As a friend, how do (or would) you respond

[RoughCollie]

I had a conversation with one of them today that made me realize I'm being dodged.

 

These do not sound like nice people under the surface. I cannot imagine doing that to one of my friends simply because it is not how decent people treat one another.

[Liz CA]

Yes, I'm realizing the analogy is the issue. I'm sorry. I don't want to be controversial and stir up anything with anybody here. :)

 

It's not that they're telling me I can't like green. It's that I'm not worthy to have a friendship with because I do. :( And it's not that green is a bad thing. They just don't think it is. And it's just that one circle of friends, not an entire denomination. But I've invested 5 years into these friendships so I'm not sure how I feel anymore.

 

How deep of a conviction is this issue with them? They cannot be friends with you because you don't share their deep conviction about something??? Since you mentioned "denomination", I am assuming here we are talking about biblical / spiritual matters or the interpretation thereof.

My red flag popped up when I read that you are not worthy of their friendship because you are not sold out on the blue/green thing. Even after you invested 5yrs into the relationship you are still an adult and should not have anyone take your choices away so they feel better being friends with you. Again, laboring under the assumption we are not talking about criminal matters here from which they are attempting to dissuade you...

[Natalieclare]

I think if I were the green liking one, and I noticed I was being dodged, I would probably say something like, "Well, my love of green went over like a turd in a punchbowl! I had no idea! Why didn't you tell me????"

 

But only if, as the green loving smurf, I had come to the conclusion that the friendships were truly worth a continued investment. If the others were shallow and conformist, I would be prepping myself to redirect my kids' interests in other areas. I need real. I need deep. I need freedom to wonder, question, explore. And I need friends who aren't threatened by that.

[JudyJudyJudy]

This thread makes me sad. Life is too short to change for others so that you can fit in.

 

Would you teach your children to conform so that they can be friends with certain people? I know that you mentioned that your kids were being affected by this; I honestly think that's all the more reason you need to steer clear of these people. Is this really the type of lesson you want to teach your kids?

 

This may sound extreme, but think about it: Hitler was able to gain the power that he did because of "followers." Being a follower can lead to scary things.

 

It's okay to be you. Really it is. If these people can't accept you for who you are (as others said, as long as you aren't doing anything harmful or illegal), then they aren't worthy of being your friends.

[FO4UR]

I would be investing some time in other friends.

 

I'd probably take some subtle digs while I could...(shame on me)...just to prove that Green is, after all, a mix of Yellow and their *beloved* Blue.

 

If they enjoyed your friendship before they knew about the Green, then how vital to Smurfdom can it be?

 

I'm thinking that you are the friend who needs to love enough to gently educate. (Basic "how to treat fellow Smurfs" lessons are in order.) Just know that in the process of educating you will probably be alienated/ostracized.

 

 

:grouphug:

[Ria]

Your "friends" do not sound like friends at all. They sound judgmental, cliquey, and just plain mean. After five years I would expect that they'd love you for who you are. Sheesh. I'd walk away. They aren't worth your effort at all if they this is how they treat people.

:grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

Are they scared? Are you dangerous if you don't believe the same way they do?

 

I wonder this two. If it were me and I knew that living a certain way or making certain choices were important to you I would let you know if I thought you were straying from that.

 

Frankly, it sounds as if their primary concern lies with their own faith/belef and shielding themselves, not with protecting or helping friends who might be heading down the wrong path.

 

I don't now if this is a religious or homeschooling situation but either way your "friends" have just shown how shallow their idea of friendship is. I'd be glad they did in a circumstance that seems like, in the grand scheme of things, isn't too big a deal, rather then when your desperately needed them.

 

They told you their worth. Believe them and walk away.

[snickelfritz]

I'm not sure how they feel since nobody is being open about it. I'm not being invited to spend time with them since this. Or, as much time with them, I should say.

 

I had a conversation with one of them today that made me realize I'm being dodged. Up to this point I was given the impression from most of them that we as a group had all been really busy with life and that was the reason for less get togethers. It's definitely part of the reason but it became very evident today that that's not the entire case. And the conversation got a little awkward at that point. :tongue_smilie:

 

Honestly, at this point, they all sound immature. My true friends, if it is a big enough deal to end friendships over, would absolutely tell me. If it wasn't serious enough to call me on it, but more of a "We don't do that, because of what we believe"..... well, they would tell me that too. And we could agree to disagree.

 

So, I guess I would ask you..... Do you really think that your buttons are fine? Do you agree with their take on it? Maybe they have a point and you now see something in the buttons that you were missing. Maybe you understand how buttons are wrong, wrong, wrong?

 

BUT......

 

Are you happy with how they handled it? It seems as though they all discussed your love for the wayward button among themselves and decided, as a group, how to handle you. And if you still think your buttons are lovely, would you need to pretend that you saw them as bad? Will the next issue be that you use "gasp" velcro on your shoes, when you should know that velcro gets it's hooks into you? Will you be constantly worried about why they might be avoiding you NOW? Or maybe they are busy this time. In my experience, once someone treats you this way, it's hard to trust that they are being truthful the next time they are "busy."

 

And about your kids.... What if all this had happened because your child liked buttons. You thought it was fine for them to wear buttons and let them indulge their love for buttons. And their friends start avoiding them or tells them how backward they are, because of their like for buttons. Do you want these types of friends for your children?

Edited September 18, 2011 by snickelfritz

[ciyates]

Oh my gosh, yes! That's it!!

 

A-1 tells A-2 about these fabulous new buttons that I bought for my dress. I'm going on and on about how great these buttons are because, hey, buttons are permitted and these ones are 'da bomb. :lol: Keep in mind, I still like blue. ;)

 

Except, in A-2's mind (and the other minds in this circle of folks) the buttons that A-1 chose are not appropriate. In fact, they think, how could you while outwardly smiling and saying, "how nice!"

 

And so, I speak openly about them and blah blah blah because I really don't see how these buttons are not appropriate. I don't have anything to argue because I didn't know they was any point to be arguing over. Sure, the buttons are green, but I'm not aware I'm not to like green. I still like blue, and they're just buttons, right? They're on my blue dress after-all. :lol:

 

But the buttons were a point. Apparently a scandalous point. :glare: And so all this time I've been digging this fabulous hole for myself. A hole which I would not have dug had one of the other people told me that the buttons simply would not do. I would have just returned them. Or bought blue ones. :glare: Or at the very least, not spoken of them and only worn them when not in the presence of these other women.

 

They're just buttons afterall. The fact that I like them doesn't change who I am or what I believe. I simply didn't realize they were scandalous because ____. And if those people had not know that I owned those darned green buttons, they wouldn't think any less of me. :glare:

 

Bah.

 

I didn't read the whole thread but am going to chime in at this point. Ignore this if I am not catching the analogy! :D

 

In my conservative group, I am the only one that listens to secular music. I love Christian music but I also like to through in some Old Hank Williams and a little Pink Floyd as well. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to listen to secular music and let my DS wear his Pink Floyd concert T-Shirt to co-op (this is one his dad got at the actual concert back in the day :D) Because of that my DS has lost some acquaintances (I don't use the word friends because they are not if they would walk away over that matter). I have been talked about it and basically seen as a person of questionable morals.

 

It hurt my feelings a lot! However I don't see it as having lost any friends because these people don't really love me. A friend loves you. A friend has the guts to say "Hey Smurf I am really concerned about you and your green stuff." You may or may not agree that listening to Pink Floyd is the road to h*ll but at least they voice that concern. It hurts to lose your social group but it does let you know where you stand.

 

Not to your original statement. If one of my "friends" is doing something I have questions about I say something because I love them. I may tell them not to like green but I still love them enough to get over it if they chose to like green anyway.

[Upward Journey]

Yes, I'm realizing the analogy is the issue. I'm sorry. I don't want to be controversial and stir up anything with anybody here. :)

 

It's not that they're telling me I can't like green. It's that I'm not worthy to have a friendship with because I do. :( And it's not that green is a bad thing. They just don't think it is. And it's just that one circle of friends, not an entire denomination. But I've invested 5 years into these friendships so I'm not sure how I feel anymore.

 

 

I've been there. I'm sorry. :grouphug: It hurts.

 

I just had to stop talking about the color green around those "friends", but distancing did still occur.

[elegantlion]

When my son was little he colored a picture of a cat green. Part of the me wanted to remind him that kittens aren't green and perhaps he wanted a nice shade of brown. I bit my lip and watched as he joyously colored.

 

I decided at this point that some kittens are meant to be green. Who decided that Smurfs can't be green or wear buttons?

 

Do you need correction or do you just need new friends? Is this is an issue where you have examined your heart and YOUR belief system and feel it's okay to enjoy green? Then find friends who don't expect you to be their exact shade of blue. If you feel a nagging that you might need/want some correction look to authority, not your friends to guide you.

[laundrycrisis]

I would not waste any more time trying to figure out their mind games. I would corner them, one at a time, in private. Ask point blank if it is going to be a major problem in your relationship for you to be a little different on this one point. Listen to the answer. Tell her what you think of her answer. Go on to corner the next. If you end up keeping a couple of these friends, great. If you realize they are all so judgmental and closed minded that they can't be friends with you over one difference, be thankful that you figured it out before investing any more time with them, and cut them all loose by expressing how disappointed you are now that you have seen their true colors and that you are off to find more loving and reasonable friends.

[unsinkable]

I understand privacy issues and being circumspect and all that. This thread would have been much easier to follow if you had written, "I think my group of friends dropped me because" and then stated the reason why.

 

If there are people here involved, they are going to know what you are talking about anyway.

 

As it is, the advice here probably makes you feel better but how helpful can it truly be if people don't know what they are advising about?

 

I feel badly that your group dropped you. There are only a few things that I could imagine that if I found out a person did, I'd realize I don't have much in common with them. Spanking as the go-to, number 1 discipline choice would be at the top of my list.

Edited September 18, 2011 by unsinkable

[QueenCat]

Oh, Honey...I'm really sorry. That sounds more like High School treatment wrapped up in self-righteousness.

 

:iagree:Jane, I'm sorry people are treating you poorly. Find new friends who accept you as you are.

[Liza Lee]

But that's what started my post.

 

As a friend, if you had a friend who was doing/saying/thinking... something you felt was wrong on some level, would you gently correct them before you shun them? Or do you just smile and nod and back away towards the door.

 

I mean, if you truly believe that X is wrong and a friend is doing X or saying X or whatever, as a friend, wouldn't you say something? Anything? Before you just dump 5 years of friendship? :001_huh:

 

If I truly loved my friend and I thought she was doing/saying/thinking something that was sinful/illegal/immoral, I would talk to her about it. And give her evidence (from the Big Blue Book of Smurfiness) of why I believe her actions are wrong. And I would want to hear how she decided that it's fine to like green as well as blue.

 

Other than that, I would be happy for my friend if she was doing something she enjoyed and was excited about. I certainly wouldn't end a 5-year friendship over it.

[Parrothead]

A true friend is going to ask you about your green buttons, truly listen to your reasoning and dare anyone to dis' you because of your green buttons whether friend agrees with your reasoning or not.

 

Sounds to me as if your friends are not really good friends. Sounds like they need to grow up and get a smurfing clue.

[staceyobu]

Say what it is and go back and delete it!

[LidiyaDawn]

You need some new friends. :grouphug: <-- lots of different colours!

[Truscifi]

I would not waste any more time trying to figure out their mind games. I would corner them, one at a time, in private. Ask point blank if it is going to be a major problem in your relationship for you to be a little different on this one point. Listen to the answer. Tell her what you think of her answer. Go on to corner the next. If you end up keeping a couple of these friends, great. If you realize they are all so judgmental and closed minded that they can't be friends with you over one difference, be thankful that you figured it out before investing any more time with them, and cut them all loose by expressing how disappointed you are now that you have seen their true colors and that you are off to find more loving and reasonable friends.

 

Having finally read the whole thread and (hopefully) grasped what is going on in all these smurfing analogies...:iagree: with laundrycrisis. And if you aren't motivated enough to put this level of work into it, well that is a sign in itself.

[Lovedtodeath]

I wonder this two. If it were me and I knew that living a certain way or making certain choices were important to you I would let you know if I thought you were straying from that.

 

Frankly, it sounds as if their primary concern lies with their own faith/belef and shielding themselves, not with protecting or helping friends who might be heading down the wrong path.

 

I don't now if this is a religious or homeschooling situation but either way your "friends" have just shown how shallow their idea of friendship is. I'd be glad they did in a circumstance that seems like, in the grand scheme of things, isn't too big a deal, rather then when your desperately needed them.

 

They told you their worth. Believe them and walk away.

 

Your "friends" do not sound like friends at all. They sound judgmental, cliquey, and just plain mean. After five years I would expect that they'd love you for who you are. Sheesh. I'd walk away. They aren't worth your effort at all if they this is how they treat people.

:grouphug:

Just a comment about these first two posts quoted. Some people have been trained as a group to be this way. Friendship is conditional. They are not very close to anyone really, and they don't keep up with family connections, etc. Generally anyone in that group was not a real true deep friend and couldn't be.

 

I didn't read the whole thread but am going to chime in at this point. Ignore this if I am not catching the analogy! :D

 

In my conservative group, I am the only one that listens to secular music. I love Christian music but I also like to through in some Old Hank Williams and a little Pink Floyd as well. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to listen to secular music and let my DS wear his Pink Floyd concert T-Shirt to co-op (this is one his dad got at the actual concert back in the day :D) Because of that my DS has lost some acquaintances (I don't use the word friends because they are not if they would walk away over that matter). I have been talked about it and basically seen as a person of questionable morals.

 

It hurt my feelings a lot! However I don't see it as having lost any friends because these people don't really love me. A friend loves you. A friend has the guts to say "Hey Smurf I am really concerned about you and your green stuff." You may or may not agree that listening to Pink Floyd is the road to h*ll but at least they voice that concern. It hurts to lose your social group but it does let you know where you stand.

 

Not to your original statement. If one of my "friends" is doing something I have questions about I say something because I love them. I may tell them not to like green but I still love them enough to get over it if they chose to like green anyway.

:crying:

 

I would not waste any more time trying to figure out their mind games. I would corner them, one at a time, in private. Ask point blank if it is going to be a major problem in your relationship for you to be a little different on this one point. Listen to the answer. Tell her what you think of her answer. Go on to corner the next. If you end up keeping a couple of these friends, great. If you realize they are all so judgmental and closed minded that they can't be friends with you over one difference, be thankful that you figured it out before investing any more time with them, and cut them all loose by expressing how disappointed you are now that you have seen their true colors and that you are off to find more loving and reasonable friends.

Yep! Yay!

[melissel]

I would not waste any more time trying to figure out their mind games. I would corner them, one at a time, in private. Ask point blank if it is going to be a major problem in your relationship for you to be a little different on this one point. Listen to the answer. Tell her what you think of her answer. Go on to corner the next. If you end up keeping a couple of these friends, great. If you realize they are all so judgmental and closed minded that they can't be friends with you over one difference, be thankful that you figured it out before investing any more time with them, and cut them all loose by expressing how disappointed you are now that you have seen their true colors and that you are off to find more loving and reasonable friends.

 

:iagree: with every word. You need the truth, and they need to be put in a position where they are forced to examine themselves and their motives. If the "friendships" don't stand the test, then you are better off without them (as much as that smurfs, and I know it does).

 

I am really sorry that you're hurting so badly over it :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

No, not at all.

 

I'm finding that in one particular circle of friends that I'm in (or at least I thought I was in :glare:) I'm simply not fitting into their little mold, if you will. I guess it comes down to my not being as conservative as they are on certain things but only because I didn't know I was supposed to be conservative in that regard. Little things, not really big doctrinal or theological issues.

 

Nothing illegal or immoral. In fact, those who are non-Smurfs would think nothing of it, do people in some of my other circles of friends.

 

But, as a result, these "friends", who I really did think were my friends, are giving me the old, "smile and nod and walk away treatment" rather than just saying, "Hey Jane, you really ought to ____ or ought not to ____."

 

And it's not really anything that embarrassing. It just doesn't fit that particular mold. So then, I'll make some comment, like, "Oh, I like green," and all of a sudden 2 years of friendship melts away. :crying:

 

I think it's time to make new friends. I'd have a hard time considering the person above a friend. Sorry!!!:grouphug:

 

I've seen this situation play out over and over. It's NO place for a Smurf to judge others or think THEIR way is THEY way.

 

I like green. I like you.;):001_smile:

[plain jane]

I understand privacy issues and being circumspect and all that. This thread would have been much easier to follow if you had written, "I think my group of friends dropped me because" and then stated the reason why.

 

If there are people here involved, they are going to know what you are talking about anyway.

 

As it is, the advice here probably makes you feel better but how helpful can it truly be if people don't know what they are advising about?

 

 

 

I didn't want to focus on the "me" part of the situation and sate that, "My friends did this to me..." I was not wanting to share a "woe is me" story so much as I was trying to understand some things.

 

I know that if someone I was friends with was making decisions that I thought were a little "off" that I would at least mention it to them. Not in an uncharitable, accusing way, but I'd find a way to bring it up with kindness. I tend to think that that's what friends did- love and look out for each other.

 

After realizing that others have chose to walk away rather than say something made me question if perhaps, even in friendship, there isn't really a time/place for loving correction. That maybe that's not what friends do.

 

Obviously, in this particular situation, I need to get some distance and figure out what they are all worth to me. There's definitely other people I'd like to be spending my time with at this time. I just don't want to go on flubbing other relationships. :tongue_smilie:

[justamouse]

Pffft to them. :grouphug:

 

And, sadly, it seems that you thought more of these friends than they thought of you, or they wouldn't treat you like that.

[Denisemomof4]

Oh my gosh, yes! That's it!!

 

A-1 (me :glare:) tells A-2 about these fabulous new buttons that I bought for my dress. I'm going on and on about how great these buttons are because, hey, buttons are permitted and these ones are 'da bomb. :lol: Keep in mind, I still like blue. ;)

 

Except, in A-2's mind (and the other minds in this circle of folks) the buttons that A-1 chose are not appropriate. In fact, they think, how could you :glare: while outwardly smiling and saying, "how nice!"

 

And so, I speak openly about them and blah blah blah because I really don't see how these buttons are not appropriate. I don't have anything to argue because I didn't know they was any point to be arguing over. Sure, the buttons are green, but I'm not aware I'm not to like green. I still like blue, and they're just buttons, right? They're on my blue dress after-all. :lol:

 

But the buttons were a point. Apparently a scandalous point. :glare: And so all this time I've been digging this fabulous hole for myself. A hole which I would not have dug had one of the other people told me that the buttons simply would not do. I would have just returned them. Or bought blue ones. :glare: Or at the very least, not spoken of them and only worn them when not in the presence of these other women.

 

They're just buttons afterall. The fact that I like them doesn't change who I am or what I believe. I simply didn't realize they were scandalous because ____. And if those people had not know that I owned those darned green buttons, they wouldn't think any less of me. :glare:

 

Bah.

 

read what you wrote here. It's painful to end friendships, but some friendships are NOT worth wasting time over. If I couldn't have TRUE friends, I'd choose NO friends.

[DianeW88]

Um, well, ok....I'll jump in. Here's an example and you tell me if this is similar to what you're alluding to.

 

I am LDS. As a Mormon, we do not drink alcohol, smoke tobacco or drink coffee. Now, if I had a friend who was professing to be a faithful member of my church, yet stopped by Starbucks every morning for a giant latte and then started telling all of us how wonderful Starbucks latest latte flavor is.....I would pull her aside and say, "Um, you know, as a faithful Latter-day Saint a daily trip to Starbucks really shouldn't be on your daily 'to-do' list." Then she could either say, "Oh, I missed that part of doctrine, I won't do that anymore", or she could just shrug her shoulders and say, "I'm not perfect, I love my coffee, and maybe I'll work on it or maybe I won't."

 

Either way....I'd still be her friend. :D As would most of my other friends if we were all mutual friends. So, this begs the question.....who ARE these people if they are dumping you over something that clearly (from the way you phrased your question) isn't a huge deal. I'll tell you.....they aren't your friends and they aren't worth your time. I'd simply move on, even if it hurts, because eventually they'll find something else they don't think is "quite right" about you. And I couldn't handle constantly walking on eggshells with people who are supposedly my friends.

[SailorMom]

I've lost "friends", ones I thought were close, because I happen to think there are a lot of nifty colors out there....

It hurts, but I wouldn't change my mind over the colors just to keep them as friends.

Now that I'm older - I just feel bad for them that their world is so smalll and monochromatic.

[annandatje]

I don't want to say too much. Some of these Smurfs read the WTM boards. :lol:

 

OK, this is perplexing. You cannot privately and directly approach these people in person to inquire about your relationship with them, yet you cryptically post about it on a board at least some of them read?

[Rhonda in TX]

Well, my very best friend likes green. And purple. And yellow. She likes blue, too, but not as much as I do. I really like blue, am happy with my affection for blue, and feel that I am knowledgable enough in my color choices that blue is the right choice.

 

While I pretty strongly object to her love of other colors, I don't believe that her love of them negates her Smurf status, and I value her friendship too much to make it an issue. I'm sad that we can't discuss certain colors anymore (honestly, because of her violent reaction to my comments), but I'm willing to put it away in order to preserve the friendship.

[Denisemomof4]

Um, well, ok....I'll jump in. Here's an example and you tell me if this is similar to what you're alluding to.

 

I am LDS. As a Mormon, we do not drink alcohol, smoke tobacco or drink coffee. Now, if I had a friend who was professing to be a faithful member of my church, yet stopped by Starbucks every morning for a giant latte and then started telling all of us how wonderful Starbucks latest latte flavor is.....I would pull her aside and say, "Um, you know, as a faithful Latter-day Saint a daily trip to Starbucks really shouldn't be on your daily 'to-do' list." Then she could either say, "Oh, I missed that part of doctrine, I won't do that anymore", or she could just shrug her shoulders and say, "I'm not perfect, I love my coffee, and maybe I'll work on it or maybe I won't."

 

Either way....I'd still be her friend. :D As would most of my other friends if we were all mutual friends. So, this begs the question.....who ARE these people if they are dumping you over something that clearly (from the way you phrased your question) isn't a huge deal. I'll tell you.....they aren't your friends and they aren't worth your time. I'd simply move on, even if it hurts, because eventually they'll find something else they don't think is "quite right" about you. And I couldn't handle constantly walking on eggshells with people who are supposedly my friends.

 

I have some VERY dear friends. The husband used to be a pastor and they helped me SO much with all my questions when I first started to attend church. They love me just as I am, and we share different beliefs. I also love them just as they are. I drink alcohol, they do not. That's the main big difference in our relationship, but it's not a big deal At All. I don't drink with them. So what? They have lovingly shared their opinion on the matter, and dh and I have lovingly shared ours, and we have moved on. We have been friends for almost 20 years now.

 

ETA: Now that I think of it, alcohol WAS the main difference. We discussed that over a decade ago and it never comes up now. But I'm truly struggling with my faith and am doubting whether or not there is a God. My friend feels sad for me, doesn't lecture me, but DOES LOVE ME all the more in spite of my struggles. THAT is a true friend.

[forty-two]

I think they just aren't/weren't very good friends. B/c I agree with you, a good friend would have given you a heads-up about it.

 

But it is easier to do that when the friend giving you the heads-up doesn't think it is worth breaking the friendship over (even if others in your circle do). Because I can see the WTM thread now, "My friend told me she can't be friends with me if I do/say/believe 'x'!" - the righteous indignation would fly :lol:. Basically, it is a conversation that is unlikely to end well ;), and I can understand why people would just try to avoid the unpleasantness and let it the friendship fade away quietly. (I even think advice of this sort is given regularly here - that unless you are *really* good friends, just let the relationship fade instead of confront/question them over it.)

 

But it hurts :grouphug:. My sis had this same thing happen to her with her last boyfriend. Apparently she said something 'wrong' - her guess is when she said she wasn't sure if she wanted kids - and he broke up with her two days later without ever discussing it (but alluded to it in his break-up speech :glare:). She felt just like you - that if this was a dealbreaker, why didn't he *say so* or discuss her "wrong answer" before breaking up. She thought their relationship meant more than that, that he'd be willing to at least make sure she really did think/believe the "wrong way" before ending it. But apparently not :glare:. And it bothered her a lot.

[Tap]

I am a very open person and if anything, I am usually the one who says too much, not too little. :0)

 

I would definitely tell my A1 if they were crossing the line of the group belief system, but then I would probably be encouraging her to do so .>>> LOL I tend to push boundaries, not break them, but definitely make sure I have investigated all the nooks and crannies. LOL

 

If I was the dissenter in this situation, I just make it clear that I meant no harm, and if I wanted to remain part of the group, I would comply with the rule. If I felt I was right, and that green buttons were fine, I would gently open small bits of dialogue to see if anyone secretly agreed with me. Change starts with one person....

 

 

I have some friends that I know I need to watch what I say. I remember one time when we skipped a swim practice (a very, very competitive team) to go skiing instead and the look of horror on the parents faces was priceless. They were full of comments like, "I will take 3 days of practice to make up for one day off! How horrible!" or "what if he broke a leg? He could be out for the season!" or "What if he was too tired for practice today? He could upset the pacing in the pool!"....they were baffled and hurt that we could endanger the entire team for him to miss one practice!

 

To me, a well rounded athlete is one who is less likely to get injured because all their muscles are strong and toned. They have greater balance and harmony due to variations in activities, not less. I tried to defend our beliefs, but they really didn't want to hear it. After that, I made sure to avoid parents for a week or so after we missed a practice to make sure I wouldn't face the inquisition again LOL

[OnTheBrink]

No, not at all.

 

I'm finding that in one particular circle of friends that I'm in (or at least I thought I was in :glare:) I'm simply not fitting into their little mold, if you will. I guess it comes down to my not being as conservative as they are on certain things but only because I didn't know I was supposed to be conservative in that regard. Little things, not really big doctrinal or theological issues.

 

Nothing illegal or immoral. In fact, those who are non-Smurfs would think nothing of it, do people in some of my other circles of friends.

 

But, as a result, these "friends", who I really did think were my friends, are giving me the old, "smile and nod and walk away treatment" rather than just saying, "Hey Jane, you really ought to ____ or ought not to ____."

 

And it's not really anything that embarrassing. It just doesn't fit that particular mold. So then, I'll make some comment, like, "Oh, I like green," and all of a sudden 2 years of friendship melts away. :crying:

 

I know how you feel. I've had Smurfs condescend and judge me for having definite ideas about something that really has nothing to do with Smurfdom, but in their eyes does. They, however, feel it's appropriate and necessary to roll their eyes, shake their heads and make rude comments over this nonSmurfissue.

 

Even our PapaSmurf has said from the podium that some issues are doctrinal and everySmurf who claims to be a Smurf needs to be held accountable to those things, BUT, most things are matters of preference and other Smurfs should mind their own business.

 

I hate sanctimonious Smurfs. :glare:

[melissel]

But it is easier to do that when the friend giving you the heads-up doesn't think it is worth breaking the friendship over (even if others in your circle do). Because I can see the WTM thread now, "My friend told me she can't be friends with me if I do/say/believe 'x'!" - the righteous indignation would fly :lol:. Basically, it is a conversation that is unlikely to end well ;), and I can understand why people would just try to avoid the unpleasantness and let it the friendship fade away quietly. (I even think advice of this sort is given regularly here - that unless you are *really* good friends, just let the relationship fade instead of confront/question them over it.)

 

Thank you, I was trying to think of a way to say this as well. One would think that after five years of friendship (with some of them), there would be at least one person who felt strongly enough to say something. However, I can completely see where, if these ties were based only on surface similarities and commonalities, these acquaintances might be more likely to try to fade rather than confront. I can think of situations where I wouldn't think it would be my place to try to dissuade a friend of her notions or preferences, even if they were somewhat counter to the group. I think people are entitled to believe what they believe, like what they like, parent how they parent, etc. But that doesn't always mean that I care to necessarily be faced by the issues that run counter to mine on a regular basis.

 

That said, however, I still stand by my agreement with laundrycrisis. If I were in the position of trying to fade out of a friendship, I think the friend in question would have every right to confront me and ask why, and force me to examine how much I value that bond versus how much I value my own position or beliefs. And I still agree that it sounds like these friendships are not true friendships--in which case, you don't need these people at all. It sucks, but you are better off without them.

[TranquilMind]

to someone who you believe is showing error in their thinking or actions. Let me see if I can explain myself without giving specific or controversial examples. :)

 

Let's say you're a Smurf and as a Smurf it is part of your belief system that you must like blue. Other Smurfs don't question it, that's just how it is. :) Those who aren't Smurfs don't have to like blue, and can in fact be outright opposed to blue, but as a Smurf it just isn't done. Then let's say one day, you're having coffee with a fellow Smurf, one that others would say you are friends with as you get together with this Smurf regularly, and that Smurf tells you that they like green. Not that they don't like blue, because they kind-of do, but they like green more.

 

How should a friend react to this?

 

Does a friend just gasp in shock internally while smiling and nodding (and secretly making a mental note that perhaps that one is not the right friend for them) and allow this to be a start for the decline of a friendship?

 

Does a friend correct the other person in a loving way. Not critical, but a, "you know, I really like you and so I want to remind you that as a Smurf you really ought to like blue."

 

Does it depend on the time and place and how much you actually want to be friends with this person? Are you less apt to say something if you don't really care for this person? Or does it come down to more whether or not you have the gumption to stand up and say something?

 

Is it selfish to not say something to someone who is showing their ignorance on an issue or is it polite NOT to say something?

 

I know there's not necessarily a right or wrong answer here and what people could/should/would do will vary greatly depending on all the circumstances. I'd like to hear how some of you here would react.

Well, it depends. Is "liking blue" exclusively a life and death matter? It does not appear so from your rendition. This other Smurf likes blue and green, but you don't say that being faithful to blue is an essential part of being a Smurf. So I'm not sure why you would correct the person. Now if the person is sinning, such as married but seeing a boyfriend that "God brought to her" or something like that, I might say something about how I disagree with that and why, after much thought and prayer, but most likely a friend will turn on someone who corrects them, at least at first. So be prepared for that.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

to someone who you believe is showing error in their thinking or actions. Let me see if I can explain myself without giving specific or controversial examples. :)

 

Let's say you're a Smurf and as a Smurf it is part of your belief system that you must like blue. Other Smurfs don't question it, that's just how it is. :) Those who aren't Smurfs don't have to like blue, and can in fact be outright opposed to blue, but as a Smurf it just isn't done. Then let's say one day, you're having coffee with a fellow Smurf, one that others would say you are friends with as you get together with this Smurf regularly, and that Smurf tells you that they like green. Not that they don't like blue, because they kind-of do, but they like green more.

 

How should a friend react to this?

 

Does a friend just gasp in shock internally while smiling and nodding (and secretly making a mental note that perhaps that one is not the right friend for them) and allow this to be a start for the decline of a friendship?

 

Does a friend correct the other person in a loving way. Not critical, but a, "you know, I really like you and so I want to remind you that as a Smurf you really ought to like blue."

 

Does it depend on the time and place and how much you actually want to be friends with this person? Are you less apt to say something if you don't really care for this person? Or does it come down to more whether or not you have the gumption to stand up and say something?

 

Is it selfish to not say something to someone who is showing their ignorance on an issue or is it polite NOT to say something?

 

I know there's not necessarily a right or wrong answer here and what people could/should/would do will vary greatly depending on all the circumstances. I'd like to hear how some of you here would react.

 

I think that if you can put into words what the blue/green or buttons issue really might be, then you would get a lot better feedback. Maybe it needs a whole new thread.

 

Because I can't help but wonder if the folks on the other side are thinking that they did try to hint to you about the issue, but you seemed so determined on liking green buttons that they decided to just let you be. And as someone else mentioned, the advice to just let acquaintances fade away has often been given here.

 

I'm wondering if what one side is seeing as a minor issue of enjoying something is being seen by the other side as a really big deal and as a heart issue. (I'm thinking here, for example, of the couple of recent coop threads, where teachers thought they were using language that was either no big deal or that was harsh but appropriate to the situation, but the parents were very taken aback. Not arguing the point of those threads, just using them as an example of something that was minor for one side but major for the other.)

 

And if this is an issue of doctrine, it is pretty hard to debate blueness vs green-ness. Maybe it is just a matter of liking lots of pretty colors. But maybe it is a thornier issue and both sides would grow by considering what your faith documents and tradition say on the matter. And maybe it is a pretty big deal.

 

And what are you worried about in being specific? That they will start to not want to spend time with you? Sounds like that is already happening.

[TranquilMind]

Oh my gosh, yes! That's it!!

 

A-1 (me :glare:) tells A-2 about these fabulous new buttons that I bought for my dress. I'm going on and on about how great these buttons are because, hey, buttons are permitted and these ones are 'da bomb. :lol: Keep in mind, I still like blue. ;)

 

Except, in A-2's mind (and the other minds in this circle of folks) the buttons that A-1 chose are not appropriate. In fact, they think, how could you :glare: while outwardly smiling and saying, "how nice!"

 

And so, I speak openly about them and blah blah blah because I really don't see how these buttons are not appropriate. I don't have anything to argue because I didn't know they was any point to be arguing over. Sure, the buttons are green, but I'm not aware I'm not to like green. I still like blue, and they're just buttons, right? They're on my blue dress after-all. :lol:

 

But the buttons were a point. Apparently a scandalous point. :glare: And so all this time I've been digging this fabulous hole for myself. A hole which I would not have dug had one of the other people told me that the buttons simply would not do. I would have just returned them. Or bought blue ones. :glare: Or at the very least, not spoken of them and only worn them when not in the presence of these other women.

 

They're just buttons afterall. The fact that I like them doesn't change who I am or what I believe. I simply didn't realize they were scandalous because ____. And if those people had not know that I owned those darned green buttons, they wouldn't think any less of me. :glare:

 

Bah.

So...why are they scandalous. You need to know the reasoning and understand it from their perspective before you can decide how to respond.

[TranquilMind]

plain jane: As a friend, if you had a friend who was doing/saying/thinking... something you felt was wrong on some level, would you gently correct them before you shun them?

 

Well, of COURSE! It isn't kind or loving or right to simply start shunning someone for something about which they are unaware! Here's an example: Let's say my kid is good friends with a kid whose family has lots of guns and I oppose guns (I don't, but I don't have any at the moment). I could A) decline to let me kid be friends with that kid or ever go there, leaving that family mystified, or B) make sure the guns are locked away before my kid goes over there. Just casually mention my discomfort with guns being out and would they mind locking them up?

 

The answer would tell me all I need to know about how respectful these people are with differing viewpoints. I've had a friend for 8 years with whom I disagree about a LOT of things, but she's always been respectful of my views and I of hers, even matters of faith! We are still friends, and interestingly, our views actually have grown closer together over the years as we have experienced the unexpected in raising our kids! Everything doesn't fit into a nice, tidy box as you think it will when your kids are young! Who knew!:001_smile:

 

Or do you just smile and nod and back away towards the door.

 

 

No. Not unless I have talked to this person and this person simply cannot be respectful of our different views.

 

I mean, if you truly believe that X is wrong and a friend is doing X or saying X or whatever, as a friend, wouldn't you say something? Anything? Before you just dump 5 years of friendship?

 

 

YES! A thousand times YES!

 

But hey, maybe I'm not the person to ask. My "best" friend dumped me after many years, vacations together, etc, because of reasons that are still kind of unclear to me but had to do with disparate judgment for the failings of my children and her children.

Edited September 18, 2011 by TranquilMind

[lea1]

I tend to think if I really felt close to these friends, I would likely get together (or call) one of them (the one I feel closest to) and let them know how you feel and ask why they didn't talk to you about it.

 

Do you really feel that close to them?

[Garga]

I would not waste any more time trying to figure out their mind games. I would corner them, one at a time, in private. Ask point blank if it is going to be a major problem in your relationship for you to be a little different on this one point. Listen to the answer. Tell her what you think of her answer. Go on to corner the next. If you end up keeping a couple of these friends, great. If you realize they are all so judgmental and closed minded that they can't be friends with you over one difference, be thankful that you figured it out before investing any more time with them, and cut them all loose by expressing how disappointed you are now that you have seen their true colors and that you are off to find more loving and reasonable friends.

 

I tend to think if I really felt close to these friends, I would likely get together (or call) one of them (the one I feel closest to) and let them know how you feel and ask why they didn't talk to you about it.

 

Do you really feel that close to them?

 

 

There is only one solution and that is to ask them what's going on. Anything else is speculation or advice given based on sketchy info.

[laundrycrisis]

I am back to say something else. If this is an issue of some religious doctrine, and you have decided that you like green more....

 

It's okay. You are okay.

 

People grow and change. Doctrines generally don't. It's okay to outgrow a doctrine.

 

A true friend cares about you....not your compliance with any religious doctrine. You could even decide to move on from the Smurf village and explore other communities. To a real friend, this wouldn't matter. She would still want to spend time with you and find out how the change is going for you. If none of these friends can tolerate growth and change in other people, they were only meant to be temporary friends. :grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

I am back to say something else. If this is an issue of some religious doctrine, and you have decided that you like green more....

 

It's okay. You are okay.

 

People grow and change. Doctrines generally don't. It's okay to outgrow a doctrine.

 

A true friend cares about you....not your compliance with any religious doctrine. You could even decide to move on from the Smurf village and explore other communities. To a real friend, this wouldn't matter. She would still want to spend time with you and find out how the change is going for you. If none of these friends can tolerate growth and change in other people, they were only meant to be temporary friends. :grouphug:

:iagree:If their denomination is pushing this on them, then unfortunately they will continue to be shallow friends until they break free from that religious domination. :( Just feel sorry for them and move on so that you yourself can have freedom and real friends.

[catz]

I wouldn't necessarily assume that the Smurf who liked green had an error in judgment. I'd just keep listening. Maybe starting to like green has taken a bunch of soul searching and agony? Maybe it's ok NOT to be a Smurf for someone who really tried to like blue, but didn't. Maybe this person is a flower fairy and not a smurf and just discovered this? Maybe smurfs never had to like blue. No one smurf is better than any other right? So why would the true blue smurf rush to judgment?

 

I'm assuming this is all legal behavior here. Wish I knew the back story because my mind is going all sorts of crazy places! :D

[catz]

I am back to say something else. If this is an issue of some religious doctrine, and you have decided that you like green more....

 

It's okay. You are okay.

 

People grow and change. Doctrines generally don't. It's okay to outgrow a doctrine.

 

A true friend cares about you....not your compliance with any religious doctrine. You could even decide to move on from the Smurf village and explore other communities. To a real friend, this wouldn't matter. She would still want to spend time with you and find out how the change is going for you. If none of these friends can tolerate growth and change in other people, they were only meant to be temporary friends. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: everyone should be allowed to change and grow.

[Little Nyssa]

Well, maybe these were never friends, but acquaintances who like to hang around with like-minded Smurfs. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as everyone knows that's what's happening.

Or, the blue ones might have truly shocked by the greenness and not known what to do except withdraw.

Whichever it is, :grouphug: