Ds22 flew to NYC this a.m. - did not tell me he was going WWD?

[Kathleen in VA]

Ds22 works nights 6pm-6am/4 nights a week. He usually shows up here at about 7am and then crashes in his bed. At 9:30am his gf who lives in TX called and asked if I had heard from him. Ummm, ok, let me check the driveway and the bed (I was asleep because I had stayed up until 3am w/Dd19 just talking about her life, friends, etc.). Nope, no car in the driveway, no son asleep in his bed.

 

So I call his cell phone. Nothing. 10:00am I try again. 10:45am I try again.

 

We live in the country with some pretty tricky roads between us and Quantico (where he works). Ds does not get enough sleep - always pushing the envelope where that's concerned. I'm wondering if he's gone off the road somewhere and is wrapped around a tree.

 

11:00 he calls.

 

Me: Where have you been?

Son: At the airport. I flew from Dulles to JFK.

Me: You're kidding, right?

Son: No. The tickets were really cheap and it was such a good deal and I've never been to NYC before.

Me: *Stunned silence.* Umm, ok. When did you decide to do this?

Son: about 5:45 this morning.

Me: When will you be back?

Son: Well, I could come back this evening, but I'm also thinking about flying from here to San Antonio to see gf in which case I'll come back on Monday.

 

It's more complicated than that actually. His gf's "foreign exchange sister" is flying into JFK today for a 7-hour layover on her way back to France and Ds wanted to meet her since he's skyped gf and talked to FE sister a lot that way. I'm thinking gf is not going to be cool with this. If I were gf I would not be cool with that. So Ds says yes, he realizes it could look bad and that is why he also wants to fly to San Antonio to see gf. Also, in the last month or so he and gf (whom he met at least 5 years ago at a Civil Air Patrol activity in Alabama and has been corresponding with ever since) have been getting more serious about each other and I think he's thinking about popping the question.

 

He has tickets to a dinner theater to see "White Christmas" tonight. He and Dd19 and several of his cousins had planned weeks ago to see this performance because a friend from church is in the cast and they wanted to support her and thought it sounded like fun. I called Ds last night at work to verify that he, indeed, was planning on driving his sister to the theater freeing me up to do something with the two littles (not so little but we still call them that). He confirmed that yes, he would be able to take her, and so I made plans with the littles. This morning I reminded Ds on the phone of said plan and he seemed unfazed. He figured his cousins would just take her - he does not realize the logistical nightmare he has caused because now I have to figure Dd19 into my evening plans again. That's complicated too but just take my word that it creates a problem. I'll deal with it, but it would've been nice to know.

 

Oh, and did I mention my birthday is Monday and we are planning on celebrating it on Sunday with Ds24 and his wife and my granddaughter whom I see very little of due to car issues and Ds24's work/school schedule? I know he knows that because we talked about it before he left for work last night.

 

FE sister called him while we were talking so I just said good-bye. I really don't know what to think.

 

Do other people have kids who just decide one morning to fly to NYC and not bother to call and ask if that would be ok? I realize he's an adult, but he lives here. For four hours I've been wondering if he's lying in an ER unconscious or something. Part of me says this is what young folks do - they just decide to do things and then think about them later. Part of me wants to scream. Part of me wants to bonk him on the head with a pool noodle when and if he ever decides to come back home.

 

What would you do? (Oh, I just noticed I left the "Y" out of my title. Can you tell I'm a bit - oh, I don't know - unsettled?)

Edited December 9, 2011 by Kathleen in VA

[Tammyla]

Big hug.

 

I wouldn't be happy, but at his age...it's his decision.

 

Consider thinking and praying on your house rules and general respect / notification for adults living there. Leaving without telling anyone or leaving a note, text, phone message etc. is really rude and in many ways irresponsible. (My impression is that he isn't renting.)

 

That said, young is young:glare:. Remind him of his manners;).

[livingnlearning]

My husband would have and did do things like that all the time at that age. He's always been an adventurous, live for the day time of guy-not sure if that describes your son? It does seem like a young guy sort of thing to do, to me... but if it's completely out of character for your son I'd wonder about him.

[MamaT]

I would go on with the birthday dinner without him, and let him know you were disappointed he wasn't there. I would have a serious conversation with him about how worried you were, and let him know as long as he lives in your home to let you know about crazy ideas to run off beforehand.

 

Before he gets home, I would do the screaming thing and have many fantasies about bonking him over the head (with something more substantial than a pool noodle). Get it out of your system. :001_smile:

 

Young adults do not think through the consequences of their actions sometimes (especially how it will effect other people). I'm sorry it complicates your plans.

 

Young adults are sometimes harder than toddlers.

[PeacefulChaos]

TBH, I wouldn't concern myself with it. Not my business. :)

[ZooRho]

parent of an adult child here too.

now he has been away at school so we don't deal much with that but he does do that kind of things in a way.

 

He is coming home to finish school online, I'm freaking out to know that we can deal with him living in our home again for a year or so. EEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 

 

I'm a feeling for ya.

 

Don't know that there is much you can do, but express to him the need to be considerate of others who may be concerned.

[Puma Mom]

I would have a talk when he got back about why it's courteous and reasonable and what adults do to let others know of their whereabouts and significant changes in plans. Certainly the people you live with should know when you're flying somewhere unless that's just a normal part of your life.

 

I would not expect him to ask if it were OK. That would be his call. I would remind him about the commitments and plans that were made that involved him and that an adult would be expect to have arranged for his commitments to be covered and to take into consideration things like birthday celebrations when they decided to take an impromptu trip.

[snickelfritz]

The fact he did this to me is no big deal. The fact he didn't at least call to mention he wouldn't be home is not very considerate. He doesn't need permission, but to me it's the mature adult thing to consider the feelings of the people in your life.

 

Yep. Didn't bother to tell mom OR girlfriend.

 

Maybe you should let girlfriend be the real heavy on this one? Will she let him know she was worried or blow it off?

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it is your business because he lives with you. Would you take off on a plane without telling your family where you are going, even though you are an adult? No, it's rude and inconsiderate.

 

I would probably stay out of the girlfriend stuff unless he asked me about it.

 

I do agree with MamaT that young adults don't think all of the implications and consequences through before acting. :grouphug:

[snickelfritz]

 

I would not expect him to ask if it were OK. That would be his call. I would remind him about the commitments and plans that were made that involved him and that an adult would be expect to have arranged for his commitments to be covered and to take into consideration things like birthday celebrations when they decided to take an impromptu trip.

 

Well, yeah. Definitely agree with that too.

[abbeyej]

It seems to me that you're mixing a number of issues. And some of them are important and impact you and others are things you need to let go...

 

The two that are important are: 1) An adult who lives in your home needs to have the courtesy of letting you know when plans change radically, so you won't worry. Let him know that it was thoughtless and rude of him not to let you know he would not be home. And that this is a courtesy one would expect of any adult sharing a home -- simply saying/texting , "I caught a plane to NYC and won't be back this morning. I'll let you know the details later" would have saved you a lot of worry. 2) He made a commitment to take his sister somewhere and flaked. Thoughtless and rude to her and also to you / the cousins whom he just figured would magically pick up the slack. He needed to remember his commitment and make alternative arrangements.

 

The rest... Visiting his GF's foreign exchange friend, skipping out on a play, even possibly missing out on a family birthday celebration don't really seem to me like they're your business. You could say, later on, "It hurt my feelings that you blew off my birthday", but I don't think it's an issue where you should be upset that he has done something morally *wrong*.

 

I think it's important to let him know that you aren't trying to "parent" him in the way you would a 14yo. He's an adult. *But* there's a certain level of courtesy and mutual respect we expect in our relationships with other adults. He blew some of those off and should understand that it hurts, frustrates, and annoys those in his life.

 

But if he wants to go to NYC at the last minute, I think that's fine. And I think you need to stay way far away from the relationship with the GF/FE friend.

[Catwoman]

I think it is your business because he lives with you. Would you take off on a plane without telling your family where you are going, even though you are an adult? No, it's rude and inconsiderate.

 

I would probably stay out of the girlfriend stuff unless he asked me about it.

 

 

:iagree:

 

OK, call me suspicious, but I think he has feelings for the foreign exchange girl and didn't want to miss out on a chance to meet her. :tongue_smilie:

 

Otherwise, unless he does this sort of thing all the time (and apparently, he doesn't,) this sudden need to visit NYC without telling a soul makes no sense at all.

 

I would be livid if my ds pulled a stunt like that. If you want to go, fine, but have the courtesy to call and let me know. Even if it's 5am. Or 3am. I don't care. But you don't just get on a plane and disappear without telling anyone.

[jennsmile]

He sounds impulsive. And like he is enjoying life. Not the greatest plan but I could see a brother doing that.

[jplain]

Agreeing with everyone else that it was extremely inconsiderate not to let you know where he was going, especially since he's already made a commitment to be somewhere else.

 

And it is just bizarre that he didn't tell his "serious" girlfriend that he was flying to NYC to meet a female friend of hers. What's up with that? :blink:

 

Not that it would necessarily be inappropriate, but not telling her makes him sound sneaky and/or guilty of something.

 

If I was the GF, he'd have some explaining to do. :sneaky2:

Edited December 9, 2011 by jplain

[LinRTX]

Well he is 22, so I would say it is his decision. He is not really thinking ahead, but they don't at this age.

 

My 24yo was planning on backpacking around India on his own. He was not going to tell us. So I would have tried to call his cell for 10 days without an answer -- I would have been frantic.

 

The only way I found out ahead of time is I called to tell him they had just put my father (his grandfather) on 24 hr hospice care and it would be a matter of only days. At that point he says he is leaving in 3 days for India. The morning my dad died I called him at the airport in Chicago -- his connecting flight to India.

 

Boys at that age do this all the time.

 

Linda

[Myeightkiddies]

He is old enough to do what he wants when he wants. It isn't really any of your business.

 

EXCEPT...

 

He lives at home. That makes it your business. In this case he didn't show and you were concerned.

 

My rule is that adult children can do whatever they want when they want. They are adults. However, if they are living at home, they are part of the household family. As such, they must take into consideration the other people that are part of that household family. This includes informing others if they are not coming home or being considerably late from their current schedule. One reason for doing this is because their actions affect others here. While they can make the decision to do what they want, they should not cause others to worry because they decided not to show or to venture off their schedule.

 

Be considerate of others within the household family by causing them not to be concerned about sudden changes in schedule, OR move-out of the house.

 

Informing a parent of what you are doing isn't being a child. It's being a respectful adult. You aren't asking permission; however, you are mature enough to know that a sudden change in your schedule (or sudden disappearance) will cause concern to others living in the same household. If he (or she or whoever) wants to be an adult and do what they want, they can move-out or act like an adult and tell people what they are doing while living at home.

[Carol in Cal.]

He's at a flakey age. I don't think you should count on him too much.

Yes, he should have told you.

No, he should not have skipped out on the commitment to the play, although at that age kids tend to think of their parents as rocks of stability that can weather anything like that with complete unfazed aplomb.

 

But really, he is going to get his back up if you object too much, and he might start making himself scarce all the time.

 

I wouldn't risk it.

 

I would just talk about keeping you in the loop via email because you're worried about his whereabouts, and leave it there.

 

BTW, I do think that something is probably up with the sister from overseas. Probably more or less unconsciously though. Guys...

[Kathleen in VA]

Yep. Didn't bother to tell mom OR girlfriend.

 

Maybe you should let girlfriend be the real heavy on this one? Will she let him know she was worried or blow it off?

 

When he called he mentioned that gf had called and was very angry with him. That's satisfying in that he realizes I'm not just an overprotective hyper helicopter mom - other people find this odd too. His gf told him he should call me. Thank you gf - points in your favor.:D

 

He has always been - I'm not sure - different. He's always been my most difficult child, but that doesn't mean he's a problem child - just odd. He's very, very sweet - he tears up at the end of the BBC Pride and Prejudice when Mrs. Bennett says, "God has been very good to us." He tears up watching Toy Story! He's very sweet - just seems out of touch with the rest of world sometimes. Kind of in his own little world. I've always know he will need to marry someone who is super organized and somewhat bossy just to keep him connected to the rest of us. He's brilliant in a lot of ways - geeky and tech-y and all that - can fix anything. He's got his own computer server set up in our garage!!! But he seems not to realize the whole cause and effect thingy in life.

 

Here's how his reasoning went on the calling or not calling thing. He decided all this at work at 5am. He was done making all the reservations, etc. by 5:30am. He thought that was too early to call home (although dh is always up and puttering around getting ready for work then). He left work at 6am and drove to Dulles. He just got a new iPhone (bought it used from someone at work) and it wasn't working. Sometime between 7am and 11am he found someone at JFK who showed him how to reboot it and then he called. Didn't occur to him to try a payphone (they still have those at airports right?) or if he could just borrow someone's phone to call home (are people likely to be ok with that?). He should have called from work before he bought the tickets, but he probably felt like he needed to snag them before the great deal disappeared.

 

I also think he felt sure I'd tell him he was nuts and that he promised to take his sister to a play tonight and what in the ding-dong was he thinking??? So he opted out of having to deal with that and just called after the fact. Yes, we need to have a little talk about doing what you say you will do and at least calling asap if your plans change.

 

This is rather uncharacteristic of him, but for some reason it doesn't surprise me too much. I think it's been bubbling just under the surface for several months (the desire to just go and do something - especially visiting gf in TX).

 

He does have a fairly decent job - just started in September - and feels "rich" but he isn't really. He's just so used to not having any money at all that having any discretionary income makes him feel rich. He doesn't pay rent but he contributes in other ways. He recently bought me a french door/bottom freezer refrigerator (used) because of my back problems so I wouldn't have to bend over to get stuff out of the fridge. He fills our cars with gas periodically and picks up stuff at the store (un-reimbursed) all the time on his way home from work. I know he's saving for when he moves out and I know around here that will be nearly impossible on what he earns (Northern Virginia) so I really just want him to keep putting his money in the bank. He did the Dave Ramsay Financial Peace University class and is very good about his money (unless tickets to NYC are especially cheap!!!!!).

 

I just read the newer posts and I, too, have a suspicion about the exchange student. It does seem weird to me. It would be very uncharacteristic for him to be sneaky though. It's more likely, when I take his whole personality into consideration, that he just wasn't thinking about how it might look to gf. He's a face value kind of person for the most part. If I were gf, though, I'd be stewing right about now.

 

Man, I'm glad I have some time to process all this before I have to talk to him. Thanks for your input and insight guys.

[jenn-]

This would fall under the "my house, my rules" territory. Does he have to ask permission before flying off somewhere? No. Does he have to tell you when he doesn't plan on being in his bed in the morning? Absolutely. If he wants the freedom to come and go as he pleases 100%, he needs to start looking for an apartment to rent. Even then it is considerate to tell another adult when traveling in case the unthinkable happens.

[DianeW88]

Agreeing with everyone else that it was extremely inconsiderate not to let you know where he was going, especially since he's already made a commitment to be somewhere else.

 

And it is just bizarre that he didn't tell his "serious" girlfriend that he was flying to NYC to meet a female friend of hers. What's up with that? :blink:

 

Not that it would necessarily be inappropriate, but not telling her makes him sound sneaky and/or guilty of something.

 

If I was the GF, he'd have some explaining to do. :sneaky2:

 

:iagree: And I'd tell him that you'd appreciate a heads-up if he does something like that in the future. Not to ask permission, but as a courtesy.

 

Then I'd let the gf handle the rest. Because seriously, he has some 'splainin' to do. :lol:

[Guest]

:iagree:

 

OK, call me suspicious, but I think he has feelings for the foreign exchange girl and didn't want to miss out on a chance to meet her. :tongue_smilie:

 

Otherwise, unless he does this sort of thing all the time (and apparently, he doesn't,) this sudden need to visit NYC without telling a soul makes no sense at all.

 

I would be livid if my ds pulled a stunt like that. If you want to go, fine, but have the courtesy to call and let me know. Even if it's 5am. Or 3am. I don't care. But you don't just get on a plane and disappear without telling anyone.

 

I agree with this. I know everyone is saying it's none of her business, but I would be concerned if my ds did this and I would talk to him about it. I would talk to him about the right way to treat women. You know his g/f has to be wondering the same thing. He "just happens" to decide to fly to NYC on the same day the FE student from France is connecting on a flight there. Wow. Anyway, while it is between the son and g/f I would warn him of the possible consequences of this (suspicion, hurt feelings, anger, etc.) and then let him make his own decision.

 

I'm 30 and I will still take my parent's advice (if I agree with it). I don't believe a parent's job is ever finished. Most people can benefit from their parents wisdom even as adults.

 

As far as the rest, the main thing is that he didn't let you know beforehand and let you worry. I would definitely address this. I wouldn't fight him on it, just discuss it. Don't be confrontational about it.

[Wabi Sabi]

I would not be upset, especially given your last post with the additional information. He's young and had an absolute last-minute opportunity to have a fun little adventure for which (I assume) he paid for on his own. It sounds as though it happened very quickly and he DID call you as soon as he had a chance. There wasn't time to give you a head's up if he made these plans at 5:30 am and then was immediately off to the airport trying to get boarded onto his flight with a non-functioning phone!

 

Granted, I don't have a child of that age yet, but I do know what it's like to be 22 years old and at that age four hours without calling Mom is no big deal, IMO.

 

As far as the girlfriend business- let them work it out. Sounds like the girlfriend has no problem giving him a piece of her mind, LOL.

[TheApprentice]

:grouphug: A bit inconsiderate, agreed. And I understand your concern (I would be as well) But, he did call you and he's an adult and can come and go as he pleases.

[elfgivas]

we have a "ditch" rule for adult children, that we started when we had young college students boarding with us.

 

with them, the talk went something like

 

"I am not your mother. i dont' need to know where you are or what you are doing. at the same time, we share living space. so if you are not going to coming back to the house at night, i would like a phone call first thing in the morning letting me know that you "are not in a ditch somewhere". otherwise, i'll worry."

 

that's it, that's all.

 

so when our first two became adults, we did the same thing..... so even though one now lives in another country and is married, and the other is in another city, they both text or email to let us know if they are not in their usual place.

 

and all of us except one dd is completely capable of, and even likely to, do something spontaneous involving planes, trains or automobiles.... another house rule is that thou shalt text once one has boarded a plane and say "on plane to xyz". and again when you land "on the ground at xyz"....

 

however, none of us would miss a birthday or another commitment to be spontaneous like that. it sounds to me as if maybe he went to nyc to see the foreign exchange student..... and that is something altogether different.

 

plane tickets are rarely cheap at the last moment..... even standby can be more than reserved tickets when there is a good deal.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Guest]

When he called he mentioned that gf had called and was very angry with him. That's satisfying in that he realizes I'm not just an overprotective hyper helicopter mom - other people find this odd too. His gf told him he should call me. Thank you gf - points in your favor.:D

 

He has always been - I'm not sure - different. He's always been my most difficult child, but that doesn't mean he's a problem child - just odd. He's very, very sweet - he tears up at the end of the BBC Pride and Prejudice when Mrs. Bennett says, "God has been very good to us." He tears up watching Toy Story! He's very sweet - just seems out of touch with the rest of world sometimes. Kind of in his own little world. I've always know he will need to marry someone who is super organized and somewhat bossy just to keep him connected to the rest of us. He's brilliant in a lot of ways - geeky and tech-y and all that - can fix anything. He's got his own computer server set up in our garage!!! But he seems not to realize the whole cause and effect thingy in life.

 

Here's how his reasoning went on the calling or not calling thing. He decided all this at work at 5am. He was done making all the reservations, etc. by 5:30am. He thought that was too early to call home (although dh is always up and puttering around getting ready for work then). He left work at 6am and drove to Dulles. He just got a new iPhone (bought it used from someone at work) and it wasn't working. Sometime between 7am and 11am he found someone at JFK who showed him how to reboot it and then he called. Didn't occur to him to try a payphone (they still have those at airports right?) or if he could just borrow someone's phone to call home (are people likely to be ok with that?). He should have called from work before he bought the tickets, but he probably felt like he needed to snag them before the great deal disappeared.

 

I also think he felt sure I'd tell him he was nuts and that he promised to take his sister to a play tonight and what in the ding-dong was he thinking??? So he opted out of having to deal with that and just called after the fact. Yes, we need to have a little talk about doing what you say you will do and at least calling asap if your plans change.

 

This is rather uncharacteristic of him, but for some reason it doesn't surprise me too much. I think it's been bubbling just under the surface for several months (the desire to just go and do something - especially visiting gf in TX).

 

He does have a fairly decent job - just started in September - and feels "rich" but he isn't really. He's just so used to not having any money at all that having any discretionary income makes him feel rich. He doesn't pay rent but he contributes in other ways. He recently bought me a french door/bottom freezer refrigerator (used) because of my back problems so I wouldn't have to bend over to get stuff out of the fridge. He fills our cars with gas periodically and picks up stuff at the store (un-reimbursed) all the time on his way home from work. I know he's saving for when he moves out and I know around here that will be nearly impossible on what he earns (Northern Virginia) so I really just want him to keep putting his money in the bank. He did the Dave Ramsay Financial Peace University class and is very good about his money (unless tickets to NYC are especially cheap!!!!!).

 

I just read the newer posts and I, too, have a suspicion about the exchange student. It does seem weird to me. It would be very uncharacteristic for him to be sneaky though. It's more likely, when I take his whole personality into consideration, that he just wasn't thinking about how it might look to gf. He's a face value kind of person for the most part. If I were gf, though, I'd be stewing right about now.

 

Man, I'm glad I have some time to process all this before I have to talk to him. Thanks for your input and insight guys.

 

Your son sounds very sweet! That is all the more reason I would warn him about the potential problems that meeting up with said foreign exchange student could cause. He really could just be that oblivious. Or it might be subconscious. Either way, it could cause serious hurt feelings with g/f. I would be upset if I were her.

 

I do understand doing random exciting things. I am pretty spontaneous myself. I just need more money. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm curious as to how cheap the flight to NYC was.

[J-rap]

I agree with this. I know everyone is saying it's none of her business, but I would be concerned if my ds did this and I would talk to him about it. I would talk to him about the right way to treat women. You know his g/f has to be wondering the same thing. He "just happens" to decide to fly to NYC on the same day the FE student from France is connecting on a flight there. Wow. Anyway, while it is between the son and g/f I would warn him of the possible consequences of this (suspicion, hurt feelings, anger, etc.) and then let him make his own decision.

 

I'm 30 and I will still take my parent's advice (if I agree with it). I don't believe a parent's job is ever finished. Most people can benefit from their parents wisdom even as adults.

 

As far as the rest, the main thing is that he didn't let you know beforehand and let you worry. I would definitely address this. I wouldn't fight him on it, just discuss it. Don't be confrontational about it.

 

I agree with this, except that I'm not 30. :)

[Daisy]

The fact he did this to me is no big deal. The fact he didn't at least call to mention he wouldn't be home is not very considerate. He doesn't need permission, but to me it's the mature adult thing to consider the feelings of the people in your life.

 

Exactly. I don't have a problem with his actions (jumping on a plane to JFK), but he should have called you (even after the fact) since he still lives with you.

[OLG]

My take is that he is simply testing his wings and didn't think all of it through. No need to come down on him at this age! Express your concerns and let it be.

[Parker Martin]

The son is smitten with the foreign exchange student. Men don't just "happen" to take last minute flights to meet up with women in other states. Girlfriend's days as girlfriend are probably numbered.

 

But I would stay out of that. That's his business.

 

I agree with others who have said that they would tell him that he should have given you a heads up because he lives with you. It's the same with roommates. You don't just disappear unless you want your roommates calling the police.

[butterflymommy]

If he's paying for it, and he contributes money and chore-wise around the house, then I'd just let him enjoy himself.

[Kathleen in VA]

I would not be upset, especially given your last post with the additional information. He's young and had an absolute last-minute opportunity to have a fun little adventure for which (I assume) he paid for on his own. It sounds as though it happened very quickly and he DID call you as soon as he had a chance. There wasn't time to give you a head's up if he made these plans at 5:30 am and then was immediately off to the airport trying to get boarded onto his flight with a non-functioning phone!

 

Granted, I don't have a child of that age yet, but I do know what it's like to be 22 years old and at that age four hours without calling Mom is no big deal, IMO.

 

As far as the girlfriend business- let them work it out. Sounds like the girlfriend has no problem giving him a piece of her mind, LOL.

 

While I was still on the phone with him I had so many emotions running through me - there were times when I wanted to just rant and rave - but thankfully I managed to remain calm. Dd12 listened to my side of the conversation and after I hung up her only comment was how amazed she was at how I didn't get really, really, really angry at him.:D

 

Anyway, I thought I didn't really want to ruin the trip for him. So I said something like this, "I understand why you wanted to go and that you got a great price on the ticket. I understand the trouble you had with your phone and although you could have, I understand why you felt it was too early to call when you were still at work. I understand why you want to visit gf in SA too. I get it, really. I just was worried and it would have been nice to know where you were." I did not want to put a sour note on his whole day so we hung up with "I love yous" and I think he was feeling ok.

 

Usually, four hours is ok on not hearing anything either. I've gotten more antsy since he started working nights and has been burning the candle at both ends. It's a tough situation for him. He works 3/4 days a week, 12-hour shifts. The other days when he's not working he really ought to stay on that schedule (sleep during the day/do stuff at night) but there's nothing to do in the middle of the night, kwim? So he stays up and meets up with friends for lunch or goes hunting (ACK!!!!!) or stops in at Lowes to look at tools and gadgets. He comes home and really ought to sleep but keeps going - he wants to be with the family. He cleaned out the gutters and does other heavy duty chores around here, too. Then he gets all out of kilter and has to go back to work with his schedule all whacked and crazy. So if he doesn't come home from work right away I do worry that he's in a ditch off the side of the road somewhere.

 

ETA: Just wanted to add that I think he will definitely be getting an earful from gf. Since their relationship is almost all long-distance (skype is good but isn't the same as being with someone), she has him rather idealized. I'm kind of glad she has seen that he is not perfect in every way. Not that I want trouble between them, but I think it's healthy for her to see that he makes mistakes and can be thoughtless at times. Of course, she will have to decide what to make of all this. I'll discuss it with him if he wants, but I'm not going to get involved otherwise.

Edited December 9, 2011 by Kathleen in VA

[butterflymommy]

The son is smitten with the foreign exchange student. Men don't just "happen" to take last minute flights to meet up with women in other states. Girlfriend's days as girlfriend are probably numbered.

 

:iagree:

[Myeightkiddies]

The son is smitten with the foreign exchange student. Men don't just "happen" to take last minute flights to meet up with women in other states. Girlfriend's days as girlfriend are probably numbered.

 

But I would stay out of that. That's his business.

 

I agree with others who have said that they would tell him that he should have given you a heads up because he lives with you. It's the same with roommates. You don't just disappear unless you want your roommates calling the police.

 

:iagree:

[catz]

The fact he did this to me is no big deal. The fact he didn't at least call to mention he wouldn't be home is not very considerate. He doesn't need permission, but to me it's the mature adult thing to consider the feelings of the people in your life.

 

:iagree: I would express your concern about not knowing where he was and your disappointment about plans that were made that are now going to be broken. He also doesn't sound like a kid ready to get married to me at all. This doesn't sound like untypical male behavior for his age though by any stretch. My brother was out of control at this age. The male brain isn't fully finished developing until at least 25+ if that helps at all! :grouphug:

 

I'm also a bit suspect he's thinking about the exchange student!

 

And I think it's fine if he's living under your roof to have some courtesy rules in place. When I moved home in the summer during college, my parents would have me give a courtesy call if I wasn't going to be in by 2 am (I think, or some reasonable time). Not too much to ask IMHO.

[Danestress]

Even though he doesn't formally need your permission, he obviously felt really compelled to go meet FE sister. Who knows what the total story is - kids that age get really wrapped up in their own mini-dramas. He probably knew he really wanted to do it and that you would either try to talk him out of it or try to guilt him out of it by reminding him of all the complications he would create.

 

No one gets very far in a novel or a movie by deciding against going to meet the girl in the airport because it will cause Mom to have extra driving. Sometimes you just have to go meet the girl in the airport, trouble be ****ed.

 

Sorry Mom. I'm a Mom of a boy this age too, and I know how it feels. We sort of have non-speaking roles in the dramas at this point:) Try to be understanding. I'm sure he has his story, but he may or may not share the whole thing.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

1) he's 22, he doesn't need permission.

2) he lives at home, so it would have been polite for him to at least leave a note/voicemail/e-mail/etc. granted, he did call you when he landed, and I'm sure he didn't want to wake you be calling super early before he boarded his flight.

3)I would razz him mercilessly since it was his gf that set you off to trying to find him before you even knew he was missing.

4)he does deserved to be censured over the transportation fiasco he caused by promising as recently as last night to be there to provide. He should make that up to everyone invovled - that's something he needs to think things through before engaging in such impulsivity. (is he trying to avoid someone/thing?)

5) he owes you a nice souvenier.;)

[AK_Mom4]

I live this one. Here's how it would go here....

 

"Dude, grow up a little. Send me a text message if the car isn't going to be in the driveway so I don't freak out on you and call the cops worried about an accident."

 

"Sorry, mom. I forgot."

 

And then he would remember to let me know (for a while at least).

 

And I would totally have to go punch pillows and go to the gym because it would seriously irk me. And I would have to make a conscious effort to not say anything to or about the issue again.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Kathleen in VA]

:iagree: I would express your concern about not knowing where he was and your disappointment about plans that were made that are now going to be broken. He also doesn't sound like a kid ready to get married to me at all. This doesn't sound like untypical male behavior for his age though by any stretch. My brother was out of control at this age. The male brain isn't fully finished developing until at least 25+ if that helps at all! :grouphug:

 

I'm also a bit suspect he's thinking about the exchange student!

 

And I think it's fine if he's living under your roof to have some courtesy rules in place. When I moved home in the summer during college, my parents would have me give a courtesy call if I wasn't going to be in by 2 am (I think, or some reasonable time). Not too much to ask IMHO.

 

Actually, that helps a lot! It explains a lot, too. I agree, he's not ready to get married at all. I've told him that. I'm pretty sure he knows deep down inside it's true, but he is running on emotions right now, not logical reasoning. It's hard to find a way to say, "You're too immature to get married," without sounding harsh and critical and creating a situation where he just puts me on "mute." Finding the balance - the never ending battle of motherhood.:tongue_smilie:

[acurtis75]

The fact he did this to me is no big deal. The fact he didn't at least call to mention he wouldn't be home is not very considerate. He doesn't need permission, but to me it's the mature adult thing to consider the feelings of the people in your life.

 

:iagree: I would make sure that's the focus when you have the conversation with him. I would do it in person, after he returns and start the conversation by saying, "you are an adult and don't need my permission to make plans like these.." and then I would go on to explain that part of being an adult is being considerate of others whom you live with and communicating your plans to those you live with so they won't be worried.

[Kathleen in VA]

Little bit of an update. I called him back and asked him how gf was handling this and he said all was well. I guess we'll see, huh? Anyway, he's bought a ticket to fly out of JFK to San Antonio tonight and will be coming home on 12/14. He said he spoke with gf's father and gf and everyone is very excited to be meeting him. He sent an email with his flight info and I replied and told him to stop at a Walmart when he gets there to buy underwear and a toothbrush.:D

[Parrothead]

I would have a talk about family consideration when he gets home and leave it at that.

[LisaKinVA]

My brother is in his early 30's, and lives with my folks... sometimes he remembers to inform them of his plans... sometimes not. It is a bit frustrating (more discourteous than anything), but he's not a big talker and neither is my dad. They can be in the same room and not talk all. day. long. :tongue_smilie:

 

Now, when my mom moves back, much of that dynamic will change. I still hope he moves out, though.

[Carol in Cal.]

Actually, that helps a lot! It explains a lot, too. I agree, he's not ready to get married at all. I've told him that. I'm pretty sure he knows deep down inside it's true, but he is running on emotions right now, not logical reasoning. It's hard to find a way to say, "You're too immature to get married," without sounding harsh and critical and creating a situation where he just puts me on "mute." Finding the balance - the never ending battle of motherhood.:tongue_smilie:

 

It's a tough one, and worse than inspiring the reaction 'mom on mute' would be inspiring the reaction 'defy'!

[DesertDweller]

I would let him know that you were worried and in the future to show some consideration if he won't be home as usual. I would also remind him about the importance of following through with committments or at least letting people know that he wouldn't be able to fulfill them. Other than that, I would tell him to have fun.

[Kathleen in VA]

I would let him know that you were worried and in the future to show some consideration if he won't be home as usual. I would also remind him about the importance of following through with committments or at least letting people know that he wouldn't be able to fulfill them. Other than that, I would tell him to have fun.

 

What's really frustrating is earlier this week I talked with him about how he's not ready to get married and that one of the most basic things he needs to do is to follow through on his commitments. Very. very. basic. He agreed with me - he was very open and congenial and said that he knew this was a weak area of his. Actually, he usually does get around to doing the things he says he will do, just not always when you think he ought to - he's on his own clock. He's always been like this. He's just plain quirky.

 

This has got to be one of the weirdest days in my life. Dd19, who was a Nanowrimo participant this year, said it is great novel fodder. She's already decided to fit it into her book somewhere.:D

 

ETA: I just noticed I called him Ds22 when he is, in fact, Ds23. Yes, he had a birthday in Sept. Guess I'm on my own clock too.

[Scarlett]

It seems to me that you're mixing a number of issues. And some of them are important and impact you and others are things you need to let go...

 

The two that are important are: 1) An adult who lives in your home needs to have the courtesy of letting you know when plans change radically, so you won't worry. Let him know that it was thoughtless and rude of him not to let you know he would not be home. And that this is a courtesy one would expect of any adult sharing a home -- simply saying/texting , "I caught a plane to NYC and won't be back this morning. I'll let you know the details later" would have saved you a lot of worry. 2) He made a commitment to take his sister somewhere and flaked. Thoughtless and rude to her and also to you / the cousins whom he just figured would magically pick up the slack. He needed to remember his commitment and make alternative arrangements.

 

The rest... Visiting his GF's foreign exchange friend, skipping out on a play, even possibly missing out on a family birthday celebration don't really seem to me like they're your business. You could say, later on, "It hurt my feelings that you blew off my birthday", but I don't think it's an issue where you should be upset that he has done something morally *wrong*.

 

I think it's important to let him know that you aren't trying to "parent" him in the way you would a 14yo. He's an adult. *But* there's a certain level of courtesy and mutual respect we expect in our relationships with other adults. He blew some of those off and should understand that it hurts, frustrates, and annoys those in his life.

 

But if he wants to go to NYC at the last minute, I think that's fine. And I think you need to stay way far away from the relationship with the GF/FE friend.

 

Perfectly stated.

 

(((Kathleen)))

[Mommyof4ks]

I would have a talk when he got back about why it's courteous and reasonable and what adults do to let others know of their whereabouts and significant changes in plans. Certainly the people you live with should know when you're flying somewhere unless that's just a normal part of your life.

 

I would not expect him to ask if it were OK. That would be his call. I would remind him about the commitments and plans that were made that involved him and that an adult would be expect to have arranged for his commitments to be covered and to take into consideration things like birthday celebrations when they decided to take an impromptu trip.

 

:iagree: I would not be upset about him going, but as an adult he should have made arrangments to handle the commitments he had already made (driving kids to the play). I am 32, and we still do crazy things like that, and we have 3 kids lol. We decide on Friday that we are going to leave for a long weekend on Sat. morning, no biggy as long as we don't leave others in a lurch. It is reasonable to expect him to let you of his plans though for the very reason you mentioned. My mom gets nervous when I don't answer my phone. :D

[catz]

 

This has got to be one of the weirdest days in my life. Dd19, who was a Nanowrimo participant this year, said it is great novel fodder. She's already decided to fit it into her book somewhere.:D

 

 

Ha - when life hands you lemons, make lemonade! :D You're doing a good job mom! Hang in there! :grouphug:

[Veritaserum]

Big hug.

 

I wouldn't be happy, but at his age...it's his decision.

 

Consider thinking and praying on your house rules and general respect / notification for adults living there. Leaving without telling anyone or leaving a note, text, phone message etc. is really rude and in many ways irresponsible. (My impression is that he isn't renting.)

 

That said, young is young:glare:. Remind him of his manners;).

 

:iagree: Not cool to worry everyone and not cool to flake on his plans with his sister and cousins. He is an adult, though, so he doesn't need permission.

[elegantlion]

What's really frustrating is earlier this week I talked with him about how he's not ready to get married and that one of the most basic things he needs to do is to follow through on his commitments. Very. very. basic. He agreed with me - he was very open and congenial and said that he knew this was a weak area of his. Actually, he usually does get around to doing the things he says he will do, just not always when you think he ought to - he's on his own clock. He's always been like this. He's just plain quirky.

 

This has got to be one of the weirdest days in my life. Dd19, who was a Nanowrimo participant this year, said it is great novel fodder. She's already decided to fit it into her book somewhere.:D

 

ETA: I just noticed I called him Ds22 when he is, in fact, Ds23. Yes, he had a birthday in Sept. Guess I'm on my own clock too.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

If he is considering popping the question, he's probably not capable of logical thought. Did he fly to see the other friend to gather courage, get advice, see if he could do something crazy.

 

I agree about the ditch comment, "please let me know in the future, so I don't worry. I am your mother."

 

My dh was known to take off on adventures. I did as well, but mine were better planned. I've already asked dh how he will feel about ds doing stuff like that. He had no response. It's fun when you're the one being spontaneous, it's not if you're left worrying.

 

I would have him make it up to your dd. :grouphug: :grouphug: