholics. I do understand that this -belief in eternal salvation- is extremely important. It's definitely a hill to die on (apropos for this coming week?) so if that's the main concern ... keep the child home, unapologetically. But if the parent isn't worried about the athiest challenging the Christian beliefs of the girl, why rule out an opportunity based on an unlikely what-if? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I would send her to stay with him for a couple of weeks before she has to decide and let how that goes inform your decision. I would consider doing the same for my child if the situation came up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Splinter Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 In this case, I think a prep school might be your best option. If your daughter is good enough to go away to play, she shouldn't have any problem getting a scholarship to cover all of her expenses. It sounds like a lot for your FIL to take on, and a prep school would ensure that she is supervised, makes friends, eats well and trains well. My kids play hockey too, and my oldest is already standing out from his peers, so I'm pretty sure we'll come across the same issue in 4 or 5 years. Where we live, he'd have to go away at some point and I'd much rather send him to a prep school at 14 or 15 than somewhere to play junior hockey at 16 or 17. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 My thought is that they will be in my home, under my (and dh's, of course) influence for a limited number of years in their life. I intend to make the most of that time, and wouldn't shorten it for a sport. That is just me, and I know other people who love their children just as much and choose differently. :iagree:But I'm a bigot. If it were being an amazing violinist, I would consider it, but not over mere sport. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenneinCA Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I would do whatever it takes to allow my children to follow his/her passion. While it is true that they are only in my care for a short time, it is also true that they have the freedom to follow their passions for a short time too. Too soon the pressures of paying bills and being an adult will arrive and there won't be time to do the things they love. I want my kids to be know that I respected their dreams and that I did everything I could to allow their dreams to be reality even if only for a short time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I would. It could mean a full scholarship in college, and that's nothing to turn your nose up at. As long as it was something that dd wanted (she wasn't being pushed into it), there was an agreement with gf to not discuss his beliefs, and dd was coming home on weekends to go to church, I would say 'yes.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I have not read all the replies so I may be repeating some. For me, it would depend on the temperament of my child... Is this a kid who won't be easily swayed by those around her or one who I feel would need my input and closeness regularly? Is she someone who would get home-sick being away? Is she motivated and passionate about the activity (in this case hockey...but it could easily be anything like academics or music) or is she just really good at it? Will she work hard to improve and is she looking forward to the challenge or does she like being "big fish" in her small pond? I did read many responses saying they wouldn't do it for a sport but it wouldn't make a difference to me whether it was my son's wrestling or one of my other two with their music. 10th grade is old enough, if the child has the right temperament to make the most of the situation and still be true to themselves. If I felt my child had the potential to excel and they were passionate about the activity, I would send my 10th grader to live with a relative in the way you are describing especially if it had the potential to help her with receiving a scholarship for college. It wouldn't be easy and would take a lot of soul searching and discussion with my child to answer the above questions before I did, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Your dd has a God-given talent. Seems a shame to consider wasting it because one is afraid that she will walk away from God. I think God is big enough to protect her if you ask Him to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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