S/O spouse traveling

[tristangrace]

I wasn't sure what the parameters of the situation are (in the OP). One four-week trip once in a career? No problem at all. One four-week trip per year? Totally do-able. But if we are talking four or more weeks many times a year, we'd be looking for a career change. I checked that I'd be fine with it.

 

For reference, we've been married 13 years, we have three kids aged 10 and younger, and he currently travels almost every week, usually gone just one night a week, sometimes as many as three nights a week. If we get a stretch where he's gone three nights a week for three weeks in a row, things can get out of whack. That happens maybe twice a year. If we have any degree of conflict to work through, or one or the other of us is stressed out, it becomes hard to manage a "weekends-only" relationship. If things are otherwise pretty smooth interpersonally, a longer stretch apart is not a big deal.

[SheilaZ]

Nearly 17 years and extended travel would a be a reason to switch jobs. I think the number of children you have really plays into how much you tolerate your spouse being gone.

 

For me, it's been easier with more children. Maybe it's because the older ones could help.

I guess it's just what we're used to.

Edited February 14, 2012 by SheilaZ

[lllll]

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[Carrie12345]

I think it's interesting that there are people who are not okay with it. Most of the time' date=' it's not really a choice. Maybe, sometimes, there is a business trip that different people at the company could do and there might be a choice involved......but, if he needs the job, and the job says he goes......well.....

 

Now, my dh rarely travels for more than a week. When he does, my mom comes to visit or we go to visit her. (we'd go with him if it was feasible, but so far it hasn't really been- even though his company is paying for the hotel and stuff, we'd still have to pay for our plane tickets, etc. and the locations haven't been worth it- if he was going to be near a beach or something, bring it on- but CO in the winter? no thanks!) I think it's fabulous that we've been able to have extra time with my mom. Sure, she comes when he's here too- but it's great that she can spend lots of time with the kids without feeling like she's intruding on his time with them.

 

I think this is a pretty easy "when life gives you lemons make lemonade" situation.

 

Oh, also- the kids and I travel to see my parents 3-4 times a year for 2 weeks at a time. Do we miss dh? a LOT But he doesn't want to use up his vacay, the trip is sooooo long and there are so many relatives to see once we get there......I miss my dh and the kids miss their dad, but I want to see my grandparents as much as possible, before it's not possible anymore. Not too mention my siblings and nephews, cousins, aunts/uncles, etc.[/quote']

 

I didn't equate "not okay with it" with "not allowing it". If we had to deal with it, we'd deal with it, but nothing would make me like it!

 

We don't have anyone to help out. When dh isn't home, it's 4-5 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and me.

[Renee in NC]

I didn't equate "not okay with it" with "not allowing it". If we had to deal with it, we'd deal with it, but nothing would make me like it!

 

We don't have anyone to help out. When dh isn't home, it's 4-5 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and me.

 

:iagree: When my dh was military, we dealt with it. When he later tried to do an OTR truck driver job, we figured out after 5 weeks of being out (and NO visits home) that it was not the job for someone who hoped to actually be involved with his children's lives. If it were the only choice, then we would deal with it.

[Parrothead]

I think the big difference is you only have one child. Living life with just one child is so much easier than with a passel of 'em. I say that as an only child myself. I did all kinds of things with my mom that I could never do with all 4 of my kids.

Maybe. I'm not an only child. What I am is a military brat so my normal isn't what others think of as normal. That and I married dh when I was older. We've never felt the need to be in each other's pockets constantly.

 

The mindset of never wanting to be parted from him is something foreign to me.

 

I'm happy (or happy for him depending on where he goes) when he goes. I'm happy when he comes home. I'm happiest if we get to go with him. But to be honest that is because I get a chance to get out of Po'dunk.

[Parrothead]

I wasn't sure what the parameters of the situation are (in the OP). One four-week trip once in a career? No problem at all. One four-week trip per year? Totally do-able. But if we are talking four or more weeks many times a year, we'd be looking for a career change. I checked that I'd be fine with it.

 

For reference, we've been married 13 years, we have three kids aged 10 and younger, and he currently travels almost every week, usually gone just one night a week, sometimes as many as three nights a week. If we get a stretch where he's gone three nights a week for three weeks in a row, things can get out of whack. That happens maybe twice a year. If we have any degree of conflict to work through, or one or the other of us is stressed out, it becomes hard to manage a "weekends-only" relationship. If things are otherwise pretty smooth interpersonally, a longer stretch apart is not a big deal.

This would bug me. The constant coming and going. Dh did that when he was recruiting. He would come home for a few days, leave for a few days, then back home again. That would interrupt my schedule too much and cause a great deal of havoc.

[Amber in AUS]

My DH has worked 3 weeks away, 1 week home in the past and will be returning to it very soon. It's called Fly in Fly out (FIFO) because the entire workforce is flown in and out of the mine site. None of the workers live their permanently. It's a way of life and you get used to it.

[littlebug42]

I voted 10-15 years and I would not be OK with it. I also work 24 hours a week and with homeschooling etc, I need dh here. Obviously, if it was a necessity I would deal with it but honestly, it would probably put undue strain on our marriage because I would seriously resent it. Because I work too, I couldn't just travel too and all of our family is local - where would I go? Fortunately, he works for a university so in the 12 years or so he has worked there, he has only had to travel twice for training. One time was before kids and I went with him and the other was after kids but my Mom came to help me.

[TechWife]

I've been married 18 years and I would not be OK with a trip that was 4+ weeks. My husband has traveled extensively throughout his career and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. He will often be gone several days each month, but he is almost always home on the weekends. The only exception to that is with some international trips that take 24+ hours of travel time, but those only happen 2-3 times a year. Occasionally he has to take the red eye out on Sunday night to be somewhere on Monday morning due to scheduling, or he might take the red eye back on Friday night and get home on Saturday morning.

 

Even though we are well experienced and have a routine for when he is out of town, I would not be OK with a 4+ week trip at this point in our family life (teen years). I assume you mean no weekend returns, with weekend returns it might be tolerable, especially if we could go with him for a week in the middle.

[SheilaZ]

Maybe. I'm not an only child. What I am is a military brat so my normal isn't what others think of as normal. That and I married dh when I was older. We've never felt the need to be in each other's pockets constantly.

 

The mindset of never wanting to be parted from him is something foreign to me.

 

I'm happy (or happy for him depending on where he goes) when he goes. I'm happy when he comes home. I'm happiest if we get to go with him. But to be honest that is because I get a chance to get out of Po'dunk.

 

:iagree: but its is hard to be happy for him when he's in Hawaii and you're stuck at home with 4 littles because one is nursing. I still lament my lost trip to Hawaii.

Then there are the trips TO po'dunk that I have gone to to see him.

[TechWife]

:iagree: but its is hard to be happy for him when he's in Hawaii and you're stuck at home with 4 littles because one is nursing. I still lament my lost trip to Hawaii.

Then there are the trips TO po'dunk that I have gone to to see him.

 

Ha! I can relate. Why is it that when my DH is going to po'dunk, we have a month notice and air tickets are really cheap, but when he goes to Paris or Tokyo, we sometimes have less than a week of notice and tickets are $$$$?

[Shellydon]

Maybe. I'm not an only child. What I am is a military brat so my normal isn't what others think of as normal. That and I married dh when I was older. We've never felt the need to be in each other's pockets constantly.

 

The mindset of never wanting to be parted from him is something foreign to me.

 

I'm happy (or happy for him depending on where he goes) when he goes. I'm happy when he comes home. I'm happiest if we get to go with him. But to be honest that is because I get a chance to get out of Po'dunk.

 

 

It is less that I don't want to be apart from DH than I need help at night. Being in charge of a 4 from daylight 'till 9 every day is exhausting. If he is home I might get to clean up the kitchen in peace while he bathes everyone.

[higginszoo]

It is less that I don't want to be apart from DH than I need help at night. Being in charge of a 4 from daylight 'till 9 every day is exhausting. If he is home I might get to clean up the kitchen in peace while he bathes everyone.

I remember those days. Dh had to move 6 weeks ahead of us when the dc were 2.5, 18 mo and not quite 1 mo. It was so hard juggling itty-bitties 24/7, and my dd (the middle one) refused to let me bathe her because that was Daddy's job. When they were 4, 3 and not quite 2, we had a 2 weeks with him/2 weeks home on our own schedule for 3 mo while he was in a probationary phase for a new job (no point in moving if he didn't get that job, nothing else there, and we could only afford 2 weeks/mo in hotels). That was a bit easier.

The dc were 4-10 when he was 100% travel for 6 mo (home most weekends). That was a LOT easier. Now that I have them even more independent, it wouldn't be nearly the at-home juggling act it was when they were little, but it would be a transportation nightmare.

[jennsmile]

Another military brat, and so I guess it is a skewed view I have. I would be okay with dh's travels, my mom survived and I am sure with skype, im's and email we would have more communication than my mom had. However dh is in education and the most he gets to travel is to a convention for a few days, usually close enough we can go too.

[NotSoObvious]

My husband travels a lot for work and we get a lot done when he is gone. :)

 

My girls and I just spent 4 1/2 weeks visiting my family on the other side of the country. It was a little too much togetherness with my family, but we survived.

[SailorMom]

19 years-

We're military. 4 weeks is a walk in the park.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I wouldn't LIKE it but I wouldn't be terribly upset. We simply do what we must. My hubby has been away from us a couple times. Once was four months (2009). It stinks royally, but I appreciate hubby doing what he must to take care of us. And I hope it never happens again.

 

I voted: We’ve been married 15+ years and I would be okay with an extended trip.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I think it is one of those things that one knows ahead of time when they are applying for the job (or interviewing for the job). So, one agrees to that ahead of time. How can a person take on a job and not be told they will need to do extensive traveling?

 

I am reminded of the job I had for a whole eight hours in 1999. It was a youth liaison position with the city. The interview went well. I liked the woman who would be my boss. Everything looked great...until my first day of work, when she told me about how the trip I was going to be making to supervise the the youth when they visit Seoul as part of their Sister City program. I was :001_huh:. Lady, you have lost your mind! Don't you think that is the kind of thing you might want to mention to a potential employee!? I told her the position was not going to work for me (to say the least!). DH travels enough for both of us. There was no way I was going to travel internationally for that job. I'm a chicken about flying, for starters. :lol: I did conferences and training in cities across Texas when I worked but this was over and above anything I was prepared to do. Not to mention they weren't paying me enough for that kind of commitment... :tongue_smilie:

[Joanne]

I need an OTHER. :glare:

 

XH and I were married 14 years. He was gone, extended trips on occassion. It was fine with me. Honestly, I think the marriage would have been shorter if he had been home more.

 

DH rarely travelled when he was working, but it would have been fine with me.

[The Girls' Mom]

This year will be 20 years for us. It wouldn't bother me one bit.

 

BUT...for the first 15 years of our marriage, travel was a huge part of his job. For about 5 or 6 years he was gone every other week. So, I am very much used to him being gone.

[QueenCat]

 

But HELLO, you say no travel...it should mean...no travel.

 

Sometimes the scope of a job changes....

[QueenCat]

I'm fine with dh traveling. Do I miss him? Sure. Can I manage without him? Yes, even when the kids were younger, I could manage. Sometimes that meant getting a sitter for a mom's night, if he was gone for more than a week.... or cereal for dinner and other things to make it easier... He goes for about a week a few times a year. Sometimes I/we go with him.... we especially like it when he goes to Montreal:D. About once every 3-4 years, he goes to Montreal for a month. We go for about a week of those trips. He's heading to Boston next month... wish I could go but there's too much going on here this time around....

[QueenCat]

A month into the job?

 

Dh took a new job, in a new field, where travel was not part of the plan. He was there a week when he came home & told me he was going to Los Angeles for five weeks. He'd just moved me to a new state.... I was not happy... Did I complain to him? Not much, he didn't need the stress of worrying about me.We didn't have kids yet, and knew no one so it was a bit lonely. Forced me to start looking for a church on my own so I could meet people. Jumped me into a job search too.... Pre-internet days, pre-cell phone, and we had a lot less money then so phone calls (before long distance became cheap) could only happen every few days. Since then, I've adjusted... that first job launched an interest in a career that he loves. So, no regrets.

Edited February 15, 2012 by CathieC

[rieshy]

For me, it's been easier with more children. Maybe it's because the older ones could help.

I guess it's just what we're used to.

 

:iagree:

[Word Nerd]

My DH is gone for several days at a time occasionally, and I don't like it. It would definitely be a challenge to have him gone for a month or more.

[missmoe]

We've been married twenty years, and we're done with extended trip thing. When we first married he was in the navy, so he was gone months at a time. He's had jobs since then where he travels for a week or two at a time. About three years ago, he took a job across the country. We were seperated for 9 months before we moved to be with him. He was able to come home every three weeks for 10 days. We hated it. And have decided we won't every do something like that again. He now travels for a week once or twice a month and very rarely for two weeks at a time. Two weeks is too long.

[sparrow]

We will be married 18 years in May. We have not slept in the same bed no more than 6 times during those years. Never 2 nights in a row. I would definitely not like it if my husband had a job that required travel :tongue_smilie:.

[elinnea]

That said, he has traveled in the past. It was never for more than a week. Of course it was kind of a kicker that for his first job he traveled to.....GERMANY! :lol: (where he is from).

 

My dh is German too and ironically he travels to Germany and the UK the most even though his company's main headquarters are in the city where we live. The good thing is that he never has to get "homesick" and he can visit his parents all the time so they'll visit us here less. ;)

[hellen]

I think you almost needed an option that said "I'm a military spouse, that's just how life is" because I think we're skewing your poll. :tongue_smilie:

 

We'll be celebrating 15 years this June and we're on our 7th deployment. One of the was only a few months but most have been 5-8 in length plus all the workups (in and out for a week to a month at a time testing systems and running drills before the deployment that usually goes on for the 4-6 months prior to the official deployment) We even had a time where he lived in WA and we were in WI that lasted for 1.5 years and included one of the deployments. We saw him for about 3 weeks during that 1.5 years.

 

For me it's just part of life.

 

I agree that military spouses could be skewing it. My husband called a few weeks ago and said he was offered a position and would be gone 10 months. That didn't phase me at all and my youngest is only one.

[Joker]

Dh was in the Marines when we first married and was gone/worked a lot. Since he got out we haven't spent more than a week apart. We would find a way for us to go with him if he needed to be gone for a month at a time or he would look for work elsewhere. Fortunately, his job requires little travel and when it does they're fine with his family tagging along. We went through a lot those first few years (losing loved ones unexpectedly, illnesses) and don't take for granted we will have time to be together and make memories later.

 

ETA: We've been married 14 years.

[Mama Lynx]

It's not a question of me being okay with it or not. It's just how DH's jobs work. Right now he works in another state. He has for a month and a half, and will continue to for another two months. When the kids were young it was easy to pack up and go with him - but now they're involved in too many activities that we don't want to disrupt. They're important and worthwhile activities.

 

I'm not thrilled with it, no. My Dad was military, though, so I was raised with him gone often. It's just how it is.

[Parrothead]

:iagree: but its is hard to be happy for him when he's in Hawaii and you're stuck at home with 4 littles because one is nursing. I still lament my lost trip to Hawaii.

Then there are the trips TO po'dunk that I have gone to to see him.

:iagree: Dh doesn't tell me where he goes and what he eats while he is traveling to big cities.

 

I think I'd be planning a Hawaiian vacation when the kids are gone.

[zaichiki]

Other:

We’ve been married 10-15 years and I would be okay with an extended trip IF the rest of us could go with him. :D

 

We actually did join him for a week-long business trip a number of years ago. The hotel was already paid for... the kids and I enjoyed the beach and the local museums etc. during the day while dh worked. We all hung out at the pool together in the evening. It was wonderful and we have pictures (and memories) that we'll always treasure.

[TammyinTN]

Dh has to travel for work...it's called deployment. ;) He can be gone up to a year at a time. We will be married 25 years this April.

[Rose in BC]

After 23 years of marriage I have a new job that requires travel. Usually only a couple days a month but I know in May, June and August I will be gone 4-5 days at a time.

 

I am so blessed to have this new job which I absolutely love but will admit it could have waited a few more years. Given that I have to work, I'm not complaining that its a career I love.

[Denisemomof4]

We've been married almost 23 years. Dh has never travelled and I don't expect him to in the future. It was an agreement/understanding/condition before we got married. I grew up without a father because he travelled so much. My mom went through hell parenting my brother. I refuse to be put in that situation.

[Lisbeth]

Hotels harbor bed bugs...strike one. We have absolutely boycotted flying...strike two. I work parttime with split shift parenting...strike three!