Allowing your dc to ride with other teen drivers

[teachermom2834]

Can we discuss this again? I know we have in the past but if anyone wants to again I could use some discussion.

I am more nervous than most about teen drivers but I do allow my teens to get their license at 16 (so far all three boys wanted to and did) and we very slowly unfurl the driving privileges. No hard and fast rules about what is allowed. I reserve the right to say “no” depending on circumstances, weather, time of day, and frankly, my mood. My kids have all had minor fender benders. The only more major event was a deer strike that was totally not the teen driver’s fault. 
 

We have known so many teens to flip and total their cars. We know hardly any kids who made it to their twenties without at least some kind of incident. So I’m very cautious. 
 

As far as allowing our kids to ride with other teen drivers it hasn’t come up a ton. We said no a lot. We said yes sometimes. I usually offered some alternative arrangement I could be more comfortable with. The big kids are 20, 23, and 25 now and I don’t remember the details other than it was always an issue and I was always a nervous wreck. 
 

I know some people are no teen drivers ever for their kids. Others feel like once kids have their license they are pretty comfortable to go anywhere anytime.  Neither of those extremes is going to work for me.

My 9th grade dd is in school and she has 10th grade friends that are driving now. I’m running into this already (as in it has been an issue for us this past week) and it is only going to amp up from here and I’m going to have to get some kind of handle on it. 
 

I’m thinking of allowing some short distances around town today. No interstates, no country roads, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point. 
 

 

[Amy in NH]

Nope.  The other driver has to have had a full year of driving under their belt before I'd allow even trips around town.

[teachermom2834]

Just now, Amy in NH said:

Nope.  The other driver has to have had a full year of driving under their belt before I'd allow even trips around town.

I think that is a good rule of thumb. 
 

 

[almondbutterandjelly]

No, because it's illegal in Texas. 

[regentrude]

Does your state have a graduated driver license that limits newly licensed teens as to underage passengers? That could be a good point to start.

 

 

[ScoutTN]

Right there with you. No answers. We are cautious too.

 

[teachermom2834]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Does your state have a graduated driver license that limits newly licensed teens as to underage passengers? That could be a good point to start.

 

 

They are allowed one passenger I believe. But I really need to check up on that. I will say no one follows the law on that except us. I always made my kids comply with it.

Edited March 18, 2023 by teachermom2834

[teachermom2834]

1 minute ago, ScoutTN said:

Right there with you. No answers. We are cautious too.

 

It is so much stickier than it seems like it should be! Should be so easy to just say no. I’m not generally even a little afraid of being the bad guy or saying no to my teens yet somehow I keep finding myself off balance with this last kid. 

[Ali in OR]

In Oregon, teen drivers can't have a passenger under 20 other than immediate family for the first 6 months after they get their license, and then I think there is a limit on how many can be in the car after that.

I have less trust for male drivers just because I remember how my brothers drove. But I also know that one of my girls was a better driver than the other. My answer just might depend on the person. Like youngest had a friend who once asked for a ride home after practice from me because her other option was a teammate whose driving she didn't like. I always respected her judgement and trusted her later when she and my dd drove places.

[teachermom2834]

5 minutes ago, perky said:

No, because it's illegal in Texas. 

That would make things easier!

[HomeAgain]

His senior year, oldest ds was allowed to go to lunch with his friends (1 mile from the school) or have his friend pick him up to head back to his house (2 miles).  I knew the kid pretty well and his parents and was pretty confident in his personality and responsibility. By the end of the school year it was up to going out at night.

Youngest ds is more of a...wild card. He may not get the same privilege as oldest ds just because he's my "watch this!" sort of kid - and so are half his friends.  He may grow up some in the next few years, but I'm not sure that he'd be settled enough to drive around with friends.

[J-rap]

In our state, it's illegal for the first 6 months to have more than 1 passenger, and then illegal to have more than 3 passengers after that (until 20).  We were cautious too.  We lived in a small town so most driving consisted of driving no more than a mile along small-town city streets.  So, kids might give each other rides to school, events, etc.  We generally felt okay with that, although of course even that depended on driver, circumstances, etc.  Anywhere else usually required driving 30 miles on the 2-lane highway, and those were very careful decisions.  (Experience and reliability of driver, other passengers, road conditions, time of day, event, etc.)  That didn't come up very often though.

[Bambam]

In our state, teen drivers can only have one other non-family passenger in the vehicle. That makes sense to me, more people = more talking = harder to pay attention for a new driver.  So if it were a group being driven by a teen, no. If two teens are going someplace, it depends upon teen driver and where and weather conditions, etc. 

I did ask my youngest about the individuals she rode with. One she said she didn't think was a very good driver, so she did not ride with him again for a fairly long time. I don't know if he is a better driver now, or if she is just used to it, but she does ride with him now (boyfriend, so that may plan into as well, and she is a YA, not a teen).

[Rachel]

My state only allows one non-related passenger until  the driver is 18. 
 

My son is 15 so this hasn’t been a huge issue for us yet. So far we have taken it on a case by case issue. The two teens he has ridden with we have known a long time and are responsible kids. They also had over a year of driving experience before it came up. I know a couple of kids I’m not comfortable with him riding with, but he hasn’t asked to ride with them yet. 

[Kuovonne]

When my teens got their licenses they were legally allowed only one other non-family teen in the car. For the six months to a first year or so, I also added on the requirement that both sets of parents need to approve of the trip. That meant that I had to know who the friend was, where they were going, and when. And the friend’s parents needed to know the same and still be okay with it. I didn’t want my teen driving around a kid whose parents weren’t comfortable with their kid with a teen driver. Now, getting permission from the other parent was up to the teens and reporting to me was on the honor system. So it was possible that the kids slipped some trips under the radar. 
 

Similarly, when my teens were going out with friends, I wanted to know who was driving: the friend’s parents, the newly licensed friend, or an older sibling. Sometimes I needed reassurance that it was not the newly licensed teen friend driving. 

[Halftime Hope]

It depended on the kid, but you can't undo an "accident", so we were pretty cautious.  Our kids had to drive about a full year on their own without anyone but a sibling in the car, and even then, they drove for quite a few months without anyone who could distract them.

[teachermom2834]

6 minutes ago, Halftime Hope said:

It depended on the kid, but you can't undo an "accident", so we were pretty cautious.  Our kids had to drive about a full year on their own without anyone but a sibling in the car, and even then, they drove for quite a few months without anyone who could distract them.

Exactly. The consequences can be so high for pretty minor infractions. It isn’t just your run of the mill helicoptering to be cautious about driving. 

[busymama7]

Being illegal doesn't matter in my circle 🙄. Here it's 6 months no one in the car but siblings but I'm the only one I know who follows it. I do in both directions. My kids don't take anyone for 6 months no matter how inconvenient and they don't ride with anyone who doesn't have their 6 months.  And yes I ask.  And I do confirm with other parents as much as I can. Last night 3 boys including my son were at a party and needed picking up late. It was our turn to do the late night run but my 17 year old daughter offered.  I text both moms to make sure that was ok before she went. It was so we did it but I was fine with either of them not being ok with it and always extend the option to say so because it is a touchy subject.   Teen drivers can absolutely make mistakes and such high consequences for those mistakes.  

One other thing I do is several of my kids have kept their permits for a year instead of 6 months.  And while they have their permits they drive every single time they are in the car.  We do extra curriculars that are 30-45 mins away in a major city with horrible traffic and often we are in a 15 pass van.  That gives them a lot of serious practice and then I know they know how to handle lots of situations. It's so hard and stressful for me (I would rather give birth or potty train or just about ANYTHING other than teach teens to drive) but it makes a difference and I am less worried when they do start driving without me.  They have had a lot of practice.  I know families that only allow like neighborhood driving and that just seems so irresponsible. At some point they are going to need to drive further and I would rather they had done that dozens of times with me first.  

[SKL]

My daughters are 16 and the eldest recently got her license.  So we're in that phase of carefully increasing responsibility.

It really depends on the individual first of all.  Not only, is she a reasonably skilled, calm driver, but also, can she resist the distractions of dumbass passengers?  Will she tell them to STFU?  So far, the answer seems to be "yes" as far as this kid.

In my state, kids have to drive with their parent supervising for at least 50 hours before they can get their license.  50 hours means I have a pretty good idea of what my kid's strengths and weaknesses are behind the wheel.  It also means she's encountered enough surprises that she probably won't be a complete mess when the next one happens.

The first stage of independent driving for me is:  all 25mph roads, I know where you're going and with whom, no unusual (for her) road conditions, and you have plenty of time (so no pressure to speed, take dumb risks, or shortcut anything).

I also agree with checking the local laws about how many unrelated teens can be in the car at this age, what restrictions apply after certain hours, etc.

Have I let my kids ride in teens' cars?  Honestly it rarely comes up.  The one I recall is a very responsible girl, so I said yes.

[2squared]

We live very rurally, and most new drivers have been driving tractors and farm trucks for many years by the time they turn 16yo. We personally don’t live on a farm, but we try to get our 15yo as many hours behind the wheel as possible so they are ready to drive solo at 16yo. Then, when they are 16yo, we give them pretty much free rein within a 30 mile radius and within legal limits of underage passengers. We also generally don’t limit who they ride with, but our kids make good choices and are not risk takers. 

By the time they leave home for college, I want them to have lots of driving experiences and to have made all kinds of driving decisions. I want them to be able to drive safely and comfortably in big cities, on interstates, and with noisy passengers.

I don’t know many (any?) kids who have had accidents resulting in injuries. We hear of fender benders here and there, and of course, winter weather situations. I think the kids in our community having more driving experience than average 16yos actually makes driving overall safer. 

[Murphy101]

I don’t even let my own teens drive their siblings around. So I’m a no.

I genuinely don’t care what other parents are comfortable with bc they aren’t responsible for my kids. 

The exception might be teens dating. My girls have been driven by teen drivers they are dating a few times after I already met the young man. And while I’ve never checked it - we all have phone tracking with each other and our friends so I could find out if they aren’t where they should be or speeding or hitting the breaks hard a lot or heck it tells me if their phone battery is low too or whatever.    Dh used to text me that I was speeding or that I hit my breaks too hard and ask why so I blocked his butt for being annoying. I’m sure if I was like that with the kids - they’d do the same to me. LOL

[rebcoola]

My kids each have a friend they sometimes ride with.  One I don't know as well but it's to a shared activity that is not far on basically neighborhood streets. The other we have known forever they tend to be going to hangout and their are couple kids in the car since he is the only one can have passengers in friend group. It does make me a little nervous.

ODD is only a couple of weeks away from being able to have a non-relative passenger.  She is excited because her best friend rarely has transportation so now they will be able to hangout more.  I actually think best friend will be less likely to be a distraction than my 14 yr old.  

 Very few parents seem to make their kids follow the passenger rules.  Most lie about the hours logged to get the license to. So far my kids have been pretty good sports about being the ones who follow the rules.

Edited March 18, 2023 by rebcoola

[gardenmom5]

My state requires six months before a teen can have non-related minors in the car with them driving.  
 

I had to feel comfortable with my kids driving before I'd allow them to get a license.  dudeling - won't even get his permit - even though all he had to do was take the written.  (hard. glare.)  I had to get him a State ID so he can get on an airplane.   (he now also has a passport card)

 

I've seen examples of kids I consider responsible and aware enough of their surroundings I'd be comfortable.  And I've seen kids who shouldn't be behind the wheel . . . . .

as for riding with other teens - it really depends.  and for them driving other teens . . . I have to have confidence in them too.  It helped my former kid car didn't even have a radio.

[Spy Car]

Guess whose son got busted for illegally transporting other teens in his automobile despite dire warnings and vows of obedience?

But dad, it was less than a mile!

🤦‍♂️ 

Bill

 

 

[WildflowerMom]

3 minutes ago, Spy Car said:

Guess whose son got busted for illegally transporting other teens in his automobile despite dire warnings and vows of obedience?

But dad, it was less than a mile!

🤦‍♂️ 

Bill

 

 

Mine, too.   We were very lenient.   My parents were, as well.   I just prayed a lot every time ds went out or with other teen drivers.  Luckily he’s never gotten in a wreck (except with me) and only had one ticket, though he’s been pulled over numerous times.  🤦🏻‍♀️. Nothing I can do about that now.  He’s 21.    I wish the driving age was raised country wide to 18.  I think it’d be easier for parents and safer for kids.  

[teachermom2834]

9 minutes ago, Spy Car said:

Guess whose son got busted for illegally transporting other teens in his automobile despite dire warnings and vows of obedience?

But dad, it was less than a mile!

🤦‍♂️ 

Bill

 

 

I have never heard of anyone busted for that around here. I have never met another parent that enforced it. I felt like the law was there to help me because it wasn’t me saying no. But other parents totally amd completely disregard. And obviously it is not enforced. 
 

But yeah…teenagers and facepalms go together.

[Spy Car]

6 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

Mine, too.   We were very lenient.   My parents were, as well.   I just prayed a lot every time ds went out or with other teen drivers.  Luckily he’s never gotten in a wreck (except with me) and only had one ticket, though he’s been pulled over numerous times.  🤦🏻‍♀️. Nothing I can do about that now.  He’s 21.    I wish the driving age was raised country wide to 18.  I think it’d be easier for parents and safer for kids.  

Teen driving has weakened my faith in secularism 

Bill

[SKL]

7 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

 I wish the driving age was raised country wide to 18.  I think it’d be easier for parents and safer for kids.  

I actually think it's good that kids start driving while their parents still have a right to supervise and control.  And as pointed out by the author of Crash-Proof your Kids, the time spent teaching our teens to drive is a special, unique, and valuable time.

[Spy Car]

3 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I have never heard of anyone busted for that around here. I have never met another parent that enforced it. I felt like the law was there to help me because it wasn’t me saying no. But other parents totally amd completely disregard. And obviously it is not enforced. 
 

But yeah…teenagers and facepalms go together.

Someone got pulled over by the LAPD for not using his turn signal, and...

In some ways the system went too light on him as traffic school and a fine allowed him to retain his license.

Someone else was not happy.

Bill

[Spy Car]

Just now, SKL said:

I actually think it's good that kids start driving while their parents still have a right to supervise and control.  And as pointed out by the author of Crash-Proof your Kids, the time spent teaching our teens to drive is a special, unique, and valuable time.

Unique all right 

Bill

[SHP]

No, but in my circle driving under 18 is unheard of and under 20 is uncommon. 

[SKL]

6 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I have never heard of anyone busted for that around here. I have never met another parent that enforced it. I felt like the law was there to help me because it wasn’t me saying no. But other parents totally amd completely disregard. And obviously it is not enforced. 
 

But yeah…teenagers and facepalms go together.

This conversation prompted me to look up our laws again.  Somehow I thought my licensed teen was allowed to have 2 non-related people in the car, but no, it's actually 1.  So I just had to give her the unwelcome news that she will not in fact be driving her sister, friend, and boyfriend around this afternoon.  TBH I am as bummed as she is.  🙂

[rebcoola]

They get busted here but only when they get pulled over in the 1st place.  So of course most people get away with it.  

[Spy Car]

Just now, rebcoola said:

They get busted here but only when they get pulled over in the 1st place.  So of course most people get away with it.  

Yeah, I mean if they were "good drivers" there would be less risk of getting busted. We don't have that problem 

Bill

[Clarita]

My parents and my best friend's parents were thrilled when I got my license (the day I turned 16). I think they put notes in my glove compartment that all the parents involved are ok with the situation. 

They were all collectively tired of trying to figure out our after school schedule and chauffeuring us.

[WildflowerMom]

5 minutes ago, SKL said:

I actually think it's good that kids start driving while their parents still have a right to supervise and control.  And as pointed out by the author of Crash-Proof your Kids, the time spent teaching our teens to drive is a special, unique, and valuable time.

I can’t be convinced.  Sorry.  My 16yo brain was even worse than my 18yo brain.   I’m lucky to be alive, tbh.  

[rebcoola]

1 minute ago, Spy Car said:

Yeah, I mean if they were "good drivers" there would be less risk of getting busted. We don't have that problem 

Bill

I totally would have gotten busted as a teen myself but luckily for me I got my license one year before they started all these new rules.  

[SKL]

1 minute ago, WildflowerMom said:

I can’t be convinced.  Sorry.  My 16yo brain was even worse than my 18yo brain.   I’m lucky to be alive, tbh.  

Of course you don't have to let your kids drive if you don't want to.

Most of my kids' close friends are over 16 and unlicensed.  Their folks either consider them too irresponsible, or don't want to invest in driver's ed, or postponed the process for whatever reasons.  Which is one of the reasons my kid is asked to drive them in the first place.

[teachermom2834]

I was really reluctant to ever let my dd ride with her brothers as teens so I am questioning why I am more open to her riding with friends.

I do remember part of not letting her ride with her brothers was that she was a little kid and should they get pulled over or be in a fender bender she would be terrified and she would make the situation much worse for her brother who was also going to be stressed. So that is different. 
 

Driving and dating. My least favorite parts of parenting. Adult bodies and kid brains and serious consequences all around. 

[SKL]

Just now, teachermom2834 said:

Driving and dating. My least favorite parts of parenting. Adult bodies and kid brains and serious consequences all around. 

Yes.  Lord please get me through this weekend.  (And thank you Lord for long-distance relationships so I don't have to worry 365 days a year.)

[teachermom2834]

My parents didn’t allow me to drive in high school. I was allowed to practice just enough to get my license so I could have a license before I went off to college.

I went off to college where I would get tossed the keys as a designated driver because I was the only one not drinking. I also showed up to my internship one day and was informed I was driving a university Suburban an hour from college town to a hospital in a major city.  I did those things because my immature brain didn’t know how to get out of something like the internship assignment. But I was determined my kids would know how to drive before college. 
 

I’m still a nervous wreck about it though. 

[SKL]

I should check in with my mom, who had 4 teen / young adult drivers at the same time.  At 16 I was commuting to college (via freeway) with my 18yo brother (we'd take turns driving).  At 17 I got my license and could drive on my own ... including through whiteout blizzards in the snow belt (with no cell phone).  I also drove my then-4yo sister to her health appointments etc.  And TBH I don't think I was that great of a driver.  I do know my folks have always done a lot of praying.  🙂

[teachermom2834]

5 minutes ago, SKL said:

Yes.  Lord please get me through this weekend.  (And thank you Lord for long-distance relationships so I don't have to worry 365 days a year.)

My three boys all dated in high school and it was lots of drama. But my third boy started a long distance relationship his 10th grade year that lasted all through high school. They only saw each other every few months. I told her all the time she was the BEST girlfriend. That was an awesome high school relationship. And funny enough they are still together (now sophomores in college) and they went from long distance to living down the hall from each other in a dorm. 

[lewelma]

It is illegal in NZ for a younger teen to drive other teens.You have to be 18 to have a full licence, before that you are not allowed to drive others unless they are your parent, child, spouse, or elderly relative living with you. But most kids don't make the 18 year old minimum because at least here in the city, most kids fail the test at least once, and most kids don't get their learners until about 16.5 to 17 years old. So teens driving teens here usually starts at 19. So NZ agrees with you.

 

[bolt.]

I usually say no to teen drivers with my kids. I've allowed it once or twice, if people were in a pickle. I'm somewhat more comfortable if the 'teen' in question was quite old and has been driving regularly for years. My kids know they have to check in about being driven by anyone, and usually if they want to get a ride from a teen, I just say, "I prefer not to have you driven by teen drivers, so I will drive you instead." They know it's one of my 'things' so they expect it.

Edited to add: one of my older teen's acquaintances recently died in a car accident, and one of my kids actually mentioned that they can now see why I hesitate around teen drivers.

Edited March 18, 2023 by bolt.

[City Mouse]

My DS is of those who had two accidents while in high school. Both were when he was driving home from his school which was over an hour from home. Both times the vehicles were “totaled” but that was mostly because he only drives very old used vehicles. He received only minor injuries in both, but I was very glad that no one else was in the vehicle with him. 
Before he could drive, he did not have any friends who were driving so I didn’t have to worry about him riding with anyone else, but I can certainly understand why someone would restrict their teen from riding with a newly liscenced driver.

[Ausmumof3]

It’s easy where I am because there’s a law saying that teens can’t carry more than one other same aged passenger with an exception for siblings.

[Spy Car]

2 hours ago, rebcoola said:

I totally would have gotten busted as a teen myself but luckily for me I got my license one year before they started all these new rules.  

I can't claim that we didn't perhaps steal my best friend's dad's Corvair while the man was sleeping, but at least we operated with care.

My son, I love him, he's talented and good at many things, but his driving scares me to death.

Bill 

[WildflowerMom]

My kid actually seems to be a good driver, but has a lead foot.   I don’t know how he manages to get out of tickets but he does.   He’s gotten lucky and at some point that luck has to run out.    He got pulled over a couple weeks ago in my car, but I’m fairly certain it was a profiling issue.    

[Kuovonne]

Anyone else have to go to traffic court for a teen driver? In my county, they hear all the juvenile traffic cases on one day and there were probably thirty teen drivers there, each with a parent or guardian who had to take time off work. At least half as many teens that were supposed to be there were no-shows. In every case the judge asked if any people had sustained injuries. It was heartbreaking to hear the number of people hurt or killed. 
 

In my teen’s case, no people were hurt, no other vehicles were involved, and there were extenuating circumstances, but there was damage to the vehicle and damage to our bank account. I also revoked my teen’s privilege of driving any friends until the entire case was settled, which took many months. I didn’t completely revoke driving permission because I needed her to drive herself some places, and not driving at all was not going to build up her skills.