Jump to content

Menu
Giving You and Your Child a Road Map to the Best Possible Education
The Well-Trained Mind Community

Hey all!

Not_a_Number

By Not_a_Number,
in The Chat Board

 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Popular Post
Not_a_Number

Not_a_Number

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

Hey all, 

I thought I'd drop by and say hi! My apologies for not having been on much. 

My husband and I are doing much better. We've both owned up to the things we were doing wrong (we both brought some really toxic patterns from our families of origin to our marriage), and it feels so much better to be problem solving together in a good way, finally. We've been together for 14 years and married for 11, so having a major change this late in the game still feels kind of miraculous. I feel very grateful. 

I'm sorting things out with the kids' homeschooling. I've started tentatively working with DD10 again. I think independent work is going to be an important part of her day, since she gets wound up and resentful really easily, but we seem to have gotten out of the dysfunctional pattern where I can't stop pushing her and she gets more and more resentful. She's still very definite about the fact that she wants me to teach her, so... fingers crossed! We'll start the school year tomorrow -- wish me luck! 

I've been trying to live my life better. Specifically, I've been working hard on having definite boundaries I don't compromise on without trying to pressure other people. It's hard! And it has had some interesting outcomes... it's been good for most of my relationships, but it has also made it clear which people in my life cannot tolerate secure people. Very eye-opening. 

How's everyone doing? 

  • Like 64
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Catwoman

Catwoman

Posted
Posted
27 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Well, I'm also not speaking to some of the more dysfunctional people in my family of origin right now, so maybe it's not ALL positive... but yeah, I'm overall in a much better place.  

Maybe that's the most positive part of all -- you recognized how dysfunctional they are, and you've decided not to put yourself through the stress of dealing with them! 

WELCOME BACK!!!!!

  • Like 6
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Not_a_Number

Not_a_Number

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Maybe that's the most positive part of all -- you recognized how dysfunctional they are, and you've decided not to put yourself through the stress of dealing with them! 

WELCOME BACK!!!!!

Gosh, yeah. It's kind of a cycle around here -- I've stopped speaking to my mom before, actually, and then I started talking to her again, and then I decided to try having sensible boundaries with her (for starters, "Stop saying negative crap about me to my husband when I'm not there") and she decided to lie her head off about things I say, so... another break it is. 

But on a more negative note, my little sister is also upset at us, because she was REALLY sad we were having issues, and also she's apparently learned some really awful patterns from my mom and couldn't deal with boundaries at all (this became much more obvious after I started being more open about my boundaries, sigh), so that one I'm really sad about. I hope she comes back. I've always wanted her to treat DH and me as her true family (our mother is really toxic, obviously, and my sister is much younger -- she's only 20), and I feel like I've failed her by having marital issues 😕 . 

Edited by Not_a_Number
  • Sad 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites
scholastica

scholastica

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

Gosh, yeah. It's kind of a cycle around here -- I've stopped speaking to my mom before, actually, and then I started talking to her again, and then I decided to try having sensible boundaries with her (for starters, "Stop saying negative crap about me to my husband when I'm not there") and she decided to lie her head off about things I say, so... another break it is. 

But on a more negative note, my little sister is also upset at us, because she was REALLY sad we were having issues, and also she's apparently learned some really awful patterns from my mom and couldn't deal with boundaries at all (this became much more obvious after I started being more open about my boundaries, sigh), so that one I'm really sad about. I hope she comes back. I've always wanted her to treat DH and me as her true family (our mother is really toxic, obviously, and my sister is much younger -- she's only 20), and I feel like I've failed her by having marital issues 😕 . 

Welcome back! You did not fail her by having marital issues. If anything, you’ve shown her that couples can have issues and grow together not apart. 

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Not_a_Number

Not_a_Number

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, scholastica said:

Welcome back! You did not fail her by having marital issues. If anything, you’ve shown her that couples can have issues and grow together not apart. 

I'm hoping she realizes this eventually. For now, my mom's influence has been terribly damaging, and she isn't able to talk to us in any kind of good way. She visited us and she was visibly uncomfortable when we tried to talk to her about any of the ways we've been solving problems together -- anything that wasn't exactly like before made her really resentful. And again, because of my mom, she doesn't feel safe telling us when she feels bad... it was an unhappy visit 😕 . 

ETA: her parents (my mom and her 3rd husband) had a really hideous divorce, so I think the situation has been really triggering for her. 

Edited by Not_a_Number
  • Like 1
  • Sad 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Not_a_Number

Not_a_Number

Posted
  • Author
Posted
14 hours ago, Xahm said:

I'm glad to see you back and to hear that your marriage is stronger. Whatever we lived as children has such a strong but invisible influence on us, so I'm very impressed at your ability to see it and work on improving.

Thank you! That means a lot to me. These issues are so hard to detangle. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Not_a_Number

Not_a_Number

Posted
  • Author
Posted
13 hours ago, Janeway said:

I am on the same page as you! My only respite is first thing in the morning,  like now. I would love to hear about things you have tried and what works and all. But I am very happy to hear from you! It has been a while!

You mean with my difficult kids? I do a have a whole list of things I've tried so far... I am happy to share! Anything in particular you're looking for? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Not_a_Number

Not_a_Number

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Oh, our first day homeschooling went pretty well! We started things relatively lightly, since I had a headache, and also because keeping things easy on the first day seemed like a good idea. 

But DD10 did a whole bunch of AMC problems, and we started decorating a map of the US with the things we've seen on our road trips (seems like the best way to do US geography to me!), and we watched Russian cartoons together, all three of us, and spoke Russian, and DD10's Russian reading is almost fluent now... so I feel pleased 🙂 . 

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...