Are you a Better WIFE or a Better MOTHER?

[Ottakee]

I saw this blog yesterday and thought it was quite interesting. What do you think?

 

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/03/wifey-wednesday-are-you-a-better-wife-or-a-better-mom/

[delaney]

Mother, right now at least. I have been very much working on the wife thing now that the littlest is more independent and not in need of me physically. From May 2003-Jan 2012 I was either nursing or pregnant or both. I was literally like, "If one more person needs something from me or touches me I will kill!"

Now I feel free to concentrate on DH.:001_smile:

[DawnM]

I don't even know where to start. My children will have pre-marital sex because I don't have PDA with their dad? If he sleeps on the couch that tells them to have sex early?

 

Sorry, this article lacked substance for me. I can be a good mother and a good wife and it doesn't resemble that article at all.

 

Maybe it is because I am just sick of Christianese right now.....

[Mom-ninja.]

I think her entire post is carp.

 

 

Dh and I don't have date nights. Haven't in years.

 

We have had at least one or more kids in our bed for the past 11 years.

 

I'm exhausted at the end of the day most days. So is he. We both work hard.

 

I have started going to bed with my youngest because I need it. My dh stays up and does homework.

 

 

All warning signs according to this woman. Yet, dh and I have a great marriage. Our marriage is better than other couples we see most of the time. We love each. We are affectionate to each other. We flirt. We hold hands. We kiss. We don't need date night for all that. We don't need a childless bed for that. We don't need to be filled with energy to show our affection.

 

My dh and I understand that life is full of phases. Our children need us right now. Dh and I understand that we went from "couple" to "family" when we choose to have children.

 

I don't think one has to be "better" at one role than the other. I think that's ridiculous.

 

 

I'll also say what I said to my mother when she kept harping about my kids sleeping in my bed. "If you think that the master bedroom bed is the only place to have s*x, then you lack imagination, and I feel sorry for your s*ex life." She never brought it up again.

[Mommyfaithe]

I am not so sure I am very good at either these days....sigh......

[Mommyfaithe]

I think her entire post is carp.

 

 

Dh and I don't have date nights. Haven't in years.

 

We have had at least one or more kids in our bed for the past 11 years.

 

I'm exhausted at the end of the day most days. So is he. We both work hard.

 

I have started going to bed with my youngest because I need it. My dh stays up and does homework.

 

 

All warning signs according to this woman. Yet, dh and I have a great marriage. Our marriage is better than other couples we see most of the time. We love each. We are affectionate to each other. We flirt. We hold hands. We kiss. We don't need date night for all that. We don't need a childless bed for that. We don't need to be filled with energy to show our affection.

 

My dh and I understand that life is full of phases. Our children need us right now. Dh and I understand that we went from "couple" to "family" when we choose to have children.

 

I don't think one has to be "better" at one role than the other. I think that's ridiculous.

 

 

I'll also say what I said to my mother when she kept harping about my kids sleeping in my bed. "If you think that the master bedroom bed is the only place to have s*x, then you lack imagination, and I feel sorry for your s*ex life." She never brought it up again.

 

:iagree: and :D your comment to your mom. I had to say a similarbthing years back....OH!!! She was floored.....and you should have been there when she was bugging my brother....who is paralyzed about that aspect of their marriage....HOOO BOY!!! LOL!!!!:D

[Amber in SJ]

I am a better wife than mother. Mostly because I know how to be a good wife to dh & for a good portion of my parenting life I have felt like I am making it up as I go along. For me being a good wife is easy and a joy, whereas being a good mom is hard and requires me to do things I don't want to do (starting with giving birth.)

 

Don't get me wrong; I love my children. They are an amazing source of happiness & frustration in my life. I think it has to do with why I love my husband and why I love my children. I love my children because they are mine. I am responsible for them while they are little. I grew their bodies and I have spent almost every day with them for their entire lives. I have never had to choose to love my children; loving them feels like a biological imperative. Love for one's child feels like an endless sea that simply exists because they exist. Before anyone asks, yes, I have two teenagers and two little people.

 

Loving my husband is a different matter. I chose him & he chose me. We choose everyday to love each other. The vast reservoir of love between us we have filled together, sometimes in great gushing buckets and sometimes with an eyedropper. Sometimes one of us was filling while the other was removing. He has loved me when I was unloveable. I have loved him through the same, by choice.

 

I once read an excellent book where the marriage therapist said, "When it comes to the greatest trial in your life, you either married it or gave birth to it." I believe this to be true. God knew I could handle all the trials life has to offer even with the children he will send me, as long as I have my dh by my side. I know this is flipped for other women. I don't know that one is better or healthier than another. It is just the way people are wired.

 

Just my opinion,

Amber in SJ

[itsheresomewhere]

I don't even know where to start. My children will have pre-marital sex because I don't have PDA with their dad? If he sleeps on the couch that tells them to have sex early?

 

Sorry, this article lacked substance for me. I can be a good mother and a good wife and it doesn't resemble that article at all.

 

Maybe it is because I am just sick of Christianese right now.....

 

 

:iagree:

[garddwr]

I don't think it's a matter of being better at one than the other. The two roles are intertwined, at least for me--my husband and I are in the middle of what for us is a mutual mission or calling--that of raising a family. Because we have several young children, and because children require many kinds of support, sustenance, and instruction, both of our lives are for this time largely centered around providing those. As a mother at home, this means most of my time is in some way given to the needs of my children and the family as a whole, whether through direct interaction or taking care of logistical needs. For my husband, it means that he alone is carrying the load of financially supporting the family. When dh is not at work, he also spends a large portion of his time with the children--reading to them, playing with them, taking them on outings, changing diapers--being a father. I see this time in our lives as a time of parenting, and I see that as a joint calling. I believe my husband shares this vision. In mothering his children I AM being his wife--and can I just say I never feel more love for my husband than when I see him acting as a good father to our children.

If we were never spending any time together, never talking, never cuddling, I can see how the marriage itself could suffer--but I personally feel that it is working together for the joint good of the family, more than carving out lots of time just to focus on each other, that builds the strongest foundation for our marriage.

 

--Sarah

[Amber in SJ]

I only skimmed the article. My answer is based on my experience with the question.

 

Amber in SJ

[3browneyedboys4me]

Well, I didn't read the entire article. So, I should say that first. But, what I did read was so sexist. Basically, she is implying that a happy, healthy marriage is completely the *wife's* job?! Seriously? So, if I want to model a healthy marriage image to my children, I just need to do less for them and more for him- eeeek! That's just not cool.

 

 

Why not ask the question: "Are you a better father or husband?". Why are we still blaming women for their choices in marriages and the result of failed marriages? WHY???? Has it ever occurred to others that maybe if fathers were more hands on mothers wouldn't be so stinkin tired at the end of the day that they would have *something* left?

 

Oh...these women and articles just are so very insulting! Personally, I think in a healthy marriage both man and woman acknowledge that the young yrs with little children are hard. They will just have to both put their needs aside for a time. I think that marriages get into trouble when they have unrealistic expectations for each other. Children mean change. Grow up and deal with it.

 

Obviously, I'm not implying that if someone is seriously being neglectful to their spouse, but just in a general way of being busy. If someone is intentionally being neglectful and disconnecting from their partner, that is a diff. story, but that is not what I am reading in this article. The article seems to be implying a general 'busy'ness of life that mother's have to deal with.

 

just my 2cents!

[Momma2Many66]

I am a better mother than wife. I put everything of me into my kids.

 

I know it isn't the recommended way to do things or even ideal for a marraige, but it is what it is for me.

 

My kids get all of me all of the time.

 

And I have created some really wonderful and well behaved kids :D

 

My husband and I were both raised by parents who were "all about themselves" and we kids were always on the bottom of that list.

 

I can give 100% of myself to only one thing at a time, at this season in my life my husband and I both agree the kids get that 100%.

 

Thankfully for me my husband is not a very needy man and he does not like a clingy or doting wife. He is very self sufficient and independent and he wants me to be there for our children 100%.

 

When the last one is up and gone in 10 years, then I will pour that 100% into my husband. We plan to get a boat and do a lot of fishing !! :lol:

[FO4UR]

I think her entire post is carp.

 

 

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

 

It reads = If woman isn't perfectly perfect then her husband will whine and then the kids will all have sex in high school.:001_huh:

 

 

Maybe the kids will be turned off of the idea of marriage b/c they see one spouse whining in the basement while the other does all the work...just sayin':tongue_smilie:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I read a chunk of the article, and I'm not on board with her philosophy.

 

But, I'd have to say that right now in our lives, I'm a much better mother than wife. It will probably swing back when the kids are a little older.

 

But, frankly, I just do the best I can and don't really worry about whether I'm a better wife or mother.

[mommaduck]

I think we all have strength and weakness in both areas. It's sad that there would even be a comparison when circumstances and other of life's balls that are thrown at us are not even taken into consideration.

[Elinor Everywhere]

 

Maybe it is because I am just sick of Christianese right now.....

 

THIS. This. A thousand times: this.

 

It keeps me away from my homeschooling group and honestly, church ladies in general. My choices, I know, but I just can't take it anymore.

[Elinor Everywhere]

I'll also say what I said to my mother when she kept harping about my kids sleeping in my bed. "If you think that the master bedroom bed is the only place to have s*x, then you lack imagination, and I feel sorry for your s*ex life." She never brought it up again.

 

:lol::lol::rofl::rofl:

 

Honestly, cheers to you - hilarious! :cheers2:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am a good wife and a good mother. But dh and I are the ones who determine what makes me a good wife and he a good husband. And to some degree, my kids are the ones who determine what makes me a good mother. I say that because while there may be things I do and say that are shared by other good mothers and good wives, I am a mother and a wife to specific individuals. And I am a specific individual - not a role.

[Sk8ermaiden]

Well, I didn't read the entire article. So, I should say that first. But, what I did read was so sexist. Basically, she is implying that a happy, healthy marriage is completely the *wife's* job?! Seriously? So, if I want to model a healthy marriage image to my children, I just need to do less for them and more for him- eeeek! That's just not cool.

 

Yeah, look at the source. :glare:

 

I am a better mother than wife. Because mothering comes SO MUCH easier to me than the wifey stuff. It comes more naturally to me and I am better at it than anything else I have ever done.

 

But that doesn't mean I am not a good wife. I am a great wife. I have a really great marriage. And we do do date nights, PDA, etc. YES we have a kid in our bed, but in our house, beds are pretty much only for sleeping, so that has never factored in. Kid in bed=more sleep and everyone is happier for that.

[AuntieM]

I am a good wife and a good mother. But dh and I are the ones who determine what makes me a good wife and he a good husband. And to some degree, my kids are the ones who determine what makes me a good mother. I say that because while there may be things I do and say that are shared by other good mothers and good wives, I am a mother and a wife to specific individuals. And I am a specific individual - not a role.

 

:iagree:

 

Well said, Jean. And to add a bit, I have grown weary of thinking that I have to meet the expectations of wifely behavior of someone who is not even my husband! Mind your own business, dangit!

[stripe]

Barf. "You cannot be a good mother unless you're a good wife" -- yes you can. Having a nice relationship with the father of your kids may be "your best gift" to a kid (debatable, but let's just accept it for the moment) but it is not necessary, in my experience. I hate statements like this, though.

 

I do think there can be a tendency to idolize caring mothers, and put down caring wives as doormats, but I just don't agree.

[Ecclecticmum]

I was doing okay for the first.....sentence lol.

 

My mother told me she loved my stepfather more than me, right to my face, after my bio dad dumped me on her doorstep. I think her saying that hurt more than anything else, so I very much disagree with her thoughts.

 

She paid attention to her husband, little attention to me. After always receiving A's, making art projects, reading upsidedown in kindy, constantly being honor-roll in high school, everything I did was followed with a "thats nice dear" whilst not even looking in my direction. But anything her husband said she held onto with every word. This made me rebel, see how far I could go before I got attention and some kind of twisted love.

 

But somehow in the midst of all my childhood tragedies (a lot are horror stories) I seem to have turned out okay. I have a wonderful husband who adores me, 3 beautiful, bright, eager children, 2 sappy dogs, 2 fluffy cats and a sparrow in a willow tree (sounding a bit like days of christmas LOL!) So I think the whole idea on there is a generalisation that isn't true. I have many people who have had messed up childhoods and turned out to be wonderful members of society and a lot of people that come from good homes who turn out to be bad apples.

 

You can't generalise how a child is going to turn out by following a checklist of ideals for the perfect 50's marriage. Nurturing, paying attention, loving your child, and most importantly listening to them every step of the way, would be a good way to start.

[Peaceful Isle]

I did not read the article, but I will answer the question. ;)

 

Honestly, I have never really thought about which one I am better at. I guess I love my dh and dc in different ways.

 

One special moment was a few days ago - my dd7 was painting a shirt, and when she was done she brought it over to me. It said - "mom + dad= love"

 

That being said, dh and I are very busy, I feel like we never have enough time together, a lot of times, I go to bed before him, because of his work schedule.

I think children know and can feel a loving family, despite all the "things" we are "supposed" to do to show them we love each other.

Like I said, I did not read the article. Don't really want to:D

[stripe]

I've also told my husband that I'll always be my kids' mother. Marriages can end. Motherhood never does.

 

Besides, my husband is crazy about his mother!

[Desert Rat]

I am not so sure I am very good at either these days....sigh......

 

I was thinking the exact same thing! For the first time ever I am taking an unscheduled week off next week. I'm a hot mess right now. I've forgotten kids' classes. I showed up too late for soccer practice, made dumb mistakes left and right. It just isn't like me. I'm a snappy, mean wife to my dh who is out of town (which is a large part of the problem) and a disengaged mom because I've got too much on my plate.

 

Time for a break and some wine and whine. :lol:

[KungFuPanda]

Ewwww. I didn't care for the article. It basically takes one person and makes it her JOB to serve all of the other people in the house and judges her by who she is serving the most. Anytime articles like these forget that Mom is a PERSON I disregard them as a bad example for the children. It takes two to run a marriage and it takes participation from the whole family to run a successful family.

[justLisa]

When I am a better ME, I am a better BOTH.

 

That article is just ICK.

 

The time I have with DH is very special and I absolutely love and cherish every night we have to ourselves. I love and cherish my children. I give the best of me I have, to ALL of my relationships.

[SailorMom]

Well - I skimmed - but the basic premise (that having a good relationship with your spouse is beneficial to your kids) I agree completely with.

We have always taken time for just each other. Gone on dates, even long trip without our kids. And I tell my kids all the time that they need to appreciate that our relationship is important. Not just to us - but to them as well.

My DH will be here after my boys have gone to college. My boys are not going to want "mommy" wanting their attention all the time. I want a good relationship with them as adults - but I don't want my happiness dependent on them. DH and I keep our relationship front and center now so that it won't have degraded over years of putting the kids first all the time.

And anyway - (for me - i'm not saying this has to be the way it is for anyone else) I'm a better mother because I am a good companion to my DH.

[nukeswife]

Right now for the last 7 months and the next 4 months I'll be a better mother/father than wife, but that's because dh is 7000 miles away. All he needs from me is an email every few days letting him know we're all still here, ok and that we would love for the Navy to give him back when they are done with him.

 

My kids need me 100% because at this time I'm all they have, we have no family near by to step in. My kids are old enough to allow me to go out by myself to run errands or something like that but I'm not a person that needs a lot of ME time.

 

They actually go a parent night out thing every month and when dh is gone I'm usually trying to figure out what I'll do with myself for those 3 hours.

 

Dh and I are very affectionate when he's around but it's not so that my kids will suddenly realize that casual sex isn't such a good idea if you're not mature enough to handle the emotions and consequences of it.

 

I think the article was a bunch of bunk.

[Mommyof4ks]

Sadly, I am a better mother at this point in my life. My wife role is getting better now that the kids are getting older.

[Alice]

 

My dh and I understand that life is full of phases. Our children need us right now. Dh and I understand that we went from "couple" to "family" when we choose to have children.

 

I don't think one has to be "better" at one role than the other. I think that's ridiculous.

 

 

I am a good wife and a good mother. But dh and I are the ones who determine what makes me a good wife and he a good husband. And to some degree, my kids are the ones who determine what makes me a good mother. I say that because while there may be things I do and say that are shared by other good mothers and good wives, I am a mother and a wife to specific individuals. And I am a specific individual - not a role.

 

:iagree:

 

Having grown up in a home with parents who fought a lot, I do think it's good for kids to know that their parents like each other. However, I see it more that dh and I are a team. We like being together, we like being with the kids. It's not a "one or the other" kind of approach.

[PeacefulChaos]

I'd say I'm a better wife. :)

 

ETA: Oh, and tbh, I only skimmed her article/blog post/whatever it was. It was a lot of blah blah blah to me...

plus, she lost me when I noticed the words 'date night'.

I despise the date night idea. So after that, I really didn't pay much attention, even to the bit I skimmed. :)

My answer is just based on who I think I have the best relationship with, honestly. :lol: I don't have to fuss at DH like I do the kids. :lol: :D

Oh, and I forgot to add, I don't like any idea that implies our worlds should revolve around our children. I don't want my children thinking ANY world revolves around them. :) So I guess I'm pretty balanced in my decisions about parenting - I don't believe in the ideas of vacations without the kids (why wouldn't I take them?!) and I like doing as much with them as possible, but not to the point where they think everything is all about them. I just don't think that's what we're supposed to do as parents. :)

Edited March 29, 2012 by PeacefulChaos

[kathymuggle]

right off the top of my head: better mother.

 

I did not read the article - based on what others have said I am not sure I am missing anything!

Edited March 29, 2012 by kathymuggle

[CupOCoffee]

I didn't even READ the article, but I am going to have some fun anyway!

 

 

Loving my husband is a different matter. I chose him & he chose me. We choose everyday to love each other. The vast reservoir of love between us we have filled together, sometimes in great gushing buckets and sometimes with an eyedropper. Sometimes one of us was filling while the other was removing. He has loved me when I was unloveable. I have loved him through the same, by choice.

 

 

Amber in SJ

 

Oh my! A thousand-million-billion times: THAT!!! Someone else said that it's all about seasons, your life ebbs and flows and sometimes one thing IS more important. But mostly: what Amber said!!

 

:iagree:

 

 

 

It reads = If woman isn't perfectly perfect then her husband will whine and then the kids will all have sex in high school.:001_huh:

 

 

Maybe the kids will be turned off of the idea of marriage b/c they see one spouse whining in the basement while the other does all the work...just sayin':tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: Yeah, the kids are watching all the time, and listening: they are NOT stupid!!

 

 

Yep, I figured it would be a lot of blah blah blah and Christianese (and hey, I am a Christian, but I get tired of it too). But I have to fuss at the kids AND DH :tongue_smilie:

 

Sigh. All we have to be is the best that we NEED to be at the moment. Sometimes that will mean we are better mothers, and sometimes that will mean we are better wives. It's real life, not 50's make believe television shows!

 

~coffee~

[Ottakee]

Well - I skimmed - but the basic premise (that having a good relationship with your spouse is beneficial to your kids) I agree completely with.

DH and I keep our relationship front and center now so that it won't have degraded over years of putting the kids first all the time.

And anyway - (for me - i'm not saying this has to be the way it is for anyone else) I'm a better mother because I am a good companion to my DH.

 

This is where I was headed with this thread. I was honestly surprised that almost all of the other comments were negative to her blog post.

 

I agree that kids take your time and sometimes you just have to focus on their needs---believe me, as the parent of 3 special needs kids, including 2 that were medically fragile as infants/toddlers, I get this.........BUT I have seen in many families where the mom puts the kids first and dad gets what is left over or just gets lumped in with the kids as she parents him too.

 

Dh and I are really working on making time for each other and our relationship. Just little things like last week when the weather was 40 degrees above normal we sat outside in the evening on the swing by the pond and talked for 1/2 hour while the kids were in the house watching TV.

 

Our kids still get lots of our time and energy but we want to make sure that our relationship gets attention too.

[angela in ohio]

Well, I think being a good wife makes me a better mother, so both. But I think part of what makes me a good mother is not giving everything in me to dc.

 

My dc will grow up and start their own lives, and dh and I will still be here together for many, many years. I want there to be something left for those years. :001_smile: I've always been careful not to get too wrapped up in only the title of mother, because I don't think that's healthy for my dc or for our family.

 

I didn't agree with all of her post, but I have seen this:

 

I have seen so many marriages that have slowly disintegrated because the kids took all the energy the mom had, and she had little left over for the husband.

 

many times. I once helped a friend find her way back out of this, and her children ended up flourishing, too. I think it's bad for our dc when we are too wrapped up in them, too.

 

Disclaimer: I think that anyone with toddlers and under is exempt. That is just a time in a marriage where extra grace needs to be extended.

[kewb]

Based on that article (which I don't agree with) I am a better mother. I know I neglect my dh something fierce most days. I do try to take the time to connect with him when we are both home (he works a lot of hours). If we are going for total honesty, based on the article I have always been a pretty lousy wife.

 

However, my dh is on board with the kids taking up most of my time and energy. We are in complete agreement that we only get these wonderful people for a short amount of time and we should be doing everything in our power to teach them to be productive members of society who know how to follow their bliss. Our oldest starts high school next year. Dd is only 2 years behind. Then they will be off to college and it will just be dh and I. Then we will have all the time in the world for each other and we are looking forward to it.

[Ottakee]

You said this better than I did but this is where I was headed with this thread.

 

It also hit us that there might not BE a tomorrow with your spouse, let alone 10 years from now when the kids are grown and out of the house. Last year dh had a heart attack and it was a wake up call for us that life can change so quickly and I don't want to wait another 5+ years to focus on dh.

 

I do think you are right though that having infants and toddlers does put extra stress on mom and should be taken into consideration. Maybe this is where moms of teens or empty nesters could come in and volunteer to help mom with the kids, babysit for a few hours once in a while (esp. with the cost of babysitters I see on this forum), etc.

[NASDAQ]

Here, let me summarise the article: Have more sex with your husband or the world will end.

[Mom-ninja.]

 

It also hit us that there might not BE a tomorrow with your spouse, let alone 10 years from now when the kids are grown and out of the house. Last year dh had a heart attack and it was a wake up call for us that life can change so quickly and I don't want to wait another 5+ years to focus on dh.

 

 

 

The same can be said for anyone. There might not be a tomorrow with your children.

[Mom-ninja.]

Here, let me summarise the article: Have more sex with your husband or the world will end.

 

 

:lol:

[EmilyinND]

This is a no-brainer for me-mother. Wish I could say I was equally good at both. That being said, I do have a strong marriage & I mess up at being a mother (as we all do). I just don't devote as much time or energy toward my husband as I do my children & he probably gets the tired, crabby side of me more.

[elegantlion]

I don't even know where to start. My children will have pre-marital sex because I don't have PDA with their dad? If he sleeps on the couch that tells them to have sex early?

 

Sorry, this article lacked substance for me. I can be a good mother and a good wife and it doesn't resemble that article at all.

 

Maybe it is because I am just sick of Christianese right now.....

 

Totally agree

 

:iagree:

 

It reads = If woman isn't perfectly perfect then her husband will whine and then the kids will all have sex in high school.:001_huh:

 

Why is it always the woman?

 

To the OP, I'm a better mother right now. Dh is a better father. It's the nature of where we are. We're fiercely devoted to raising this one precious child. We make a great team in that regard...and we're still married (read between the lines if you will). Ds sees us together because we care about each other and we have a commitment. He knows it's a conscious choice, we've discussed that.

 

Love is a two way street, parenting is a full time endeavor. I don't know, I have other feelings on the article, but I'll leave it at that.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Totally agree

 

 

 

Why is it always the woman?

 

To the OP, I'm a better mother right now. Dh is a better father. It's the nature of where we are. We're fiercely devoted to raising this one precious child. We make a great team in that regard...and we're still married (read between the lines if you will). Ds sees us together because we care about each other and we have a commitment. He knows it's a conscious choice, we've discussed that.

 

Love is a two way street, parenting is a full time endeavor. I don't know, I have other feelings on the article, but I'll leave it at that.

A friend once told me. Sometimes he is just a paycheck, and sometimes I'm just dinner.:tongue_smilie:

[elegantlion]

A friend once told me. Sometimes he is just a paycheck, and sometimes I'm just dinner.:tongue_smilie:

 

We'll I'm not doing well in the dinner department lately. :lol: I need you to come cook for me, Gretchen. I hear you make good food.

[SunnyDays]

I'd probably be counted as a downright terrible wife these days, LOL. I put lots more time into my child... that probably happens when you start homeschooling. We're still trying to find the right balance.

 

If DH wants a dinner-making, house-cleaning, smartly dressed, always happy, cooing love bunny... he's barking up the wrong tree these days, and he knows it!! :D

[StaceyinLA]

Of course, my dh married me when I had 4 small children, so I think he realized what was to come. I was all they had, and still am as a parent for all practical purposes. Dh has just never really felt he could step in and be their father.

 

He told me his goal in life was to make it possible for me to be there for my kids, and he has made it possible for me to stay home, home school, etc., even taking a second job when their dad stopped paying child support so I wouldn't have to work.

 

Now that they are mostly grown, we are starting to do more "us" things.

 

I think having a good relationship with your spouse is very critical, and certainly positive for your kids, but I also think that there is a time when the kids should naturally be the main focus. We probably extended that a little longer than many, but it was OUR choice, and we made it together. I appreciate him for never making me feel like I had to pick between him and my kids.

 

ETA: My kids have NO relationship with their bio dad (aka the sperm donor).

[Jean in Newcastle]

I keep coming back to this thread because it bugs me! My being a "good" wife is based on a relationship. I am a good wife, because I relate well to dh, not because of what I do for him. My being a "good" mom is again based on relationship. I am a good mom, because of the kind of relationship I have with my kids, not because of what I do for them. As for as getting things done, we work as a team. As far as serving others, we serve each other - because of . . . our relationship!

 

(PS. - this is what makes me a "good" Christian too - my relationship with God, not anything I do.)

 

Because I value these relationships I do set aside time to talk and listen to people and vice versa. This may be on a special date with my dh or not. It may be on special one-on-one time with my kids or not. What is important is whether or not I am actively engaged in relating to him and/or the kids.

Edited March 29, 2012 by Jean in Newcastle

[Gretchen in NJ]

We'll I'm not doing well in the dinner department lately. :lol: I need you to come cook for me, Gretchen. I hear you make good food.

I do, but my cooking didn't work so well for me.:lol:

[elegantlion]

I do, but my cooking didn't work so well for me.:lol:

 

I would love your cooking and your company. :D :D