Bringing the skeleton out of the closet

[AuntieM]

1. It is not your fault.

 

2. It is not right to invite the cousin just to maintain "peace" in the family.

 

3. Cousin should be told that everyone knows and that if he doesn't tell his wife, the rest of the family will.

 

Your mother needs to get over her denial and respect you and your children. There is no reason to invite the older cousin. Grandma doesn't need to know why he's not coming.

 

I agree with all of these points.

 

And echoing all the admonitions to know that this is not your fault! You did a difficult and noble thing in trying to protect your other family members, based on his threats, I'm sure at the time you did what you felt was the only option.

 

Now you have other options. Move forward from here. Listen to your dh.

[Meriwether]

Except it went on until they were in high school. I could sort of agree if it only happened when they were really little kids, but that's not the case here.

 

:iagree:And he went on to a younger victim.

[WIS0320]

I feel like a lot of this is my fault for not telling what was going on way back when the molestation first started (it would have spared my younger cousin and not put our family in the situation it is in now). TIA

 

None of this is your fault and you reacted as most children do, which is hide it.

 

Second, this is how molesters get away with abusing multiple generations of children in a family - no one wants to talk about it or deal with it to avoid "upset". This is also why so many priests (and I am an ardent Catholic) were able to abuse children for so many years, it was hidden to protect all parties from "shame".

 

You need to tell your abuser's wife - ESPECIALLY - if they have children. Your mother can make her own choices and you can only control your own. Your grandmother's feelings are secondary to the abuse. I applaud your younger male cousin for putting his foot down and not associating by choice with someone who abused him nor allowing his children in his abuser's presence.

 

There was an older male cousin in my family when I was a child who was a known molester and no one ever turned him in or made any sort of formal complaint. All little girls were simply told to not be alone with him - and that is an enormous and irresponsible expectation for adults to have for young children.

 

Your older cousin gets what he gets for his actions, none of that is your responsibility. I would refuse, refuse, refuse to associate with him any longer and once again, I would most definitely tell his wife.

[clarkacademy]

There is a difference between kids who "play doctor" and are rather innocently exploring. At some point this child crossed the line from experimenting or acting out his own sad experience to being a predator himself.

 

 

This is an honest question NO RUDENESS INTENDED!!! What exactly qualifies as playing doctor? I mean as a parent when do you KNOW that they are playing or they are doing something else? I am really asking I am not judging or saying that it's not normal I truly just want to know what some ideas for telling the two apart.

[cathmom]

Am I the only one here bothered by the fact the molester was also a child? I would agree with everything posted so far if the molester had been an uncle, an adult. But a child?

 

 

My questions would be - was it another family member who molested him? and would that person possibly be still alive and at the party?

 

I would just tell your mom that if he is going to be invited, you and your family won't be there. That's it.

[jujsky]

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'll keep it short.

 

I am absolutely shocked by your mother's response. Or lack thereof.

 

:iagree: This is about protecting children. I'd rather create a huge family rift than expose my children to a known child molester, regardless whether or not he is ever alone with them.

[Joanne]

This is an honest question NO RUDENESS INTENDED!!! What exactly qualifies as playing doctor? I mean as a parent when do you KNOW that they are playing or they are doing something else? I am really asking I am not judging or saying that it's not normal I truly just want to know what some ideas for telling the two apart.

 

I'd start with age difference. I'd also assess mutuality. But it DOES become murky. (This is NOT ABOUT THE OP's SITUATION). Children can "want to" and "not want to".

 

And because sex in general and sexual exploration in children in particular are terribly awkward, heated subjects, kids intuit our feelings and can't accurately report whether an incident was mutual or not.

 

After any incident with any child (age peers), unsupervised play would be eliminated. If I felt that the "play" was coerced, play would be eliminated altogether. If I felt the play was mutual, I'd tell them "absolutely no touch play" and I'd be on guard for observing red flags. That said, I do believe that some sex play can be completely normal and mutual. I still disallow it, and elevate the supervision.

[BatmansWife]

Well, I have no experience with this and I'm not a psychiatrist or anything....but MAN!! No WAY should he be there! I think you need to talk to your mother and find out why she would choose inviting him over your own feelings. I don't give a hoot about her not wanting to tell Grandma. Grandma doesn't need to know that he wasn't actually invited. She can think he just couldn't come. Your dh already set a rule and I think it needs to be respected.

 

It seems to me that all of this is being swept under the rug. The only one who seems to be at all proactive is the younger cousin in seeking therapy and refusing to be at any family gatherings with the offender (and the dh for setting the boundary line). In fact....the younger cousin should send the therapy bills to the older cousin. Somehow sombody needs to confront this older cousin. I mean it. It's not right that no one is calling him on it. I don't care that he was a child when it started. He was a teenager when it ended....but it doesn't mean it ended with you when you entered high school. He could still be doing this to someone. Doesn't he need to be held accountable somehow...someway? Has he ever, as an adult, felt any kind of remorse and ever apologized?? It would do you a world of good to know he will be held accountable somehow. It's got to be awful for you to feel like he got away with it all.

 

Some people said the wife shouldn't know. Are you kidding?? Of course she should be told. My gosh....what if somehow she finds out later and wonders why no one ever told her.

 

Seems like the older cousin should be invited to a small family gathering and then when he comes he can find out that it's a intervention type thing and that he's being confronted about his past actions. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.....no need for you to have any guilt. :grouphug:

Edited June 22, 2011 by ~AprilMay~

[Aubrey]

:iagree: This is about protecting children. I'd rather create a huge family rift than expose my children to a known child molester, regardless whether or not he is ever alone with them.

 

While I absolutely agree, it's hard, I think, for people to really understand how big & long-lasting that family rift can be. *Knowing* how big it can be makes it...worth thinking through whether or not there's a way to avoid it. Not *at all* w/out protecting dc--just...w/out the result of everyone taking sides like a civil war.

 

In our case, the perpetrator is old enough that we're hoping to simply avoid the issue until he dies. With declining health issues, that's been surprisingly easy. And there's no issue of someone not being protected because they don't know.

 

Otoh, in another (more distant) part of my family, there was an issue similar to OP's. The family all agreed to cover it up, & so warning is simply passed around in whispers. Unfortunately, the message doesn't always get around very quickly. Again, though, this was for a generation before mine, & the relative is now old enough & distant enough (from me) that *for me* it's a non-issue. Hopefully those who need to know, do. I'm not *nearly* close enough to say anything at this point, but that being the case, I'm pretty sure I was the last to know.

[emeraldjoy]

Would like to reiterate that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. It never was and never will be. Someday I hope your heart understands that truth, not just your brain.

 

I would also like to advise to speak the truth, no matter how hard. Don't stop speaking it until someone hears what you are saying. It sounds like maybe your mom is not 'hearing". I wholeheartedly believe that the power in the pain of this situation remains while it is hidden. When the truth is spoken, no matter how hard, the power begins to fade, tis when healing can occur and the cycle stop.

 

It will not be easy and probably maybe the hardest thing you ever have faced in your life or ever will.....but I promise that something will lift when you start speaking the truth...something from within you and also within the situation will "lighten" and the moving on that needs to so desparately to happen can begin. The healing can begin for EVERYONE involved.

 

I pray for your courage, for it will take more than most of the rest of us will ever will know.

How brave you are for starting to speak about it already. How brave for your for desiring to do what is best in such a horrible, horrible situation. I am not sure if you are a Christian and I hope I will not offend, but you do not have to rely on your own strength...you just don't...you can rely on HIS for it is endless and so full of love and able to surpass all head understanding.

 

many blessings your way, I foresee a road of healing for you and your family and THAT is something to be excited about too...not just scared.

 

e

Edited June 22, 2011 by emeraldjoy
minor grammar stuff.

[eternalknot]

:grouphug: It sounds like you have a naturally nurturing, protective personality - that makes knowing and actually handling this type of awkward situation so much more of a challenge.

 

The younger (boy) cousin - what is his relation to your older cousin? Are they cousins, or are they siblings? Does your younger cousin know that you know about his own molestation, and is he aware of yours? Might there be strength in numbers, as far as confronting the extended family (minus Grandma) about what you both feel is appropriate or inappropriate WRT family functions? What has Grandma been told about the younger cousin's absences from the past three years' worth of functions? How have your more recent interactions with your older cousin gone -- is it something you've forgiven him for or have otherwise moved forward from, or are things still a bit awkward between you two? (That would determine how I'd handle it, personally.) What does the older cousin's mother/parent have to say about all of this coming to light? Is her reaction same as your own mother's, or ...? Will she (older cousin's mother) be at the party, and/or will any of older cousin's siblings?

 

I think you have two big issues at play here -- (a) how does the family go from here, now that the skeletons are out to some of the family, and (b) what to do immediately as far as the birthday party/4th of July celebration go. They are related, but they can be handled independent of one another IMO.

 

I tend to think that the older cousin is owed some sort of explanation for the family's sudden avoidance of him. He may have blocked out or justified some of his childhood actions, particularly if he were acting in the mindset of a 6/7 year old (which- even if he aged chronologically, IME with abusers it's typical for the mental/emotional age to stagnate.) I wouldn't be surprised if he shut down all memories related to his experiences as an abusee, and also as an abuser - perhaps convincing himself they didn't happen, or that they didn't happen the way they truly did. Either way, what he's done up to this point is not nearly as relevant as what he does from this point onward ... and I think the family needs to bring him into the loop so that the family can heal (you, your younger cousin) ... or deal (your mother and any other enablers.) How you go about that would depend on your current relationship with him and your family dynamic.

 

Not knowing anything other than what you originally posted, my gut reaction is to tell your mom that this year -while everything is still freshly outed and everyone is still trying to process the news- you can't agree to any family functions involving older cousin. Let her know that this isn't necessarily a forever thing, but it is a right-now thing for these two most close-approaching functions. Let her know that you're also okay lying about why you don't want older cousin there, until that problem can be sorted out. Maybe she doesn't throw a party this year, or maybe you try out a new tradition of BBQ by the lake or something ... I don't know, but there are a million ways around it IMO. That might be an easier pill for her to swallow. If not, and she decides to hold a 4th party anyhow then let her know you respectfully decline and take your kids somewhere else ... let Grandma know that this year you wanted to try something different, hit up some local friends or events for the holiday.

 

While you're there, face-to-face, sit down and process this with your mother. Where you are coming from, then and now, and specifically tell her what you need from her moving forward. Involve younger cousin if you think it would help. Realize denial is one of the many stages a person will go through, upon hearing news like this - particularly a parent who missed or ignored the signs (but no longer can deny what happened.) Let her know that as much as you love her and your extended family, that your first and foremost concern now is as a mother to her beautiful grandchildren ... and that whilst not popular, you will always act in what you believe to be their best interests. Not yours, not hers, not Grandma's, not the Family's. Their best interests have been decided upon by you and DH, and are not negotiable or up for discussion at this point in the game, while the family is still half in the dark.

 

 

I feel like a lot of this is my fault for not telling what was going on way back when the molestation first started (it would have spared my younger cousin and not put our family in the situation it is in now).

 

I can't make you feel any differently, but I hope I can convince you to think differently -- if your family is working hard to protect your grandmother and older cousin now (both adults), imagine how much harder they would have worked back then to protect themselves and your older cousin (as a child/young adult). You telling then wouldn't have been any better, and in fact may have been worse, than you telling now ... and you see what's going on now. I doubt it would have spared anyone; it would've been swept under the rug then, as now, for someone else's benefit, likely your older cousin's. He'd be no better off, nor would your younger cousin. Your mom had to have had a hunch, else she'd not have asked you about your own experiences once your younger cousin confessed. Look how she's handling full out knowing the truth; had you gone to her then, whose to say she'd have handled it any differently?

 

That, and - as everyone else has said, it's not your fault someone else was sick, hurt and passed that on to you or anyone else. Neither your action nor inactions could have made a better turnout here; sincerely.

 

:grouphug: I hope you and your family find resolution from this whole thing. It must be both a relief and a burden to have it out in the open.

[Aubrey]

Some people said the wife shouldn't know. Are you kidding?? Of course she should be told. My gosh....what if somehow she finds out later

 

I'm the one who said OP shouldn't say anything to cousin's wife. That's different than *nobody* telling cousin's wife.

 

My point was that most wives wouldn't believe something like this about their dh's, esp from a long time ago. If a neutral party tells the wife, perhaps that would be a good thing--I don't know. For OP, though, the wife's reaction could be very painful to her. I don't think she owes that pain to this lady, who in the end, is responsible all on her own for choosing her dh.

 

Iow, I took my responsibility to choose my dh very seriously. Is he perfect? Not at all. But I knew him well enough going into the marriage that if someone told me years later, after we'd had children together, that he was a child molester, I would not have believed them. And even if I had...a lot of people will *choose* not to, because WHAT ON EARTH do you do then? Denial, too often, is easier.

 

My point was simply that this is NOT the OP's responsibility. She's having enough false responsibility put on her by her own (misplaced) guilt. I don't want her to think she has any obligation to cousin's wife, too, or that it's her fault if someone else gets hurt.

[Audrey]

Bottom line: You can not and will not be in the company of the molester ever again. If someone plans a party, ask if he will be there. If he will be there, say "I'm sorry, but past issues with X make it impossible for my family to be around him." You do not need to explain any further. Eventually, it WILL get back to X that you do not want to be around him. He will probably tell people he has "no idea why" you don't want to be around him, but he knows. Oh, he knows all right. And, he will likely be shamed enough not to show his face if he knows you'll be there, because he'll be afraid of you now.

 

NONE of the abuse was your fault. NONE of the awkward situations now are your fault. You did NOTHING wrong. You will be doing NOTHING wrong by refusing to be around him. He is 100% culpable for ALL of it.

[Camarell]

I discovered 2yrs ago molestation in my family I don't want to go into details... but NO amount of family harmony is worth the hurt that sexual abuse causes. I wouldn't go period. I wouldn't be in his presence, my children wouldn't be in his presence and every family member with children would be made aware of his actions. I know that this could destroy him and pull apart the family in general, but someone needs to protect the children.

[Random]

Iow, I took my responsibility to choose my dh very seriously. Is he perfect? Not at all. But I knew him well enough going into the marriage that if someone told me years later, after we'd had children together, that he was a child molester, I would not have believed them. And even if I had...a lot of people will *choose* not to, because WHAT ON EARTH do you do then? Denial, too often, is easier.

 

 

Easier for whom? Definitely not the victim.

 

It's a shame, but I think you are right, Aubrey. Many people will choose to live in denial, which is why such evil will go unchecked, and more children will be violated. It's selfish and cowardly.

 

We had a similar situation to the OP's in our family, and nobody did the right thing, except one person. Now, she's the 'bad guy' because she won't go to family functions if the predator will also be there.

 

These situations are so awkward and complex. :grouphug:

[clarkacademy]

To the OP I am so sorry for what you suffered as a child. No one deserves that and I hope you can find some sort of peace for yourself. It was never your fault. Thos who can't stand up for you don't deserve to stand by you. Nothing you did or didn't do would have changed this person. I am sorry you suffered so.

 

Don't go to the event, find your closure your way. :grouphug:

[Aubrey]

Easier for whom? Definitely not the victim.

 

It's a shame, but I think you are right, Aubrey. Many people will choose to live in denial, which is why such evil will go unchecked, and more children will be violated. It's selfish and cowardly.

 

We had a similar situation to the OP's in our family, and nobody did the right thing, except one person. Now, she's the 'bad guy' because she won't go to family functions if the predator will also be there.

 

These situations are so awkward and complex. :grouphug:

 

I hope I wasn't unclear! I didn't *at all* mean that denial is easier for/on the victim.

 

Having been on the relative end of things, though, I try not to underestimate the difficulty there, either. Maybe that's easy for me to say, since I'm not a victim, but *sometimes* those who choose denial really aren't selfish & cowardly--they're doing the best they know how to do in a really awful situation. Sometimes they are the victims themselves, & it's what they've been taught--for them it's a sacrifice to keep silent & continue to be around the predator.

 

I don't ever want anyone to feel like they have any obligation to keep quiet, but I don't want to add pain to the people who have chosen to keep quiet, either, if that makes sense. It's just not a situation that anybody should ever KNOW how to handle.

[Retired]

I think that tiny voice is that you are a mama and instinct tells you that something happened to older cousin when he was little. Predator or not, he was once a little boy who wasn't protected as he should have been and the mama in you is reacting to that. JMHO. :)

 

I was thinking the same thing child/child molestation is usually a product of the first child replicating his/her abuse.

[arghmatey]

If you call the police and report him, maybe he will be in jail on the day of the party. Depends on the statute of limitations.

[MelanieM]

I don't ever want anyone to feel like they have any obligation to keep quiet, but I don't want to add pain to the people who have chosen to keep quiet, either, if that makes sense. It's just not a situation that anybody should ever KNOW how to handle.

Sadly, it's this idea that people should have a right to keep this stuff quiet that leads to continued abuse in families. Yes, I'm sure it hurts to have to face such horrible things. But that's far better than risking it happening to more children.

 

People seem to think they can keep kids safe just by a few whispers here and there and a warning to kids to stay away from so-and-so. That is so risky. And honestly, if I found out a family member knew such a thing about someone who was anywhere near my kids and it was hidden from me, I would absolutely lose it on them. I'd also be sure never to trust them with my kids again either, because it would be clear to me that their primary interest was not the safety and wellbeing of my kids.

[QuirkyKapers]

Your mother's response is typical but still totally unacceptable. It is "normal" in family culture to cover up abuse and to behave "normally" to keep the peace rather than to behave proactively and protectively.

 

It is totally unacceptable for anyone to ever invite your molester to the same event that you will attend yourself. It is an unfair, sick expectation.

 

Protecting your senile grandmother is not reason enough to expect you to attend events with your molester. There are other ways to deflect her attention from his non-presence.

 

Yes, it will be unpleasant to come out of the closet. However, you KNOW that this man has hurt more than one child. Statistically it is very, very likely he will or has hurt others. Please, please find a way to make this known to his wife--perhaps a letter?

 

I'm sorry--truly sorry--I know it's so very, very hard.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: Couple things: This happened in a friend of my families. They found out later the perpetrator had also been molested when he was little.

 

Not that that makes it ok- just pointing out molestation can be a pattern that happens in families and goes on until the secret is out and confronted.

 

:grouphug: I would not have b-day party for dd if it means inviting cousin.

 

For what is is worth, my mom made comments to me like, "Your dad could be driving a ferrari with all the money we are spending on therapy". She also after I was married even made mention that she felt bad that my brother couldn't be invited to family gatherings because of the situation that had happened. So, typical response for families where abuse occurs. The big cover up. Hurtful too when you are absolutely not responsible for anything. Protect your children at any cost. You know all the heartache you went through and I know you would kick yourself if this happened to your children. :grouphug::grouphug:

Edited June 22, 2011 by QuirkyKapers

[mcconnellboys]

Well, they were very young when it started, true, but he continued it through their teen years. I'm very sorry that this was not dealt with within the family at a very early age! He need not necessarily have been molested, himself, however, in order to have done this (as the OP suggested). Kids who have anxiety and control issues, OCD, etc. for instance, may engage in such behaviors and it may start out as just a kid curiosity thing but continue because of the control involved, because it has become a part of an obsessive loop, etc.

[mom4him]

I need some advice from the hive...Here is the back story: From the age of 4/5 until high school, I was molested off and on by a cousin who is two years older than me. He threatened to mess with my sister unless I gave in. I spent most of my childhood making sure that none of my other girl cousins or my sister were ever alone with him.

 

Fast forward to last summer...my mom informs me that my other boy cousin who is 4 years younger than me is in therapy because he was molested by older boy cousin for 4 years. My mom asked me if he had ever tried anything with me and I told her the whole story. I hadn't told anyone in the family about it for the sake of keeping peace among my family. In my childish logic, I thought that I could protect my other cousins. Unfortunately, I never thought about having to protect my boy cousin.

 

Younger boy cousin (now married with two kids) has refused to come to any family functions for about three years (which has upset our grandmother greatly). After finding out about my other cousin's molestation by the older cousin coupled with my own, my husband has said that our family can no longer attend family functions where older cousin is present. Before we would go to Christmas/4th of July celebration where older cousin was present but was never alone with our children.

 

Fast forward to this summer...we are leaving to go visit my family this summer (like we do every summer) without my husband (he has to work). During this visit my mom is throwing a birthday party for dd3 (like she does every summer). I know that she is going to invite older cousin, his wife, and their daughter.

 

I need the hive to tell me how to handle this situation:

 

• My mom knows about the molestation, but doesn't want to cause a fuss by not inviting older cousin (to the birthday party or the 4th of July celebration) because she does not want my grandmother to find out this happened. My grandmother is 80 and in the early stages of alzheimers.

• I'm not sure if older cousin's wife knows that he molested me and my younger boy cousin. I don't mind if the wife and daughter come to the party, but I know that older cousin will show up too.

• I'm almost certain that older cousin has never dealt with what he did to me and younger cousin or with his own molestation (he had to have been molested himself because he began molesting me when he was only 6/7). He does not know that the whole family knows already, but just hasn't said anything.

 

The fall out from this could be huge (family rifts, possible divorce of older cousin from his wife, grandmother's health, older cousin might do something drastic to himself (?). I need the hive to tell me the best possible way to deal with this situation.

 

I feel like a lot of this is my fault for not telling what was going on way back when the molestation first started (it would have spared my younger cousin and not put our family in the situation it is in now). However, that is water under the bridge and I just need some kind of scenario of how best to deal with the current situation. I know that some kind of confrontation will have to occur (which I hate!!!), but I'm not sure who should be involved and what should be said.

 

Hoping the hive can come through for me with some helpful suggestions. TIA

The first thing I see is your dh has asked that you not be at family functions with this cousin. I would simply tell you mom that if this man is going to be there that you don't want the bd party done.

 

The second is this man has children? I would be highly concerned for their welfare. I would not be surprised to find out that he has not been a very good daddy, iykwim.

 

I believe that the safety of the children over rides everything else.

[Chelli]

Thanks so much, guys!

 

Everyone kind of confirmed what I already thought. Obviously the party/4th July celebration is out for us, but I just wasn't sure if we (as an extended family) needed to deal with all of this when I am home. I don't want to have an intervention (as a pp put it), but my sister thinks this is the only solution.

 

I know that my mom wasn't portrayed in the best light by what I wrote, but she had no idea any of this had happened. No one did. The only reason she asked me about it last summer was because my younger cousin had told his family, and they thought it would be wise to ask the other cousins if any of them had been victims as well. I was just the last one to be asked since I live so far away.

 

Ultimately I think my family doesn't really know what to do. It's not like there is a manual for this kind of situation (Here is how you confront a molester in your family...). Everyone has been letting it coast along while trying to figure out what to do. Some of the cousins want to have a big family meeting and confront him, but I don't want something like that to turn into a mob mentality situation considering that my older cousin was almost certainly molested as a child himself, plus I don't think his wife knows (come over for a family meeting so we can tell that you married a child molester and had a kid with him :confused:).

 

I know that it's not my fault. When I said wrote that it was more of a regret statement then anything else. My dh actually helped me heal from this experience more than anyone else, because he helped me see that my cousin was most likely a victim as well. That idea had never crossed my mind, but it helped me to forgive and begin to heal.

 

The relationship with my older cousin and I has been cordial at family gatherings in the past, but always an awkwardness between us. I've wanted so many times to tell him that I forgive him for what he did to me and talk about it with him, but the nonconfrontational part in me has always been too chicken to do it.

 

My younger cousin does know that I was a victim as well, but we've never talked about it. My grandmother thinks that his family doesn't come around because they don't care about her, and she talks bad about them. No one else in the family knew why they weren't coming around until this past summer when all was revealed.

 

Next question: I know that we need to say something to my older cousin, but who should be there (everyone, just me and my younger cousin, etc.)?

[Joanne]

Next question: I know that we need to say something to my older cousin, but who should be there (everyone, just me and my younger cousin, etc.)?

 

Please get professional mental health advice and legal advice. Seriously, a sick family can not fix themselves.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Mmmm, I've walked down a path very much like this. Without going into my back story this is what I did

 

1) I viewed the pedophile as an active threat to my daughter

 

2) Nobody hurts my baby

 

3) I kept the family pedophile away from my daughter and didn't give a **** if it made people uncomfortable. Her right to grow up unfettered by a history of molestation is WAY more important than adults feeling comfortable.

[Mommy22alyns]

NO flipping way my kids are there when he's there. It should be a simple matter to not let him be there and tell Grandma a nicer story. Your mom... nice. You have my sympathy there. My dad said some disgusting and outrageous things to me last summer and my mom is still talking to him like nothing happened (they've been divorced for many years). Real nice of mom to not back you up, and I'm so very sorry.

[Pretty in Pink]

There was an older male cousin in my family when I was a child who was a known molester and no one ever turned him in or made any sort of formal complaint. All little girls were simply told to not be alone with him - and that is an enormous and irresponsible expectation for adults to have for young children.

 

Yep. We had an uncle that we were all warned to avoid being alone with. I remember being warned at the age of 5, maybe 6, to never be alone with Uncle so-and-so. There were several female cousins in our family, all around the same age, and he had a daughter that age as well. Even though we were all told privately to avoid him, our parents had no problem sending us in groups to sleep over at his home or even having him come to stay in our own homes. I guess our parents figured that they would know what was going on in their own homes.

 

When his daughter was a teenager he got her pregnant. I don't know how it all played out, but I do know that he spent 15 years in prison for molesting his daughter. It began when she was just 3 years old. Apparently that's why we were all being warned to avoid him -- my father, all of his siblings, and even my own mother knew what he was doing to his little girl.

 

And when he got out of prison he was welcomed with open arms by his siblings and extended family. He moved right in with a cousin (far removed) and her small children, and they all just act like nothing ever happened. It's baffling.

[MelanieM]

Yep. We had an uncle that we were all warned to avoid being alone with. I remember being warned at the age of 5, maybe 6, to never be alone with Uncle so-and-so. There were several female cousins in our family, all around the same age, and he had a daughter that age as well. Even though we were all told privately to avoid him, our parents had no problem sending us in groups to sleep over at his home or even having him come to stay in our own homes. I guess our parents figured that they would know what was going on in their own homes.

 

When his daughter was a teenager he got her pregnant. I don't know how it all played out, but I do know that he spent 15 years in prison for molesting his daughter. It began when she was just 3 years old. Apparently that's why we were all being warned to avoid him -- my father, all of his siblings, and even my own mother knew what he was doing to his little girl.

 

And when he got out of prison he was welcomed with open arms by his siblings and extended family. He moved right in with a cousin (far removed) and her small children, and they all just act like nothing ever happened. It's baffling.

 

Ughhhhh. Honestly, I think the family members should be brought up on charges as well in situations such as this. How horrible that no one stepped in to save that poor little girl.

[Aubrey]

Yep. We had an uncle that we were all warned to avoid being alone with. I remember being warned at the age of 5, maybe 6, to never be alone with Uncle so-and-so. There were several female cousins in our family, all around the same age, and he had a daughter that age as well. Even though we were all told privately to avoid him, our parents had no problem sending us in groups to sleep over at his home or even having him come to stay in our own homes. I guess our parents figured that they would know what was going on in their own homes.

 

When his daughter was a teenager he got her pregnant. I don't know how it all played out, but I do know that he spent 15 years in prison for molesting his daughter. It began when she was just 3 years old. Apparently that's why we were all being warned to avoid him -- my father, all of his siblings, and even my own mother knew what he was doing to his little girl.

 

And when he got out of prison he was welcomed with open arms by his siblings and extended family. He moved right in with a cousin (far removed) and her small children, and they all just act like nothing ever happened. It's baffling.

 

:crying::mad:

 

I just want to clarify (in case I've hurt anyone) that in my (close) family situation, the family split/avoidance/etc has happened *after* predator was prosecuted. The people who are quiet about it are being quiet *after the fact.* Not during. (That I know of!) To me, an *adult* who knows what's going on & does nothing is far, far worse than the abuser. There's no mental illness excuse or anything.

 

The other situation I mentioned is my adopted great-grandmother's sister-in-law's family from 3 generations ago. Just to be clear about how far removed I was talking. My mom found out about it after I was married & told me.

[AvasMom]

Please get professional mental health advice and legal advice. Seriously, a sick family can not fix themselves.

 

:iagree: Absolutely. This is definitely a situation where you need the guidance of a professional. There's a lot at stake for a lot of people. I would look for someone certified in family therapy.

[angela in ohio]

Your dh has asked you not to take his children to an event with a known child molestor. No matter what you think or how you feel about your family, doing that would be a horrendous offense to your dh.

 

You cousin's wife needs to know (as well as any other parent in your family,) and you need to tell her now. If he has already molested his child (and the odds are very high that he has,) that child needs therapy sooner rather than later and to escape the situation. If he has not, that child needs to be protected. That need trumps all other needs of any adult involved in this siutation.

[Random]

I hope I wasn't unclear! I didn't *at all* mean that denial is easier for/on the victim.

 

Having been on the relative end of things, though, I try not to underestimate the difficulty there, either. Maybe that's easy for me to say, since I'm not a victim, but *sometimes* those who choose denial really aren't selfish & cowardly--they're doing the best they know how to do in a really awful situation. Sometimes they are the victims themselves, & it's what they've been taught--for them it's a sacrifice to keep silent & continue to be around the predator.

 

I don't ever want anyone to feel like they have any obligation to keep quiet, but I don't want to add pain to the people who have chosen to keep quiet, either, if that makes sense. It's just not a situation that anybody should ever KNOW how to handle.

 

Oh, no! I was agreeing with you. I was the one who was unclear. In our personal situation, it really is just selfishness and cowardice that enables the abuser to still feel welcome at all family functions. While, the victim is seen as the bad one because she is disturbing the 'peace'.

:grouphug:

[sheryl]

Chelli,

 

:grouphug:

 

You are the wife of a preacher. Your dh is your husband. You are his wife and responsibility. He is your covering and has mentioned that your family and your older cousin are not to be in each others' presence.

 

I would submit to my husband. He is protecting you.

 

In time, you "may" have the opportunity to witness to cousin, but right now your dh has made the line in the sand very clear.

[Joanne]

Chelli,

 

:grouphug:

 

You are the wife of a preacher. Your dh is your husband. You are his wife and responsibility. He is your covering and has mentioned that your family and your older cousin are not to be in each others' presence.

 

I would submit to my husband. He is protecting you.

 

In time, you "may" have the opportunity to witness to cousin, but right now your dh has made the line in the sand very clear.

 

:confused::001_huh::confused::001_huh::confused:

[cat]

My family and I would not attend the party if older cousin is there. You can not control who your mom decides to invite....you can only control if you go or not. I would guess your mom is in denial.

 

:grouphug:

[saraha]

Maybe someone should talk to older cousin and find out who may have been hurting him, so that you know who else to avoid. I am so, so, sorry and my heart grieves for the little girl you were and the bravery you showed to protect your family.

[elizabeth]

I am sorry.:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Secrets poison families. I would simply, calmly, be HONEST with all, and let the chips fall where they might. Prpare to "keep your head when all those about you are losing theirs". :grouphug:

[FiveOaksAcademy]

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'll keep it short.

 

I am absolutely shocked by your mother's response. Or lack thereof.

 

 

THIS!! I'd feel violated all over again!! I don't think keeping quiet is the answer, for you or for any other potential victims.

[FiveOaksAcademy]

I hate to say it but I would not have my kids there. Your mom can decide to throw a party with the cousin there and your family is elsewhere or she can throw your daughter a party and not invite him.

 

:iagree: :grouphug::grouphug:

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

Now I know why the young age was bothering me . Yes, part of it was my mommy instinct. But the main reason is that there's another guilty party in this somewhere!

 

Is the person who molested oldest cousin known?? Because, really, it wouldn't be safe to refuse to be with oldest cousin, but still be with the uncle who started everything!

[FiveOaksAcademy]

Except it went on until they were in high school. I could sort of agree if it only happened when they were really little kids, but that's not the case here.

 

:iagree: If she was in high school, that means he was probably over 18 towards the end. He KNEW!!!

[Jennifer3141]

Now I know why the young age was bothering me . Yes, part of it was my mommy instinct. But the main reason is that there's another guilty party in this somewhere!

 

Is the person who molested oldest cousin known?? Because, really, it wouldn't be safe to refuse to be with oldest cousin, but still be with the uncle who started everything!

 

:iagree:

 

Joanne can probably answer this best but do molestors appear out of nowhere??? How did this cousin get the idea unless it happened to him first?? So who else in this family is it unsafe to be around??

 

And Chelli, I think you're incredible. :grouphug:

[FiveOaksAcademy]

:grouphug: Just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you!

[Sputterduck]

Your mother is doing something evil, whether she means to or not.

[Impish]

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'll keep it short.

 

I am absolutely shocked by your mother's response. Or lack thereof.

 

:grouphug:

 

I have no experience with this, but my gut feeling is to make sure the wife knows. She has to protect her own kids.

 

 

Bottom line: You can not and will not be in the company of the molester ever again. If someone plans a party, ask if he will be there. If he will be there, say "I'm sorry, but past issues with X make it impossible for my family to be around him." You do not need to explain any further. Eventually, it WILL get back to X that you do not want to be around him. He will probably tell people he has "no idea why" you don't want to be around him, but he knows. Oh, he knows all right. And, he will likely be shamed enough not to show his face if he knows you'll be there, because he'll be afraid of you now.

 

NONE of the abuse was your fault. NONE of the awkward situations now are your fault. You did NOTHING wrong. You will be doing NOTHING wrong by refusing to be around him. He is 100% culpable for ALL of it.

:iagree:with all of the above.

[Joanne]

:iagree:

 

Joanne can probably answer this best but do molestors appear out of nowhere??? How did this cousin get the idea unless it happened to him first?? So who else in this family is it unsafe to be around??

 

And Chelli, I think you're incredible. :grouphug:

 

Sexual predators are born and made. There are different manifestations. Children who molest other children have typically been molested themselves.

[Katiebug_1976]

:grouphug: I'm very sorry that this has happened to you and your younger cousin. I cannot believe that your mother would invite him knowing what happened. I grew up in a family that did not want to "make a scene", but this is HUGE and should not be swept under the rug. I woud have to stand by dh's wishes and not be a part of any gathering that older cousin is a part of. Please take this gently, as I am intending it. You cannot put everyone else in the extended family, including older cousin, ahead of your own childrens safety and dh's wishes. Honestly, his actions need to be brought out and he should have to own up to them. Is there a chance he could be harming his own child? Or others? Praying that you will be able to make the right decision and have the courage to follow it through.

[BatmansWife]

Next question: I know that we need to say something to my older cousin, but who should be there (everyone, just me and my younger cousin, etc.)?

 

I'm not sure how to answer that...but I do think your dh should be included.

 

I was probably the one who mentioned the intervention (which it sounds like is something your sister wants to do). I'm not sure if "intervention" is the right word for it or not. But...you know what I mean....he needs to be confronted/approached about this. I bet he's thinking everyone has just swept it under the rug and he's gettin' away scott free. I don't think that's right. And, it's in no way fair to you or your younger cousin. I can imagine this is a nightmare. :grouphug:

 

And when he got out of prison he was welcomed with open arms by his siblings and extended family. He moved right in with a cousin (far removed) and her small children, and they all just act like nothing ever happened. It's baffling.

 

WOW! Baffling to say the very least!

 

Maybe someone should talk to older cousin and find out who may have been hurting him, so that you know who else to avoid. I am so, so, sorry and my heart grieves for the little girl you were and the bravery you showed to protect your family.

 

:iagree:

(of course, I agree with the part I didn't highlight in bold too). This is important....the person who did this to him may be at all the family functions as well. Who knows how many of the children in the family have been unsupervised around that person.

 

:iagree:

 

Joanne can probably answer this best but do molestors appear out of nowhere??? How did this cousin get the idea unless it happened to him first?? So who else in this family is it unsafe to be around??

 

And Chelli, I think you're incredible. :grouphug:

 

Again....:iagree: