Jump to content

Menu
Giving You and Your Child a Road Map to the Best Possible Education
The Well-Trained Mind Community

Today stinks for 5 distinct reasons

saraha

By saraha,
in The Chat Board

 Share

Recommended Posts

saraha

saraha

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I honestly thought this season of life would be different. I know I’m just supposed to do the next thing, deal with the hand I’m dealt and not shoulda woulda coulda, but honestly today feels like my people are actively working against me. It’ll be fine tomorrow I’m sure, but for Pete’s sake, I need a real break. Like break from reality break. 🙄🤦‍♀️

Edited by saraha
  • Like 7
  • Sad 17
Link to comment
Share on other sites
chocolate-chip chooky

chocolate-chip chooky

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, saraha said:

I honestly thought this season of life would be different. I know I’m just supposed to do the next thing, deal with the hand I’m dealt and not shoulda woulda coulda, but honestly today feels like my people are actively working against me. It’ll be fine tomorrow I’m sure, but for Pete’s sake, I need a real break. Like break from reality break. 🙄🤦‍♀️

I sometimes have days/weeks where I feel like I need a holiday from being myself. 

I hope this passes soon. Thinking of you 🌻

  • Like 6
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
saraha

saraha

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

And now I’ve got sil In my face. She and I texted off and on while I was at fils doing food today. I ended up changing my whole days plan to accommodate fil. While he was gone, I had nothing else to do, so I made enough food for the whole week to give the new aid (who has 0 experience caretaking. Her job before this was an electronics factory) I guess later in conversation I said maybe I’d come by to meet her. I’m not sure what fil told sil but I get a text saying I don’t know why you did all that today (yea you do, we texted about it earlier) but I need you to back off. I would appreciate it if you don’t come by tomorrow and give her some space and so she doesn’t feel like we are checking up on her (reasonable, I’ll agree to that) I have given her all the instruction she needs and she just needs to be left alone. I left a notebook there and I will add to it as I see fit. (Um, ok…) Her main concern is focusing on mom.

I gave up my whole afternoon and my plans for the evening, I have been listening to her bellyaching through dh about how much she has to do, I have bit my tongue (except that one time) and instead of saying thanks and by the way, can you wait til Friday to go by? I get back off. Oh sister. I showed it to dh, he tried to down play it. I said I’m not asking for permission and this is a much tamed down version that I sent. It went through much editing 😬I let dh read it, he said, we’ll that sounds restrained, and then he said hang on a second and he pulled out his phone and texted sil he was getting a ride in with dd19 on her way to work.

 

I was just going to let this go knowing sometimes intent is hard to read in a text. But the longer I thought about it, the more I thought it needed a response. I am not sure what you thought my intent was, but I went to your dads today like I do every Monday to clean out the fridge (thinking dharma wouldn’t know what was old and what wasn’t) and make sure they had lunch and dinner.  When I got there I found your dad all upset. Upset that your mom was giving him trouble, he couldn’t find his keys, he didn’t know if his part was ready and wanting to just GO. I helped him find the number of the place he wanted and then offered to stay with your mom for a few hours, changing my plans, while he went so he could get a break and your mom wouldn’t have to go. I made their lunch and dinner. Your mom absolutely did not want to engage with me and I had nothing else to do but wait. So I made more food thinking that would be one less thing for dharma to worry about getting used to the job. I did mention coming by to meet her. Not to instruct her, not to give her any orders, not to do anything other than meet her because I never had before. There was no intent behind it at all. 
I absolutely will give dharma space and not go to meet her, but my intention was to make her first week easier to focus on her main concern- focusing on your mom.  
It sounds to me from your text that you either think, or already feel, that I am overstepping, and I’m sure that must be uncomfortable and I am sorry about that. I will try to make sure that I don’t do anything to make you feel that way again and I absolutely acknowledge you are 100% in charge. 
If you ever do want or need help with something, I’ll just wait until you ask.

It’s been a half hour and no response 🤷🏼‍♀️

Edited by saraha
  • Like 2
  • Confused 1
  • Sad 13
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Grace Hopper

Grace Hopper

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, saraha said:

And now I’ve got sil In my face. She and I texted off and on while I was at fils doing food today. I ended up changing my whole days plan to accommodate fil. While he was gone, I had nothing else to do, so I made enough food for the whole week to give the new aid (who has 0 experience caretaking). I guess later in conversation I said maybe I’d come by to meet her. I’m not sure what fil told sil but I get a text saying I don’t know why you did all that today (yea you do, we texted about it earlier) but I need you to back off. I would appreciate it if you don’t come by tomorrow and give her some space and so she doesn’t feel like we are checking up on her (reasonable, I’ll agree to that) I have given her all the instruction she needs and she just needs to be left alone. I left a notebook there and I will add to it as I see fit. (Um, ok…) Her main concern is focusing on mom.

I gave up my whole afternoon and my plans for the evening, I have been listening to her bellyaching through dh about how much she has to do, I have bit my tongue (except that one time) and instead of saying thanks and by the way, can you wait til Friday to go by? I get back off. Oh sister. I showed it to dh, he tried to down play it. I said I’m not asking for permission and this is a much tamed down version that I sent. It went through much editing 😬I let dh read it, he said, we’ll that sounds restrained, and then he said hang on a second and he pulled out his phone and texted sil he was getting a ride in with dd19 on her way to work.

 

I was just going to let this go knowing sometimes intent is hard to read in a text. But the longer I thought about it, the more I thought it needed a response. I am not sure what you thought my intent was, but I went to your dads today like I do every Monday to clean out the fridge (thinking dharma wouldn’t know what was old and what wasn’t) and make sure they had lunch and dinner.  When I got there I found your dad all upset. Upset that your mom was giving him trouble, he couldn’t find his keys, he didn’t know if his part was ready and wanting to just GO. I helped him find the number of the place he wanted and then offered to stay with your mom for a few hours, changing my plans, while he went so he could get a break and your mom wouldn’t have to go. I made their lunch and dinner. Your mom absolutely did not want to engage with me and I had nothing else to do but wait. So I made more food thinking that would be one less thing for dharma to worry about getting used to the job. I did mention coming by to meet her. Not to instruct her, not to give her any orders, not to do anything other than meet her because I never had before. There was no intent behind it at all. 
I absolutely will give dharma space and not go to meet her, but my intention was to make her first week easier to focus on her main concern- focusing on your mom.  
It sounds to me from your text that you either think, or already feel, that I am overstepping, and I’m sure that must be uncomfortable and I am sorry about that. I will try to make sure that I don’t do anything to make you feel that way again and I absolutely acknowledge you are 100% in charge. 
If you ever do want or need help with something, I’ll just wait until you ask.

It’s been a half hour and no response 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ok now stick to this! Make her ask you directly - maybe ask dh if she contacts him about stuff she wants you to do, his programmed response should be “you’ll have to ask saraha about that.”

I think you were quite restrained, much nicer response than I’d have made!

Really though, if you want to meet the girl, pop in and meet her. She would probably like to see your smiling face to associate it with a name she might need to call on in an emergency. Five minutes, that’s not checking up on her. Your control freak sil will just have to get over it. 
 

Otherwise, though, I would not do anything else. If your sil does actually contact you directly, you don’t have to say yes to whatever she asks. Just tell her you can’t, your schedule is full. 
 

And I’m sorry you’re having one of those pressure cooker sort of days. Hoping tomorrow will be brighter for you. 

  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites
saraha

saraha

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Ok now stick to this! Make her ask you directly - maybe ask dh if she contacts him about stuff she wants you to do, his programmed response should be “you’ll have to ask saraha about that.”

I think you were quite restrained, much nicer response than I’d have made!

Really though, if you want to meet the girl, pop in and meet her. She would probably like to see your smiling face to associate it with a name she might need to call on in an emergency. Five minutes, that’s not checking up on her. Your control freak sil will just have to get over it. 
 

Otherwise, though, I would not do anything else. If your sil does actually contact you directly, you don’t have to say yes to whatever she asks. Just tell her you can’t, your schedule is full. 
 

And I’m sorry you’re having one of those pressure cooker sort of days. Hoping tomorrow will be brighter for you. 

She’ll probably never ask for anything now, because now she can add me to her woe is me, at least I hope

Edited by saraha
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Scarlett

Scarlett

Posted
Posted

I am so angry on your behalf.  Good grief, what is wrong with her!  Please know it is her, not you.  I have SILs who live with my MIL and neither of them would EVER speak to me like that for any reason, but especially not if I was in the middle of actively helping their mother. 
 

I would be doing nothing.That might be the wrong response and attitude, but I would back all the way up and do nothing to help.  
 

She is a jerk.  

  • Like 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Scarlett

Scarlett

Posted
Posted
23 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Ok now stick to this! Make her ask you directly - maybe ask dh if she contacts him about stuff she wants you to do, his programmed response should be “you’ll have to ask saraha about that.”

I think you were quite restrained, much nicer response than I’d have made!

Really though, if you want to meet the girl, pop in and meet her. She would probably like to see your smiling face to associate it with a name she might need to call on in an emergency. Five minutes, that’s not checking up on her. Your control freak sil will just have to get over it. 
 

Otherwise, though, I would not do anything else. If your sil does actually contact you directly, you don’t have to say yes to whatever she asks. Just tell her you can’t, your schedule is full. 
 

And I’m sorry you’re having one of those pressure cooker sort of days. Hoping tomorrow will be brighter for you. 

Agree that you don’t need SIL permission to meet a caregiver to your MIL.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Ok now stick to this! Make her ask you directly - maybe ask dh if she contacts him about stuff she wants you to do, his programmed response should be “you’ll have to ask saraha about that.”

I think you were quite restrained, much nicer response than I’d have made!

Really though, if you want to meet the girl, pop in and meet her. She would probably like to see your smiling face to associate it with a name she might need to call on in an emergency. Five minutes, that’s not checking up on her. Your control freak sil will just have to get over it. 
 

Otherwise, though, I would not do anything else. If your sil does actually contact you directly, you don’t have to say yes to whatever she asks. Just tell her you can’t, your schedule is full. 
 

And I’m sorry you’re having one of those pressure cooker sort of days. Hoping tomorrow will be brighter for you. 

This.

What a nasty, ugly way to treat you.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites
freesia

freesia

Posted
Posted (edited)

Wow, you are much nicer than I would have been and I can be too nice. She was blatantly rude to you. I think you should go meet Dharma whenever you want. Go tomorrow even though you said you wouldn’t.  I would have texted her, “no, seriously, you back off.” So I am impressed with your restraint. You don’t need to tip toe around her. She doesn’t have real power over you. 
 

Sorry about your people working against you. 😞

Edited by freesia
  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

Posted
Posted
34 minutes ago, saraha said:

Maybe this craptastic day was just setting me up to get her text and finally tell her something and do it not seeking dh’s approval. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it's absolutely fine to tell her something without dh's approval. You're a grownup and so is she. There's no need for an intermediary.

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites
saraha

saraha

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Yeah, he asked if I wanted him to say something, but I said not this time. I’ll say what I have to say. He kind of stood there for a long time, but then walked away. I did let him see it before I sent it, but when I handed it to him I said this is just so you know what I said, I’m not asking for editing. His response was well, this sounds restrained. Guess I’ve lost him getting a ride two days a week…

Sje hasn’t responded to me or dh. I figure she probably sent the text then went to bed. Guess she’ll see it in the morning 

Edited by saraha
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Rebel

Rebel

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, saraha said:

Yeah, he asked if I wanted him to say something, but I said not this time. I’ll say what I have to say. He kind of stood there for a long time, but then walked away. I did let him see it before I sent it, but when I handed it to him I said this is just so you know what I said, I’m not asking for editing. His response was well, this sounds restrained. Guess I’ve lost him getting a ride two days a week…

Sje hasn’t responded to me or dh. I figure she probably sent the text then went to bed. Guess she’ll see it in the morning 

OMG!! She is such a *itch!!!

  • Like 6
  • Thanks 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
saraha

saraha

Posted
  • Author
Posted
15 minutes ago, Hannah said:

She'd honestly do that?? Wow, a new low.

 

15 minutes ago, Hannah said:

She'd honestly do that?? Wow, a new low.

I don’t know, but he canceled with her for tomorrow morning. Either to avoid conflict with her, or support me, not sure which

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites
saraha

saraha

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

This morning I got I was just aggravated because I told you not to make any menu plans and you cooked food anyway. She grew up with a mother who mentally abused her and I didn’t want her to think we didn’t think she could handle the job. I appreciate all the meals you made. I texted her and told her you made meals to help her get started but she can do whatever she wants, she said she would use them thank you. Sorry to upset you. Love you.

I don’t even know what to think about this. 

Edited by saraha
  • Like 5
  • Confused 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
fraidycat

fraidycat

Posted
Posted

I don't think you went off half cocked at all. SIL needs to be put in her place regularly. Maybe she'd learn to act like a regular human with those lessons.

You also do not need permission from her to drop in on your ILs and meet the caretaker any dang time you please.

More hugs about the other stuff and having people work against you.

  • Like 9
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

Posted
Posted

On the one hand, it’s good she apologized. Take that as a plus.

On the other hand it’s a big sorry-not-sorry. Would have been better without the big elaborate explanation of how you really actually messed up by cooking. 

In your shoes I would just move on without comment and keep standing up for yourself when the drama happens. Because it will. But stating the truth as you did is a power move and much needed. 

  • Like 12
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Grace Hopper

Grace Hopper

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, saraha said:

This morning I got I was just aggravated because I told you not to make any menu plans and you cooked food anyway. She grew up with a mother who mentally abused her and I didn’t want her to think we didn’t think she could handle the job. I appreciate all the meals you made. I texted her and told her you made meals to help her get started but she can do whatever she wants, she said she would use them thank you. Sorry to upset you. Love you.

I don’t even know what to think about this. 

I think your sis was taken aback by the kindness in your response and had to come up with something. Not saying she’s lying, but perhaps grasping at straws to cover her behavior. She could have easily shared this info with you instead of her original bitchy “back off” message.

In your shoes, I would not even reply to this. She’s likely expecting a very cowed response from you, I wouldn't give her the pleasure of that. Just leave it. And don’t do anything else unless asked. 

  • Like 15
Link to comment
Share on other sites
BusyMom5

BusyMom5

Posted
Posted

I think she knows she came off as a total B and is trying to save face.  Seriously- she was mad you HELPED MAKE HOMEMADE DINNERS!!!!!  It has nothing to do with dinners or the new helper.   She's actually very jealous that you are a nice, caring, wonderful DIL.  

FWIW,  my dad's sister is often the same way with my mom.  My parents care for my grandparents and aunt is always sticking her nose in.  She can't or won't help, causes more issues when she tries, but she's jealous any time anyone looks at my mom with thanks.  It's a tale as old as time- it's been going on since they married.   It carried over to me and my siblings vs her kids, too.  The jealousy isn't toward physical things, it's jealously towards anyone thinking well of my mom or their kids.  My parents deal with it differently than you and your DH are.  My Dad sides with my mom 1000000% and the ignore her!  Like they do exactly what they want to HELP MY GRANDPARENTS.   That includes meals, home repairs, Dr visits, etc.  And the both just ignore my aunt.  As an adult grandchild, I find her behavior so childish- its predictable,  like your SIL.  I think on some level she knows it, but she can't break out of the pattern.  She also talks Mt grandma into giving her stuff now- like jewelry- because she's the " only daughter" and she doesn't want us to have them.  She took quilts my great grandma hand pieced..... then donated them!!!!!!  Nothing to do with wanting those things- she doesn't want ME to have them. 

I see much of this when I read about your SIL.  She wants to be the boss, the martyr, get glory for helping and be able to say she's so alone in all this.  It's messed up.  

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 2
  • Sad 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
forty-two

forty-two

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, saraha said:

This morning I got I was just aggravated because I told you not to make any menu plans and you cooked food anyway. She grew up with a mother who mentally abused her and I didn’t want her to think we didn’t think she could handle the job. I appreciate all the meals you made. I texted her and told her you made meals to help her get started but she can do whatever she wants, she said she would use them thank you. Sorry to upset you. Love you.

I don’t even know what to think about this. 

Any reason you can't take it at face value?  She had a plan in her head about how she wanted things to go, you unknowingly did something that messed it up, she yelled at you via text because a) that's how she handles her plans being messed up and/or b) she is stressed out of her mind and snapped, you were taken aback and upset b/c you were just trying to be helpful and responded as much, she realized you had no idea why she was upset and didn't deserve her going off at you, so she responds back with an explanation and (sorta) apology.  Doesn't have to mean more than, "Please don't think I'm an unreasonable b!tch, I had good caring-about-others reasons for freaking out, but I am sorry for going off on you over it".

IDK, it's not like it's uncommon for people to overreact in anger when carefully laid plans are derailed despite their best efforts - it's not good of her, but it's understandable.  Now you know what happened - it wasn't the making of the food itself but that she was worried about upsetting the new hire for complicated backstory reasons you had no way of knowing.  You can respond "Thanks for letting me know" or just move on without comment.  Does mean your closing line of "Won't do things unless you specifically request them" sounds like a reasonable path forward, might even be what she prefers.

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Faith-manor

Faith-manor

Posted
Posted

Saraha, you received a Non-apology apology which is her way of weaseling out of truly acknowledging how she treated you. It is about as much concession as you are likely to get from her. However, this witch needs to receive the consequences of her actions. Do not do anything of any kind again unless she directly asks you, not DH, and she is kind and genuine in the request, not setting you up. And frankly, be very very picky what you choose take on if anything at all. I would be fairly inclined to leave her hanging. She wanted control, micro-control in order to neglect mil who needs a staffed facility, she can take the consequences for seeking it, and everyone else can wallow for supporting this.

You have had far too much on your plate. Her drama is just beyond ridiculous, crappy, and stress inducing so do not feel guilty about washing your hands of the whole situation.

 

  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Scarlett

Scarlett

Posted
Posted (edited)

She is a control freak and I understand plans getting changed making such a person feel upset….. I am glad you called her on it. She does need to be reeled in every so often. 

Edited by Scarlett
  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Grace Hopper

Grace Hopper

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Her having a "good reason" for treating you like her whipping boy doesn't make it your job to be her whipping boy. Her ideas of your social status can go to blazes.

Rosie Rosie Rosie where is your like button???

 

<totally stealing the “go to blazes” line>

  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...