Surprised that more parents don't retaliate against abusers

[Trresh]

You rarely hear about a parent killing or beating the crap out of someone who's abused their child. That actually surprises me.

 

I get that it's not the right thing to do but when I see the Penn State stuff all I keep thinking is if it was my child I would hunt the S.O.B. down and rip off his flipping head!!

 

Ack! I don't know. Maybe it's because I have a 10 year old son but this whole thing is really affecting me more than other cases I've heard.

 

ETA: I, in no way, mean this as an attack on parents who don't act out violently. I do realize that if I'm ever in that position chances are I wouldn't act out in that way, either.

Edited November 13, 2011 by Trresh

[In2why]

You wouldn't even though you would want to.

 

I think the important thing to remember is that once something like this happens it must be all about the child, and that means letting the initial rage go. If you did hurt/kill someone then the focus would be on you instead of your child and the work would be on your defense reasoning instead of on the child needing all the help and support they can get.

[gingersmom]

I think in the Penn State case that the victims are from a low (lower) socio-economic group and felt intimidated by Sandusky, the school principal who was letting the kids leave with him, etc.

 

I am sure now that everything has surfaced that the victims families have some high priced attorneys on their side.

[MrsMe]

You rarely hear about a parent killing or beating the crap out of someone who's abused their child. That actually surprises me.

 

I get that it's not the right thing to do but when I see the Penn State stuff all I keep thinking is if it were my child I would hunt the S.O.B. down and rip off his flipping head!!

 

 

 

LOL.... think I would do this.

 

 

You wouldn't even though you would want to.

 

 

 

I'm not sure I wouldn't. Really.

[Iucounu]

You rarely hear about a parent killing or beating the crap out of someone who's abused their child. That actually surprises me.

Me too, also without meaning offense (although I personally think it's a fine thing to do, at least if one can get away with it). I'm also surprised that child molesters are not subject to more vigilantism. I generally hear about them being killed mostly in prison. I'd have thought that a terminal cancer patient or the like would take out the odd NAMBLA meeting more often, as an aid to society.

[MariannNOVA]

I understand thinking that one would do that. In reality, helping the child who has been abused and the amount of love, care and attention and therapy it requires to make that child feel safe again, to say nothing of the hours spent with law enforcement officials..... well, retaliation on the animal who tortured your child slides down to the bottom of your list quite quickly.

 

Forgot to mention the hours spent mourning and grieving your child's 'inner child' - and the hours spent researching every single way you can help your child.

Edited November 12, 2011 by MariannNOVA

[myfunnybunch]

I think the important thing to remember is that once something like this happens it must be all about the child, and that means letting the initial rage go. If you did hurt/kill someone then the focus would be on you instead of your child and the work would be on your defense reasoning instead of on the child needing all the help and support they can get.

 

This.

 

The child has already been through an utterly horrifying terrifying experience. You couldn't add watching a beloved parent go through arrest-trial-media circus (which also means subjecting the child to same). Parents choose to stand by the side of the child to help them heal. And, quite frankly, I expect that these families and others whose children have been through horrifying experiences have friends preventing them from walking out the door with a shotgun, repeating this argument over and over and over again until the parent can make a rational decision.

 

Cat

[Mimm]

I remember reading a story about a man who came home from work and killed his wife. He found her in the process of trying to commit suicide after having killed both their children, though I seem to remember that only one of the children was actually dead, the other was simply unconscious and both parents thought the mother had managed to kill her. It's an awful story all around but it's the first time I heard of a man killing his wife that I said, "Huh... I get it." :(

[Harriet Vane]

On the one hand are those that are focused on their hurting child.

 

On the other hand, it is actually far more common for people to react with denial in some form, either by minimizing or by completely denying. It's a heartbreaking but documented reality.

 

Me--I am one of those who would kick in the teeth and break every bone of anyone who dared hurt a child in that way. I've known too many who have been hurt by these animals. It's a pathology that is almost never overcome so as far as I'm concerned, pedophiles are better dead.

[Caroline]

I understand thinking that one would do that. In reality, helping the child who has been abused and the amount of love, care and attention and therapy it requires to make that child feel safe again, to say nothing of the hours spent with law enforcement officials..... well, retaliation on the animal who tortured your child slides down to the bottom of your list quite quickly.

 

Forgot to mention the hours spent mourning and grieving your child's 'inner child' - and the hours spent researching every single way you can help your child.

 

:iagree:

[meggie]

Believe me, I would absolutely want to. I probably wouldn't though, because that would mean getting thrown in jail. If my child had gone through that, I couldn't abandon them just so I could feel better, kwim?

[Audrey]

You rarely hear about a parent killing or beating the crap out of someone who's abused their child. That actually surprises me.

 

I get that it's not the right thing to do but when I see the Penn State stuff all I keep thinking is if it were my child I would hunt the S.O.B. down and rip off his flipping head!!

 

Ack! I don't know. Maybe it's because I have a 10 year old son but this whole thing is really affecting me more than other cases I've heard.

 

ETA: I, in no way, mean this as an attack on parents who don't act out violently. I do realize that if I'm ever in that position chances are I wouldn't act out in that way, either.

 

 

I will admit that I have had detailed thoughts about what I would do. It scares me a little because I know deep down that, when it comes to vengeance for my child, I am fully capable of acting upon those thoughts. I consider myself a pacifist on the global scale, but when it comes to the personal level, that can/may be a different story.

 

FWIW, I still abhor guns. I wouldn't use a gun. I think shooting someone is a chickens**t way to go. It's too easy, and not nearly as personal a retaliation as should be given for the violation of child. A momma bear will rip you apart for hurting her child. I think Nature provides excellent lessons for many things.

[Rosie_0801]

Believe me, I would absolutely want to. I probably wouldn't though, because that would mean getting thrown in jail. If my child had gone through that, I couldn't abandon them just so I could feel better, kwim?

 

Yeah, me too.

 

:(

Rosie

[Laurie4b]

On the one hand are those that are focused on their hurting child.

 

On the other hand, it is actually far more common for people to react with denial in some form, either by minimizing or by completely denying. It's a heartbreaking but documented reality.

 

Me--I am one of those who would kick in the teeth and break every bone of anyone who dared hurt a child in that way. I've known too many who have been hurt by these animals. It's a pathology that is almost never overcome so as far as I'm concerned, pedophiles are better dead.

 

I wonder if you'd feel the same way if you knew one of the "animals" when he was a young boy and had just been abused... I worked with a kid who I am pretty sure is high probability to grow up to be an abuser. I don't want to write all the circumstances on the internet, but it was a very sad story. The child had some deficits (not due to the abuse) which made it hard for him to benefit from treatment and make it likelier that he will grow up to abuse. I was able to stop the abuse (CPS mocked the report at first, saying the abuser was the only healthy person in the kid's life), but that's not the same as stopping the damage . He was such a waif.

[macpuffins]

Believe me, I would absolutely want to. I probably wouldn't though, because that would mean getting thrown in jail. If my child had gone through that, I couldn't abandon them just so I could feel better, kwim?

 

:iagree:

 

*also* from the POV of a person who's been abused - the absolute RAGE & ANGER of the person who wants to kill/maim/whatever the abuser DOES help the child heal, whereas losing that safe person who wants to defend them would NOT help.

As a child, witnessing my father's inability to protect me made me feel like I deserved it. Once I witnessed his anguish over it, I no longer felt like he was complicit in the abuse. He was as much a victim as I was, and with him on 'my side' it gave me strength. Also, hearing my father's anger & despair at not being emotionally capable of stopping my mother's abuse of me went a LONG way to helping me cope later on. I *knew* in my heart that had he been in ANY way capable of doing anything, he would have. Knowing that it was killing him inside that he couldn't do anything broke my heart. It helped me a lot to understand his rage, and the subsequent depression, over the situation.

 

Though he has been dead for nearly 14yrs, I still view that as protective of me, even though he was helpless to stop it. Had he physically intervened he would never have gotten custody of us, and if he didn't kill her as part of the intervention, she would have regained custody of us. Either way, he would have been lost to me, and that would have been unacceptable. He knew that.

 

BTW - this is *my* truth. It may not be representative of the truth of other survivors, and that is ok. Each survivor's head space is different, what one endures/survives can *NOT* be compared. Suffering is suffering, and unlike the weight of an apple, it can not be quantified.

What I endured, though entirely reprehensible on a moral level, it helped define who I would ultimately become. I am a survivor. I have thrived. I am educated. I married a phenomenal husband, have a wonderful, loving daughter, and have a merciful God. Many of the steps on my journey can only be described as Hell. The place I am in now, even with the bad days, is Heaven in comparison. Having my father there for much of the journey was important for me. Had I been deprived of him, and his anger/rage/anguish, I do not believe I would be the woman I am today. His journey gave me strength for my own.

Edited November 13, 2011 by macpuffins
clarification of a pronoun; article change; spelling errors

[6packofun]

Yeah...I'd want to so bad, but my child needs me OUT of jail to advocate for him/her. :sad:

[Joker]

The main reason I never told my family of my own abuse was the fear my dad would kill him. I remember hearing him once say that's what he would do if someone hurt us. I don't even know if he knows I heard him or if he meant it. I've made sure I've never said anything like that, even just flippantly, in front of my dds.

[Mergath]

My dh loves to watch Lockup on the weekends :rolleyes: and I've sat through enough episodes to know that, should anyone ever hurt my dd like that, the other prison inmates will probably do a far better job than I ever could of punishing the person. Child molesters generally do not get through their prison time unscathed. Many are killed.

 

Of course, if the sob ever managed to get away with it with no prison time, all bets would be off. I studied MMA in college, and if anyone ever assaulted my child, I would be more than willing to give them a demonstration.

 

I can completely understand a parent who doesn't do that, though. I just have some anger issues.

[clarkacademy]

I would not an issue I know I would! I can also see the parent who just breaks down and runs on auto pilot though. I think it would depend alot on your personality though. I think it would also depend on outcomes of the courts. I could see a type of person letting the "system" take care of it and when that don't work going postal.

 

I admit though I am on the impulsive side so I would be the one to just freak. We live out in the country and I can see the majority of my neighbors going on a shooting spree if one of the local kids comes up missing. I know there is a registered offender in this area and just about every daddy and grandpa around here has been at his door with their gun making it clear if they can't find their kid theiy are coming for him and won't ask any questions.

 

I know in my heart I would be the one to just flip but I pray every night I am never put to that test.

[Susan in TN]

The main reason I never told my family of my own abuse was the fear my dad would kill him. I remember hearing him once say that's what he would do if someone hurt us. I don't even know if he knows I heard him or if he meant it. I've made sure I've never said anything like that, even just flippantly, in front of my dds.

 

In the case where a parent has been abused themselves, they may feel unable to deal with it - as though they would have to face their own abuser?

[Myeightkiddies]

Often the parent will immediately report the abuse to the authorities. Before the parent has the chance to act, the abuser is already in custody. If they should be released on bail, the desire to seek revenge may be there but the impulse has subsided. The parent begins to think of the consequences and how it will affect the child. Rather than put the child through more trauma - such as the parent being arrested for murder - the parent chooses to not act on what they desire to do.

[GWOB]

I'll admit it. I grew up in the ghetto. A lot of illegal activities are tolerated. Child molestation is not. While I try to tone down the scrappiness most of the time, I don't know if I could manage if anyone pulled anything with my kids.

 

When I was about 10, we were living in GA while the rest of my family lived in LA. We got a call one night. My grandma told us that one of my aunt's boyfriends had molested at least two of my cousins. Within 5 minutes my Dad was in the car with a loaded gun, ready to make the 10 hour drive back to LA. Those girls had no dads. No one reported the boyfriend. My Mom eventually talked him out of it, but I remember feeling more proud of my Dad than scared.

 

I had a close friend who was molested by a family friend. She told me she felt a lot of resentment towards her parents because they didn't fight harder for her.

 

I am not usually a violent person. I haven't hit anyone in years. If (God forbid) anything happened to my kids, I know the logical response would be to focus entirely on them. But how can a child ever feel safe again knowing their abuser is out there? That this abuser will likely get off lightly? Would my child not respect me more if I retaliated? If my child knew I would stop at nothing to keep them safe? I just don't know if I could live in a world where my child's abuser existed.

[Aggie]

Me--I am one of those who would kick in the teeth and break every bone of anyone who dared hurt a child in that way. I've known too many who have been hurt by these animals. It's a pathology that is almost never overcome so as far as I'm concerned, pedophiles are better dead.

 

Yup.

 

I will admit that I have had detailed thoughts about what I would do. It scares me a little because I know deep down that, when it comes to vengeance for my child, I am fully capable of acting upon those thoughts. I consider myself a pacifist on the global scale, but when it comes to the personal level, that can/may be a different story.

 

FWIW, I still abhor guns. I wouldn't use a gun. I think shooting someone is a chickens**t way to go. It's too easy, and not nearly as personal a retaliation as should be given for the violation of child. A momma bear will rip you apart for hurting her child. I think Nature provides excellent lessons for many things.

 

Audrey, really? Shooting is the chickens**t way to go? My dh has explained, in great detail, how long he could drag out a death with a gun and several bullets.:D He might like to hear your thoughts, though. He's open-minded on this subject, I'm sure.:001_smile:

 

Although dh and I aren't gun-hating pacifists, we've talked about what we would do. Shallow grave in the back 40, shark chum, etc are terms that have been used. Dh and a small group of his friends already have a plan and alibis if the time ever comes.

 

Seriously, if you ever hear, "A suspect in a child abuse case has disappeared," you can say that you once knew (online) that child's parent. Well, except the police would probably never hear about the 'case'.....

[nono]

I wouldn't kill him.

 

I can't say I wouldn't beat him up. There's definitely some satisfaction in knowing he got got just a little bit back, from a middle-aged woman. Oh, and there'd be a serious amount of mocking him for getting taken down by me, a middle-aged woman. I'd likely get booked on the physical assault*, but they'd not even think about the emotional abuse I just heaped onto his sad self.

 

 

*Though maybe not around here.

 

Now you have me off to find out what the likely time served for assault is around here....

 

ETA: If I could get booked on a petty disorderly, it's only up to 30 days in jail. If it gets booked as disorderly, the max. is 6 months. NO weapons in NJ. Changes the charges. Of course, there's fines. This is NJ after all.

Edited November 13, 2011 by nono

[MBM]

I vaguely remember watching a TV show about a mother whom I think shot her son's abuser. The mother went to jail, and both her daughter and her son were essentially orphans. Her poor son did not get the care and help he so desperately needed. For the sake of your children, it really isn't the best choice to make.

 

However, I can certainly understand wanting to do something about it, and frankly, I'd go ballistic if anyone did such a thing to my kids. I'm not really sure how far I'd go. Maybe I'd call some friends in Alaska to come down and pay a visit.

Edited November 13, 2011 by MBM
fixing an error

[Margo out of lurking]

..

[pdalley]

I would hope I would keep the dark thoughts of what I'd do to someone who hurt my kids in my head. I truly do. My kids would need me worse than I'd need the satisfaction of extracting my own justice.

 

It wouldn't be quick or painless, I can tell you that.

[In2why]

I wanted to respond to this thread, because I think some important points have arisen.

 

I think when we think about our children being hurt our instincts kick in and we are naturally enraged. We want the person that hurt them to hurt.

 

I am a bold person. I experienced violence and anger in my teen years and I dished some out. I am not shy about confrontations, and have to curb my tendency to go for the juggler because it is easy for me to go to an ugly place. I also had the same reaction that many of you have that if someone hurt my child I would kill them. I believe in survival of the fittest, and most people would say that in an invasion of the zombies they would want me around. ;)

 

With all that said, my 15 y/o DD was sexually assaulted by someone she knew and considered a friend. She was confused, ashamed, scared, and hurt. She also was somewhere she wasn't supposed to be and thought it was her fault and that we would be angry. The last thing she needed was more anger. She didn't even know how to name what had happened to her, and didn't want to tell anyone until she had a nervous breakdown and it all came to light. She needed immediate mental support, and long term care. It needed to be all about her and even though I, her father, and even harder to rein in, her older brothers wanted to kill the person, what she needed was most important. She didn't need to have to protect our feelings or be afraid of our anger. Her initial reaction was that she wanted it all to go away and everything to return to how it was before. Of course that couldn't ever happen, but in her denial that is what she needed at the time. A sense of normalcy. As often happens in situations like this it was her word against his, and nothing legally happened. She could have pursued it, but long term it wasn't in her best interest since the chances of a conviction were zero. This decision was made with therapist and legal advice. To make matters worse we live in a small community. People found out and people took sides. Teens couldn't/ didn't want to believe that this young man could do such a thing. My daughter lost friends, and felt more shame at having to defend her truth. The rage came in waves for all of us. There is a book that I read, "We are the Mulvaney's" that was so close to our experience, at least the first half, that I cried in secret most of the time reading it.

At the time we did not home school and my daughter went to school with this young man. We had to meet with the school to make sure that they weren't in the same classes or had contact. Some officials were wonderful and others added to our rage.

 

At all times there was an undercurrent because her brothers could have beat him to a pulp and yet then it would have become about them and not in her best interest, I had to keep a tight leash on them. They didn't seek him out, but the only real satisfaction was/is that he spent his high school years knowing that if he went anywhere without his parents or to school that there was a chance he might run into her brothers, and he was too afraid of that possibility to go anywhere.

 

I am sharing this because I always thought I was the type of parent who would kill anyone who hurt my children. I am glad I was not. If I had, if we had, it would have been selfish.

 

This is not the same thing as what happened in Penn State, although I will say that in some ways it is the same. One of the questions we got from the officials was if she was a virgin when it happened. She was, not that it should matter, but there is definitely a tendency to look for justification, or perhaps it is a protection mechanism so that they could feel their children are safe if there was a reason that they could point to. But when something happens to our children everything we thought we knew about ourselves changes. No one can really know how they will react.

[Audrey]

I wouldn't kill him.

 

I can't say I wouldn't beat him up. There's definitely some satisfaction in knowing he got got just a little bit back, from a middle-aged woman. Oh, and there'd be a serious amount of mocking him for getting taken down by me, a middle-aged woman. I'd likely get booked on the physical assault*, but they'd not even think about the emotional abuse I just heaped onto his sad self.

 

 

*Though maybe not around here.

 

Now you have me off to find out what the likely time served for assault is around here....

 

ETA: If I could get booked on a petty disorderly, it's only up to 30 days in jail. If it gets booked as disorderly, the max. is 6 months. NO weapons in NJ. Changes the charges. Of course, there's fines. This is NJ after all.

 

 

Not just to you, but.... why do people keep assuming they'd be caught? Planning, people! Solid planning and patience. If there is no evidence, how are they going to catch anything? The courts are so completely inept that they can't even manage to convict half of these sub-human creatures when there IS evidence.

[clarkacademy]

Not just to you, but.... why do people keep assuming they'd be caught? Planning, people! Solid planning and patience. If there is no evidence, how are they going to catch anything? The courts are so completely inept that they can't even manage to convict half of these sub-human creatures when there IS evidence.

 

:iagree: No body no case!!!

[nono]

Not just to you, but.... why do people keep assuming they'd be caught? Planning, people! Solid planning and patience. If there is no evidence, how are they going to catch anything? The courts are so completely inept that they can't even manage to convict half of these sub-human creatures when there IS evidence.

 

True. I was only planning for the worse-case scenario of getting caught. I always plan for the worst, but execute for the best.

 

I'm also a compulsive truth-teller. If the dude reported me, and a police officer drove up and asked, "Did you do it?" There's the problem. YES would be out of my mouth before I could even think of lying. :001_huh:

[Murphy101]

Interesting movie. One of the few dramas I like her in.

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116260/

 

I wonder, if the incidence of parent retaliation for murdered dc is higher?

 

I think as long as I had my own dc to focus on, all else would take a backseat.

I get that aspect.

 

But wow.

 

If they killed my child?

 

Yeah. I not sure anything could save them from my wrath.

 

Aside from that, I'm with Audrey. It's in the planning details people.

[Murphy101]

True. I was only planning for the worse-case scenario of getting caught. I always plan for the worst, but execute for the best.

 

I'm also a compulsive truth-teller. If the dude reported me, and a police officer drove up and asked, "Did you do it?" There's the problem. YES would be out of my mouth before I could even think of lying. :001_huh:

 

I suspect this is the real reason why.

 

Most people, despite media evidence, are decent law abiding conflict avoiding people. It's takes either a moment of passion or a stone cold determination with a steel stomach to kill someone.

 

Most of us... Most of us just aren't like that. Which is how should be.:)

[macpuffins]

True. I was only planning for the worse-case scenario of getting caught. I always plan for the worst, but execute for the best.

 

I'm also a compulsive truth-teller. If the dude reported me, and a police officer drove up and asked, "Did you do it?" There's the problem. YES would be out of my mouth before I could even think of lying. :001_huh:

 

Hubby & I have joked that I would be the one to call the police to tell them about the crime!

:tongue_smilie:

[Denisemomof4]

I would want to rip something off but it would NOT be his head.

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree:

 

*also* from the POV of a person who's been abused - the absolute RAGE & ANGER of the person who wants to kill/maim/whatever the abuser DOES help the child heal, whereas losing that safe person who wants to defend them would NOT help.

As a child, witnessing my father's inability to protect me made me feel like I deserved it. Once I witnessed his anguish over it, I no longer felt like he was complicit in the abuse. He was as much a victim as I was, and with him on 'my side' it gave me strength. Also, hearing my father's anger & despair at not being emotionally capable of stopping my mother's abuse of me went a LONG way to helping me cope later on. I *knew* in my heart that had he been in ANY way capable of doing anything, he would have. Knowing that it was killing him inside that he couldn't do anything broke my heart. It helped me a lot to understand his rage, and the subsequent depression, over the situation.

 

Though he has been dead for nearly 14yrs, I still view that as protective of me, even though he was helpless to stop it. Had he physically intervened he would never have gotten custody of us, and if he didn't kill her as part of the intervention, she would have regained custody of us. Either way, he would have been lost to me, and that would have been unacceptable. He knew that.

 

BTW - this is *my* truth. It may not be representative of the truth of other survivors, and that is ok. Each survivor's head space is different, what one endures/survives can *NOT* be compared. Suffering is suffering, and unlike the weight of an apple, it can not be quantified.

What I endured, though entirely reprehensible on a moral level, it helped define who I would ultimately become. I am a survivor. I have thrived. I am educated. I married a phenomenal husband, have a wonderful, loving daughter, and have a merciful God. Many of the steps on my journey can only be described as Hell. The place I am in now, even with the bad days, is Heaven in comparison. Having my father there for much of the journey was important for me. Had I been deprived of him, and his anger/rage/anguish, I do not believe I would be the woman I am today. His journey gave me strength for my own.

 

WOW. I'm SO sorry you suffered abuse. SO sorry!!! What you have written here are some of the most powerful words I have ever read on this board. Thank you for sharing them and thank you for being here.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

ETA: my dd and I did a lot of crying last week. I was distraught over a couple of things, but the treatment dd suffered by two abusive coaches and the daughter of one of them truly traumatized dd and I. If I could get away with it, I'd love to b*tch slap them. SEVERELY. But clearly I won't. Instead, I've done a lot of crying with and for dd, we took the week off of school just to be together, and she read the very long letter I wrote to the head coach. At the end of it she told me she wanted me to send it and thanked me for everything I've done for her. I can see what you're saying in my own dd.

Edited November 13, 2011 by Denisemomof4

[Liz CA]

Yes, while I don't advocate taking the law into your own hands, I did have a lot of compassion for the woman who shot her daughter's rapist in the courtroom. This happened some time back - don't remember all the circumstances.

[Denisemomof4]

I wanted to respond to this thread, because I think some important points have arisen.

 

I think when we think about our children being hurt our instincts kick in and we are naturally enraged. We want the person that hurt them to hurt.

 

I am a bold person. I experienced violence and anger in my teen years and I dished some out. I am not shy about confrontations, and have to curb my tendency to go for the juggler because it is easy for me to go to an ugly place. I also had the same reaction that many of you have that if someone hurt my child I would kill them. I believe in survival of the fittest, and most people would say that in an invasion of the zombies they would want me around. ;)

 

With all that said, my 15 y/o DD was sexually assaulted by someone she knew and considered a friend. She was confused, ashamed, scared, and hurt. She also was somewhere she wasn't supposed to be and thought it was her fault and that we would be angry. The last thing she needed was more anger. She didn't even know how to name what had happened to her, and didn't want to tell anyone until she had a nervous breakdown and it all came to light. She needed immediate mental support, and long term care. It needed to be all about her and even though I, her father, and even harder to rein in, her older brothers wanted to kill the person, what she needed was most important. She didn't need to have to protect our feelings or be afraid of our anger. Her initial reaction was that she wanted it all to go away and everything to return to how it was before. Of course that couldn't ever happen, but in her denial that is what she needed at the time. A sense of normalcy. As often happens in situations like this it was her word against his, and nothing legally happened. She could have pursued it, but long term it wasn't in her best interest since the chances of a conviction were zero. This decision was made with therapist and legal advice. To make matters worse we live in a small community. People found out and people took sides. Teens couldn't/ didn't want to believe that this young man could do such a thing. My daughter lost friends, and felt more shame at having to defend her truth. The rage came in waves for all of us. There is a book that I read, "We are the Mulvaney's" that was so close to our experience, at least the first half, that I cried in secret most of the time reading it.

At the time we did not home school and my daughter went to school with this young man. We had to meet with the school to make sure that they weren't in the same classes or had contact. Some officials were wonderful and others added to our rage.

 

At all times there was an undercurrent because her brothers could have beat him to a pulp and yet then it would have become about them and not in her best interest, I had to keep a tight leash on them. They didn't seek him out, but the only real satisfaction was/is that he spent his high school years knowing that if he went anywhere without his parents or to school that there was a chance he might run into her brothers, and he was too afraid of that possibility to go anywhere.

 

I am sharing this because I always thought I was the type of parent who would kill anyone who hurt my children. I am glad I was not. If I had, if we had, it would have been selfish.

 

This is not the same thing as what happened in Penn State, although I will say that in some ways it is the same. One of the questions we got from the officials was if she was a virgin when it happened. She was, not that it should matter, but there is definitely a tendency to look for justification, or perhaps it is a protection mechanism so that they could feel their children are safe if there was a reason that they could point to. But when something happens to our children everything we thought we knew about ourselves changes. No one can really know how they will react.

 

I can't imagine what you've gone through.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: How is your dd now?

[Parker Martin]

My mother would likely kill anyone who did that to my children, and she'd be more than happy to serve the time for it.

[macpuffins]

Thank you Denise.

:grouphug: for you & your DD.

This past week has been very rough for every survivor I know. I have had a lot of time to hash through my head space thinking about how this made me feel. It has left me feeling very raw. And all I can do is share my journey, and hope someone gains strength from it.

 

Also, Thank You for being there for your DD. In my experience, the presence of a champion in the immediate aftermath makes a PHENOMENAL difference in how the healing journey progresses. Your belief in her gives her more strength that you may realize. Give her a hug from me. And let her know that her journey, while hers and only she can walk it, she does not walk alone - there are others who walk the journey on their own paths beside her.

 

p.

[OrdinaryTime]

I think it is hard to know how you will react physically or mentally to a predator of this type. I know after my sister's rape three years ago (by two completely strange men), I was surprised that I did not have the rage or desire for physical retribution that one assumes you will have. I felt ill, violently nauseous for days. I felt physically paralyzed with fear. I remember almost collapsing when I got to her in ER. I remember sitting in the police car a few days later while her and the detective walked around the apartment complex trying to find the place the rape occured. I did not feel like finding those men and killing them. I was TERRIFIED that I would see them. The panic I felt made me want to scream right there in the car in an empty parking lot. The physical reaction my body had to the horror was not what I would have anticipated. My body reacted by becoming so weak, so consumed with real physical fear, there is no way I could have hurt/killed those men. I wanted them to be caught, punished, removed from the face of the earth, but I truly wanted someone else to do it. I think this is a normal reaction, at least for many women.

[Jennifer3141]

Not just to you, but.... why do people keep assuming they'd be caught? Planning, people! Solid planning and patience. If there is no evidence, how are they going to catch anything? The courts are so completely inept that they can't even manage to convict half of these sub-human creatures when there IS evidence.

 

 

When my best friend called me up in tears one night after her divorce, this kind of situation was seriously on her mind.

 

She was afraid something would happen to her DD like it happened to my friend and she was afraid that no one would help her.

 

I remember calming her down and putting her to sleep describing an intricate plan against anyone who molested her child. It did involve a gun and a whole lot of planning on where/how the body would be hidden.

 

Weird way to soothe someone but I got a chance to work on my child molestor eradication plan a bit... :D

 

If I can cut up a chicken as quickly and well as I do... :tongue_smilie:

Edited November 14, 2011 by Jennifer3141

[elizabeth]

I think in the Penn State case that the victims are from a low (lower) socio-economic group and felt intimidated by Sandusky, the school principal who was letting the kids leave with him, etc.

 

I am sure now that everything has surfaced that the victims families have some high priced attorneys on their side.

 

I hope so because despite the tendency here to see things through rose colored glasses, most people are self serving and wickedly weak willed. They will do whatever it takes to remain in power. They do seem to understand "You have been served with a lawsuit." They certainly were never going to do the right thing due to a conscience. Given what I see regularly many people do not have one.

[MAMommy]

Yes, while I don't advocate taking the law into your own hands, I did have a lot of compassion for the woman who shot her daughter's rapist in the courtroom. This happened some time back - don't remember all the circumstances.

 

 

Ellie Nesler was her name & she killed her son's boy scout leader ( a known predator) during the court proceedings. She was convicted of manslaughter. Sadly her son, the one who was molested, is serving time for murder. It's a very sad case.

Edited November 14, 2011 by MAMommy
I meant to quote a different post. i don't know of the case you've mentioned.

[nono]

most people are self serving and wickedly weak willed. They will do whatever it takes to remain in power.

 

 

I think this is true especially of those who are impostors. Meaning, they know they don't deserve the positions/accolades they receive. And, once one achieves god-like status, anyone is in over his/her head.

[In2why]

I can't imagine what you've gone through.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: How is your dd now?

 

 

She is 24 now and is a confident young woman. It will always be a part of her story, but it doesn't define her. I hesitated about sharing but I asked her first, and we talked about it for a bit, which we hadn't done for a while.

[Free]

I wanted to respond to this thread, because I think some important points have arisen.

 

I think when we think about our children being hurt our instincts kick in and we are naturally enraged. We want the person that hurt them to hurt.

 

I am a bold person. I experienced violence and anger in my teen years and I dished some out. I am not shy about confrontations, and have to curb my tendency to go for the juggler because it is easy for me to go to an ugly place. I also had the same reaction that many of you have that if someone hurt my child I would kill them. I believe in survival of the fittest, and most people would say that in an invasion of the zombies they would want me around. ;)

 

With all that said, my 15 y/o DD was sexually assaulted by someone she knew and considered a friend. She was confused, ashamed, scared, and hurt. She also was somewhere she wasn't supposed to be and thought it was her fault and that we would be angry. The last thing she needed was more anger. She didn't even know how to name what had happened to her, and didn't want to tell anyone until she had a nervous breakdown and it all came to light. She needed immediate mental support, and long term care. It needed to be all about her and even though I, her father, and even harder to rein in, her older brothers wanted to kill the person, what she needed was most important. She didn't need to have to protect our feelings or be afraid of our anger. Her initial reaction was that she wanted it all to go away and everything to return to how it was before. Of course that couldn't ever happen, but in her denial that is what she needed at the time. A sense of normalcy. As often happens in situations like this it was her word against his, and nothing legally happened. She could have pursued it, but long term it wasn't in her best interest since the chances of a conviction were zero. This decision was made with therapist and legal advice. To make matters worse we live in a small community. People found out and people took sides. Teens couldn't/ didn't want to believe that this young man could do such a thing. My daughter lost friends, and felt more shame at having to defend her truth. The rage came in waves for all of us. There is a book that I read, "We are the Mulvaney's" that was so close to our experience, at least the first half, that I cried in secret most of the time reading it.

At the time we did not home school and my daughter went to school with this young man. We had to meet with the school to make sure that they weren't in the same classes or had contact. Some officials were wonderful and others added to our rage.

 

At all times there was an undercurrent because her brothers could have beat him to a pulp and yet then it would have become about them and not in her best interest, I had to keep a tight leash on them. They didn't seek him out, but the only real satisfaction was/is that he spent his high school years knowing that if he went anywhere without his parents or to school that there was a chance he might run into her brothers, and he was too afraid of that possibility to go anywhere.

 

I am sharing this because I always thought I was the type of parent who would kill anyone who hurt my children. I am glad I was not. If I had, if we had, it would have been selfish.

 

This is not the same thing as what happened in Penn State, although I will say that in some ways it is the same. One of the questions we got from the officials was if she was a virgin when it happened. She was, not that it should matter, but there is definitely a tendency to look for justification, or perhaps it is a protection mechanism so that they could feel their children are safe if there was a reason that they could point to. But when something happens to our children everything we thought we knew about ourselves changes. No one can really know how they will react.

 

:grouphug: What a harrowing experience. You and your family have shown so much courage and strength, it is inspiring.

[sewingmama]

I'm also surprised that child molesters are not subject to more vigilantism.

 

Mostly because people don't get a chance once the person has been caught. In Aus when a child abuser is caught they go straight into protective police custody from the get go -before it's even on the news - so nobody has access to them - although a lot of people stand outside the courthouse yelling horrible threats.

 

If/when the person is released that is when the vigilanties start up. We had one hard core abuser released here and he has lived in a ton of places because everytime people find out where he is living they camp outside his doorstep and harass him till the police move him to another "safe" place.

 

I think the reason why most people don't harm the abuser is because they are sane. You know it is only going to land you in prison and most people are not violent - it takes a special kind of upbringing to become a violent person KWIM. Killing an abuser makes you the same as them -most people can see that reasoning. Usually people just harrass and send threats till the abuser's life is so miserable they move away.

 

That is how it works here anyway.

[mirth]

I think the reason why most people don't harm the abuser is because they are sane. You know it is only going to land you in prison and most people are not violent - it takes a special kind of upbringing to become a violent person KWIM.

 

Jonathon Edington. I remembered something about this guy from 2006 . He immediately killed the neighbor that his wife said molested their 2yo daughter.

 

What my 2011 google search turned up ... Turns out the neighbor had not done such a thing, and the wife had PPD. And the husband is now in prison for 12 yrs, and the wife is probably broke from civil suits.

 

I don't believe it takes a special upbringing to become violent, but I do think allegations of child molestation can be used to manipulate people and turn otherwise mild, rational people into killers.

[Love HSing]

Believe me, I would absolutely want to. I probably wouldn't though, because that would mean getting thrown in jail. If my child had gone through that, I couldn't abandon them just so I could feel better, kwim?

 

:iagree: