Ungrateful children.

[Garga]

My boys are 4 and 7 and are starting to become ungrateful and demanding.

 

For example:

 

At McD's: we were going to order 10 nuggets to share. They howled and whined because they wanted a happy meal for the toy.

 

For example:

 

When we go to stores, they start to beg for everything they see and don't seem to understand why they can't have everything.

 

For example:

 

Mom-mom likes to take them out to eat, and recently they've been very demanding about what they want. Happy meals and ice cream sundaes, money for the candy machine, and getting slightly obnoxious about it, until I step in and tell them to knock it off.

 

I can speak firmly to them and stop them from asking and I can demand that they stop whining and they will comply. But I want it to go beyond that. I want to get to the root of the problem and stop them from feeling so entitled to things and to be more content with what they have.

 

This has been happening only recently (past month or so). They haven't always been this whiny and demanding for things. I don't think we've changed anything in our household, so I'm not sure where it's coming from.

 

Any suggestions on how to get kids to be content with what they have?

[lionfamily1999]

Is it possible they whined at some point and got what they wanted, or (more likely) they saw another child whining and getting what they wanted?

 

This problem pops up for us after being around certain groups or neighbors. I've gone with the 'you know better' and it seems to work (for the moment). IOW, you know better! Whining will get you nowhere!

 

At one point I started taking things they already had away. IOW, there would be no McDonald's at all if they whined. At the store, anything being purchased for them, or for the family (like a movie) would be put back. That is tough (for me), but it works too... if you can bring yourself to do it, and you DON'T fall for the 'okay, I'll stop!' If you do that, then you just teach them they can whine until you start putting things back, but if they stop then... you'll remove the punishment.

[elise1mds]

I do, too... and they feed off each other like little symbiotic and/or parasitic creatures whose main goal is to suck the life out of me! :glare: The whining... I hate the whining... and the 'Gimmes...'

[gingersmom]

When my kids were that age I would just pack up and leave. If we were at McDonalds we would have walked out. If we had ordered the food and they kept whining it would have gone in the trash and out we would have gone.

 

Do it once and believe me your kids will never forget.

 

My children still talk about it. My kids learned very quickly I meant what I said.

[Kimm in WA]

I have 3 boys - they are older now: 16, 14, 14, but when they were younger, to put a nip in this problem with the 1st boy, I made it a rule that when we were at the grocery store or elsewhere, Like Target, he was not allowed to ask for something. If he asked, he didn't get it. Sometimes, if he was well behaved (or had a good streak at home being helpful or improving in an area we were working on him related to an attitude) I'd let him pick something out (small toy or pack of gum). It wasn't every time, in fact only occasionally, but it solved the problem of asking all the time. He wanted to look at things or show me things or say this or that was neat but not ask for it. I didn't want to raise my kids being materialistic and that stuff is what makes a person happy.

 

HTH,

Kimm

[MSNative]

Part of that seems to be human/kid nature. I agree with the poster who suggested putting everything away that you were going to get them if they whine. We have done that with good results. Have you tried taking them to volunteer? When my kids see how little others have, they whine a lot less. I also try to read them a lot of books about people, esp. kids, who have less and are satisfied and happy- Little House on the Prairie series, Anne of Green Gables, heck even Harry Potter.

 

Good luck with it and remember you are fighting the good fight. :)

[Kathleen in VA]

Is it possible they whined at some point and got what they wanted, or (more likely) they saw another child whining and getting what they wanted?

 

This problem pops up for us after being around certain groups or neighbors. I've gone with the 'you know better' and it seems to work (for the moment). IOW, you know better! Whining will get you nowhere!

 

At one point I started taking things they already had away. IOW, there would be no McDonald's at all if they whined. At the store, anything being purchased for them, or for the family (like a movie) would be put back. That is tough (for me), but it works too... if you can bring yourself to do it, and you DON'T fall for the 'okay, I'll stop!' If you do that, then you just teach them they can whine until you start putting things back, but if they stop then... you'll remove the punishment.

 

:iagree: They are acting like normal children - selfish.:) If they get what they want when they whine, they will continue to whine. Don't ever give it to them - even when it is inconvenient.

 

If you don't think of it as aberrant behavior, but pretty normal for kids, you won't be so frustrated by it. They want things. They need to learn that we don't always get what we want. That's a lesson everyone learns sooner or later. Now is better than later, for their sakes. Just calmly turn around and leave the McDonald's and say, "Mommy isn't going to argue with you about what to buy. We are going home now and you can have oatmeal for dinner (or whatever)." Don't get your feathers ruffled - just calmly deny them what they are whining for and go about your business. I realize that is a very inconvenient thing to do, but it will definitely drive the point home.

 

Dd10 went through a stage when whenever we went shopping for normal household stuff and food, she would ask for this or that (usually some useless trinket). I refused to take her shopping with me several times in a row, explaining that she always asked for things and I cannot have that when I'm shopping. I wasn't unkind, I did not lecture, I just didn't take her with me. She doesn't do it any more.

[Joanne]

Any suggestions on how to get kids to be content with what they have?

 

Yes.

 

Leave the moment they say anything about an optional outing being not enough.

 

You order @ McDonalds....

 

Kid "whine, happy meal, toy. wah"

 

Mom: Tells Cashier, "thank you but I must cancel this order".

 

Leave. Go home and eat pb&j.

 

Grocery store? If they whine/want/plea, they don't get what they want AND they don't get the favorite (but optional) cereal I've put in the cart AND they don't get the trip to the park, library, used bookstore, whatever after.

 

Prayer at night where I begin listing my gratitude and they add to it helps, too.

[Sue G in PA]

I'd love to know how to extinguish this behavior too b/c it is running rampant in our home. And trust me...my kids do NOT get what they want when they whine, beg, yell, cry, etc...EVER. My question is this: What do you do when you have 7 children and most of them are behaving quite well, but the others are complaining? Do you make everyone miss out b/c of the behavior of one? Seems unfair. Or, do you make the one misbehaving suffer by watching everyone else eat, say, McD's while they have nothing b/c of their whining? We always have this problem. We'll be on our way somewhere and somebody acts up. I "want" to turn the van around and go home, but do not want to make all the kids who are behaving suffer the punishment. How do you all handle this?

[BikeBookBread]

Someone must've been listening at our door today...I actually had composed a very similar post (about tennis shoes) but I was SOOO angry when I wrote it, I would've regretted it the minute that I posted.

 

:mad: (<<== me today...not a nice Mommy)

 

Thank you Lord, this post was a Godsend. Really. A reality check. My children are normal. Whiney, dissatisfied, but normal. It still doesn't make it okay, but it is so comforting to see someone else write this out in words about their children.

[Daisy]

I'd love to know how to extinguish this behavior too b/c it is running rampant in our home. And trust me...my kids do NOT get what they want when they whine, beg, yell, cry, etc...EVER. My question is this: What do you do when you have 7 children and most of them are behaving quite well, but the others are complaining? Do you make everyone miss out b/c of the behavior of one? Seems unfair. Or, do you make the one misbehaving suffer by watching everyone else eat, say, McD's while they have nothing b/c of their whining? We always have this problem. We'll be on our way somewhere and somebody acts up. I "want" to turn the van around and go home, but do not want to make all the kids who are behaving suffer the punishment. How do you all handle this?

 

Ya know, I was thinking. If you consistently have one or two who "whine", I would be prepared in advance. I'd make two PB&J sandwiches and have them ready to go for the whiners. They can sit at the table by themselves and eat their PB&J while everyone else gets McDonalds. I doubt you'd have to do that too many times.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'd love to know how to extinguish this behavior too b/c it is running rampant in our home. And trust me...my kids do NOT get what they want when they whine, beg, yell, cry, etc...EVER. My question is this: What do you do when you have 7 children and most of them are behaving quite well, but the others are complaining? Do you make everyone miss out b/c of the behavior of one? Seems unfair. Or, do you make the one misbehaving suffer by watching everyone else eat, say, McD's while they have nothing b/c of their whining? We always have this problem. We'll be on our way somewhere and somebody acts up. I "want" to turn the van around and go home, but do not want to make all the kids who are behaving suffer the punishment. How do you all handle this?

 

You make the one misbehaving suffer by packing up the lunch to go (because you don't want a scene at McD's) and having him/her suffer by watching everyone else eat. If you are too far from home to bring it home while it is still hot, then eat in the car. I would pack a couple of pb&j's to have with me in the car for the whiners to eat.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Daisy - we must have been typing at the same time!

 

One other thing - before you go out to eat or to the mall or to the grocery store, you talk about this problem with the kids. You tell them what is expected and what the consequences will be.

 

My most difficult times were when the kids whined at the grocery store, or bank. I would say, no, but the teller or cashier would try to do an end run around me to give them stuff anyway. That was difficult! I would accept the stickers or little prize (our bank used to give out stuff like super balls) and then pocket them "for later". Then they would go in our charity box.

[helena]

I would talk about the problem, what you expect, and what will happen before leaving the house to go anywhere. I would warn them once (maybe) and take them home immediately when they start in on you. And they will. I think you have to tell yourself this will not work right away, if I take them to eat today, we will most likely have to leave and come home. When they see what zero tollerence looks like, you just might have a chance :).

I remember walking out of all kinds of places. I had to do my errands alone in the evenings, because I always had to bring them home. I think it's the age, but that is no reason to put up with their shenanigans.

[abbeyej]

Whining and ingratitude are real hot button issues for both dh and me. We want to be generous with our kids and it's delightful to give them the things we can -- but not if they are acting like small Dudley Dursleys.

 

In reading your post, I couldn't help but think what would happen / have happened if my children (who are a little older now, but were that age not so long ago) behaved as you described:

 

At McD's: we were going to order 10 nuggets to share. They howled and whined because they wanted a happy meal for the toy.

 

If they simply *said*, "Oh, but I wanted a happy meal so I could get a toy," I would respond with, "Yes, I know, but we can't do that today. Aren't you glad to be getting to go out for lunch?"

 

On the other hand, if they began with howling or whining, or responded to my first correction with howling and whining (or if howling and whining occurred at any time), we would leave *immediately*. They would *not* get McDonald's food (even if it meant I missed out as well, though if I ended up eating my "treat" lunch and they had rice cakes and sunflower butter at home, so be it).

 

When we go to stores, they start to beg for everything they see and don't seem to understand why they can't have everything.

We routinely had (very brief) talks ahead of time before going into stores about how they could look, or tell me they liked something, but that did not mean that we would buy something. When they were very small, if there was something they wanted to hold, I might tell them, "You may hold it and look at it in the store, but we cannot buy it today. You will have to put it down when it's time to check out." The practice actually seemed very good for them. It's okay to look at stuff and appreciate it, but that doesn't mean we have to *have* it.

 

If a child tried to demand something after a simple, "No, not today," *any* other item that child was getting (even something boring like underwear) would be put back. In severe cases of "the gimmes", I might explain that I simply couldn't buy them anything for (insert period of time), because it was clear that I had been buying them too much and inadvertently teaching them to be selfish. That I was sorry for that, but we would have to do without for a while. (Obviously I still buy them food from the grocery store, but no "fun" food, no quick stops at restaurants, no new toothbrushes, etc...)

 

Mom-mom likes to take them out to eat, and recently they've been very demanding about what they want. Happy meals and ice cream sundaes, money for the candy machine, and getting slightly obnoxious about it, until I step in and tell them to knock it off.

Again, I would prep them with a brief conversation. "You guys are so lucky to have a wonderful grandma who loves you and likes to do special things with you and give you things. But if you are ungrateful and demand things, I will not be able to let you go out with her until I'm sure you can be thankful and appreciative of all the things she chooses to give you. I know it makes her happy to do fun things for you, but it's hurtful and cruel when you demand more and more and more..."

 

And again, I would mean it. I would follow through. (I've carried screaming children out of ice cream parlors, gone home when I would rather have eaten out, denied myself the pleasure of giving the kids things or doing things for them that I would like to do because ultimately I could see the selfishness building...)

 

I can speak firmly to them and stop them from asking and I can demand that they stop whining and they will comply. But I want it to go beyond that. I want to get to the root of the problem and stop them from feeling so entitled to things and to be more content with what they have.

I certainly agree that it has to go deeper. But don't be afraid to correct the behavior in the meantime, while you're trying to reach their hearts. And talk. Model for them the gracious acceptance of a "no". Model for them the right way to acknowledge something that you would like to have, and also some of the reasons why you can't/shouldn't or can't right now, along with listing some of the things you *do* have that you're grateful to have.

 

Make sure they get lots of practice in wanting things and seeing that the world turns just fine when they don't get them.

 

This has been happening only recently (past month or so). They haven't always been this whiny and demanding for things. I don't think we've changed anything in our household, so I'm not sure where it's coming from.

Ah, who knows. ;) Kids try stuff sometimes. "Where are the boundaries? What can I get away with?" And if one of 'em tries, the other might as well jump in on it! It doesn't necessarily mean that anything happened or you did anything or... Just that they're kids. :)

 

They'll come back around. You may need to be hard-nosed for a little while about things you might otherwise not, but they're little and this is a new behavior. It shouldn't be too hard to redirect...

 

Perhaps a charity project would be good for them right about now... Perhaps get a Heifer International catalog and read through it together and let them pick an animal that they would like to donate. Then help arrange for them to do small jobs or bake cookies to sell, etc, so that they can earn money towards sending something that could really make a difference in the life of someone who couldn't even imagine the daily luxuries they enjoy...

Edited November 14, 2009 by abbeyej

[Kimm in WA]

I've packed up everyone and left somewhere or not done an anticipated activity b/c of 1 kiddo even though the others missed out.

 

I just would say "sorry, I was looking forward to going to the library, too, but because of X's behavior we have to go home." They were not resentful, and learned to extend grace to their siblings because inevitably it would be them that ruined it for everyone.

 

Kimm

[MariannNOVA]

When my kids were that age I would just pack up and leave. If we were at McDonalds we would have walked out. If we had ordered the food and they kept whining it would have gone in the trash and out we would have gone.

 

Do it once and believe me your kids will never forget.

 

My children still talk about it. My kids learned very quickly I meant what I said.

 

:iagree:We found this to be unbelievably effective! In fact, one evening, we walked into some Macaroni Grill or some such place, and we had scripted them in the car that if there was any nonsense about 'who had to sit where' we would walk out. We were seated for all of 5 seconds, and it started; without a word, DH and I took them by the hands, and walked out. They were stunned! They have not forgotten it, and I don't think we have ever had to do it again - and that was 6 years ago.

[stripe]

I think we also have to consciously model this every day. Most adults are fairly ungrateful as well! When was the last time we realized what a blessing it is to be able "just" to walk or to breathe or to see, much less sat down and really felt appreciative for the blessing? I think it is very easy to become trapped in a cycle of feeling deprived, wanting more, acquiring it, and then...feeling empty, and repeating the cycle; it's children's more overt and loud ways of expressing it (and generally over "insignificant" things like candies and toys) that tend to offend us more than seeing our own desire for more "stuff" (generally over things like electronic goods, furniture, cars, jewelry, and other expensive items that we perceive a higher value for than a lollipop or crayon) and lack of contentedness, which is the same, but dressed up more prettily. So I think we have to be gentle with our children and not expect them to be so completely different from what we model.

[SonshineLearner]

I'll be the one who says, perhaps you need to train them. I mean, if I get myself a candy bar each time I enter a store... and then decide I should stop... I tell myself... I won't be getting one this time. So, with kids... if they've gotten use to McD's meaning a toy... Perhaps just reminding them before you go in would be ok. "We'll not be getting toys today, remember:-)" "Remember, grateful hearts".

 

Just a thought:-)

Carrie:-)

[Daisy]

I'll be the one who says, perhaps you need to train them. I mean, if I get myself a candy bar each time I enter a store... and then decide I should stop... I tell myself... I won't be getting one this time. So, with kids... if they've gotten use to McD's meaning a toy... Perhaps just reminding them before you go in would be ok. "We'll not be getting toys today, remember:-)" "Remember, grateful hearts".

 

I do this! Especially after Grandpa visits and they get used to getting an icee every time he walks into a store. LOL. We have to go back to our training. "Okay, we are not buying anything except what is on the list and I don't want any begging for stuff." That usually works in our house but I think it is because they KNOW I mean business.

 

It also helps that we give allowance. We pay for basics. The kids pay for upgrades. They learn really quick what is important to them. I'll pay for the plain sneakers that are $20. If you want the $25 pair, YOU are paying the difference. I'm buying 10 nuggets for you two to share. If you want a happy meal, YOU are paying. Of course, children have to be a bit older before they "get" this. My children have learned to be REALLY frugal. They quickly realize that McDonald's toy or the bells and whistles just are not worth it to them.

[EKS]

Just keep saying no.

[Tutor]

Yes.

 

Leave the moment they say anything about an optional outing being not enough.

 

You order @ McDonalds....

 

Kid "whine, happy meal, toy. wah"

 

Mom: Tells Cashier, "thank you but I must cancel this order".

 

Leave. Go home and eat pb&j.

 

Grocery store? If they whine/want/plea, they don't get what they want AND they don't get the favorite (but optional) cereal I've put in the cart AND they don't get the trip to the park, library, used bookstore, whatever after.

 

Prayer at night where I begin listing my gratitude and they add to it helps, too.

 

:iagree: We have had to do this with our own kids periodically, and it works amazingly fast.

 

A friend of ours had a similar problem in addition to a general acting-up issue with his boys. He and his wife ended up not taking their boys anywhere except school and church for 18 months while he retaught them how to behave in public by acting properly at home and acting out situations at home. It was a long 18 months for them, but it was completely worth it for them and he said he would do it again in a heartbeat if necessary.

 

It is so tough, I know. Hang in there. It will pass, and you can guide them through this. :grouphug:

[rwjx2khsmj]

For me, setting expectations (mine and theirs) up front really helps. I let the kiddos know when it's a happy meal day and when it's just a meal day before we go into the restaurant. If we are shopping I let them know if they are allowed to pick out a treat (and the kind or $ amount) or not.

 

We also rehearse the "rules" of any place we are getting ready to enter... sit quietly, walk with me, no running, etc...

 

Knowing we are all on the same page helps head off the whines. It also lets me know if they are truly on board. If the whines begin in the car when I say "nuggets only, no toys" and they can't stop themselves, I know to head for home.

[Cera]

Very little irritates me as much as children crying "I want." In our house they generally get a response of "I want (12 red roses, someone to mop the floors, a trip to Bermuda)." Just a simple acknowledgment that we all want things in life because they really are just making a statement.

 

When we are out and they are demanding we leave. If one is behaving that child stays and eats or gets whatever we were out for and the other sits or stands with me and waits to leave. We have had a few particularly difficult outings but they get it now.

 

The other thing that helped us was an allowance for the 5 year old. She gets $2 a week and can spend it as she wishes. I will only say no if it is something not allowed in our home. It has given her some power to make her own choices which I think is all she was after with her demands. (It will only work if you are willing to let them waste the money and sink themselves a few times though)

[TammyinTN]

When my kids were that age I would just pack up and leave. If we were at McDonalds we would have walked out. If we had ordered the food and they kept whining it would have gone in the trash and out we would have gone.

 

Do it once and believe me your kids will never forget.

 

My children still talk about it. My kids learned very quickly I meant what I said.

 

I've done this with great success as well. Also recently in line one was complaining and we just left and came home to pb&j's. It's my treat and if you abuse it...it simply will not happen.

[Laura Corin]

Adding to the 'don't give in' advice.

 

I never gave in, but I also gave my boys an allowance (very small) from about age 5. That way, if they wanted something they needed to buy it with their own money. I never bought them anything beyond that. The allowance gave them choice and cut me out of the equation.

 

Laura

[lynn]

I've done this with great success as well. Also recently in line one was complaining and we just left and came home to pb&j's. It's my treat and if you abuse it...it simply will not happen.

:iagree: I only had to do this a couple of times, they quickly understood that if they whine, complain, are rude or squabbling even, we were back home. I have had to leave a cart full at walmart once.

[lynn]

For me, setting expectations (mine and theirs) up front really helps. I let the kiddos know when it's a happy meal day and when it's just a meal day before we go into the restaurant. If we are shopping I let them know if they are allowed to pick out a treat (and the kind or $ amount) or not.

 

We also rehearse the "rules" of any place we are getting ready to enter... sit quietly, walk with me, no running, etc...

 

Knowing we are all on the same page helps head off the whines. It also lets me know if they are truly on board. If the whines begin in the car when I say "nuggets only, no toys" and they can't stop themselves, I know to head for home.

 

I find myself doing this with my 2 younger children. Going over the rules and expectations work well with them.

[AuntPol]

Hugs. I have this issue with my 10 yo dd. I have never given into her. I even asked her the other week "When has this ever worked for you?" and yet she still continues. Our problem is that it works quite well for our neighbor twins down the road, so I think she thinks if she tries a little harder.

 

I am going to try the advice given of putting back what I intended to get anyway.

[babysparkler]

I do, too... and they feed off each other like little symbiotic and/or parasitic creatures whose main goal is to suck the life out of me! :glare: The whining... I hate the whining... and the 'Gimmes...'

 

Yes, they do!

Edited November 14, 2009 by babysparkler

[Susie in CA]

Yes, you make everyone leave even though you some childlren that didn't whine. If you don't, the whiners will continue to whine because they know you will stay to be fair to the others. Ask me how I know!

 

Susie

 

 

I'd love to know how to extinguish this behavior too b/c it is running rampant in our home. And trust me...my kids do NOT get what they want when they whine, beg, yell, cry, etc...EVER. My question is this: What do you do when you have 7 children and most of them are behaving quite well, but the others are complaining? Do you make everyone miss out b/c of the behavior of one? Seems unfair. Or, do you make the one misbehaving suffer by watching everyone else eat, say, McD's while they have nothing b/c of their whining? We always have this problem. We'll be on our way somewhere and somebody acts up. I "want" to turn the van around and go home, but do not want to make all the kids who are behaving suffer the punishment. How do you all handle this?

[Alessandra]

I haven't read all the posts, but I do agree that the low or zero tolerance of whining works well.

 

If we are going to get something, like in a museum shop, I talk with them before we go in, so they know that mom is looking at educational things (buying or just writing down names of products) or that they can each spend, say $2 or less, or nothing, or no junk --- whatever the rules are. Also, before the trip, I remind them to bring any allowance money they might want to use.

 

We do the same in restaurants. I may say that we are going to have water to drink, not lemonade, whatever -- I just make it very clear before we go in. In McDonalds, there was a time when I gave my ds a dollar amount to spend -- as long as he didn't starve himself and expect another complete meal at home, any left-over money was his to keep. We don't do this now, but it was excellent training.

 

We also talk about spoiled brats in movies -- the girl in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Dudley in Harry Potter, etc It helps my kids to step outside themselves and see what this behavior really looks like.

[Katrina J]

Mine are 4 and 7 too. Whilst it really bothers me that my two children who have everything a child needs still want more, I'm a bit sympathetic towards them because advertising is so powerful and manipulative. Advertisers use every bit of research and psychological trickery they can get their hands on to make little (and big) kids think they just have to have all these things and then pester the life out of us until we give in and buy them.

 

I talk to mine about how advertising such as posters and TV commercials try to trick people into wanting things by making them out to be much better than they really are. We talk about how X product looked great on TV and then when we bought it, it wasn't really fun or it broke, or both, and DD7 seems to get it.

 

When DS4 comes with me to do the weekly shopping, I let him choose one treat like a flavoured milk, a ride, a small chocolate in return for not trying to fill the trolley with everything that takes his fancy. I try to avoid commercial television so they're not bombarded with images of all the things they don't have and explain that if we spend all our money on toys and junk food, we won't have enough money left to pay for all the things we need.

[elfgivas]

there are some pro-active rather than reactive things we've done that have made a world of difference for us. it was a gradual process, over the course of a few months.

 

a) we turned off the television. that stopped most whining/wanting/inappropriate talking back within two weeks. we're primates; we learn by imitation, and there isn't much on tv i'd want my children immitating!

 

b) when we grocery shop, they can choose any vegetable that they want and put it in the cart, no questions asked. ditto fresh fruit.

 

c) we went through halloween costumes one year to donate for children who didn't have any. that began our discussion on what "enough" looks like.

 

d) then we went through clothes so that children who didn't have what they neeed could have some". the question was "just how many pairs of jeans does one person need while someone else doesn't have any?"

 

e) we don't eat at places like mcdonalds. they're designed to suck us in....

 

f) we also have had to leave a grocery store once for each child's behavior. they were so astonished, once has been enough.

 

g) when they were younger, i carried little slips of paper with mystery rhymes on them that we read while we waited in line. also, little books.

 

fwiw,

ann

[TXMomof4]

When my kids were that age I would just pack up and leave. If we were at McDonalds we would have walked out. If we had ordered the food and they kept whining it would have gone in the trash and out we would have gone.

 

Do it once and believe me your kids will never forget.

 

My children still talk about it. My kids learned very quickly I meant what I said.

 

 

I agree. We were at the Gap outlet with a GREAT coupon and sale going on. My oldest was in tears because I wouldn't buy her a pair of shoes that she didn't need and weren't part of the shopping list. Nevermind that I had a TON of clothes for her. We plopped everything down on the counter, apologized to the clerk and walked out. Then she really sobbed, but changed her tune quickly after that. She wore her old holey nasty jeans for another month before I'd take her back to the store. I don't expect gushing gratitude, but there will not be pouting and whining because you don't get what you want.

[TXMomof4]

I'd love to know how to extinguish this behavior too b/c it is running rampant in our home. And trust me...my kids do NOT get what they want when they whine, beg, yell, cry, etc...EVER. My question is this: What do you do when you have 7 children and most of them are behaving quite well, but the others are complaining? Do you make everyone miss out b/c of the behavior of one? Seems unfair. Or, do you make the one misbehaving suffer by watching everyone else eat, say, McD's while they have nothing b/c of their whining? We always have this problem. We'll be on our way somewhere and somebody acts up. I "want" to turn the van around and go home, but do not want to make all the kids who are behaving suffer the punishment. How do you all handle this?

 

I do make everyone suffer the punishment. The fact is, they all have acted in an unsavory way at some point. We all have to behave if we're all going to benefit. The child who causes all fun to cease is unpopular with their siblings for a while, but it is a consquence for their behavior as much as missing out on the fun thing. They all know that I mean what I say and there will be a warning given, but if they choose to ignore the warning it's out of my hands at that point.

[Garga]

Thank you, thank you, everyone. There are so many good ideas here that I can implement right away. I'll probably do a little of all of them.

 

No commercials, small allowance, returning items from the cart, making them eat pb&j while everyone else has their McDs, giving them lots and lots of pre-instruction before going to stores, and modeling grateful behavior.

 

I think that was most of the advice. I'll re-read everyone's ideas in case I missed one!

[staceyobu]

'm a bit sympathetic towards them because advertising is so powerful and manipulative. Advertisers use every bit of research and psychological trickery they can get their hands on to make little (and big) kids think they just have to have all these

 

 

It bugs me that they put all of those impulse purchase items (candy and junk toys) at the check out line where I have to stand with my kids for 15 minutes while they ring up our groceries. I try to sit my two year old up on the counter... but they always have a box of something up there as well. I know they need to learn not to touch the stuff... but seriously... stores put that stuff right there because they KNOW frazzled moms stuck there with kids will say "okay" half the time to not have to argue.

[abbeyej]

It bugs me that they put all of those impulse purchase items (candy and junk toys) at the check out line where I have to stand with my kids for 15 minutes while they ring up our groceries. I try to sit my two year old up on the counter... but they always have a box of something up there as well. I know they need to learn not to touch the stuff... but seriously... stores put that stuff right there because they KNOW frazzled moms stuck there with kids will say "okay" half the time to not have to argue.

 

Maybe try thinking of it as inoculations? Each time they see the things that they want and you practice saying "no" and they practice accepting "no" with a good attitude, you're inoculating them against future "I wants". They're learning that it's okay to be told "no" and that life goes one, and that they can be especially thrilled when Mama surprises them with something nice "just because".

 

Yes, it's tough when they're little... But I guarantee the effort that goes in to discouraging *demanding* and whining and into encouraging grateful hearts is well worth the effort.

 

And little chances to practice like this can really be *useful*...

[duckens]

When we go to stores, they start to beg for everything they see and don't seem to understand why they can't have everything.

Loverboy and I have already gotten into some bad habits with dd2.5. She has discovered TV and throws a tantrum when she cannot watch her videos. Likewise, she has started picking out candy at the checkout...and we just kinda play along. We know this is bad, and we are setting ourselves up for more trouble in the future.

 

A few weeks ago, I decided that we needed to stop this sooner rather than later. I printed and laminated some green coupons for dd2.5 that she can earn: 30 minutes of TV money or 25c of store money.

 

Dd2.5 can earn "money" by going potty in the toilet. (Until now, she has had only sporadic interest in going potty on the toilet). She also earns "money" by doing "Learning Poster" (our schoolwork, which consists of counting, alphabet, nursery rhymes, etc: about 20 minutes of work).

 

Just this weekend, dd2.5 has come to understand the connection between TV and the potty. There is no more crying over the TV. Likewise, when she is out of TV money, Loverboy and I include dd with our activities (even though the temptation of 30 more minutes to complete household tasks without a toddler is tremendous!) It has made us closer as a family.

 

When we go to the store, and she wants candy, we innocently ask her, "Did you bring your money?" Oh.....she may not want it as much if she has to pay HER money for it. She knows getting candy or a gumball may mean that she has less TV time at home.

 

There will be no allowance in our household, but there will always be opportunities to earn money, I plan. I wish I could take credit for this philosophy, but I learned it from one of Loverboy's friends.

 

Some suggestions for older kids: washing the family car for $3-$5, fold one basket of laundry for $1, dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping for varied amounts. Even a 4yo could help you clean off a cluttered area by taking things from you as you tell them where they go. Pay them 10c or 25c if they stay until the task is done.

 

There goes the timer: time to turn Scooby Doo off!

[Ester Maria]

Up to certain age children are "ungrateful" by definition - especially toddlers, it's a normal stage of their psychological development. Even moreso, all children, regardless of age, are probably "ungrateful" to an extent until they get their own children and realize what bringing up a child actually means.

 

What worked for us and helped us to overcome the most selfish periods as well as to establish some norms in the future:

1) BE an example. Just talking is not enough, and often it's counter-productive. Little children are excellent at seeing all the nuances adults often fail to see - if they see you indulge yourself and have no control over your own wishes, they will most likely copy that behavior.

2) We didn't allow our daughters to watch TV at all until they were about 5-6 years old except for the bi-weekly or, if we were extra lenient, weekly cartoon after the age of 4, and also not on the regular basis until they were 9-10 ("regular basis" meaning more than once a week and for not-educational purposes, and being allowed to have certain things they follow on TV). We didn't want them to copy certain behavior they could be exposed to there, and there was also the issue of commercials.

3) Prevention: we avoided taking them shopping with us, i.e. we did it rarely enough and, if possible, away from the big malls (where they can see negative type of behavior much more), to prevent the influence.

4) Tell them in advance what they can get, or give them small allowances and allow them to choose something.

5) The moment you notice the initial stage of dramatizing over some item, look at the child straight in the eyes and quietly say something relatively gentle, yet cutting enough to make them stop before they even properly started. I said a few times something simple like, "I'm surprised with you" and it worked for both my daughters. I never had to resort to leaving the place, though that would have been my next step.

Also, don't rub it in afterwards, especially if they did stop when asked this way. Ignore that anything happened.

6) From time to time, when you see they really want something and don't dramatize, but long for it silently or ask politely, just surprise them and buy it. They're not robots either, and they're your kids after all, sometimes making them happy should be a priority rather than enforcing some rules. But make sure those are exceptions.

 

I realize that some people have different education strategies, but I'm really not into passing onto children the guilt for having things either (by forcing and overemphasizing compassion with those who don't, you do create the guilt). I'm not talking about fulfilling every fit your children have - that's plain stupid - but if you can afford something they wish, which won't harm them, and if they're generally good kids, I find it cruel not to afford things simply to impose some "rules" or "compassion with those who don't have" and such moral lessons. I know people who have nice accounts in a few banks, lots of real estate and live really well and who purposely buy cheaper chocolate to their kids, or, when they grow up, purposely make their life more difficult (by, for example, not helping with providing an apartment or financing stays abroad for studies, or not helping with the initial capital needed to start a business, etc.), all because they want to teach a "moral lesson" - I really find that disgusting. I mean, why force your children to live worse than they objectively can? (By that logic, we shouldn't school them either because there are many children out there who don't have an opportunity to get education.)

That's already off-topic, but the language used in this thread - "gratefulness" etc - always makes me remember those particular examples of parents who behave that way.

[KAR120C]

I agree with almost everything that's been said, but I have one more suggestion.

 

From about that age (5 or 6?), DS and I had a deal that we plan our shopping before we leave the house. If he wants something, he needs to tell me when I'm making the list, and not in the store. If he wants something when we get there that he didn't know he wanted UNTIL WE GOT THERE (grrr), except in the rare case that we actually forgot something we honestly intended, I have two responses. First, we'll discuss putting that on our list next time but we're not getting it today. And second: When exactly did this suddenly become a need? We retrace our steps and figure out just when this "need" for whatever it is suddenly popped into his head unbidden.

 

For quite a few months, every time we parked outside a store we'd go through the same routine: We have our list. We know what we need. Is there anything you can think of that you need that isn't on this list. Nothing? Okay, what could possibly happen between here and the door that could change that? So you just let me know as soon as you think you need something and we'll see what happened.

 

And when (almost inevitably, when we first started this) he suddenly "needed" something in the store, my question was always "what changed since the car?" I mean, it's never that he scraped his knee and needed a bandaid, right? So it didn't take long for him to figure out that that feeling of needing something had been conjured up by clever marketing.

 

The payoff for DS is that I tend to be very generous with letting him add stuff to the shopping list ahead of time. That never descended to whining (maybe because there's no particular urgency of time?), just "oh you know what I'd like" or "you know what we've not had in a while?" and if the budget allows, I'm generally happy to put it on the list. And if the budget doesn't allow (or if I just don't want sloppy joes for supper again...), he's fine with that -- it's a reasonable give and take.

 

Toys were more complicated (involving allowance, birthday wish lists, etc.) but for the little things that would normally be whined after this plan pretty much covered it.

[eternalknot]

What do you do when you have 7 children and most of them are behaving quite well, but the others are complaining? Do you make everyone miss out b/c of the behavior of one? Seems unfair.

 

We didn't go out often, but this is what my mother did with us. We were much more afraid of getting "in trouble" with our siblings than we were of getting in trouble by mom. It did seem unfair, especially at the time; but it was effective, especially in a large sibling set (as opposed to just 1-2 siblings).

 

Or, do you make the one misbehaving suffer by watching everyone else eat, say, McD's while they have nothing b/c of their whining? We always have this problem. We'll be on our way somewhere and somebody acts up. I "want" to turn the van around and go home, but do not want to make all the kids who are behaving suffer the punishment. How do you all handle this?

 

This is what I do when I have my neices and nephews, or my kids' friends. It seems more appropriate and effective given that all of the kids aren't siblings. It feels a little bit like shaming, which makes me a bit uncomfortable, but it brings the message home. I think it gives them a concrete understanding of the issue, rather than an abstract "fine, we're going home" ... while also keeping the kid focused on who actually is responsible for the change in plans (can't twist it and blame Mom for turning the car around; instead, the kid would -ideally- realize that only one person can be blamed).

[st_claire]

I agree with the "did you bring your money?" idea. I think allowance is very useful for these situations. Give them each a certain amount a week. When they want something you can always say "sure!" because they pay not you. You will find they want much less when it is their money.

[Audrey]

My boys are 4 and 7 and are starting to become ungrateful and demanding.

 

For example:

 

At McD's: we were going to order 10 nuggets to share. They howled and whined because they wanted a happy meal for the toy.

 

For example:

 

When we go to stores, they start to beg for everything they see and don't seem to understand why they can't have everything.

 

For example:

 

Mom-mom likes to take them out to eat, and recently they've been very demanding about what they want. Happy meals and ice cream sundaes, money for the candy machine, and getting slightly obnoxious about it, until I step in and tell them to knock it off.

 

I can speak firmly to them and stop them from asking and I can demand that they stop whining and they will comply. But I want it to go beyond that. I want to get to the root of the problem and stop them from feeling so entitled to things and to be more content with what they have.

 

This has been happening only recently (past month or so). They haven't always been this whiny and demanding for things. I don't think we've changed anything in our household, so I'm not sure where it's coming from.

 

Any suggestions on how to get kids to be content with what they have?

 

 

I kind of recall that stuff around that age with ds. Maybe it's one of those stages. My method for handling it is simply to quote the Stones...

 

"You can't always get what you want."

 

On the issue of demanding certain foods, I just tried to remind him of healthy eating choices and that McD's and sundaes and candies are occasional treats, not regular meal fare.

 

Also, I'm not afraid to admit that I channel my mother sometimes and say "you do realize there are children in this world who haven't had a scrap of food in days who would be ever so grateful to be sitting in your seat right now."

[eternalknot]

 

Any suggestions on how to get kids to be content with what they have?

 

They need to see that you sometimes go without, for THEIR sake.

 

We were poor when I was younger; there were days the older kids wouldn't eat because they were making sure the younger ones could. My baby sister grew up in affluence, a totally different world than the one I was raised in. She was such a brat! But part of that was because she had no frame of reference - she wasn't even born when we were so poor. By the time we were all grown with kids of our own, she was just starting elementary school. She felt entitled to so many things. She had to see how the Other Half lived before she could truly appreciate how good she actually had it. We had to give her a frame of reference ... a gauge.

 

Whether it's big or small, contentedness is something I firmly believe needs to be taught/learned. It's not instinctive.

 

I teach my kids by engaging the family in regular service projects - our pet project is a local school for homeless kids. We're always soliciting donations, visiting the shelter, and really exposing my kids to the realities that other kids face. My kids still whine, but they (now) realize how ridiculous they sound whining for a cheapo Happy Meal toy when the kid we played with yesterday at the shelter can't even afford a toothbrush selling for that same $1. It's a work in progress, always.

 

I also have my kids forfeit one of their own Christmas gifts, and sponsor a kid their age from the Angel trees. The money I'd have spent, I give to them to spend on this other child. We do this for their birthdays, too (buy and donate toys to the shelter with money taken from their Bday Gift fund). I started young so they've never known differently (else they might whine about that, too!)

 

My goal with these efforts is to give them a gauge of how much they have, not just materialistically but that's easiest to focus on at the younger ages. Once they concretely see what they don't have, they tend to better appreciate what they DO have.

[Audrey]

I haven't read all the posts, but I do agree that the low or zero tolerance of whining works well.

.

 

 

Yes! This is another place where I channel my mom. When ds whines I say "I cannot hear you when you whine" and I will walk away. It is incredibly effective.

 

My brother and I rarely whined or when we did and mom said that, we straightened up right away. My ds rarely whines either, but that little reminder gets his attitude straightened out tout de suite.

[ChristusG]

As far as the "gimmes" in the store, I try to curb that by a warning before entering the store..."We're only buying what's on the list and nothing else today."

 

Also, DD5 receives an allowance for chores, helping, good behavior, etc. It has REALLY helped with the "gimmes." I just tell her that she has money, and if she wants something, she must purchase it. And if she does not have enough, she can save for it. It has really really helped.

 

Another thing that really helps is telling her we will put it on her Christmas list or birthday list. She's always walking through the store and saying "Mommy, can you remember to put that on my list?"

 

Thankfully, we do not have too much trouble with the gimmes in the store.

[asta]

I have two things:

 

The first, which I actually started quite young (I have a nasty habit of introducing concepts too early), was to ask kid "where is the lie in this advertisement?" Every marketing campaign has a lie - where is it? It became a game, and now wherever we go, he doesn't really look at "things" as "hey, I want that" but rather "how are 'they' trying to get me to want that?" It pretty much eliminated whining.

 

The second was told to me by a man I knew who came from a large family. There were, I think, 9 or 11 kids in his family, and his mom was raising them all by herself. She (obviously) had to run an extremely tight ship. She had (according to him) very loving but inflexible rules about how the family would operate. This was for their safety and security. They had very little money, and she had to make sure that everyone had "enough".

 

So this is how it "went": the first time one of the kids blatantly disobeyed her, she took their favorite toy outside to the sidewalk and smashed it to smithereens with a baseball bat in front of the kid.

 

He said not a single one of them ever stepped out of line again, though each kid had to learn the lesson for themselves (every kid thought it couldn't possibly happen to them :glare:).

 

******

 

What I found interesting about this story was that, in relaying it to someone a year or so ago (I personally think it is a fabulous story), the parent exclaimed "but you can't just DO that! What if it was something expensive, like a PS2 or something?"

 

I just shook my head. They were never going to "get" it, and their kid was already a brat.

 

 

a

[iammommy]

They are acting perfectly normal. They're kids, and kids are selfish and want everything. It doesn't mean they're ungrateful, necessarily.

 

I have always reminded my 10 year old before we go into "trouble areas" LOL, like Target, of the rule we have. In fact I make him repeat it out loud to me. Somehow that makes it more real for him. For example, "I can look at things but we are not buying them." If he protests, I keep a very calm manner and just move on with what we're doing. I learned a looong time ago that the more annoyed I acted, the more punitive I was, the more it would escalate. And of course, I use lots of praise, telling him how hard it must have been not to ask for the new Wii game he looked at, and how proud I am of him, etc. This seems to work for us.

 

If on some rare occasion he would beg for something, we'd simply leave the store, with an explanation of why we were leaving. Yes, when he was young I left a full grocery cart at the checkout line and sent DH in to pay for it (all over a Spiderman lunchbox! LOL).

 

They're not rejecting the values you're teaching them. They're just being kids.

 

HTH!

 

Nan