How much entitlement do you feel in relation to your adult children?

[jld]

Do you feel your adult children have certain obligations to you, like seeing you on major holidays, or calling you at least once a week? Do you expect them to take you in when you are too old to care for yourself? What exactly are your expectations of your adult, or soon to be adult, children?

 

Conversely, how much of this do you think depends on the relationship you have cultivated with each child?

[Guest Katia]

None. I expect nothing from my adult children. If they call.....I'm ecstatic to talk to them; otherwise I call them. I'm always happy to see them come to my house anytime (holidays or whenever). If they are too busy to call or can't come to visit, I miss them; but they have their own life to live. Why on earth should I feel entitled to anything from them?

 

I just love them. And I keep giving as much of my time as I can to them.

 

I guess I'm just flabbergasted at the question. Are there really people who feel entitled to things/time/money from their adult children? Really?

 

Wow. I can't fathom that.

[TravelingChris]

I do not expect any of my children to take care of me in my old age. My expectations for my children are not to be dependent on me past college. Do I want them to call and visit? Yes, but that will be a joint decision. I don't want to be intrusive in their lives.

[Happy]

Entitlement...that's not a comfortable word choice for me. It smacks of prejudice right off the bat.

 

However, I guess I do have expectations of my grown children. We had the choice to remain childless (fertility issues) and one of the things we talked about was having a grown family in our old age.

 

I expect my children and I to grow into friendships as we get older. Both of my sons are technically adults, but live here at home with us. When the older lived away, we often didn't hear from him but once a month. Ideally, I'd love to hear from my grown kids a little more often...I do want to be involved in their lives...in a good way. ;) But I can be flexible, too.

 

I want to know my grandchildren very well, not just as stiff once a year visitors.

 

Holidays, yes, I expect us to gather a couple of times a year...it doesn't have to be exactly on the holiday. This year our Christmas came early so son and dil could go to her family celebration on Christmas day...but we did all get together and celebrate as a family.

 

I do expect my children to contribute to my care as I age...I especially expect them to help out if my dh or I are alone. It's not that I expect to live with them or expect them to pay my expenses, but I do expect them to be a part of my life. Eventually that means helping make medical, housing, and other decisions.

 

Families work together. That's what I expect.

[Impish]

I expect my children to do the best they can to make a happy, fulfilled life for themselves, seeking success in whatever goals they set, as they consider 'success' to be.

 

Entitlement issues, demands, manipulation...these are things I loathe, so I wouldn't put them on my children.

[rookie]

None. I expect nothing from my adult children. If they call.....I'm ecstatic to talk to them; otherwise I call them. I'm always happy to see them come to my house anytime (holidays or whenever). If they are too busy to call or can't come to visit, I miss them; but they have their own life to live. Why on earth should I feel entitled to anything from them?

 

I just love them. And I keep giving as much of my time as I can to them.

 

I guess I'm just flabbergasted at the question. Are there really people who feel entitled to things/time/money from their adult children? Really?

 

Wow. I can't fathom that.

 

 

If you really cannot fathom that, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!

 

DH and I have spent the last 20 years as the emotional hostages of both sets of parents and have only learned - way late - that we need to free ourselves. We have been emotional/physical slaves to our families. I am now totally emancipated from mine and dh is working on his.

 

We have made an oath to ourselves and each other that we will never place this burden on our children. We will love them, see them when it works out, speak with them when it works out, and expect them to lead their lives and grow their own families in peace.

 

We are taking the necessary steps to take care of ourselves in old age - and hopefully have fun with just each other.;)

[jensway]

I expect my children to do the best they can to make a happy, fulfilled life for themselves, seeking success in whatever goals they set, as they consider 'success' to be.

 

Entitlement issues, demands, manipulation...these are things I loathe, so I wouldn't put them on my children.

:iagree:

[Osmosis Mom]

Wow, this is way different from how I as a Muslim (and Arab?) view my kids. I basically expect them to be extensions of myself and dh, and I do expect to see them as often as possible, to partake in their lifes (and vice versa).

 

My dh who comes from an Arab culture definitely sees his kids as the caretakers of their parents (if need be).

 

Basically then our kids are ours to love and behold for all eternity and we try to raise them with that knowledge. It is nothing negative and not to be confused with not letting them life their lives. It is about us being in their lives and them having that knowledge that as a family we are meant to be together and have first loyalties towards eachother, with parents and elders having a special status.

 

So, entitlement? Respect and inclusion.... And yes, raising your kids like that in a Western society is different and challenging, but it is beautiful to see adults have close, intimate relationships with their adult children.

[Jennifer in MI]

I am SOOO grateful that my parents didn't expect anything from me once I went away to college. I don't think I realized how grateful I was until I started reading this thread. My mom and dad knew that we were busy and had obligations of our own once we left home. I married a priest and couldn't be home at Christmas! So, they came to me.

 

I hope to be that easy-going with my own kids. I will desperately want them home and I"ll miss them if they can't be. But, I know that that can't always be the case.

[OnTheBrink]

My adult son is not married, so I do expect him on major holidays, even if it's for a short time. He claims he'll take care of me in my old age. LOL

[Daisy]

If I'm honest, I will say that I expect my children to show respect. I do feel they are obligated to show respect unless trust has been horribly broken. Respect that says, "Mom, while I don't agree with you, I still love and respect you," just as I would say the same thing to them. That is more along the lines of expecting that I've raised decent human beings though.

 

Beyond that, I have an earnest desire that we will have the type of relationship with our children that they will WANT to occasionally be around us, if it is at all possible (from either end).

 

I do not expect or oblige them to come for holidays, call 3x a week, meet me for Sunday dinner, change my diapers, provide for me financially, etc.

 

Although to clarify I fully feel obligated and expected to provide for my parents (and am currently financially doing so). It is very much part of their culture that children would do that. I just hope my kids would want to be involved rather than feeling obligated to do so.

Edited January 5, 2010 by Daisy

[Guest Katia]

them having that knowledge that as a family we are meant to be together and have first loyalties towards each other, with parents and elders having a special status.

but it is beautiful to see adults have close, intimate relationships with their adult children.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this, but it has nothing to do with feeling "entitled" to it.

 

I'm very close to my adult children. We love to be together, they respect their grandfather and we talk and visit as often as we can.

 

BUT, I don't expect them to do this. They do it because we love each other; not because I or dh feel entitled to it.

 

Currently, my elderly father is living with us. He moved in this summer. He didn't feel entitled to care from us, his adult children, but we offered it unreservedly because we love him.

[jenL]

 

I guess I'm just flabbergasted at the question. Are there really people who feel entitled to things/time/money from their adult children? Really?

 

Wow. I can't fathom that.

 

I love how the OP posted this question because I come from a family where there are such high expectations, and we are made to feel guilty if we don't call our mom often enough (to her standards) or if we don't include her in certain events. I finally had to move away (and so did my middle sister) because we couldn't take the suffocation & guilt any more. I can't tell you how many times I'd have to defend myself for not inviting my mom, and her response was, "But, I'm your mother; you should want to include me in everything especially because of the grandkids." Ummm... no... It's a mentality that has been passed down for years from mother to mother. I have vowed to not do that to my boys, and I've actually started counseling this past year because I found myself repeating some of the destructive patterns, and my boys are still young! I just cannot make them feel the way I've felt. It's not fair to them or their spouses when they reach adulthood.

 

Since moving away (4 years ago), my mother has begun to learn that we do/can/will function without her, and she is not entitled. I do worry about her expectations as she gets older though because she has a lot of debt and has such poor spending habits. I don't want to absorb that - we can't absorb that, and neither can my 2 sisters. But the fear is still there.

 

As someone else mentioned though, I hope that I can raise my kids in such a way that they'd want to keep in touch with us, but not feel obligated to do so because I've made them feel that way.

Edited January 5, 2010 by jenL

[HRAAB]

I guess I do 'expect' to hear from my adult children often and see them on holidays. Not because I'm entitled to it or that it's an expectation; just because that's what they do. If they're in town, they are all here for holidays because this is till their home. My 2nd oldest is right now traveling around the country, but I still hear from her every few days. My oldest is waiting for me to go grocery shopping with her. She got a gift card and wants my help to use it wisely. When we're older and if we need help, I expect they will give it to us. Again, not that we are entitled, but because that's how our families do things. This is the way it was in my family and the way it is with my in-laws.

 

If, for some unforeseeable reason, one of them chooses not to, that will be their choice. They choose to be with us, keep in touch and help out, I believe, because they love us. However, I would never lord it over them or make them feel guilty.

 

I honestly can't imagine it any other way with my family.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I expect my adult single children to leave the nest and have lives of their own.

 

I expect my adult married children to "leave and cleave" (ie. leave us as parents and cleave to each other as a new family).

 

I hope that we will continue to be friends and will have a loving relationship. I hope that they will call me for a listening ear or perhaps for advice if they need it. I hope that they will come and visit me or will invite me to visit them. Just as I try to nurture our relationship now so that they will freely share with me, I will continue to nurture our new relationship so that it will be healthy and enjoyable for all of us.

[Laurie4b]

Do you feel your adult children have certain obligations to you, like seeing you on major holidays, or calling you at least once a week? Do you expect them to take you in when you are too old to care for yourself? What exactly are your expectations of your adult, or soon to be adult, children?

 

Conversely, how much of this do you think depends on the relationship you have cultivated with each child?

 

Our Christian Scripture makes the expectation of caring for parents explicit:

 

I Tim 5:4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.

 

So, yes, because it's an expectation that I believe God has expressed, I would expect to care for my parents and would expect our children to care for either one of us if were we not able to care for ourselves.

 

My hope is that our kids will want to continue the close relationships we have now once they are adults--but on a peer level. We split time evenly between my family and dh's and I would hope that our kids do the same. However, I don't expect to be treated like the queen or anything, or to have my desires take center stage. I would expect that I will orient my desires around their families' needs and be flexible.

Edited January 5, 2010 by Laurie4b

[Happy]

I've been pondering this as I fixed supper tonight....

 

aside from what I think about our adult children should or should not do, I have lived this from the kid perspective.

 

My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was only 23. I was married and both my husband and I did every thing we could to help my dad and mom. Sometimes that meant driving two hours to help around their house or sometimes it meant I went to the hospital in Houston for a couple of weeks and gave platelets every three days. We put off having trying to get pregnant so I could continue to give blood. My folks didn't ask for that, we just did what we thought best.

 

Twelve years later when my Mom was dying, I ran her home business as well as my own (and dealt with a 10 year old and a 4 year old.) I lived six hours away by then. My younger brother refused to help at all.

 

At all.

 

Surely that's not what you mean when you say you want your children to have independent lives...is it? To completely deny when help is needed?

 

A friend of mine has a dysfunctional family background, but efforts were being made to heal the rift between father and son. When his dad had hip replacement surgery, my friend didn't change his plans at all. He went out of town on a ministry trip (he's a preacher) and left his bedridden dad without care. My friend's wife and children went with him. Fortunately for the dad, our church family stepped in. I was so heartbroken for my friend...instead of offering the love and compassion of Christ to his dad, he abandoned him. I thought him made of stronger stuff. I realize dysfunction adds to this mix, but as a Christian I 'expected' this man to have a different mind set.

 

I want my children to like me and enjoy being together as a family...just as my husband's brothers, sils, cousins, and others love to get together as a family. Even though his mom is a challenging person, she will always have our respect, care, and concern. She raised my husband. *I* appreciate that.

 

Just some random musing on a full tummy and from a dirty kitchen.....

[LibraryLover]

My only hope is that they will find my company interesting and will want to visit me. lol I also plan to have a place in the sun with a pool, and hope the stock market doesn't totally tank so that I might someday have money to woo them on Disney Cruises or trips to Paris.

 

Really, my fingers are crossed. How much fun is an old lady who keeps talking about how cute you were when you were a baby?

 

Of course, our own children did witness their fathers' devotion as their grandfather slowly died from complications of Parkinson's. They know their father changed grandfather's diapers. They know our extended family's' care meant everything to their grandparents. My Inlaws are just about the most loving and supportive grandparents you would ever want to meet, however. I am not sure I am half the person my MIL is or my FIL was.

Edited January 5, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Caribbean Queen]

Wow, this is way different from how I as a Muslim (and Arab?) view my kids. I basically expect them to be extensions of myself and dh, and I do expect to see them as often as possible, to partake in their lifes (and vice versa).

 

My dh who comes from an Arab culture definitely sees his kids as the caretakers of their parents (if need be)..

 

 

I agree that this is a cultural thing. My husband is from an island in the Caribbean and 10 years ago he was surprised to learn there were such things as nursing homes. Where he is from children take care of their aging parents.

[Meriwether]

My grandpop always said that the time you have for your children when they are younger is the time they will have for you when they are older. My parents spent a lot time with us kids; we knew we were important to them. My husband's parents, not so much. We spend 10x as much time at my parents' home. My goal is to develop a good relationship with the kids. When they, especially the boys, are grown, I want them to be independent enough that they don't need us, but I hope we'll see them regularly. I don't ever want to pressure them to visit. I want them to come out of love not duty.

[Garga]

This is a tough question. I think that it is very difficult to answer online, since we don't know the back-stories of everyone answering, and the relationships between parents and children.

 

I don't feel "entitled," but I secretly hope they don't write me off completely when they're grown. And I guess (now that you've made me think about it) I do expect that if I'm old and helpless, they'll somehow care for me. I can't imagine that if I were dying of cancer, I'd be sitting in a bed all alone without anyone checking on me every now and then.

 

But I don't expect (like the Korean person's post) that they'll come clean my house and give me money. I just expect that if I totally can't help myself, they'll step in and help. Like if I was in a walker or wheelchair, I'd hope they'd mow my lawn, or at least help me contact a local kid to mow it for me. Stuff like that.

Edited January 5, 2010 by Garga

[Jean in Newcastle]

I guess I'm stuck on the "entitlement" word. I would not feel entitled to anything from anyone - including my adult kids. I do feel a responsibility and a desire to visit and care for my parents and my ILs. But if they felt entitled to my doing so, and demanded it, then I would find myself drawing away from them.

[Osmosis Mom]

This is a tough question. I think that it is very difficult to answer online, since we don't know the back-stories of everyone answering, and the relationships between parents and children.

 

I don't feel "entitled," but I secretly hope they don't write me off completely when they're grown. And I guess (now that you've made me think about it) I do expect that if I'm old and helpless, they'll somehow care for me. I can't imagine that if I were dying of cancer, I'd be sitting in a bed all alone without anyone checking on me every now and then.

 

But I don't expect (like the Korean person's post) that they'll come clean my house and give me money. I just expect that if I totally can't help myself, they'll step in and help. Like if I was in a walker or wheelchair, I'd hope they'd mow my lawn, or at least help me contact a local kid to mow it for me. Stuff like that.

 

And this is where our expectations differ. My MIL lives across the ocean and is now really elderly, having actually in-home care (paid for by all her children). Only one dd lives close by and she stops over daily (literally). One dd comes for yearly visits and my dh basically never due to finances. If MIL requested it, then we'd have to uproot and relocate, something a friend actually did with his family when his mother requested that (they moved back from Japan). To us, apart from culture, then it is also part of our faith to have parents who are happy with us (in whichever shape that might be).

[Kari C in SC]

Funny I should just read this now. I was just laying next to my 5 year old ds as he drifted to sleep. I was wondering if he would call me as much as his 20 year old brother does - when he is grown up. The truth is that I don't know. Every kid is different. I talk to my mom every single day. I see her about every other day. She is my best friend. She has helped me raise our kids. I love and respect her more than just about anyone else on the planet. My oldest is 20 and living in Alaska. Before that he was in Iraq. He calls me about every day. Sometimes every other day. When he was in Iraq, he im'd with me just about every morning. Did I expect that? No. Do I expect him to call me every day? No. Am I so incredibly pleased that he does? Absolutely. I do not know what the future holds for my kids. I just hope that they know above and beyond anything else about me that I did the best I could and I loved them more than anything. They were and are my life. I hope they always find a place for me in theirs.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't think answering before you have grown children is really reasonable. Sort of like all of ideas you had of parenting before you had children. Things don't always work out in an ideal manner and there are often reasons for people's behavior.

[Heather in WI]

I don't like the word "entitlement". I think it prejudices the argument from the get go. I expect that I will take care of my mom & dad as well as my m-i-l and my f-i-l in their later years. I love them. They are my family. I believe it the least we could do for them and I believe it is a duty we owe to them. I would expect my children to do the same for us.

 

I do expect to see them as often as possible, to partake in their lives (and vice versa).

 

It is nothing negative and not to be confused with not letting them life their lives. It is about us being in their lives and them having that knowledge that as a family we are meant to be together and have first loyalties towards each other, with parents and elders having a special status.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Our Christian Scripture makes the expectation of caring for parents explicit:

 

I Tim 5:4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.

 

So, yes, because it's an expectation that I believe God has expressed, I would expect to care for my parents and would expect our children to care for either one of us if were we not able to care for ourselves.

 

My hope is that our kids will want to continue the close relationships we have now once they are adults--but on a peer level. We split time evenly between my family and dh's and I would hope that our kids do the same. However, I don't expect to be treated like the queen or anything, or to have my desires take center stage. I would expect that I will orient my desires around their families' needs and be flexible.

 

:iagree:

[HRAAB]

And this is where our expectations differ. My MIL lives across the ocean and is now really elderly, having actually in-home care (paid for by all her children). Only one dd lives close by and she stops over daily (literally). One dd comes for yearly visits and my dh basically never due to finances. If MIL requested it, then we'd have to uproot and relocate, something a friend actually did with his family when his mother requested that (they moved back from Japan). To us, apart from culture, then it is also part of our faith to have parents who are happy with us (in whichever shape that might be).

 

I talked to my mom daily and saw her several times a week. After my mom passed away, I dropped in on my dad almost daily (unless kids were sick or we were out of town). When he got ill, he moved in with us. I cared for him until he passed away. It was a privilege. I was fortunate that I lived in the same town so I could give them the extra time. If we had lived elsewhere, and my dh would have been willing to relocate or if I were single, I would have moved back home to care for them. There were many times I helped my dad clean his house or my dh helped him with his yard work. It never was a burden; it was just simply the right thing for me to do. My in-laws are still living (91 and 87 years old), and it is the same with them. We check on them and help out except my dh has several siblings in town whereas I only had one. If any of them ever needed financial help, we would step up and do what we could as would my dh's siblings.

[kalanamak]

I guess I'm just flabbergasted at the question. Are there really people who feel entitled to things/time/money from their adult children? Really?

 

 

Entitled is the wrong word. I would hope my son ends up feeling the way I did about my parents: when they got frail and needed help, I thought nothing of spending my 2 weeks vacation helping around the house and getting them to appointments. If I were the type to do differently, I wouldn't be the "me" that I know and respect. If he doesn't feel that way, I will feel very sorry for him, and I will feel I have failed as a mother.

[Rosy]

I don't think answering before you have grown children is really reasonable. Sort of like all of ideas you had of parenting before you had children. Things don't always work out in an ideal manner and there are often reasons for people's behavior.

 

:iagree:

 

I hope to have earned their respect, love and trust and be the kind of mom/MIL that they will want to share their lives with. But that's on me at this point.

 

I hope to be able to extend to them compassion, wisdom, assistance, etc. But again, a lot of that depends on how I raise them and treat them now, I think. And who they marry. We have one side of the family that treats us like adults and one that does not. Guess who we're more likely to open up to? We have one side that loves watching the kids and one who does it grudgingly. Guess who we ask first? I just think I'll get a lot further with a kind and respectful relationship with my DC than with a sense of entitlement and obligation.

[jld]

By entitlement, I mean are there things that you feel you have/will have the final say on, regardless of your children's feelings, for the rest of your life? For example, if you decide you want Christmas at your house the rest of your life, do you feel your children owe it to you to be there, regardless of their own opinions on the matter? Do you feel your children's vacation time, in Kalanamak's example, belongs to you if you are ill? If you disagree with your child's choice of spouse, should you have the final say? Does it matter what your children think at all, if you disagree with them? Should the power be shared, so to speak, or should it stay with you until you die?

 

I have learned a lot from these posts, and am really glad to see that so many people come from warm, loving families where they feel strong bonds of loyalty and caring, and do not sense entitlement from the older generation. If anything, many people have a great love for their parents and from that love springs forth the desire to spend time with them. These posters do not seem to behave towards their parents from a sense of duty, but from genuine affection. Very heartening.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me -- I've learned a lot.

[KidsHappen]

I don't feel entitled to anything nor do I expect anything from them but I will be grateful for whatever love, kindness and help they provide.

[Jean in Newcastle]

By entitlement, I mean are there things that you feel you have/will have the final say on, regardless of your children's feelings, for the rest of your life? For example, if you decide you want Christmas at your house the rest of your life, do you feel your children owe it to you to be there, regardless of their own opinions on the matter? Do you feel your children's vacation time, in Kalanamak's example, belongs to you if you are ill? If you disagree with your child's choice of spouse, should you have the final say? Does it matter what your children think at all, if you disagree with them? Should the power be shared, so to speak, or should it stay with you until you die?

 

I have learned a lot from these posts, and am really glad to see that so many people come from warm, loving families where they feel strong bonds of loyalty and caring, and do not sense entitlement from the older generation. If anything, many people have a great love for their parents and from that love springs forth the desire to spend time with them. These posters do not seem to behave towards their parents from a sense of duty, but from genuine affection. Very heartening.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me -- I've learned a lot.

 

I absolutely do not believe that I have any uninvited say in my adult children's lives. Of course if they ask my opinion, I will most likely give it. But even then I think I would tread lightly - just as I do when asked my opinion by friends. I am honest but I know that they will be making the final decision on whether they accept my advice and I don't want to shove it down their throats.

 

Re. holidays etc. Other than my husband, I don't feel like anyone has to spend them with me. I would (probably) enjoy spending it with them but I wouldn't be crying in my beer if we spent them by ourselves or with our friends either. I don't define my familial relationships now by whether we spend them together and I doubt I will start once my kids are older.

[helena]

I basically expect them to be extensions of myself and dh, and I do expect to see them as often as possible, to partake in their lifes (and vice versa).

 

Basically then our kids are ours to love and behold for all eternity and we try to raise them with that knowledge. It is nothing negative and not to be confused with not letting them life their lives. It is about us being in their lives and them having that knowledge that as a family we are meant to be together and have first loyalties towards eachother, with parents and elders having a special status.

 

So, entitlement? Respect and inclusion.... And yes, raising your kids like that in a Western society is different and challenging, but it is beautiful to see adults have close, intimate relationships with their adult children.

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

By entitlement, I mean are there things that you feel you have/will have the final say on, regardless of your children's feelings, for the rest of your life?

 

Do you feel your children's vacation time, in Kalanamak's example, belongs to you if you are ill?

 

Not that I was asked, nor would I ask, but just that if a grown child who has been well-treated does not feel that 90 year old parents who pulled their load cheerfully, generously are not a PLEASURE to serve when they are unable, I would feel sorry for that child as one with a stunted ability to feel and give love.

[Laura Corin]

None. I expect nothing from my adult children. If they call.....I'm ecstatic to talk to them; otherwise I call them. I'm always happy to see them come to my house anytime (holidays or whenever). If they are too busy to call or can't come to visit, I miss them; but they have their own life to live. Why on earth should I feel entitled to anything from them?

 

I just love them. And I keep giving as much of my time as I can to them.

 

 

It's their business how much contact they want with me. I'll call them regularly and would love to see them a lot, but it's their life.

 

Laura

[Peela]

I have a 21year old stepdd. We don't expect anything in the way of calls, visits etc. It just happens when it happens. She adores her dad but they conflict a lot too, so sometimes it's good when she takes some space from regular contact.

My parents, in particular my mother, believed that she had done a good job of parenting if her kids felt free and independent enough to move away from her and follow their passions, rather than stay close to home to be close to parents. Well, my brother and I both live a fair way away from her- especially me. My parents werent "clingy" to say teh least, and I am far more expressive and emotional as a mum. But I still dont feel I will "expect" anything much.

[Danestress]

It's not so much that I feel "entitled" to something, as that I think it is the normal state of affairs for people to love their parents and to want to be in a relationship with them. I also think it's normal for young people to be busy raising their own children, working, and not necessarily being able (or to desire to) live near their parents. Nevertheless, if my son didn't miss us, didn't call at all, didn't come when someone was ill or rejoicing in a marriage or birth, I would be very sad indeed. It happens. I know it happens. A lot of women here seem to really be happy with very little contact with their MILs, but it seems like an aberration to me, an unhappy state of affairs, and not the way God intended it.

 

My son is almost 22. He lives a couple of hours away in college. I don't feel "entitled" to him moving back to town when he graduates, though I hope he will. I don't know. I can't imagine having no real relationship with him, but I think a lot of it depends on whether he marries a woman who has a sense of respect and honor for the status of parents.

[Danestress]

But I wonder if anyone would say, "Yes, I think I have final stay in these things with adult children."

 

I think more likely, it's that many people feel entitled to express their preferences and desires, and that their children feel threatened by that or offended by hearing things stated in a demanding way. So if my Mom were to say to me, "Don't marry this man, he just seems so wrong. I don't like him at all, and I don't think he will be a good husband," I might interpret that as her thinking she has some say in who I marry. But she may well say that she doesn't think that, but that she does feel entitled to express her opinions about things like who I marry or whether I should visit.

 

Likewise, if my mother calls to say, "When are you coming for Christmas. You are coming for Christmas, aren't you? Everyone is coming, and we always do Christmas here, so of course you have to come" I can interpret that as her feeling she has a "say" in where I spend Christmas. But actually, she probably understand that she has no say at all, but that she has the motherly privilege of begging.

 

My mother would do neither of these things, though.

[stripe]

I don't have adult children, but I am one.

 

I greatly enjoy my relationship with my older relatives especially my parents and grandmothers, and my in-laws, and I do think I have a duty to take care of them. I find neglect/abandonment of one's parents/grandparents to be really awful, just as I find neglect/abandonment of children to be awful. We all need love and care, and it doesn't reflect well on someone to neglect one's mother in particular.

 

I feel obligated to help my adult children with their lives (e.g. I would willingly take care of their children any time). I would be deeply offended if I was judged "unworthy" of being spoken to. (I am referring to unabusive parents, not child molesters or the like.) That is just bizarre. I also think parents should do their part to be easy to get along with. So I would try to not be a difficult mother.

[Caribbean Queen]

I don't think answering before you have grown children is really reasonable. Sort of like all of ideas you had of parenting before you had children. Things don't always work out in an ideal manner and there are often reasons for people's behavior.

 

If you live in a culture that says you are not obligated to your parents, and you raise your children to believe this, then I suppose the above statement is true. I expect my children to be responsible adults, and that includes taking care of me in my old age. I don't consider that manipulative or unfairly burdening. That is the common thing for people where I live.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I expect them to provide me with grandchildren. :D

 

I'm pretty sure my partner would say that all he expects is the chance to fix things if the kids decide they can't stand us. If that failed, we'd feel entitled to know where they are and how to get in touch in case of emergency. But nothing so disastrous as that is even hinting at threatening to happen. We're happy that the grown one and his wife enjoy our company and want to hang out with us.

 

I would be disturbed if they cut off their younger siblings. I feel my kids have more responsibility to each other than to us.

 

As for old age... I don't want them to take care of me.

Edited January 5, 2010 by dragons in the flower bed

[Laurie4b]

By entitlement, I mean are there things that you feel you have/will have the final say on, regardless of your children's feelings, for the rest of your life? For example, if you decide you want Christmas at your house the rest of your life, do you feel your children owe it to you to be there, regardless of their own opinions on the matter? Do you feel your children's vacation time, in Kalanamak's example, belongs to you if you are ill? If you disagree with your child's choice of spouse, should you have the final say? Does it matter what your children think at all, if you disagree with them? Should the power be shared, so to speak, or should it stay with you until you die?

 

I have learned a lot from these posts, and am really glad to see that so many people come from warm, loving families where they feel strong bonds of loyalty and caring, and do not sense entitlement from the older generation. If anything, many people have a great love for their parents and from that love springs forth the desire to spend time with them. These posters do not seem to behave towards their parents from a sense of duty, but from genuine affection. Very heartening.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me -- I've learned a lot.

 

No. I don't feel entitled to have the final say in our children's future decisions. With regard to holidays, etc. my hope would be that my feelings would be taken into account and be part of the "mix" as to what was decided, but my feelings would only be input, not demand. I'm not sure whether I would offer them or not if not asked (depends on the relationships). With regard to choosing a spouse, I believe that parents often have a level of discernment that their kids would be very wise to heed; however, that must be asked for and can't be imposed. We have had some difficult marriages in our extended family and we use those to discuss wisdom issues of choosing mates, including that of talking with parents to seek their input on whether it seems like a fitting match. Our hope is that they will ask when the time comes and that they will seek our blessing on the marriage. That's very different from having a final say, though.

 

There is a small group of homeschoolers who are into patriarchy in a really big way who do believe that the father has what amounts to a lifelong say in the lives of his grown children. Have you encountered this or are your questions coming from another direction?

[Renee in NC]

If you live in a culture that says you are not obligated to your parents, and you raise your children to believe this, then I suppose the above statement is true. I expect my children to be responsible adults, and that includes taking care of me in my old age. I don't consider that manipulative or unfairly burdening. That is the common thing for people where I live.

 

I don't know about common where I live, but I expect that I will do for my parents and my dc will do for me. It is right! If that makes me "entitled" then so be it.

 

As for less important things, like visits at Christmas - I have no expectations. My father had a very rough Christmas because my brother didn't do what my Dad thought he should do regarding "putting his foot down" and making his wife stay at my Dad's house. I hope never to feel that way.

[Chris in VA]

The Christian scripture sited is for widows, not for married couples who are parents of adults, so I guess I'm thinking it doesn't apply as long as my husband is still around. The principle of staying emotionally close enough to provide help does seem to apply, tho.

 

My brother has basically refused ties to me, so I'm not sure where he is with my parents (they visit, but rarely). My sil (widow of my other brother) is somewhat close to my parents, but finds them exasperating. I think I'll be the one to take care of them when they start failing--probably my brother and sil will give us some $ to help.

 

I want my own kids to leave and cleave, as Jean in Newcastle said. We've done a lot of thinking about this recently, as Christmas time approached--we hear so many stories of families running around trying to visit everyone and keep their parents happy. I believe in husband and wife developing their own Christmas traditions, and not always feeling obligated to go back to Mom's--so Mom needs to let go of adult kids.

 

I expect my kids to help me in my old age, to visit (but not feel obligated), and to maintain a relationship with me (send gifts/cards, call once in a while, generally CARE). I expect to allow them to make their own decisions about raising kids, how many to have, where to live, what job to take, what to believe, who to associate with--that sort of stuff. I don't expect them to agree with me or placate me.

[laughing lioness]

I have a lot of hopes, but few expectations. Holidays- our older kids tell us their plans, give us the dates they'll be available and we are thankful for the time. just like they are. They are involved in many things, just like we are.

My biggest hope would be that if anything happened to both dh and I that they would take our notsolittles and finish raising them. We only have one family member that we'd consider having them go with besides our own kids and none of us see that it would really be in their best interest. I've talked with our 23 and 19 yo's about what it would mean to take them and they are committed to doing that. Our oldest in a very serious relationship right now and is even going to bring it up to him.

When my mom died, my family of origin fell apart, so I really hope that that is not the case with our family. I hope the kids are life-long friends and can count on each other for support in whatever ways they need it.

I hope my kids aren't supporting us in our old age, but if we needed it, I would hope that we'd have the kind of relationship that it would be o.k, just like if they have basic needs as they get older, that we can fulfill in healthy ways, we would obviously do so.

[Laurie4b]

The Christian scripture sited is for widows, not for married couples who are parents of adults, so I guess I'm thinking it doesn't apply as long as my husband is still around. The principle of staying emotionally close enough to provide help does seem to apply, tho.

 

My brother has basically refused ties to me, so I'm not sure where he is with my parents (they visit, but rarely). My sil (widow of my other brother) is somewhat close to my parents, but finds them exasperating. I think I'll be the one to take care of them when they start failing--probably my brother and sil will give us some $ to help.

 

I want my own kids to leave and cleave, as Jean in Newcastle said. We've done a lot of thinking about this recently, as Christmas time approached--we hear so many stories of families running around trying to visit everyone and keep their parents happy. I believe in husband and wife developing their own Christmas traditions, and not always feeling obligated to go back to Mom's--so Mom needs to let go of adult kids.

 

I expect my kids to help me in my old age, to visit (but not feel obligated), and to maintain a relationship with me (send gifts/cards, call once in a while, generally CARE). I expect to allow them to make their own decisions about raising kids, how many to have, where to live, what job to take, what to believe, who to associate with--that sort of stuff. I don't expect them to agree with me or placate me.

 

The Scripture cited initially is talking about widows and which ones to add to the church roles, but the second part is more general and contains the principle for care of parents and grandparents . I don't think that the first part of the discussion on widows negates the Scriptural obligation to care for a father in need or both parents if they are both alive and in need.

[AnitaMcC]

Do you feel your adult children have certain obligations to you, like seeing you on major holidays, or calling you at least once a week? Do you expect them to take you in when you are too old to care for yourself? What exactly are your expectations of your adult, or soon to be adult, children?

 

Conversely, how much of this do you think depends on the relationship you have cultivated with each child?

 

 

I do expect (not feel entitled though) them to call every week or two or dh/I will call them. I expect them to spend some time with us holidays/birthdays/just to visit when feasable. As for in our old age... yes we expect our kids to help us.

 

But that is the way it is. We are family. Dh and I didn't have kids so our kids can be strangers to us. We have kids because we wanted them and wanted a family. We take care of each other as we are family. Obviously how much adult kids can help out aging parents will depend on what they can do. They do what they can...

 

And hopefully the adult kids will just want to do these things as part of being a family and hopefully a positive relationship with us.

 

But it is not entitlement... we as parents have to raise our kids to have a positive relationship. I would not demand, or impose guilt on my kids to do these things... that would mean I have failed in raising them to respect, honor, love.

Edited January 5, 2010 by AnitaMcC

[AnitaMcC]

By entitlement, I mean are there things that you feel you have/will have the final say on, regardless of your children's feelings, for the rest of your life? For example, if you decide you want Christmas at your house the rest of your life, do you feel your children owe it to you to be there, regardless of their own opinions on the matter? Do you feel your children's vacation time, in Kalanamak's example, belongs to you if you are ill? If you disagree with your child's choice of spouse, should you have the final say? Does it matter what your children think at all, if you disagree with them? Should the power be shared, so to speak, or should it stay with you until you die?

 

 

No, I do not feel that I am "entitled" to the situations you mention here. I only feel entitled to be be respected, honored, loved by my children and that is only if I raised them with respect, honor, love. I guess it means I have to earn their respect, honor, love. Dh and I were raised that parents care for their children and children care for their parents. It is a circle of relationship.

 

I would expect that my kids live their own life and no way would I impose on them living. I would never demand or expect my kids to live their lives around me... just include me as I hope they would want to do.

 

And I was raised in a dysfunctional family :001_huh: but we always were taught to help/care for each other. My dad took in his mom in her old age even after he hadn't seen/spoke with her in 20 years. But when he found out how deplorable her living situation became... he drove a moving truck from FL to IN and helped pack her up and took her back home with him in FL. About 5 years later, she got sick from pancreatic cancer.. she died with him right there with him taking care of all her needs (to the best of his ability, and when he couldn't do all of her medical care, he had help) for the 6 months. She was the one who estranged from him all those years.

 

12 yrs ago Dh and I took in my niece/nephews when my sister had to go in a nursing home. A year ago my mom moved in with us. It is something we just will do as we are family. It is what God expects us to do so why shouldn't I have the same expectation of my kids?

 

Dh's family is devout Italian/Scottish Catholic. Taking care of family is how it is. His Dad's parents have lived with his Dad and family for 40+ years now (Dh's grandparents are in their 90's). They couldn't afford to live on their own so FIL brought them home and after his parents retired they stayed, when their health went down hill, dh's parents take care of them to the best of their ability.

[Night Elf]

Absolutely no expectations at all. I feel no obligation toward my own mother and I would not expect anything different from my own children. My MIL is very hands off and I love her dearly for it. I really hate when my mom butts in to tell me how to parent my children or tell me what I should do in certain situations. I do not value her opinion in the slightest because she is so very different from me. I'm already the black sheep for breaking away from that co-dependency in my family, and yet I'm the happiest person of them all. And they dislike me for it. It's because of her meddling that I do not like nor respect her. I don't want my children to feel that way about me.

[Liz CA]

I expect my adult single children to leave the nest and have lives of their own.

 

I expect my adult married children to "leave and cleave" (ie. leave us as parents and cleave to each other as a new family).

 

 

 

Exactly. During the early years of our marriage my MIL was rather manipulative about having to come and see them on the holidays. I vowed this would never happen with my children. And as far as the "cleave" part goes once our ds is married, I sincerely hope he will put his (future) wife before his parents or else he didn't get what we were trying to teach.