Would you be disappointed?

[Only me]

My husband and I celebrated our 20th anniversary yesterday. We usually just give each other a card and go out to eat. A few years dh has bought me flowers but not usually. Since it was our 20th anniversary last week I told dh that I wanted to get him something but I really didn't know what he wanted. He went ahead and bought something that he wanted, which is what I suggested.

 

I was really hoping for something since it was our 20th anniversary but I didn't get anything. Money isn't an issue but I wasn't expecting something big maybe just flowers or inexpensive jewelry. We went out for a nice dinner and then came home and that was it.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Maybe he thought you were going to buy something you wanted, too? Or maybe he's waiting for the big 25?

 

I would be a little disappointed, but I wouldn't expect much from my dh. He never buys me anything, unless my sisters or mom tell him exactly what to get, exactly where to locate it, and exactly how much it will cost!

[Carol in Cal.]

What is it about guys sometimes.

[ma23peas]

yes, I would be disappointed..BUT men aren't mind readers...we've been married 18 years and each year I tell him...let's not do anything big...this year we gave each other dinner with the kids and a big hug...the kids made us amazing cards and we called it a day...but I always use that opportunity to say, "Now on the 20th, 25th, 30th, and every 5 year span up from there, we better knock it out of the park!" :) We plan to do a cruise for our 20th...saving now....but my husband would never have had a clue had it not been for my gentle and loud hints all these years! :)

 

Have a talk with him...let him know you were disappointed....see if he'll go with you and pick something out or plan a weekend surprise away and treat him as well! :)

 

Tara

[BMW]

I have to really, really spell it out or it just wont happen! It was my birthday last week and I really like to get a present... it means a lot to me... and he was out of town and called and said Happy Birthday. When he got home for the weekend, he went on an outting, then my one day off over the weekend, he was gone all day and evening. I had to tell him, "You missed my birthday and I had really wanted you to take me shopping and let me pick out some things. I feel disappointed." He did take me out shopping, but it was either before or after work. That would not have happened if I didn't tell him...

 

Our anniversary went by unnoticed this year because we had a few fires to put out in life at the time...

 

That said, when he travels, he often brings me home t-shirts, pajamas or slippers! I love that. He misses me so much when he goes away... If he didn't travel, I don't know that he'd buy me anything! I am often the one to plan and make sure kids or grandkids get gifts...

 

I know if it's important to me... I better talk about it and make sure he knows what I'd like or expect.

[amy g.]

We have been married 18 years, and I'm already talking to Dh about what I want for our 20th anniversary. I have to be very clear with him, or he won't know what I want.

 

I've asked for an emerald and diamond ring of my own design. He's happy with that, because jewelry doesn't have feed or vet bills. I told him, "Let's start pricing the stones now so you will have an idea of how much money you will need to save up for me."

 

So yes, I would be disappointed, but my husband would do the same thing if I didn't "help" him.

[Dobela]

My dh is pretty good about getting me a card, but beyond that I have to spell it out clearly, multiple times and well in advance. When it is birthday or Christmas, I have to start saying things like, "when will you be taking the kids out to buy my gifts from them?" And gifts are not even my love language - but I want my son to at least understand that people buy gifts for moms and wives, for his adulthood.

[mysticamethyst]

Yes, I would be disappointed but my dh is exactly like yours. I need to tell him with no mistakes that a gift will be required and yes you have to go shopping, otherwise its just dinner out and only then if I planned it. I don't think I have ever gotten a card. Men are such silly creatures and they think we are the tough ones to figure out.:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Happy Anniversary to you 20 years is really a great thing.

[Parrothead]

Thanks for this thread. I thought I was the only one with a dh that needed to be told exactly what to get. I've been taking it personally for years. Now I know better.

 

Happy, I've had a couple important days like the one you described for your anniversary. Yes, I was disappointed and often wondered what was wrong with my dh. Why he couldn't be bothered to go to the store and even pick out a card.

 

I suppose after reading this thread it is a man thing that I will never understand.

[kewb]

Yes, I would be disappointed. At the same time, I have to hit my dh over the head with a 2 x 4 and spell out what I am expecting. He can't read my mind. My disappointment with stem from the fact that he did not read my mind. After 17 years of marriage I know that but sometimes I forget.

[MissKNG]

Congrats on the 20 years!

 

No...

For me personally, a nice dinner out is all I need. I don't care for jewelry or cards. Heck, even a dinner at my favorite diner would be enough! LOL!

[novagirl]

yes, I would be disappointed..BUT men aren't mind readers...we've been married 18 years and each year I tell him...let's not do anything big...this year we gave each other dinner with the kids and a big hug...the kids made us amazing cards and we called it a day...but I always use that opportunity to say, "Now on the 20th, 25th, 30th, and every 5 year span up from there, we better knock it out of the park!" :) We plan to do a cruise for our 20th...saving now....but my husband would never have had a clue had it not been for my gentle and loud hints all these years! :)

 

Have a talk with him...let him know you were disappointed....see if he'll go with you and pick something out or plan a weekend surprise away and treat him as well! :)

 

Tara

:iagree::iagree:Yes this exactly! If I don't spell something out for my husband I can just expect disappointment. It's not that he is uncaring..it's just that he doesn't always "get it".

[i.love.lucy]

For me it's the thought that counts. So if I have to spell it out, then he didn't do the thinking. So yes, I do get disappointed. I wish, after all this time together, he could see that all I wanted was for him to think "how can I make her feel special?". A dinner out is FINE. But I would want him to think of it, plan it, get a sitter, etc. When I have to do all the planning for every birthday, holiday, anniversary, etc, it makes me feel like I have the chance to make everyone else feel special and no one does that for me. Eh, the life of a mom, huh?

[Hedgehog]

For me it's the thought that counts. So if I have to spell it out, then he didn't do the thinking. So yes, I do get disappointed. I wish, after all this time together, he could see that all I wanted was for him to think "how can I make her feel special?". A dinner out is FINE. But I would want him to think of it, plan it, get a sitter, etc. When I have to do all the planning for every birthday, holiday, anniversary, etc, it makes me feel like I have the chance to make everyone else feel special and no one does that for me.

 

:iagree: My dh is just beginning to do this, sometimes. It makes a huge difference to me. The change has come about because we've been through some really difficult times and we've talked a lot about our relationship.

[elegantlion]

I also have a dh who needs it spelled out. We exchange lists. :D Not highly romantic, but effective. I don't want to have to spell it out. I want him to know my hearts desire. I want him to be so in tune to my wants and needs that words are not necessary. Unfortunately that only happens in movies and books.

 

I don't like flowers, they're expensive and they die. A nice dinner is okay, but I'd rather just have him cook and clean for me at home. Perhaps some chicken on the grill.

 

Some years we've had a good budget for gifts, some years it has been "enjoy your pizza", but he's been pretty good about buying from a list.

[Cinder]

Congrats on the 20 years!

 

No...

For me personally, a nice dinner out is all I need. I don't care for jewelry or cards. Heck, even a dinner at my favorite diner would be enough! LOL!

 

:iagree: This is us. We usually just do the dinner out. No cards or gifts. Yep, even for our 20th. So no disappointment here.

 

Cinder

[Lolly]

No, I wouldn't be disappointed. Dh and I don't tend to do gifts to each other. Unless I specifically asked him to get me a gift, I wouldn't be expecting anything. I'm not even sure we went to dinner for our 20th...

[Barry Goldwater]

What is it about guys sometimes.

 

HEY!! :glare:

 

Honestly, we are often pretty clueless! Here's the deal...It took me about 10 years to figure out that it's not the going out/presents/flowers, as much as it's that I THOUGHT OF IT MYSELF, FIGURED IT ALL OUT MYSELF, AND EXECUTED IT MYSELF. But to a man, the movie got watched, the dinner got eaten, what's the dif?

 

One example...DW wants a movie night out...she says, 'say, want to go out next week?' I say sure...week comes & goes, nothing, now I'm in trouble.

 

NOW, I finally figured out, when she says, 'say want to go out next week?' that is my cue to, search the movie listings, talk to dear MIL or dear M about watching the DC's for a couple of hours, checking our sched. and my work sched., then TELLING HER, 'We're going out on xyz night, we're leaving at xyz time, and we can see either x, y, or z...be ready, dear!'

 

Wow, now, I am THE MAN!!!!! :drool:if I do that! I've demonstrated thoughtfulness and take-charged-ness (?), which is what she's craving.

 

So often, the issue is not the issue...style means everything to women.

 

Regarding the OP, I get it :grouphug:...and my DW would be disappointed regarding the 20 year deal, too. I've got 2 years to plan, and I'm going to need them!:tongue_smilie:

 

and congrats to you both!

[cin]

HEY!! :glare:

 

Honestly, we are often pretty clueless! Here's the deal...It took me about 10 years to figure out that it's not the going out/presents/flowers, as much as it's that I THOUGHT OF IT MYSELF, FIGURED IT ALL OUT MYSELF, AND EXECUTED IT MYSELF. But to a man, the movie got watched, the dinner got eaten, what's the dif?

 

One example...DW wants a movie night out...she says, 'say, want to go out next week?' I say sure...week comes & goes, nothing, now I'm in trouble.

 

NOW, I finally figured out, when she says, 'say want to go out next week?' that is my cue to, search the movie listings, talk to dear MIL or dear M about watching the DC's for a couple of hours, checking our sched. and my work sched., then TELLING HER, 'We're going out on xyz night, we're leaving at xyz time, and we can see either x, y, or z...be ready, dear!'

 

Wow, now, I am THE MAN!!!!! :drool:if I do that! I've demonstrated thoughtfulness and take-charged-ness (?), which is what she's craving.

 

So often, the issue is not the issue...style means everything to women.

 

Regarding the OP, I get it :grouphug:...and my DW would be disappointed regarding the 20 year deal, too. I've got 2 years to plan, and I'm going to need them!:tongue_smilie:

 

and congrats to you both!

 

 

DEAD ON!!!!!!!!!!

[StaceyJeannette]

Happy Anniversary! Yesterday was our 15th anniversary, and my DH didn't give me anything either. But since we are on vacation, I wasn't too disappointed. I didn't get him anything either. LOL. Totally understand your disappointment though, been there and done that.

[Remudamom]

Been married 32 years. You have to tell them.

[Teachin'Mine]

I would be, have been, disappointed too.

 

Then again, we all seem to know the husbands who go all out on anniversaries and birthdays and then treat their wives terribly the rest of the year. I keep reminding myself of this when I set up expectations, but I usually feel disappointed anyway. :tongue_smilie:

 

Worser half, maybe you could have a quick chat with our husbands??? :D

[Ellyndria]

HEY!! :glare:

 

Honestly, we are often pretty clueless! Here's the deal...It took me about 10 years to figure out that it's not the going out/presents/flowers, as much as it's that I THOUGHT OF IT MYSELF, FIGURED IT ALL OUT MYSELF, AND EXECUTED IT MYSELF. But to a man, the movie got watched, the dinner got eaten, what's the dif?

 

One example...DW wants a movie night out...she says, 'say, want to go out next week?' I say sure...week comes & goes, nothing, now I'm in trouble.

 

NOW, I finally figured out, when she says, 'say want to go out next week?' that is my cue to, search the movie listings, talk to dear MIL or dear M about watching the DC's for a couple of hours, checking our sched. and my work sched., then TELLING HER, 'We're going out on xyz night, we're leaving at xyz time, and we can see either x, y, or z...be ready, dear!'

 

Wow, now, I am THE MAN!!!!! :drool:if I do that! I've demonstrated thoughtfulness and take-charged-ness (?), which is what she's craving.

 

So often, the issue is not the issue...style means everything to women.

 

Regarding the OP, I get it :grouphug:...and my DW would be disappointed regarding the 20 year deal, too. I've got 2 years to plan, and I'm going to need them!:tongue_smilie:

 

and congrats to you both!

 

 

I love this post. Congrats on figuring it out! :)

[Carol in Cal.]

HEY!! :glare:

 

Honestly, we are often pretty clueless! Here's the deal...It took me about 10 years to figure out that it's not the going out/presents/flowers, as much as it's that I THOUGHT OF IT MYSELF, FIGURED IT ALL OUT MYSELF, AND EXECUTED IT MYSELF. But to a man, the movie got watched, the dinner got eaten, what's the dif?

 

One example...DW wants a movie night out...she says, 'say, want to go out next week?' I say sure...week comes & goes, nothing, now I'm in trouble.

 

NOW, I finally figured out, when she says, 'say want to go out next week?' that is my cue to, search the movie listings, talk to dear MIL or dear M about watching the DC's for a couple of hours, checking our sched. and my work sched., then TELLING HER, 'We're going out on xyz night, we're leaving at xyz time, and we can see either x, y, or z...be ready, dear!'

 

Wow, now, I am THE MAN!!!!! :drool:if I do that! I've demonstrated thoughtfulness and take-charged-ness (?), which is what she's craving.

 

So often, the issue is not the issue...style means everything to women.

 

Regarding the OP, I get it :grouphug:...and my DW would be disappointed regarding the 20 year deal, too. I've got 2 years to plan, and I'm going to need them!:tongue_smilie:

 

and congrats to you both!

 

Bingo, you nailed it. And now, for extra credit, do all that without her having to start you on it. Trust me, you will be glad that you did.

[Unicorn.]

Been married 32 years. You have to tell them.

 

:iagree: Exactly!! No I wouldn't be disappointed, because I didn't tell him I wanted something. If you don't do anything, year after year, WHY would this one be any different? You have to tell them "Hey, it's the 20th, I want something nice". Otherwise, they don't know. :tongue_smilie:

[Mama Geek]

Gals, Gals, Gals, guys aren't wired like we are. A husband's idea of doing something nice for his wife is typically much different than a wife's idea. My dh is not a romantic, but he does lots of things in his own way like changing the oil in the car or changing the breaks if needed before I take a long trip or staying up late with our little one when she can't sleep at night.

 

Guys tend to more like to fix things, or do things for us rather than buy gifts. I can remember sitting in an engineering office with a bunch of guys and having to remind them that mother's day was coming up and that they should get their mothers or wives if they had children a gift.:lol:

 

It wasn't that they didn't love their families, they just in general aren't wired that way.

 

If you want something, say so. Most men aren't good at picking up the subtle hints that we women like to leave.:tongue_smilie:

 

Cut the guys some slack.

[Mrs Mungo]

yes, I would be disappointed..BUT men aren't mind readers...we've been married 18 years and each year I tell him...let's not do anything big...this year we gave each other dinner with the kids and a big hug...the kids made us amazing cards and we called it a day...but I always use that opportunity to say, "Now on the 20th, 25th, 30th, and every 5 year span up from there, we better knock it out of the park!" :) We plan to do a cruise for our 20th...saving now....but my husband would never have had a clue had it not been for my gentle and loud hints all these years! :)

 

Have a talk with him...let him know you were disappointed....see if he'll go with you and pick something out or plan a weekend surprise away and treat him as well! :)

 

Tara

 

I have to agree with this and everyone (including the guys) who said the same.

 

And frankly? Most of us gals are pretty fickle. Sometimes, I am fine with him saying "what do you want for your birthday?" and me saying "oh, you bought me an ipod." :D Other times, I want him to make an effort. So, I actually say, I want you to take me out for our anniversary. I want to go somewhere nice, downtown, somewhere different, I want you to plan it and surprise me. Saying, by the way tulips/roses/wildflowers are my favorites doesn't hurt.

[mirth]

,

[Margo out of lurking]

No, I would not be disappointed at all, dinner out would be just fine. A day or two before our anniversary, we have the following conversation, initiated by either one of us:

 

A: Do you want to do anything for our anniversary?

 

B: Mm, I don't care. Do you?

 

A: No. Did you buy me anything?

 

B: No. Not yet. Do you want me to? Did you buy me a card?

 

A: No.

 

B: So we're agreed on this?

 

A: Yep.

 

It works. For both of us, it really works. :)

[NanceXToo]

First, congrats and happy anniversary!

 

Second, yes, I would be disappointed... but then again I found out a few years back that the best way for me to enjoy an anniversary was to announce to my husband that rather than buying each other gifts (he'd forget or wouldn't know what to get me anyway), that I wanted to start a tradition where we put that money toward a little getaway or vacation instead. It doesn't have to be right ON our anniversary, but in the vicinity of it. And we'd celebrate that way.

 

It's worked out well and I've been happy with the results.

 

This past summer we celebrated our 10th anniversary at a dude ranch lol... with the kids! But it was great because there was a day camp where the kids could go whenever we wanted to just relax by the pool or do something without the kids. The meals were all inclusive. There were great nightly shows. It was fun!

 

I think you should tell your husband that the truth is, you were disappointed by such a landmark anniversary not being celebrated in a more special way and by not receiving any sort of gift and that therefore you are going to treat yourself to (insert whatever here), or that you'd like to plan a getaway (even if it's just a one night thing) or something like that!

[lllll]

..

[BMW]

A friend of mine shared with me her anniversary tradition....

She and her husband told each other that they had brought something beautiful together in their marriage with each other and that for their anniversaries, they would go shopping together and pick out one lovely thing for their home. How neat! And they did just that. Each year they bought some lovely what-not... whether it was a neat planter on the porch... a windchime... a crystal statue that meant something to both of them... they picked it out together and got it to remind each other of the beauty they shared in marriage....

 

Just a thought thrown out there...

 

I think I might adopt it, since I've only had 2 anniversaries so far!

[ElizabethB]

No, my husband could totally forget for the next 20 years and be good, his friends are all envious! :lol::lol:

 

I forgot our 2nd and 5th anniversary.

 

In my defense, it's about a week before Christmas and we're generally traveling somewhere and I'm packing up and getting out Christmas cards and buying Christmas presents, etc.

 

Now, my Mom and MIL and a few friends call to remind me!! (My daughter is now signed up to remind me, too!! :lol:)

 

We used to do cards, now we just say "Happy Anniversary."

[Rosie_0801]

You have to tell them "Hey, it's the 20th, I want something nice". Otherwise, they don't know. :tongue_smilie:

 

Then if they don't, you say "Hey, remember how I told you I wanted something nice? Yeah, well if you ever want to be my friend again, you have some serious sucking up to do! You can start with a foot massage (stick your foot in his lap) but it had better not end there. I'm just going to lie here and enjoy this foot massage to give you time to think about exactly what you are going to do to make me like you again, and you are suppose to initiate the conversation."

 

Dh usually responds with "Huh? Cr@p. What do you want?" Then I growl, "I want you to think of that. You don't get points if I have to organise you. If you need more thinking time you can keep massaging my feet :D"

 

Then he thinks of something and I smile and kiss him as if he'd done it when he was supposed to without all the drama.

 

I'm sure once we've been together another ten years we'll be able to get through all this with less words, but hey, at least we have a system. :lol:

 

Rosie

[KidsHappen]

No...

For me personally, a nice dinner out is all I need. I don't care for jewelry or cards. Heck, even a dinner at my favorite diner would be enough! LOL!

 

This is me. I am so not a presents kind of gal. My hubby likes to give presents though so I try to encourage small gifts. He actually keeps a list of things I mention during the year and surprises me sometimes. I really do appreciate the things he gets because he gets practical things that I would like and I know he likes to do it. We normally don't do anything though but this year will be our 20th so I am thinking it would be nice to go out to dinner just the two of us and then maybe a movie or something.

[Jen+4dc]

For me it's the thought that counts. So if I have to spell it out, then he didn't do the thinking. So yes, I do get disappointed. I wish, after all this time together, he could see that all I wanted was for him to think "how can I make her feel special?". A dinner out is FINE. But I would want him to think of it, plan it, get a sitter, etc. When I have to do all the planning for every birthday, holiday, anniversary, etc, it makes me feel like I have the chance to make everyone else feel special and no one does that for me. Eh, the life of a mom, huh?

This is me exactly.

 

I don't want to have to spell it out. I want him to know my hearts desire. I want him to be so in tune to my wants and needs that words are not necessary. Unfortunately that only happens in movies and books.

 

Sigh. It's true, we don't live in the movies.

 

HEY!! :glare:

 

Honestly, we are often pretty clueless! Here's the deal...It took me about 10 years to figure out that it's not the going out/presents/flowers, as much as it's that I THOUGHT OF IT MYSELF, FIGURED IT ALL OUT MYSELF, AND EXECUTED IT MYSELF. But to a man, the movie got watched, the dinner got eaten, what's the dif?

[...]

Wow, now, I am THE MAN!!!!! :drool:if I do that! I've demonstrated thoughtfulness and take-charged-ness (?), which is what she's craving.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:You should start teaching seminars!!:D

 

Then again' date=' we all seem to know the husbands who go all out on anniversaries and birthdays and then treat their wives terribly the rest of the year. [b']I keep reminding myself of this[/b] when I set up expectations, but I usually feel disappointed anyway. :tongue_smilie:

 

Worser half, maybe you could have a quick chat with our husbands??? :D

:iagree: Great wisdom, thanks!!

 

Congratulations to the OP!! 20 years is a great accomplishment!