WWYD-Is this mom leaning on me too much?

[Stacie]

My oldest two boys participate in a hs drama class that meets twice weekly for 1.5 hours. Since the meetings are regular I scheduled for a sitter to watch my two youngest boys. My idea is that this gives me a chance to watch the class and see what the boys are working on so I can help them at home. Unfortunately it's not working out that way.

 

One of the coaches in the class has four children but only one participates in the class. She brings all four and always, since the first class, tells the three kids to come sit with me so I can watch over them. They are ages 4,3, and 1. They are not well behaved. I usually end up taking them out to the playground because they are causing such a scene. My boys finish up their class but as a teacher she stays late to straighten up, answer parents questions, etc. We have to stay around for an extra 30 minutes until she's finished, which means paying my sitter more!

 

I've tried to get out of watching them by saying I was trying to pay attention to my kids, but she just tells her kids to sit with me and "be good" so I can watch the class. They are darlings who do no wrong in her eyes. I've brought books, coloring books, crayons, hotwheels, etc but nothing works to keep them distracted. I find it hard to say I can't watch them because I'm too busy when I'm just sitting there, but I don't think it's right of her to lean on me when I'm paying someone to watch my own two little ones. I tried to bring busywork twice to get out of it, but they were sent to me anyway and then pulled apart my knitting and popped the keys off my laptop keyboard (an expensive repair!) Any suggestions on how to get out of this babysitting role, or am I just being rude for not wanting to watch her kids and help her out?

 

Updates on post #63 & #84

Edited January 19, 2011 by Stacie
update info

[StephanieF]

What if you made yourself scarce a couple of times? Can you leave your kids there and go off? If you did that then she'd have to think about what to do with them a bit more and maybe leave them with someone. Either that or let them run riot whilst you are doing your busy work rather than attend to them.

Stephanie

[dirty ethel rackham]

Tell her to pay you what you are paying a sitter at home so that you can be there. Tell her that you arranged to PAY a sitter so that you can watch the class and that you feel taken advantage of by her making you her unpaid sitter. I am in a ballsy mood so I would tell her that her kids are way too young to not have dedicated supervision while she is leading this class. Suggest that she hire someone to do this and perhaps that there is a parent of one of her students who can help her find someone.

[lamamaloca]

Any suggestions on how to get out of this babysitting role, or am I just being rude for not wanting to watch her kids and help her out?

 

She is absolutely being the rude one, unless there is a written expectation or requirement that all parents contribute to the class in some way, and you've been formally asked to help with childcare. I think the only way to handle it is to be direct -- "I'm sorry, I have hired a babysitter for my own children and I am not going to watch any other children at this time."

 

Or make yourself scarce. Use that time to go sit in Starbucks and treat yourself for a couple weeks.

[Mejane]

You're paying a sitter to watch your littles, but then are expected to watch hers? Yeah, no. :glare: Tell her you appreciate the fact that she's coaching, but she needs to make arrangements for her kids. You don't need to explain yourself; the reason is obvious.

[jplain]

Do other parents leave after dropping off their kids? I'd want to avoid confrontation and give her a chance to correct the situation herself. To "help" her do this, I would plan to leave and get a coffee or run a quick errand. I'd peek in later in the class and see if I could sit somewhere and not be noticed. If the coach saw me and then sent her kids over to me, I'd have to bring it up with her directly. Gently explain the reason you are there, and the reason you don't bring your younger kids.

 

And staying after class a half hour is ridiculous! Do not let yourself be taken advantage of in this way. Leave promptly, with all the other families. If you feel obligated to say something, say "We have to leave now. See you next week!" Smile big and don't feel guilty about it.

[fairfarmhand]

Do other parents leave after dropping off their kids? I'd want to avoid confrontation and give her a chance to correct the situation herself. To "help" her do this, I would plan to leave and get a coffee or run a quick errand. I'd peek in later in the class and see if I could sit somewhere and not be noticed. If the coach saw me and then sent her kids over to me, I'd have to bring it up with her directly. Gently explain the reason you are there, and the reason you don't bring your younger kids.

 

And staying after class a half hour is ridiculous! Do not let yourself be taken advantage of in this way. Leave promptly, with all the other families. If you feel obligated to say something, say "We have to leave now. See you next week!" Smile big and don't feel guilty about it.

this is what I'd do.

[Stacie]

Speak with the person who is in charge of the class.

 

If it's for a fee, perhaps your boys' fees could be waived since you are being asked to provide babysitting services to the employees?

 

Yes, there's a fee for the class. I don't mind paying the fee because my boys are learning from it. I don't want to barter out of paying, I just want to be there to enjoy my boys' participation. As it is now, I don't get to see what is happening and I don't get to see what skills we need to work on at home. I do want my boys to succeed in the program, and practice is one of the biggest factors in that.

 

Honestly, the biggest reason is that I just don't *want* to watch her kids. I want to watch my own!

Edited January 19, 2011 by Stacie

[Stacie]

Do other parents leave after dropping off their kids? I'd want to avoid confrontation and give her a chance to correct the situation herself. To "help" her do this, I would plan to leave and get a coffee or run a quick errand. I'd peek in later in the class and see if I could sit somewhere and not be noticed. If the coach saw me and then sent her kids over to me, I'd have to bring it up with her directly. Gently explain the reason you are there, and the reason you don't bring your younger kids.

 

And staying after class a half hour is ridiculous! Do not let yourself be taken advantage of in this way. Leave promptly, with all the other families. If you feel obligated to say something, say "We have to leave now. See you next week!" Smile big and don't feel guilty about it.

 

I agree with this. It's just hard to do. I'm just going to put on my spine clothes today and do something. It's difficult to do because she's disorganized, arrives just as class is starting, and shoos the kids over to me as she's running by. I never have a chance to talk to her. I hesitate to call her before class to tell her I'm going to leave for a while, because it seems I'm acknowledging an arrangement we don't have. :confused: I may just stay outside in my car until class starts, then leave. My boys have phones so they can get in touch with me if there's an emergency.

[AngieW in Texas]

I may just stay outside in my car until class starts, then leave. My boys have phones so they can get in touch with me if there's an emergency.

 

I would probably do this for at least the next week or two. Don't go in afterward either. Just call your boys on their phones and have them meet you at the car.

[brehon]

I agree with this. It's just hard to do. I'm just going to put on my spine clothes today and do something. It's difficult to do because she's disorganized, arrives just as class is starting, and shoos the kids over to me as she's running by. I never have a chance to talk to her. I hesitate to call her before class to tell her I'm going to leave for a while, because it seems I'm acknowledging an arrangement we don't have. :confused: I may just stay outside in my car until class starts, then leave. My boys have phones so they can get in touch with me if there's an emergency.

 

*hands over appropriately sized armor"

 

Just a gentle reminder that "No." is a complete sentence. I hate when others, intentionally or not, take advantage. If/when she shoos her kids to you, simply walk them back to her and say, "No."

 

Of course, you're probably a much nicer person than I am; so, maybe you can say something along the lines of "No. I'm not available to watch your children." Then either leave or go sit somewhere else. Ultimately, I think you'll have to directly tell her that you are not a babysitter -- and certainly not an unpaid one.

[Mejane]

Perhaps if you stay away for a few classes, she'll make alternate arrangements and then you will be able to stay and watch.

[jplain]

I hesitate to call her before class to tell her I'm going to leave for a while, because it seems I'm acknowledging an arrangement we don't have. :confused:

:iagree:

 

And again, don't feel bad. What would this mom do if your boys were absent due to illness?

She can't be angry at you for not participating in an arrangement you never actually agreed to!

[Dobela]

I agree with this. It's just hard to do. I'm just going to put on my spine clothes today and do something. It's difficult to do because she's disorganized, arrives just as class is starting, and shoos the kids over to me as she's running by. I never have a chance to talk to her. I hesitate to call her before class to tell her I'm going to leave for a while, because it seems I'm acknowledging an arrangement we don't have. :confused: I may just stay outside in my car until class starts, then leave. My boys have phones so they can get in touch with me if there's an emergency.

:iagree: Jut drive around the block a few times, go buy a soda and then 'arrive' late. By that time she should have found someone else to keep her children.

 

I do think it is rude, and she is taking serious advantage of you. How long is this class expected to last?

[JudoMom]

My oldest two boys participate in a hs drama class that meets twice weekly for 1.5 hours. Since the meetings are regular I scheduled for a sitter to watch my two youngest boys. My idea is that this gives me a chance to watch the class and see what the boys are working on so I can help them at home. Unfortunately it's not working out that way.

 

One of the coaches in the class has four children but only one participates in the class. She brings all four and always, since the first class, tells the three kids to come sit with me so I can watch over them. They are ages 4,3, and 1. They are not well behaved. I usually end up taking them out to the playground because they are causing such a scene. My boys finish up their class but as a teacher she stays late to straighten up, answer parents questions, etc. We have to stay around for an extra 30 minutes until she's finished, which means paying my sitter more!

 

I've tried to get out of watching them by saying I was trying to pay attention to my kids, but she just tells her kids to sit with me and "be good" so I can watch the class. They are darlings who do no wrong in her eyes. I've brought books, coloring books, crayons, hotwheels, etc but nothing works to keep them distracted. I find it hard to say I can't watch them because I'm too busy when I'm just sitting there, but I don't think it's right of her to lean on me when I'm paying someone to watch my own two little ones. I tried to bring busywork twice to get out of it, but they were sent to me anyway and then pulled apart my knitting and popped the keys off my laptop keyboard (an expensive repair!) Any suggestions on how to get out of this babysitting role, or am I just being rude for not wanting to watch her kids and help her out?

 

How many other coaches are there in the class? Could you discuss this with one of them to see if they have any suggestions? The other coaches may not realize this is a problem, and it is completely unprofessional. If she can't find childcare for her kids, she needs to not coach.

 

If not, I would be as direct as possible with the woman. She is taking advantage of you. You are paying for her services, you have paid someone to watch your younger kids, and you have no reason to feel guilty about not watching her kids.

 

I would tell the coach point blank that you do not her to send her kids over to sit by you. If she pulls the "they'll be angels" line, tell her it doesn't matter, you do not want to be responsible for them. If she sends them to you anyway, tell the children they need to go sit near their mom. Just keep sending them back with a smile.

[Harriet Vane]

Tell her to pay you what you are paying a sitter at home so that you can be there. Tell her that you arranged to PAY a sitter so that you can watch the class and that you feel taken advantage of by her making you her unpaid sitter. I am in a ballsy mood so I would tell her that her kids are way too young to not have dedicated supervision while she is leading this class. Suggest that she hire someone to do this and perhaps that there is a parent of one of her students who can help her find someone.

 

:iagree:

[PiCO]

How long has this been going on? If you have been watching her kids for more than a couple weeks, I think you should contact her at least the day before the class and tell her you're not available to watch her kids during class, especially if she is the only teacher. Can you imagine the students getting anything out of the class if you weren't there watching the kids? The other parents probably think you have some sort of arrangement with her, so they would think you are shirking your duties if you don't show. If you can't get a hold of her, talk to her after class.

 

If it's only been a week or so, or if there are other teachers there, then I vote for staying in your car and sending your kids in alone.

 

(What she is doing is COMPLETELY inapropriate and unprofessional.)

[ETA- obviously the advise above does not apply, as the woman is bat-sh*t crazy.]

Edited January 20, 2011 by PiCO

[JoyfulMama]

I agree with this. It's just hard to do. I'm just going to put on my spine clothes today and do something. It's difficult to do because she's disorganized, arrives just as class is starting, and shoos the kids over to me as she's running by. I never have a chance to talk to her. I hesitate to call her before class to tell her I'm going to leave for a while, because it seems I'm acknowledging an arrangement we don't have. :confused: I may just stay outside in my car until class starts, then leave. My boys have phones so they can get in touch with me if there's an emergency.

 

I would drop off the boys, run a quick errand (or stay in the car and read for 15 minutes) before I went in myself. If when you go in the kids are again sent in your direction, then a direct conversation would be warranted. Put on your big girl panties! You can do this!

[Nakia]

I actually think you are going to have to just grab the bull by the horns, and tell her no. I wouldn't worry about trying not to be there when class starts to avoid it because I bet she will send them right over to you as soon as you get there, and you will be stuck again. I would call her over right away, even if she is running late and it delays class, and tell her that you paid a babysitter for your littles and that you are there only to watch your older boys. That should be clear enough. No further explanation needed.

 

And she is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. It is really crossing the line that she expects you to bring things to occupy her kids because she doesn't do it herself. Way out of line.

[Teachin'Mine]

I agree with this. It's just hard to do. I'm just going to put on my spine clothes today and do something. It's difficult to do because she's disorganized, arrives just as class is starting, and shoos the kids over to me as she's running by. I never have a chance to talk to her. I hesitate to call her before class to tell her I'm going to leave for a while, because it seems I'm acknowledging an arrangement we don't have. :confused: I may just stay outside in my car until class starts, then leave. My boys have phones so they can get in touch with me if there's an emergency.

 

Stacie I think that's a good solution if you don't want to have to talk with her about this. But it still means that you're not able to be there watching your two. I would suggest calling her to explain that the only reason you stay during class, and hire a babysitter for your own two at home, is that you want to watch what's going on in the class. I would tell her that you don't want to be responsible for hers since it takes your attention away. I'm not sure you'd want you own little ones exposed to these children, but you could offer to bring your sitter to class, and she could pay her portion of the cost for her watching the five of them - assuming this would be okay with your sitter. My guess is she doesn't want to pay at all for a sitter, and will probably end up putting them off on some other unsuspecting mother.

[Remudamom]

Insane. I would just tell her "I am not going to watch your children. Period."

[Tammyla]

Yes, she is taking advantage of you for free baby-sitting. I'd speak up, or be anywhere, but in there.

 

 

I agree with this. It's just hard to do. I'm just going to put on my spine clothes today and do something. It's difficult to do because she's disorganized, arrives just as class is starting, and shoos the kids over to me as she's running by. I never have a chance to talk to her. I hesitate to call her before class to tell her I'm going to leave for a while, because it seems I'm acknowledging an arrangement we don't have. :confused: I may just stay outside in my car until class starts, then leave. My boys have phones so they can get in touch with me if there's an emergency.

[laughing lioness]

People treat my older girls like this all the time. They both have become VERY adept at saying, "your kid are not my responsiblity."

[Impish]

Insane. I would just tell her "I am not going to watch your children. Period."

 

People treat my older girls like this all the time. They both have become VERY adept at saying, "your kid are not my responsiblity."

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[FO4UR]

I would drop the boys off this week, don't go inside at all.

 

Next week and every week after, show up late.

[JFSinIL]

Find a place to sit where they can not sit with you...and then get up and MOVE if they do so. Tell the mom you have PAID A SITTER for your younger ones so you can concentrate on your older boys and are NOT watching her kids. If you wanted to be distracted from the acting you'd have brought your own littles!

 

And, when class is over - take your kids and LEAVE.

Edited January 19, 2011 by JFSinIL

[Brilliant]

I agree with this. It's just hard to do. I'm just going to put on my spine clothes today and do something. It's difficult to do because she's disorganized, arrives just as class is starting, and shoos the kids over to me as she's running by. I never have a chance to talk to her. I hesitate to call her before class to tell her I'm going to leave for a while, because it seems I'm acknowledging an arrangement we don't have. :confused: I may just stay outside in my car until class starts, then leave. My boys have phones so they can get in touch with me if there's an emergency.

 

I can't wait to see how this turns out. We are rooting for you, Stacie!

[silliness7]

Stacie I think that's a good solution if you don't want to have to talk with her about this. But it still means that you're not able to be there watching your two. I would suggest calling her to explain that the only reason you stay during class' date=' and hire a babysitter for your own two at home, is that you want to watch what's going on in the class. I would tell her that you don't want to be responsible for hers since it takes your attention away. I'm not sure you'd want you own little ones exposed to these children, but you could offer to bring your sitter to class, and she could pay her portion of the cost for her watching the five of them - assuming this would be okay with your sitter. My guess is she doesn't want to pay at all for a sitter, and will probably end up putting them off on some other unsuspecting mother.[/quote']

 

 

Absolutely excellent advice!!! The coach probably does not know that you have younger children at home for whom you have hired a sitter so that you don't have to watch children while at practice. (which is absolutely no excuse for her abominable behavior not only in taking advantage of you but also in charging a fee for her services when she is bringing her littles...way unprofessional!)

 

"hey listen, I've hired a sitter to watch my littles so I can come with my big kids to this class and see how I can help them at home. Do you want me to ask my sitter if she would come up here and the two of us can split the cost of our kids?"

 

Maybe you already know this wouldn't work for whatever reason. I would say it anyway. It's a non-confrontational way of informing her of what is going on. I can't stand confrontation. It makes me sick to my stomach and I would rather not go and even take my kids out of the class than confront. Good Luck!

[bookfiend]

The sweet version:

 

"You are doing such a wonderful job coaching my boys. We are delighted to be part of this drama team. I haven't had any drama training and want to be certain that ______ and ________ are practicing their skills at home which is why I've hired a babysitter so that I can be to observe. I'm afraid that the past few weeks while I've been watching your darlings, I haven't been able to work effectively with my boys at home. I'm sure you understand why I won't be able to help with ____, ____ and ____ anymore. Would you like the name of a great sitter who could come here to help you while you teach?"

[elizabeth rose]

don't sit in your car to avoid her kids, you WANT to watch your boys right? Just ignore her kids, if they become disruptive, move away. If this does not work, tell her her children are being disruptive, could she please attend to them? assertiveness is necessary with people who are assertively taking advantage of you!

[FaithManor]

Here is the conversation:

 

"Dear ______, thank for teaching my children. They are getting so much out of your class. However, I do have a problem. I attend the class in order to be informed of not only the content, but also the requirements so that I can be sure they are getting the most they can out of your class. I am there to observe, not to babysit. Since I end up outside with your children, I am not able to attend the class which is the reason I come in the first place. Please find a babysitter or another mom who doesn't mind watching your precious little ones as I really need to be in the classroom and therefore, will no longer be able to take responsibility for your children. Thanks a bunch! Have a nice day."

 

The teacher makes a rather LARGE assumption in my opinion.

 

Faith

[Parrothead]

Did she ask you to watch the kids or was it more of a "go over there and sit with that lady" type thing?

 

If she has asked you to watch them then you need to tell her that you are unavailable to do so. There is no need to give a reason. Just a simple, "You'll have to make other arrangements after today because I won't be available." Then walk away.

 

If it was a "go over there and sit with that lady" thing then you owe her nothing. The polite thing to do would be to tell her today that after today you will not be there during class for the foreseeable future. Then give it a few weeks for her new arrangements to kick in. If you show up and there is no one there for the kids and they try to reattach themselves, you'll have to get up and leave.

 

Of course you don't have to give any warning at all. Just drop and run.

[fhjmom]

The sweet version:

 

"You are doing such a wonderful job coaching my boys. We are delighted to be part of this drama team. I haven't had any drama training and want to be certain that ______ and ________ are practicing their skills at home which is why I've hired a babysitter so that I can be to observe. I'm afraid that the past few weeks while I've been watching your darlings, I haven't been able to work effectively with my boys at home. I'm sure you understand why I won't be able to help with ____, ____ and ____ anymore. Would you like the name of a great sitter who could come here to help you while you teach?"

 

Can you email her before class today and very nicely say something such as the previous poster recommended? I might add something about there being a misunderstanding that you would watch her children but you cannot do that anymore. (The above is nice enough it almost sounds as if you didn't mind doing it before.) I wouldn't avoid class because you have the right to watch your children's activities without being imposed upon.

 

I do have a couple of other thoughts: is this woman the one in charge of the program or is there anyone/any group overseeing the class? If so, I would be inclined to let the higher up's know what has happened so she does not continue to try to take advantage of another unsuspecting parent.

 

Also, if she is often rushing in late, disorganized, thinks it's okay to put her children off on other people while she is working, I would be inclined to find a different drama group for my children to participate in.

[Stacie]

You are all right! It's been going on for over two months, and there's no end in sight. I do plan to talk to her about it, but doing so before the class has not worked. She knows about my two other children--we have known each other for years and attend the same church. However, we do not have a relationship outside of greetings in passing, and we are not friends who help one another out and watch each others' kids. In fact, she asked about the other two at the first drama class and I told her I hired a sitter so I could participate with my older two. I can't offer the share the sitter option because there's no where for my sitter to watch my little ones without them wanting me, and my autistic son is higher maintenance so that I can't comfortably ask the sitter to take on three more.

 

I've told her many times that I can't watch them and provided reasons (it's too cold to take them outside, I have work to do, I have a cold, they are too active for me to pay attention to my own, etc.) She doesn't take that as an answer, and sends them over with a warning to "be good so Mrs. Stacie can do her work." It's not like I've been afraid of her, she just doesn't take the hint or understand my explanations. So since hints or explaining doesn't work, I'm going to stay away at the beginning of a few meetings and hope the cold shoulder works. Missing a little is better than missing all of them, and my older boys are aware of the reasons why I have to do what I'm doing. They want my attention too.

 

Thanks for the pep talk, I needed it!!

[dakarimom5]

Honestly, the biggest reason is that I just don't *want* to watch her kids. I want to watch my own!

 

 

Do not feel guilty about this!! It is her responsibility to provide chidcare for her children...and I don't mean having you do it.

[elfgivas]

i'm in complete agreement with what has been posted so far. i'm all for simple, direct, pleasant communication.

 

that said, there may be a flip side.

 

i've been a single mom. i've taken my kids with me to events that i was being paid to lead.... because they weren't paying enough for me to pay for a sitter and food, because the kids had events prior or post and there wasn't time or people to get them where they needed to go if they weren't with me, because a sitter cancelled (unlikely in this case), because the management said "sure, bring your kids, we really need you"....

 

my kids were well behaved. (mostly, but they were children...). there were times when one mother or another took them under their wing and it was truly a blessing to me. however, i would make sure to touch base with the person before i started, and again afterwards. i would also parent during the event if it became clear that was necessary. it usually happened with each child once, and they were so mortified that i stopped to speak to them that it wasn't necessary again.

 

so it is unfortunately true there are folks who will simply take advantage.... but there are also folks who are professional, who raise their children well, and who are between a rock and a hard place. that might help you preface your comments with something like "it must be difficult for you to coach with your kids dashing around, but its hard for me to watch my kids if i'm watching yours, too. you probably aren't aware, but i'm paying a sitter for my younger two just so that i can be here without kids to watch you work with my older two. is there a different way we can handle this, so i'm not feeling responsible for your kids but so that you can still give the class your complete attention?"

 

it reminds me of that old song:

"i've looked at life from both sides now..... i really don't know life.... at all"

 

fwiw,

ann

 

eta: i just read your update. it sounds like she does not want to understand what you are saying, which is something completely different. i would ask her specifically not to send her children over to where you are. if that doesn't work, i would speak with the person in charge. (of course, being me, it might sound more like an apology at first. "i'm sorry i haven't managed to communicate this clearly, so this may sound a little blunt, but i need your children not to be with me during class. i've tried for the past two months, and it simply isn't working. please ask them to stay away from me.") sigh....

Edited January 19, 2011 by elfgivas@yahoo.com

[orangearrow]

People treat my older girls like this all the time. They both have become VERY adept at saying, "your kid are not my responsiblity."

 

Insane. I would just tell her "I am not going to watch your children. Period."

 

 

:iagree: Yep - without hesitation.

[Stacie]

Did she ask you to watch the kids or was it more of a "go over there and sit with that lady" type thing?

 

 

 

Here's a bit of the detailed history:

 

At the first class meeting she was there early, asked about my younger two, then explained she had to go put her things up and take roll. She asked if I could keep an eye on her kids "sitting over there" for a few minutes, and sat them away from where I was sitting. I watched them out of the corner of my eye, and shook my head when one started jumping off his chair. After about 15 minutes she came and sat with them while the director addressed the parents and the kids. I didn't agree to watch them, only to keep an eye on them while she put her bags up.

 

The very next two class meetings we missed due to sickness. When we came back she, as she ran past me because she was running late, told me she was so glad we were back, the kids missed me being there to play with them :confused:, and sent them running over to me. After that mind numbing day I told her I couldn't watch them because they were distracting me from watching my own. The next week when she shooed them my way I shook my head and she said they'd be good for me this time and wouldn't be a distraction. It's been one comeback after another since that meeting.

 

I've tried moving when they started acting up. The director sent her to tend to them, and she sent them to sit with me again! There is no direct or indirect way to get across to her I do not want to watch them. DH suggested I show up with a cooler of Mikes lemonade and pork skins (she's a health nut) and tell her I brought snacks to share. :D I doubt that would stop her though! :tongue_smilie:

[Harriet Vane]

You are all right! It's been going on for over two months, and there's no end in sight. I do plan to talk to her about it, but doing so before the class has not worked. She knows about my two other children--we have known each other for years and attend the same church. However, we do not have a relationship outside of greetings in passing, and we are not friends who help one another out and watch each others' kids. In fact, she asked about the other two at the first drama class and I told her I hired a sitter so I could participate with my older two. I can't offer the share the sitter option because there's no where for my sitter to watch my little ones without them wanting me, and my autistic son is higher maintenance so that I can't comfortably ask the sitter to take on three more.

 

I've told her many times that I can't watch them and provided reasons (it's too cold to take them outside, I have work to do, I have a cold, they are too active for me to pay attention to my own, etc.) She doesn't take that as an answer, and sends them over with a warning to "be good so Mrs. Stacie can do her work." It's not like I've been afraid of her, she just doesn't take the hint or understand my explanations. So since hints or explaining doesn't work, I'm going to stay away at the beginning of a few meetings and hope the cold shoulder works. Missing a little is better than missing all of them, and my older boys are aware of the reasons why I have to do what I'm doing. They want my attention too.

 

Thanks for the pep talk, I needed it!!

 

I don't think the cold shoulder will work. I think you will have to be specific and explicit, each and every time: "I cannot watch your children during practice."

 

I also think a longer conversation is necessary as well, wherein you specifically explain to her (yes, again) about your own sitter and say something like, "Your kids seem to struggle with the long practice, and it's clear that they need someone to care for them during that time." Tell her, IN SO MANY WORDS, that much as you like her little darlings, they cannot sit with you to do their work because they struggle and distract or fight or whatever and need someone to actually watch them.

[Harriet Vane]

Here's a bit of the detailed history:

 

At the first class meeting she was there early, asked about my younger two, then explained she had to go put her things up and take roll. She asked if I could keep an eye on her kids "sitting over there" for a few minutes, and sat them away from where I was sitting. I watched them out of the corner of my eye, and shook my head when one started jumping off his chair. After about 15 minutes she came and sat with them while the director addressed the parents and the kids. I didn't agree to watch them, only to keep an eye on them while she put her bags up.

 

The very next two class meetings we missed due to sickness. When we came back she, as she ran past me because she was running late, told me she was so glad we were back, the kids missed me being there to play with them :confused:, and sent them running over to me. After that mind numbing day I told her I couldn't watch them because they were distracting me from watching my own. The next week when she shooed them my way I shook my head and she said they'd be good for me this time and wouldn't be a distraction. It's been one comeback after another since that meeting.

 

I've tried moving when they started acting up. The director sent her to tend to them, and she sent them to sit with me again! There is no direct or indirect way to get across to her I do not want to watch them. DH suggested I show up with a cooler of Mikes lemonade and pork skins (she's a health nut) and tell her I brought snacks to share. :D I doubt that would stop her though! :tongue_smilie:

 

WOW! It's actually worse than I thought. She's really got some nerve.

 

I'll add to my previous post--I think you need to get the director involved.

 

And I think you need to say to this woman, "I never agreed to watch your kids. This has spiraled into a situation that is awkward for me."

[elinnea]

That's totally crazy! From what you've written, it seems like it won't even work to tell her firmly and directly that you won't watch her kids because she isn't going to take no for an answer.

I'd personally go the route of telling the director your feelings and see if she can't have more influence over this woman or just make youself scarce during the class.

Sorry you going though this. I've had other moms do this to me before and it is so annoying and uncomfortable. I wouldn't dream of foisting my kids on another mom like that!

[Stacie]

i'm in complete agreement with what has been posted so far. i'm all for simple, direct, pleasant communication.

 

that said, there may be a flip side.

 

i've been a single mom. i've taken my kids with me to events that i was being paid to lead.... because they weren't paying enough for me to pay for a sitter and food, because the kids had events prior or post and there wasn't time or people to get them where they needed to go if they weren't with me, because a sitter cancelled (unlikely in this case), because the management said "sure, bring your kids, we really need you"....

 

my kids were well behaved. (mostly, but they were children...). there were times when one mother or another took them under their wing and it was truly a blessing to me. however, i would make sure to touch base with the person before i started, and again afterwards. i would also parent during the event if it became clear that was necessary. it usually happened with each child once, and they were so mortified that i stopped to speak to them that it wasn't necessary again.

 

so it is unfortunately true there are folks who will simply take advantage.... but there are also folks who are professional, who raise their children well, and who are between a rock and a hard place. that might help you preface your comments with something like "it must be difficult for you to coach with your kids dashing around, but its hard for me to watch my kids if i'm watching yours, too. you probably aren't aware, but i'm paying a sitter for my younger two just so that i can be here without kids to watch you work with my older two. is there a different way we can handle this, so i'm not feeling responsible for your kids but so that you can still give the class your complete attention?"

 

it reminds me of that old song:

"i've looked at life from both sides now..... i really don't know life.... at all"

 

fwiw,

ann

 

eta: i just read your update. it sounds like she does not want to understand what you are saying, which is something completely different. i would ask her specifically not to send her children over to where you are. if that doesn't work, i would speak with the person in charge. (of course, being me, it might sound more like an apology at first. "i'm sorry i haven't managed to communicate this clearly, so this may sound a little blunt, but i need your children not to be with me during class. i've tried for the past two months, and it simply isn't working. please ask them to stay away from me.") sigh....

 

Thanks for the perspective. I will keep it in mind, but honestly I think this is more of an entitlement mindset. She's an arrogant, diva-like personality and while this serves her well in the dramatic arts, it just doesn't work in this situation. I'll involve the director if my disappearing act doesn't work but I can't make it sound like I'm apologizing. It's not my fault and I have nothing to feel sorry about, though I understand where you're coming from with your wording. Thank you!

[Stacie]

Sitter is coming down the street and I have my Starbucks gold card and a full tank of gas ready! Thanks everyone for the motivation...I'll update after I do my disappearing act.

[Miss Peregrine]

:auto:

[Pink Fairy]

That's totally crazy! From what you've written, it seems like it won't even work to tell her firmly and directly that you won't watch her kids because she isn't going to take no for an answer.

I'd personally go the route of telling the director your feelings and see if she can't have more influence over this woman or just make youself scarce during the class.

Sorry you going though this. I've had other moms do this to me before and it is so annoying and uncomfortable. I wouldn't dream of foisting my kids on another mom like that!

 

:iagree: Wow, she's got big, um, nerve.

[JudoMom]

Here's a bit of the detailed history:

 

At the first class meeting she was there early, asked about my younger two, then explained she had to go put her things up and take roll. She asked if I could keep an eye on her kids "sitting over there" for a few minutes, and sat them away from where I was sitting. I watched them out of the corner of my eye, and shook my head when one started jumping off his chair. After about 15 minutes she came and sat with them while the director addressed the parents and the kids. I didn't agree to watch them, only to keep an eye on them while she put her bags up.

 

The very next two class meetings we missed due to sickness. When we came back she, as she ran past me because she was running late, told me she was so glad we were back, the kids missed me being there to play with them :confused:, and sent them running over to me. After that mind numbing day I told her I couldn't watch them because they were distracting me from watching my own. The next week when she shooed them my way I shook my head and she said they'd be good for me this time and wouldn't be a distraction. It's been one comeback after another since that meeting.

 

I've tried moving when they started acting up. The director sent her to tend to them, and she sent them to sit with me again! There is no direct or indirect way to get across to her I do not want to watch them. DH suggested I show up with a cooler of Mikes lemonade and pork skins (she's a health nut) and tell her I brought snacks to share. :D I doubt that would stop her though! :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol: I would absolutely talk to the director. She's got some nerve!

[5kidsforME]

i'm in complete agreement with what has been posted so far. i'm all for simple, direct, pleasant communication.

 

that said, there may be a flip side.

 

i've been a single mom. i've taken my kids with me to events that i was being paid to lead.... because they weren't paying enough for me to pay for a sitter and food, because the kids had events prior or post and there wasn't time or people to get them where they needed to go if they weren't with me, because a sitter cancelled (unlikely in this case), because the management said "sure, bring your kids, we really need you"....

 

my kids were well behaved. (mostly, but they were children...). there were times when one mother or another took them under their wing and it was truly a blessing to me. however, i would make sure to touch base with the person before i started, and again afterwards. i would also parent during the event if it became clear that was necessary. it usually happened with each child once, and they were so mortified that i stopped to speak to them that it wasn't necessary again.

 

so it is unfortunately true there are folks who will simply take advantage.... but there are also folks who are professional, who raise their children well, and who are between a rock and a hard place. that might help you preface your comments with something like "it must be difficult for you to coach with your kids dashing around, but its hard for me to watch my kids if i'm watching yours, too. you probably aren't aware, but i'm paying a sitter for my younger two just so that i can be here without kids to watch you work with my older two. is there a different way we can handle this, so i'm not feeling responsible for your kids but so that you can still give the class your complete attention?"

 

it reminds me of that old song:

"i've looked at life from both sides now..... i really don't know life.... at all"

 

fwiw,

ann

 

eta: i just read your update. it sounds like she does not want to understand what you are saying, which is something completely different. i would ask her specifically not to send her children over to where you are. if that doesn't work, i would speak with the person in charge. (of course, being me, it might sound more like an apology at first. "i'm sorry i haven't managed to communicate this clearly, so this may sound a little blunt, but i need your children not to be with me during class. i've tried for the past two months, and it simply isn't working. please ask them to stay away from me.") sigh....

 

 

But as the OP has said from the beginning, this is not the case. What you are saying (apples) is like trying to compare what she is saying (oranges).

[v-girl]

DH suggested I show up with a cooler of Mikes lemonade and pork skins (she's a health nut) and tell her I brought snacks to share. :D I doubt that would stop her though! :tongue_smilie:

 

I'd hang out with you and enjoy the hard lemonade and pork rinds! :D

[Garga]

Sitter is coming down the street and I have my Starbucks gold card and a full tank of gas ready! Thanks everyone for the motivation...I'll update after I do my disappearing act.

 

 

 

Oooo! Stacie is there RIGHT NOW! I wonder how it's going....I can't wait to hear the update.

[In the Rain]

Sitter is coming down the street and I have my Starbucks gold card and a full tank of gas ready! Thanks everyone for the motivation...I'll update after I do my disappearing act.

 

:bigear: I can't wait to hear how it plays out. I'm shocked at the lady's nerve. You've tried everything I would have tried. I hope it works out so you can sit and watch your kids some day. :grouphug: