Estranged sister contact update first post

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

deleted original post…

But I wound up not seeing my sister and just continuing on with my plans.  She chose to see my parents, actually, but only to tell my mom she doesn’t want a relationship and only a surface relationship with my dad.  I will grant that the reasons she stated to my parents are legitimate: My mom became a caregiver to her own parents during my sisters teen years and sister felt very neglected, and she was in some ways.  I will also always believe that my mom has overextended herself caring for ill parents with long lasting chronic and debilitating diseases instead of drawing boundaries and telling them to hire 24/7 care or go into a nursing home.  It’s caused her essentially to be estranged from two children now and she has grandchildren she hasn’t met because she can’t travel.  My sister feels that my mom chose her parents over her children and while I agree that’s the case, I’m almost twenty years older than this sibling and understand the generational changes a little better.  My mom comes from a time and place where family was absolutely always cared for at home, but I keep pointing out to her that historically it wasn’t just one person: people had numerous children and grandchildren and nieces and nephews who lived close by, daughters and granddaughters who didn’t work full time and could caregive easier, and neighbor who would come sit with elderly grandma for a few bucks.  There’s none of this support system in my mom’s life aside from a neighbor who comes a few hours three days a week. 
But my sister is almost certainly on the autism spectrum and nuance and theory of mind have always escaped her.  Regardless of all the above, I’m just glad to have side stepped the drama.

Edited May 29, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[prairiewindmomma]

It’s ok. I would communicate that you already have plans, but that you would love it if you could keep in touch and that you hope that sometime you will be able to get together. She may or may not do that, but hopefully a feeling of goodwill will remain.

If seeing you was the priority for her, she would have made plans earlier, iykwim, or she will reschedule.

[CindyH in NC]

I wouldn't change plans at such short notice.  Just let her know you already made plans for the holiday weekend, and those plans include your parents.  

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, she IS only in town for a few days, which would make me want to rearrange what I could to be able to see her.  But I would not be willing to disinvite my other family members.  

My inclination would be to change the date of my Memorial Day event, and invite her to join us then, AND ALSO to see her on Memorial Day.  

That way I would not be disinviting anyone, I could honestly say that I invited her to join in the picnic, and I’d still be able to see her, which sounds like it might be important to move toward a peaceful relationship down the road.  My reasoning would be, this visit of her is both novel and very brief, so I want to try to fit in with it, but also I would not exclude the currently invited based on her issues as I would not want to choose sides.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I forgot to add: two of my children have birthdays next weekend; I work a 24 hour shift on Saturday, and she flies out early afternoon Monday.  I want to see her, but everything I have planned between birthdays and Memorial Day includes my parents, who my kids are close to.

She also is expecting another sibling to drive eight hours round trip with three children to see her. That sister I am very close to and she is a therapist so I am considering leaving all this in her capable hands, but I don’t want to shy away from handling this because it’s hard and I’m massively stressed right now.

Edited May 22, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[scholastica]

I would explain that I have plans and she is welcome to join those plans, but that the parents will be there. She can choose to do what she will with that. I have zero time and patience for someone expecting me to rearrange my life at the last minute.

[maize]

I very much value sibling bonds, so I would try hard to not burn bridges with her.

But I also think you don't need to re-arrange your own plans for her. I'd let her know you have a tight schedule and previous commitments for that weekend, but that you would very much love to see her at another time.

Whether you want to share your specific plans and extend an invitation to the gathering that includes your parents is up to you.

[purpleowl]

Maybe you could do breakfast with her on Monday? Or offer to take her to the airport? Not sure if either of those would work with the other things you have going on.

Otherwise, I would tell her she's welcome to come to what's planned but between work, kids' birthdays, and existing plans that include your parents, you're not seeing a way to squeeze anything else in. I'd make it clear that you're glad to hear from her, and maybe offer to schedule a phone or video call for after she's back home so you can spend some time catching up.

[Carol in Cal.]

OK, with the extra information, I’d call her and say that I’m dying to see her, that I hope she will join us even though our parents are there, and that unfortunately my work schedule militates against changing my plans to arrange a separate visit during her brief trip.

I’d urge her to come and just keep her distance from your mom if she bothers her so much.

Honestly, I think it is unreasonable to arrive for a holiday and expect everyone not to have plans already just a week beforehand.

[catz]

It's fine.  This is a last minute communication and it doesn't work for you on several levels.  Just decline and say you have plans and forget about it.   Your long shift on Saturday and notification about this a week before (!?) is MORE than enough reason.  Seriously, don't give it another thought.

[Katy]

Leave it up to your therapist sister, or invite them all to join you & your parents. She’s a Christian adult, she needs to forgive & move on unless there’s a bunch of abuse you don’t know about. 

Edited May 23, 2023 by Katy
ON not in.

[ScoutTN]

30 minutes ago, catz said:

It's fine.  This is a last minute communication and it doesn't work for you on several levels.  Just decline and say you have plans and forget about it.   Your long shift on Saturday and notification about this a week before (!?) is MORE than enough reason.  Seriously, don't give it another thought.

This.

[saraha]

2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

Is it wrong that I really just don’t want to see her? I want to leave communication open though, but my kids are looking forward to spending Monday with their grandparents and that’s the day she wants to get together

Nope, not wrong that you don’t want to see her. It doesn’t sound like she is taking anyone else into consideration at all. And like she wants to hurt your parents in the process. I would think most people would text and say, hey I find myself in the are next weekend, anyone available to get together? Rather than make a plan, share it last minute and expect people to do it.

If I really did want to visit, I would totally share how busy my weekend is with her and ask when she can fit in there

Edited May 22, 2023 by saraha

[Faith-manor]

2 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

OK, with the extra information, I’d call her and say that I’m dying to see her, that I hope she will join us even though our parents are there, and that unfortunately my work schedule militates against changing my plans to arrange a separate visit during her brief trip.

I’d urge her to come and just keep her distance from your mom if she bothers her so much.

Honestly, I think it is unreasonable to arrive for a holiday and expect everyone not to have plans already just a week beforehand.

I agree with this. She should never have thought she could visit for such a short period of time on such short notice, and everyone would be able to upend their schedules and make it work. To be honest, I suspect it was engineered this way. She doesn't sound heavily invested in actually wanting to see you, and putting the restriction that the parents must not be around wad a way to guarantee that she probably would not see you since it is a holiday and plans would have already been made. My brother does this. He pats himself on the back saying he "wanted" to see his sons, then passes through their area with less than an hour's notice, sends a text asking if they can emet, and then when it inevitably is not possible, claims to his friends that he is a good dad who wants to spend time with his kids, but they are ungrateful children who done take the time. 🙄🙄🙄 

Don't let it get you down, Tiggy. And it is okay to not want to accommodate the last minute request. Focus on your kids and immediate family.

[City Mouse]

I try not to get in the middle of problems between my siblings and my mom. I would do as several above have suggested. Tell her already have plans and she is welcome to come but that parents are also invited.

With such short notice, she had to suspect that somebody would have already made plans for that time.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Apparently she is coming up for a baby shower Sunday evening.  Since this requires a flight and car rental, I expect it’s been planned for quite some time.

Strangely my therapist sister tells me that estranged young sister called my parents for the first time in two years and asked them to meet her at a park. But she doesn’t want to see them at anything with her siblings.

She is very young—college aged if she had chosen to go to college.  And has been easily influenced. I don’t know how to say this nicely, but this particular sibling isn’t one who would consider a holiday weekend might mean that people have made plans.

Edited May 22, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Lecka]

I think it’s appropriate for you to prioritize what is least disruptive for your own kids, and it would be disruptive to you and then to her to disrupt your plans.  
 

I think that’s a fair way to decide.  Not the only answer but a fair one.

 

I think it was nicer for her to decide to reach out like this, than to not reach out and have you hear later she saw your parents and went to a baby shower.  
 

 

[-----]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

I agree with this. She should never have thought she could visit for such a short period of time on such short notice, and everyone would be able to upend their schedules and make it work. To be honest, I suspect it was engineered this way. She doesn't sound heavily invested in actually wanting to see you, and putting the restriction that the parents must not be around wad a way to guarantee that she probably would not see you since it is a holiday and plans would have already been made. My brother does this. He pats himself on the back saying he "wanted" to see his sons, then passes through their area with less than an hour's notice, sends a text asking if they can emet, and then when it inevitably is not possible, claims to his friends that he is a good dad who wants to spend time with his kids, but they are ungrateful children who done take the time. 🙄🙄🙄 

Don't let it get you down, Tiggy. And it is okay to not want to accommodate the last minute request. Focus on your kids and immediate family.

I know someone who does this.  I call it 'their wanting to get credit for their supposed intentions vs actually doing the thing'. 🤨

 

And I'm another who thinks you, OP, should go ahead with your plans and let the sister do whatever she thinks is best for her.

[freesia]

Well, your question is am I wrong not to want to get together. Under the circumstances, I do not think you are. If you’d asked what I would do—I would meet her for breakfast or coffee if I could. I wouldn’t do a whole family thing bc there’s already a lot going on. But I would chalk her late notice to her youth and try to meet her for an hour or two. But it’s not wrong or bad if you don’t. 

[maize]

28 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

 

She is very young—college aged if she had chosen to go to college.  And has been easily influenced. I don’t know how to say this nicely, but this particular sibling isn’t one who would consider a holiday weekend might mean that people have made plans.

A couple of my siblings went through rather warped-and-narrow-perspective periods around that age and were more than a tad prickly to maintain any relationship with.

Maturity and experience worked wonders and we have great relationships now.

May the same be true for your family!

[Carol in Cal.]

It sounds like she has something private that she wants to say to your parents, and she would like to get that done and not have to deal with any fall out in person.  In which case, making sure she knows she is welcome along with your parents is ideal.  And, you might mention that your inlaws will be there so you think everyone will be on their best behavior so as not to air dirty linen in public.  That might make her willing to at least stop by for a quick hug and a soda.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

7 minutes ago, maize said:

A couple of my siblings went through rather warped-and-narrow-perspective periods around that age and were more than a tad prickly to maintain any relationship with.

Maturity and experience worked wonders and we have great relationships now.

May the same be true for your family!

I was almost an adult when she was born, and my early 20s were spent being pretty prickly and angry at my parents too.

Getting married and having three kids in less than five years gave me a lot of grace towards my parents. 

I don’t believe there was any abuse. We had incredibly different parents. I was the oldest, born when my parents were young 20s, poor and stressed, and grew up in poverty, over sheltered, homeschooled on the fringes of a fundie world. The stress did lead to a lot of screaming and spanking, things that wouldn’t have been considered abusive in the 80s but would be now.

My sister was born the youngest to wealthy parents who had a lot of margin , had left formal church and fundie-ism, and basically gave her everything she wanted and I am positive never so much as yelled at her. They literally still deposit cash into her bank account(she’s never taken them off the savings account they made her when she was a child) on her birthday and Christmas. I freely admit to having moments where if anyone should be angry, it should be me.

But kids and my 40s have mellowed me out quite a bit.

[sweet2ndchance]

In your shoes, with the details you have provided, I absolutely would not upend my plans to accommodate hers. I would tell her like the others have said, that you have plans that you would happily include her in but the parents and your inlaws will be there. Sibling or not, she doesn't get to upend your kids' birthday celebration. That is my line in the sand. And I will stubbornly and selfishly stand my ground against anyone where kiddos are concerned without an ounce of guilt. 😉

[SKL]

I'd probably suggest carving out an hour to have coffee somewhere or go for a hike in the metroparks.

I would not cancel or shorten the multi-generational gathering that I'd planned.

[gardenmom5]

Remind her next weekend is Memorial Day Weekend.  Many family events.

I'd inform her of, and invite her to, the picnic that you have already planned and at which everyone else will be at.  Then I'd end it with, you understand if she doesn't want to come because your parents have already been invited to it, but she's welcome anyway.   
 

[Lecka]

Honestly I guess I have been that person who goes somewhere and didn’t make plans well and didn’t have time to see everyone.

 

I don’t agree with the level of saying who can be there and who can’t, but she didn’t know there were already plans with parents.  
 

 

I think it would be very gracious to just not make a big deal about it and let her know your situation.  

 

I have also been that person who didn’t think ahead that it would be rude to neglect seeing someone and then realize very late that it would be hurtful to be nearby with zero notice.

 

But definitely I don’t think there is ANY reason for the op to jump through hoops of any kind.  There’s no need to do that.  Meet your own needs and your kids’ needs.  It’s good.  
 

Maybe this is a learning opportunity for the sister to realize she should make better plans and/or be loss bossy.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her having that learning experience.  
 

If she leaves and realizes she missed seeing people, maybe she will come back for a longer visit sometime with better plans.  That would be an ideal outcome and I hope it’s the likely outcome, too!

 

 

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

She hasn’t visited in three years and I think I’ve had two text messages from her in that time.  My parents literally didn’t even know what state she was living in.  
Thinking back on it, the rift with our parents started when she flew in cross country without really telling anyone and got upset that my mom didn’t spend a lot of time with her—but mom has been caretaking for her own mother for several years and needs to arrange other caregivers several weeks in advance. So I guess there’s a pattern here. 

I truly adored this little sister when she was a kid and I’d take her for the weekend. I had this tiny apartment and made so little money I had food stamps, but we had such a blast together going to the zoo and Chuck E Cheese.  I’d save pennies for weeks just to do that.  I’m sure she remembers none of this, and it doesn’t mean anything, but those were really fun years.

[KungFuPanda]

I’d invite her to the picnic (and everything else) with the parents and leave it on her to decline. I’d also give her the option of visiting me at home in the late evening after my events for the day. Maybe she’d be open to staying with you and seeing you early morning or late at night. But really, she should suck it up and go to the picnic because everyone will be there and it’s already planned. 

[fraidycat]

WWID? 

"I'd love to see you, sis. As you know, it's the holiday weekend so I've already made plans. Parents will be there, but you are welcome to join us at ______. If we can't make it work this time, hopefully we'll have more notice to make it work next time."

I'm too old and tired to turn myself into a pretzel to accomodate everyone else anymore. If it happens, great, if not, that's fine, too. Weekend is already full. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Edited May 23, 2023 by fraidycat

[Lecka]

She might be busy with non-family friends too if she’s in town for a baby shower.

 

One of my sisters had lots of issues with wanting to spend time with her friends when she visited, and having various family members wanting her to attend various events and it was just a mess.  Just a total and complete mess.

 

It should not be the end of the world if someone flies into town for a friend event and doesn’t see every relative.  
 

I honestly believe she visited less over this.  

 

There was more to this situation but a lot of it was just a lack of time for her and a desire to spend time with her friends.  

 

[Eos]

16 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I’m massively stressed right now.

I hope you can get some peace and relief soon.

[Katy]

If she’s that young I’d say, “Oh honey, we’ve had plans for more than six weeks! You’re welcome to come but mom & dad are coming.”

[Hannah]

If you don't mind her joining you in any of your pre-made plans, I'd let her know that "These are our plans for the weekend.  We'd love for you to join us.  Expect to see x, y and z there as well.  Or feel free to join me for a coffee at home while we get ready to go out, or a nightcap when we've put the kids to bed."

[katilac]

On 5/22/2023 at 4:12 PM, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I was almost an adult when she was born, and my early 20s were spent being pretty prickly and angry at my parents too.

Getting married and having three kids in less than five years gave me a lot of grace towards my parents. 

I don’t believe there was any abuse. We had incredibly different parents. I was the oldest, born when my parents were young 20s, poor and stressed, and grew up in poverty, over sheltered, homeschooled on the fringes of a fundie world. The stress did lead to a lot of screaming and spanking, things that wouldn’t have been considered abusive in the 80s but would be now.

My sister was born the youngest to wealthy parents who had a lot of margin , had left formal church and fundie-ism, and basically gave her everything she wanted and I am positive never so much as yelled at her. They literally still deposit cash into her bank account(she’s never taken them off the savings account they made her when she was a child) on her birthday and Christmas. I freely admit to having moments where if anyone should be angry, it should be me.

But kids and my 40s have mellowed me out quite a bit.

This has nothing to do with whether you see her this weekend or not, but you should leave room for the idea that you only have an outside perspective on how she was raised. They could have been incredibly different parents who changed their parenting style, but that doesn't mean your sister didn't have any genuine issues with them. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Update first post

[Carol in Cal.]

Honestly, your sister sounds to me like she is massively overreacting to a legitimate but not nearly that drastic issue.  

Edited May 30, 2023 by Carol in Cal.

[Halftime Hope]

Mrs T, I'm glad you were able to come through this weekend relatively unscathed. 🙂 

 

[fraidycat]

I feel for your mother and your sister sounds like a spoiled, entitled brat. I'm glad you were able to avoid that drama.

[catz]

I don't know why everyone is so quick to jump on the sister.  She is potentially neurodiverse and was neglected during her adolescence and teen years.  I personally think those years are the years that make or break the kind of adult ongoing relationships you will have with your kids and the burden of that should weigh much more heavily with the adults in the room.   There may be incidents and affects she isn't willing or able to talk about.  I do think it is weird she wanted to get together with them just to them them that.  But who knows, maybe she was pressured to make that meeting happen from the parents or other siblings, etc.  She's very young, like college age, correct?  Lots of years for brain cells to fuse yet, who knows.  Maybe she'll develop more perspective over time.  But how many posts have we had here about young adults struggling one way or another.  Early adulthood just can be turbulant.  And that 2 younger offspring walked away might be pretty telling.

But Tiggy, I'm glad you were just able to stay uninvolved and I hope you can continue not to be involved with that drama.  You have more than enough on your plate.  It sounds like it is good she is living away.