When young adults come home from college with unsolicited "advice"

[easypeasy]

14 hours ago, freesia said:

You might be surprised. Sometimes college puts a lot of things in perspective. Ds never complained about being homeschooled, but he has thanked us for it. He also said that he realized how healthy and good our family was after seeing/hearing about other families. Some of our kids don’t realize what they’ve had bc they don’t necessarily have the experience to know what’s outside their life. 

All of mine said this after they went to school. They half-heartedly complained that they didn't fit in with their college peers because everyone was complaining so much about their family situations (some were just whining, while others had legitimate complaints). They really didn't realize that our family was kind of an "odd duck" because we don't yell at each other and all the siblings, generally, get along, etc. until they went to college.

BK is on the opposite side of that fence, having lived in severe dysfunction for so long. He didn't ask for help until he spent some time with ds at our house and realized that families could support each other. 😭😭 How I wish we'd have known sooner...

[Laura Corin]

My very sweet son celebrated being on medication that really helped with his executive function by reorganising the house when he was home.  I'm not the tidiest person, but there are some things that are deliberately not done yet: we have our recycling in cardboard boxes tucked in the utility room, because we have planning permission pending for rearranging that part of the house and therefore don't want to buy anything plastic that we might later discard because it doesn't fit in the new space.  He was on websites trying to interest us in new plastic boxes, even when we had explained our reasons for delay.

This summer, he has a job.

Edited June 6, 2022 by Laura Corin

[Farrar]

19 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I welcome actual questions about why we did things a certain way.  Because (as we all explain ad nauseum on these boards!) we have a million reasons why we do things a certain way - especially homeschooling.  But part of the answer is "I could have made other decisions too and it would have still worked out, though probably with slightly different problems."  And sometimes the answer to some things is "I had to choose something and that's the thing we chose."  I mean, a lot of life is arbitrary to some degree.  Otherwise we would tie ourselves up in knots over every single decision. 

This is totally my philosophy as well. I often joke that you can't choose if you're kids need therapy, just what they need it for. 

I mean, I do have reasons for my choices - some altruistic, some selfish, some sound that I'd do over in a heartbeat, some maybe less sound now that I know more or could have been sound, but hindsight is 20/20. But in the end, I feel like the "why" question hits some sense that we can control outcomes and that there's a "right" way to do things. And I don't fully believe that. There are definitely a bunch of wrong ways. But I don't think there is a right way. There's a way I chose. There's a way other people chose. It's just... a thing that happened. 

[MEmama]

31 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

My very sweet son celebrated being on medication that really helped with his executive function by reorganising the house when he was home.  I'm not the tidiest person, but there are some things that are deliberately not done yet: we have our recycling in cardboard boxes tucked in the utility room, because we have planning permission pending for rearranging that part of the house and therefore don't want to buy anything plastic that we might later discard because it doesn't fit in the new space.  He was on websites trying to interest us in new plastic boxes, even when we had explained our reasons for delay.

This summer, he has a job.

Can I borrow him? 

[mlktwins]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

This is totally my philosophy as well. I often joke that you can't choose if you're kids need therapy, just what they need it for. 

I mean, I do have reasons for my choices - some altruistic, some selfish, some sound that I'd do over in a heartbeat, some maybe less sound now that I know more or could have been sound, but hindsight is 20/20. But in the end, I feel like the "why" question hits some sense that we can control outcomes and that there's a "right" way to do things. And I don't fully believe that. There are definitely a bunch of wrong ways. But I don't think there is a right way. There's a way I chose. There's a way other people chose. It's just... a thing that happened. 

And...you and I (and other moms of multiples that are the only children - or mom's of 1 child) don't get any do-overs with a younger sibling 😆.  There are some things I would definitely do differently and/or better with another kid if I had the chance -- knowing what I know now -- LOL.

[Murphy101]

I don’t mind discussing why we do things the way we do.  Or why we do things differently than we used to or without different children.  I freely admit those first pancakes are a major learning curve. I also freely suggest that they are welcome to learn from their experiences just like I have. And sincere best of luck in their own future parenting.

I am not however open to being spoken to like I’m stupid or incompetent, especially in my own home.

[Emba]

My 16 year old DD already has some opinions about how things ought to be done re:housekeeping and foods served. I tell her that if she wants things kept to a certain standard, knock herself out. So far she hasn’t really taken me up on that, for some reason.

 

 And also of course “ when you’re out on your own you May do X however you want to “. Said calmly but often with some teeth gritting.

i know a friend who told (with no shame) about going through the cabinets in her parents house and throwing out all the “garbage” canned food she  had decided  they shouldn’t eat - any “ cream of” condensed soups, for example.  I cannot imagine what my mother would have done if I’d pulled that.

Edited June 6, 2022 by Emba

[freesia]

36 minutes ago, Emba said:

My 16 year old DD already has some opinions about how things ought to be done re:housekeeping and foods served. I tell her that if she wants things kept to a certain standard, knock herself out. So far she hasn’t really taken me up on that, for some reason.

 

 And also of course “ when you’re out on your own you May do X however you want to “. Said calmly but often with some teeth gritting.

i know a friend who told (with no shame) about going through the cabinets in her parents house and throwing out all the “garbage” canned food she  had decided  they shouldn’t eat - any “ cream of” condensed soups, for example.  I cannot imagine what my mother would have done if I’d pulled that.

Eeek! I can’t imagine what I’d do if my child did that! Well, actually dc would pay for the soup discarded AND go to the store to replace it. 
 

I have also told dd to go ahead and do whatever new chore she thinks should get done. I have seen small movements toward her being willing to do. We are still working on that, for sure. Actually I have a lot of ideas about chores that need doing around here, too. I, however, know I need to do them, hire them done, or organize helpers. That’s what I want dc to understand. 

[athena1277]

On 6/5/2022 at 6:47 AM, Quill said:

@Eos All of my kids have hit me with the “Why did you homeschool me” question, and my daughter added the icing, “Why did you send me to that (private, $$) school for high school?” 🤨 

 

I guess the reality is, it’s easy to think the road not taken would have been better when you don’t actually know what you’re talking about. I mean, I actually do that, too, and regret having homeschooled for so long and think I should have worked…

I had the opposite happen with my dd.  She started out as an English Ed major and took Intro to Ed her first semester.  It was eye-opening for her.  By October she had decided firmly that she didn’t want to teach and her kids will be homeschooled too.  She switched to just English and has been giving a lot of thought to jobs she could do while homeschooling her future children.

[Jean in Newcastle]

4 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I don’t mind discussing why we do things the way we do.  Or why we do things differently than we used to or without different children.  I freely admit those first pancakes are a major learning curve. I also freely suggest that they are welcome to learn from their experiences just like I have. And sincere best of luck in their own future parenting.

I am not however open to being spoken to like I’m stupid or incompetent, especially in my own home.

Well yes, tone and attitude is everything.  A genuine "why" question is welcomed.  An accusation with a "why" in front of it is just an accusation and not really a question. 

[Heartstrings]

I’m reminded of how I took over most of the chores in high school.  My mom worked and didn’t keep thing to my”standards” so I just took over.  I never ran my mouth about it, she just suddenly had vacuumed floors, dusted shelves and laundry folded on the bed and in the closet.  She called when I moved out to tell me how messy my brother had become since I had left. 🤣  

My house right now wouldn’t pass my teenage selfs standards by a long shot.   

[TravelingChris]

I know that this year my dd2 was telling me how much she appreciated that dh and I (and her older siblings) talked and discussed things with her.  Her husband was also homeschooled (until high school for him) but because he read a lot but didn't talk with his parents much, he mispronounces many things.  She doesn't.  Of course, she didn't think about the fact that I read to her until she was 10 or so because she is dyslexic and took a long time to learn to read well enough to read school books.   She also told me several years earlier how her eduication was as good as the private school educations that many in her college had.  All the kids at her college just assumed she had gone to private schools, because of her much better education than the public school kids had.

None of my kids had any issues with homeschooling-because it was always their choice.  they didn't want to miss out on the fun. Because, for the most part, most of our homeschooling was fun or interesting or both.

[Lisa]

Its not just the 19yos, but the 20 something yos as well. They seem to know so much more than their parents!

[Kassia]

25 minutes ago, Lisa said:

Its not just the 19yos, but the 20 something yos as well. They seem to know so much more than their parents!

I think it also depends on personality.  Ds1 has always been the worst about this while I really haven't had issues with my two younger ones.  My Aspie is a different story.  😛  

[skimomma]

On 6/5/2022 at 7:35 AM, Quill said:

My post-college son avoided this issue by not moving back home. 😭 I mean, it’s okay; I’m glad he has the courage to go full adulting. But, if I am honest, I wanted him to land back in our house temporarily. 
 

The most amazing thing I have found about him is that he is SO much neater than he used to be. Believe me, it is an amazing difference from his teen years, when cleaning out his room could have used a shovel rather than a vacuum. 😏

Yes!  I was sad when I learned that my dd would not be moving back home after her first year of college but also relieved after surviving Christmas break (barely).  However, the got-neater part does not apply in our case which is why that break nearly killed us all.  I grieve for her housemates.  She used to be a neat nick.  I have no idea what happened.

[Resilient]

On 6/4/2022 at 11:09 PM, Melissa in Australia said:

Each son has at 19 rung me up to pass on their newly discovered laundry tip. Don’t put bleach in with darks.

 

And you HAVE to snicker because you KNOW you told them that at least a hundred times before they left home.  Right?

 

[Grace Hopper]

8 hours ago, mlktwins said:

And...you and I (and other moms of multiples that are the only children - or mom's of 1 child) don't get any do-overs with a younger sibling 😆.  There are some things I would definitely do differently and/or better with another kid if I had the chance -- knowing what I know now -- LOL.

My older kids definitely give me a hard time for the “spoiled” choices I’ve made for the youngest. Then I remind them they thought I was too hard on them. I’ve said, well now I know better, so I do better. 

[freesia]

3 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

My older kids definitely give me a hard time for the “spoiled” choices I’ve made for the youngest. Then I remind them they thought I was too hard on them. I’ve said, well now I know better, so I do better. 

You can’t win, you know that, right 😂 

[Grace Hopper]

Just now, freesia said:

You can’t win, you know that, right 😂 

Yeah I’m just trying to remain a happy loser. 😂 And without being mean about it, I do pray I live long enough to watch them navigate some similar decision gauntlets - and love them through it without any I-told-you-sos. 

[stephanier.1765]

9 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

My older kids definitely give me a hard time for the “spoiled” choices I’ve made for the youngest. Then I remind them they thought I was too hard on them. I’ve said, well now I know better, so I do better. 

I wish I had thought of that response when my kids were younger. The youngest is 8 years younger than the eldest and 5 years younger than the middle, so a definite age gap. The two olders were always complaining that the youngest was spoiled. I could never see what they meant but having your answer might have helped quiet the complaints.

[Pam in CT]

re looser parenting with the younger than with the older

13 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I wish I had thought of that response when my kids were younger. The youngest is 8 years younger than the eldest and 5 years younger than the middle, so a definite age gap. The two olders were always complaining that the youngest was spoiled. I could never see what they meant but having your answer might have helped quiet the complaints.

Mine have a similar age span, and I just go with "eh, y'all exhausted me, I'm old and tired now, give it a rest" LOL

[desertstrawberry5]

We left Sagg here and moved away. He apologized for the state of the house. He's so happy to have us back. His housekeeping has not improved since we've been back. 

 

[KungFuPanda]

On 6/5/2022 at 11:46 AM, Jean in Newcastle said:

I welcome actual questions about why we did things a certain way.  Because (as we all explain ad nauseum on these boards!) we have a million reasons why we do things a certain way - especially homeschooling.  But part of the answer is "I could have made other decisions too and it would have still worked out, though probably with slightly different problems."  And sometimes the answer to some things is "I had to choose something and that's the thing we chose."  I mean, a lot of life is arbitrary to some degree.  Otherwise we would tie ourselves up in knots over every single decision. 

You could say “because I was in my twenties and knew everything.” 😄

[Jean in Newcastle]

18 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

You could say “because I was in my twenties and knew everything.” 😄

Since I was almost 30 before I even got married and was mid 30’s before my first child, that argument wouldn’t work. 😉

[Corraleno]

2 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

Yeah I’m just trying to remain a happy loser. 😂 And without being mean about it, I do pray I live long enough to watch them navigate some similar decision gauntlets - and love them through it without any I-told-you-sos. 

The #1 item on my bucket list is to live long enough to watch DD parent a teenager, lol.

She knew everything, and could do everything, better than me from about 14-17, and she moved out the minute she turned 18. Came back at 19, still here at 20, and now she's sweet and thoughtful and asks for my advice, despite the fact that just a few years ago I was a total idiot and the worst mother in the world —  apparently I got a lot smarter in the last year, lol.

[Eos]

Nm, just a rant.

Edited June 6, 2022 by Eos

[Resilient]

1 hour ago, Corraleno said:

The #1 item on my bucket list is to live long enough to watch DD parent a teenager, lol.

She knew everything, and could do everything, better than me from about 14-17, and she moved out the minute she turned 18. Came back at 19, still here at 20, and now she's sweet and thoughtful and asks for my advice, despite the fact that just a few years ago I was a total idiot and the worst mother in the world —  apparently I got a lot smarter in the last year, lol.

Just  be careful how you say this to the DD.  A guy I know, a really obnoxious and very difficult guy, heard from his mother "I hope you have children just like YOU!"  And he never did have any.  Of any kind.  ha

[Elona]

2 hours ago, Corraleno said:

The #1 item on my bucket list is to live long enough to watch DD parent a teenager, lol.

She knew everything, and could do everything, better than me from about 14-17, and she moved out the minute she turned 18. Came back at 19, still here at 20, and now she's sweet and thoughtful and asks for my advice, despite the fact that just a few years ago I was a total idiot and the worst mother in the world —  apparently I got a lot smarter in the last year, lol.

That was me. Exactly. I moved out on my 18th birthday. Moved back in for a short time at 20. Now parenting an almost 14 year-old who is: Just. Like. Me.

Except more emotional.

I love the kid dearly, but this is definitely justice being served.

(That said, my mom seeks out my advice now, and I am far morecompassionate/understanding than I ever was as a teen, so maybe dd will turn out alright 😉 )

Edited June 7, 2022 by Elona

[easypeasy]

10 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

re looser parenting with the younger than with the older

Mine have a similar age span, and I just go with "eh, y'all exhausted me, I'm old and tired now, give it a rest" LOL

This is what I told my girls as well. "Y'all wore me out! This is all I've got left in me!"

Of course, the reality is that I made very deliberate choices about which hills weren't worth dying on x3, so yes, DS had it easier than his older sisters. Live and learn! lol

[freesia]

4 hours ago, easypeasy said:

This is what I told my girls as well. "Y'all wore me out! This is all I've got left in me!"

Of course, the reality is that I made very deliberate choices about which hills weren't worth dying on x3, so yes, DS had it easier than his older sisters. Live and learn! lol

Not to mention that circumstances change. My older dc had a narcissistic bully in their friend group which meant we set certain boundaries that aren’t necessary for the younger ones. But there  are some rules that exist bc of the older dc’s experience that weren’t rules when the younger two were early teens. My oldest didn’t drive until he was nearly 20, the next two got licenses at 16. Since we have to drive to get anywhere, driving opens up lots of new areas for parenting rules lol. Anyway, I had NO idea how complicated it is/was when I was 19 giving my parents a hard time for the same thing!!

[easypeasy]

On 6/7/2022 at 7:37 AM, freesia said:

Not to mention that circumstances change.

Boy, isn't that the truth?!? We had similar situations - different friend (and "friend") groups yielded different rules and boundaries. Just the logistics of getting three kids (with the tagalong little brother) around was so much different from getting the younger brother around on his own once the older girls were more independent. When the girls were younger, I was leading a LOT of their classes whereas by the time baby brother was that same age, I was sort of over it all and hired out more of his stuff, lol! He also got his license much earlier than they did (of course, a lot of that was because he *wanted* his license at 16, whereas the girls couldn't have cared less - but they're still somewhat irritated about it anyway 🤪).

But - they don't see all the juggling/scheduling/planning we had to do when they're 19. I hope all of them have at least two children so that ONE DAY they'll get it. 😄

[EmilyGF]

On 6/6/2022 at 4:25 PM, Pam in CT said:

re looser parenting with the younger than with the older

Mine have a similar age span, and I just go with "eh, y'all exhausted me, I'm old and tired now, give it a rest" LOL

I am 8 years older than my brother, and definitely complained a lot to my mom about that dynamic... I also gave her very unwanted advice. But, to this day, I think I was right. And, if you got her at a relaxed moment, she'd say I was right, too. My brother has had a lot more problems than any of the older siblings.

So, with that in mind, I try to listen to my kids (oldest and most critical is 17). And, often, what they say gives me a good perspective that helps me reassess what I'm doing and make positive change. I'm thankful for their advice, actually. 

Emily

[Janeway]

Funny thing is…I just warned another parent today about how in the first year of college, the adult child will return home and think they are parenting experts. 

[Jaybee]

9 hours ago, EmilyGF said:

I am 8 years older than my brother, and definitely complained a lot to my mom about that dynamic... I also gave her very unwanted advice. But, to this day, I think I was right. And, if you got her at a relaxed moment, she'd say I was right, too. My brother has had a lot more problems than any of the older siblings.

So, with that in mind, I try to listen to my kids (oldest and most critical is 17). And, often, what they say gives me a good perspective that helps me reassess what I'm doing and make positive change. I'm thankful for their advice, actually. 

Emily

My next-to-youngest has a lot of wisdom in general. He hasn't been too bad about giving advice, and maybe some of it is a little off base (there are things he doesn't know about behind the scenes). However, I do listen to him, because he has understanding about things from a young man's perspective, which I need to hear in dealing with youngest.