Would you send your child to live somewhere else for their benefit?

[JessReplanted]

Absolutely not. She only has 2 or 3 very important years left at home.

[LibraryLover]

My father would forget there was a kid in the house. ;), I'd be fine with a child living with my mother during the week. One of my kids would chew an arm off if they had to live away from home, while another would live in a car to follow a passion.

Edited April 4, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Dmmetler]

I would have given anything in 10th grade to be allowed to go to a high school for the performing arts where I could have focused on music. It was my passion, my dream, and what I loved, and while I was taking college classes and studying with excellent college faculty, I was spending my academic days in a math/science focused high school program, which, while it met my academic needs, left me feeling disconnected, like I was the one person in the world who felt the way I did, because I didn't share the passion of the kids in that program.

 

If hockey is your daughter's passion, I think she should be allowed to follow it. I do agree that a prep school with a strong program might be a better choice than living with a grandparent who is already caring for a spouse with MS, though-that sounds, to me, like possibly too little supervision for a 15/16 yr old.

[bbmom]

Did you ever contact the coach who approached you when she was in 8th grade? I am assuming he is local-is there any opportunity there? That is the first avenue I would check into, but if that is not an option at this point, then yes, I would consider sending her. I am assuming your FIL is a moral person with good judgement and I imagine her weekdays would be so busy with hockey that she would not have time for much else. I would go pick her up Friday afternoons after her practice or game and bring her home for the weekend so any Friday evening activities with friends who you don't know are off the table. She would still be able to attend church with the family on the weekends and I think any challenges to her faith are less likely to come at15 than later-I think college is a much bigger challenge than living with an atheist grandfather who has agreed to remain mum on the topic. Video skype with her lots, call or send texts at night and pray together, send prayers, email daily devotionals, etc.

[Pippen]

I would have given anything in 10th grade to be allowed to go to a high school for the performing arts where I could have focused on music. It was my passion, my dream, and what I loved, and while I was taking college classes and studying with excellent college faculty, I was spending my academic days in a math/science focused high school program, which, while it met my academic needs, left me feeling disconnected, like I was the one person in the world who felt the way I did, because I didn't share the passion of the kids in that program.

 

If hockey is your daughter's passion, I think she should be allowed to follow it. I do agree that a prep school with a strong program might be a better choice than living with a grandparent who is already caring for a spouse with MS, though-that sounds, to me, like possibly too little supervision for a 15/16 yr old.

 

:iagree: I would opt for a prep school over a living arrangement with a FIL who I didn't have a good relationship with, who also has a very different world view than that of our family.

[love2read]

Improved hockey skills and increased attractiveness to colleges

or

Deeper relationship with God and parents

 

another way to look at it

 

Direct or indirect agnostic brainwashing

or

Increasing honor and respect for parents and God

[Jennifer in MI]

Are you sure there are no travel teams in your area? We have a bunch around here. The downside is that some of them are quite a drive.

 

I think I would exhaust any and all local opportunities first. I'd take my child's wishes into consideration and then make a decision. It'd be tough, to be sure!!

 

Good luck with the decision.

[BlsdMama]

NOW, let's re-word this.

 

Instead of say, sending her away because of a SPORT, what if I sent her away because of a fantastic scholastic/academic opportunity?

 

It seems to me a lot of response I'm getting (from friends) is - you'd do this for a SPORT?!

 

I'd do this because THIS is the thing my child is passionate about, and does very well in, and I'm researching the different options available.

 

I want someone to ask us the REAL questions. (Of course, this is my thread so I get to decide what's real. :) )

 

Like the questions you've been asking. :)

WEIGH the influences.

HOW MUCH do you trust her?

HOW responsible is she?

WHAT is GOD putting on your heart?

 

COULD IT BE that God IS calling her to go there?

COULD IT BE that God is calling us to let her go?

 

Or would the only thing God would want is for her to be here? 24/7? Until she is 18? That magic age of wisdom for the era we're currently living in? :)

 

There is no magic age of 18, however, 15 is filled with turmoil of figuring out who she is and a lot of insecurity in an American girl.

 

I will tell you that it especially concerns me that your child "plays down" to the level of the girls around her rather than trying to play up to her individual ability. To me, it COULD speak of humbleness and not wanting to outshine anyone, a noble characteristic. It could also be a girl that likes to fit in and worries that people will resent her academic ability. Even a trustworthy child that REALLY wants to fit in will compromise her belief system if this is the case. If I apply this to a situation without a strong parent's guidance and loving support you have the recipe for a catastrophic disaster because you will NOT be there to see warning signs or apply the brakes.

 

For me this would have nothing to do about trust or responsibility. I have a daughter. She's almost 16. She has NEVER done anything that would make me doubt my faith in her AND she is incredibly responsible. (The oldest in a big family often is.) She is very academic. Our grandparents live far away. Neither set is believers. They are culturally religious but not faith filled. Would I send her there, if it were for academic purposes? No. Right now, these final years of her time at home for me are not about academics. She pushes herself, makes her own schedule, chooses her own classes, et cetera. Now is the time for RELATIONSHIP cementing and helping her really discover who she is and what defines her and working on her spiritual walk - before she is in a very anti-Christian and potentially dangerous world. This is when she needs to be out there a little more WITH the safety bumpers of Mom and Dad putting her new world in a Christian worldview - helping her with the transition.

 

When our children are small we protect them, we shield them. When our children are a little bigger we start to teach them why we believe what we believe. These high school years they get a whole lot more freedom but that's because this is the time for us to build a context around it.

 

One of my very good friends here is an atheist. We have great discussions. At first it was dicey and I really wondered if it was a good idea to have these discussions around DD - being at such a critical age. But I realized she was going to be faced with these discussions SOON but without the value of discussion with me, the discussion of biblical values, the discussion of compass and context. These last years are SO vital and valuable because they desperately NEED to check / re-check their belief system against what they are coming up against before they are really out there on their own completely. It's also why I don't believe in having them live in utter seclusion 'til that "magic" age of 18. Do you see?

 

So what you're talking about is putting your daughter in a whole new circumstance, a new set of friends, new coping, new hockey, TONS more pressure than she is used to even if it were just internal and I think it will be BOTH internal and external, but all of this will be without the support structure and without you and DH to put your Christian spin on all these new things she's being confronted with.

 

One, if you weren't Christian, this could STILL result in a lot of anxiety and anxiety manifests itself in a lot of ways in young teens and they need support to cope. I don't think she'll have that, especially if your dad is busy with his ill wife. And so she WILL turn to someone there for support and guidance and comfort. The question is who? And what if it isn't someone you would choose? What if it ends up being a boy? What if it isn't a Christian?

 

Two, really, this is your chance to let her bowl WITH the bumper system. Yes, she can still get a gutter ball but you're definitely upping her odds at success.

 

Finally, I'd ask you to weigh the possible costs.

 

Do you see a career in hockey? Is that worth more than her walking away from her faith?

 

The reason I ask is that you are focused on the "what if" of success. I ask you what happens to the person? Could you handle if you have regrets for sending her away? I'd rather have my child play on a mediocre hockey time knowing that I did everything for her mental and faith life than knowing I did everything for her hockey life and left a gap elsewhere.

 

I do think there are those children for whom you could send as a missionary in the world at 15. But I think you wouldn't be having so many doubts if she was one.

[bbmom]

Improved hockey skills and increased attractiveness to colleges

or

Deeper relationship with God and parents

 

another way to look at it

 

Direct or indirect agnostic brainwashing

or

Increasing honor and respect for parents and God

 

This could backfire too though-if the teenager thinks that the religion aspect is what is keeping her from achieving her dream it could push her away from her parents and Christianity as well.

[bolt.]

I would absolutely not give up the majority of my physical custody and contact with a child for the sake of increasing her skills in a recreational activity -- neither sports or arts.

 

For academics -- maybe.

 

For special services for a disability -- probably.

 

For hockey-- never.

 

In my opinion, children and teens need parenting a lot more than they need sports or arts, no matter what sort of a rogue talent they display. If sports (or arts) mattered that much to me, I'd consider moving myself before I'd consider separating my child from ourselves.

[KinderSafari]

You guys are great! I knew I'd get some valuable feedback here!

 

I do not want to keep her home just because of what could POSSIBLY happen. I need to evaluate HER. Her personality. Have I (we) raised her right to be able to withstand the pressure of high school? Of any of our kids, she's the most level-headed and grounded of all our kids. Now my son, on the other hand who's 17, I don't think he'll be ready to leave the house until he's 25!

 

Also, does

Leaving parents before 18 guarantee a falling away from God and faith?

 

Maybe I'm being naive. I went to a public high school, and stayed grounded. Not because of my parents, but because of who I already was. I believe my daughter is already smarter and wiser than I was at her age. Of course, no one can predict every situation - good or bad. That's the purpose of this question - to see if there is something I hadn't considered. Some new feedback.

 

I can tell in my responses, I'm looking to send her. :)

I think because I do feel like it's similar to my approach to homeschooling has been. If my kids are good at something, or even just interested in something - I seek out the best possibility for them to learn within our community, or even outside our community if it works.

 

If her opportunity were in another state, and she wouldn't be with ANYONE she knew (think: similar to college), I would have a MUCH harder time. Her grandfather is incredibly academically intelligent and enjoys having her (any of our kids) around. He has lots of wonderful characteristics.

 

She has spent many summers, weekends, weeks there and knows the town inside and out and already made several friends there over the years who are excited to possibly have her go over to be part of the school and team.

 

I think I WOULD need to make the commitment, no matter what the cost of gas is, to drive over and pick her up Friday afternoon, and bring her back Sunday night. That's too much free time in a loosely supervised place for a teenager. It's only an hour away.

 

We also have complete access to her email and facebook accounts and we told her that would continue (told all our kids) until they're 18.

 

Yes, kids should be able to excel in any environment - whether with a good team or bad. But personality wise they don't always do that. She DOES do a little more at home than her peers, but when she is challenged by her peers she does A LOT more because she's always motivated to be the best on any team she plays for.

 

I'm sure I will be re-reading this thread several times before we make our final decision - thanks again!! So many good statements in here I'm sure I'll be stealing to explain our decision either way! :)

[2squared]

Why does she have to move for 10th grade? Couldn't she wait until she's a junior? She would have the advantage of driving herself and being a year more mature. What about waiting until senior year? Would one year be enough to play and "be seen?"

[Ksol]

I did similar as a teenager. for the same reason, hockey.

 

I don't know the specifics of what exactly you are thinking of, but in my situation, I was a west coast girl who went to a New England prep school for hockey. It was a fantastic opportunity for me. Academically, it was FAR superior to the three other high schools I went to. (my parents were going through a bankruptcy and we shuffled around a bit) I was noticed and recruited by several of the "big" hockey schools in that area.

 

I would look into prep schools over the situation with your FIL. Dorm parents really do become part of our lives and like extended family. It was a culture shock and lonely at first, but I wouldn't trade the experience. I don't know that I would send my child to live with someone who had vastly different beliefs just for the hockey. Where with the prep school, there are lots of benefits to it. Even though it is technically not supposed to be a hockey scholarship, I got almost a full ride to school, and my academics at that point, were middle of the road.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Teachin'Mine]

You guys are great! I knew I'd get some valuable feedback here!

 

I do not want to keep her home just because of what could POSSIBLY happen. I need to evaluate HER. Her personality. Have I (we) raised her right to be able to withstand the pressure of high school? Of any of our kids, she's the most level-headed and grounded of all our kids. Now my son, on the other hand who's 17, I don't think he'll be ready to leave the house until he's 25!

 

Also, does

Leaving parents before 18 guarantee a falling away from God and faith?

 

Maybe I'm being naive. I went to a public high school, and stayed grounded. Not because of my parents, but because of who I already was. I believe my daughter is already smarter and wiser than I was at her age. Of course, no one can predict every situation - good or bad. That's the purpose of this question - to see if there is something I hadn't considered. Some new feedback.

 

I can tell in my responses, I'm looking to send her. :)

I think because I do feel like it's similar to my approach to homeschooling has been. If my kids are good at something, or even just interested in something - I seek out the best possibility for them to learn within our community, or even outside our community if it works.

 

If her opportunity were in another state, and she wouldn't be with ANYONE she knew (think: similar to college), I would have a MUCH harder time. Her grandfather is incredibly academically intelligent and enjoys having her (any of our kids) around. He has lots of wonderful characteristics.

 

She has spent many summers, weekends, weeks there and knows the town inside and out and already made several friends there over the years who are excited to possibly have her go over to be part of the school and team.

 

I think I WOULD need to make the commitment, no matter what the cost of gas is, to drive over and pick her up Friday afternoon, and bring her back Sunday night. That's too much free time in a loosely supervised place for a teenager. It's only an hour away.

We also have complete access to her email and facebook accounts and we told her that would continue (told all our kids) until they're 18.

 

Yes, kids should be able to excel in any environment - whether with a good team or bad. But personality wise they don't always do that. She DOES do a little more at home than her peers, but when she is challenged by her peers she does A LOT more because she's always motivated to be the best on any team she plays for.

 

I'm sure I will be re-reading this thread several times before we make our final decision - thanks again!! So many good statements in here I'm sure I'll be stealing to explain our decision either way! :)

 

 

Would have been helpful to know the bolded earlier in the discussion. :tongue_smilie:

 

She'll only be an hour away??? Why on earth wouldn't you just drive her to school? Maybe your FIL could even meet you half way to bring her the rest of the way. Seriously, I'm baffled.

[KinderSafari]

For me, I guess it definitely is boiling down to personality. And we've told her this whole year our decision will be based MOSTLY on her behavior (personality) and how we can only GUESS that would play into a decision like that. And we told her WE will be making the decision, not her.

 

If we could switch mid-year, I'd be making the decision much quicker. The problem is once she starts playing for a high school team, she has to play for that team the rest of her high school years, or sit out a year to switch (Wisconsin high school rules). WHICH we have told her WOULD happen if we sent her, and we made a decision to bring her back home because of any poor behavior on her part.

 

She "plays down" to a different level because in the past her coaches have told her she needs to slow down her passes because the other kids can't catch them. They also told her she needs to slow down her skating for the same reason, and she needs to pass and share with the other kids and not be a puck hog. Okay, all good things - work as a team - but then, how is my daughter supposed to improve when they're telling her to play down? I also DON'T like the idea of her being the superstar, that's not right either. Last year the high school game was played like this: pass to the 2 kids who can score and let them take it. I don't like seeing that in any sport, or any activity. Feed the superstars? :tongue_smilie:

 

Our problem with her staying here would be to keep her humble!! :)

 

(Also a good learning lesson).

 

Good lessons everywhere! My pros and cons list is getting bigger! Grateful to have some black and white idea, this will NOT just be an emotional decision!

[swellmomma]

Well I have been considering this for my oldest son but for different reasons. Debating between sending him to live with his dad, or with his gramma. To be sent to live with gramma would strictly be because of a school program I found that sounds phenomenal and there is absolutely NOTHING in this region that compares. It is a recreation academy, so 5 mornings a week they do the core subjects, the 5 afternoons are option, BUT 3 of them are focused on sports and 60 afternoons of the year they are bussed out to do them. Snorkelling, rock climbing, camping, raquet sports, sledge hockey, canoeing etc the list goes on. THat is the junior high curriculum. I actually want both of my kids to go, but gramma says she will only take ds not dd. I can't give 1 that opportunity and not the other. We can not move as we are stuck with this house 2 hours from this school.

 

The ps schools out here suck, but hsing is suffereing with ds here. Homelife in general is suffering with ds here.

 

Sending him to his dad's is a whole other ball game. His dad didn't see him for 10 years. He started day visits last summer, and over nights this xmas. ds has already cancelled his most recent visit with his dad even though he had not seen him in over a month. They get a day visit easter weekend. The school is not that different from out here and all his dad cares about is how much that will drop the child support he pays. SO that is very much unlikely to happen.

 

I suspect that I will keep my kids all home and peice together a more recreation filled homeschool program though not sure how out here.

 

THat school though does sound amazing. It is only for grade 7-9. High school I would have been bringing them back home.

[KinderSafari]

Would have been helpful to know the bolded earlier in the discussion. :tongue_smilie:

 

She'll only be an hour away??? Why on earth wouldn't you just drive her to school? Maybe your FIL could even meet you half way to bring her the rest of the way. Seriously' date=' I'm baffled.[/quote']

 

 

DRIVE every day? There's something I totally hadn't thought about!

 

Okay I seriously must live in a very small town! To us, an hour away is a HUGE drive! :) Everything in town here is 5 minutes or less away. If we have to drive 1/2 an hour away we consider it "a distance". I grew up in Minneapolis where everything was an hour away (because of traffic), but haven't lived in the city for 15 years, and I've obviously become the small town girl now.

 

I'll add that to the consideration list! AND, what would be good is, we could keep that as halfway step if she did start to have poor behavior. I could make her pay us for gas as well. I'm liking this! I don't see that happening, honestly, but I love having consequences on hand and lots of options!

[KinderSafari]

:tongue_smilie:

 

I still don't know how to use this quote thing!!

 

 

I'll try again.

[stripe]

But again - it's not uncommon for my culture, despite our strong filial ties, so apparently peoples' mileage will vary. Considerably LOL.

 

I've benefitted greatly, and hold no ill will towards my parents, for being sent to live with relatives at various points during my life. But, my parents see wisdom in the collect (as do I.) They weren't going to limit our opportunities on the altar of independence or the delusion that they alone are capable of -or even always the best and only ones for- loving, guiding, and mentoring us well. So family culture will play a role, too.

I think this is incredibly insightful and explains why some people on this thread have such trouble understanding this.

 

ETA: I didn't realize we were talking about something an hour away either.

[Pippen]

Hockey games for youth take up weekends, but for high school, they typically play during the week.

 

She would turn 16 in a year, and be able to drive herself to church, youth group activities, home on weekends, etc. So I think it's really this next year I'm having a hard time with AND being away from my daily influence! It's not "TIME" for any of my kids to leave yet!! :) (I think I will always think that!)

 

One thing to keep in mind is that as she shifts her friendships, hockey team, and schooling to a new community is that there may be a shift in where she wants to spend her free time. I had a roommate my freshman year in college whose parents insisted that she come home every weekend and it was incredibly difficult for her as she was always missing out. Academically the year went well but she wound up moving home even though she didn't want to.

[momtoamiracle]

yeah, just an hour away wouldn't be too bad, even for driving. Goodness, my husband drives that every day to go to work! Would mean getting up early in the morning tho... You could probably let her spend the night a couple of nights a week maybe. Or could you meet your FIL halfway, if he's willing to do that.

 

 

 

I didn't realize it was so close by either.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Would have been helpful to know the bolded earlier in the discussion. :tongue_smilie:

 

She'll only be an hour away??? Why on earth wouldn't you just drive her to school? Maybe your FIL could even meet you half way to bring her the rest of the way. Seriously' date=' I'm baffled.[/quote']

 

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

I would. It could mean a full scholarship in college, and that's nothing to turn your nose up at.

 

I work with several people who've had kids go on with sports scholarships. One injured his shoulder badly enough he lost the scholarship. Another quit because the stress was too much (and had to move back home due to falling apart over failing). More just quit because they didn't like the school, the major, the sport (any more), the town, etc. They had picked the school for the free ride, not because they liked the school. The failure rate, with the 9 or 10 I can think of, is 100%.

 

I know this is a small sample, but I don't know that I could look at a 15 year old and decide this was worth the chance at a scholarship which is a chance at a degree. I am perhaps biased, too, because I grew up in a college town, and the sports scholarship kids tended to gladiators majoring in the simplest major there was: early child development.