You're kidding, right??

[lexi]

Ok, this is yet another one of those "what would you do" threads. But I would really value some feedback on this situation. And let's be honest, I would also appreciate a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear for my vent. :tongue_smilie:

 

We joined a co-op in August. We were new to the area and I really wanted to network and get out of the house more. I have a child with crazy severe allergies. I told the board of the co-op up front and they were very willing to work with us. I told them I would bring snack every time and that I needed to make sure other food wasn't brought into the room. I told them I would volunteer in my daughter's room to keep an eye on the kids.

 

So, the co-op didn't work out and I just resigned. Here's why: There seemed to be major communication breakdown as many other teachers were completely oblivious to the allergies. I had thought the board was informing everyone. Other parents brought other snacks in the room. Other parents brought milk cups. They would bring them week after week even after I asked them not to. We couldn't attend any other function of the co-op because it all involved food. People told me they would be implementing policies like the "no outside snacks" or "wiping all the kids' hands down upon entering the classroom" and none of that was happening. I felt like the only advocate for myself and my daughter.

 

The icing on the cake was when the head teacher (who had been repeatedly told about the allergies) started handing out a very unsafe snack to the kids who were complaining about the snack I brought-because it wasn't goldfish. So, while I was standing right there and with my daughter sitting next to these kids-she passed out a snack. I grabbed my kids up from all their classes and left that day. I sent them a nice but firm resignation letter explaining why I left.

 

The lady called me and apologized and said she forgot since the co-op wasn't an every week thing. :001_huh: Whatever. I don't have the luxury of forgetting about the life-threatening allergies. Sigh.....My daughter also had reactions at many of the co-ops but people seemed unconcerned and not willing to enforce the changes. Some were actually upset about the food changes even though it's a 2-hour twice a month co-op.

 

So, now I'm left here in a place that I hate living, with a child that can't participate, and with other homeschool moms who really dislike me. I should have never joined a co-op or thought we could participate. I just wanted to feel normal for a change.

 

What would you do in this situation? Do you think I'm wrong to be so upset that they won't even work with me? What do I say to these people? I'm just shocked that they can't see past the cupcakes at the valentine's party to think about what it's like for my kids. Is it wrong to think that their inability to give up food at functions is rude? I'm trying to put myself in their shoes but I'm just not able to see from their perspectives. My family inconviences them. Really?

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I try very hard to make things as normal as possible for my kiddos but the food thing is so isolating that sometimes I feel a pity party coming on. :crying:

 

The hives blog below is about the allergies if you're wondering about our list. But I just feel stuck and don't know what to do now. And I'm pretty mad too. So, if anyone has words of wisdom or a change of perspective for me, I'd appreciate it.

 

ETA: Thanks for all the replies and the perspectives. We decided to drop out of co-op for the time because I just can't feel comfortable being there. We currently do not have another co-op option but I'm wondering if a co-op will even be a possibility for us in the next few years. Staying home sounds so very appealing right now!

 

I do appreciate all the perspectives and advice. I'm still learning how to communicate our allergy info and I daily feel totally overwhelmed with the burden of being my daughter's advocate.

 

So, thanks for listening to my vent and for the sympathy. And if you're another allergy parent I'd love to chat because I still have tons of learn so please feel free to send me a private message.

Edited February 17, 2012 by lexi
Adding more.....

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: Two hours, twice a month? Do they really need to be snacking during that period. Does every get together have to revolve around food? :glare:

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[momofkhm]

No words of wisdom. But lots of :grouphug::grouphug:

 

From someone who has never had kid allergies, they are foreign to me. Unless you tell me explicitly (which is doesn't sound like the board helped you with), I just don't know. And I don't always remember to check things either. I don't know the words to look for.

 

All that being said... I meet with a co-op who meets inside a church that has a no peanut policy in the children's rooms. Everyone knows and as far as I know, everyone obeys. I was also in a preschool room for several semesters which had a Sunday school child who was allergic to milk. So no goldfish - the norm. We gave them cheerios. It was no problem. The kids complained a few times, but we just told them that this is what we had.

 

If you are bringing snack every week, I for one would not complain! I don't have an issue with no cupcakes for Valentines day. Or any other day really.

 

I'm so sorry the board wasn't helping you more! :grouphug::grouphug:

[Pink Fairy]

I'm sorry. :( I'd feel the same way. It seems like a total lack of compassion or concern on their part, and I wouldn't entrust my precious daughter to people who obviously don't give a d@mn.

[Nakia]

I agree with elegantlion. I don't get why every single activity has to have a snack! It's absurd!

 

I wish that they would have been up front with you from the start and let you know that it wouldn't be possible for them to accommodate your daughter's needs. That would have made the whole thing easier, I think.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry!

[brett_ashley]

I think you are taking this a little more personally than you should. Parents of kids who don't have allergies have NO IDEA what we go through. It often just doesn't occur to them and certainly isn't in the front of their consciousness at all times in group settings like it to us (especially in a co-op that only meets twice a month). In what ways did they express their upset feelings about your requests?

 

I'm so sorry you are hurt. I'm sorry you hate the place where you live. Hugs.

[Ellie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

What clueless people. :blink: :glare:

 

Was there anyone in the co-op that you or your dd felt a connection with? Maybe instead of a co-op y'all could do a small support group, with a monthly park day (if the weather will allow for it where you live) and some occasional field trips or whatnot.

[lexi]

:grouphug: Two hours, twice a month? Do they really need to be snacking during that period. Does every get together have to revolve around food? :glare:

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

This is how I think about it. I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

 

I just cannot get away from food and no one else seems willing to advocate for us and make a policy that they refuse to let be broken. I hate how offended people get when I talk about going food free for something. Sheesh!

 

It makes me hope that I would never have been someone like that if my kid wasn't the one with the allergies. Would I be annoyed with them? Would I be frustrated with their needs? Would I refuse to accomodate them? I hope that wouldn't have been me.

[PrincessMommy]

:grouphug: Two hours, twice a month? Do they really need to be snacking during that period. Does every get together have to revolve around food? :glare:

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

I agree. I'm sorry this happened to you. FWIW, I always felt pretty isolated at co-ops and it had nothing to do with food. I never really fit in....usually it was over religious beliefs and the fact that many went to the same church together ...but it was still no fun being the odd man out. So, I know how you feel wanting to find a place for your family to fit in.

[joannqn]

That really stinks!

 

 

It probably doesn't help, but I would bend over backwards to accommodate your food needs should you come to my house.

[Jennifer in MI]

I'm so sorry Lexi. This does seem absurd. I mean, it wasn't as if you were telling them that they couldn't have food! YOU were bringing safe things. THEY chose to put your dd in harm's way. Totally inappropriate. And sad. And isolating.

 

I pray you can find something else you can do in the area.

[Farrar]

Wait... You were going to send a snack but you wanted a no outside food rule for the other kids? That doesn't seem right... But I'm guessing there's some misstatement or something there.

 

But agreed with others that the idea that there has to be a snack for a 2 hour co-op is absurd. Just ban food and let everyone eat after. I understand that it gets tricky when kids are in a building all day or even for three or four hours, but this should have been a no brainier.

 

ETA: I reread... You were very generously going to bring the snack for everyone! Extra good grief then! How rude!

[DesertDweller]

:grouphug: Two hours, twice a month? Do they really need to be snacking during that period. Does every get together have to revolve around food? :glare:

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

We were in a coop that met once a week for three hours. There was no reason to have a snack every week or at all. Kids ate breakfast before getting there and then everyone left to do whatever they wanted for their lunch.

 

Occasionally, there would be a class that did involve food. The teacher of the class was always very good about sending home a list ahead of time about what would be served so you could opt out that day if necessary.

[BatmansWife]

I get it. :grouphug: Unfortunately, the vast majority of people won't get it and probably never will.

A few months ago, when I requested no more pb&j sandwiches at the after school library reading program my dd had just joined...one lady walked into the room in the middle of our discussion. She asked what was going on and the director informed her about the pb problem and how the kids can get it on their hands and touch the cassette players and the headphones, etc (not to mention the horribly strong pb smell that was in the room). She had this dumbfounded look on her face. :blink: She said really loudly, "Really? Peanut butter can get on their hands and then on to the audio equipment?? Huh....I never knew that." :glare: I was sitting there thinking, "Really??? You don't think that maybe even 1 out of these 14 elementary kids eating pb won't just possibly....remotely....get some on their fingers???" :glare:

By the way, I can't get either of your blog links to work.

[rieshy]

I'm so sorry. Am I right in thinking it's your 2 yo with the allergies?

 

My 5 yo doesn't have allergies, but he does have a life threatening metabolic condition that requires that he eat low fat, and no juice, and he Must snack at least every two hours- at least.

 

I have learned that I simply cannot trust anyone outside of my immediate family to remember because he looks healthy. Of course he only looks healthy because of how meticulous we are with his medical needs and diet.

 

It is isolating. Extremely isolating.

 

I offer :grouphug: and validation. it will get easier as your child grows and can begin to self-advocate.

 

In the meantime don't give a moments thought to the other moms being annoyed. Your child is too precious and your energy is too valuable.

[SKL]

I agree, for a short time period bi-weekly and with you bringing the snacks, they could have sucked it up. Kids don't need snacks at all, for Heaven's sake. Maybe it would have helped if you had briefly mentioned the rule at the beginning of each class: "as a reminder, a member of this class has allergies, so ...."

 

At the "events," if they were of the "party" variety, I think food would be hard to avoid. Perhaps you could organize an event that is not around food and invite the folks from the co-op, if you really want to hang out with them.

 

Of course I wasn't there, but sometimes when this happens, it's because too much was assumed and not enough was said. If you have a need, the best person to state it (to all concerned) may be you. It sounds to me like most of the people were just clueless because they did not get enough communication about the matter.

[NanceXToo]

I'm sorry. :(

 

I think most of the time for standard co-op meetings they could have gone without food for two hours if they didn't like the snack you brought, or ate what you brought, or touched base with you to see what other things might be ok.

 

I can understand them wanting to have "regular food" at a Valentine's Day party or some such and maybe there would have to be a compromise where you'd be able to participate in some of the things, and some of the things you wouldn't. But the way they went about it, making no effort whatsoever and totally disregarding you was wrong and really unfortunate.

 

I hope you're able to meet someone in another way, just one or two friend's even, to hook up with now and then, who are more understanding! Try meetup for other Homeschool groups (or start one!), allergy groups, see if there are Homeschool clubs or programs or leagues through the library, bowling alley, 4H, etc.

[lexi]

I think you are taking this a little more personally than you should. Parents of kids who don't have allergies have NO IDEA what we go through. It often just doesn't occur to them and certainly isn't in the front of their consciousness at all times in group settings like it to us (especially in a co-op that only meets twice a month). In what ways did they express their upset feelings about your requests?

 

I'm so sorry you are hurt. I'm sorry you hate the place where you live. Hugs.

 

I guess I'm just frustrated that I would ask specific people not to do things again-like bring snacks-and they would just keep doing it. I know they don't have to think about it daily but if I'm standing there with the snack I brought and you swoop down in front of me to give all the kids something else that you brought-how is my presence with my snack not reminding you?

 

People would just be frustrated with me and I could tell they were tired of trying to work with me. I'm not a confrontational person so I hate to constantly nag people when I've tried to ask them politely. Many times they would like at me like :001_huh: when I tried to explain. Then they would just disregard what I said. And it's not like I just get that at the co-op, it's everywhere. No one gets it. I'm just new to this and don't see how or why people won't simply respect the allergies when I explain them.

 

I don't expect people to understand, I just want them to respect us. No snack means no snack. Don't bring a milk cup to my house-means just that. Yet, people still do it!

 

So, I'm learning how to explain the allegies to people and I guess I'm not doing a good job of articulating our needs. For me, it's a fine line between not explaining the seriousness enough and being over-the-top dramatic about the life or death implications of the allergies. I can't find the middle ground.

[lexi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

What clueless people. :blink: :glare:

 

Was there anyone in the co-op that you or your dd felt a connection with? Maybe instead of a co-op y'all could do a small support group, with a monthly park day (if the weather will allow for it where you live) and some occasional field trips or whatnot.

 

We have been able to connect with a few people and we are going to try to do individual things with them. There is one family in particular that has been awesome about our allergies. They don't get it, they just accept us. It's been so nice. I wish there were more people like them.

 

So, we're trying to find a few other things that aren't food related. Unfortunately there aren't art classes in our area and I can't find a music program or something like that. I'm still looking.

 

But my sweet hubby has promised me that we're moving this year so I'm very excited about that. He doesn't like this area either but we knew we had to be here short-term for his job.

 

So, I know there are some positives.

[lexi]

That really stinks!

 

 

It probably doesn't help, but I would bend over backwards to accommodate your food needs should you come to my house.

 

Thank you JoAnn! We have one other family like this and it's been so sweet. I hope that I try to accomodate others with special needs because I know what it's like to be on the outside. It really makes you more aware......

[elegantlion]

I think you are taking this a little more personally than you should. Parents of kids who don't have allergies have NO IDEA what we go through. It often just doesn't occur to them and certainly isn't in the front of their consciousness at all times in group settings like it to us (especially in a co-op that only meets twice a month). In what ways did they express their upset feelings about your requests?

 

I'm so sorry you are hurt. I'm sorry you hate the place where you live. Hugs.

 

But it sounds like she addressed the issue with the leaders and the protocol they agreed to take did not happen. I know very little about serious food allergies. I remember the first time I heard about life threatening peanut allergies I scoffed at the idea of no peanut butter. I seriously had no clue about how dangerous they can become.

 

However, if you lead a group and you have someone bringing this information to you, I believe you have an obligation to see that at least some of their concerns are met. As someone stated, otherwise they should have said they could not accommodate her upfront.

 

As leaders this information should have been communicated properly and followed up on, that's part of being a leader. Also part of the reality for this day and age, there are serious food allergies in our world.

 

Maybe there should be more education at co-ops and other places about food allergies. We're not in a co-op, but I wonder how other groups address this. As you stated, if you don't have a child with allergies, it doesn't sometimes hit our radar of the seriousness. I do think a flyer at registration or some type of announcement could be make to the group as a whole to make sure the allergy issued is acknowledged and respected.

[freesia]

This is how I think about it. I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

 

I just cannot get away from food and no one else seems willing to advocate for us and make a policy that they refuse to let be broken. I hate how offended people get when I talk about going food free for something. Sheesh!

 

It makes me hope that I would never have been someone like that if my kid wasn't the one with the allergies. Would I be annoyed with them? Would I be frustrated with their needs? Would I refuse to accomodate them? I hope that wouldn't have been me.

 

I am so sorry you feel isolated. I wonder, though, if the forgetting was not about not caring.

 

My dh has a life threatening allergy, I am insulin resistant, so between our home special needs, homeschooling, taking care of the house, church responsibilities, and running a co-op it is really, really hard to remember other children's allergies.

 

While we announced allergies in co-op and there have been notices sent out recently in a class switch I did forget to inform the new teacher. And I know how threatening an allergy can be. Fortunately, that slip was fixed before the new teacher brought food. I thought she'd been paying attention but the children were not in her class last term so she tuned it out.

 

It does sound as if they are being uncaring in the way they have handled it with you but you will always have to be your child's advocate and will always have to double check. Even very good friends of ours who double check recipes regularly with us have been know to "throw" something in at the last moment without thinking. We triple check before the meal. When food is involved people tend to be on autopilot.

 

Now, for a 2 hour co-op with a child as sensitive as yours, I do not think going snack free for the above toddler crowd should be a problem for any child.

[lexi]

I get it. :grouphug: Unfortunately, the vast majority of people won't get it and probably never will.

 

A few months ago, when I requested no more pb&j sandwiches at the after school library reading program my dd had just joined...one lady walked into the room in the middle of our discussion. She asked what was going on and the director informed her about the pb problem and how the kids can get it on their hands and touch the cassette players and the headphones, etc (not to mention the horribly strong pb smell that was in the room). She had this dumbfounded look on her face. :blink: She said really loudly, "Really? Peanut butter can get on their hands and then on to the audio equipment?? Huh....I never knew that." :glare: I was sitting there thinking, "Really??? You don't think that maybe even 1 out of these 14 elementary kids eating pb won't just possibly....remotely....get some on their fingers???" :glare:

 

By the way, I can't get either of your blog links to work.

 

It is amazing to me how people just don't think about things....We had a problem at our library too. Many of the moms were bring snacks for their toddlers to eat during story time and the snacks were getting everywhere. It made such a mess and was unsafe for us. Why is there food in a library? I thought that the library of all places would be free of food. It's annoying when you're wrong about things like that!

 

And I think I fixed the blog links. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not super tech savvy so I'm sure I messed them up somehow :lol:

[elegantlion]

I guess I'm just frustrated that I would ask specific people not to do things again-like bring snacks-and they would just keep doing it. I know they don't have to think about it daily but if I'm standing there with the snack I brought and you swoop down in front of me to give all the kids something else that you brought-how is my presence with my snack not reminding you?

 

People would just be frustrated with me and I could tell they were tired of trying to work with me. I'm not a confrontational person so I hate to constantly nag people when I've tried to ask them politely. Many times they would like at me like :001_huh: when I tried to explain. Then they would just disregard what I said. And it's not like I just get that at the co-op, it's everywhere. No one gets it. I'm just new to this and don't see how or why people won't simply respect the allergies when I explain them.

 

I don't expect people to understand, I just want them to respect us. No snack means no snack. Don't bring a milk cup to my house-means just that. Yet, people still do it!

 

So, I'm learning how to explain the allegies to people and I guess I'm not doing a good job of articulating our needs. For me, it's a fine line between not explaining the seriousness enough and being over-the-top dramatic about the life or death implications of the allergies. I can't find the middle ground.

 

 

I do think in your case I'd make up a flyer, brochure, something to hand out to people that you will interact with on a regular basis.

 

There's a lot of people like me who don't understand the seriousness of food allergies. I used to think that you'd take a benadryl and be fine. Honestly, it wasn't until this board that I realized how serious and how prevalent some allergies are.

 

I agree it would be frustrating to rehash the information everytime. I would not be offended to be handed a brochure or something.

[lexi]

I'm so sorry. Am I right in thinking it's your 2 yo with the allergies?

 

My 5 yo doesn't have allergies, but he does have a life threatening metabolic condition that requires that he eat low fat, and no juice, and he Must snack at least every two hours- at least.

 

I have learned that I simply cannot trust anyone outside of my immediate family to remember because he looks healthy. Of course he only looks healthy because of how meticulous we are with his medical needs and diet.

 

It is isolating. Extremely isolating.

 

I offer :grouphug: and validation. it will get easier as your child grows and can begin to self-advocate.

 

In the meantime don't give a moments thought to the other moms being annoyed. Your child is too precious and your energy is too valuable.

 

Thanks! I think we deal with this too since she doesn't actually look "sick" to anyone. Maybe people don't see the allergies as real or threatening because they don't see her having a reaction at that moment.

 

I think I sometimes feel overwhelmed with working to keep her safe. Yes, it's the 2-year-old but my 6-year-old has some allergies too. I pray that it's easier when she's able to speak up for herself.

 

We don't really leave the kids with anyone either. I'm too scared too.

[lexi]

That's a good idea to make up a flyer for our family to have ready for any event like this.

 

I know there were times I was not good at communicating our needs. I just felt like I was beating a dead horse and making more enemies than friends with my constant talk of the allergies. We are the "allergy family" and I know people cringe when they see us coming because the conversation will turn to allergies, again......

 

So, I'm learning. I think we're going to take a break for the rest of this semester and then figure out what we'll do this fall. I;m going to have to be more prepared in the future.

 

The hard part about this co-op was that as a new member they told you that you were on "probation" and you could not teach a class. I felt like I didn't have much influence and so it made it harder to speak out as the new person.

 

Anyway, I'll have to get over feeling bad and worrying about what others think of me. My skin isn't thick enough yet and I'm still overly sensitive about the allergies.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[Ellesmere]

I think you are taking this a little more personally than you should. Parents of kids who don't have allergies have NO IDEA what we go through. It often just doesn't occur to them and certainly isn't in the front of their consciousness at all times in group settings like it to us (especially in a co-op that only meets twice a month). In what ways did they express their upset feelings about your requests?

 

I'm so sorry you are hurt. I'm sorry you hate the place where you live. Hugs.

 

:grouphug: Two hours, twice a month? Do they really need to be snacking during that period. Does every get together have to revolve around food? :glare:

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

If it makes sense, I agree with both of these. On the first post I quoted, I'll agree that if they only meet that often, it's not going to be in the forefront on their minds. I never understood food allergies until I had to deal with them. And when I was first diagnosed, I'd stare at off-limits food and wonder if it would really hurt me to eat it. It just seemed so unreal that food could cause me to stop breathing. (Rest assured, I do believe it and found out the hard way after an accidental exposure to an allergen.) I try to remember life before allergies and how I just didn't get it. Would this article make you laugh?

 

I think the hard thing is that you were there, you were willing to bring the snack, and it still didn't work out. They just didn't understand. I wonder if the director would be willing to look at something like FAAN's PAL program. And it is hard that food just is always an issue, even for such short activities. We were just realizing we are probably not sending one of ours to a particular program due to the insurmountable food issues and wonder how that one will feel if the non-allergic sibling gets to participate. It does seem like everything has to involve food and it's hard, but in the broad scheme of things, it's not that bad.

 

Here is a website (Safeforkids.ca) for kids with allergies, too.

 

Maybe I'm not much help because we tend to opt out a lot (we don't ask for special treatment at restaurants unless it is like Ben and Jerry's and welcomes allergic patrons). I have a very short list of people I trust to make any kind of food for mine. And we don't want our child labeled as the food allergy kid after I heard a program director announce that ours was the reason for some new rule they (not I) decided to make. I reminded him that it was private medical information that I did not give permission to be disclosed and we left. :grouphug: I know it's hard to be in a new area and want to feel normal.

Edited February 16, 2012 by Clairelise
fix site

[Carrie12345]

HOnestly, I'd need to know more about the particular allergy you're dealing with. As a parent of a child who had MSPI, if I were told your child was allergic to milk (without any more detail), I would laugh off your request to keep all outside foods out of the room simply because I hear "milk allergy" and think "MSPI", which wouldn't require such a restriction.

 

Now, if you came right out and told me that milk trace could cause anaphalaxis (sp?) or other such dangerous reactions, I'd immediately be on board with no outside foods! But I only know what I know unless I"m told more.

[gardenmom5]

So, the co-op didn't work out and I just resigned. So, now I'm left here in a place that I hate living, with a child that can't participate, and with other homeschool moms who really dislike me. I should have never joined a co-op or thought we could participate. I just wanted to feel normal for a change.

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

What would you do in this situation? Do you think I'm wrong to be so upset that they won't even work with me? What do I say to these people?

 

I would leave the co-op. Not even the leader of this one cares enough to change things. There is a big difference between "wanting" to be helpful, and actually doing the work to "be" helpful.

 

Maybe there is another co-op, I don't know. You could also look into starting one in your area for families with highly allergic children - they are also probably avoiding co-ops, but they will understand.

 

I recently put my son in school for many reasons (he qualifies for alot of aide/therapies, has four adults to seven children in his room.) We pass a classroom everyday with their "severe peanut allergy - no tree nuts" sign on the door. The school strictly enforces it, but they can be sued if something untoward happens so they are *motivated*. I don't remember whether there is a warning of anaphalactic shock if it is breached or not.

[cin]

I do think in your case I'd make up a flyer, brochure, something to hand out to people that you will interact with on a regular basis.

 

There's a lot of people like me who don't understand the seriousness of food allergies. I used to think that you'd take a benadryl and be fine. Honestly, it wasn't until this board that I realized how serious and how prevalent some allergies are.

 

 

:iagree: And I also didn't realize that 'dairy' didn't mean just milk and cheese. And did you know that doritos and cheetos actually have dairy in them, and the dust can kill a kid? I use to think that if they are allergic to dairy, then I won't bring milk. Or, if they are allergic to peanuts, no nuts or pb&j. But the whole grain bread has nuts in it. Well, Carp. Now What?

 

I haved learned SO. MUCH.

[Carrie12345]

:iagree: And I also didn't realize that 'dairy' didn't mean just milk and cheese. And did you know that doritos and cheetos actually have dairy in them, and the dust can kill a kid? I use to think that if they are allergic to dairy, then I won't bring milk. Or, if they are allergic to peanuts, no nuts or pb&j. But the whole grain bread has nuts in it. Well, Carp. Now What?

 

I haved learned SO. MUCH.

 

Exactly. I'd simply figure "Oh, I've had a kid with a milk allergy. She's being ridiculous." People don't automatically know and understand every allergy or how they affect each person.

[freesia]

That's a good idea to make up a flyer for our family to have ready for any event like this.

 

I know there were times I was not good at communicating our needs. I just felt like I was beating a dead horse and making more enemies than friends with my constant talk of the allergies. We are the "allergy family" and I know people cringe when they see us coming because the conversation will turn to allergies, again......

 

So, I'm learning. I think we're going to take a break for the rest of this semester and then figure out what we'll do this fall. I;m going to have to be more prepared in the future.

 

The hard part about this co-op was that as a new member they told you that you were on "probation" and you could not teach a class. I felt like I didn't have much influence and so it made it harder to speak out as the new person.

 

Anyway, I'll have to get over feeling bad and worrying about what others think of me. My skin isn't thick enough yet and I'm still overly sensitive about the allergies.

:grouphug: I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I just read it's your 2 year old. That is hard as they can't advocate for themselves, at all.

 

It is hard for me with regard to dh. When we are invited for dinner I take a deep breath and then say, "Do you know he has an allergy?" It feels embarrassing to me because I don't like to be trouble. (Although, we are actually easy to feed bc plain roast chicken and plain mashed potatoes and plain vegetables work great! But noone want to be simple when they entertain.:))

 

But, it is okay to advocate for these things. I think you/we just need to know that at certain times of certain peoples lives they can't deal with something new. There was a point in my life where I really couldn't have joined a peanut/nut free co-op bc nuts were one of our chief foods and I didn't have the emotional/physical energy to branch out--really. But, I would have left not asked them not to join. Now I can deal with it so completely I wonder what was wrong with me.

 

So, the woman who said she wouldn't have us over bc she only cooks fancy, I decided I wouldn't think badly of her, it's her problem really. And, if I want to see her socially, I'll have her over.

[sbgrace]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I, too, think it's absolutely ridiculous to need a snack at a 2 hour coop. I don't know a way to get around food at other events though. Our culture is so food oriented in social situations.

 

It will get easier when she's older I think. I feel I can take my anaphylactic son to events now because he knows not to eat anything and keeps hands out of his mouth. He can also tell me he's having a reaction. Two years old and anaphylactic is really scary. :grouphug:

[Mommyof4ks]

I am sorry. :(

 

We had a similar thing with people bringing sniffly kids to class when my youngest had cancer, and it hurts not being able to let your kids be normal. Most people do not realize that their actions can kill other people, a cold could have killed my son, but unless a person has been there I cannot expect them to understand. To them it is just a cold or maybe allergies, and I get that, I was that way before we were affected.

 

Maybe you can get together and do a small co-op type program at your home for a couple of hours once a week either without food or with just fruit or something. Sometimes we have to get creative.

 

:grouphug:

[tex-mex]

Sorry you had that experience. :grouphug:

 

We began homeschooling in 2004 due to ds' rare liver disease and restricted diet. It made homeschooling with others in a social context quite challenging. Ds at the time was 8 years old and it was a huge struggle for him to transition from a normal diet to a RESTRICTED diet of no dairy, no meat, no eggs, no fish, no chicken, no bread, no nuts, no soy, etc. He lived on rice, fruits/veggies, gluten free foods, and specialty medical foods for years.

 

One thing that helped us were buttons (handmade) my child wore on his shirt for all to read saying, "Special Diet!! Do not feed me." I had him wear a medi-alert ID bracelet also. He was taught to read nutritional labels on all food packages from the get-go. Any time he would spend the night at a friend's home, I'd get a panicked phone call from the parent saying, "_____ says he cannot eat ______. What can he eat?" ;)

 

Now, ds is close to 17 years old and his diet/rare disease restrictions are so ingrained that it has become so much easier as a parent. He now keeps track (in his head) of what he has eaten. If I have to submit a 3 day diet, he can tell me the protein, # of calories, and portions he ate. I'm very proud of him. But it will always be akin to walking on a tighrope for managing his disease and diet for the rest of his life.

 

One decision I made was to volunteer in the hs activity. Especially when ds was younger and could not verbalize what he could and could not eat. I would always cue the teacher politely before the class or send in a note via ds. You have to be patient and flexible. I would NEVER demand that the entire class or activity had to change (i.e. snacks) due to my son's situation. If I felt it was a danger or too tempting, I'd provide my own snack to him to bring in. Or we would skip the activity.

 

Many times, we skipped the class or hs event due to this factor. But now that ds is older and can speak for himself -- he is empowered and educated on his medical condition -- I feel comfortable letting him socialize with other teens or adults or events that have food. It is a long hard road to train the child in being wise for this diet situation, tho'. Hang in there!

Edited February 16, 2012 by tex-mex

[brett_ashley]

I guess I'm just frustrated that I would ask specific people not to do things again-like bring snacks-and they would just keep doing it. I know they don't have to think about it daily but if I'm standing there with the snack I brought and you swoop down in front of me to give all the kids something else that you brought-how is my presence with my snack not reminding you?

 

I guess in this situation I would assume the best about that person (that they have forgotten) and speak up: "Actually I have the class snack right here. You might have forgotten that ___________ has said that I will be providing the snack every week."

 

I mean, that would only have to happen twice before they would remember. When you are assertive and pleasant at the same time, it makes a difference.

 

How did you or do you plan to answer the letter of apology?

[HayesW]

I have six children. None of them has allergies. That said, I cannot understand the fear you must face, but I CAN help you out. I am ALWAYS careful, even in my own home, when we have food allergic kids. I made corn free cupcakes for a one of my child's birthday parties. I volunteer to bring gluten free snacks when that is an issue in a class. I made dairy or egg or wheat free treats for bake sales so every child can have a treat.

 

I do not understand WHY for 2 hours twice a week there needs to be any food at all. That is just silly.

 

I am sorry.

[GinaPagnato]

Wow, I think it was very kind of you to offer to bring a snack. I think I would've used the opportunity to tell my (non-allergic) kids, "Here's a chance for us to show love and kindness to others by NOT doing/eating whatever we want."

 

Relationships are more important than food, imo.

 

Sorry.

[tex-mex]

 

I do not understand WHY for 2 hours twice a week there needs to be any food at all. That is just silly.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Chelli]

I guess I'm just frustrated that I would ask specific people not to do things again-like bring snacks-and they would just keep doing it. I know they don't have to think about it daily but if I'm standing there with the snack I brought and you swoop down in front of me to give all the kids something else that you brought-how is my presence with my snack not reminding you?

 

People would just be frustrated with me and I could tell they were tired of trying to work with me. I'm not a confrontational person so I hate to constantly nag people when I've tried to ask them politely. Many times they would like at me like :001_huh: when I tried to explain. Then they would just disregard what I said. And it's not like I just get that at the co-op, it's everywhere. No one gets it. I'm just new to this and don't see how or why people won't simply respect the allergies when I explain them.

 

I don't expect people to understand, I just want them to respect us. No snack means no snack. Don't bring a milk cup to my house-means just that. Yet, people still do it!

 

So, I'm learning how to explain the allegies to people and I guess I'm not doing a good job of articulating our needs. For me, it's a fine line between not explaining the seriousness enough and being over-the-top dramatic about the life or death implications of the allergies. I can't find the middle ground.

 

 

As a mom who doesn't have any children with food allergies, you have to make it a matter of life or death with me if it is one. Otherwise I won't get it and I might even forget. There is a family at our co-op and one of their children has SEVERE (life or death) peanut allergies. I didn't know until dd came home after co-op one day and informed me that she couldn't eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch anymore. I talked to the teachers and they explained that the child was having to sit off by himself during lunch because he couldn't risk having any of my dd's sandwich get on him because it could KILL him. I felt awful. I had no idea that food allergies could be that severe or that his were. Needless to say, no more pb sandwiches at co-op.

 

Be dramatic about it! That is what gets through to us moms who aren't used to it. :grouphug:

[mommaduck]

:grouphug: I'm sorry :( This has to be very difficult. I'm sorry you also hate where you're at; I do know that feeling.

 

Yes, make it clear that it's LIFE or DEATH. Many of us grew up with people with allergies, but it meant simply that they could not eat the same things we did. The concept of not being able to touch hands or tables that have transferred oils, etc is a foreign one to many people. I used to work in a nursery where we had a child that was allergic to several things on your list. His mother brought in a box of snacks just for him, with his name on them. But there were no transfer concerns and we weren't asked to stop other snacks. If it were life or death it would have to be firmly stated and we would have placed a placard on all doors where it needed to be mandated (in this case, the nursery...but we would not be able to keep it out of the entire church or make everyone wash their hands between home and church).

Edited February 16, 2012 by mommaduck

[GailV]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this.

 

And just so you know not all people are totally numb, we belong to a Girl Scout troop that meets twice a month (same as your co-op), and has a new member this year that is highly allergic to tree nuts and peanuts. This was communicated on day 1, and everyone has tried to be very helpful and considerate. We've talked about just not having snacks at all, since that would simplify things. So far we've been emphasizing fruits and veggies, and asking the family, "Is this okay?"

 

Today we were going on a hike. One of the 10 year olds asked, "Is M going to be here? Because I brought a snack bar [for herself to eat -- not to share with anyone] but it says on it that it might contain traces of nuts, so should I leave it in my mom's car?" Yes, a 10 year old managed to figure that out on her own, and was totally okay with giving up a snack that might be a problem for someone else.

[lakotajm]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

What clueless people. :blink: :glare:

 

Was there anyone in the co-op that you or your dd felt a connection with? Maybe instead of a co-op y'all could do a small support group, with a monthly park day (if the weather will allow for it where you live) and some occasional field trips or whatnot.

 

This is what I was thinking, too; try to organize playdates with those that had seemed the most considerate/that the kids liked.

 

Our group communicates well via yahoo groups, so anytime there is a misunderstanding, a post follows. Plus there is the paper schedule given to everyone. So there should be ample chances for an issue to be addressed.

Forgetfulness is no excuse if the allergy is serious. The board should have made a strict rule on snacks and followed through on violations. What is wrong with apples? DO they have to have cr@p like Goldfish?!

Lakota

Edited February 16, 2012 by lakotajm
sp

[MistyMountain]

HOnestly, I'd need to know more about the particular allergy you're dealing with. As a parent of a child who had MSPI, if I were told your child was allergic to milk (without any more detail), I would laugh off your request to keep all outside foods out of the room simply because I hear "milk allergy" and think "MSPI", which wouldn't require such a restriction.

 

Now, if you came right out and told me that milk trace could cause anaphalaxis (sp?) or other such dangerous reactions, I'd immediately be on board with no outside foods! But I only know what I know unless I"m told more.

 

 

I agree with this. I know that peanut allergies can be severe and life threatening but I probably would just be thinking of protein sensitivity or a lactose intolerance if someone said their kid had a milk allergy.

[Harriet Vane]

I'm so very, very sorry. People can really be stupid.

 

My ds' lactose intolerance is not life-or-death, but it sure does mean some real pain for him. There have been folks who thought I was making it all up. :001_huh: There have also been folks who have not been careful, and my poor ds has paid for it with hours or sometimes even DAYS of pain because of it. And there have been folks who have been really offended by my vigilance and my checking ingredients, no matter how sweetly I ask and explain.

 

You have my fullest sympathy. :grouphug:

[Ellie]

We have been able to connect with a few people and we are going to try to do individual things with them. There is one family in particular that has been awesome about our allergies. They don't get it, they just accept us. It's been so nice. I wish there were more people like them.

Well, good. :-)

 

So, we're trying to find a few other things that aren't food related. Unfortunately there aren't art classes in our area and I can't find a music program or something like that. I'm still looking.

Does it have to be a homeschooling thing? Surely there are community classes that are in the afternoons, and that are just...music, not a social time, no food, just music. Do your social things with the few kindred homeschooling spirits you've found, and do the fine arts or whatever in actual classes (as opposed to a co-op sort of situation with other homeschoolers).

[Michelle My Bell]

How about starting your own co-op or other social activity? You make the rules, they break them they are out. :001_smile:

[Joy at Home]

:grouphug: I'm sorry :( This has to be very difficult. I'm sorry you also hate where you're at; I do know that feeling.

 

Yes, make it clear that it's LIFE or DEATH. Many of us grew up with people with allergies, but it meant simply that they could not eat the same things we did. The concept of not being able to touch hands or tables that have transferred oils, etc is a foreign one to many people. I used to work in a nursery where we had a child that was allergic to several things on your list. His mother brought in a box of snacks just for him, with his name on them. But there were no transfer concerns and we weren't asked to stop other snacks. If it were life or death it would have to be firmly stated and we would have placed a placard on all doors where it needed to be mandated (in this case, the nursery...but we would not be able to keep it out of the entire church or make everyone wash their hands between home and church).

 

I like your new duck avatar, mommaduck:D

 

Lisa

[Joy at Home]

I'm sorry you are going through this:grouphug: I don't know what's wrong with people.

 

Lisa