My bf's daughter just died...

[TKDmom]

How do I handle this? I have no idea how to approach her, or what she needs. Her dd was 4yo and died overnight from complications of pneumonia. All our kids are close in age. I'm also the Relief Society president (the women's leader) at church. That means I'm in charge of handling preparations for things like funerals and comforting families.

 

But I'm too close to this. I have no idea how to proceed, other than bringing her dinner. I'm sure there are people here who have gone through this. What does she need?

 

ETA: My phone is ringing off the hook. Apparently, bf's dd is still on life support. But no brain activity. They think it may be spinal meningitis. I think they will make the decision on whether to take her off life support this afternoon...

Edited December 2, 2009 by bonniebeth4

[Soph the vet]

"Weep with those who weep". If she is your bf she needs you to just mourn with her and to gently remind her that not one sparrow falls to the ground out of God's control. I would bring her food, sit in her living room and listen to her. Ask where you can help. Find out who is handling all the arrangements, see if they need help but other than that just be at your friends disposal for awhile.

:grouphug: to you and her.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss and the loss this family is experiencing. It is the worst thing in the world. There is nothing anyone can say to help at this moment.

 

Some friends of mine lost their 3 year old boy this summer, and I was completely devastated. Be prepared for this to consume your every waking thought for a long while.

 

I did seek advice from some other friends of mine who had lost their 4 month old daughter about 13 years ago. They told me to not be afraid to talk to the parents about the child. People think that mentioning the child's name will be too painful, so they try to avoid it. This is not easier on the parents because they feel horribly that no one wants to talk about their child.

 

I'm crying for you. Please seek out help from other members of your church to plan the support system.

 

Lynne

[Friederike in Persia]

:grouphug:

 

My dh's first wife died and looking back he says that it didn't matter so much what people said, but it was just good for them to be there. Wheep with those who wheep sounds like very good advice, since you'll be doing lots of wheeping anyway.

[lgm]

My son's best friend unexpectedly passed recently..I was so in shock I needed to just sit down and have several hours for myself and my son before I could move on and do the other things that needed to be done. If your V-P could take over on this one, it would be helpful.:grouphug:

[Garga]

I agree with the others. Just be there.

 

Especially a couple of weeks/months from now when no one else is there.

[TKDmom]

If your V-P could take over on this one, it would be helpful.:grouphug:

 

Oh, thanks for reminding me. I do have 2 other women that are part of the Relief Society presidency. I always forget that I can call on them when something is too stressful for me. I also have another woman who is the compassionate service leader and handles a lot of details on things like this for me--she's actually the one who first called me and has now gone over there to take bf's older boys while bf is at the hospital.

[JudoMom]

How do I handle this? I have no idea how to approach her, or what she needs. Her dd was 4yo and died overnight from complications of pneumonia. All our kids are close in age. I'm also the Relief Society president (the women's leader) at church. That means I'm in charge of handling preparations for things like funerals and comforting families.

 

But I'm too close to this. I have no idea how to proceed, other than bringing her dinner. I'm sure there are people here who have gone through this. What does she need?

 

ETA: My phone is ringing off the hook. Apparently, bf's dd is still on life support. But no brain activity. They think it may be spinal meningitis. I think they will make the decision on whether to take her off life support this afternoon...

 

I am so sorry. A friend's 9 month old son died on November 8th from complications of pnemonia and bacterial menengitis among other things. He, too, was brain dead and they had to remove life support.

 

Here is an email that a precious and wise lady in my church sent to the women. Her son died a few years ago at the age of 17. I thought it was very helpful, and I hope it helps you as well.

 

"Wise Solomon said there is a time for every event under heaven. Only, when it is death, we are never quite prepared---even when we may think we are prepared. The grief of death is that expression of longing---love continued, relationship in tact, or relationship hoped for. As believers it draws our hearts heavenward to our final home, and at the same time brings the sting of the present.

What sets us apart as believers when we face death is that we can call to our Father, the Father of mercies, and God of all comfort. His grace in sorrow is unexplainable---divine. It comes just as we need it. His ways of comforting immeasurable.

 

Sometimes God’s ways of comfort are unexpected , but serves to remind that our Father knows just what we need even when we don’t know ourselves. Other times he uses the ordinary, expected:the loving embrace of mom when we have been hurt, kind words from a friend, a teacher’s encouragement after a test poorly done. We have all been comforted at one time or another. Paul tells us that the comfort we have received is from our Father and is the very comfort we are to comfort others with in whatever affliction they may face. The sweetest way He comforts, at least in my experience, is the comfort He gives through the body of Christ.

 

Sometimes, however, we are fearful to comfort someone whose circumstances are very different from our own. Or, we hesitate because we are not sure what to do. This week our sister has lost her sweet baby boy. I want to encourage everyone to be content to comfort even when it is outside what is easy, comfortable. I want to share with you the ways I have found comforted, so that if there are any of you who fear comforting another--- if the Lord nudges you--- you will be free to do so.

 

 

The most common and yet a very beautiful way we comfort is by bringing a meal. It doesn’t have to be a whole meal. A fruit tray or cheese and crackers is perfect. Food is heavy in grief; picking at smaller bits is helpful. It isn’t always possible at first to provide a meal. If the Lord has laid this on your heart and there are plenty of meals already, wait a few weeks or even 3-4 months and then take a meal. This will give you an opportunity to seek the Lord and trust that He will lead you to do this just when it is needed. Include a lovely hug.

 

 

The most priceless thing we all can do is pray. We really all want to “do something†and praying is the most profound “something†we can do. We are to bear each others burdens and taking others needs to the throne room of grace is taking them to the place where comfort is derived. Knowing that you are being lifted to the throne room, and that God is moving people to pray on your behalf brings peace, in the midst of grief. It is the encouragement that grace is indeed ours in abundance. Perhaps you have never thought to pray that they will have eyes to see God’s mercy, His compassion, or goodness in the midst of sorrow. His mercies do not fail, but grief can obscure them. So pray that they will have seeing eyes and comforted hearts. Pray-- however the Lord leads you!

If the Lord leads, write a note telling them how you are praying and what Scripture the Lord has brought to your mind as you have prayed for them. It is balm! It confirms God’s care, love, and perfect knowing of their needs. This can happen anytime along the way! Hearing from those praying six months, a year, two years later, deepens trust in our Father and again comforts sweetly. A friend gave several envelopes to open whenever we needed encouragement. Some days I opened two or three in a day. They were filled with the Word, as well as famous words of comfort, and poetry. They strengthened along the way.

 

Pray for strength. Grief is exhausting. It feels like two plugs at the bottom of your feet have opened and you are completely drained. Sometimes those grieving will not feel like talking or anything else for that matter; be patient. The Lord restores strength and energy in His time.

 

Along with exhaustion is a myriad of emotions. You can laugh over something and be weeping the next instant.The privilege of being a kingdom comforter is that when your friend’s emotions bounce around faster then a ball in a pinball machine you can be quiet, give a hug, and listen. A thought, memory, or regret can flit through the mind and cause a puddle of tears. Jesus was moved by Mary’s tears at her brother’s death. Jesus grieved with her--- shared tears. It was comfort.

 

Perhaps different then other relationships, when you lose a child you don’t want their memory to disappear. Ask about special memories. Don’t be afraid to say their name--because---it is sweet to mom and dad. If you have memories--- share them. The Father ministers deep comfort in remembering.

 

You do not have to have answers. We will not know the answer to the “whys.†We do know our Father is sovereign and good. His ways are not purposeless, but unfold from His wise hand. We may be content to be comforters knowing this truth for ourselves that we may be steadfast for those in affliction.

 

The comfort of the Lord is unique. Thank Him for it. Be generous with your hugs!"

 

Again, I am so very sorry. May God grant you peace and wisdom as you minister to your friend, and may He give them the comfort and draw them nearer to him.

[Frontier Mom]

"Weep with those who weep". If she is your bf she needs you to just mourn with her and to gently remind her that not one sparrow falls to the ground out of God's control. I would bring her food, sit in her living room and listen to her. Ask where you can help. Find out who is handling all the arrangements, see if they need help but other than that just be at your friends disposal for awhile.

:grouphug: to you and her.

 

Well said. Just be there as everyone needs a friend they feel safe mourning around. Be that to her.

[FriedClams]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. We went through a friend losing a child last year. It's devastating. I will be praying for you and your friend's family. I am so sorry.

[TKDmom]

Here is an email that a precious and wise lady in my church sent to the women. Her son died a few years ago at the age of 17. I thought it was very helpful, and I hope it helps you as well.

 

 

Thank you, That was beautiful.

[LibraryLover]

I am so sorry. So so sorry.

[OnTheBrink]

Oh, what a tragedy to lose one so young! How utterly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for this family's sorrow (and for yours, too). I have no advice other than what's been already said.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[gingersmom]

When my children's father died suddenly the best thing was a hug and kind words. People who said nothing just made an awful situation worse.

 

Days after the funeral it was really nice to have had people deliver dinners and my kids school even arranged with a local italian restaurant to deliver us a huge meal (it lasted for many days).

 

I can't even imagine what your poor friend and her family are going through.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I had a very close friend lose her dd2 when her dh accidentally pinned her to the house when he was backing the car up. It was awful.

 

I was just there for her. Helped with meals, funeral arrangements, thank yous, a shoulder to cry on. Half the time, I didn't say much, I was just present to help when needed. I tried to see what needed to be done so she didn't feel as though she had to ask. It was hard.

 

:grouphug: My heart goes out to you and her.:grouphug:

[Impish]

I'm so incredibly sorry :grouphug::grouphug:

[petepie2]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine.... Just be there for them. Help with their other children, clean the bathrooms, help keep up with who gives flowers/food, listen and give hugs, pray....... I'm so sorry...I can't even imagine losing a child....

[Cheftracie]

Don't tell them to call you if they need anything. They don't know what they need to have done right now - they are in shock. Just go and do chores for them - trash, rake leaves, keep order of things coming in, freeze a lot of the food so they'll have it later. Be there to listen and don't offer advice right now - just listen. I lost my husband 6 months ago - and the people who just show up and get things done where so helpful. I had no idea what I needed done (and still don't).

[Melinda in VT]

As it gets closer to Christmas, will she need help getting Christmas ready for the other kids? Wrapping presents? Baking? Putting up the tree?

 

(I don't know. Maybe they won't really do Christmas this year? But I can imagine being overwhelmed and yet wanting to not skip it completely for the sake of the other kids.)

 

Will she need help (eventually, not right now) packing up her daughter's clothes and things?

[johnandtinagilbert]

"Weep with those who weep". If she is your bf she needs you to just mourn with her and to gently remind her that not one sparrow falls to the ground out of God's control. I would bring her food, sit in her living room and listen to her. Ask where you can help. Find out who is handling all the arrangements, see if they need help but other than that just be at your friends disposal for awhile.

:grouphug: to you and her.

:iagree:

 

My son's best friend unexpectedly passed recently..I was so in shock I needed to just sit down and have several hours for myself and my son before I could move on and do the other things that needed to be done. If your V-P could take over on this one, it would be helpful.:grouphug:

sounds wise. Don't go as a member of the church (at large), but be there as her best friend and closest sister in Christ. Let the others serve in the formal capacity. You just be YOU. :grouphug: to you

 

Don't tell them to call you if they need anything. They don't know what they need to have done right now - they are in shock. Just go and do chores for them - trash, rake leaves, keep order of things coming in, freeze a lot of the food so they'll have it later. Be there to listen and don't offer advice right now - just listen. I lost my husband 6 months ago - and the people who just show up and get things done where so helpful. I had no idea what I needed done (and still don't).

:iagree::iagree: sometimes we don't even have the presence to know what we need in difficult times.

 

As it gets closer to Christmas, will she need help getting Christmas ready for the other kids? Wrapping presents? Baking? Putting up the tree?

 

(I don't know. Maybe they won't really do Christmas this year? But I can imagine being overwhelmed and yet wanting to not skip it completely for the sake of the other kids.)

 

Will she need help (eventually, not right now) packing up her daughter's clothes and things?

great ideas

 

my deepest sorrow for this terrible situation. my prayers are with you all.

[jujsky]

:grouphug: I have no advice. What a heartbreaking situation! Makes me want to hug my kids that much tighter today.

[AuntieM]

I agree with the others. Just be there.

 

Especially a couple of weeks/months from now when no one else is there.

:iagree:

 

My goodness, this is so very sad I am wiping tears myself. I have a 4yodd, I cannot even imagine such a loss.

 

This will be in their thoughts forever. Dinners are immediate needs, let your VP handle the organization of this. Just be ready to cry and hug your friend in the year to come, and remember special days with her (ie, the next birthday, Mother's Day, next fall's start of school when she would maybe be a kindergartner...).

 

Gosh, if I were near I'd bring a meal myself...

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you both. And prayers for your children, too, they will need to process this in their own ways.

[cougarmom4]

:grouphug: My heart hurts for you and your friend. I can only imagine what a shock this must be to everyone.

 

I'm LDS, too and have served as RS president, so I know a bit about the responsibilities that you have. With it being so personal, it will be tough! Remember to delegate--use those who are so willing to help. Your counselors, her visiting teachers, the compassionate service leader. I'd imagine the whole ward is going to rally about for this one. Is one of these an older sister who you can ask to take on being the one to deal with all of the needs/assignments...and allow you to just be a friend to your friend? (Not that it has to be someone older...but I found it so helpful when I was a young RS president to have a more experienced/in some ways wiser person as my right hand man). Also, remember your Bishop...discuss freely with him what you both feel needs to be done and the best way to coordinate things.

 

Perhaps it would be helpful to list all of the ways you'd like to see help coordinated and ask someone to take over each area. And then each one of those areas could have a few key individuals to help for a few weeks. For example:

 

Meals for the family

Funeral arrangements (perhaps childcare during service, if needed)

Meal after the funeral

Household chores--laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming, grocery shopping

Childcare for the other children

Christmas--perhaps the YM/YW could do a service project & gather gifts

 

You can do it. You can hold your friend as she cries...and cry with her. That's probably the most important thing you can do in the days to come. It's going to be hard...but you can do it. Pray...ask Heavenly Father to help you be strong for your friend. Remember Nephi--when asked to build a ship, he didn't say, "That's too hard, I can't..." He said, "Okay, how do I do it? Where do I start?" (Paraphrasing, of course). Same as this...it is hard, and it feels completely overwhelming. Take a deep breath, say a prayer, and figure out a few baby steps to take...then pray to know the next step. Heavenly Father will help you through this...He'll help you know how to help your friend.

 

Hugs from a fellow RS sister...

[Sophia]

My oldest ds's bf died this past June.

 

I would encourage you to get ready to be there for your friend for the long haul.

Six months from now the pain will be as fresh as it is today.

 

Ds is closer to the family than I am, and he said sometimes they want to talk about their loss, sometimes they don't.

He checks in with them regularly to just let them know he's there for them.

:grouphug:

[TKDmom]

Thank you everyone for all the kind replies and advice. I find myself reading them over and over again this morning. I'm not sure I would have expected this to impact me so hard. It's good to read others' experiences and know that we're not alone. And I'm glad to know that it's okay for me to sit around being in shock right now. I'm going to go now and drop off some food that will be easy for the kids to snag out of the fridge and eat on their own.

[Mrs Mungo]

Thank you everyone for all the kind replies and advice. I find myself reading them over and over again this morning. I'm not sure I would have expected this to impact me so hard.

 

How could it not? It's a terrible, sad thing to lose a child. I'm sure half of us are crying just reading this thread. I can't imagine.

 

It's good to read others' experiences and know that we're not alone. And I'm glad to know that it's okay for me to sit around being in shock right now. I'm going to go now and drop off some food that will be easy for the kids to snag out of the fridge and eat on their own.

 

It is absolutely okay for you to be in shock, to grieve.

 

I have no advice other than to be there for your friend and be prepared for the hurt and the anger.

[Crimson Wife]

If your church is not already using an online meal coordination site like FoodTidings or CareCalendar, I highly recommend setting up an account. It makes things SOOO much easier on both the coordinator and the ladies cooking the meals.

[shusband]

the most comforting thing was when people were genuinely mourning with us. I needed women around me who were okay with me crying a lot and needing to talk about it a lot. Dh needed men around him who were not horribly uncomfortable around him and who could take him out and let him not talk about it. The most hurtful thing to me was when people avoided us.

 

So, so sorry.

 

Summer

ds6, ds4, ds3, ds#4 coming any day

ds b/d 7-8-00

dd b/d 4-17-02

[Heather in WI]

I agree with the many other posts that said just be there. We had a stillborn baby boy six years ago this month. I don't think most people knew what to say, so they just stayed away. I felt very alone.

 

What was not helpful was when someone came over and played riotously with my children in the other room. It was then that I learned the Proverb

 

 

 

Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.

 

 

I didn't feel like talking, really, but just having someone there to be quiet with me was comforting. I didn't feel like eating, but meals were appreciated by my children and husband.

 

Someone coming over and cleaning the bathroom and doing laundry was helpful, as I didn't really get off of the couch for a couple of weeks. I really felt as if I were in a slow motion whirl where everything was happening around me.

 

Little notes of encouragement or "I'm praying for you" were comforting.

 

I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. :-(

[Heidi]

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=f7ba3c7842470110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

 

"Reaching out to those who mourn" HTH!

[Tree House Academy]

I have no advice at all. I am so sad just reading this. God be with you all during this time.

[Jennifer in MI]

:grouphug::grouphug: I am SO sorry. Sorry for this poor, poor family and sorry for yours too. I can only imagine . . .

[BakersDozen]

One thing about meals...when I had my worst loss the dinners were nice but my hardest time was the morning. A dear friend brought a breakfast basket for me and my dc several times and it was very helpful. She sat with me and helped me just by being there as I couldn't stand the thought of facing another day.

[K in MI]

:grouphug: My heart hurts for you and your friend. I can only imagine what a shock this must be to everyone.

 

I'm LDS, too and have served as RS president, so I know a bit about the responsibilities that you have. With it being so personal, it will be tough! Remember to delegate--use those who are so willing to help. Your counselors, her visiting teachers, the compassionate service leader. I'd imagine the whole ward is going to rally about for this one. Is one of these an older sister who you can ask to take on being the one to deal with all of the needs/assignments...and allow you to just be a friend to your friend? (Not that it has to be someone older...but I found it so helpful when I was a young RS president to have a more experienced/in some ways wiser person as my right hand man). Also, remember your Bishop...discuss freely with him what you both feel needs to be done and the best way to coordinate things.

 

Perhaps it would be helpful to list all of the ways you'd like to see help coordinated and ask someone to take over each area. And then each one of those areas could have a few key individuals to help for a few weeks. For example:

 

Meals for the family

Funeral arrangements (perhaps childcare during service, if needed)

Meal after the funeral

Household chores--laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming, grocery shopping

Childcare for the other children

Christmas--perhaps the YM/YW could do a service project & gather gifts

 

You can do it. You can hold your friend as she cries...and cry with her. That's probably the most important thing you can do in the days to come. It's going to be hard...but you can do it. Pray...ask Heavenly Father to help you be strong for your friend. Remember Nephi--when asked to build a ship, he didn't say, "That's too hard, I can't..." He said, "Okay, how do I do it? Where do I start?" (Paraphrasing, of course). Same as this...it is hard, and it feels completely overwhelming. Take a deep breath, say a prayer, and figure out a few baby steps to take...then pray to know the next step. Heavenly Father will help you through this...He'll help you know how to help your friend.

 

Hugs from a fellow RS sister...

 

Excellent advice. Remember that it is OK for RS presidents to cry, too. Your counselors are there to bear up your arms --- let them!

 

Hugs and prayers from a fellow RS president.

[melhouse]

I agree with the many other posts that said just be there. We had a stillborn baby boy six years ago this month. I don't think most people knew what to say, so they just stayed away. I felt very alone.

 

What was not helpful was when someone came over and played riotously with my children in the other room. It was then that I learned the Proverb

 

 

 

Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.

 

 

I didn't feel like talking, really, but just having someone there to be quiet with me was comforting. I didn't feel like eating, but meals were appreciated by my children and husband.

 

Someone coming over and cleaning the bathroom and doing laundry was helpful, as I didn't really get off of the couch for a couple of weeks. I really felt as if I were in a slow motion whirl where everything was happening around me.

 

Little notes of encouragement or "I'm praying for you" were comforting.

 

I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. :-(

 

:iagree: I had a stillborn baby in August of this year. It is incredibly painful that people just avoid me or don't mention it to me. I found more compassion on-line than anywhere else. I found a quote that spoke to me more than anything: It was from a man who counsels people who lost children. "If you mention my child, I may cry, but if you don't, it will break my heart."

[Ottakee]

Another thing that might be helpful is someone to answer the phone for them at home. I know when my BIL was murdered having someone close to the family there to field all the phone calls and make some was wonderful.

 

In time to come, a meal a week would be nice for a while.

 

Paper products are also helpful--kleenex, TP, paper towels, paper plates, etc.

[outtamyshell]

I know you are overwhelmed with your role as RS President. There are responsibilities to take care of, and you can delegate as needed. There will be plenty people who want to help... even people who don't know her. When my 28yo friend's husband died, they had all the food they needed from the family restuarant. We brought soft drinks, paper products and a cooler of ice. When she returned the cooler 3 months later she laughed about how crazy she thought we were at the time and how surprised she was to find out that they really did need a cooler of ice.

 

Don't get too caught up in your role as RS President and underestimate the critical role you have as BF. There's no need to hide your feelings. Cry with her. Sit there in the quiet together and be numb together. You can do this.

[tex-mex]

Know that right now your friend is overwhelmed with emotions and feeling very little on the outside. The grieving process has begun. Just by calling the hospital and saying a prayer for them... no need to talk to her as a family member can do the talking. Gather resources for helping with meals or funeral flowers. Send a card. When the time is right and she comes out of her "cave" -- she will realize your generousity. Just don't expect her to say anything to you directly right now. HTH

[Tammyla]

Heartbreaking.

[MariannNOVA]

:grouphug::grouphug: I am so very sorry for your loss and for your friend's loss! Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[sunshine]

When my daughter died I remember some things so very clearly that they have remained in my mind and heart to this day 20 years later. The friend who gathered me in her arms and cried with me when they said those horrible words "she is dead". The 2 silently crying girlfriends who just as silently cleaned my house from front to back and then made a glass of tea with wet eyes and sat in the corner of my living room for 6 hours. They served every person who came in the door and set up the food in the fridge and kept a bowl of ice and cups with a pitcher of tea on the counter.

 

My best friend who walked in the house and sat on the floor by me. And didn't move until I did. She would hold my hand when I broke down and then sit quietly while I wailed how unfair it was.

 

The 2 friends who incidently were not that close to me before the death of my daughter became very close to me after this and for years were a source of comfort whenever mentioned my daughter. To this day they say her name out loud.

 

The friend whose arms I collapsed into when I learned of her death was pregnant with a little girl that was born 4 months later and when I walked in the room to see her for the first time, she handed her to me and said "we will share her". She was true to her word. She is the 20 yr old girl I asked for prayers for when she was burned on her face a month or so ago. I see her and her mother all the time and her son is going hunting with my dh in the morning for 5 days. He considers my dh his father as his father turned out to be a drunk and crack head.

 

I vaguely remember what was said at the funeral, I don't remember who was at the funeral except the ones who held me. And went home with me, and came day after day. The friends who hold your broken heart do weep with you and hold the pieces of your heart until it mends enough to stand on its own.

[Denisemomof4]

oh my gosh! How HORRIBLE!!! I'm SO sorry for everyone involved!

 

I have learned to just be there. To share in tears, offer lots of hugs, help with kids, help with meals, organize cleaning crews, etc. Do all you can to help the kids remain as "normal" as possible, and take as much responsibility away from her as possible.

 

When my friend was losing her husband, I became her voice. I screened her phone calls, I had her family and friends go through me to get to her. She needed this and her family, personal and extended, were thankful for it. Be her voice to get the updates out and let her needs be known. But most of all, cry with her, comfort her, do all you can for the kids.

 

I don't know what else to say, I'm stunned at the news of her 4 yod dying. :crying:

[Denisemomof4]

one more thing - I've heard, read and experienced that the 6 month mark is the hardest. Please try to remember this and be there for her. So many times people just move on and expect the grieving person to also do so. She will have her own personal timetable, as her friend, support and encourage it.

[Peela]

When my daughter died I remember some things so very clearly that they have remained in my mind and heart to this day 20 years later. The friend who gathered me in her arms and cried with me when they said those horrible words "she is dead". The 2 silently crying girlfriends who just as silently cleaned my house from front to back and then made a glass of tea with wet eyes and sat in the corner of my living room for 6 hours. They served every person who came in the door and set up the food in the fridge and kept a bowl of ice and cups with a pitcher of tea on the counter.

 

My best friend who walked in the house and sat on the floor by me. And didn't move until I did. She would hold my hand when I broke down and then sit quietly while I wailed how unfair it was.

 

The 2 friends who incidently were not that close to me before the death of my daughter became very close to me after this and for years were a source of comfort whenever mentioned my daughter. To this day they say her name out loud.

 

The friend whose arms I collapsed into when I learned of her death was pregnant with a little girl that was born 4 months later and when I walked in the room to see her for the first time, she handed her to me and said "we will share her". She was true to her word. She is the 20 yr old girl I asked for prayers for when she was burned on her face a month or so ago. I see her and her mother all the time and her son is going hunting with my dh in the morning for 5 days. He considers my dh his father as his father turned out to be a drunk and crack head.

 

I vaguely remember what was said at the funeral, I don't remember who was at the funeral except the ones who held me. And went home with me, and came day after day. The friends who hold your broken heart do weep with you and hold the pieces of your heart until it mends enough to stand on its own.

 

Thankyou for sharing this, for helping give me a picture of how to help in such situaitons. WHen my oldest was a baby, a friend's 4yo died of a brain tumour, and I just didnt know how to deal with it at all. So..I didnt- I just didn't call, didnt do anything..they werent close friends, they wouldnt have noticed that I didnt call at the time, wouldnt have particularly expected me to...but still, I could have done something, and it certinaly touched me. I felt uncomfortable about having a beautiful baby and if I visited, having to take her.

I am older and wiser now, and think I would just visit and leat the tears flow if they came, and just ask if there was anything I could do to help.

[Tracy in Ky]

The friend whose arms I collapsed into when I learned of her death was pregnant with a little girl that was born 4 months later and when I walked in the room to see her for the first time, she handed her to me and said "we will share her".

 

That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard.

[Alicia64]

If it were me, I think I would want exactly what Sunshine said. People around me, helping, wet eyes, someone who wouldn't leave.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Alley

[*LC]

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's daughter. Two young elementary-age daughters of different friends at church have died recently. I read through the wonderful advice you received here, and I'm going to quote some and add from our experience.

"Some friends of mine lost their 3 year old boy this summer, and I was completely devastated. Be prepared for this to consume your every waking thought for a long while.

 

I did seek advice from some other friends of mine who had lost their 4 month old daughter about 13 years ago. They told me to not be afraid to talk to the parents about the child. People think that mentioning the child's name will be too painful, so they try to avoid it. This is not easier on the parents because they feel horribly that no one wants to talk about their child."

This is absolutely true. This first little girl who died was the daughter of someone who was more of a church co-worker than a friend I hung out with other places. Still, the girl's death consumed me. We didn't get a lot done in our homeschooling for months. On the other thread, about four months after her daughter died, the mom was bringing dinner to our house, because my husband was sick, and my son who answered the door called out, "It's Meghan's mom." My friend hugged him and said that was the sweetest thing she had heard in a while. She loved being called Meghan's mom, because no one called her that anymore.

"Don't tell them to call you if they need anything. They don't know what they need to have done right now - they are in shock. Just go and do chores for them - trash, rake leaves, keep order of things coming in, freeze a lot of the food so they'll have it later. Be there to listen and don't offer advice right now - just listen. I lost my husband 6 months ago - and the people who just show up and get things done where so helpful. I had no idea what I needed done (and still don't)."

I have been on that side also, and this is absolutely true also.

"(I don't know. Maybe they won't really do Christmas this year? But I can imagine being overwhelmed and yet wanting to not skip it completely for the sake of the other kids.)"

This is tricky one that the parents will have to decide. Our first friends went out of town and didn't do anything holiday related. It was 2-1/2 months after their daughter died, however, their other kids were in middle school. Our second friends decorated the outside of the house and also went out of town for the holidays, which were 3 months after the death. They still feel bad that their younger daughter was mad about not having a Christmas tree that year.

"This will be in their thoughts forever. Dinners are immediate needs, let your VP handle the organization of this. Just be ready to cry and hug your friend in the year to come, and remember special days with her (ie, the next birthday, Mother's Day, next fall's start of school when she would maybe be a kindergartner...)."

Absolutely. Except don't stop. Always send them a card at the birthday and the anniversary of her death. Don't forget Dad on Father's Day. Those days will always be hard, not just next year.

"If your church is not already using an online meal coordination site like FoodTidings or CareCalendar, I highly recommend setting up an account. It makes things SOOO much easier on both the coordinator and the ladies cooking the meals. "

We didn't do this, but I've seen others use this with wonderful results.

More than one person told you this, but I'm going to echo it. Your job here isn't as a church representative, your job is to be the best friend. Go be with her, cry with her, hold her, follow her lead. In addition, you should be the liason between your friend and the ladies who will be coordinating the help. If you see the family needs something you tell the coordinator. If you know your friend and her husband, need someone to watch the kids while they go do X, you tell the coordinator, who will find someone. You just do the things that come naturally as a friend who wants to help. Everyone wants to help and you are in the position to know what needs to be done; you just won't be able to handle your grief, your friend's needs, and the coordination of everything, so let everyone help.

Margaret mentioned a slide show. We had that at my husband's service as well as these two little girls, and I know we all treasure those. Sit with your friend as she finds those pictures. In all the cases, we also had people make copies of those pictures and had tons of pictures around the church, before, during and after the service. We also had momentos of each person out and around the church, such as the girls dance outfits, favorite dolls, and things my husband had made. One thing that would have been helpful after the fact was to have someone come in and put those pictures back in the albums. If you have pictures of this little girl, your friend would love to have a copy. At one visitation, they had paper out where you could write a memory of the little girl. I wish we had done that.

There are a few other things that came up in our experience. Will they have family travelling from out-of-state country for the funeral? There was a lot of that in both cases here, and our church coordinated families for them to stay with. Other families brought meals to these houses while there were guests there. We also made meals for our friends' closest friends for the day of the funerals. In other words, someone should make dinner for your family on the day of the funeral, because you won't have any interest that. Someone asked me if I wanted my husband's funeral video. I said yes simply, because it was easier than no. I am so glad I did. It is very special for me to have a memory of that day, and I know I will want my kids to remember their dad when they are older. This person also took pictures, so I can remember who was there. The person, who took the video and photos, was not at all obtrusive and I never noticed any of this.

Again, I'm sorry for all of you.

[sunshine]

"This will be in their thoughts forever. Dinners are immediate needs, let your VP handle the organization of this. Just be ready to cry and hug your friend in the year to come, and remember special days with her (ie, the next birthday, Mother's Day, next fall's start of school when she would maybe be a kindergartner...)."

 

Absolutely. Except don't stop. Always send them a card at the birthday and the anniversary of her death. Don't forget Dad on Father's Day. Those days will always be hard, not just next year.

 

I had a lady in my church who sent me sympathy and thinking of you cards for 10 yrs on the anniversary of my daughter's death. It was unbelievably comforting to know that somone recognized what a hard day that is for me. It will mean alot to the little girls mother I believe.

 

 

LC Please accept condolences and prayers for you and your dear children's loss.:grouphug:

[girligirlmom]

How do I handle this? I have no idea how to approach her, or what she needs. Her dd was 4yo and died overnight from complications of pneumonia. All our kids are close in age. I'm also the Relief Society president (the women's leader) at church. That means I'm in charge of handling preparations for things like funerals and comforting families.

 

But I'm too close to this. I have no idea how to proceed, other than bringing her dinner. I'm sure there are people here who have gone through this. What does she need?

 

ETA: My phone is ringing off the hook. Apparently, bf's dd is still on life support. But no brain activity. They think it may be spinal meningitis. I think they will make the decision on whether to take her off life support this afternoon...

 

I'm so very sorry for your loss. This is just so devastating!

 

Can you find others to watch your kids (except maybe the baby) and just go and be with her and do whatever comes up?

 

My sister's best friend's dh just died in September (suicide) and so my sister just sort of became her friend's planner/secretary/admin and was there for her friend to process what happened and get her through each day. My sister was there from morning until evening, took her everywhere, had meals planned and even over the funeral weekend planned who she was having breakfast with, lunch with and dinner with if it was not part of a large gathering.

 

She took her to visit the pastor, to the funeral home, to the police (required), helped pick out clothes for the services, helped do a DVD and picture compilation for the wake and funeral, answered the phone and knew who her friend wanted to talk to and who she didn't want to talk to. In this case her kids were older but if there were children involved it would include taking care of their needs.

 

Having been through the loss of both of our parents my sister knew what needed to be done. She took the whole week off of work and even the next Monday on a Jewish Holiday off from teaching was able to take her friend to Probate or whatever it is where you need to process the paperwork.

 

Even if you logistically cannot be there for her, can you watch her kids when she needs you to. She might want them with her a lot, but certain things like visiting the funeral home might be easier without the other children.

[Thea]

 

I did seek advice from some other friends of mine who had lost their 4 month old daughter about 13 years ago. They told me to not be afraid to talk to the parents about the child. People think that mentioning the child's name will be too painful, so they try to avoid it. This is not easier on the parents because they feel horribly that no one wants to talk about their child.

 

 

Lynne

 

I'm so sorry. This advice is spot. on.