Need some advice about one of my college kids

[saraha]

 

Dd21 went away to college for the first time last fall. She had done three years of community college and was ready to move on. Against my council, she decided to double major with a minor. In fact she knew I felt so strongly about taking so much on (all 300 level classes to start, one of the majors she has never formally studied for before, while moving away from home for the first time to real college and she is a perfectionist Aspie with high anxiety) that she didn’t even tell me about the second major until she accidentally let it slip.

So regularly I get texts talking about how hard it is, how she feels like she’s barely hanging on emotionally etc. but she will also add, but I don’t want to change anything, I just need ti figure out how to handle it better. She absolutely will shut me down if I even hint that the load she has chosen for herself is too much. Her two majors are completely incompatible with each other, as well as her minor. Yet she still needs her mom to somehow help/ make her feel better or something. I don’t know how to respond when the answer is well, you really need to let some of this wait til later or whatever.

How do I respond in a meaningful way? I really don’t want to see her burn out or have some kind of mental breakdown.

Edited February 2, 2023 by saraha

[kbutton]

Is there a counseling office on campus? A trusted advisor that will give her help? A disability services person?

 

[WildflowerMom]

I would just listen.   Tell her you know it's difficult.   Don't advise her unless she asks.   Does she have an academic advisor or mentor she can also speak to?  

[2squared]

Have you asked her what she needs from you? Is she looking for someone to help her pace herself or to prioritize? Is she looking for a cheerleader? 

[YaelAldrich]

With my college aged kids (especially the oppositional one), I just listen and (gently) empathize. It's not my college career; it's theirs. I do ask if there is anything I can do to help. I might gently follow up with anything I'm asked to do. 

[regentrude]

Listen. Ask her whether she needs commiseration or advice from you. Encourage her that it's okay that things feel hard and that she has the ability to figure things out. I would refrain from saying anything that implies you don't believe they are capable of doing what they are trying to do.

The first year away at college is a rough transition for many young people. They have to muddle through. 

Eya: the fact that she didn't feel she could tell you about the second major suggests that she doesn't feel you deem her capable. I would do whatever it takes to reassure her that you believe she can do it, while at the same time making clear that it's perfectly fine if she decides to change her mind about that. But she needs to own this decision; it cannot be fueled by your doubts.

Edited February 2, 2023 by regentrude

[saraha]

I know she went to the counselor at least once, she just sort of mentioned it in passing. I am afraid to say “you can do it” as that adds pressure for her. But I can’t say, we’ll, why don’t you work less hours or drop this class etc. I always say I’m sorry she’s struggling and if there is anything I can do let me know. But tonight she responded with that’s the same thing you always say, and I didn’t know what else to say. It’s like, she needs comforting, but in a meaningful way that doesn’t make her feel pressure or that I don’t think she can do it. I am genuinely concerned about burn out

[fairfarmhand]

“And just so you know, it’s ok if it takes you an extra year or semester to finish this.” 

[Rosie_0801]

It's not your job to prevent burnout. You said your piece, she probably should have done as you said, but she didn't because she didn't.

All you have to do is agree it is hard and make supportive comments like "Oh, I loved that topic" and "how interesting that sounds!"

[TechWife]

Broadly speaking, people with ASD feel overwhelmed easily. It’s possible that she would even feel overwhelmed with a regular load. I suggest listening to her, asking occasionally if she’s just venting or if she wants any advice. If you offer advice, be prepared for her to reject it. It may be that she needs some time to warm up to making a change.

Does she do a reasonable job of recognizing when it’s the ASD taking over or if she’s feeling normal pressures? If not, a counselor can help her with that if she’s willing to go to one for a little while. Does she have any accommodations? My ds had a tutor whose job was to go over any assignments and review syllabi, help break longer assignments down into manageable tasks and plan a study schedule. They met weekly. It helped him with the overwhelmed feeling. 

[MEmama]

7 hours ago, saraha said:

I know she went to the counselor at least once, she just sort of mentioned it in passing. I am afraid to say “you can do it” as that adds pressure for her. But I can’t say, we’ll, why don’t you work less hours or drop this class etc. I always say I’m sorry she’s struggling and if there is anything I can do let me know. But tonight she responded with that’s the same thing you always say, and I didn’t know what else to say. It’s like, she needs comforting, but in a meaningful way that doesn’t make her feel pressure or that I don’t think she can do it. I am genuinely concerned about burn out

I'm in a similar position, always trying to balance showing support that DS (ASD, ADHD, severe anxiety) is capable of his lofty goals yet also supporting the fact that he might, in fact, not be. I'm hyper aware that any "wrong" word, tone or emoji might increase his anxiety, or lead to him wanting to prove me wrong. Yet at the same time he does, thankfully, trust me, and he does ask for my help and input. It's a delicate balance to be sure.

Sending you commiseration and strength. ((Hugs))

 

 

[Soror]

(hugs) some kids are harder than others

Mine are not in college yet so I don't have that exact experience. I'm just going to throw out here what I've found works best for mine that tends to get in over their head sometimes and then get anxious (even after I gently counseled- before hand that I thought it might be too much).

I lay out the options- you can quit this, change this, you could get help this way or that, talk to friends in similar situations, see this person etc. Just lay it out *without* giving my opinion on the right path. Then whatever they choose I do my best to help and support that choice and if it don't work we go through it again. It can be frustrating already so I try not to think of how those choices will be magnified in importance once college and beyond arrive here.

As a Mom, I try to keep in mind the important things. I try not to let their stress rule me. Is it something I can or should control (most invariably not with an 18+ yr old) and in 20 years will this matter? 

[chiguirre]

8 hours ago, saraha said:

 But tonight she responded with that’s the same thing you always say, and I didn’t know what else to say. 

My dd said that to me too. I answered that I kept repeating my mom mantra because it really is the only thing I can say. I don't have any better advice to give.

I can't make her difficult coworker less difficult, all I can do is say that I've worked with jerks too and there's not much you can do about it except not take their jerkiness to heart. Illegitimi non carborundum! Much later she told me that the coworker was notorious and that a couple of shop mates had given her the same advice as me. I clearly earned some credibility points with dd.

Learning that mom can only give advice based on her own life experience, cannot magically make things better and is giving advice in line with other respected sources is one of those things you discover on the way to adulting. Your parents are just one voice of advice and they may or may not be able to help in any given situation. They may have relevant life experience and offer useful advice. They may have never faced a similar issue and can only offer a sympathetic ear and well wishes. But they're rooting for you and love you no matter what.

[Janeway]

Since she kept it a secret, I suspect she might be doing this to prove she can do it to you. It is about control and she wants to feel in control of herself. This is fine. Just act unbothered and respond as if nothing is bothering you or you do not have advice or an opinion. She will not give up the second major as long as you are telling her to. Good luck!

[pinball]

12 hours ago, saraha said:

 

Dd21 went away to college for the first time last fall. She had done three years of community college and was ready to move on. Against my council, she decided to double major with a minor. In fact she knew I felt so strongly about taking so much on (all 300 level classes to start, one of the majors she has never formally studied for before, while moving away from home for the first time to real college and she is a perfectionist Aspie with high anxiety) that she didn’t even tell me about the second major until she accidentally let it slip.

So regularly I get texts talking about how hard it is, how she feels like she’s barely hanging on emotionally etc. but she will also add, but I don’t want to change anything, I just need ti figure out how to handle it better. She absolutely will shut me down if I even hint that the load she has chosen for herself is too much. Her two majors are completely incompatible with each other, as well as her minor. Yet she still needs her mom to somehow help/ make her feel better or something. I don’t know how to respond when the answer is well, you really need to let some of this wait til later or whatever.

How do I respond in a meaningful way? I really don’t want to see her burn out or have some kind of mental breakdown.

What was the reason for 3 years of community college? Did she go full time every semester or ease into it for a few years?

If she wasn’t able to do full time in CC, was it bc of the same issues she is having here?

Regarding what is happening now…I think it’s better for students to be successful with less hours than fail or do poorly with more hours. This isnt a reflection of “believing” in her. It is a matter of timing and logistics.

Get four As in 4 classes or get one B, four Cs and a D in six classes?
Get the As and remain healthy and enthusiastic about school and life? Or get the other grades and be sick and burned-out.

I would emphasis a slower pace to do everything she wants. If money is an issue…it will be an issue if she does poorly, too, from too many classes.

[saraha]

Just now, pinball said:

What was the reason for 3 years of community college? Did she go full time every semester or ease into it for a few years?

If she wasn’t able to do full time in CC, was it bc of the same issues she is having here?

Regarding what is happening now…I think it’s better for students to be successful with less hours than fail or do poorly with more hours. This isnt a reflection of “believing” in her. It is a matter of timing and logistics.

Get four As in 4 classes or get one B, four Cs and a D in six classes?
Get the As and remain healthy and enthusiastic about school and life? Or get the other grades and be sick and burned-out.

I would emphasis a slower pace to do everything she wants. If money is an issue…it will be an issue if she does poorly, too, from too many classes.

She did an associates, then an extra year getting her paralegal in a 2+1 program, so full time all three years. But none of it as rigorous as what she is doing now. Her grades for her first semester away were fine As, Bs, 1 C. Right now she says her grades are satisfactory to her.

Shes coming home for the weekend, where it won’t be rest with all 8 of us here, but will be a break from school

[Forget-Me-Not]

11 hours ago, saraha said:

I know she went to the counselor at least once, she just sort of mentioned it in passing. I am afraid to say “you can do it” as that adds pressure for her. But I can’t say, we’ll, why don’t you work less hours or drop this class etc. I always say I’m sorry she’s struggling and if there is anything I can do let me know. But tonight she responded with that’s the same thing you always say, and I didn’t know what else to say. It’s like, she needs comforting, but in a meaningful way that doesn’t make her feel pressure or that I don’t think she can do it. I am genuinely concerned about burn out

You really can’t say anything else, as experience has shown. It sounds like she wants a magic fix that doesn’t exist. She’s got to make some hard choices; does she continue on or does she make some changes? I would turn it back to her: “Gee it sounds like you’re really struggling. What do you think would help?”  “What do you plan to do about that?”, without suggesting concrete ways for her to balk at. 

[sassenach]

College mom here. DD had a rough first semester and it felt like all I did was field crying phone calls for the first couple of months. In your shoes, when she said that you're basically saying the same thing over and over, I would have asked her what she felt like she needed from me. She may or may not have an answer for you.

Things I said to my daughter: It won't always feel this hard. You're building new skills and I really think that over time you will learn how to manage this class load (this might be different for you because while my daughter had an extremely challenging class load for her first semester, I did think it was manageable). I also asked her if she was using her resources (office hours, tutoring center, study groups, etc). 

How many credits is she taking this semester? Instead of focusing on the double major, I might hone in on creating a balanced schedule. My dd had to take 2 lab sciences last semester, which was a big part of the struggle. We did a lot of looking at her classes and planning out balanced loads with a mix of research/writing, lower level GEs, and required sciences. Your dd might not want your involvement in the planning, but it might be good to at least throw out the idea of looking ahead and asking how many credits per semester feels manageable. 

I will also say that, despite my best advice, dd decided that she would rather be miserable for another semester (aka she's taking 2 lab sciences again) and make her sophomore year lighter. In the end, they make their own priorities. 

[SKL]

I tend to adopt a sort of Socratic method when my idea of what is best doesn't immediately align with the other person.

I would start out asking really open-ended questions such as:

• Do you have any thoughts about what could be causing these problems?
• Have you talked to anyone about possible ways to address [the cause she identifies]?
  • Is there anyone at the college who might be able to guide you on such things?
• If your best friend came to you with this issue, what would be your first suggestion?
• Out of all the things you're working on, which ones are the most and least important to your life goals?
  • Are there any that could wait without being problematic?
• What's the worst that could happen if you did / didn't do XYZ?
  • Would you be able to accept or mitigate that?

Etc. etc. until, hopefully, she comes up with a solution "on her own" that is productive.

[Farrar]

People have sort of said this, but I feel like it's worth saying straight out. Listening IS meaningful. That is a meaningful response. So you're feeling like you're not giving her a meaningful response, but listening is that response.

And I struggle with this too. Big time. So I get it.

[Arcadia]

3 hours ago, Janeway said:

Since she kept it a secret, I suspect she might be doing this to prove she can do it to you. It is about control and she wants to feel in control of herself.

In my case it wasn’t about control. My dad is a debbie downer and has anxiety. It is just easier not to tell him than hear his anxious pessimistic responses. 
 

OP, 

Is your daughter piling on courses because she likes to be busy in academics or she feels that there are so many choices in college and she wants to try everything. I love being heavily scheduled in college because I don’t like boredom. However between engineering school course load and making sure my social calendar is quite packed, it wasn’t so bad. 

[Bootsie]

Unfortunately, she may burn out.  If she does, it isn't the end of the world; the most important thing is if she does burn out she learns and grows from it.  One of things I have found to be important is not to let my anxiety about a situation, decisions, or choices my children make spill over to them.  I would try to see what I could be positive and supportive about.  "Wow, I admire your determination; I am amazed at your inquisitiveness..."  and I would focus on how her choice are her choices--both to remind myself that I don't get to decide things like double majors no matter how much I think I know what is best and to show respect to her that she gets to make her choices (and that it is her responsibility to live with the consequences) with comments like "Wow, I could see how taking courses in XYZ and ABC at the same time can lead to a lot of stress; it's not something I would ever want to do."

[SKL]

My kid is younger (16), but she took on something this year that was way too much.  She let her counselor talk her into it.  I tell her that although it isn't great for her GPA, look at how much it has taught her, in terms of her future path.

When we're young, difficulties tend to seem much more catastrophic than they actually are.  Many if not most young people completely change their paths after their first plan didn't quite pan out.  As someone else said, the most important thing is that personal growth occur.

[fraidycat]

"I wish I had a magic wand to fix this for you, but I don't. I'm sorry it's hard, that really sucks. Are you just venting, or do you want me to help you brainstorm potential ways for you to fix this?"

[BusyMom5]

I'll just send hugs. I have a kid who is your classic over-achiever and signs up for over a full load every semester.   It looks like this:

Beginning- I'm so bored,  I know everything in all my classes. I think I'm going to add a class, club, activity.  

Middle- Ugh, my professor isn't a good teacher, too much busy work, class isn't what I thought, club is too time consuming, I hate group projects,  too busy to have fun with friends (yet spends time with friends and slacks on assignments)...

Last 2-3 weeks- freak out mode.  Daily calls, trying to rush and cram in the last assignments and study for finals.  

My advice is often the same.  You can do any of The Things, but you cannot do ALL of The Things.   Try to find balance.  This is the 2nd semester of the 2nd year.  It is getting better, but I think that might be due to a boyfriend who studies a lot more than she did 😉 Still, she added a class the first week, putting her at 18 hours.  She joined 3 new clubs, one mandatory for her second major.  Still working out possible extra majors, minors, masters- what options are still open.  Thankfully they all kinda work together now.  That wasn't the case the whole of last year!  Multiple changes in majors and programs.   

Things I've found my DD has actually listened to- professors in office hours, people at the clubs (like school sponsored clubs for different majors) she meets who are in industry,  upperclassmen who are in similar interest areas.  

If shes got an interest area, encourage her to go talk to the professors about jobs and what industry is looking for.  See about internships and opportunities.  Maybe it will help narrow the field?  

 

 

[City Mouse]

Someone suggested the following to my and I found it really helped with my own interactions with my DD who has been recently diagnosed with autism (after the Aspie label was taken away).

The suggestion was to be supportive but non-specific, and to not offer help or suggestions.

I say/text things like “that sounds difficult” or “I’m sorry you are having a bad day”. It drove my DD crazy at first. What she really wanted was for me to always agree with her that she was right and everyone else was wrong. Sometimes I will as “are you looking for suggestions or do you just need to vent?” That actually caused her to slow down and think about what she wanted from me.