Jean in Newcastle Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 His parents reasons for not telling him sooner? "You never asked". He seems to be taking it in stride, and I'm not an adoptee or an adoptive mom, but somehow it seems wrong to wait so long to tell him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Huh. Well, I'd call my parents, I've never asked them, but I look too much like dad. Wonder who my mom is? That's a dirty trick imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Wow! Can't even begin to imagine parents not sharing that with their child from an early age. And what child would think to ask? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 :crying: Poor kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 His parents reasons for not telling him sooner? "You never asked". He seems to be taking it in stride, and I'm not an adoptee or an adoptive mom, but somehow it seems wrong to wait so long to tell him. That's just wrong to do to a child, IMO. I'd like to ask HIS parents if they ever asked THEIR parents if they were adopted. Who asks that?! Did the boy seriously ask if he was adopted out of the blue, and the parents said "Well actaully son, yes. Yes you are."? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 His parents reasons for not telling him sooner? "You never asked". Well, he probably never asked if he should jump out of the upstairs windows after watching Superman on TV, but they probably managed to tell him that. :glare: What a stupid excuse. I guess they were hoping he would never find out? Is there some sort of embarrassing backstory to all of this? Personally, I think he deserved to know a long time ago, but if his parents are otherwise wonderful people, maybe they wanted to tell him but kept putting it off when he was little because he was a very sensitive or insecure child, and then it reached a point where it was much easier to "wait for the right moment," which never came. (It's not an excuse; I'm just trying to figure out why they didn't tell him.) I have no idea what they were thinking. Perhaps they are very insecure people, and were fearful he'd want to find his biological parents and would leave them, or something like that. I can't judge them because I don't know what kind of parents they are. But I feel sorry for the boy. It's a tough age to learn something like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 I don't know the story behind it. I don't know the parents at all. He must have had something to make him ask. Perhaps a school project? All I know is that he thought he was Chinese (as his parents are) and they told him, "No, you're Korean." I'm not sure how recently he found out but he was telling friends today. I don't know Chinese culture on this but it's fairly unusual for people to adopt in Japan and is not something that is usually admitted if they did adopt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 His parents reasons for not telling him sooner? "You never asked". He seems to be taking it in stride, and I'm not an adoptee or an adoptive mom, but somehow it seems wrong to wait so long to tell him. I was 15 when I found out my dad isn't my biological father. My mother had her reasons for not telling me. I understood them. It wasn't the end of the world. It was interesting because a lot of people thought I should be emotionally damaged by it or something but I wasn't. Not everything has to be an after school special. :tongue_smilie: I did meet my bio father once and again, it was interesting but no big deal really...just like meeting any stranger for the first time. And again, people thought "oh that poor thing. She will probably need therapy after all this." :001_huh: My dh is adopted, has always known, has no desire to seek out his birth parents. My adopted children know they are adopted. I wonder what it will be like when they are older... . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 His parents reasons for not telling him sooner? "You never asked". He seems to be taking it in stride, and I'm not an adoptee or an adoptive mom, but somehow it seems wrong to wait so long to tell him. Ouch! That has got to sting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linguistmama Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 That seems like such a weird reason. :confused: When I was taking biology in junior high our teacher explained that we would not be doing blood typing for ourselves and our parents like the school had in the past. He said that one year a student showed a blood type that could not be the result of his parent's DNA. Upon asking his parents about it they told him he was adopted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I was 15 when I found out my dad isn't my biological father. My mother had her reasons for not telling me. I understood them. It wasn't the end of the world. It was interesting because a lot of people thought I should be emotionally damaged by it or something but I wasn't. Not everything has to be an after school special. :tongue_smilie: . I'm actually very, very thankful you wrote this. I have a close family member who has four children, two of whom aren't biologically his. He is, however, raising them as his own and is listed as the father on the birth certificate for both of them. I don't think there are any plans to let the kids know, and I have really worried about how it will affect them when they do find out (in one case, it really is only a matter of time). It is very VERY good to know that it can turn out perfectly fine and the kids won't feel betrayed. I will just keep praying that their ending mirrors yours. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 My ex was taken to dinner on his 14th birthday by his "dad" and was told, "By the way, I'm not your dad." It happened to be a terrible blow. He would have done much better never knowing at all... he looked so much like his mother and he never would have thought his dad wasn't his dad... I know that is different than adoption, but, some parents just don't really think this through and consider what is best for the child... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BamaTanya Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I grew up with a couple of friends (sisters - not sure if they were biological sisters) who weren't told they were adopted until they were grown. I wasn't there when they found out, so I don't know the initial impact. It didn't appear to make any difference in the family relationship. They were (and are) extremely close and they adored their adoptive parents until their natural deaths. Of course, 15 is a very different age . . . The OP's incidence sounds unusual but I can't judge it from the outside. Maybe it works for their family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 My ex was taken to dinner on his 14th birthday by his "dad" and was told, "By the way, I'm not your dad." It happened to be a terrible blow. He would have done much better never knowing at all... he looked so much like his mother and he never would have thought his dad wasn't his dad... I know that is different than adoption, but, some parents just don't really think this through and consider what is best for the child... My parents never had any intention of telling me. I stumbled across some information and found out on my own then asked my mom. For those of you who think the parents are awful people for not telling him, consider this scenario: A teenage girl raised in the deep south by very religious parents (her dad is a pastor) gets pregnant by the town "bad boy". It is such a shameful disgrace to the family that they LITERALLY pack her up in the middle of the night and send her to another state far away to live with her sister. She has the baby, meets a guy who is willing to accept the fact that she already has a child (which was not common at the time). He adopts that baby as his own. From then on it is a secret no one ever talks about. Right or wrong,that is the way things are in the small community the mother comes from. What she did was shameful in their eyes. Also, she is quite religious herself and is raising her daughter in the faith and she never wants her daughter to know about her past sin because she doesn't want her daughter to think less of her or to feel like she doesn't belong in the family with her two brothers who are biological children of her father. It is water under the bridge. Why bring up a hurtful past that really will not benefit anyone to know? When I found out I asked my mom: is dad my real dad? She was stunned and choking back tears she said "what would you think of me if I told you he wasn't?" I said "I would think I am really glad you didn't have an abortion." Incidentally, I still didn't tell my brothers at her request. They eventually found out about 15 years later. When my brother asked why I didn't tell him I said "it wasn't really my secret to tell." Maybe you would have handled it differently but I know what my mom went through ... What she sacrificed to bring me into this world ... I will not judge her for that. Knowing would not have made my life better but it would have made things harder for my mom. It's not all about me. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 My parent's were friends with a family who didn't tell their son he was adopted. Instead, he was contacted by his birth mom as a young adult (18 or 20?). It was devastating. It caused MAJOR damage. I was probably 10 when it all went down, so I had a kids eye view. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 To me, it makes sense. Not to be stereotyping, but if they are Chinese and he's Korean there is a HUGE culture issue most non-Chinese and non-Korean people could never, ever understand about adoption. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZooRho Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 My parents never had any intention of telling me. I stumbled across some information and found out on my own then asked my mom. For those of you who think the parents are awful people for not telling him, consider this scenario: A teenage girl raised in the deep south by very religious parents (her dad is a pastor) gets pregnant by the town "bad boy". It is such a shameful disgrace to the family that they LITERALLY pack her up in the middle of the night and send her to another state far away to live with her sister. She has the baby, meets a guy who is willing to accept the fact that she already has a child (which was not common at the time). He adopts that baby as his own. From then on it is a secret no one ever talks about. Right or wrong,that is the way things are in the small community the mother comes from. What she did was shameful in their eyes. Also, she is quite religious herself and is raising her daughter in the faith and she never wants her daughter to know about her past sin because she doesn't want her daughter to think less of her or to feel like she doesn't belong in the family with her two brothers who are biological children of her father. It is water under the bridge. Why bring up a hurtful past that really will not benefit anyone to know? When I found out I asked my mom: is dad my real dad? She was stunned and choking back tears she said "what would you think of me if I told you he wasn't?" I said "I would think I am really glad you didn't have an abortion." Incidentally, I still didn't tell my brothers at her request. They eventually found out about 15 years later. When my brother asked why I didn't tell him I said "it wasn't really my secret to tell." Maybe you would have handled it differently but I know what my mom went through ... What she sacrificed to bring me into this world ... I will not judge her for that. Knowing would not have made my life better but it would have made things harder for my mom. It's not all about me. . I can see that. like really the Maury shows tht show the parents who are married and had an affair trying to find out who the baby's daddy is. EEEK I would say let that one be. and for your mom, I think that is okay too. but for a straight out adopted child= I have no idea, I do think that it is cruel. both of my boys are adopted and have always known that fact. for one it has been a struggle for one child in dealing with his "loss". the other one rarely thinks about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGirl Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 When I was in first grade I was playing at a friends house. I left her room to go to the restroom. I heard her mom talking to a friend in their kitchen. I heard my name and eavesdropped. They were discussing the fact that I was adopted. :confused: I hadn't been told about it and to overhear people talking about it like it was a shameful thing hurt me deeply. I fled home crying and I still remember the way I felt about it. I cannot imagine in this day and age why someone would try and keep this a secret. The damage that is done when the adoptee finds out is massive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 My dbil was told at 19 that the man he thought was his dad wasn't. He was getting ready to move cross-country. He would be living near extended family, and my mil was probably afraid they would say something. He didn't know either man (the one who was his dad or the one she married and put on the birth certificate,) as he was raised by her next two husbands (one was dh's father.) It was still hard, I think. I'm glad he's taking it in stride. Like Heather said, the alternative is worse. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virg Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Something similar happened to my DH. When he was 13 he found out his dad was his step-dad. Everyone knew but him, even DH's best friend knew but was forbidden to tell DH. His aunt lived across the street from his birth dad and apparently DH saw his bio dad all the time but never knew. He was very angry. He was about to start dating his half birth sister and had played ball with his cousins often. He is still bitter about it. Last fall we found out that DSD isn't my husband's. Her bio mom walked away from her and DSS when she was 11 mo and he was 4. Bio mom knew that she wasn't DH's from day one. When confronted she said well she thought DH was a better option than birth father so she "tricked" DH into it. We of course had to tell her, DH couldn't believe he was going through this situation again but as the father this time. It brought up his hurt and anger all over again. It was extremely difficult even for me to watch her little world fall apart. The only person who had taken care of her and been stable wasn't even her birth father. Bio mom had lied to her, her whole life. To make it worse we had to find out from a lawyer what would happen if bio dad wanted her when he found out. It was a nightmare. I feel sorry for your son's friend and I hope he is doing as well as he appears on the outside. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 I don't know the story behind it. I don't know the parents at all. He must have had something to make him ask. Perhaps a school project? All I know is that he thought he was Chinese (as his parents are) and they told him, "No, you're Korean." I'm not sure how recently he found out but he was telling friends today. I don't know Chinese culture on this but it's fairly unusual for people to adopt in Japan and is not something that is usually admitted if they did adopt. I can't speak for Chinese culture, but a cultural explanation does seem most likely, given what you describe. I know a Sri Lankan lady whose brother was adopted - he did not know that he was adopted (and because they were from a poor community I am really not sure whether it was done "legally" - they "needed" a son, and the other family had twin boys they could not afford, as I understood the story). I have also read in the South African context of a black family that adopted and did not tell their families, because of the role that reverence for ancestors plays in the culture. In this particular case it was sort of understood that the families might suspect, but that it would never be openly acknowledged. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 :grouphug: my dh found out in his late teens that his dad's wife wasn't his birth mother-they were divorced when he was under 3yrs and when his dad re-married they never told him--I think it hurt him for the longest time...he still has never met his birth mom... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 (edited) i think it sounds terrible, but i'm going to assume in this situation there are two sides to this story & the parents have more reason than that. i really think you are only hearing his POV here. i hope that's the case anyway. poor guy. Edited January 7, 2012 by mytwomonkeys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 One of my students found out he was adopted through a biology lab experiment. They were tracking eye color and heredity. Teacher kept telling him he had the results wrong, turned out he was right. His dad wasn't his dad. What a horrible way to find out. He took it very well. He said it was the only dad he'd ever known, and that was good enough for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I can first remember being told I was adopted around age 6. We have told my son since we got him at 2.5. It is a little more obvious for him because he is a different race, but we still talk about it and I tell him I was adopted too. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In2why Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I can't even imagine that in this day and age that anyone would think this is okay. I can understand 40 Years ago, but now, not even. Perhaps there are some people okay with being lied to their entire lives, but a secret implies shame, and it isn't the child's shame no matter what the situation. To not know something as basic as their birth story, is just wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I can't even imagine that in this day and age that anyone would think this is okay. I can understand 40 Years ago, but now, not even. Perhaps there are some people okay with being lied to their entire lives, but a secret implies shame, and it isn't the child's shame no matter what the situation. To not know something as basic as their birth story, is just wrong. I don't think it's always that easy, or that black/white. I would imagine there are people out there who intentionally deceive; I'd guess that for most people, though, this isn't the case - especially in a situation laid out in the OP. I give the family the benefit of the doubt. If you talk with adoptees, you'll find a huge range of emotions and feelings on how it should have been handled. There is no one right way or wrong way, and for some families (like, perhaps, the OP) it's completely unchartered territory. You go with the flow, ... if the adoption doesn't seem to be an obvious issue with the kid, maybe you think "Why should I bring it up? If he were curious, he'd ask" intending, perhaps, to not rock the boat unnecessarily. And maybe not realizing the inner dynamics that an adoptee sometimes experiences (not wanting to rock the boat themselves, or maybe not caring at all.) Or maybe part of you as an adoptive parent is insecure in that role, and worries about initiating that dialogue. None of us is perfect, we just sometimes take things one day at a time; one step at a time. If it's true that a secret implies shame, perhaps the shame isn't the child's at all - but the parent who fears a loss of the child's love. It may seem irrational from our armchair perspective, but that's an easy call to make from where we sit. I'd guess it looks a lot different from the thick of things. Not all adoptees (or people, for that matter) care all that much about their birth stories. At its most basic: I was born, I'm here now -- what else is there to know? That some people need or desire more, is a preference; not an accurate assumption to project onto others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I don't think it's always that easy, or that black/white. I would imagine there are people out there who intentionally deceive; I'd guess that for most people, though, this isn't the case - especially in a situation laid out in the OP. I give the family the benefit of the doubt. If you talk with adoptees, you'll find a huge range of emotions and feelings on how it should have been handled. There is no one right way or wrong way, and for some families (like, perhaps, the OP) it's completely unchartered territory. You go with the flow, ... if the adoption doesn't seem to be an obvious issue with the kid, maybe you think "Why should I bring it up? If he were curious, he'd ask" intending, perhaps, to not rock the boat unnecessarily. And maybe not realizing the inner dynamics that an adoptee sometimes experiences (not wanting to rock the boat themselves, or maybe not caring at all.) Or maybe part of you as an adoptive parent is insecure in that role, and worries about initiating that dialogue. None of us is perfect, we just sometimes take things one day at a time; one step at a time. If it's true that a secret implies shame, perhaps the shame isn't the child's at all - but the parent who fears a loss of the child's love. It may seem irrational from our armchair perspective, but that's an easy call to make from where we sit. I'd guess it looks a lot different from the thick of things. Not all adoptees (or people, for that matter) care all that much about their birth stories. At its most basic: I was born, I'm here now -- what else is there to know? That some people need or desire more, is a preference; not an accurate assumption to project onto others. :iagree: Beautifully put. Adoption is a complex topic. There is no one right answer. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Not all adoptees (or people, for that matter) care all that much about their birth stories. At its most basic: I was born, I'm here now -- what else is there to know? That some people need or desire more, is a preference; not an accurate assumption to project onto others. :iagree: Because adoptions seem so open now, I can see why it seems like a big deal. I know an adopted adult for whom it really isn't an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In2why Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I don't think it's always that easy, or that black/white. I would imagine there are people out there who intentionally deceive; I'd guess that for most people, though, this isn't the case - especially in a situation laid out in the OP. Omission is deception when it comes to something this basic. I give the family the benefit of the doubt. If you talk with adoptees, you'll find a huge range of emotions and feelings on how it should have been handled. There is no one right way or wrong way, and for some families (like, perhaps, the OP) it's completely unchartered territory. You go with the flow, ... if the adoption doesn't seem to be an obvious issue with the kid, maybe you think "Why should I bring it up? If he were curious, he'd ask" intending, perhaps, to not rock the boat unnecessarily. And maybe not realizing the inner dynamics that an adoptee sometimes experiences (not wanting to rock the boat themselves, or maybe not caring at all.) I can't believe that anyone adopting a child hasn't read a book, talked to other adoptive parents, or even looked on the internet enough to know that adoption and truth are important. Adoption isn't unchartered territory, and a home study is and has been required for a long time where this very issue is discussed. I don't think every adoptee cares about thier birth parents, or think that it is a big deal, but they at least deserve to know, and why in the world would anyone think that an okay way to find out is a huge revealing conversation, a death bed confesssion, or finding out when someone else outside the family knows something about you, that you didn't know. Or maybe part of you as an adoptive parent is insecure in that role, and worries about initiating that dialogue. None of us is perfect, we just sometimes take things one day at a time; one step at a time. If it's true that a secret implies shame, perhaps the shame isn't the child's at all - but the parent who fears a loss of the child's love. It may seem irrational from our armchair perspective, but that's an easy call to make from where we sit. I'd guess it looks a lot different from the thick of things. This is self serving and, frankly, a bit disgusting. Worry about losing the child's love? There is a much larger chance of losing the child's love when they find out as a teen or adult that you have kept something like this from them. Lets think about the option. Most adoptive parents make adoption no big deal and the children can't even remember not knowing they were adopted, and it is treated is not a big deal unless the child asks specific questions, and then they are answered in age appropriate ways. Versus never telling, hoping that no one else tells, and then having the bubble burst and in the OP's case find out as a teen when hormones and parental separation are the norm as part of natural development. I am not an armchair specatator, I am an adoptee, and an adoptive parent. I am also right. I am not stating that to say that you are wrong and I am right. But I am saying that if anyone is reading this and deciding if they will tell their adoptee or potential adoptive child in a natural way, or wait until it becomes a shock, I sincerely hope that they look into this beyond this board, and realize how potentially damaging a secret like this can be. Why take that risk, when adoption is not a big deal anymore and isn't shameful? Not all adoptees (or people, for that matter) care all that much about their birth stories. At its most basic: I was born, I'm here now -- what else is there to know? That some people need or desire more, is a preference; not an accurate assumption to project onto others. Of course many people don't see their birth family or birth story as important. But that should be their choice, not made for them. It is a basic human right. If you aren't even told, you don't get to have a preference. I would even venture to guess that they are less likely to care if it isn't treated as a big secret. I would also say that not telling says more about the adoptive parents than it ever could about the child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think it's terrible that this boy was not only lied to about his birth parents, but to also be lied to about his Korean heritage and to be raised as Chinese? I don't know how he could ever get over that betrayal. That said, there Is never one right answer for every situation. Heather's story is one of love, protection and compassion on both parts, mom and daughter. I hope there are similar loving circumstances for this boy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I know that some parents don't want their children to know so that might explain why they never shared that with him. But I would think that after this many years, they would have a better prepared response than the one they offered. Maybe they aren't touchy feely parents and are matter of fact people instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 That's so wrong. I say this as an adoptive mom too. I did a lot of research before we adopted and everything I read said you should tell a child early, or better yet, raise them with the knowledge right from the beginning. Almost all of the negative adoptions stories I read were written by people who had that bombshell dropped on them as teens or young adults. We were telling DS his adoption story before he could even talk or really understand it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenC3 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I'm actually very, very thankful you wrote this. I have a close family member who has four children, two of whom aren't biologically his. He is, however, raising them as his own and is listed as the father on the birth certificate for both of them. I don't think there are any plans to let the kids know, and I have really worried about how it will affect them when they do find out (in one case, it really is only a matter of time). It is very VERY good to know that it can turn out perfectly fine and the kids won't feel betrayed. I will just keep praying that their ending mirrors yours. :001_smile: It doesn't always end well. I found out at 8 and it was a tough thing, especially in my teens and my Dad and I had a tumultuous relationship and then dealing with the rejection of my bio-father. Yes, things work out eventually, but there is fallout from keeping big secrets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 raise them with the knowledge right from the beginning. My sons were three and 14 months when they started referring to my now ex-partner as dad. They don't remember living with their biological dad. I thought I was raising them with the knowledge. Certainly, it wasn't a secret. But when my now-9yo, who was 14 months when he gained his dad, was 3 or 4 years old, he came to me upset, wanting confirmation of what his older brother was saying about whether or not, "Daddy is my real dad." I hadn't realized this wasn't on his radar. If he had been a few years older, and I realized only then that he didn't know, and if he looked like my partner or shared his last name, I would have seriously considered waiting until he was an adult to tell him just to preserve his sense of family through childhood. As it was, I answered that of course he's his real dad, but he's not the man who contributed half his DNA. I think I must have needed to be actively bringing it up on a monthly basis, creating opportunities to talk about it. That feels weird too, like I would be making a big deal out of it. I don't envy parents who have to find that balance, not letting their two, three and four year olds forget that they're adopted but not making that feel like a constant reminder that this isn't a real or normal family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 His parents reasons for not telling him sooner? "You never asked". He seems to be taking it in stride, and I'm not an adoptee or an adoptive mom, but somehow it seems wrong to wait so long to tell him. As bizarre as that sounds, I know an adult this happened to. I can't imagine not telling a child about being adopted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beaners Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 My sons were three and 14 months when they started referring to my now ex-partner as dad. They don't remember living with their biological dad. I thought I was raising them with the knowledge. Certainly, it wasn't a secret. But when my now-9yo, who was 14 months when he gained his dad, was 3 or 4 years old, he came to me upset, wanting confirmation of what his older brother was saying about whether or not, "Daddy is my real dad." I hadn't realized this wasn't on his radar. If he had been a few years older, and I realized only then that he didn't know, and if he looked like my partner or shared his last name, I would have seriously considered waiting until he was an adult to tell him just to preserve his sense of family through childhood. As it was, I answered that of course he's his real dad, but he's not the man who contributed half his DNA. I think I must have needed to be actively bringing it up on a monthly basis, creating opportunities to talk about it. That feels weird too, like I would be making a big deal out of it. I don't envy parents who have to find that balance, not letting their two, three and four year olds forget that they're adopted but not making that feel like a constant reminder that this isn't a real or normal family. I've been hesitant about posting on this thread because it's such a touchy subject. We have a member of our extended family who was adopted as a toddler. It was never a secret, and referred to occasionally in conversation. (As in "I haven't seen a picture of her since she got off the plane, she is so big now!" rather than "Meet my adopted son.") A sibling was adopted a few years later. It wasn't hidden, and it was referred to, but apparently a specific conversation either never occurred or was forgotten by the child. Early in middle school, there was a melt down because the child suddenly realized an adoption had taken place. I would imagine walking the line between overly emphasizing the adoption and recognizing that it occurred must be very, very difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think I must have needed to be actively bringing it up on a monthly basis, creating opportunities to talk about it. That feels weird too, like I would be making a big deal out of it. I don't envy parents who have to find that balance, not letting their two, three and four year olds forget that they're adopted but not making that feel like a constant reminder that this isn't a real or normal family. I don't think it's hard to find a balance in our case where DH and I both adopted our son. I can see how it would be more difficult to bring it up in cases like yours where one parent is the biological parent and one isn't. For us, it was very, very normal. We have a couple story books we read to him when he was smaller about adoption. We would tell him his adoption story on occasion, and so would my mother when she visited. He liked to hear it from her perspective. We'd make comments about how joyful we were the first time we saw him. The conversations have evolved from stories we told him when he was small to him actively asking us questions about his adoption and birth parents. The only time things get difficult is when we don't have answers to his questions. I want to be able to answer everything, but you're usually given very limited information in an oversees adoption. We don't have all the answers. DS is very secure with everything. I think he understands it as well as an 8 year-old can, and treats it like it's no big deal. I also think it does help that he has friends that are adopted (our best friends adopted a son when our DS was 18 months old, and they're best friends). It surrounds him and is his normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 In these posts I see people projecting their own views on the family. We don't know the family and their culture. Please stop saying "poor child". As far as the heritage goes, so many kids who are born here but have parents from another country are not raised in their heritage. They are raised as Americans. Please don't rush to judgment. So what if the Korean-born is raised as a Chinese. His parents aren't Korean. My parents are from two different countries. I was not raised with either language or set of customs. I do not need therapy and I am perfectly happy with how I came out. My husband's family tree can be traced back to one of the famous English leaders in the 13 colonies. Do you know how many people have told him "You poor thing, you are from the English." Now he jokes that he needs therapy for that. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I admit I skimmed over the responses, but here's something I haven't seen mentioned (except indirectly by the pp talking about birth stories). My friend spent her entire life (she was 40 when she found out) being proud of her Native American heritage. Her mom had already passed away when she found out, and her father (also now passed on) didn't really give her much information. The heritage she was so proud of isn't even hers. And she doesn't know what her real heritage is. Even more important, she spent a lifetime filling out medical forms regarding family medical history. Now she realizes none of it was true. And worse, she doesn't know what conditions, if any actually were in her family. This not only affects her, but her children too. Every reason I've seen given here for keeping the information from a child doesn't really benefit the adoptee in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In2why Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 My sons were three and 14 months when they started referring to my now ex-partner as dad. They don't remember living with their biological dad. I thought I was raising them with the knowledge. Certainly, it wasn't a secret. But when my now-9yo, who was 14 months when he gained his dad, was 3 or 4 years old, he came to me upset, wanting confirmation of what his older brother was saying about whether or not, "Daddy is my real dad." I hadn't realized this wasn't on his radar. If he had been a few years older, and I realized only then that he didn't know, and if he looked like my partner or shared his last name, I would have seriously considered waiting until he was an adult to tell him just to preserve his sense of family through childhood. As it was, I answered that of course he's his real dad, but he's not the man who contributed half his DNA. I think I must have needed to be actively bringing it up on a monthly basis, creating opportunities to talk about it. That feels weird too, like I would be making a big deal out of it. I don't envy parents who have to find that balance, not letting their two, three and four year olds forget that they're adopted but not making that feel like a constant reminder that this isn't a real or normal family. I can see how it would be harder in the case of a step parent situation, but it isn't hard as an adoptive parent and comes quite naturally. Most kids look at their baby books or photo albums and we do the same, but instead of discussing how we saw him in the hospital we talk about the first time we met him and how I cried and what he was wearing and what we did. We talk about families, when that comes up, and how they are made, through birth, adoption, and marriage. (I would hope that even people without adoption in their lives would consider doing the same) We have pictures of him when we met him, and our travel home (domestic adoption, but across the state) When we go to Richmond to a museum or a sport event he can point out "our" rest stop, the place his Dad and I stopped to spend a little more time with him before we continued home to introduce him to the rest of the family. We felt so blessed and lucky to have him as part of our family. As he has gotten older, he has some questions and asked if I was his real mother. I tell him I am, but that he has another Mother who gave birth to him. I tell him what I know about her. (closed adoption but with lots of background info) I tell him that when he is an adult if he wants to meet her I will be happy to help him. (her choice to have a closed adoption, but by law when he is 21 he can request his records) We have extensive records and as he asks more I tell him more, there is only one 'major' thing that he doesn't know, because it isn't a natural conversation thing, and it concerns his birth father and I tell him what we know, which is nothing, because his birth mother didn't provide any info in the records. He will be able to infer the situation as he gets older and reads those records, and we don't hide it, it is right there in front of him, but at this age he can't read between the lines, but he will be able to eventually. We don't talk about adoption all the time, not even weekly or monthly, but we use the opportunities as they arise for it to feel natural. As for the not biological Dad situation, I would suggest the same thing. IF your child runs fast or aces a math test, you could casually state that "John Smith" was fast or good at math and maybe he got that from that side of the family. Or in our family that includes children that are my Bio children and not my husbands I have told my olders that they act like their Dad (my DH) but they sure have their Bio's (I use his name) Feet/or ears/ or smile. Nothing earth shattering, but casual and easy going as the opportunity arise. It is up to the parents in a situation that isn't obvious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think you read my post with a deep and raw bias; minus that, it’s more apparent that I’m not condoning or even justifying the adoptive parents’ decision. I didn’t comment on the rightness or wrongness of their decision. I offered the benefit of my doubt, that though this is how things played out likely it wasn’t done with any malintent or obvious intention to deceive. If that were the case, I suspect they’d have done a bigger dance upon the child’s questioning; as it was, the kid asked and the parents revealed the truth. Omission is deception when it comes to something this basic. I’m not, and have never, suggested otherwise. I reiterate that intent matters. It may not matter as much in the emotional trenches, but from the side of reason and logic – it’s an important factor. And we do not and cannot know the intent of the parents in question. In my experience (both personal and professional) adoptive parents don’t set out to intentionally deceive their children. It’s something that sometimes unfolds that way, for a myriad of reasons. I can't believe that anyone adopting a child hasn't read a book, talked to other adoptive parents, or even looked on the internet enough to know that adoption and truth are important. Adoption isn't unchartered territory, and a home study is and has been required for a long time where this very issue is discussed. I don't think every adoptee cares about thier birth parents, or think that it is a big deal, but they at least deserve to know, and why in the world would anyone think that an okay way to find out is a huge revealing conversation, a death bed confesssion, or finding out when someone else outside the family knows something about you, that you didn't know. I don’t disagree with you. I think where we split roads is back at the issue of intent. You seem to believe that this this type of ‘deception by omission’ is a crafted, intentional deceit, whereas I feel that most parents in this situation find themselves there unintentionally. The child in question is 15 years old. You have to consider the situation from that POV, rather than from today’s perspective. 15 years ago, the internet was still relatively new. Groups and forums were primitive, and social networking wasn’t anything near the behemoth it is today. Books existed, but have you read any literature from that era? The advice isn’t too unlike (other) parenting advice in that the flavor is constantly changing; back then, you were advised to not make a big deal of the adoption, lest the child develop a complex or low self-esteem. That’s still the goal of today’s advice, but the hows have changed: now you’re supposed to let the kid know before he’s consciously aware of being adopted. And we’ve already established that talking to other parents can be helpful, but since every experience is different there’s no one set, carved in stone way to handle this. For many families, it’s learn as you go. That’s unfortunate, but a very true reality for some families. In my initial post, I said this about adoption: for some families (like, perhaps, the OP) it’s completely unchartered territory. Your reply leads me to believe you read it as ADOPTION is unchartered territory. No, of course it isn’t, as an institution. But yes – yes it is for some families. As an adoptive parent, you have the benefit of your experience as an adoptee to guide you through the process; not everyone has that. A key difference, and perfect example of my original point. This is self serving and, frankly, a bit disgusting. Worry about losing the child's love? There is a much larger chance of losing the child's love when they find out as a teen or adult that you have kept something like this from them. Lets think about the option. Most adoptive parents make adoption no big deal and the children can't even remember not knowing they were adopted, and it is treated is not a big deal unless the child asks specific questions, and then they are answered in age appropriate ways. Versus never telling, hoping that no one else tells, and then having the bubble burst and in the OP's case find out as a teen when hormones and parental separation are the norm as part of natural development. That it disgusts you explains your POV. Parents aren’t perfect. Insecurity doesn’t lend itself to rational thought, nor does fear. To imagine the loss of love and respect from someone you care so much about and wanted so badly to have? Very overwhelming for some. So much so that maybe they bury their heads in the sand, and that they are certainly prone to illogical decisions and choices. They’re human, after all, and at risk of losing the thing they most love. The bigger picture never factors in; it’s all about the day to day survival or status quo. It's panic, not rationality. And again, it’s not that I’m arguing the right or wrong way to handle an adoption; I’m simply saying that I don’t think all adoptive parents arrive at that place intentionally. I am not an armchair specatator, I am an adoptee, and an adoptive parent. I am also right. I am not stating that to say that you are wrong and I am right. But I am saying that if anyone is reading this and deciding if they will tell their adoptee or potential adoptive child in a natural way, or wait until it becomes a shock, I sincerely hope that they look into this beyond this board, and realize how potentially damaging a secret like this can be. Why take that risk, when adoption is not a big deal anymore and isn't shameful? Armchair spectators to the OP, is what I meant. Like you, I have intimate experience with this type of situation. Years of academic study and I'm involved on professional and volunteer levels. Because you and I share that familiarity, we both know that each situation is so different and each family has its own dynamics and culture at play. I read the thread and had decided not to comment. Your post compelled me to chime in. So many posts were quick to take sides without considering the complexity of the situation. I had guessed that you were an adoptee, and wrote my original post with that in mind. It was clear you had a stake in the topic. I didn’t realize my post would hit the chord it did, with you, and in hindsight perhaps I should’ve stuck to my original plan of keeping quiet. But I didn’t, and it’s too late to change that. I can only hope that you re-read my words as they’re written and intended: not to advise anyone on how to handle an adoption, not to pass judgment on anyone’s decisions as an adoptive parent, not to belittle anyone’s experience as an adoptee, not to weigh in at all on how different families choose to handle the situation. None of that. My posts are merely to suggest that it’s important to weigh intent. Not just to preserve the parent-child relationship, but also to move forward in one’s own healing/acceptance process. Of course many people don't see their birth family or birth story as important. But that should be their choice, not made for them. It is a basic human right. If you aren't even told, you don't get to have a preference. I would even venture to guess that they are less likely to care if it isn't treated as a big secret. I would also say that not telling says more about the adoptive parents than it ever could about the child. Is it a basic human right? I suppose that’s a question for a spin-off thread. I see it as a privilege. Most of the people I know and work with are refugees, so not your standard western middle-class adoption situations – I imagine it’s different. I think access to medical information would be a right, but just knowing one's birth history? I think we each bring our own experiences to this one, and we can agree to disagree. Your last sentence shows we agree on the main point, which I stressed in my original post when referencing your mention of “shame” – the situation is more reflective of the parent, not the child. Parents are imperfect; people are imperfect. Some will intentionally deceive, but I don’t think the majority of adoptive parents fall into this category. I have no idea how old you are, but you're likely close in age to my parents (given the ages of children in your signature, which are close in age to me and my own siblings). That era did so many things wrong WRT adoption; I think they did the best they could, but it wasn't good enough. That's why the swing to more open adoptions and the opening of medical and non-identifying records. I don't know that today's adoptees will appreciate this, or if they'll be moaning in the future about how their parents couldn't let go of the adoption issue and kept bringing it up as relevant situations arose. Who knows. And each kid is so different. But I'd argue then, as now, that we do the best we can with what we have and know. That the intent was usually good, even if the follow-through didn't pan out as each parent had hoped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Why take that risk, when adoption is not a big deal anymore and isn't shameful? I think as much as we'd like to believe this it isn't quite true in all situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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